How to Manage Alienated Children - Reconcile the parent-child relationship (2023)

  • Ali

    I'm looking for answers as to why my 21 year old daughter decided to cut ties with the entire family. I could blame the divorce, but her father and I were parents and did our best to respect the rules of each household. I thought maybe the rules were too much forMoreto follow her, but she stuck to the rules until she met her boyfriend. It's one thing that this male child encourages her to break the rules of coming home early in the morning without sending a message saying she'll be late, but he encouraged her to speak her mind ("I'm grown and Don I don't have to tell you anything") and the final act of allowing her to move in with him and his parents is just too much to handle. I should be relieved that she is "safe" but I am not as she has blocked all communication and is in her words "not ready to speak". At one time she was independent and had her own mind, but this person and his supportive parents brainwashed her.
  • broken heart

    Still as sad as I was when they broke me up 7 years ago. Both of my daughters have sided with their father during a difficult divorce. He clarified that the glitch was all my fault, maybe it was her. To punish me, he convinced the girls that I was really bad

    Every day I think of them and just hope they are happy and safe. Trouble thinking about another no contact Christmas

  • So sad

    I don't know where to start. My daughter and I had problems when she was 14. After she became hormonal and the first Covid lockdown. She was angry and grumpy. Wanted to stay in her room the whole time. I struggled but thought it was normal mother daughter stuff that would pass. Then she suddenly went to her father and never came back. 16 months ago. Her father allowed her to call the shots, see me or not, talk to me or not. He intercedes for her. She now refuses to go to therapy and is totally indifferent to me.

    I did everything for her that she ever wanted and more, but because I wouldn't allow her to be mean to me, she stopped me.

    • umbar

      I was in this situation too. My daughter's father poisoned her mind against me and I haven't seen her for 2 years now. I miss her every day and it hurts so much. I have a feeling that now it will always be what her father doesn't want her to beMoreto see me and she thinks he's great. I'm hoping that maybe that will change when she's older, she's 17 now.
  • Heartbroken Mom

    Me and my now 29 year old son were so close and I have to admit I've had a hard time every time he's moved out. But then he got engaged and married, now he never calls to check on me or his stepdad, we got to the pointMoreWe stop inviting him and his wife to anything so they don't have to make excuses. My heart is literally so broken I'm crying in my car. i cry at home I feel like a failure or something. I just wish one day my phone would ring and it would be him to just say, "Hey, I love you mom
  • Zak

    My son left me yesterday. He's 17 and lives with my wife and I'm absolutely heartbroken, we just thought he was going through a phase but is becoming more and more isolated. I tried to talk to him but couldn't reach him. He did well in school with his high school diploma.

    We noticed that he was online and chatting with a friend for up to 16 hours

    media and gaming.

    We asked him to try and find a balance as it was hurting our relationship and his education, but instead it just made things worse.

    Then yesterday he said he wanted to go and go to his birth mother who hasn't been with him for many, many years. I couldn't believe he was leaving us.

    I'm a mess right now and to be honest I'm sorry he's not here. I'm just a mess...I just got an email from him

    Say if he can have his Snapchat verification code. For him he just moved on as if nothing had happened and as good as being

    Excited I'm angry.

    I'm just groggy and feeling totally empty. His

    The birth mother lives 15 miles away and I'm worried he might leave the school he's at here and go to a local there.

    The school he goes to is where I live

    One of the best in Yorkshire and where his birth mother is it's not a very pretty place. I'm so deaf right now.

    I don't know what's going to happen, all I know is that he's gone and we're left here.

  • Unicite99

    I was in tears when I went to the internet to distract myself and wrote my problem to find this site. Reading all of the comments, all of the parents here have dedicated their lives to their children, proving that I am correct in recognizing that the number one reason for breaking ties is to prove to themselves that they are adults and it can do on their own without needing our help, and I have to say that of course you get used to taking and not giving. I'm new to all this. My 24-year-old son only moved out a few months ago and the shock came immediately afterwards, it didn't come gradually. We were very close as his father was never involved in his upbringing. We were one and only had us. Cutting ties was never something I could imagine. And even though I came to that realization and found out that if he proved himself alone in the real world, he might come back, it never made me feel better. Then it really scares me to read comments about cutting ties for years. I already feel like I've lost my son as I know him and I live with the hope that when the time is right he will come back. Why rejected kids always try to get in touch with their parents, prove themselves to them and deserve their love. Always longing for parental care when ours reject ours and hate it transcends and confuses me. Have we all made a mistake in giving too much, in giving ourselves and our lives? So now that they turned and closed the door, do we feel empty and that our lives are utterly meaningless? Don't they share our love because it was always there, granted, never missed, like a filthy rich man who always had money he doesn't know what to do with, so money is worthless to him?? Have we been doing it wrong all along? I always thought you only get love when you give love!!! Will I do it differently if I go back in time? No, but at least I'll be a little prepared. He was my only friend, my only family, my world and thought I was his!!! I was the mother who thought that with such great communication and unconditional love, I would never be one of those mothers who feel alienated from their own children. We will always be special to each other, an unbeatable team!!

    I know this isn't the place to ask questions and I'm not asking, just thinking out loud.

  • Excluded

    I have been locked out of my son's life for over 2 years. Before his engagement to my (now) DIL, we hit it off great. I was a teenage mom. My parents helped and raised him, but we always had an excellent, open and honest relationship. We talked about anything and everything and he never held grudges, hard feelings. I was a constant in his life through it all. We may not be your typical mother/son, but we were SOLID! When my DIL came into the picture, well, when they got engaged, that COMPLETELY changed. It's not so much WHAT I did. It's that she doesn't approve of my decisions early on. Regardless, I feel like she influenced him. You haven't spoken to me for more or less two years this time. Before that it was over a year. They started speaking to me again before my first grandson was born, but my DIL wanted a meeting to set some ground rules. She talked everything. My son just sat there. I suffer from depression and anxiety, something I never told my DIL. At the "meeting" she told me that I should never spend any time alone with my grandson. I was devastated!

    I've tried to do things their way, but I feel like I'm playing some kind of game where I don't know the rules. I take care of my aging mother and every time they pick her up my DIL comes to the door. I think it's because she doesn't want my son and I to talk. Unfortunately I have to see her at family gatherings. It's not bad, but very painful. You speak to every other member of my family except me. I have only held my grandson 3 times. He's 2 and a half. I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. My son only says hello. My DIL is not talking to me or looking at me.

    Today my granddaughter was born. Every family member of mine was informed about the pregnancy and sent pictures and texts when she was born. My mom lives with me, so when my son called to tell her, I was there right away. It's another level of pain to have to hear this conversation. My mother asked him if he wanted to talk to me. He said no. More rejection. I know I will be barred from seeing her or going to her baptism or visiting her or anything. I don't get much support from my family as they don't really know what to do and there is quite a breakdown in communication. I'm in therapy but it doesn't erase the pain and rejection. Sorry for the book but I'm glad I found this site.

  • Mike

    I got divorced in 1990, my daughter was 2 years old then. My first mistake, aside from having a child with someone who shouldn't have children, was believing my daughter would be okay with divorced parents. Young! was I wrong? I didn't expect her to see othersMorechildren families. It didn't help that her mother wasn't stable either. Although I was more stable, I wasn't capable of being a full-time father. So I tried to be the best weekend dad I could. Although I know I could have been a better father. I was faced with more than I could handle. Twice her mother took her and left the state. I had gained permanent custody after the second time, but before that I had to take temporary custody no less than 4 times while her mother went from one disaster to the next. I remarried and divorced while trying to establish a relationship with my daughter. See I went through a horrible childhood so I had no guidance. So I wanted to have a good relationship with her. I dated a lot after my divorce and it kind of drove a huge wedge between us. It also affected my ability to have a stable relationship because I was asked about my parents' abilities by women I dated. They wondered why my daughter wouldn't talk to them. I fought hard for custody, to the point that I got heavily in debt to get it. With almost zero family support. Now my daughter won't talk to me anymore. That is new. Last several months. I am exhausted. heart is broken I also have a granddaughter that I cannot see. I write and call and get nothing.
  • 20 years

    It's been 20 years since I've had real contact with my daughter. From time to time I hear from others what she's up to and send her a Christmas and birthday card every year. I never get an answer.

    It's hard when I really sit and think about it. I think about her complicated teenage years and all that happened. I'm now thinking about my feelings towards her. I love her, she is my child who I raised until she was in her mid teens but I don't know her now. I'm not sure if I would recognize her if I saw her on the street and I don't know how I would react, she somehow feels less real.

    It's devastating to realize that things have turned out this way. It feels like it happened, like opening another life or someone else. I live on, but her loss weighs on my shoulder and creates a void. A gap that becomes apparent when I realize that a friend doesn't know I have a daughter or when I'm asked how many children I have.

  • Angelag

    I don't know where to start, so much chaos in my life over the last 20 years. I'll try to summarize. Was married in 87, had my first daughter in 88 and my second daughter 13 months later. However, in 2000 he separated and moved into a second home that I had bought just 3 houses down! Divorced in 2007 which was a war of roses. During this time, my 13-year-old daughter decided she didn't like the discipline in my house, so she went to live with her fathers. He had parties galore with all the biker types vacationing there, mostly men. Meanwhile my youngest daughter, my prayers were answered, was double enrolled, graduated with honors and attended a very wealthy college on a full 4 year scholarship. My eldest daughter now has the treasure of her h. married and joined the military. Had my grandson and was based in Hawaii. My youngest daughter graduated from college with 2 bachelor's degrees while doing an internship at Capital Hill and was also a published member of our country's Minerva think tank for our nation at age 18. BUT THEN: She got involved with a boy from our town who got her into drugs, she had a baby that ended up in my X's care but was also at my house 3 doors down from me. She was in and out of prison and ended up being handed over to her father due to lack of grandparents rights even though he wasn't fit and so on? Back to my eldest daughter, while I was in Hawaii for 3 years I visited her 3x. I thought we were getting closer, but she always seemed to kind of blame me for her upbringing? In 2014 my ex passports and his mother could get everything he owned and not pass anything on to any of our children. Mind you there wasn't a day in my kids life that I was without them and I gave them everything, I also bought 2 of everything but somehow I wasn't a good mom?? Well it was about time she went back to her home state and her husband wasn't readmitted after 13 years in the military so she came home and of course her pets and her household stuff and my grandson and I had her and all hers Stuff in my house for a year or so until she found a house to buy and her husband took a construction job in Afghanistan for a year. I helped her clean, paint, and gut the kitchen and anything else she needed, even laying the tiles in the kitchen for her. Now came the time when I insisted that she take her 3 cats, rabbit and dog and their belongings home with her. Christmas 2020, I spent weeks shopping alone for presents, no joy! Gave them all the presents and they all went home. They came back 2 days later with a uhaul, got all their stuff and I haven't heard from them since the house they bought is about 10 minutes away in the same town. My youngest actually sent me a birthday card this year, the first time I've heard from her in 7 years. Still problems.

    I find in the last 2 years and 10 months. I've painted my house inside and out, got a new roof, pressure washed, threw it, sold it and just lost my mind because if I stop, I'm going to break out in depression. So much heartbreak!

  • Heartbroken Mom

    My 18 year old daughter has been spending less and less time with me over the past 7 years. She still lives at home and I had custody of her, but my ex-husband is a manipulator and her best friend and has been for most of her life since our divorceMorewhen she was 3 she never disciplined. Now the relationship between me and my daughter is broken, I fear I will lose her forever. She is almost never at home, but when she is she stays away from me in her room and does not contribute to the housework. Her room is a mess and she says I'm too picky so she's gone most of the time and doesn't come home before curfew. She makes me feel guilty and like a bad mother, but I feel like a lot of what she says to me is speaking to her father. On my birthday weekend, she spent time with her father and her boyfriend's family and didn't make time for me. It hurt so bad. She also has no respect for my husband who has raised her since she was little and now I'm not at the point where I just want her to move out so I can have some rest. She has 2 jobs and we said if she will live here she will pay rent and we were told we didn't earn her money. She says the most hurtful things... I feel like I failed as a mother even though I was always there for her and tried my best. I guess I couldn't compete with her "best friend" if I'm her parent.
  • forgot dad

    I've looked through this and don't see any dads. Maybe my fault for not looking far enough through. But I am a separated father with long court battles that my son wanted me to fight to get custody of him. The 2 times under 6 months (so mom wouldn'tMorechild support) my son was an A&B student. Well done. No problems and didn't miss school. Since mom never passed school (was pushed up the ladder) she missed school an average of 8+ days a month. Was expelled, suspended and more. The mother was arrested for several things, one of which was abusing my 15 year old son. What they accused me of was that I worked a lot. But had to because of child support, court costs, my family who was with me at the time, with two children who were not mine, that their father did not pay child support. However, when my son was 15 and my mother was arrested, he lived with me and she took him away from me. Since I was able to talk to him here and soon I couldn't talk to him and even I got blocked from PS4 communication. He's almost 18 now and not a word about him. I have been pursuing where to like his school. He is still failing and misses school very much. His mother is ruining his future and there's nothing I can do about it. He doesn't want anything to do with me except the alimony I pay. Fathers don't have the emergency numbers, financial support, support systems or anything to help us. On top of that, we only get words like, "Man, go back to court, get over it, it's coming over, God has a plan, you'll get used to it, or some other worthless spell or something that doesn't help I please." for help, I am forgotten and want to be found!
    • Tim T

      Bro I get you had him @ 24 my all spent on him. Called one day (I earn about 15,000 A Mo), stepfather took his mother to the hospital, he calls and asks for my help. Fought and lost 2 custodyMoreCases around 200-500,000 after he begged us to fight for him. Did everything we could. EVERYONE who has worked with or under me has their dreams and financial success. AGAIN, IU went back into business to make everyone's life great. Long story short He stopped reading tomes on his birthday in 2018 and is unresponsive to My Wife, his stepmother who gave up her life to help raise him. All my life people have pushed me away. 4 years later he hasn't responded to anything other than an inheritance notice after my mother died. His life is wonderful, mine is hell and I feel your pain because I'm confused and fed up with it all. Honestly, if it wasn't my current wife, my existence would have no meaning at all. You are not alone. NO That doesn't make it any less shitty
  • Spring

    Today is my daughter's 26th birthday. My daughter hasn't contacted me in 2 years. I do not know why? It hurts. From around the age of 15 it was difficult when things really changed. I haven't given up and I never will. I leave messages, phone uMorelittle stories of occasions. I wish her the best and that I love her. I signed up. No replies ever. I just pray that one day we have a chance to reconnect. I took advice and am trying to stay positive. I've never understood why these things happened, but after reading this I will never give up on reconnecting in a more mature, calm way one day.
  • i am wisson

    I have a 14 year old daughter. I had addiction problems. In the past my daughter has told me that she doesn't want to be hurt/disappointed anymore. She does not respond to my messages what to write on the greeting card
  • sad mom

    My 22 year old told me he never wanted to see me again. I confronted him after he lied to me. On my birthday I went to my parents' house and asked them to come with me. He said he would help take my youngest son to school instead. The next day I visited my youngest at school to find out that my oldest never went.

    I understood that he didn't want to visit his grandparents, it can be a bit unbearable but they are older and need to keep in touch. So I confronted him about lying and he could have just said he didn't want to go and maybe we would meet for dinner at a later date. But he lied and screwed up my birthday. After I confronted him, he said he never wanted to see me again. I'm about to have a panic attack. My children are everything to me. It's the first day and I'll give him his space, but I can't imagine never seeing my son again. He's a little angry, but he's a good boy. Finish school and work hard. I raised her well. I have been divorced from her father for 9 years. I know my son is very scared and I want to be there for him. We've been close until now. I feel like a failure

  • Sai

    My 20 year old son kicked me out after my birthday last time he asked me for money. We had a very stressful move out of state and a lot of things happened. He decided not to come and find a place with his girlfriend.MoreHe finally contacted me via text message this week. He told me everything he thought he was doing wrong. I want to make things better. I don't know how to answer without giving him the power to walk all over me (I have a habit of letting my kids do that). I'm willing to take all the blame, get all the help, anything. Is that in order? Can I just say I'm sorry and I messed up and I made bad decisions and now I can get help? Do I need to explain anything or assert myself when making decisions (like completing tasks (I know.))?
  • Lisa

    My 25 year old has apparently disowned me. So many things I could have done differently. No abuse at home. She had trouble saying no or being grounded for not doing schoolwork and getting bad grades. Ran away from home at 15. I just found herMorenext day 4 hours away. I thought she was dead in a ditch from riding the bus overnight and we found out by accident the next day. A stranger called me. A week later I sent her to her father, who lives across the country. I was afraid that she would run away again. I told her that if she didn't want to live with me, she would have to live with her father because she was underage and living on the streets was not an option. My child was not born a girl. She has legally changed her name and is on hormone-blocking medication. She wasn't living as a woman when I got her. I think she was struggling with it, which led to depression and anxiety. I tried to take her for a makeover when she came home to visit one time. She said she doesn't like makeup and didn't want to go shopping with me for clothes. She made me pay to get a haircut and nails done. She studies and works. I'm still paying for her cell phone. I tried calling, texting. I send birthday cards with money. My SMS and calls go unanswered. She also doesn't seem to respond when her grandmother or uncle calls. I apologize for mistakes on my part. No parent is perfect. I'm thinking about stopping paying for her phone. The last time she replied she said I was difficult to talk to. I simply asked what did I do to deserve to be cast out? I cry every Mother's Day because I don't get calls or texts. No calls on my birthday. I never stopped trying. I even deposited money into their PayPal to make it easier than cashing a check. I'm terrified that I won't be able to reach her, but am seriously considering not paying more for her phone line as our calls go unanswered. I think being in a relationship is a two way street. The additional line doesn't cost us much. I don't want to come across as vengeful or angry, but she's 25 and doesn't seem to appreciate me paying for the phone. No thanks for birthday money. Even Christmas calls go unanswered. She has a decent relationship with her father. I do not know what to do. pain never goes away
  • Johnny

    My son and I have always been very close. Then he started dating a woman who I think is obviously unstable. There was one episode where she got very violent towards him. He had never seen her like this and was shocked. He never broke up with herMoreto see you again. But 3 days later he found out she was pregnant. He did the right thing and stands by her. They now have a baby who is 6 months old. She decided from the start that I was her whipping boy. She sends me rude, disrespectful messages accusing me of things I've never done that she seems to have fabricated and made true in her head. She did that three or four times. At first I didn't say anything to my son because I felt it was the wrong thing to do. But the last one was so upsetting and it brought me to tears so I spoke to him about it. Your last text message to me was extremely rude. She told me to keep my distance and not text her. That was two months ago and in those two months my daughter and I saw my son and her baby for about five or six hours total. After her last text, my son came up to me and said, "Don't worry about her putting a wedge between us mom. That'll never happen," which tells me he thought she was capable of it. But here we are, and he definitely seems to be avoiding me. We make plans and I get reasons that sound like excuses for not sticking to our plans for lunch or whatever. He says he calls and doesn't. I get the most incredible reasons why he can't answer. For example last night after he blew me away two days in a row about plans we had without texting or calling, I texted him and asked if something was wrong. I got a text from the girlfriend (who hasn't texted me, pictured the baby or called me for 2 months) saying my son lost his phone somewhere in the apartment. The baby is sleeping, so we can't really look for it now. Obviously that doesn't make any sense at all. He could have called me from her phone, not to mention the obvious — that there's no logical reason why a person can't look for their phone because their baby is sleeping. I have no idea what's going on and just don't know what to say or do. Even after her violent episode, I was always nothing but friendly and welcoming. I didn't want to judge her at her worst moment, so I let it go and didn't give it a second thought. I've tried calling her after her "mean girl" messages to clear things up but she doesn't answer. I once tried to speak to her directly but she got very angry almost menacing and said she was done and left the room upset. Please help. At first I wondered if I was overly sensitive, but my daughter is also very heartbroken and upset. I know my place in my son's relationship with his girlfriend, but this has gone way too far. Many Thanks.
    • How to Manage Alienated Children - Reconcile the parent-child relationship (1)Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

      We appreciate you reaching out and sharing your story. I can hear how distraught you are about the way things turned out. Your situation is slightly outside the scope of what we are able to offer coaching or advice. I encourage you to see what types of local support are available for you and your family.

      We wish you all the best for the future. Watch after.

  • SM

    Is it possible to be hurt so much by your children that you feel numb and don't believe you can love them again?
  • Confused.

    I adopted my daughter at birth and am so in love with her, she was so clingy, then she went through puberty and became a normal brat for a while. When her boyfriend and she broke up for a while, she sat on my lap and cried. IMorewas so heartbroken by her pain that I was depressed. She had come to me for comfort. They reconciled and later married and were genuinely in love. 11 years later the marriage ended and she moved in with me. But although I didn't understand why, she refused to share her feelings or anything with me and treated me coldly. I wanted to be a comforting mother but she refused any question and shut me out. I was a mess and ended up losing 30 pounds. Any suggestion of things I would say to convey my sympathy and understanding to her was met with a one-word comment. It was total hell for me. I seemed like nothing to her. I loved her, but also felt sorry for needing her to need me. Now 4 years later and with a man she loves I no longer feel like a relative who helps when I can and she has always said she loves me and hugs me as she always has , but I don't share her thoughts, feelings .she 34.I'd just like to hold her hand and let her look at me and have some time. I still live with the pain inside.
  • Tiff

    I'm so lucky to have found this at a time when I'm dealing with so many emotions. I am hopefull.
  • Hard times

    Last year I was in the hospital for 3 months. My esophagus ruptured and brought with it many other problems, the doctors told my husband and son that I might not live. Long before all of this happened, my son and I were very close. Now he hardlyMoretalks to me and when we are together he gets so mad at me. He's in AA and I'm trying to support him. It was so hard because instead of calling me, he calls my friend. I'm so hurt because last year I went through extensive therapy to learn to walk and talk again and he distanced himself from me.
  • sad times

    Our only child has been in counseling for 15 years. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and takes medication for the condition on a daily basis. In December last year she broke off all contact with us for the second time.

    The first time she visited us from outside to introduce us to our granddaughter. She had been here for a few days and we had a great time. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, she became angry, not wanting to say why, grabbed her daughter and stormed out. We haven't seen or heard from her in a year. When she got in touch, she acted like nothing happened and never mentioned it. We've been walking on eggs for years to keep it from running out, so we just let it be too.

    Fast forward four years ago. She returned to our state and divorced her husband. She lives 45 minutes away. I often drove over to visit her and our two grandchildren. My husband even bought me a small SUV to have room for our grandchildren. Our daughter was going back to college, so I would babysit when she was busy. Then came Covid. My husband is almost 80 and very fragile. I'm in my early 70s. We just wouldn't put ourselves at risk of a disease that had the potential to kill any of us. The pandemic was a turning point for us. I still went over from time to time but not as often as before, especially after the kids went back to school and were exposed to Covid more than once.

    Our daughter and I were constantly on the phone and texting. She was completely supportive and understood our self-imposed isolation. We have our syringes and our boosters. I walked over and stayed a few times.

    Last December I just called to talk, as was our habit. I could tell from her tone that something was wrong and asked if everything was ok. She said she spent some time with the kids because they wouldn't leave them to study for the finals and that she had to apologize to them because she really told them verbally. I told her to call me when things calmed down.

    She called a few minutes later and immediately attacked, yelling at me and telling me I had used Covid as an excuse not to look after the children that I had promised to be there for them and I wasn't. She kept talking while I tried to get her to calm down. I finally hung up, gave her a few minutes and called her back. She immediately followed me again. I ended up hanging up three more times. In the end, still screaming, she said she might as well cut her losses and hung up.

    I later tried to engage with her rationally via text message. She was terrible. Told me to fuck off, which was mild compared to the really horrible things she said. She sent me a long text so full of hate I deleted it. For several months I have continued to send her kind, loving messages. They all went unanswered. A month ago her father was diagnosed with two types of skin cancer. He has his first surgery scheduled for next week. I texted her and asked her to reply because I had health information for her about her father. Nothing. Grilling.

