7 Consequences of Being an Emotionally Distant Parent | carers, family & friends (2023)

VonTamara Hill, MS, LPC

Do you know an emotionally avoidant and distant parent/guardian? If so, what makes this person so emotionally unavailable? Is it a mental illness, a personality disorder, or something else like a job, career goal, or education? Whatever it is, having an emotionally unavailable parent or guardian can result in a lifelong journey of unstable or failed relationships, emotional neediness, empty voids, confusion of identity, poor attachment to others, low self-esteem and self-efficacy (the sense of mastery) lead ), etc. Research has established the importance of all infants and developing children having an appropriate, warm, and loving attachment to a mother figure during the developmental years. Without an appropriate, warm, and loving parent figure, children are likely to develop multiple personality, emotional, and psychological difficulties. For many of my clients, the lack of a loving parent figure has led to an increase in psychiatric symptoms, academic and academic difficulties, fears of abandonment, and many other challenges. This article discusses the aftermath or consequences of growing up without an emotionally available parent.

Parents who are emotionally unavailable are often immature and psychologically affected themselves. As hard as it is to believe, emotionally unavailable parents have a lot of problems of their own that can stretch back to their own childhood. There is often a deficit in parents who cannot meet the emotional and psychological needs of their child. In a way, some emotionally empty parents deserve sympathy, as they are often emotionally burned adults who have no way of dealing with their own emotional and psychological needs. As a result, this type of parent becomes one of the following: dismissive, emotionally distant, immature, self-centered, or narcissistic, or driven to succeed in life. Emotionally, these adults are not what their stated (or chronological) age suggests they are. They are pseudomature in many ways, often pushing the child towards premature adulthood and emotional independence. The parent, due to a lack of self-awareness, maintains negative behavioral patterns that often affect the child in more ways than one as the child sinks deeper and deeper into despair. Unfortunately, those same children grow into emotionally needy teenagers and adults who crave love, security, and affection they never received.

Symptoms often representative of adults who areemotionally immature and distantinclude but are not limited to:rigidity(unwillingness to be flexible if necessary),low stress tolerance(inability to endure stress in a mature way),emotional instability with aggression(Outbursts of anger characterized by threats of physical aggression, suicidal gestures, cutting behavior, or other acts of self-harm)bad borders(the desire to be their child's friend rather than a parent),unstable relationships(multiple partners or friends creating more trouble than peace) andattention seeking(looking for awards, recognition or support at any cost) among many other characteristics. Tragically, the affected children often grow into teenagers and adults who are also struggling with life.

Some of the consequences of growing up with immature and emotionally empty parents are:

1. Affected relationships between adults: Believe it or not, our childhood(s) influences our relationships and how we interact with others later in life. If we have been appropriately loved and cared for, we will most likely exhibit the same traits as adults. If we have been abused and neglected, we will most likely develop traits to protect ourselves as adults, such as being protective. B. Being defensive or overly protective. Some adults get angry or struggle with long-term relationships, leading to a variety of short-term and unstable relationships. It's important to note that not every child with an emotionally unavailable parent grows into a struggling adult. Some adults grow up to be better people than their parents could ever be. Every situation is different, and so are the variables in the lives of children with emotionally unavailable parents. More often than not, however, children with emotionally empty parents often grow into teenagers and adults with problems of their own.
2. Fear of commitment and love: Children who developed under an emotionally empty parent will most likely grow into a teenager and adult who struggles to connect emotionally to others and to receive/demonstrate love. While working at a nonprofit agency, where my clients were prone to being abused (emotionally, physically, and sexually), I noticed a pattern where many of those clients not only had difficulty maintaining appropriate interactions with colleagues and associates, but also had trouble connecting with myself and other mental health professionals. Trust is an important part of a positive emotional connection. If you have not experienced the love, affection, and protection of a loving adult, you are more likely to develop defenses or protective mechanisms that in some way separate you from other people. Unfortunately, defense and protective mechanisms can prevent the person from appropriately engaging in therapy or trusting that they can be happy and secure in their relationships.
3. Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Traits: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are two disorders that can negatively affect anyone associated with the sufferer. The unstable, emotionally unstable moods that often characterize BPD can lead to frequent arguments, paranoia, blame, and physical or verbal aggression. The NPD's self-centered, overly confident, and arrogant behavior can leave developing children feeling emotionally alienated from that parent. Without proper treatment/therapy, both of these disorders can destabilize the home and many relationships.
4. selfishness: I have often viewed selfishness as a personality deficiency as it is a trait not to be admired. Not being able to share with others can lead to an inability to be emotionally distant and immature behavior. I previously had a 10 year old client who loved playing games on his iPad after school. His mother, who was abused during her childhood, reported that she would not allow him to play on his iPad after school. Of course, many parents don't want their kids to play games until the homework or chores are done. But to my surprise, that wasn't the reason for restricting access to his iPad. She eventually admitted that she didn't like him touching her iPad because she'd spent so much money on it and liked that it still looked brand new. She went on to share that as a child, she rarely had anything of her own and felt the need to "protect" her investment. This kind of selfishness led to years of parent-child conflict. As her son grew older and began to question her/his behavior, he became even more resentful towards her and eventually asked to live with his father. The relationship was destroyed.
5. Substance abuse/addiction: To cope with pain and distress, many people turn to substances that "take it away" or "numb the pain." Unfortunately, recreational or prescription use of medication becomes a habit and the need for self-medication becomes an addiction. Once an addiction sets in, the user's life becomes more complicated as relationships, employment, and other important areas of life no longer seem important to the drug addict.
6. Lack of identity and orientation: A former teenage client once asked me this question at almost every one-to-one session we had: "How do you know what kind of relationship you should have if all of the relationships in your life were in some way abusive or exploitative?" I would always respond by emphasizing the importance of a strong moral and identity foundation. Without understanding who you really are, you are more likely to follow the crowd and let anyone into your life with the slightest interest in you. When you know who you are, what you want, and what's best for you, you're likely to be more careful about choosing other people to be a part of your life. A lack of identity can lead to a series of unstable and superficial relationships that are short-lived.
7. Loss of hope, faith and joy: For many adults who have been raised by an emotionally empty parent, there is a deep sense of loss and grief. The "loss" of a parent who is still alive and breathing can seem like the most tragic of experiences. Looking parents in the eye or hearing their voice and still feeling so far away is tragic. The inability to connect with the person who brought you into this world is tragic. It's like a joke. It's like a distant fantasy. Unfortunately, the adult child begins to feel a sense of sadness and loss of hope, faith, and joy. Sometimes adult children internalize their feelings and begin to feel depressed, suicidal, or self-harm. This is often when substance abuse begins.

It is truly sad that a child's life can be disrupted by a parent's emotional and psychological instability and unavailability. It's as if this belief gives the unstable parent more power than they deserve. But decades of research confirm that children need to experience a caring caregiver during infancy in order to develop the appropriate skills (the ability to be emotionally available, to connect with other people, to understand the rules of social communication etc.) needed for later in life.

Do you have any questions about it? Did you experience this? If so, don't hesitate to post below as I always enjoy reading your questions and answers.

As always, I wish you all the best