    Your father and I had a long talk. I told him I just had to keep going. He agreed. We were both consumed with worry, not only for her but for the children as well. In addition to her mental health issues, our daughter is also an alcoholic and has been a dedicated AA member for over 3 years and sober. So our concern for them is also reinforced by this concern.

    Anyway, I sent her a long text telling her that we love her and will always love her no matter what and that her decision to cut off contact with us was absolutely her prerogative and her business . I also told her that I will not send any more text messages. I probably shouldn't have said this, but my own mental health is suffering so badly that I've developed some serious health issues of my own. The texts I send just pull me back into the situation. I have to find a way to move on. I just don't know what to do.

    Still nothing from her.

  • Julia

    My 20 year old daughter left in the middle of the night. She took a suitcase full of clothes and that was it. She met a couple from Seattle and got a plane ticket. This happened 5 weeks ago and I am completely broken.
    • CK

      It's heartbreaking to hear you. I feel your pain and your sense of loss. Having been through a similar situation I can tell you that time heals you. Show yourself some compassion and don't take the blame. If necessary, see a therapist for help with your emotions. HopeMoreand prayers for a happy reunion. Hugs❤️
  • Rubber band

    I have a 55 year old son who I raised on my own without the support of my abusive ex-husband who I have stayed away from for all these years. I have always been close to my son and supported him financially during his bad times in addition to giving him upMore$200,000 in his adult years. He is currently second married to an 8 year old son who I have been babysitting non-stop since he was born. His father remarried several times, had several girlfriends, and had a girlfriend who lived with Alzheimer's. His father never had a close relationship with his only child and always verbally abused our son throughout his life. I was always close to my son. When his father died four days ago and made our son his only beneficiary, my son called everyone to tell them to visit him before he died. I received a text message from my daughter-in-law while babysitting my grandson to let me know he had passed away. My son sat alone in the hospice while they prepared his father for my son to sit with him until he died. I couldn't believe my son hadn't called me to be with him and allow me to peacefully end the relationship I had with his father. Not once did my son or his wife ask about my well-being. When they came to pick up their son, I let them know how hurt I was. My grandson and I are the only blood relatives he has left. Now I find my ex's obituary on Facebook advising that a memorial service will be held, no mention of his only son's mother being a survivor, no phone call from my son asking that I be at the service stand. I guess his dad's girlfriend will be at the service with my son. I don't know if I should attend and sit in the back row and just let everyone know I'm alive or just stay away and indicate that I have no feelings about the death of my son's father. I can only think that since my son no longer needs my financial support, he no longer needs his mother. I cannot express the pain I feel in my soul.
    • at

      When my ex-husband died, I had always remained friends with the family. My ex and I have remained good friends. My adult son and his wife went to the funeral. They traveled from California to Arizona. They didn't ask me to go and I wouldMorestill said no. You have to understand that you are his ex. I didn't feel obligated to because I was his ex. And my son and his wife wouldn't sit with his wife if he had one. So I don't understand your reasoning with all the expectations you have of your son.
  • Rachel Conyers ga

    I came across this article while looking for something on how to discipline a 6 year old. I have an estranged 13 year old due to my alcoholism. I am recovering and have custody of my 6 year old whom I am trying to raise to the best of my ability. My 13 year old is estranged from me. BecauseMorea bad situation that happened the last time I saw him before I got sober. Just reading this article really helped. The part about understanding and hope really hit me hard, even though he is not an adult he is developing adult feelings and I pray that in time he will forgive me and we are able to grow our relationship a little bit at this point to enhance. I was also really touched by the part about understanding one's family history and dynamics, because that's what I learned in my AA program. This is a great article that really helped me get up and get my day going today. Thanks very much!
  • Not angry

    I wonder if those who write about the consequences of children turning away from their parents realize that anger is not a consequence. The majority of parents are not angry, resentful, or vindictive. I don't like what the post implies...
  • young mom

    My 46 year old son has a history of substance abuse. He has been clean for 3 years and is doing very well. He's had several crises lately and I had reason to believe he might have been on a drug. I didn't accuse, I asked and he saidMorehe said no, but he isolated himself. I don't know where he lives, but I know he works. He wants us to leave him alone. I'm so scared for him. Every time I reach out, he's very brief with me. I don't know what to do, I'm heartbroken
  • Mutter

    My 28 year old son graduated, joined the military, got married and had his first child in his life without me. There's no point in blaming and figuring out what I did or didn't do that caused him to alienate me, but the older meMoreget the more i do. I'm going from OMG I hope he doesn't feel like I left him to F IT! I'm so over it Decided this will be the year I stop sending cards and emails that went unanswered. I had him until the age of 14, then he stopped loving me. 💔
    • Amy

      my heart breaks for you
    • mom in mourning

      Send him love from afar, but don't take the abuse. Take good care of yourself. Love and prayers.♥️
  • mom in mourning

    My daughter, 18 years old, left home while on college break. She emailed a day later saying she was safe with friends and had left home forever. She also mentioned in that email that she has made and is making arrangements for college expensesMoreare neither financially nor materially dependent on our support. All of our emails have gone unanswered. She has changed her phone number and is unavailable. Her social media posts are the only way for us to know she's okay. We have contacted some of their friends and we are being treated quietly. She appears to be telling them that she was abused, which is completely untrue. We are a very stable, educated family with no problems; drugs or alcohol. I can't imagine she didn't have the courage or communication skills to talk about it. I think social media enables narcissistic behavior. It is very difficult to overcome grief as we do not know the real reasons. The worry and pain have paralyzed our family. My younger child, who is still a teenager, cannot understand them. We believe there is a lot of brainwashing by older college friends.
    • Confused

      I feel you. My son did the exact same thing in his early twenties. He was like "Joe" in that article. We moved hoping to give him a fresh start and a new perspective on life, but he moved out saying we were mistreating him. He didn't go contactlessMoreimmediately and stayed in touch with me for a number of years. And then, literally overnight, she stopped speaking or contacting me. When I try to contact him, he refuses to communicate. At first he said he was trying to figure things out, and then...nothing. I've seen other articles blaming us moms for this reaction, but that's a cop out. But it's like you say there are other influences on our older kids and nobody really knows what's going on in their heads. I send you good wishes for a happy breakup with your daughter.
      • mom in mourning

        Thank you very much! I agree with you that parents are held responsible for everything that happens to the children, even if they choose to do things their way! Love and prayers for a reunion with your son!
    • 99 % rein

      Note: These posts should include dates. What you write is such classic behavior that every source I've read and everything I've experienced says your daughter will "reappear" in a few years. This does not relieve the sadness or anger, but on the "bright"Moreside, the chances of her coming back are high. In the meantime, dedicating time and talent to other pursuits is the best thing to do.
      • mother in mourning (2.6.22)

        Thanks for your comment! I hold on to the slight hope and pray hard for a change of heart on their part! As you so wisely said, it is best to devote time and talent to other pursuits! It takes a lot of work to achieve thatMorebut arrive slowly.
  • hurt deeply

    I was a teenage mom and single mom. I was physically and emotionally abused by my father and my mother did nothing, she was controlled and emotionally abused herself. I vowed to take the good from them and not take advantage of the bad and be a better parent. I thought I'd nailed it when my oldest childminder told me she had told a friend of mine that I was like a "best friend, older sister and mom all rolled into one". We had a solid mother-daughter relationship, we played cideo games together, watched anime together and I was always there for her. She was a good older sister to her siblings (I married when she was 7).

    The trouble started when I got her a job and because she is diligent, she devoted herself to it. She was talked down by her boss which resulted in her coming here drunk one night and basically crying on my shoulder that I was devastated and telling her that she could quit her job and we would pay her bills while she was looking for work or even taking a break first, at the time she was 25. She turned it down. Then she was offered the opportunity to be a manager and asked us what we thought about it. We told her to do it if she wanted and if it was less work for her now that she could delegate tasks to others. In the end, however, she didn't and shouldered the work of others to make sure everything got done. We didn't see this as an option. Soon she wanted to move out and asked me if I needed her to help with the children as my husband traveled a lot for work. I told her I wanted her to stay because I loved her and she was my baby, but I didn't want to get in the way of her life and she had to do what made her happy. She left on good terms.

    At first, she texted and called every week. So it wasn't terrible for me, plus in addition to my 3 kids I had another baby on the way with my husband so I was busy. Then, almost a year after they moved out, the contact broke off. We were scared to think she had died or something as she didn't return any texts or calls from us or my mum. After texting her that her dad was driving to her work to see if she was okay, she sent a long text message. She basically said that she was stressed and in therapy and that she knew she should have answered, but it was "too difficult" and she ended the text with "I would appreciate it if you didn't cause me grief." would” what is she even talking about? I felt like that was a passive attack. We had good reason to be concerned. She contacted us every 2 weeks and then went 3 months without a word. But I wasn't angry, I was scared and told her so. I complimented her for getting help and let her know that I respected her as an adult and loved her and was there for her whenever she needed it. Radio silence for a few months. Then my mother had an emergency. I texted her that she was grateful for telling us she loved us and ended up contacting my mom.

    It has now been 7 months and she is unresponsive and once again unresponsive to messages or calls from me or my husband, her little 8 year old brother pleading on her answering machine, my mum, my brother or any of her friends! My mom had another emergency and needed surgery and she didn't even respond and she always worried and took care of my mom! She never called her to see if she was alright or if she even died! My husband's mother had a stroke and had to be hospitalized and she didn't respond to that either. I wasn't trying to see a grandparent's result or how we coped with it! I'm more than shocked, I'm ashamed. This is my firstborn and I have been with her most of my life. We grew up together since I had her when I was 16. I found them really reliable.

    My mother asks if my daughter loves her now. I am embarrassed, sad and heartbroken. I cried myself to sleep. I really appreciate the therapy as she was fine until she started it.

    I have no idea what happened. Unlike some of the grown kids who come here, I've never been accused of anything by her. I always acknowledged my mistakes as a parent and apologized for them. So there is nothing of this end. The only thing left is 2 things, she is really overworked and stressed and can't handle anything or anyone and her therapist might have told her not to as she said she was having a hard time, work and juggling lives (she worked like 15-hour shifts in retail). ). OR she lives her life in a way that she feels we don't approve of and would rather not tell us about. And you know what? There are some things I would not approve of but it is her life and all I want to know is that she is alive, safe and happy. All I ask for is a text that says, "I'm fine mom, don't worry." And she can't do that.

    how did we get here

  • Desperate mom

    May 2022

    Thank you for the article. Now I know I'm not alone. My 26 year old moved across the country in 2016 and everything was fine until a year ago.

    I haven't heard anything in months. I know that all stories have two sides and nothing is dry. But what I want to know is how to stop this sadness that I've fallen. My youngest is 24 and talks to me almost every day and visits several times a month, says I'm the best mom.

    The worst part is not knowing why you got cut off, how long it will take and the worry...I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. I am in an almost constant state of sadness, grief, anger and despair.

    I don't feel like I can go on with this pain, I have to learn to deal with it.

    • Heartbroken Mom

      May 2022

      I am so thankful that I found this article. I am so ashamed to say that I have now found solace. I know I'm not alone with all of you fellow travelers through this difficult time.

      A few days ago my teenage son moved in with his father. I said things I didn't say in the first place that made him move.

      We spoke on the phone, I said I'm sorry, he wants me to respect his decision and I did.

      As I walked through his empty room, I couldn't help but cry. I feel so broken and sad.

      I'm single, family isn't around and I don't have anyone I can't talk to. I push myself to function so I don't have at least a little moment to pull myself out of my sadness and sorrow. The pain is real, the loss is real.

      I live in Taiwan. I am sorry for my English as it is not my first language.

      • Andreas - 6.6.2022

        I can understand your situation. I had two of my three children who moved out to their (toxic) mother sometime around 14 and 15 years old. The pain and loss you feel are real, so you shouldn't feel guilty if you feel this way. Mourning is healthy.MoreAdditionally, if I could give you one piece of advice, I would highly recommend that you prioritize your health - prioritize sleep, diet, exercise, and mental stimulation (reading, intellectually stimulating podcasts, challenging work, social interaction). You will be much better able to deal with life's challenges when you are a healthy version of yourself!!! These times will be tough, but I hope you get better with time!
  • Broken

    I'm so glad I found this site. My son told me he doesn't want a relationship with me or his father anymore, my heart is so broken and knowing there are other people dealing with the same situation gives me a little understanding
  • mom hurt

    15 years ago my current ex-husband had an affair and left me. I was devastated when my kids were in their early teens and I was struggling with depression. I was so mortally wounded by the betrayal I felt from my husband. It took me many years to recoverMoreand I finally met someone and remarried. My daughter never liked my new husband and they clashed quite often. My daughter moved in with her father and his girlfriend (the women he left me for) when she was about 20 and refused to see or speak to my new husband. She has always taken her father's side and has lived with him for 8 years. Today she told me she thinks I'm bitter and twisted. Am I not happy with my new life? I always talk about how happy I am with my now husband so why can't I forget what her father did and move on. In a way she is right, but she will never understand or acknowledge her father's betrayal of me. In her eyes, he never seems to do anything wrong. i feel so hurt He didn't just leave me after an affair. He blamed me, he stole money from me, he scammed $100,000 from me, he arranged the divorce settlement so he could be better off financially. He took advantage of my devastation to win financially and emotionally with the kids. I'm not sure my daughter will ever understand the devastation I've been through. When I remarried, she didn't approve. I can feel the distance between us. I feel like I not only lost my first husband but also my daughter. it hurts so much xxxx
  • SaDinTexas

    My 24 year old son has cut off all communication for the past 2 months. He and his wife welcomed a beautiful baby girl in December. Then a few days before my son's birthday at the end of February he cut off all communication with me and banned me from all social media platforms and his phone numbers.

    And all I know is that he sent me a long text explaining how I ignore his limitations, his wife tells me it was sent and she will get me a copy of it. I only know that I did not receive this text that he is talking about.

    I need your help please because:

    I made the biggest mistake when I told him that when they have a child, a beautiful little girl, he and his wife would give me a chance to "re-do" or "do-over" with it I can show him that it's not me, I never was, that bad mother everyone makes me out to be.

    Those two words: "re-do" or "do-over"

    is not what I wanted to say. Due to several medications I take, I find it difficult to articulate what I want to say without first having time to think it through to the end.

    What I really wanted to say is that "I would travel back in time, rewind time" with all the sentimental loving, singing, rocking, feeding and playing with her that I did with my son so I could experience it all the good parts of my son, good memories, the sentimental memories, all the great parts of my son and get to know all the great parts of his wife and her daughter.

    My daughter-in-law mentioned in a text message yesterday that my granddaughter is not a novelty to pass around. I'm not sure what that means.

    Except maybe for me it means not just coming and going and never coming back??

  • Ruth

    I'm 77. My youngest son hasn't spoken to me in almost 30 years (except for an hour at his uncle's funeral five years ago). I have no idea why, and this hurts terribly because I have no idea what's wrong either. You would eventually thinkMoreIn those years I would stop crying. It hurts just as much today as it did then, but you learn to function without actually living. He is 45, married, has three boys aged 9 who I have never met and twins who are 6 years old. I live in the deep south and they are as far northeast as you can get. I can't send email or SMS because I'm blocked. God bless Amazon... I send gifts on birthdays and holidays. I still hope to see my grandchildren before I die. If I can stay here until they grow up, maybe they'll get curious and find me. It won't be difficult as I'm in the house her father left when he was 12 to live with his father. Thank you for your article. It's hard not to be angry when it's so painful, but I try. I tell myself that as a father he now understands how I must feel and that he just doesn't know how to come back into my life. PS He's one of five.
  • N

    I am 60 and last year I experienced this tremendous pain. It's the worst pain ever.
  • JEBA

    My 20 year old just decided to cut us off. I'm heartbroken but her boyfriend is a controlling and mentally disturbed person who insists she leaves us. It's been a year of struggle, but she finally decided to do it. weMoreI've been through many therapists and psychiatrists, individually and as a family, and I have to say that being heartbroken doesn't even come close to describing how we feel. will follow the instructions provided
  • JJ

    I am so heartbroken as a father because I do not have a good relationship with my 25 year old son who is still at home and my married daughter who lives about 12 hours drive in another province. My wife humiliated me before that since they were 5 years old. We always haveMoreI was a dysfunctional family, for example I came from a broken home where there was a lot of fighting. I am chronically depressed, have diabetes with high blood pressure and. Trypass heart surgery. I have been treated for depression since 2004. My wife was never interested as the problem is mine. I've done everything I can to get my kids a college education and my daughter won't talk to son is very rude and I've been verbally and emotionally abused by my wife for more than 30 years. No co-parenting and my kids are on their side. Sometimes I just want to die. am i that cowardly
  • Vicki

    It's been 3 years and my first born 23 year old has left me out and feels hurt in the past. She struggles with mental problems. I did everything I could, I can't just focus on myself. I won't give up, I'm here for you, that isMoreso painful. At least she's with my husband and her sister for support, I'm very happy about that. But I'm locked out while the three spend time together to isolate me. All I have is hope and prayers. I want to apologize so much for supporting her that I don't blame her at all.
  • alison rodriguez

    This article has helped me better understand how to deal with why my 20 year old daughter excluded me and the family from her life. Eleven months of refusing to acknowledge family simply because she asked them to be off her phoneMoreOn the phone 24/7 with her needy, clingy boyfriend who is a negative influence on her, it hurts to see that she chooses to listen to him. My first instinct is to cut her off, but I have to keep that door open for her.
  • Debbie Kocian

    Thank you for this article. My 38-year-old son has cut me out of his life for the past six years. He has severe depression and I worry about him. He only communicates with his half-brother. I send cards, notes, gifts and foodMoreDelivery. I will do everything to reach him.
  • Margot

    My daughter is 38 years old. She told her new husband, his family and friends a false narrative about me and her stepfather. My other children hug me. I should say that I left her and her sister's father when they were and are 2 and 3 years oldMoreYou have been married to your stepfather for over 34 years. We had two sons together. The relationship after divorce was always terrible. I took responsibility for everything I did to hurt her. Ever since she met and married her husband about 5 years ago, I've been made to look like an abusive, neglectful, mentally unstable mother. I'm excluded I feel like an idiot. My heart is broken. I don't know why we can't talk about things with a therapist. I feel like whatever I do is evidence of my poor motherhood or instability. I get to the point where I just want to stop trying. Then I sense hope from somewhere. Today I sent a heart emoji for Valentine's Day and got 'happy vday' back. All communication is clinical and pat. My 3 other children hug me. I really don't know what to do. She didn't even send me a link to her wedding pictures 3 years ago because her husband says mine is a coward. The drama feels manipulated, but this is my child and I want to be a part of her life. She visits the town I live in and doesn't call - I'll see it on Facebook. I left FB because I realized she doesn't want anything to do with me. And yet there is this superficial reaction, if any. Today, after realizing that her answer might be for a random stranger, I'm wondering if it's time to throw in the towel and just focus on my other grown children. I'm ready to do anything, but I'm getting tired. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. Can you start anywhere? Or is it best to just walk away? There's a meanness I don't understand.
    • Andreas 6.2.2022

      I am in a similar situation with my 18 year old. It seems like all professional advice is saying to keep the communication open and try to stay positive because "one day" they might come around. I can relate to getting tired even though it's only been 4 years just bitterMoreTexting me it's hard trying to stay positive.
  • Bemar

    My son, his wife and his twin granddaughters have been estranged from me for 7 years. I don't know what to do, I'm always sad.
  • Maria

    My daughter is open about telling everyone that she has BPD and has recovered from drug addiction. We share a big house with her children who both have autism. She recently met someone who I was initially happy to move in since we are renters and a fight ensuedMorebetween my landlady and her boyfriend, who in turn let us all vacate. Despite everything I am now having problems with him and she has decided to move out with him, I saw that coming but what hurts is the fact that she refuses my 2 grandchildren to have anything to do with us. It hurts when I hear my nonverbal 3 years. old granddaughter is yelling to come up and see us and my 10 year old. old grandson I raised to 7 years old will try to make a little or love you grandma if he can. I've tried talking to my daughter, laughed in my face as I cried and asked her not to put the kids in the middle, and I'm worried as she's come this far that she's now in Addiction hospitals built so beautifully Life for her and the kids. Now I see her losing everything, even her sobriety in the short 5 months she's been with him. Oh I forgot to say she's pregnant and it was planned. Early in their relationship, after he moved in, she discovered that he owed money after his new truck was repossessed, and she paid to get it back not long after ditching his truck and dump trailer had been driving and the police impounded the truck and gave it a 3 month suspension from driving for drunk driving, she spoke to me often about how stressful it was and how she was so close to breaking her sobriety... Me was very empathetic to her concerns about how she felt used but didn't I put myself in the middle knowing it had to be her choice but when we were driven off I could blame him and now having a home taken away from ourselves that the grandkids love out in the country with a pool Being disabled after back surgery having an adult DS daughter 1 year. younger than her sister, has now ruined our lives and cost us the homes we have come to love. I'm sorry for babbling, but you needed to understand all the circumstances of our argument. I totally understand her feelings about being in love, but she misses all the red flags... I keep telling her that I love her and will always be there for her... I hope he doesn't break her sobriety, because if she loses the kids again, she won't get them back, and I'm afraid of what that will do to her. Help please, how can I get her to let the kids in our lives without gutting the boyfriend?
  • RS

    My 27 year old son just recently cut us off. It came so suddenly that we didn't see it coming. I was a single mom until my son was 14 years old. I left India with a 3 year old who survived domestic violence at the hands of mentally ill ex and family. Letting go of everything and starting from scratch in Australia. My family shunned me for my choices as it was a disgrace to my culture. I met my husband in Australia 13 years ago. My son and he got along so well. We had a perfect family. My son left university in 2013, we supported him, after paying 30,000 from his own pocket he dropped out. We accepted his choices, worked in a club, met a girlfriend who was with him for 4 years. She warmed to us. My son went back to engineering, started a business and slowly resumed his life when she broke up with him in 2020. Our son was taking it so hard he almost had a nervous breakdown that we took him home. He was a changed man. He was disrespectful to us, everything was business and he wanted me to leave my husband. One day in November he became aggressive and we asked him to leave. He cut us off completely. All venues to contact him, to reach him failed.

    For 27 years, this child was my priority. Every time he screwed up I would hold him and help him, later my husband was a perfect father figure to him. We are so stumped that he had nothing to do with us.

    I am so unable to deal with the sorrow and the pain. effort to cope with it. It was the first time I felt comfortable expressing my feelings in a public forum. I am grateful to have found this site and sad but encouraging that we are fellow travelers during these difficult times. Thank you for your kindness and support

  • guilty

    My two adult children are estranged and it hurts me a lot as they are both headstrong.
  • Jen

    I have a 29 year old daughter, married with a 5 year old child. I miss them both so much. I haven't seen my daughter and granddaughter for about a year Children? That's heartbreaking, that's all because they wanted to move in with me and I said no. I would have said yes if it was just my daughter and granddaughter I don't know why she can't go ahead and stop thinking about it. But it's not her, it's my son-in-law, so he won't let her see me. He destroys relationships He did this to his family. He is very vindictive and controlling, not a nice person at all.

    My mother tried to talk to her but she doesn't listen to her, she misses her too.

    It's very hard to live with this every day, how do you deal with it?

  • Mel

    I have a 23 year old daughter who I haven't seen in 3 years, my 1st born. I feel heartbroken when she says she had a terrible upbringing but my other 3 children disagree but her feelings are valid and I have tried to talk to her and understand where I went wrong butMoreshe won't entertain me. Where do you get help? I'm in the UK
    • How to Manage Alienated Children - Reconcile the parent-child relationship (2)Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

      Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be. There is a resource in the UK that may be able to help:

      I hope it helps. Be sure to check back and let us know how it's going. Watch after.

  • Leslie

    I am estranged from my 28 year old son who has decided my marriage to someone younger is upsetting him so we haven't spoken in about a year he has a 3 year old son so is mine relationship with him now challenging. We were incredibly close until this happenedMorethe loss was devastating. He also stopped speaking to other family members for no reason so I suspect mental illness might be an issue here :(
    • Viktoria

      Dear Leslie,

      The first thing I can say is that your son is perfectly fine. His behavior is not due to a psychological problem as a physical ailment, but to an illness or disturbance in his inner and outer world.

      In group dynamics, we learn that when one member joins or leaves the group, the dynamics of the entire group change immediately. This is how it differs in your son's worlds.

      Your new wife is natural to your work and alien to your son's world, especially if you wanted your son to take these important changes for granted, or even expected your son to lime your new wife.

      If you are caring for your son, write him a letter explaining how important he is to you, that he is irreplaceable, and that you want everyone in the new group to win. Listen to your son's feelings. Don't take him for granted.

      The change in the group also forced your son to drop out of the extended family because his entire family image has changed. Yoy with your new wife is a new element in the group, which is painful for your son.

      Tell him he's important. tell him you love him Tell him that he may be your first priority, that your new wife isn't always your first priority. Please also invite your grandchild to spend time with you. Spend some quality time with your son away from your new wife. Much luck!

  • McRufus

    Personally, I'm tired of the pain. There comes a point when you just have to stop trying. stop hoping. To stop waiting for a call at Christmas. There comes a time when you just have to close the door and move on. I have my grip on the doorknob.
  • Darlene

    I've always had a great relationship with my eldest son. Things started to change after he retired from the army.

    He has PTSD and received counseling and help. However, he wants nothing to do with Menow. We have different ideas about life.

    I hope and pray that one day he will come by. I can only get on with my life. I am very close with my other children and my family.

  • Haley

    i am so depressed My son has disappointed me again and again. Refused to go to school, find a real job etc...moved out in anger about a year ago because I caught him in another lie...Now he doesn't answer my calls or messages andMoreonly gets in touch when he needs money or a favor. Basically to use me. I kept falling for it, he promises to pay me back and never does. He recently moved in with his girlfriend and I have learned that she is the breadwinner and he can barely afford his share of the bills. I just don't know what I did wrong in raising him to develop like this. I don't understand why he's so mad at me either. I raised him as a single mom because his father was deported for criminal activities and wasn't around. I did everything I could for him; raise him alone. But now he could care less about me. I take this really hard. I need advice or help please.
  • Bean

    I have a 28 year old daughter who recently cut ties with me. She has two children, which means she broke off my relationship with my grandchildren. Your father and I have problems in our marriage and it's going downhill for themMorepast 3 years. He threw himself into his work and was a housewife and a housewife, then a housewife. Unfortunately, I turned to medication to deal with my world that was falling apart. This led to me buying drugs from anyone who would sell them to me. My other granddaughter started school last year, so I stayed home alone most of the time. I would keep my grandchildren on weekends occasionally for the past 2 years. I ended up overdosing more than once. The daughter who cut ties with me had come to spend the weekend with the kids and I couldn't keep my eyes from taking too many pills. I guess my daughter had seen enough and wrote me a cruel letter and emailed it to me. It has been months since I have seen or spoken to her or my grandchildren. She only allows my husband to see the children and doesn't come to my house when I'm here. I have to go away for the weekend about once a month so that she can come and spend the weekend with her father. I've done 45 days in an out of state rehab and I'm doing much better. But she still refuses to have anything to do with me. I have been a stay-at-home mom to my children their entire lives. My husband was traveling for business and was away all the time for over 2 weeks while my kids were growing up. It was always just me and my 3 girls. I have done everything for her. She is my youngest and she and I have always been so close, but until about 7 months ago. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed some more. What can I do and how can I repair our relationship? She acts like she absolutely hates me, you know. She, as well as my other two girls, have always been so close to me. Now that my husband and I are divorcing it's like they're just looking for anything I do so they can sit and just humiliate each other. My other daughter said she doesn't like being around her when they're together because they keep badmouthing me. I'm so lost and so broken.
  • confused

    Where can you find a group to deal with the pain of losing your adult child? My daughter moved out of state years ago but has kept family in her life via phone and text messages. Until she lost her job and needed help. Unfortunately I give herMoresome money... but eventually she asked for more and more. When I couldn't give anymore and finally said no... she took me out of her life. I have a steady income and she now has a well-paying job.
  • David

    After reading many of these articles, I am convinced that most of us here have been really good parents. I think many of the offspring in our lives are mentally ill in some way.
  • Neciebugs

    Two of my adult children have me 100% on the block. One of them is my daughter, who left my grandson with his father during the pandemic... not on purpose at first, just to get back on his feet financially. She did. And he wouldn't let my grandson go back with her. She was intimidated, but apparently her new boyfriend didn't want him. After all, she wanted to move home when she was 25. I said fine, but she had to abide by the house rules. New boyfriend has found her guilty of moving out of state. I haven't heard from her since then. Neither did my grandson's father. I have no contact with her. I text her weekly. My ex-husband, an abusive angry man I've reached out to in desperation, gas fired at me and said yes she keeps in touch with him because she loves him and doesn't trust me. At least I know she's okay.

    My other child left because I didn't want to allow politics to be discussed in my home. He was so radical in his beliefs that it frightened me. He disappeared without a trace last October. Again, my ex-husband says the same thing... You won't hear from him.

    My youngest (22) is disabled. I am not abusive. I basically raised her with my significant other. During the breakup and divorce from my ex YEARS ago he forgot to pick her up, pay alimony etc. They saw him hit me around etc. They more than met their needs. I've created a successful career, a stable home, the best I could...

    I was hard on my daughter when she had my grandson because there were a lot of lies and she made some really bad decisions. When I found her working in a disreputable house, I forbade her but allowed her to live freely with me... but she packed up and went to her fathers. (He has since moved to another state as well). Every time I tried to enforce the house rules, she would run to Daddy. That was always a pattern with her.

    My son... dunno, he was fine. No arguments other than not wanting to discuss politics so we can respect each other without confrontation.

    I suspect my ex-husband is involved, but it still hurts me a lot. i miss my kids I am ultimately alone now apart from my significant other and my youngest son. my parents are gone I don't have extended family around.

    You clearly hate me for some reason. If I knew why, maybe I could understand. But I don't.

    My youngest is flying to his dad in a few months and I fear more than anything that he won't be coming back either.

  • Kim

    I stumbled across this article while looking for ideas on what to do for estranged daughters this Christmas. Although I'm so sorry that many people are going through the same thing as I am, I would be lying if I didn't say it for comfortMorethe fact that I'm not alone. Are there reputable online support groups? I remarried 2 years ago after divorcing her father 13 years ago. I need to speak to people dealing with the problem.
    • Miamella

      Kim – I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's really heartbreaking as I'm dealing with this too. Have you been able to find reputable online support groups? I think I need one too.
  • Cmichi

    I lost my 55 year old husband in April 2021, have two sons who don't speak to me and have treated me horribly and it breaks my heart. I'm not sure how to deal with all of this
    • How to Manage Alienated Children - Reconcile the parent-child relationship (3)Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

      I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how devastating that must be. especially without the support of your children. It can be helpful to see what types of support are available locally. If you are in the United States or Canada, the 211 National Helpline is a nationwide referral service that is available 24/7. They can give you information about the types of support services that are available in your area, such as B. Counselors, therapists, support groups/relative services, as well as various other resources. You can reach the helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging on to ( in Canada).

      We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best in the future. Watch after.

  • pain

    So my daughter and I were close until she saw a therapist. Then, on my birthday, after dinner, she started hitting on me. Told me she feels like I've never cared about her feelings in 24 years. I was shocked. I put them in front of everyone. Your stepfather and IMoreI always argued that I did too much for her and didn't let him discipline me. I got defensive and asked what I could do to fix things. She told me I can't. She got some facts wrong and I tried to tell her that. She said she couldn't remember those conversations, so they didn't happen. But they did. I got defensive when she said I would set her on fire, a narcissist and passive aggressive. She kicked me out of her house and hasn't spoken to me since. 4 months ago. I tried to say I'm sorry about everything and what can I do to help but she doesn't answer my calls or texts. She is 32 and married. I still store all her childhood stuff and pay her cell phone bill which is $100 a month. I hardly have any food in the house, but I'll pay for it. I'm about to have major surgery and I'd like to see it beforehand. How do I just stop being a mom? I have no other family and she was my world. It hurts worse than losing my mom, my husband, my dad, three friends in a car accident, losing my house and my job. It's devastating. What can I do?
    • Donna

      I stumbled across this site while looking for anything about why kids cut their parents out of their lives (to be honest - give up) and I feel so lucky. My 70 year old husband (I'm 65) and I are distraught after receiving her first text message since June. It's hard to describe how this happened because it's so incredible. Sara is 39. Her father and I got married together with 3 little boys (me-1, he-3). We couldn't wait to have Sara. Because she is a girl and 7 years after the last child, she has a lot of special "everything". As it grew, so did our financial stability and prosperity. She benefited from that 80% more than her 3 half brothers in almost every way. She was our little girl. We really tried hard to compensate by being very loving grandparents to all of our grandchildren. So there is.

      In June my husband had a small stroke. It was time to approach one of the children. No.1's mother told him that this wasn't his father 🙄 so we broke up for good 10 years ago. #2 (same mother as ⬆️) said come here I have a whole tribe ready and want to help "you will 💕. #3 My son dumped us last Mother's Day. I have NO idea why. 🙁 #4 Sara said you need to come here and buy a condo. 😑.

      When we told Sara we were moving to her brother's area (half the distance to visit her) she got so angry. So ugly. I blocked them. not her father. Today we get the text where she calls me by my first name and says she's cutting ties because we've been so toxic to her her entire life. Destructive. But finally. I guess.

    • How to Manage Alienated Children - Reconcile the parent-child relationship (4)Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

      I am very sorry that you have become estranged from your daughter. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. It can be helpful to see what types of local support are available to help you through this very difficult time. If you are located in the United States or Canada, the 211 National Helpline is a nationwide referral service available 24 hours a day. They can give you information about the types of support services that are available in your area, such as B. Counselors, therapists, support groups/relative services, as well as various other resources. You can reach the helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging on to ( in Canada).

      We appreciate you sharing your story and wish you all the best for the future. Watch after.

  • terry cloth

    my ED talks about her therapist and how she's learning about "boundaries...and why I need to respect them.


    Where were those lines when she announced that she and BoyFriend would be moving in with us? Where were the limits when they needed money or constantly borrowing our car?

  • Twyla

    Our daughter has been estranged for several years. I emailed her several times. She finally replied and told us that she wanted nothing more to do with us. We must not recognize her when we see her, even at family gatherings, or she will call the authorities! I knowMoreI've made mistakes as a parent and I blame myself. I am devastated by this.
  • Karrie

    Just found out where my adult son lives now after leaving town over 5 years ago. I sent him a quick apology letter, but I'm not sure if I hit the mark. But he accepted the Amazon e-gift card for his birthday that I sent himMorewhich made me feel like at least he wasn't ignoring me. I also sent him a short message, I hope you are well and always love him. I'm not sure if he opened it. What now?
  • Elisabeth

    My 25-year-old daughter interrupted me. We haven't spoken to each other since December 2020. Before interrupting me, she told me she didn't want me to call, just text. Then she interrupted her brother and told him she didn'tMorewant to speak to him again. Then Thanksgiving and then Christmas passed without a word from her (not even Merry Christmas). I sent her a Christmas card with money but never heard a beep. Then I sent her a message asking her to help me understand what is happening as I feel a distance between us. She texts me back and says things she's never said to me before like I'm a narcissist, manipulator, toxic parent and bad for her mental health. My ex husband and I divorced over 10 years ago and he separated from all his children because they didn't like his new girlfriend who he ended up marrying. I was both a mother and father to my children and did my best to raise them as a single parent. I've always told my kids I love them and always made sure they have what they need. There is no textbook on how to raise my children, but I have always been there for them when they needed me to grow up. Before she turned me off, she was having panic attacks and was trying to help her get her health insurance back so she could get her medication for her anxiety back. Her boyfriend texts me and says they don't want me to come. She made him text me instead of her texting me. I felt very hurt. I feel very sad and depressed. Keep asking what I could have done differently and blaming me for not knowing what I did wrong. i am very broken It was particularly tough on her birthday in August. When I hear other stories, I feel like I'm not alone. Sometimes it's so hard because I don't have anyone to talk to.
    • Denise

      Elizabeth; I feel your pain because I feel the same pain too. My son Michael separated me last December 2020. He is 30 years old. I have thought of the holidays with much sadness; but I'm trying to cope that they won't be the same.MoreI'm depressed about this too. I have never had such feelings and have never been in such a situation. My son removed me on all platforms. I can go on and on. This is extremely painful and, in my opinion, toxic. The article I just read here is very helpful. I will read it again. & again.
  • sad mom

    Thank you for this article. I never thought that one of my children would not want to speak to me again and I am so heartbroken. I gave everything to my children, even at my own expense, because I always wanted the best for them. This article reallyMorehelps me understand what my daughter is going through and how to deal with when and if she decides to come back into our lives. In the meantime I will miss her!
  • Anna Kate

    What a great article! Finally one that makes sense.
    • Denise

      I agree with AnnaKate.
  • Twyla

    I never thought this would happen to me. My 40-year-old daughter had been estranged from time to time, but this time it could be forever. I've tried to be the parent I wished I could be; apparently I failed. I go from feeling bad to just wanting to give upMoreour relationship.
    • Donna

      My last child (39) and my only daughter spoke up for us on Mother's Day. We did our best, but somehow it wasn't enough. I go from sad to angry, mostly angry.
    • Denise

      Twyla; I felt like giving up too; it is so painful to live with this thought; it's something that never gets out of my head. My son has instructed me that he does not want any communication from me. The article I just read here makes me understand more about itMorewhat's happening. I even find it difficult to write about it.
      • Twyla

        I hear you. I think about my daughter all day every day and wish I could fix this situation. I wrote her a heartfelt email but she claims not to have read it. She has since closed her email so I'm cut off. Now she says she will include themMoreAuthorities, if I speak to them, even at family celebrations! I don't know who she is anymore. Take care.
  • mom sad

    I am so sad to read that there are so many heartbroken parents out there feeling the same loss as I do. I wasn't a perfect parent and I did things wrong at times. I relied too much on my children when my marriage ended. But I said I'm sorryMoreand over. Yet my children seem unable to forgive and feel such deep resentment and anger. you cut me out I love them so much, they are my family but they have no interest in me or my life. I try to stop myself from calling because it hurts when they don't return my calls. I send little messages to say hello, but they don't reply often. This is the most painful experience. I'm trying to find a support group to help me with this. I live in New Zealand.
    • Heartbroken Mom

      Mum sad I live in New Zealand and am trying to find a support group while going through what everyone is going through here.
    • Broken

      I'm also sad to hear these stories that are so similar to mine. My daughter, who was once so close to me, has excluded me from her life and is appearing permanently. She gradually withdrew when she met a girl who convinced her that she was an expert in psychotherapy and after meMoreDaughter started getting therapy. She started talking about boundaries, which meant not calling or texting her. I felt that too and said if I did anything to her, I'm so sorry. No matter how many times I try to make amends (for what I don't know), she says she won't speak to me. I also went through a very tough divorce when she was in high school. I am heartbroken that she cannot understand the depth of a mother's love. Also I gave her everything she needed and way more than my other older 2 kids. I was there for her through college, her first job, and all her hard times. I helped her decide where and how to get into grad school, helped her stay motivated when she wanted to quit. And now since meeting this person, she has pushed me away. I think about her every day, some days all day. I would feed her when I was starving after her father left. How could my sweet child change so much and not acknowledge my love. I stood by my father when he broke his neck at age 55 and helped my mother make ends meet and continue to help my mother to this day. My whole family is broken and I don't know where to turn, what to say, or what to try anymore. This started in 2018 and I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. The stories are all so sad. I'm near Boston, MA.
      • Donna

        Your story is just like mine. We can't all have been "bad" parents.
    • Denise

      dear mom sad; read your comment; I'm crying now. I wish we lived closer, we could be in a support group together. I'm in San Francisco, California, USA • It's not okay for me not to forgive. I have a mother who wasMoreso poisonous to me; I never cut them off. She's family... although maybe I should have. Listen to this; what I just said; This gives me a better understanding of how difficult these issues can be. • I just always think there is a way to make things better. instead of stopping to talk. I apologized to my children; but can't be enough for this son.
    • Polly

      I am sorry. It's terrible, but you're not alone. There's a book "Outsided By Your Grown Children?"

      It saved my sanity. Keep reading, keep loving you.

      • Donna

        I saw this and will get it for my husband and I. Thanks.
      • Denise

        Separated from your adult children. Ok, I'm looking at Amazon right now.
  • Kiwi

    My 26-year-old daughter has been distant with me since she met her boyfriend almost a year ago. She only connected with me on special occasions. She had surgery a month ago and when I call her she doesn't pick up. Replies only when I write. Says she's not feeling well, but doesn't always reply to my texts. Could someone give me some advice?

    I can't sleep at night and feel very down because she is distancing herself from me.

    • Kiwi2

      Hello, my heart goes out to you. I'm in a similar situation. I have two daughters and since the end of my marriage they have slowly retired. I used to be very close to them, but I think the sadness of the loss has taken hold of them. They rarely talkMoreor communicate. Sometimes it feels like it's meant to be. Refusing to answer my calls, just being "polite" but never expressing affection or love. It's heartbreaking.
  • Desire

    My husband and I have been married for 27 years and our 22 year old son (our only child) told us 8 months ago that he was dealing with extreme anxiety and no longer wanted us to call him and just text him . The only time we saw himMore(3 times) is when he had no choice but to see us (IE, needed help moving, needed a ride, etc.). He always texts me that he loves me when we text. He recently said that he has to work through everything before he can speak to us. He said it's something his dad and I did. We've always been a close family. We supported him in all his life decisions. Up until 8 months ago we always had so much fun. We are shocked. He has a friend who has a very unhealthy relationship with her parents and we often wonder if she is one of the reasons for this situation, but I will never ask him or say that for fear it will just be another blow will be against us . He told me just a year ago that he was so grateful for his upbringing because he didn't have any trauma or drama to deal with. Now we have that. He does everything NOT to see us. It was incredibly hurtful. I told him I was heartbroken that we can't fix what we don't know and that we're willing to sit at the table and listen and do whatever it takes to fix it. There are times when I'm so extremely low. I'm getting scary low I hate that someone else is feeling the same pain, but reading all the comments I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. We just can't figure out what this is all about. He's a senior in college, has a guaranteed job after graduating in computer science (his summer internship led to the job). My biggest fear is that this will continue through to closure, he will move (his job is remote) and we will never get the chance to sort this out. It feels like death, honestly. My husband and my relationship are strong and I don't think I would be able to get through this without him and my mother-in-law. I don't think I could really do it without her. I pray all the time and I've been trying to just give it to God because there's nothing I can do but stretch out. My heart breaks for him that he feels something so bad he can't face us. Sometimes I also get so angry and hurt that I can't sleep, eat or function. I don't know whether to keep hoping or preparing to mourn the loss of our son. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I have never lost anyone close to me at this point in my life, even through death. This pain is terrible. I am so sorry for everyone who is feeling this pain.
    • Denise

      Noras, I feel exactly the same as you just described here. This is the worst thing that has happened to me and even in death I have not lost anyone close to me. This feels like a death • it's so exhausting it's hard to even talk about it. They areMorenot alone. I need a support group just don't know where the relief in a situation like this can come from.
    • Delia

      Your story sounds just like mine. My son hasn't spoken to me in almost 3 years. I don't understand at all. His dad and I are divorced and I'm still single, so that really doesn't help when I'm feeling down. I have another son who i am very muchMorenear. He also fights with his brother. And my mother. My son doesn't even talk to her anymore. This makes me so angry. She sends him money for the vacation and he doesn't even say thank you. I struggle so much between crippling grief, sadness and anger. It's so terrible. I wish you the best.
  • sad mother

    It's good to read the other comments here - I don't feel so alone in my misery. My young adult son rejected me completely. We had a close relationship growing up and there was never a fight between us. It is inexplicable and very painful. In spite ofMoreFrom what this article says, my gut tells me it would be a mistake to continue reporting me. It was his birthday last month and he never acknowledged the gifts I sent, but surprisingly he agreed to meet for lunch just to purposely cheer me up. I cried for days. I haven't seen him for 3 years and I'm slowly realizing that although I was a good and loving mother to him, I'm gone forever from his life. My daughter (his sister) has rarely seen him since he cut ties with me, but he seems to be rejecting her now too. My head is telling me to let him go and move on, but my heart is broken into a thousand pieces. I have no idea why he rejects me as he never said anything negative about any aspect of his childhood - but his actions speak louder than his words ever could. I tell myself where there is life there is hope, but I also think that it would be better to give up hope because it prevents me from accepting the loss and letting it go. It's an open wound that doesn't seem to heal.
    • Denise

      Open wound . If I think about it all the time I become a vegetable, so down and depressed. I am not busy in my life now; So it's hard not to think about it. It's just the most messed up thing I can imagine.MoreNothing beats your family. I'm so hurt / & so hurt for his pain. HELP someone, help me!
      • Twyla

        I agree with you. I have a daughter and I am "hurt for her injury". I've tried to be a loving, supportive mother and it kills me that she feels let down by me enough to choose to stay away. I want her to be happy, but she isMoreangry instead.
  • Sandra Sanwin

    I have an only son. He's 43. I'm 73. He stopped contacting me because I'm having a hard time accepting the woman he left his wife and 2 kids for. It breaks my heart
    • Andreas - June 2022

      I would say that you are right not to accept his decision to leave his family. I was once told that infidelity is akin to death — meaning that when your son chose to be unfaithful to his wife and two children, he ended that relationship, which in turn forces you to choose how You want to continue your relationship with your son and his ex-wife and two children (your grandchildren).

      I would set strong boundaries in your relationship with your son while trying to maintain a healthy, supportive relationship with your grandchildren and their mother.

  • Inpaintothecore

    I am so thankful to have found this site. My story :

    I have a 30 year old daughter who has slowly become estranged. I believe I have been loving and supportive her entire life and have sought answers as to why this is happening. She admitted to being gay a few years ago. I thought that caused the previous distancing on her part. Maybe I was trying too hard to keep us close. She floated slowly. Most recently, she admitted to having a drinking problem. I was supportive again and tried to stay close. She rarely opens up as much as I try. I've cried, screamed, hugged her, attended meetings, nothing seems to work. She says she needs boundaries from me but won't explain what I did. I am so heartbroken about this. She was my gift, I was told my chances of getting pregnant by my (2nd) husband were slim to zero. I was incredibly excited when I had a daughter. I absolutely cannot understand her behavior. I come from a very close-knit Italian family and they have become strangers to them. It seems that she cares more about her friends and colleagues.

    • Broken

      This is a very similar story to mine with my daughter. I am and always have been a very Catholic Irish family. A few years ago she told me that she was gay and that she was slowly moving away from it. To the point where now she doesn't speak to me anymoreMoreat all. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas hasn't been for 2 1/2 years. My heart bleeds every day
    • David

      I was looking for a comment like this. Your story is so similar to mine. I had a daughter who switched to a man. The whole process started around the age of 12. At first I thought she was a lesbian, but it just went from thereMoreon. I felt like I was very understanding throughout the process. Of course it definitely wasn't easy, but I tried my best to understand it. I think I've always been a very understanding parent and very encouraging. If I have one fault, it's that I feel like I've been too lenient with my kids in terms of discipline. I just wanted them to be happy all the time and their childhood was filled with fun times, holidays and me always by their side. My friends and family tell me that I was the best father they have ever known. Even when my daughter at the time was confused about her gender and was taking every drug known to the man and drinking heavily, I still tried to support her and I wanted to be a safe place for her to fall. Just last year he decided to cut me out of his life. It came on suddenly and I really don't know why. I've heard more than one reason from him from family members, and they change all the time. I also feel like he's dating someone who is very damaged and they could be a very negative influence on him. I've dealt with it in what I think is the healthiest way. I wanted to share this with you because it seems to be working. First and foremost, I release all guilt. No parent is perfect and like I said I think I was just being too gentle with my kids but other than that I honestly don't think I did anything wrong. I lived for my children. I spent all my free time with them and loved them unconditionally. So I'm happy with that. Second, I recently decided that he is now an adult and can fly on his own. I have my own life and I live it to the max. I console myself with the joy I had with all my children as they grew up. The times we went to parks, the sports we played in the backyard, watched their dance performances and sports games, the wonderful vacations and just the fun we had in and around the house for years. Nobody can take that away from me or them. I also believe that time will heal these wounds and he will eventually get back to me. One thing I will never do is burn any bridges. I will always be supportive and not play the blame game. He's still young and he's allowed to play this game if he wants, but I won't go there. I'll be ready for the prodigal son when he's ready to come back. I am content with all of this.
      • Broken

        I too was very understanding when she told me she was gay. She definitely seems to be trying to find her true self and she could be happy with this person. Although she told me she didn't know if they had enough in common to be married. my daughter isMoreso healthy and sporty and active. And this person, none of those things, has been estranged from her biological mother for years and she is inactive and engaged in psychotherapy/mental health. She changed my daughter and I don't even know her anymore. It scares me to the bone.
  • stop

    My feelings don't even count here. I am so hurt and offended by my son's estrangement that it's not even funny. He calls his father, gives him birthday presents. He and his wife are trying to get my granddaughter to just say grandpa and not beMoreinterest in grandma. Pain. nope That emotion doesn't even come close. Nice article, but I'm not referring to it at all. Anger doesn't even cut it anymore. I have given up and will never continue in a relationship with my son. I'm done.
    • Denise

      - I understand how you feel. It's not OK. That's not how things are handled. The healthy way is to SPEAK it through.. seems like a new trend? & be accepted?
      • Broken

        So true.
  • permanent trauma

    2021-07-19 is it still possible to know if I am posting comments on a page that has been visited recently or is 5 years old? I see Shelley, Hope and Carole... or anyone else. There is a Ms. Grace who says, "Hurt hurting souls with broken hearts need validation and comfort from others who have walked the same path..." that I'd like to share.

    I agree with many who mention that the topic is taboo and that support groups are rare. I'm here even though English is a second language for me because I haven't seen a single site in French where mothers can say what is being said here.

    I have been estranged from my 52 year old daughter for 10 years. For 43 years we hit it off, vacationed together, I helped her through all the major steps in life including college, buying a house at 30 etc. Motherless at 7 with a total childhood neglect, I respected the pattern not to repeat. I thought, and a few others did too, that I had done a pretty good job until :

    I'm the one fleeing verbal abuse, aggressiveness, and the roller coaster ride of a toxic relationship she's clinging to. She called me like I was going to kill myself, made me go day and night until I was sick with worry, frustration, powerlessness, rejection. Three days later she would go to a party with the man. I felt like I was the crutch that helped her say with a man that any decent family would be ashamed or afraid to have her in the family. But she insisted on calling him "the only love of my life." A few months after I announced that I didn't want to be called for help in these couple dramas, she started being very rude, very money oriented and very verbally abusive when she decided to stay with him (not even married) . "Mind your own business" was her usual response to "How are you?" become. ». Trying to tell her she needed serious professional help was the worst insult I could utter. She kicked him out a couple of times, only to bring him back a few weeks later and continue to deepen the damage.

    I have openly told my daughter that I don't want to see her anymore unless she comes up with a version of the crisis that doesn't portray me as the source of all her suffering and that there have been some events and words that after a other types require treatment other than "sweeping under the rug". So I'm openly the perpetrator, the one who closed the door, and she's the victim who doesn't understand why. It hurts a lot every day but the few times she calls, once every 2 years, at midnight and for 3 hours, it's to tell me that she doesn't read what I write to her and that she doesn't understands...which I made more than clear. If at 52 she doesn't have the maturity, the emotional intelligence, the bare minimum of respect or gratitude for a mother who gave all she could, it's hopeless and I know it all too well. Some notions of love and freedom that include the right to abuse and harm need to be seriously examined. This is a very brief version of events, the clearest I can write about the essence of the situation. I still have a small family, a sister I love, almost 80 years old, in good health and sitting on a kind of neutrality that is a bit challenging on my nerves. She definitely prefers not to hear about the story.

  • Shelly

    How is a mother when her two children cut her off? (Due to partial truths distorted by another family member). It has now been over 6 years since I last spoke to and saw my children. I wasn't perfect, but I was totally dedicatedMoreto my two children - until I too died most of all from an operation that left me in chronic pain. I was the best mom until I wasn't anymore. I realize there is more to this story - I own parts that are mine - but what do I do when other family members (grandparents (my parents), aunts and uncles (my sisters) are telling untruths to my adult children and for distance). encourage "My husband (dad) and I don't even know where my kids live. Other than a hurtful email from each kid in the last 6 1/2 years we haven't had any contact. I can't breathe I'm in so much emotional pain . It's debilitating. I can't go on with this. I don't want to. How are you - anyone? My son is now 30 and my daughter is 28. They are both in relationships (that I know of). Engagements, marriage and babies. I will miss everything - especially any kind of relationship with 2 of the most important people in my life I have dedicated my life to my children how can they believe so many lies?
    • Broken

      I think children have their own perceptions and memories which, no matter how distorted, are their own and there is nothing we can do about it. I just don't understand when I say I'm sorry (which I'm not sure about) they can't accept your sincere apologies and move on like adults.MoreIf I held a grudge for everything my parents did/didn't do, I would have been crushed under that weight. I always forgave and moved on. That anger/hate... they carry will do a lot of damage over time I believe.
    • Greetings to all

      I'm so sorry...I'm also sorry because Christmas is coming and one of me lives far away and the other pretends we don't exist. We've dedicated our lives and we're getting this... it's shameful...
  • Hope

    Alli, thanks for your comment, it made me see things a little differently. It is difficult to see or find life without my son and granddaughter. My whole life has been focused on being a wife and mother. I failed in marriage, my goodnessMoreMy husband had an affair and left, still not sure exactly what I did or didn't do and now for the third time my son has decided to cut me out of his life. I'm pretty sure he won't come back this time and I think that's fine as long as he's happy I guess. I've thought a lot about parents whose child has died and how the pain of it all must stay with them forever. The difference here is the pain of knowing that a child you gave birth to, loved unconditionally and cared for has chosen to reject you. I'm not sure if it comforts me to know that there are so many parents who are struggling. What a world! What a life! Keep it up and thank you
  • Carol

    I am a single mother and grandma who divorced the father of my two children 20 years ago. My son came back into my life 2 years ago after being out of my life for 5 years. My daughter and he have been estranged for 10 years and she refusesMorenothing to do with her brother. In her words, "he's dead to me". She has since married 7 years ago and they have my 2 beautiful grandchildren who I have moved 200 miles to be closer to them. I was very close to my little granddaughter who is now 4 and my little grandson who is 1 year old. For 2 years I have suffered emotional abuse and blackmail from my daughter and her husband for seeing my son once a week. I tried to avoid going to their house because it got "ugly" very quickly and they started attacking me again. For health reasons I didn't want to visit her at home as I wanted to avoid the stress. I have suffered from anxiety attacks, headaches and body aches, and chronic insomnia throughout this time. I have no one to talk to about this and I am too ashamed of my daughter to talk to my friends or family about it. My daughter's latest strategy is silent treatment and I haven't seen my grandchildren for several weeks. I tried to contact my daughter and asked if we could talk alone (her husband seems to join her when my daughter criticizes me). She said she would come over but didn't. Instead, she has banned me from seeing photos of my grandchildren, which means she's cutting me out of her life. I am utterly bereft and heartbroken. My son and daughter used to be incredibly close and supportive of each other. It makes me incredibly sad. Her husband's family is huge, but my two are all I have. I told her we love her and will always be there for her but that's all I can do. It's very difficult, but I have to look to my future now and try to enjoy the years that I have left. I have spent 40 years loving, caring for, supporting and financing my children. What was it about?
    • Broken

      I feel the same way and have the same madness between my kids. So stressful that I had to quit work and retire earlier than planned. My health has deteriorated and I have trouble sleeping. Learning to take care of yourself after putting your kids first for so manyMoreyears is so hard.
  • Lisa

    My daughter is almost 32 and recently cut me out of her life because she's tired of our rollercoaster relationship. Basically, she blames me for our problems. I know I have been critical and judgmental because of what I perceive to be poor and irresponsible decisions that she madeMoredid. But she lies to me and ignores me until she needs money. Then she acts so sweet and caring. I, in turn, react angrily. Our relationship has been toxic for me for a very long time and I hate to admit it, but she's right, we need a break from each other. The thought of not seeing her breaks my heart and I pray that one day we can have a better relationship.
  • momof3

    I came across this site after my middle child and only daughter with my only grandchild cut me off for the second time now. It is heartbreaking to read these comments and I read them all. My grandson's birthday is in July. He turns two. I knew someMoreMonths ago she was preparing to expel me again. I'm not sure what I did for this child that would just erase me from her life and her son's. My boys and I have great relationships. Although I'm struggling with a lot of depression this time, I'm not mad at her and I'm prepared that this time will be protracted. Honestly, this is all so incredibly trivial and I know there's no way I can be a bad mom to my middle child when my eldest and youngest have a great relationship with me. It's absolutely amazing what this kid is going through as it doesn't really function on an adult level. Although I've spent the past few weeks sleeping too much and struggling with some depressive issues, I'm not. I'm pretty sure their marriage is a mess and I'm just the punching bag. However, I will acknowledge the fact that staying 26 years in a marriage to her emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive father has not taught her how a woman should be treated in a relationship. I wish things were different, but it's out of my control. I have no voice with her and no choice. I chased her last time and had to do it through her father who I can't stand. I won't do it again. I'm nobody's doormat. I gave everything for my children to be valuable adults. This isn't about me, this is about her inability to take control of her life.
  • More-Pops

    I am confused by this article too. I helped my son buy his first house, he was doing fine, then he didn't get the promotion he was hoping for. Then he fell out with a brother and said he didn't want to speak to him. I told him as an adultMoreI would respect his opinion and asked how I could help. He basically told me to tell his brother. I felt I could mediate and support, but that wasn't enough for him. He's gone and I'm worried about his mental state. He doesn't want contact. Just a week later I texted him for his 30th birthday and N is now preparing to stay away as long as he feels it's for the best for him, sad as that makes me. My concern is that I think he had thoughts about assault. I hear what the grown kids are saying here, and their feelings matter more than mine (it's agony, by the way). But please tell me how to reconcile that with his safety.
  • sad father

    My wife is bipolar, we've been married for 49 years. Our daughter came out of the closet after the divorce and her 2 sons our grandchildren moved in with her father after our daughter married a drunk who abused her. My daughter, for whom I gave up my careerMoreIn order for her to be Head Girl at her high school and get a Bsc(Hon) degree, she cut her mother and me completely out of her life. Our daughter is in Africa, we moved to the UK in our final years. I'm afraid I'll die without reconciling with my daughter. My grandchildren want nothing to do with their mother and want to stay in touch with us. One at uni and the other hoping to go there next year. I guess we have to be thankful that our grandchildren love us, but when I think back to the happy times my wife and I shared with our daughter, despite being bipolar, I'm a very sad old man!
    • Polly

      I'm so sorry, sad dad. Read everything you can about alienation. Forgive yourself. Hold on to the good. Let the bad go and take the pain with it. You're not alone.
  • news

    When your child is empathetic, they are often in a relationship with a very controlling, manipulative, and lying person. This type of person often turns their partner against family and friends in order to isolate and further abuse them. They basically brainwash them and weaken their ability to fight for themselves through tactics like gaslighting.

    This seems to be the case with my daughter, my only child. She met her husband in college and hasn't been the same since. She was kind and very encouraging to friends and family. She would light up a room. She and I got along well and she called me and told me what was going on in her life. More and more overtime she complained about everyone, stopped visiting friends and snapped at me for trifles. This increased more and more over about 5 years and all the time I could see her friend stirring the pot and planting seeds. He said he was a terror as a kid, he said he doesn't like people, he "can't" cry and I can tell he has a lot of anger inside him. (You know what that all describes.) I've witnessed the gaslighting and the lying. He lies to me without a conscience. I think my daughter walks around it like she's on eggshells and so does her 3 year old son. i hate it for her He seems to have confused and scared her and I can't just hug her. She rarely calls or visits them.

    I think it's true that it's best to pray for their peace and safety and take care of yourself. If you believe in a higher power, then you should trust your prayers. (I keep telling myself that.)

    • Broken

      Yes I do. I pray and trust miracles to happen every day! keep the faith
    • J Wort

      That sounds like a mirror of my current situation. My son and I had a great relationship until he met his now wife. She did all the things your daughters did SO and now my son is completely touchless. They even went so far as to tryMoreto get an injunction against me. Luckily the judge realized they were trying to use the court system as a means of punishment and denied the order but it still hurts and I'm not contacting them anyway because that's what they want. I don't know how to deal with the loss. It's like I'm grieving. It's hard to read the foul smear campaigns and lies they spread and know that there's just nothing I can do to defend myself or, more specifically, reconcile and understand why they're doing all of this in the first place. It's only been a few months since I've been out of touch and it's a miracle when I can go a day without crying because I no longer have him in my life.
  • Jodi

    I was estranged from my abusive and alcoholic mother until her death. I have raised two wonderful sons with no problems in sight - I never thought that one day I would be here seeking advice. My eldest is 22 now and think we are estranged now too. This article is probably spot on when it comes to entanglements and his inability to manage his emotions. I am very angry and hurt by his behavior and my own upbringing makes me want to back down and keep that door closed while I cry on the other side. I sacrificed everything for him, especially for him, and he takes and takes and takes. Having a partner who helped me see this clearly helps, but it certainly doesn't help the pain of not hearing from your firstborn.

    As for giving gifts or small notes, if you visit the subreddit for kids who cut off their parents, they despise their parents for continuing to reach out. So, either they lie on their posts and secretly like it, or it's not a good move.

    I haven't showered in 7 straight days and am having horrible dreams all to do with him being in danger. I think it's time for me to go into therapy. Not to mention my partner has no idea what to say or help me.

  • Rick Z

    For some parents of alienated adult children, connecting with the alienated child is the right thing to do. But there are others like my wife and I who have been given an ultimatum not to attempt under any circumstances to contact our son and his wife. They have threatened to sue us for harassment if we ever try to contact them. My son was nothing but trouble in his teenage years. We spent a fortune on lawyers, counselors, psychiatrists, but to no avail. I had to throw him out of the house because he was a threat. Eventually, at the age of 20, he came to his senses and married a woman twice his age with 2 grown children.

    At some point they were destitute and we took them in to help them. They ended up staying for 2 years. We basically paid for everything.

    We have used up all of our life savings and have been financially wiped out. After getting their own apartment, they both started accusing my wife of doing all sorts of horrible things to them and addressed her in disgusting ways.

    My son said he still wanted a relationship with me. I told him that his mother and I are a team. If you wanted to break up with her, then you have to break up with me. That was 5 years ago. There was another nasty call attacking my wife and I hung up. His behavior didn't surprise me in the least. There are only some people who are bad seeds. Some people are hateful people. Some people are evil. Ever since my son was a teenager, I knew he was a bad person. Mom took a lot longer to cut the apron strings. After what you did to my wife, I have absolutely no affection for my son. I have nothing but scorn and contempt for him and his wife. Since they do not want any contact, we comply with their demands. Luckily, my wife has recovered from the trauma.

    I know that might sound awful to some people. But I have ZERO love for my child.

    I wish him no harm. I practice compassion meditation to ease my resentment. At least I've learned not to have guilt or regret.

    But I don't respect him, I don't like him and I certainly don't love him. And I totally agree with that. And I think if there's no chance of reconciliation, it's okay to stop trying and move on with your life. It's okay to reject the societal expectation of never giving up. Not every child is worth it. When it's done, it's done. Don't feel shame or guilt if you don't love your child. It is more important to love yourself and your partner.

    • David

      thanks for your story I can relate to some extent. Some people really are "bad seeds". I had an incredible relationship with my daughter until she was 12 and then she turned into a demon. She is now 25 years old and cut me out of herMorelife last year. As far as I'm concerned, she did me a favor. I wouldn't wish the turmoil she caused in our home during her teenage years. I myself am completely at peace today while she tells everyone horrible lies that I was a bad father and so on. She had the best father in the world. My friends and family know that. It's not my fault at all. I'm just realizing, like you, that I had a child with "bad seeds".
    • Polly

      Many Thanks. Big, deep breath.
  • Jacob

    After going down a wormhole to look for possible causes, our 19-year-old son left home and made no effort to keep in touch. I relived some of the story about Joe. It is so clear that every child handles life differently. I spoke to my wife about the timeMoreHis grades slipped below high school passing and we sat down and chatted with him, reaffirming that all he had to do was pass. something he was very capable of. I remember that one night he lost his nerve because of all the pressure he was under and I was surprised. We didn't think asking him to pass his high school basics was a massive request. He graduated from high school and we were happy for him. then came the next problem! what should he do with his life. We tried to encourage him to motivate himself in high school to get a part-time job, but it was really difficult. Same as getting your driver's license. we didn't want him to sit in his room playing video games all day... He ended up taking a cooking apprenticeship and left home at my wife's urging to gain some independence. We see him on birthdays and Christmas, but other than that he doesn't try at all. He came out when he was 16 and said he was gay, we're progressive and quite accepting of that. When researched it almost always pointed to some form of abuse, well that's not the case at all. Was the pressure to contribute to societal norms (profession, independence, etc.) too great in this case? I politely asked him to call his mother but he couldn't bother to do so and it hurts me.
  • Cyndy

    So many comments resonate. I just don't know how to think "less" about my daughter and her family and still find support. I'm still so hurt and sometimes angry. My daughter is 40...many years of her cutting and stopping. I'm tired and this last time I just want to giveMorehigh. Tired of jumping through hoops only to eventually fail without warning. I think our problem is made a lot worse by her alcoholism. She has been drinking excessively for years. Try to hide it
  • Marg

    I haven't seen my daughter or granddaughter for 13 months. My daughter started excluding me three years ago. And now she can't answer - she won't answer the phone, texts etc - time is precious - you have a chance. I feel devastated and so sad.
  • Jeannie

    When I read everyone's stories, my heart aches because I know the pain too well.

    My son is 24 and was an amazing kid growing up. We never had to punish him. He was a great student with lots of friends and a fantastic family life, we were very close to him.

    When he met his girlfriend (only and current girlfriend) and they started dating, we started dating her and fell in love with her too. She seemed to be having some troubles with school in another city so we decided to let her move into our house to help her. Everything was fine at first until I found out that while I was away at work she came into my personal space several times and stole some makeup from me. If she had asked me for them, I would have just given them to her or bought her some. We did everything for her, let her live rent free in our house, she didn't work, my husband changed all four tires on her car, worked on her car etc.

    I confronted her about the makeup and she lied about it. I was hoping so much that she would just apologize and we could get over it, but it only got worse from there. She left that night and went to a friend's house. She called from a friend's house and told me she took the makeup off. When I told my son that she admitted to taking the makeup, he was very upset. I could see that it hurt him that she lied to him and it hurt me. I let her come back to our house because I kinda felt sorry for her and I loved her because my son loved her.

    The next day she was so happy and cheerful and acted like nothing had happened. I thought, boy, she'd get over everything fast. After that things stayed at home very very awkward until my son moved away for college and then he decided to tell me she really hadn't put on makeup and the only reason she did it was to try to calm them down. I was shocked!! I had evidence she was taking it. I know it's just makeup, that's not the problem. The problem is that she came to our house and stole and then lied about it, said she took it, and then lied again. She cheated on my son and he couldn't see it.

    My son has been gone since August 2019 and I haven't seen him since. We hardly ever talk on the phone. I found out several times that he was back in our town to visit his sisters and their family and never stopped by to visit us. When I asked him why he said we weren't ready for that. I feel like I lost him. It hurts so bad. I sit and cry a lot. That's why I got depressed. I know this sounds childish, but I have a feeling that she is purposely pulling him away from us and encouraging him not to speak to us. I just want to scream because now I think he thinks I lied about the whole theft incident.

    I'm literally driving myself insane. Every time the phone rings I think it could be him, every text I hear makes me cringe, every knock on the door. It's no fun living your life by a thread, just waiting for every little noise you hear to try to contact you.

    Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

    I wish you the best.

  • Lyssa

    My daughter turned 22 and decided to move abroad with her aunt and uncle.

    As time passed, she became more distant. Now she has completely cut off her father and me. I wrote emails, sent letters, cards... No response. She changed her phone number and we are not allowed to have her.

    She doesn't want anything to do with us.

    The family members she lives with support her decision to stop all communication with us. I think it's partly their fault that she distanced herself.

    I heard she recently eloped and my husband and I are terribly upset. She is two months away from graduating from nursing school. We hope she doesn't throw away all her hard work and effort.

    We are so confused as to what caused her to leave in the first place. It's been a year since we spoke to her.

    I will continue to report. I will never give up. I hope that one day she will want to see us again. I still cry most days, in & off.

    I just can't help it. She is my only daughter and my youngest child of three.

    She doesn't talk to my younger son and only ever talks to my eldest son.

    She also cut off the rest of the family.

    She offered my husband her phone number on the condition that he not share it with me. He refused this agreement, so she cut him out. I don't know what else to do. I'm so sad that she has to be like this and doesn't have to give us a reason.

    Our relationship was rocky in her late teens, but since she moved away it had become extremely awful.

    I just hope she gets in touch at some point.

  • addicted son

    My son is addicted and I'm the one who usually cuts him off and we won't last for months and we'll talk and then either he or I cut it off again. Cutting it off is how I protect myself from dealing with an addict. I think iMoremight be for the best lest I get hurt by his toxic behavior.
  • Angry Mom

    I have a 32 year old daughter who was very disrespectfully obscene and now she has blocked my phone calls too saying I am wrong and jealous of her. I'm like what she has problems
  • Kate

    I am here suffering with you.

    I have a grown daughter who I miss dearly. Our relationship changed when she was a teenager. Been up and down for a while. But at a certain point I told her how I felt when she does and says things that hurt me. We had a terrible fight. And I even said things I shouldn't have said. I see her and my grandchildren once or twice a year. She doesn't respond to text messages or calls. I keep asking myself if I should just give up and stay out of her life. Maybe that would help her and make her happy. I've apologized for the things I've said and done, but it doesn't seem to matter. I pray for it every day. I give gifts and cards but she says nothing. And hopefully one day her heart will feel different. I seek advice from God. He told me: "Love never fails", Love knows no mistakes, "Love is patient", "Love is kind". It's easy to love someone when they love you back. It's tough and it's painful. Just as Jesus went to the cross for all of us, being burned, mocked, laughed at and spat on. Do not give up. God sees everything. In order to be forgiven, we must forgive, we can teach that to our adult child by example.

    i know it hurts Believe me, I know. Keep praying and never lose hope. Xo

    • Broken

      I totally agree. OX You are all in my prayers too.
  • Becky

    Thank you for writing an article that is not biased towards the adult children. When a person googles alienation and adult child, very little comes up that represents the true reality of what is going on with many parents of this terrible epidemic that is attacking usMoreFamilys. I've been in my nightmare for a year and I'm still in shock. I know I've hurt my children in my life like they've hurt me, but I don't understand how we can't share our hurts and find grace for one another as we move through this world! This is so very biblical! God be with us all
  • Cookie Monster

    AYD, your situation sounds similar to mine. I still cry a lot. To add to my frustration, my eldest son is extremely rude to my husband (I'm divorced from her father), while my younger son is not. I rarely hear of both. Very sad..
  • AYD

    My word, 856 comments. How sad it is that so many parents have to go through this. My oldest son hasn't spoken, called, or texted me in four years. Saying my heart is broken doesn't even describe my pain. Some days it costs me everything to get out of bed.

    Me and his father separated after 30 years of marriage. I was unhappy! My son was very angry that I left. He said he was caught off guard and didn't know anything about it. Well, he rarely came around!!!!! He got angry that I was "honest" with him.

    I know we shouldn't fret over our grown children. But let me tell you. For the first few years I cried every day. The third time I kept turning to him. Still nothing. He married. That killed me. Well... I'm angry. I'm tired of begging and pleading. I am not asking forgiveness for moving on with my life! I deserve to be happy too.

    I'm sorry, but we raised a bunch of spoiled, spoiled brats who only think about themselves! Unless they have been physically or psychologically abused, they need to put on their adult panties and talk to us parents and work it out. EVERYTHING is negotiable and EVERYTHING can be settled if discussed sensibly and calmly. But it takes BOTH parties to be an adult!!!!

    Sorry for the rant. But I feel better now! ☺️😂😅

  • Lost in Space

    Not completely alienated yet, but with my 21-year-old daughter, I can imagine it going that way. She constantly tells me that she hates me and very disrespectfully swears and abuses me. When I ask her why she hates me, she tells me I should know why.MoreI'm the kind of father who was always there, but maybe in hindsight I was there physically but not emotionally. I'm lost and have no idea how to reach her. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know why she hates me anymore. I don't think living at home helped her because her university is remote. The only good thing at the moment is that we have a big house and we can retreat to separate corners of the house if the weather is bad. I swear I wake up every day with the best intentions of making things right with her, but it usually turns into something twisted and painful when she greets me with the same damn attitude she gives me every day.
  • stitched seeds

    Many Thanks. I know I'm not alone. It is a great pain to experience. I finally stood up for myself and took a stand against the ongoing abuse. I think I let it go too long. The silence hurts a lot. Some days easier than others. handling birthdays,Moreand the forthcoming birth of gr. children that you may never see is brutal.
  • clueless

    My 28-year-old daughter suddenly stopped talking to me. no drugs, no divorce, no abuse. We were always very close and she was planning her wedding. I reacted very badly out of pain and frustration but ultimately tried to apologize for anything/everything I could think of.MoreIt's been almost 9 months now. I attended the wedding and she was polite to me while I was there but it wasn't the amazing experience I was looking forward to. I am so overwhelmed by her ability to treat me so cruelly. There is no explanation for what I could have done and no way to make amends. All this during Covid isolation does not help. Therapy, antidepressants, wine get me through it, plus a loving husband, sister, and parents. The daughter has also stopped speaking to her father, aunt and grandparents. She's always been the most empathetic of my kids, but she seems to have no idea how that affects all of us. can't stop crying even after all this time (but i'm a whiner). I honestly feel like it's something that could have been resolved with a conversation.
    • smash

      Wow, sort of like our situation. My daughter, my only child, who I was so close to, just cut me and her father out of her life. This behavior has worsened over the past nine years. At first it was just cold distancing from us.MoreShe now keeps us in front of our two grandchildren who were so close to us. She just behaved hatefully and cruelly without any prior provocation. We asked them why and what we did. She has no real answer. We now have very little contact with her, the children or our son-in-law whom we loved so much. He also seems to be a victim of their control and manipulation. She had the best childhood, the very best in a loving, caring home.
  • Fiona

    Thank you for this article, in the dark days it's good to understand that you are not alone.
  • forever hurting

    My grown up kids shut the door on me, my feelings are so raw and I don't know what's best to do
  • sad mother

    My 19 year old left right out of high school to live with her birth father, who let her boyfriend live there as well. He charged them a ridiculous rent to live in a tiny garage. When she couldn't take it anymore, she moved home. I tried to helpMoreShe got on the right track and paid them to help with her younger sisters. She was verbally disrespectful, refused to help around the house, said we didn't pay her enough but refused to get a job. She kept talking to us so disrespectfully I couldn't take it anymore and I asked her to leave as the verbal abuse had started to take a toll on me and the younger children. I reacted out of anger. She moved in with her boyfriend and has been trying to turn her sisters against me ever since. She has obviously blocked me from the phone which I continue to pay for and may even be pregnant. I'm so depressed, I cry every day.
  • hard hurt

    It hurts me so much, I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything. My daughter and I were so close until she got her 1st boyfriend and spent time with his family who were better off financially than us, happy to trash and encourage usMoreour daughter to do the same, which she did willingly. She is 20 years old, newly married and just had our first grandchild who is the love of my life. My daughter uses the baby as a weapon and takes it with her when she is upset about something. Last time she took her about 2 weeks ago because I couldn't get the baby who is 9 months old to sleep when I was babysitting for her and she said to just leave her in the cradle and cry, even if it's 4 hours which i declined. The baby is young enough to be forgotten, and that's why I'm so angry with my daughter. Why would you take love away from your own baby? I will never understand or agree with that. I've tried everything, walking in eggshells, staying away, not being so available. She gets mad when I say, "If you and your husband want to go to dinner or to the movies, I'll babysit the baby so you can have some alone time." That's something I've never been offered, so I'd like to I offer things but she sees this as annoying to me. She has a hatred for me that runs deep. No abuse in our family, she has never used drugs or been in trouble, I'm pretty sure there are mental health issues but she refuses to seek help.
    • Sewnewseeds I've had this to mean for years. I had to wait until she was old enough to live with her father where I have all the access I want. It was a long wait, I would sneak to the school to have a look. It's nothing short of abuse. I feel for you

      I have suffered many heartbreaks and losses, none as painful as the silence of an alienated child. If you read the threads here and on other sites, it's practically an epidemic. I am surrounded by self-help books on the subject, podcasts, support from friends and a loving husbandMorebut one day I have lead shoes on and I can't move... IF I let it. One of the best books on the subject and how to get ahead and other reflections on sickness, death, inheritance and all the things that go through your mind all day as you get older comes from a book called Done with Crying by Sheri McGregor. Our perception of our time with this child is likely to be in direct contrast to hers. They believe in their truth and we believe in ours. Stop torturing yourself. That little kid with the swollen sweet cheeks may not be the kid you remember. That doesn't mean YOU haven't done a good job as parents. You are in love with a memory. This book will help you understand. You have to live in the present, be thankful for everything you have at this time. I get it! the birthdays, holidays, the birth of a grandchild you may never see, or a grandchild ripped from your world. It's up to YOU ​​to stop the pain. Say hello to the silence, stop punishing yourself. We're human, we can't undo what happened and stop apologizing for something you didn't do. With the pandemic, it aggravates the situation of loneliness. It's hard to understand the death of a relationship without actual physical death. As parents we are fixers, we are getting older, we want peace and harmony, love and family. We watch time go by with no solution in sight. You have not given up your position as a parent. Some think that it is our job as parents to exhaust every possible effort towards reconciliation. Think through your texts, letters or forms of contact. let the time pass Write the letter, but don't send it. When you are disrespected, verbally abused, financially abused, or grandchildren are used as a negotiating tool. It's not OK. Help yourself. stand firm. Read the threads.. YOU are NOT alone.. Get the book.
      • hard hurt

        Oh my god thank you!! The mentioned book is on its way! I'm getting stronger every day.
  • Weary

    My two adult daughters, 25 and 27, have shut me out. The eldest daughter put her father and I through hell during her teenage years... alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, stealing, disappearances, lying, etc. Her father and I did everything we could to set her on the right path, to noMoreto use. The younger daughter followed with similar behaviors. My daughter's father died suddenly a month after my mother died, then both of my in-laws died within the next two years. I suffered from PTSD after witnessing the death of my husband. During these difficult times, I supported my children emotionally and financially. A few months ago I was telling my daughters that my longtime fiancé and I were eloping. I told them that I will always love their father and that he wants me to be happy. They reacted terribly, with disgusting, nasty comments that even shocked my therapist. Her words were addressed to me, not my new husband. Your father and I had a good, strong marriage for almost 26 years. I loved him more than I can say. We were college sweethearts and loyal. I calmly responded to their horrible comments, telling them their words were unkind, rude and totally unacceptable. I told them that our problems were too big to handle alone and that I didn't want to hear from them unless they agreed to family therapy. Of course I haven't heard from them, but this Thanksgiving was the first drama-free holiday in years! I hope my daughters will agree to the advice, but in the meantime I'm at peace.
  • MP

    Very interesting comments. I struggle with the two extremes:

    1) Occasionally send text messages, Christmas gifts, etc. to the child who interrupted you.


    2) Don't make contact. They chose to cut you out. Leave her alone.

    I'm not sure how best to work on getting back in touch.

    • DN

      I absolutely's impossible to know what to do and I'm trying to stop yearning for an answer...
  • Be careful and try to heal

    This article contradicts itself in some of the advice given, but I'm glad it seems to have sparked a discussion. There are online support groups for estranged parents if you go to them. Also, be careful which therapist you go to - not all are good, some can make itMoreit worse. Why is this such a big problem? Is it because people in today's society are so self-centered and individualistic? - My daughter suddenly left home one day just after she turned 18, no explanation and interrupted me. Then she became close with my estranged mother and sister, with whom they had very little to do but now share the same drink and happily live the lifestyle of the moment. I look her up online just to see her because I miss her so much but I don't know this person. I have no idea who my daughter is. It's like she died and I'm mourning. The response from most people/my pastor was good, she's grown up now so you just have to leave her alone.” Wow. Until it happens to you, people have no idea.
  • Jim

    My wife and I are in the process of separating. I have two daughters who have not even acknowledged my existence for a year. The 19-year-old asks her mom to ask me if I'll sign another college loan. She doesn't even talk to me. good in mineMoreeyes, she's grown up. No, I am not signing a loan in my name to a person who will not even acknowledge my existence. I'll give them a few years to sort themselves out. After that, I will return to them the same thing that they gave me. As far as I'm concerned, I won't let them hurt me any more.
  • Betty

    My life is an accumulation of a bit of all the comments here. At 21, I was a young mother with two children. I loved my husband and children in the only way I knew with all my heart. Over time we got divorced andMorechildren stayed with me. To make it short. My son 50 has been estranged from me for 6 years. He confronted me that he was ashamed of his upbringing and where he grew up and preferred to leave it all behind. Seeing me was apparently a bitter reminder of what he wanted to forget. We live a separate country. He chopped a piece out of my heart that day and I've lived with the heartbreak ever since. Now my daughter has divorced her husband and their children are estranged from her. Her kids are pretty close to me, 22 and 26. She's jealous of our relationships I think and won't stop accusing me of getting the kids on my side now. I'm so sick of all this toxic communication.
  • terry cloth

    My wife and I had to kick our daughter out when she was 17. Drug abuse, theft and lies. Disrespect and even a physical altercation that caused us to call the police. That's about 2 years ago. We are sorry that youMorerefuses to speak to us, but our life is better when she doesn't live here. My wife and I grew closer and enjoyed life. There is no more stress and tension at home. We continue to pray for them and that's about all we can do.
  • Sad but nothing to do

    My adult son became estranged in 2017 at the age of 28. Before that, it was a turbulent 10 years of drug and alcohol use, car accidents and dropping out of college. Towards the end he brought home a girl (whom I later found out was a heroin addict).Morehumiliated me with lies on FB. I was devastated that my son would let this happen. He defended her and said I was following her online when I told him I found out she had been posting and reposting to her friends (with a request to share). All of this was because he asked for money and I said nothing more - to become responsible and get a job. So we had a fallout before the FB incident and he moved out and miraculously found an apartment and a job. All of this had one consequence for me - total alienation. I was devastated . It's been a tough three years because he's my only child. I'm on therapy and medication to try to deal with this situation; but the pain comes and goes (that's how I ended this page). Is it getting better? Not for me. Not yet. But I do my daily routines etc. I've tried emailing him and his response is always "Working." Even when he's not. I know this because I know someone who works with him and tells me when I wonder if he actually works. He tells me that it seems my son is happy. We had our differences and yes I was strict at times but never a bad parent. On the contrary, I overcompensated for raising him as a single parent. His father was never in the picture. Too busy having kids with multiple wives. I'm embarrassed that this is happening. I feel judged behind my back by family members; especially since they would call him my “golden child”. Bottom line, I'm sad even as I smile and joke for the world.
  • Mandi

    Just read this article and I am amazed and saddened by how common this is! Also just read Diana's comments about her son and it was almost textbook what happened to both of my sons! Love 💕 and hugs to all parentsMoreof alienated children and thank you for helping me to understand that it wasn't because I was a bad mother (quite the opposite), but a mother who was too entangled in love with my children (I had never a mother to care so i poured all my love into my kids) 🌈❤️ Xx
  • Diana

    I'm so glad I found this site and already feeling so much better. My eldest son started "cutting me off" at the age of 16 by once at a bus stop pretending he didn't know me, unfriending me on FB, changing his cell phone number and giving it to meMoreall except me. Although this hurt me deeply, I blame it on the "terrible teens" (although my youngest never exhibited similar behavior). Time passed and while I was upset and confused at his excluding me, I continued to offer him love and support, hoping that maturity would prevail and he would break away from it. But seven years later, he still shows what I can only describe as indifference towards me. I kept wondering what on earth I could have done to deserve his apparent indifference. In the end, my feelings of sadness and rejection turned to anger, which culminated in an argument between the two of us that resulted in me ordering him out of my house. While I feel hurt and frustrated, I genuinely believe that by and large, removing toxic/negative family members, including children, can only be beneficial. I have to keep reminding myself that I did my best to have a loving relationship, but the realist in me says it's not happening and I have a life to live too, and if that means me from mine To resolve son who is obviously no longer wants or appreciates my presence then so be it. love and peace to all.
    • Mandi

      I feel your pain Diana, and please don't feel alone in all this, I too made the conscious decision to close the door after being constantly upset and hurt, I wasn't allowed to my first grandchild's birthday parties either, eh it would have meant bump into my ex andMoreother son (my ex was a horrible dad after the breakup and never cared about the kids) And so i had to see her either before the party or after! In the end I decided that my granddaughter would pick this up and history would repeat itself, so I gained my self-esteem and respect and walked away thinking I'd rather be alone than watch my sons come into my life- and going out and if they felt the need! Hurtful doesn't even cover it! But there is life after, we just have to seek and find it ❤️ Greetings to you XX
  • Colleen

    My heart is broken my daughter had her first baby I was so excited but now I feel like a burden and the hired help more than a loving grandma 😢 it tears me apart emotionally
  • Royann

    I've only read a fraction of the comments on this article and I'm already feeling better. 16 months ago my son stopped talking to me because at almost 30 years old I would finally say enough and stop giving him money every time he asked me toMorehandled it badly and was quick to apologize for the poor handling, but the intention was good, the execution was poor. Despite my profuse and repeated apologies, my son cut me off from his life and refuses to contact me. I should add though that he has a good job, makes more money than his father, we still borrow hundreds of dollars regularly, that he claims to be a Christian, goes to church several times a week and studies ministers be. But he has no forgiveness in his heart and it breaks mine! Every day I wrestle with why and feel so very alone and while it totally and totally sucks that any of us have to deal with this, after reading some of your comments I feel a little less alone.
    • black ice

      @Royann I share your pain and despair. In almost identical circumstances to yours, my son separated me and my partner. The incident happened 14 months ago and like you I have apologized if we didn't handle it well, only to be snubbed. From what used to be almostMoreWeekly family Sunday lunches, where we laughed and had good times together, are now reduced to a stony silence and the occasional visit from him and his wife. They now have a child who I see every two weeks when they are in a generous mood. No text messages, phone calls or any other form of communication in the meantime. When this incident happened, he was 32 years old. Looking back, and now that the pain has subsided somewhat, and through prayer and meditation, I have come to realize that we were just a convenience and a material resource to him, and the thought that that convenience is no longer available to him , hurt his pride and brought out the worst in him. But I thank God that I was able to see the true, true side of him. For everyone else he is the perfect person. Friendly, decent, helpful and supportive. But to us, who have nurtured and supported his every dream and aspiration, we are now useless and therefore worthless. We were only used. So, cheer up, don't waste the rest of your life thinking about an ungrateful child. You will always love him and be there for him if and when he falls, but stop worrying about it and move on. It took me 14 months to get to this mindset and I thank God and my friends for their kind words and support in advising me to forgive, forget and move on. I wish you love, peace and happiness.
  • just happy

    First of all, thanks to the author who generously shares her insights, and to all the parents and adult children who comment here to support one another and enable others to read. Stumbled across this article like so many do and was just searching the internet for answers to fill in the sad and confusing wait for my 24 year old daughter to check in again. You may laugh, but it's only been a day and a half. And yet, of course, it's not the first time and a sad pattern since the age of 16 that I always thought she would grow out of with a combination of maturity and a sense of more stability in her life. This time it was the way she returned to the city where she lives just two hours away that scares me.

    It was what she said.

    We had visitors home for a day and a half and we just had a fun day together with lots of laughter and talk. I know I slipped and gave some poorly articulated answers to a few things, but I would explain that I didn't express my thought well right away if she would be sensitive to that and I sometimes speak too fast and with the wrong words come out When it comes to careers, I walk on eggshells. What happened was that suddenly, in the car on my way home to get her things for the bus ride back to her apartment, which is only two hours from home, I innocently started asking her to stop for a coffee wool. But I tend to tiptoe because I knew she was in an anxious mood on the way back, so I pretended to be silly and asked my question, "May I ask you something?" She snapped at me and said, "NO ! I don't answer questions!” And I quickly told her it was about coffee and made it small, but she stayed angry. Then we got home and as we were getting ready to go to the bus I hugged her why she was so angry. She suddenly screamed that she had reached her limit with the time she could be with me and also listened to the "little silly comments" I was making and how she couldn't take it anymore. And then she said she was fed up with us trying to pretend we were "best friends" and that I'm her mom. That came completely out of the blue. I was so shocked and sad. We hadn't had any bad feelings during our happy day. I'm very tuned into our relationship and this wasn't a day that looked like it was going down at all. I know she had her period. I know she can be moody. She can turn on a dime sometimes, but those remarks to me really, really hurt this time. It's so confusing to me and I feel like I don't know when she started just putting up with me that day. I wondered if I've been patronized for the last hour or maybe two? i feel like an idiot I have enough low-level self-esteem issues that their acceptance means a lot to me, I'll admit. I admire and adore her for many reasons that stem from her hard work and she knows it. I don't understand why she doesn't realize how hurtful what she said was. She can be very cold when angry. Still, she is a sensitive, thoughtful girl. I feel like I won't be able to trust next time we go on our fun outings. I hadn't even asked or begged her to be with me as I try not to be annoying. Although "annoying" is a word, she often calls me. At the same time, she is grateful that I know her and shows me love and gets in touch very regularly.

    It was a joint decision to go out together and do some shopping. I bought her a lipstick that she needed. I just feel awful because we share a similar view of the world when we are together and have the same taste and laugh so much, have such a history of understanding as a mother... I should give some background here as I do already partly know how this is explained. Yet despite our history, it pains me to wonder if she now sees me as an old, weird nuisance and if I'm actually that blind to it, despite all the fun times we have together. It's scary and makes me so sad.

    We see each other often and many would probably say that I am emotionally involved with her because she chose an intense career that she began coaching at the age of three and which she continued with her own drive into young adulthood , a similar training to what an Olympic athlete goes through. Because of the difficult and unforgiving training, and the ultimately controlled and ultimately cruel professional context that the student ends up in once the small percentage succeed in realizing their dream, the parents are quite mired in trying to provide the emotional and financial support be and you have been going on this journey with your child for years. There have been physical injuries that required support and emotional rollercoasters, and their natural resilience has been tested. There were gaps where she was recovering from an injury and sat in a dark place for a few months with depression but came out and held her head up every time. She has traveled the world during her short professional career and lives as a product of her inevitable tiny niche of specialized experience. And because the niche is small, her true emotional support is very limited, as many of her peers have no idea what her life has been like still can't see if the result will give her stability. She is still largely dependent on my husband and I financially and we don't resent that and support her as she tries to use the skills she has to do for jobs while she attends school. So I'm sure their lack of self-esteem persists and with it resentment and the desire not to be reminded of their addiction by being with me.

    Whether there are obvious reasons for this or not, I love her and want to feel loved as well, and I also worry that through concern for her physical health and regular forgiveness, I have somehow enabled and normalized her behavior. There have been many instances over the years of her turning me on in this way. I worry that she will think it's okay to treat others equally and it will backfire and she won't know why they don't trust her. I'm so confused. Sorry for the digression. At the end of the day, we just want to know that we haven't screwed up our own kids.

  • Disrespectful mother

    To all the alienated children here, you will never understand the full alienation until YOU are the parent and your adult child completely disconnects or cuts ties with you. I heard that a lot of bad things happened to your parents. I saw my grandmother move in and out of our house and curse my mother every time she did it. My grandmother would then elope with my uncle, who would spend every penny my grandmother had saved through life on my parents. When my grandmother was broke again, my uncle wrapped her up and sent her broken butt back to my mom and dad to rebuild her bank account.

    My mother, on the other hand, let her children scold her, refuse to see her grandchildren, and verbally abuse them in our small town. They certainly didn't hate them or shit on them when they needed money or drugs. When they asserted themselves, whether financially or emotionally, they let them see the grandchildren, visit them, and act like mature adults.

    I'm going through an estrangement with my daughter. She treated me with silence and disregarded me until I exploded in anger. She lived with me for 4.5 years until she was 24, FREE OF RENT, FOOD AND ACCESSORIES. I paid for her 3 cell phones and she still told me to give her mine. I also paid for her and my granddaughter's gas for school.

    I made the mistake of letting her boyfriend move in, who by the way was kicked out for not paying the rent with his roommate. He brought a gun into my house WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE OR PERMISSION. He refused to lock the doors of my house (one of my 3 rules I gave them) but locked his car in my yard. My granddaughter, who I have supported from birth, has autism and I specifically said that because of her issues, I never wanted guns in my house. I told them to move out when I found out they were making $1500 more a month than I was...and letting me pay all their bills and needs so they could buy whatever they wanted. Pretty nice of me, right? After all the silent treatment and financial abuse, I blew up. She has not spoken to me since August 1st and I have not seen her or my granddaughter since October 1st. I miss them both, but I definitely feel relieved, both emotionally and financially, since they left. I didn't realize how much my daughter abused my wallet until I was averaging about $800 more a month. I have very bad boundaries with money and people I love.

    So, don't ask the author, who is more qualified than any of us here to understand alienation, to change her statement just because it doesn't apply to your situation. Nobody's story is the same. And you will most likely experience the alienation on the other side, no matter how good a parent you are.

  • At least

    My 20 year old daughter (who lives at home) has been avoiding me for over two years now. She hardly speaks to me, pretends not to hear me, avoids me by not entering a room until I leave, and covers my back. I tried to "comeMoreclean" and accepting my own behavior (overreacting, emotional outbursts), apologizing, not responding, but she continues to avoid me. My husband (she speaks on a whim) tried in vain to talk and argue. My other daughter (23) doesn't want to talk/deal with it. I am generally avoided and excluded. It feels like a daily nightmare. She lives at home, goes to college and her father (my husband) pays for her school and her car. I'm alone and just desperate. I've gotten to the point where I feel insane with grief. This article is helpful.
  • Alienated Child

    Speaking from the perspective of alienation, this article in all aspects gives false hope to those who have absolutely no intention of ever bringing their former family back into their lives. I agree with several commenters who say that the gifts and messages just make the alienated feel uncomfortable and containedMorea situation where the estranged parents have the opportunity to bait with photos, words on cards, and/or sentimental gifts to come back into their lives. It's an awful feeling to be on your doorstep on special holidays or even your birthday. You will be reminded of the past, which you left behind most of the time for the greater good of yourself, making this intense common sense decision. It's incredibly offensive to read that distancing behaviors are "the only way these alienated individuals deal with fear because they don't know any other way." Disgusting and obviously biased point of view, especially when discussing among a vulnerable audience. Author should revise.
    • DN

      I read what you wrote and I think I understand your point of view. Not everyone would take these gestures as "bait," a term I found disturbing. What happened to you, of course I have no idea. There will be many reasons why you and others like it made the choiceMoreThey have. I think what this vulnerable audience (me, at least) wants is to reach a plateau of understanding, really understand why this happened and accept it, maybe gradually change it. Learning to let go of hope is painful. I'm old enough to know and admit my mistakes, to believe that communication is key, and to somehow gain some peace, peace before anything else.
  • slow healing

    I stopped speaking to both of my parents in my 40s. They are both terrible people. Why? My father has an explosive temper and I never knew what he would be like from one minute to the next. He would say anything he could to break you emotionally andMorehurting you to the core... imagine telling a child it's not good (that wasn't even the worst, far from it). As a child I was afraid of him. My mother took a lot of physical abuse from him, which I also witnessed... Once I thought he was going to kill her and saw it happen. They spilled over shortly thereafter and my mother left me with him, knowing full well how abusive he could be. Well she got custody of my sister and met a drunk child molester who would molest my sister. The worst part was when my sister tried to tell my mom what happened, my mom hit her and didn't believe her even though she knew...she didn't want to accept it. So the abuse continued for a few more years until my sister just couldn't handle it anymore and told someone else. My mother was still trying to keep her relationship with the drunk child molester going, even as he was sentenced to weekends in jail and my sister was still living there. I had an inner turmoil about this for many years and it was never talked about...I just can't get it into my head. Both of my parents are abusive and toxic people that I would never have wanted to be born with if given the chance. Yes, they are broken people. Do you know who else is broken? All three of their adult children. My sister is not well, my brother is fine but he still has a lot to go through before he is where he wants to be. I'm doing my best with the cards life has given me... I have to do it for my kids and my wife because they don't deserve to live through what I went through again. I will stop the cycle of abuse.
  • T&T

    The advice given in this article: keep sending cards, letters, and reaching out is terrible. By continuing to do this, you demonstrate your clear limitlessness when it comes to your child. It's terrible advice. Any card or letter you send has no meaningMoreas long as you ignore the root causes of the relationship breakdown. Adult children who are alienated from their parents usually have no other way to break the dysfunctional dynamic. Alienation is the last resort. If your adult child no longer wants to be in contact with you, think about the boundaries you have crossed. I'm willing to bet the grown kids have said what it's about many times. The parents either refuse to believe there is a problem or think the child's problem is not serious enough. Maybe your reaction is, "I didn't mean it like that," or "You're being dramatic," or "That didn't happen." If you are dismissive, you lack empathy. If you keep doing this, it becomes too exhausting to continue the charade and the relationship falls apart.
    • Broken

      You may be right that the cards are not accepted. But once you've apologized and then send your love, there's nothing wrong. Love is for taking. That's all.

      The other does not forgive. And so this wonderful burden does not feel lifted from them. love frees. love heals everything

      By lovingly giving, you can never go wrong.

    • Pam Constable

      Well it is, but as what my daughter told me never happened. Then she lies to others about her childhood and they hate me too. How do I deal with lies?
    • LAMS

      In other words, you have no communication with the engaged adult child. Like I said, you're dead. But while the mother has pushed her limits, she realized that she shouldn't even be sending out a birthday card or Christmas card of any kind. how is the childMoreshould know how sorry you are for what was said. There is no book that will tell you how to be a good parent if that parent didn't have a really good upbringing and needed to inspire it. I was an overprotective mother who accepted any kind of abuse from her father that gave the child a chance to go with us when we were kicked out of the house. After filing for divorce following his liver transplant. The life I gave to her father all these years, and you end up taking your leftover daughter with you and disappearing. I hugged my son and said me and his sister wouldn't be there when he got home from school. I had no choice but to move around the corner from where my only family to take my daughter and I was across the country. Since then we have been living in hell on earth. Your father never used the money I sent him for this child. The child was told I left her. I don't make too much sense as after almost twenty years I'm still devastated that I couldn't convey to this child that after they got married and their first child hurt me, my grandchild let me know every nine months , then nothing . Four years later I'm told I did it to myself. So much has happened and many misunderstandings that my health is bad, sister is sick and there is no one left that all my siblings have died that is now four siblings of mine who took us in that they are all gone . No contact nothing. This is not a lack of empathy on our part, but a lack in itself. Today's children lack the empathy that is misplaced as guardians against spousal violence. In no way has my child ever been abused or neglected in any way. The only thing this child has experienced is a lack of love from her father, who by the way has five children, two before our two, then one after. The only ones he speaks to are my only child and his child after my children after he said he doesn't want any more children met a lady who got her pregnant and asked me if I think he should tell her she should get rid of it. I told him he had to take responsibility for his actions. At fifty-three he had his last child. That was after he made sure I would never have children again because he didn't want any more. My child was misguided by his father. I never told my kid that I was dead because his father's father died when he was young, that he only got along with his mother. I'm not dead. I'm very much alive. There is no charade. There is no covering up what happened, read what empathy means as used in a sentence. Apply that to your situation. You are not the only one suffering. What you are going through is the absent parent who held you in their belly for nine months and raised you to the best of their ability when no one taught her how to grow up and be a responsible adult parents make mistakes and pay for it need every day. I have an Olympic teardrop laugh. I've owned a Kleenex company for almost twenty years. All she ever wanted was for the family to come together as one, not four across the country. My condolences to you 🙏✝️❤️
  • night nurse


    I am so thankful to have found this site. For a moment, I began to question my status as a mother. I have a 31 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I shake my head as I type this. I still can't believe I'm here.

    In short, I was on active duty in the Navy when her father and I divorced. Since I was on sea duty, he was given custody. I used. It didn't take long for her to realize that she could pit one parent against the other. He would give her anything at first to make her want to stay with him.

    I remember my visit, driving two hours from San Diego to an empty house. I would wait for hours. Call just to get his voicemail. Late in the evening he would finally show up with her. After a two-hour drive back, my first day of visit was shot, so to speak. This keep away game went on for years until I finally applied to the court for a neutral pick up and drop off point. They did. It was the sheriff's station, blocks from the house.

    Finally there was a third person who could document if they weren't there when I was supposed to pick them up. To document when I dropped her off and he wasn't there. One of his favorite things to do was keep me waiting until he finished his rotating shift at 11:30pm. I sit for hours with our daughter in my car or Denny's. I still had a two hour commute back to San Diego.

    Things got old because of the Sheriff's Dept's intervention. The immediate thrill of abusing my time was gone. He started setting boundaries for this spoiled and out of control kid. She called me, cried and begged to stay with me. please mom please I had the attorney file a total of three times requesting a change of custody. Every time she appeared in court and said I want to stay with my father. Each time more stung than the last.

    I met someone, remarried, and had two amazing sons. They filled this painful void in my soul with a joy I haven't felt in years. Fast forward to today. She was arrested for drunk driving in December 2018. Her bail was $220,000. I thought she hit someone and hurt her.

    No! It turned out to be her second DUI at the age of 30. Unpaid parking tickets all over Los Angeles County. She spent two weeks in prison and was transferred from one prisoner to another. After a year of fines and community service, I had a bright idea that a change of venue would help her get her role back on track. She lived her entire adult life with her father.

    She enrolled in college part-time. Found a part-time job. Things seemed great. Less than three weeks after moving in, she began coming home drunk between 2 and 3 a.m. Lies, keep her two brothers and me silent. I didn't realize it at first, but she started passive-aggressive gaslighting behavior.

    It was little things. Knocking over my toothbrush in its holder, knocking over personal items on my dresser, laying her soaking wet washcloth on my dry towel after her shower. I would call her at any event. The tension built. I began to see that she was doing these things on purpose to push my buttons. It lasted over a month. During the Las Vegas summer, I set the thermostat to 73C to return home after a 12-hour night shift to find the patio doors wide open. The device runs all night.

    i was so nervous I dreaded the moment I would hear her key in the lock. I was at my wits end. The harmony in the house was now tension. When I got back from work last Tuesday I found that she was putting a dirty pair of her panties on my smock which I keep in the bathroom to put back on.

    I can't remember if I was still breathing. For a moment I stood unable to move. I put the panties in the trash, washed my smocks and decided that was it. She returned in the early evening looking for the confrontation that became the norm. She was received in silence. She went into the bathroom and found the basket empty. She thought she must have seen my panties? She casually walked around my presence as if looking for something to offer me an opportunity to attack. No not tonight.

    I couldn't sleep I was so angry and disgusted. The next morning I went to the constables' office in the courthouse. I paid and filed a 5 day eviction notice. It was served the next day. She saw the message when she came in after 2am. She did not say anything. I had every light in this house on and wide awake, I was ready for any scene she wanted to cause. She hasn't done anything.

    The next morning she called friends and others to cry in desperation that I had served her an eviction notice. I started getting calls and requests to work with her. my foot! she's out If she violates the 5 days I will not hesitate to pay for her to physically remove it. Thanks to articles like this, I know I deserve better. We all deserve better. At least I deserve their respect, I'm their mother! I wish her well, but she will never be welcome back in my house.

    night nurse

    • Polly

      @Nightsister. You are a great woman. You helped me more today than you will ever know. stay your bad self! Love, respect and light to you. 💜
  • Linda

    I'm so thankful I found this site with all you amazing parents sharing your pain. I've never felt so alone, abandoned, and in such excruciating pain in my life, and I'm pretty sure the few friends I have left are sick of hearing about my estrangementMoreSon. I've been a divorced mom since my two angels come back from iiijjiiiij. The boys were 5 and 7. Niadtee, the father of my 2nd
  • ash

    It's been 7 years since my daughters cut me off. I left my husband in 2012 after 26 years of marriage. He was a "functioning" alcoholic who had clandestine gambling added to the mix. Misappropriated money from his business and the very last straw was fraud. Both of my daughters lived with their partners and didn't know that their father came home at 3 am. On a working day he went to work and didn't return until the next evening. So I decided to go.

    I explained why and they seemed to understand. They were 22 and 25 at the time.

    I was an emotional mess at the time. Had no support at all from my older brothers. No other relatives. Had some wonderful friends who helped me.

    My husband kept saying he wanted to work on the marriage, but nothing changed.

    6 months after I left I received a nasty email from my eldest daughter saying she wanted nothing to do with me because I had told her things about her father like embezzlement, gambling and cheating to get her to help understand why I left him anyway I loved him but she said I try to turn her against her father and then started going back to things she did as a teenager and my "rules". Never heard from her again and she blocked me on all social media. I immediately changed her cell phone number.

    My youngest daughter just cut all contact 3 months after her sister. Absolutely no idea why.

    I have attempted to reach both on numerous occasions over the years. I send letters, cards, etc. to her grandmother's address.

    Silence for 7 years. No response or confirmation.

    It's hard work, hell on earth. A big part of my heart died.

    I live my life and have been with a lovely man for 4 years now. He has two daughters, ages 25 and 28, who he's close...but part of me feels so much grief, loss, and sadness when I see all the texts and chats and coffee breaks, lunches "in jokes" that they sharing between them... it's like salt in a wound but I could never tell him that!!!

    And of course under the stream of "she MUST have done something horrible for her two daughters to cut them off like that".

    Even my brother asked me once: 'You can tell me you must have done something!'

    That's what everyone thinks!!

    It's such a cruel punishment.

    My eldest got married last week. Found out from my nephew who went to the wedding. She's 33 now, guess next is a baby.

    Can't recapture those precious moments that were missed. Adds only fire to pain.

    I have no answers 😭

    • David

      sorry for your situation. I can relate to some extent. What has helped me more than anything is remembering the great times when they were young and no one can take those times away from me. Children carry on into adulthood, even in the best of situations. JustMorehold on to those incredibly loving, happy memories. It's what I do and it makes all the difference in the world.
    • Cookie Monster

      i really feel for you My ex had a bad case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and lied and turned my son's against me. All you can do is work to get better. I am now married to a wonderful man. Life can go on. Adult children have noneMoreImagine, it seems, that they will answer to God for disrespectful behavior. We reap what we sow and one day they will experience the same. I pray daily for the souls of my sons.
  • JJ

    I haven't seen my daughter for a year now and I don't know when or if I ever will again. This is heartbreaking - I keep thinking about her and I don't know how to get over it. Life went on for everyone else, but I'm stuck here with pain. I'd say we're 50/50 at fault - she knew how to hit me to the core and get an answer out of me. I allowed myself to get so emotional when I was the parent and should have controlled it better. Now she doesn't even talk to her little sister. I never thought this would happen - we were so close before she turned 14, then mental health became an issue and she fought for our help at every turn. As an adult she was fine for a while, but then her "girlfriend" convinced her to stop taking her medication and within a year almost all of the family separated her. I was first though. She said she never wants me in her life again.

    I know I digress, but it's hard to understand any of this.

    • Barbie

      Your situation is very similar to mine. My estranged daughter's troubles started when she was 14. That's when her father cheated on me and left to be with this woman. My daughter blamed me for not being able to stop him from leaving.

      She also became mentally ill and began to beat me regularly. I had our whole family in counseling at the time, but it didn't do much.

      Our doctor said that my daughter needed to take medication and she took the medication for about a year, starting at age 16. Then she too decided she no longer needed the medication. Things were worse than ever. She not only hit me, but also her older and younger siblings. She also started calling me all kinds of horrible names. Next came the allegations.

      She would tell me that I loved my three other children more than she did and that I allowed them to mentally "hack" them and did nothing to stop them.

      This behavior has continued to this day, and she is now 43 years old. She is estranged from all of her siblings after saying such horrible things to each of them that one by one they stopped speaking to her.

      She's stopped talking to me more times than I can count but now she says she doesn't want to talk to me, more finality. This time she used the words "forever".

      I have written to her occasionally in the past and always told her how much I love her. This time I'll leave her alone for a while. It hurts my heart more than I can take, but she asked me to "respect her wishes," so I will.

      I don't know exactly how I will shape the future with her, but I do know that only intensive counseling and medication on her part can really make a difference.

      I'm sorry you're hurt too, and I feel so sad that there are so many of us out there.

  • HERR

    Hello everyone... I'm relatively new to this. It's the feeling of rejection and betrayal that is most devastating to me. My daughter and I had a close relationship growing up. I think maybe we spoiled her too much... I don't know. We took care of themMoreeverything she needed or wanted, and was a happy, well-adjusted, gifted child through puberty. Then her teenage years hit and she became moody and restless and resentful about many things in her life. She didn't really have close friends. Then, during her college years, she realized she was gay. I've supported her all along, but when she came out to the rest of the family a few years ago, they decided her partner wasn't welcome in our home. She now accuses me of staying with her father and "supporting his homophobia." She first requested silence for "a few months" to deal with her concerns, but when I sent her a few emails during that time, she told me that she felt I wasn't respecting her request, and did now asked for six months of silence. I sometimes feel like I can't take it. I've taken a full-time job at a new school — and this busyness has helped me not obsess over not hearing or seeing my daughter, but I find the silence awful to endure when I'm not very busy. The weekends are the worst. I'm afraid her partner influenced her to make this breakup and I'm afraid that after 6 months she might say the breakup helped her anxiety and wants a permanent breakup. That scares me. I don't know if others here have the same feelings of utter betrayal and stunned disbelief...that this child I've loved and nurtured and supported and encouraged from the moment I knew he existed is choosing to do so just breaking that off and rejecting me is devastating.
    • Is

      Child alienation is epidemic. Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, "When your children are small they love you, but when they grow up they judge you."

      This has happened to you and many other parents. Leave her alone. Don't burden her with calls, pleasantries, or advances.

      I know it's a shame, but it's common, and you have to realize that she doesn't see you because she doesn't want to. Then you have to realize that you don't want to see someone who doesn't want to see you.

      Remember, if you never hear from her again, she's the one with the problem, not you.

    • JJ

      I feel you. I too am devastated at being separated from my daughter because we were once so close. Like you, things went downhill in the teens. I'm ashamed that this happened - like I'm a broken parent. The worst thing is that I know that everyone automatically assumes that as a parent I did terrible things for this to happen.

      peace be with you <3

  • so blue

    I'm in so much pain with my daughter right now, I'm just glad I found a place to be and I'm sitting here reading every comment. God bless.
  • Aimee

    Thank god I found this group. I've been through this alone for so many years. My daughter is 38. She has walked away three times in 22 years resulting in a loss of 16 years. At this point I don't really want a relationship with her. She killed that. However,MoreMy two granddaughters are being robbed of a wonderful grandmother. Sometimes the heartbreak is more than I can take. She is a very strong and dominant personality and even persuaded my other weaker daughter to do the same. She is pure evil. There. I said it. No respect, no love, no consideration for anyone but myself. It would never have crossed my mind to do something like that to my mother, no matter how much we disagreed. It's a new, sick and evil world.
  • I did most of the raising of my two children aged 25 and 29. My daughter started ghosting me when she turned 18 and it continues to this day 11 years later. I have a grandson but I'm not allowed to see him and although he was a big part of my life until the age of 5, he doesn't know now if he still loves and cares for him because she ends it all abruptly has communication with her and him. I know I should move on and get on with my life and I've tried to counsel him and treat him as grief, but I'm also riddled with anxiety and think I "see" him when I'm in public places, but he's not really there. just a boy who looks like him or is the same age or height. Is that normal? How can children who have received so much love, help and support turn away and try to hurt parents? No explanations, no conversations, no understanding and forgiveness on her part. My son has now decided that he wants to join this no-social club and has asked me not to communicate with him either. I thought the first one hurt, but this one stunned me.

  • jmd

    My daughter has said she doesn't want to hear anything from me: no texts, no emails, calls from me have always gone straight to her voicemail where she scans them and may or may not answer. She may or may not have blocked me, so I have no ideaMorewhether or not she even saw the few text messages I sent. If she isn't already blocked, against her expressed wish that I not contact her, she could end up blocking me and closing the only portal between us other than our mail - which she could simply refuse to open. Do I risk occasionally contacting them and asking them to officially block me? On the other hand, does it matter?
    • Lost

      I find it easier to just let it be because when I reach out, the response is usually mean and hurtful. She wants to be in control of "when" we communicate, so I accepted that.
  • CM

    Someone said a book called Mothers with Difficult Daughters?

    That made me laugh!

    I could write my own book about it. Only nine would be daughters with difficult mothers!

  • Debora

    Our son hasn't had anything to do with us for four years and we have two grandchildren who we rarely speak to or all see because his wife never took care of us
  • What happened

    4 years ago within a few months i found out my husband who was 26 years old was a high functioning alcoholic and left me, my son graduated high school and dropped out of college and now hardly speaks to me and my Daughter who graduated from college and moved across the country and stoppedMorespeak to me In one fell swoop, my entire nuclear family disappeared (my mother, grandmother, stepfather, and dog all died that same year). I've been healing and in therapy and working through the pain of the end of my marriage. Mourn for all the death that happened. But worse than all of that combined, my daughter will never speak to me again and I have no idea why. All she ever said was that she needed space from me. Both children talk to their alcoholic father who left me for another woman because he pays all her bills. I'm taking him to court now because he's not paying me what he owes me. I've tried texting, emailing, calling my daughter. I tried to leave her alone. I'm getting nowhere She was my little girl. I miss her terribly. I saw her from afar at my son's graduation and she looked so different. I thought how I don't even know who she is anymore. Some people tell me it's "normal" for someone in their mid-20s. I don't see anyone in my life, friends and family that has this problem with their mid-twenties. I am so heartbroken about this. I am struggling to move on with my life as a single woman after 26 years of marriage. That alone is very painful. But my kids cutting me off make it very hard to keep going every day.
    • Broken

      I've had similar events in my life. You are not alone. Be strong, it will get better.
    • mourning mother

      Your story is very similar to mine.. It's haunting as hell!! I am sorry! Reading all of these comments makes me sad, but I also feel a little relief knowing I'm not alone. People prepare you for the Terrible Twos and the teen years, but nobody ever tells you about adultsMoreKids and how mean they can be.. That sucks!! I am so lost and broken without my children and grandchildren..
    • Right

      I'm sorry you have to go through so much! It's a terribly draining emotional drain on you. You are not alone, you have tools to overcome this. Have you tried alanone? It has/helps me enormously, I can concentrate on myself and take care of myself. The burnout ofMoretaking care of others all these years is too much and i need to take care of myself finally and finally. I too am estranged from my daughter and have no idea why. It's a choice they make, and we can choose to deal with all of this pain or find a way out. It's all temporary anyway... Good luck! I'm sorry.
      • Lori

        After living with an alcoholic for the past ten years and struggling with the constant lies, I am divorcing after 28 years. We had five children, two of whom were together. Our oldest daughter, who is 27 and who I have always been closest to, began rejecting me in December. sheMorehas blocked me on phone and social media platforms. I went to her house and knocked and heard the grandchildren saying that mom is here and she won't answer the door. She has a new baby I've never seen. All because I started dating another man after breaking up with her father in October. She supports her father and communicates with him and her siblings. It tears me apart, it breaks my heart. She gave me the choice before she stopped communicating with me, it was choose her or the other man. I wouldn't make a choice even though she would have been the most obvious, I didn't want to give her that kind of control over my life and I have now lost a daughter, a son-in-law and three precious grandchildren.
    • Tonya

      I understand your pain sister
  • PatientNoMore

    My kid isn't a grown yet and cut me off (for a variety of reasons I assume, although none were life threatening, just minor misunderstandings and the like) - but the main reason is that she's transgender (or at least a lesbian, which is me but doesn't bother you, because being a lesbian doesn't mean you have to change gender). As far as I know, she has not been on hormones or medical treatments. She is what I would call ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) as this started much later than other kids.

    She moved in with her dad 3 years ago just because I was struggling financially, but still kept in touch with me until last year when our relationship slowly but surely came to an end (her choice, not mine). This breakup is worse than when my ex and I broke up and that was because of his infidelity. She is my only child and I cannot bear this alienation. I'm tired of being patient so I plan to make a gentle reconciliation request very soon.

    Life is too short and as I am struggling with major health issues I really have to try.

  • Wen

    My daughter is 27 and moved to her father's state. She went. Back and forth as an adult living between us and making bills. I no longer said like her father. She kept her relationship with her father and shut me out. I wouldn't tell anyone why, anywhere. She attempted suicide and I'm trying to help. It's been 3 years and I finally texted her, I found her number on an old phone. She asked two days ago to leave her alone and that her life is perfect without me.

    I'm at a loss.

    Dying in Texas.

    • Disrespectful mother

      I would give her what she wants. Let go and take care of yourself. She says things because she's hurt and doesn't have the skills to deal with it. These skills come with maturity. Until she grows up, be good to yourself. Much love...
  • Cheeky

    I need to find a way to let go of the pain of their games that has become paralyzing. How are any of you coping with your life?
    • Disrespectful mother

      Get busy with things you love to do. Distraction is the only way to survive at some points in this life, even more so when dealing with an alienated AC. I had a lot of hobbies before, but now it's not just hobbies. They are my life! i would be happy to seeMoremy granddaughter, but since I can't, I do things for myself that she liked to do with me. Much love...
      • DN

        I get that...some things we can't change and I've almost lost hope...Distraction is key, although it sounds a bit naff...time flies with some creativity and you realize that helps...
  • TS

    So how does a parent stay in touch with an adult child if the child closes all known email accounts, doesn't provide a phone number, doesn't provide an address, and blocks the parent (me) on every known social media account? All this applies to the family of parents andMorefriends too. Any ideas?
    • LAMS

      No idea. The same happened here.
  • Hurt

    I never thought this could happen to me, I have always been there for all my children. I noticed a change in our daughter around middle school, drama set in. She would get upset, bring it to me if I sympathized with her, gave her my opinion, she wouldMorebe mad at me, maybe that's where it started. She's picked shitty guys so far, but we've always been the bad guys trying to get her to see that she could do better. When she was with her husband we tried to tell her that she could do better, she got engaged and because they didn't get our blessing, she moved out. The boys are a jerk but his mum was so supportive of course she would be she got a jewel we got crap! He was a loser, he and his dad weren't close, but his mother facilitated his enablement, she stuck to them like glue, going so far as to get a job my daughter worked at. Weirdly, I always felt like she stayed close to him so she could keep him from screwing things up. They got married, we put our feelings aside and accepted him after a few years of thinking, well at least he treats her well. Then a year ago he was caught cheating!! She and the kids moved to our house, he wanted a divorce! After two weeks, they suddenly got back together. (His mother had something to do with it) She has been mean to us ever since, saying that you didn't like him before, I should have known better to come to you, you won't support us! Duh, of course not, but the worst thing is, she doesn't even give us the respect to listen to us. At first I wasn't sure what I was thinking or feeling until I heard how cruel he was and it was more than one woman. Now she's minimizing it, I can't for all my life understand how she could take back a lying cheating husband and dump her parents who were right about him all along!! It hurts so much. She expects us to just take it back and never discuss it, or our feelings, or thoughts, or what we know. She is blind and naive and expects the same from us. I don't trust him at all but we are forced and bullied into accepting him to see her or the grandkids. She can't see how arrogant he is. In fact, a co-worker told someone he made the comment, "Wow that turned out pretty good, I got something on the side and got rid of her parents in the process, win-win!" I never told her that because it was in confidence was said, and she doesn't want to hear what we have to say anyway, so it wouldn't matter. This is terrible and affecting my health, I don't know what to do??
  • Mastic8

    What is interesting to me is that when marrying outside the faith, some religious parents reject a child and sometimes even mourn as if a death had occurred. Other parents throw a child out on the street when they find out they're gay. Still, I could imagine that both groupsMoresee that differently than what these kids are doing to their parents and I think there is a very big problem in that.
  • King Lopez

    I was a single father from when my daughter was 8 months old until she was 13 years old. She left my life and decided to live with her mother. As soon as this happened, I lost my daughter, her mother severely brainwashed her, and our relationship endedMoreI've tried to reach them, all I get is blocked. It's been two years that I haven't heard or seen her. I'm too old. I don't want her in my life anymore Even if she comes around in the future I don't think I could handle it, when she's by my side the trust is gone and she never gave me a chance to tell my side of the story tell. But it hurts because she's my only daughter.
  • Woobee

    Hi everyone, thank you for sharing your stories. Those of you who have relationships with some children and not others, do you have relationships with each other? How are you on vacation?

    I find myself withdrawing constant invitations to large family events. I don't want to be the only alienated child who feels left out when everyone else is here. I don't want to feel the absence of the one, so I just avoid the day. I also separate from my other children. I don't want to put them in between. I don't want divided loyalties, guilt, or commitments. I want to make a fucking mark on my experience as a mother and walk away.

    • Scharayah

      Wooboo I feel you! Holidays are the most painful of all. My sons have a relationship with me and with her. You have a Christmas with her and a Christmas with me. I know it's shaming but I don't feel like she deserves to have a special Christmas with herMoreher if she's the one who rejected me. She's always invited here, but she doesn't come. This will be my fourth Christmas without her. I dread Christmas and we don't care about Thanksgiving anymore. I have a wonderful relationship with my sons and I don't understand why she is distancing herself. She was always a difficult kid, but I did my best. It's so painful to see other parents make much worse mistakes than me and their kids still love them. Why why why?
    • I'm not good at surfing

      I'm doing the exact same thing and I know it's not healthy.
  • Heartbroken VA mother

    I have found that the last 3 years of estrangement mixed with angry, accusatory, false and hurtful accusations from my eldest daughter that I no longer want her in my life. It all started when she failed in college. It was somehow my fault that she didn't come to class.

    I love my daughter, don't get me wrong. But when she's not accusing me of being the worst mom in the world, she's using me as her personal ATM. She's not the girl I raised. The eligible person she has become makes me want not to be around her. As a mother, it makes me feel like a terrible person.

    As parents, we teach our children that they have no obligation to remain open and loving toward those who continue to abuse or reject us. I've continued to try to make sure that no stone is left unturned, but at some point I realize that for my own sanity, I need to stop trying.

    • Disrespectful mother

      I think we have the same daughter 😳
    • Margaret

      My daughter is 32 and also accuses me of being a horrible mother; abusive behavior when she was in high school etc etc. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I've been in therapy for a while. i take medication And so, yes, I came to the same conclusionMore-- that for my own sanity I must cease to regain a relationship with her. Every time I try to reach out my heart gets ripped out of my chest. My salvation is that her two younger brothers love me and assure me that I am a good mother etc. etc.
      • smash

        My 33 year old daughter is just like your Margaret. She has memories of abusive parenting at my hands that never happened. She just turned on us viciously. She also claims that I am not fit to be a grandparent and that I don't let my two young grandchildren see me.MoreMy husband and I are very loving, caring, gentle parents. None of their atrocities are justified. Unfortunately I'm retired at 63 and don't have health insurance. I can't afford to get help. And unfortunately...she is our only child. Sorry, I'm not trying to beat anyone's circumstances. Everyone in this chat seems to be hurting parents who don't deserve this treatment.
      • Scharayah

        Wow, I feel like you just told my story. In fact I had to check the name and wonder if I had written it and forgotten it. The only difference is that my daughter is 30. my heart goes out to you
    • Laurie

      Thank you for sharing your post. I'm going through this with my daughter now.
      • Right

        I've been estranged for years now and the pain won't let up. I know my 29 year old has unresolved feelings of anger about an event. I know she has that persistent blame-other gene of mine. I take it and feel responsible. I want to leaveMoreShe goes on and on but it's impossible as the connection with your children is always so strong. Luckily my son is nice to me and shows me a lot of love and compassion. When it first happened, it felt like a death, my own...

    What a pleasure to discover a new insight into a compelling and far-reaching parenting moment. Unfortunately, I have been estranged from my adult daughter for over 22 years. These insights have restored my intentions as well as my hopes to know MOST againMorePRECIOUS GIFT I EVER KNEW. I feel inspired by your work. Many Thanks
    • I'm not good at surfing

      Well over 10 years have passed for me and on some days I have completely lost hope for a reconciliation.
  • Can

    This cutting off is a pattern for my daughter whenever there is any form of disagreement or even discussion; it's really heartbreaking and sometimes i feel so overwhelmed it makes me sick. I feel unable to hold on. Just when I think soMorePattern is broken...she's doing it again. It's hurtful when she ignores events like birthdays, Christmas and possibly now her wedding in June....I bought her the wedding dress when "everything was fine"....she promised me she would find other ways to deal with her fear instead of cutting me off. I trusted it because I had no other choice. I've gotten to a point where I don't know if I can ever trust her again; or just forget the concept of trust and when she opens up again, just accept her with love. She's turning 30...this distance dancing is taking its toll on me...I'm turning 65...I don't have a spouse, I work in a remote area and I see my son now and then over time... He is very low key so there is no support there apart from him seeing me and we keep in touch via FB messenger. Deep down I feel like if I asked him about his sister he would also cut the umbilical with this conditional love touches me.
    • Brenda

      i'm in the same boat heartbreaking. I did my best to raise my children alone.
  • Alli

    In my great-grandparents' time, people often left their homes to look for better jobs or get married somewhere else. It was assumed that they would not see their parents again due to the cost of travel and shorter lifespans. People wrote letters. Maybe we should just lower our expectations and be happyMoreWe still have time to do our own thing. I'm still working on it, but I'm pretty happy because I'm choosing to accept the situation instead of waiting for permission to live. And no, I don't want to be on a voicemail and send unanswered messages for the rest of my life, so what? you don't have to have bad feelings?
  • In them

    I have been an estranged mother of 3 out of 4 children for over 16 years. I called them on Christmas 2002 to wish them a Merry Christmas and the phone hung up. I still have no idea why. I can guess this and that, but nothing reallyMoremakes sense. I divorced their father many years ago and at the time he said that he would make sure that once they grew up they would never have anything to do with me again. I found out that he told my oldest son's girlfriend that I hate her. I certainly don't. This young lady finally left my son one Christmas Eve, but not before telling me that I was not my son's mother and that I would grow old with all the hatred of my children. So that's two of them predicting this, and then comes number 3. My brother. It was so bad that after the death of my own mother, whom I cared for during her last illness, a separate post-funeral gathering was arranged, to which everyone except a few neighbors and my cousins ​​went. The neighbors were genuinely shocked when I complied with my mother's request to hold the after-meetings at her chosen location, which was printed on the funeral order. I suppose whatever has been said about me by all three is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I've tried to keep in touch on birthdays and Christmas but after all these years it doesn't seem to make any sense, it just punishes me even more. One person here commented that it's like a death and that's how I see it. I have a grandchild that I've never seen, only heard of and I'm pretty sure my son's father said I was dead. I don't know for sure but in the absence of any information it is more than plausible. Or maybe I was portrayed as a mythical ogre. I have accepted that I will never see any of them again, so I consider them dead and just get on with my own life. Animals and birds are the children I don't have, they don't hurt anyone. I certainly don't blame myself, I tried to leave the door open but the door is now closed. At some point you have to stop obsessing over things you have no control over. I see it this way, it's her loss.
    • I'm not good at surfing

      i am where you are It was like death. My door is closed - I'm not trying anymore. I just focus on creating a good future for myself.
    • question

      It sounds like we have the same ex-husband. He always said, "I'll take these guys away from you". He couldn't get custody in court, but he certainly poisoned the well. It's heartbreaking. I'm not having much luck getting over this.
  • Roxella

    I read an article that said that when the daughter/son gets married, there is a degree of alienation. Here's my story. My 32 year old daughter and I were close until she met her now husband. We spoke on the phone a few times a day and everything was fine.

    She met this man who I immediately disliked in my gut but pretended to be for her sake. One night he called me on her phone and he, not realizing I was listening, called her a slut, slut, whore, liar, cheater, stupid, etc. don't hear me. She came by afterwards and said she would come back to him. I just walked away after asking her not to go back to this abuser.

    Time flies... 3 kids later. Now she's quit her high-paying job because he told her to. He's had 18 jobs in the last 3 years and it's always someone else's fault for leaving.

    She has to beg dhs and everyone else to get money for the kids.

    He put a gun to her head. She put him in jail and 2 weeks later she gets him out on bail.

    He introduced heroine to the family and now they both steal for money. She has multiple charges as well as him for theft. No decent car, no insurance, child protection services were called and told it was fine to have a generator to have power as long as there were groceries in the cupboards.

    Stupidly I gave her 2,000 to find a lawyer and get her charges fixed after taking her to the clean up and detox and now...she didn't go to the lawyer but screwed up the 2,000 for who knows what.

    Today I found out that her daughter had a Christmas competition at school that his mom and dad were invited to, but I wasn't.

    We were going to go shopping for the kids for Christmas today and when the husband found out she threw a tantrum and said no...we're going...not your mom.

    She's either so abused and afraid to argue.

    Or I don't care how I feel. I've decided I'm done. Lies, gossip and gossip can't keep me in the small town we live in because of the thefts.

    Not to blame the man she is married to because she has her own mind, but things were fine in her life before this man who banished everyone but his family from the home and his wife the state or makes other people beg for money for someone Others should support the family. Working is just something he doesn't like and with her record no one would hire her now. If the police stopped the car she would end up in jail and has 3 young children.

    I'm done. she is old enough Never so thoughtless and hurtful. Abused, no self esteem. But I can't imagine being in a relationship with a man who does this to my daughter and she loves him.

    Just hurt and breathe. Thanks for listening.

    • peace seekers

      Roxella – My husband and I also have a daughter who is constantly in relationships with highly abusive men. She is currently in her fourth relationship of this kind. We spent our retirement accounts entirely (and probably foolishly) paying for her legal fees (and other expenses) when she didMoreEscape from her former abusive husband. We did it to protect her and her child and to help her get back on her feet. We thought she might be turning a corner, but then she suddenly entered another abusive relationship and once again completely cut us off. There has been nothing but silence from her for the past five years. I am concerned for them and especially for the safety (both physical and emotional) of the children. But that's all we can do. Now we need to focus on recovering financially from everything we gave her so we can retire - we're both in our 60s. We also need to focus on our four other wonderful children and three other grandchildren. Still, the sadness doesn't go away, especially for me.
  • Joanette

    Just found this page. Thank God I'm not alone in the grief of being estranged from my children.
  • Heidi

    My 27 year old daughter moved home to college 2.5 years ago. Her father was not in her life as a child but he and I have been reunited for 8 years now, much to our daughter's chagrin. She recently revealed that she only hasMore"joined in" for my sake - I always knew she would never really open up to him, but I was hoping they could at least have a long-term relationship. nope She has been causing so much tension in our home lately and just her presence prevents him and I from being our true loving selves in our relationship as we know how much she doesn't like him - I tend to get off to distance him when she's around. I've balanced the two for so long that I'm exhausted and have made the decision to no longer let her control my life. I let her know that she can't dictate who I love or who I let in my own house. She will move in with my parents (who support me not to trample my life). But as a result, she told me "Mom, if you let him stay, you'll never see me again". We are yet to speak in person at this point as this has all collapsed over the past 5 days - but I will see her tomorrow to discuss things - that is if she is going to speak to me at all. But I will make it clear how much I love her and that I will always be there for her - but that it is time for her to live her life and let me live mine. That it's my hope that this schism doesn't happen... but she needs to separate her life from mine. My heart breaks. Her father - although he had some struggles with addictions during her childhood - has been on the right track for over 10 years and is doing well. He and I are happy as a couple. But our family dynamic between the three of us is in the gutter. She simply refuses to open up to him. She has been giving counseling sessions for years. I thought it might have helped because apparently she was fine that he and I dated for a while...turns out she just figured out how to fake it.
  • your hero

    If you treat alienation like death, you will eventually heal. A death can be sudden, difficult to deal with, and irreversible. You still love the person but you know you will never see them again, hold them again, hear them speak to you again.MoreThat means life must go on. All 2 adults should realize that there are NO guarantees in adult life. You cannot make someone change, love you, or want to be in your life. This also works both ways. When we get caught up in things we cannot change, we allow ourselves to be controlled by circumstances that are interfering with our own way of life. For me I closed the door, but every now and then I see the climax of the stranger coming in again. It gets old and opens the wounds from time to time, but then I close the cracked door again so she can't get in.
    • peace seekers

      JusHero, I too must treat the alienator with great caution. I've had two heart attacks, both diagnosed as Broken Heart Syndrome. There is nothing wrong with my heart physiologically, but it can fail when subjected to extreme grief. I love this "kid"Morewith all my heart and soul, which is why it's asking so much of me. Unfortunately, she has become dangerous to me. If I'm going to stay alive for the rest of my loving family - and for myself - I have to be very, very careful.
  • 2 adult children at home with 1 spouse

    Hello, I have been married for 35 years and my husband has cheated many times and the last time I blamed myself. Things are better with him and me, but he helped lay a poor foundation for our grown children (society already drives them to hate parents). I haveMorehad enough and threatened to leave. I'm tired of being on eggshells. I also want a divorce even though our relationship is better than ever. but i have to explain to him that the kids ignore me and he says he doesn't see it. so for me it's abusive everywhere. I am not sure how I will be leaving and am looking for a room to rent.
  • Heartbroken and alive

    My 30 year old daughter has been almost estranged from me for over 8 years. I say almost because she occasionally responds to a text message. My son and I are close. They were brought up the same. I loved and love them both, I raised them alone. myMoreFamily was not involved, children disturbed them. Now that my daughter is older, she says she has chosen to develop a close relationship with my mother and sister, rather than me. She made things up about me to hurt me on purpose, and the three of them are now making plans without me. We all live in separate states. This will add more months between our meetings, which is usually when she announces when she will be with my mom, and I can plan to see her then. My ex, her father, took his own life in 2010. It was awful, we got divorced when she was 4, he was a drug addict, loved us and saw her yearly until she was 17 and lived with him for 6 months. My daughter became more estranged from me afterwards. She is now 30 and getting married next July. She told her fiancé's family a year ago without my knowledge that I could not afford their wedding. That's not true, and I have yet to meet her. Then they gave the children a huge sum of money to pay for their wedding and more. This year was the 2nd year in a row that my daughter didn't recognize me on Mother's Day. She's been in a lot of therapy over the years, as have I. I agree that no amount of therapy today can help with alienation. I've been told to cut her off etc. I don't bother her, I text every week to say I love her and hope she's ok. Sometimes she responds, sometimes not. I mourn our loss of closeness almost every day. More months pass. I then turn to the reasons I have to live and try not to project this sadness onto my son who is very close to me and has lived in the thick of it for a long time, it hurts him a lot too. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I've done my best and my daughter is doing pretty well, preparing for graduation and marriage. I'm invited to her wedding and I'm not sure if I should go or not. I feel like she thinks she needs to invite me, not that she even likes me or wants me there. I have 2 young women on my team at work who are also getting married. They are so excited to share everything with me and both involve their mothers in the planning etc. I feel like an outsider with my daughter. I know I will regret not going and will try to just keep it together and not bring it up at all about me and the estrangement so my daughter can enjoy her day and be thankful that I was invited in the first place. I'm sorry this is so long. For parents who have tried so hard, worked hard to support their children, genuinely love children, especially their own, and later are treated by the person who raised them as if they don't even know them, my heart breaks for you. It will never heal. And there is no relief. Just existing one day at a time and trying to push the sadness aside when you have the opportunity to spend time with your other child(ren). Right now I'm choosing to be thankful that I've had my daughter in my life for so long and try to be happy knowing that I've done my best to help her grow into a strong, independent woman educate, and she seems to be doing fine. I hope the best for any parents going through this and that you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. My dream was to get married, have a couple of kids, and be a close, loving family. I can't even imagine the reality that became my actual young life. 30 years later it is my decision how I want to continue my life without my daughter. And it's a lot, one slow day at a time. Best for everyone.
    • MimiDee

      I'm sorry for your pain and the confusion that comes with being cut off without explanation. As your mommy heart breaks, I feel the same pain too. My only answer and peace comes when I seek comfort from my husband and when I share my sorrows with other women.MoreFinally, and moreover, I know that my daughter is a Christian, and eventually God will judge that. This is my hope and prayer for you.
    • your hero

      Heartbroken, your story sounds like mine except my daughter dumped me after the wedding. She got her Masters, got married and had a child. She threw me through the loop when my father was on his deathbed. Talk about kicking me when we were all down. Grandpa finishedMoresurvive but the relationship has been on the brink for almost 2 years now. My grandson is now 1.5 years old and I've seen him less than 1 handful of times. I gave up about a year ago and out of the blue she calls me and we saw each other a few times and then it started again but more of a walking on eggshell situation. Felt like do what I say or I will do it again. So I decided to just go ahead and punish myself again and I remain very aloof. When and if, and that's a big fat, if she decides to come back into our lives, she'll have to come back very apologetically, and there will be some reluctance until she proves herself. Am I missing out on being a grandparent? For me NO! Cannot be a grandparent if the child does not want it. I don't worry about what ifs. Life must go on and it will! Don't focus on what you've lost, focus on what you have and try to forget the things you don't have. I'm still a little hurt, but I hate to define who I am and what life I have left.
      • I'm not good at surfing

        Jushero, I totally agree with you. Although it is painful, I also moved on. My focus now is joy and wonderful friends!
  • fire hard

    I was the one who cut out my daughter. She is addicted to drugs. She's ripped me off enough. I told her not to come back until she got help. It's been years now. I know that she is often homeless. I'm praying for her, but she's 40, soMoreuntil she wants help, there really isn't much I can do.
  • Lori

    OMG the fact that there are 758 comments on this article says it all. First time ever that I saw support for my situation and understanding. I have lived in guilt, shame and confusion, accepting all the blame for my 18 year old daughter's complaints about me.MoreI've been entangled, trying to "fix" and "rescue" my daughter from emotional pain, supporting her, trying to take responsibility for it, helping her deal with her emotions, giving her so much, tried to do so many mother-daughter things, travelling, massage, pedicures etc., taking the blame for her aches and shortcomings, fighting her struggles, not arguing her lawsuits against me, knowing they were her reality understood the underdeveloped coping ability in the adolescent brain, gave in sadly when chores weren't done etc., gave a lot of praise for things not done well, always told her how much I loved her and how amazing she was, and me was reported for child abuse! As I've tried to validate what I did wrong, I see that I raised a child that I tried to make happy and who is angry at me for not making them happy. I can no longer deal with guilt, shame and criticism and have switched off completely - it's not my style and it's not voluntary. I was told by a counselor to "get over it". Maybe this site can help me get through this and get by without my heart bleeding all over the place. I've sucked it up and turned the other cheek so many times there's none left.
    • Morgan12

      I'm glad I found people who have an alienated or dysfunctional relationship with a child. I'll talk about my relationship with my daughter later, but it's so good to have a place to let it all out
    • I'm not good at surfing

      It's so sad that this message board exists - but I'm so glad it exists! I read every message and it helps me deal with the pain and shame. My heart goes out to every person here, I wish I could give one to every single one hereMorebig hug!
  • find meaning

    I, too, am a parent who has experienced separation from an adult child. I have a very close relationship with my other two children, my parents, my extended family and my in-laws. My family didn't understand the shutdown, so my son stopped it too. He does not currently speak to anyone in our family or to many of his friends. The split came after he married his current wife at the age of 31. Before that we had a very close relationship. His wife seems quite insecure and has accused me of doing things I didn't do. She accused me of doing things that weren't true at the wedding and I got angry and told my son to stay out of my life if he and she were disrespectful. He did, even though I didn't mean it and said it out of anger and have apologized many times since. There were issues with the dynamic with his new wife and that blew up at the wedding. We loved her and accepted her, but she assumed negative things that weren't true.

    This situation was very painful for me and also disturbing. Probably one of the most challenging things I've ever dealt with. So I tried to use it to learn and grow as a person. One thing I've thought about is the fact that I really didn't want to have children. However, when it happened, I really made my kids everything in my life. I did everything for her and was always there for her. They had everything they ever needed, bought them cars, paid for college, helped them buy houses and always gave money when needed. But I'm surprised at my feelings about not wanting children and resentment that my son doesn't appreciate everything I've done for him. He and his new wife were very disrespectful to me at their wedding, but I shouldn't have reacted so angry. Could my deep grudges have come out? I hate thinking about it because my relationship with my two other children and my grandson is the most important thing in my life, apart from my relationship with my husband. These feelings are so contradictory and confusing.

    After giving this some thought and then reading Jake's comments on this thread, I think the selfish entitlement of some young adults is annoying to many baby boomers who have wasted so much on their children. We spoiled her, let's face it. We wanted to be the very best parents and give them everything, a trophy for every game mentality. I resent my son for not appreciating everything I've done. Also, I resent him because I could have had my own life, but I chose to raise him instead and sacrifice everything I could have done with my life to give everything to him.

    I'm writing this because I'm wondering if all the pain and devastation we feel when our grown, entitled, selfish, millennial children cut us off is really doing us a favor? We are old, but we still have several years to live our own lives without facing all their dramas and hardships. We still have time to enjoy what we want and focus on ourselves for a change. Perhaps the emphasis on having your children in your life is engineered by our society. It's really to their advantage when you think about it. I don't need him to take care of me and there are so many other people in the world who would be grateful for what I could offer them.

    I have decided to change the narrative of our society. We must let our children go and live their own lives. We created them to be selfish and entitled and now we have to live with them. They will never be there for us the way we were for our own parents. But that's okay, because their demands are through the roof and their lack of respect is soul-sucking. We take responsibility for and live to enjoy what we missed by having and raising them. Maybe that's a rationalization, but I'm starting to wonder if there's a more sane way to deal with this type of behavior.

    The narrative of parents who must have adult children in their lives desperately places our adult children in a position of power. Being entitled, selfish, arrogant individuals, they use the power to the fullest and punish us if we don't conform to what they want. This performance gap is ridiculous! What do we think? This is just more of what we did by spoiling them so much as children. We all need to break this codependency cycle. For my part, I'm working on refocusing my brain on my own life. I admit it's hard after 35 years to focus solely on my children's well-being, but I believe in myself that I can do it and go back to that idealistic person who was 22 and had so many plans had for her life!

    • Racing car

      How can you say that in a more constructive way? I got in touch in early June and July regarding my daughter's visit. She never answered. I know she checks email and other social media every hour! These are my RAW feelings:

      If you haven't changed your email address, which I doubt, I understand; I'm not stupid.

      As much as it pains me to say this, why am I not letting you initiate visits and conversations from now on? If you would like us to come let us know; I won't ask to come. We won't bother you as I feel like I'm a bother to you. I would really like to be involved as much as possible in the lives of X, Y and Z and yours too. You don't stop loving your children and wanting the best for them when they reach a certain age. Try to imagine yourself in 20 years. Try to think of the relationship you have with me as the relationship you have with one of your children... YES... it sucks.

      I can no longer take the pain of your rejection or indifference. So...I won't try any longer. If you want that relationship, you have to reach for it yourself.

      I love you and want to be in your life. The door has always been open... just walk through.


      NOTICE to the community; I have no idea what I did to make my daughter not want to be with us. I do not get it. She was given everything she wanted (maybe that was it). As far as I know, there were no negative influences from my husband or me (no abuse, no alcoholism, no other junk - just loving, supportive parents who had their own flaws - NORMAL).

    • Margaret

      That's an interesting perspective. My 32-year-old daughter turned against me, hates me, etc. The thing is, I'm definitely not a codependent guy. I have two other sons. I don't need to be in constant touch or know everything they're doing. But having my daughter speak real hate to me (from California; I'm in CT) is devastating.

      I have thought a lot about what I expect from my children. I want them to be happy. That's it. I want them to live their own lives. You all are. But my daughter backtracks from time to time with all sorts of twisted accusations. My own therapist suspects that she has developed a personality disorder.

      It just hurts. But I see your point. The only thing we can do is keep going. Many Thanks.

    • Nickyboy130

      I too feel exactly the way you described it. I've lived my life through her. My son now feels that entitlement. I feel I have no power to change this. It hurts like hell to be cut off. He called me a soul sucker because I loved him and did what was best forMoreI feel so mentally exhausted that I'm trying to do the right thing. I think what you said, changing the narrative is the best option now.
    • Nicole

      This is probably the best advice I've heard from the same situation I'm having. I copy and paste it. These kids are out of control and I'm not feeding their narcissistic behavior.
  • your hero

    After dealing with an estranged daughter for some time, I realized that what matters most is the child's situation. If your child is self-sustaining and has their life in order, then leave them alone. Live and let live. Most pain is in your head, which means you create the pain. You had a life before them and you should have a life after them when it comes to alienation. There is nothing you can do about it and trying will most likely make things worse. Leave her alone and time will tell. It hurts (as I know and still going through it. Daughter comes back sometimes and then distances herself. Seems to flush and repeat.) but it's adult life you deal with. You have the final say, just as you only do for your life. It takes time to get used to, but once you realize something, life goes on no matter what.

    For my current situation. I will not walk on eggshells, nor will I ask to be in my daughter's (grandson's) life. I leave her alone and sometimes don't think about her until someone brings her up. I get on with my life and focus on my wife and son. She wants to come back into my life for a while. Each time I hesitate but I let her in anyway (it's my child and now grandson too) then for some reason she distances herself again and keeps herself and the grandson away. I just get on with my life and leave her alone. It took a while, but (mostly) I don't let it bother me anymore and I accept it. It's hard to get close to my granddaughter when she decides to have me in her life because I know she will make it where we don't see each other for a long time. As I said, I've learned not to let it consume my life as my life is far more important than someone who doesn't want to be in it. I have another child (giving me the love that the other lost), a wife, a job, it all leads to "One Life" outside of estrangement. Cheer up and don't make your adult child the only thing in your life worth living for.

    • Morgan12

      Thank you for what you had to say. I am in and out with my daughter and my new 8 month old granddaughter in the same situation that after 8 months they see and help take care of them quit their job and go back filming at their grandparents homeMorethis has been her pattern since she was 16
  • Twilight Zone Mama

    Keep checking in on holidays and let them know you care about me and I've received a protection order! I am totally shocked by all of this.

    First of all, my son is married and his wife hates me. I've tried to do things to let her know that I make her feel welcome in our family, but she's coming from total dysfunction. A mother who overdosed on cocaine twice and a mad father who started his own religion. My son along with his 2 brothers and I were very close and had a wonderful relationship. Relations with my other 2 are still wonderful. But the eldest married a highly insecure and controlling woman who said she would cut me out of her life and persevered. That's what she told a mutual friend a few years ago.

    So he broke the communicator with us before Thanksgiving. I left them a voicemail and invited them to have at least one dessert with us. Do not answer. Christmas came, I left a voicemail asking if we could meet up and talk, nothing. I left him and her Christmas presents and cookies on their doorstep. No Answer. On his birthday I sent a card and called. Again nothing. Then in April, while walking my dog, I stopped at their gate when their dogs were outside. They had moved into my neighborhood where I've lived for almost 10 years. I said hello to the dogs and went home. The woman then started texting me to stay away and if I came back she would call the police. I stopped walking past her house. A week later I received a protection order. One of the allegations was that I left Christmas presents and cookies! This is so absurd, even I believe it. The worst thing was that the stupid judge gave him the protection order. I'm taking action now. But I'm confused by this turn of events. I feel like my son has been brainwashed or is mentally ill. I'm so confused how this happened. So telling someone to keep in touch can backfire

  • knitting fork

    My relationship with my daughter has always been a struggle. She has cheated on me many times since she was a young adult. During a terrible custody battle, she served as a mole for my ex and wrote a letter full of lies to help my ex get full custody of my 10 year old son. He got custody and the letter she wrote told me how miserable my child was at the home and how badly he was being treated. (Mind you she lived in my house and so did my eldest son; but they were almost grown, I was making good money and he wanted to take care of the youngest so he could get child support). The letter was the point that struck the judges. And my ex was awarded full custody and $1,000 a month in child support. I was devastated. She did this because he promised to send her half of what he took in child support. She was upset with my new husband who had NOTHING to do with the breakup. I did not remarry for six years after divorcing my first husband. She got mad at being restricted for sneaking out of the house and accused my new husband of staring at her in a sexual way when he actually went into the room to see if she was actually asleep as she would go to bed fully dressed and slip off when we're asleep. I asked my husband if any of this was true and he said no. I believed him because she tried to create problems with us. I almost cut her off forever as she worked with her father to wreak havoc on my family.

    Years went by and there were so many times that she got mad at me for no apparent reason and just stopped talking to me. She was cheating on her husband and she knew I would not condone it. I told her to leave if she wasn't happy as her husband was a great guy. He ended up keeping their daughter for a few months when he finally told her to go. But this is another story.

    Now she made up a bs story about my youngest son, her half brother, who constantly helped her and my other son with their children. It's so disgusting and of course none of it is true. If she doesn't hit me or try to ruin her brother's life, she's not happy. My oldest son cut them off years ago.

    The advice to reach out and always keep the lines of communication open doesn't work for me. I'm done with that. It took a toll on my ability to even want to socialize, and quite frankly, she almost broke my heart this time. I gave everything. I helped her with her daughter, I even paid for my granddaughter's private school. I still have a great relationship with my eldest and youngest sons. I will be grateful to them and never look back. I can't do this anymore and frankly we only get so many spins around the sun. The energy I'm giving doesn't fit the other side, it's time to let go.

    • 99 % rein

      Good for you. heh An interesting double would be to sue her for defamation and defamation given endless legal resources - but that's a "deferral" fantasy, and you don't need it. Good for you.
    • I'm not good at surfing

      I'm with you, I closed the door. Getting in touch backfired on me too.
  • Estranged Mom

    My children decided to leave me 4.5 years ago. It was extraordinarily cruel and degrading, they lied to get their father custody, the court did nothing to prevent this tragedy and their narcissistic father kept them away from me the whole time. But 2 of themMoreare now 18 and even though my eldest suddenly claims i'm just a nasty person when she was originally the one who wanted to see me in therapy my middle daughter has said with a vengeance she would see me but she would see her father lose, and she knows it's wrong, but it is and she doesn't want to be left by him like I was, never mind. They wanted to be free and that meant they had to grow up very quickly in a home where they were neglected. Everything they lied about and blamed me for became their reality. But they're so wrapped up in their twisted father's control that they're basically displaying Stockholm Syndrome. My youngest wants to go home, I know as it's been a year since our last secret contact, but I know my daughter and I can feel her sadness even from afar. New attorney but he's slow playing the game in the courtroom and it would be a lot easier if one of my older daughters even spoke to me and gave me more up to date information and I've had no luck. i'm tired of waiting I miss her so much. She misses her little sister so much.
  • nature woman

    HELLO. New here on this site. I am estranged from both my son and daughter. Nevertheless, I keep in touch from time to time. From what I have heard here from the author/Dr. I've read it, I realize it was great advice. But I have a problem doing it. Keep that door open, keep trying. It's very stressful and keeps me from living my life. I'm in knots all the time. I have panic attacks all the time. Especially when I'm trying to fall asleep. The lack of good sleep and healthy diet makes me so tired all day. I can't achieve anything so tired. Cannot exercise, work or have fun.

    When I talk to my children about problems in the relationship or how I feel deeply disrespected, I make sure to remain calm and not attack them. I'm just sharing how what they did hurt me. But it's always turned around on me. Or they say they don't remember. They yelled at me too. Here is just one example. Mother's Day. I'm not into gifts, but I love hearing from them and saying Happy Mother's Day MOM. Once I heard NOTHING from my son. (at least I thought so). It was later in the day so my husband and I just went out. He calls at 4:30 p.m. I just felt bad that he forgot. I DID NOT GET angry. Just wanted to express myself. He yelled at me and said, "Well, I guess I'll have to call first thing in the morning." That's just one example of what it's like for him. It's very hurtful. An example from my daughter. We planned a trip TOGETHER. I wanted to fly to her, rent a car. I wanted to meet her boyfriend. I suggested my daughter make dinner for him. This trip was planned by both of us. We didn't have any problems then. I was so excited. As soon as I got there, my daughter asked if she could stop by to see her boyfriend. ?? I found that strange. But I said SAFE...I wanted to be easygoing to get by. Then she called me to ask if she could borrow my rent to take her boyfriend's MOM out to dinner?????? Didn't even invite me...that was our first day together. That's what I do with my kids. THRY are now 32 & 28. Same thing happens as DAS. So of course it's something THAT is so painful that I don't know how to have her in my life.

    • knitting fork

      Your daughter sounds as heartless as my daughter. The only reason I was ever invited to do anything with her or my middle son was so I could pay the bill. You haven't spoken to me or interacted with me. They left me with the kids while they went outside and smoked. When dinner was over, the kids would be dropped off at my house to go to the movies, shop, or have a drink at a bar.

      I don't need it in my life. I'm over it you don't need it I do not need it.

  • LBH

    My 20 year old daughter lives with her boyfriend and his toxic low life family. She has been mocking and taunting her family for 3 years. We took it and took it and took it and finally we couldn't take it anymore. We were a normal family of 4,Morewhere everything was handed to her on a silver platter. She moved out when she was 18 1/2 and said her childhood was so terrible. The worst thing we did was sit her down at the age of 17 when she got into weed and a toxic crowd and warned her it was destroying her life, which she said was horrific as experimenting with drugs " be normal”. Well we were right. She has completely ruined her life with her disastrous decisions and is now estranged from her family because of her constant taunting. She just said she doesn't want to be a part of this "Psycho" family. She has no job, no college, lives in a toxic environment, lies in bed all day. She blames us because she doesn't have a car - which we bought her a year ago - (which her boyfriend broke for drinking). She says we have the means to help her and won't do it, although I have offered to take her until she and her boyfriend earn enough for a car, but she said she doesn't want to be treated like a 15 year old will. She has also made terrible and untrue allegations against her father, for which she has never apologized, although she admitted to her brother and me that it was a lie. She calls me and is kind half the time and cruel half the time. I am bullied by my own daughter but I still love her very much because I know she has problems. She refuses therapy, even though she goes to a quack who graduated from a second-rate Caribbean university and prescribes all these drugs - whatever she wants. I told her to get a second opinion from a true professional, but she refuses. This affects me physically as I have lost a lot of weight and my head is spinning with anxiety every day. I cry every day that she will see the light and get help. The holidays are coming up and that stresses me out even more as my husband doesn't want anything to do with her. He just wants her to have therapy and when she gets better he will welcome her back into the family. Can anyone give any advice on this situation?
    • 99 % rein

      Posted on May 27th, 2022. Not so good that her husbands wanted nothing more to do with her. ALWAYS back to the mother. Depending on whether or not the situation has changed since you wrote it, if you are sure about the quack, you may report him or her to your State Board of Licensure.

      I think your daughter's behavior parallels mine at this age (minus the drugs). One thing would have helped: to be hired by the company that employed my father instead of going to college first - (not necessary for an entry-level job there) - yes - that's a big deal; and even a person who believes in me and that I could do something with my life - someone who has nothing to do with me at this point - not a therapist. Therapy came later, too late, and of course it never helped to make up for many lost years - actually a whole life lost that need not have been lost. I feel for you both.

  • DaytonaNative

    After 10 years of the estrangement game, her comings and goings in my life, I finally said enough when she turned 30 and became estranged again at the lowest point in my life. I've finally decided that she's mature enough to endure this nowMoreconsequences of their decisions. Nor can I deal with the repeated heartbreak and grief at death living I go through every time she has done this. It still hurts but I've decided to finally move on with my life without her, I've finally come to terms with the fact that she won't know anything more about me until the day she receives news of my death and I'll be gone then hurt more. I received a book to help me called Done With The Crying, Help and Healing for Mothers (and for Fathers) of Adult Exstranged Children, by Sheri McGregor, and I am a member of several online support groups. I've begged my child's forgiveness multiple times during the good times we've talked and asked her never to be estranged again, and yet it's happening again. I freely admit that there have been times when in discipline I have spoken to her too harshly and spanked her too many times, but there have been many more times I have loved her, given in to her, encouraged her and told her that it didn't matter what she did (she could be a serial killer) that I would always love her. She decides to only remember the bad sides and the only explanation I've ever gotten from her is that I scare her, which aligns with some of the points in your article. I have decided that if there is ever to be reconciliation, it must be, to come and do the steps... after several years of trying and repeating behaviors, despite all I have tried to listen, am I take responsibility and acknowledge how I made her feel, it didn't make a difference. I'm not a controlling mom, the first time she told me to say goodbye to her life I did that because I had a controlling mom and I remembered how I felt when she tried to change my life to micromanage, and I swore to myself at the time that I would never do that to my daughters. I'm not a dramatic person who wants 24/7 attention or anything like a narcissist, but I went through many personal struggles as I was abused growing up and never loved by my own father, so I looked for love in relationships It was always chaos that way. She was loved by her father and always had him an active part of her life as I made sure of that knowing how it felt not to have a father who loves me. It still didn't matter. Life has no manual, you have no say in the family you're born into and you do best with the hand that's been given to you and sometimes hurts people, hurts other people. My mother hurt me but I was never estranged from her, I respected and loved her and was able to forgive her through the years of my own adult struggle to find out that not everything is black and white and she was also a recipient of abuse on many levels, so she didn't have an ideal education to pass on to me either. But I must be expected to be the June Cleaver of parents or my whole year of love, sacrifice and dreams will be stolen from an entitled child who feels I owe her June Cleaver even though I June Cleaver never had as a mother and could be something I wasn't taught, nurtured or trained! I'm imperfect, I've made mistakes, but I've never abused my daughter, if ever, I stood up for her, gave her things I never got, and loved her with my deepest capacity to love, just for me facing aging alone and being shunned and not being able to know my grandson. This is something that needs to come out and be talked about, just like the other injustices and things that are happening in our society in hopes that maybe one day we can make this epidemic something that for most of us will be history and is not current reality. I am thankful for blogs like this, groups like this.....Thanks for letting me share!
    • T-town mom

      My experiences were similar. She was always very clingy and has had an overwhelming separation anxiety since birth. So we did everything together. I tried my best to help her be brave...sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I felt like I always neglected her older brother because she was very clingy. While she was in elementary school, she hung out with her brother. bless him As a grown man, we have a strong respectful relationship. He is 31 and she is 29.

      I did my best to be June Cleaver, but June didn't have a full-time job outside of the home, nor did she have a husband with bipolar issues and OCD, so my time was more limited, but I still managed to play sports with her committees , drive them everywhere and make their childhood and youth as smooth as possible. I even switched school districts to be closer to home in hopes that it would ease her anxiety. She was in 6th grade. And she did.

      Her father was having an affair and so we broke up after 27 years together - she was 22 and living with her husband. I met a lovely man five years ago and we got married two years ago. I am very happy. She's not happy with my remarriage. My son hugged my husband because he sees how good he is to me. She hasn't and flinches every time I try to make her understand that this relationship is "God-sent" to me. One of my husband's sons also treats me the way my daughter treats my husband... distant, tolerant, reserved and suspicious. Most people say it's about inheritance and that having a "stepparent" means "everything is shared again" - but it goes much deeper. It seems this is pretty "normal" even among my friends who have remarried after a long previous marriage, but that's a whole different conversation.

      She is very controlling. I can only text. I can't have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with her husband's family, but I can go to ball games or have casual lunch with them. Sometimes I think it's about her mother-in-law - the mother-in-law is frustrated with the "lack of grandchildren". Sometimes I think it's her embarrassment about me. I really don't know why I'm embarrassed. I'm educated, pretty, kind, friendly and happy. I love deeply and cry easily. I love her and her husband. My heart hurts knowing she doesn't like me. When she left home, I told her that as a grown woman, I would meet my mother for dinner once a week and we would talk the whole time. I enjoyed being friends with her and knowing her as a woman, not just in the role of my mother. She replied: "We will never be friends". I really don't know why.

  • H mom

    Hello, our ED will be turning 21 very soon and her first since we estranged (her choice not ours). We bought birthday cards for us and his younger brother which was really difficult due to the verses in them but I'm wondering if zu will send them as herMoresent a text message to Bet Brother this week calling us (her parents) your mum and dad. Any advice would be appreciated, only to add that it's only been seven months
  • Trina

    Candace - You posted a reply to this article. Comment back in March. As a sponsor in a support group (for alienated parents), what advice would you give to an alienated parent because you disagree with the author's advice? I am estranged from my two adult children andMorewould like to hear some affective and alternative solutions. Every situation is different, I know, but everyone here is alienated. They don't believe in these special techniques. What would you then integrate into your group? Should we leave them alone forever?
    • Candace

      I recommend in my support group that estranged parents focus on themselves and the family members and friends who have remained faithful to them. Work on self-awareness (knowing who you are). Doing this will remove the stigma of alienation that society places on you. Other parents are afraid that this will happenMorethem, and so they judge you or evade the subject. As I've said before, don't "chase" adult children who refuse to communicate. If you receive casual communication, do not accept a conversation that does not show mutual respect. Tell them you'll be happy to talk to them if they can be respectful. If the estrangement is caused by a daughter-in-law/son-in-law, this is a sign that your adult child is in a bad marriage. This will be your adult child's problem to solve. It's a pathological dance between your adult child and their spouse. If you know (and you know) that you were a good parent overall (all parents make mistakes), then there's no need to blame a misguided child. It's ripe to admit mistakes, but being the scapegoat isn't productive in any way. This will only result in the accusing person having more power over you, and you'll be walking on eggshells again... leading to an episodic alienation that can be more heartbreaking than no contact alienation. And I will tell you that the mental health field is still in the dark times when it comes to family alienation and parental alienation. They often give more bad advice than good advice. I do not recommend therapy to understand alienation. I recommend peer support from others who have experienced alienation.
      • Where is your support group?

        Ich bin in California South County
  • your hero

    I have read many of your stories and share the pain and sorrow you all have. Since all circumstances are a little different, most have the same result. Nonetheless, raising a child you loved and cared for will always hurt when they selfishly disown a parent or parents. Is it me, is it you? I say no, it's society and it's a sign of the times. It seems that it is generally (but not always) the daughter who performs the denial.

    As a father I deal with this every day and I realize there is not much I can do but live my life and care for those who are in it and want to be in it.

    For me it's my daughter. I've been in her life since she was born. Her mom and I divorced when she was 5 (my fault = cheating) but her mom and I have been equally part of her life ever since. I went to all the school functions, church functions (first baptism and such), had her a few nights a week and every other weekend, paid for college to get her masters, paid for her marriage and then 2 years later came out me out of her life.

    A few things came out that she holds on to = In her junior and senior year I missed maybe 2-3 swim competitions out of almost 100 in her swimming life. I missed a second baptism when she came out of college and met her husband and decided to be baptized in another religion. Over a year ago Grandpa was on his deathbed from heart failure and I was called to visit him and my daughter went too. That day, my daughter decided to carry it through with me, and the denial started from there. Most of it is from $ (when she got married at 25 I told her that her husband is now financially responsible for her and her) and the other is my personality which she told me. She also mentions the few things I missed and then tells me I didn't go to any of hers except for a few things. When I say I've been there for my daughter, I've been there for her about almost everything, and deep down she knows it.

    Fast forward to now. Since then she has had a baby and we have only seen him once. She also broke away from most of my family members on my side as they were there for her growing up. She has nothing to do with her 16-year-old brother and we all wonder what their motives are.

    I've tried and tried and since then I've resigned and I give her, her space. I decided that I have another life and a child that needs my love. I don't think much about the grandchild because it's my way of dealing with it. Somehow, out of sight, out of mind.

    She still sees and talks to her mother, but has been known to hit on her before, so she walks around her on eggshells.

    Life is too short and I call her the spoiled apple and I don't want her to spoil the whole orchard so I'll let it be what it is. I love her and will be there for her if she ever gets over this, but for me I've moved on and I'm still living life.

    PS I'm not an alcoholic, drug user and I didn't molest her in any way, so we're not sure what made her do it. We speculate that her mother might be the one or the husband and his family who pushed her to do this, but my daughter is really strong and nobody can make her do something she didn't want to do.

  • Ginger

    I was a shy kid, so I didn't make friends easily. My mother was always very open-minded. When I was inside the house, instead of playing outside with other kids, my mom kept telling me I was "a chump", I just "sat in the house all day and didn't do anything" and it was "no wonder that nobody likes you". . I knew my calm demeanor was getting on her nerves. I used to avoid them. One day when I was 12 I yelled at her that I thought it was horrible that she kept saying things like that to me and that I felt bad. It stopped her in that moment, but her negative view of me showed in other ways.

    My sister was more open-minded than our mother. As I got older, I saw my mother putting her opinions ahead of mine. If we ordered a pizza to share and my sister liked olives and I didn't, my mom would just tell me "you can eat around them" instead of choosing a topping that we all liked. Even recently, I was late for my mother's when we all went to the cinema, so my sister and our mother went without me. When I arrived my father drove me to the theater and I met her inside. I was only 7 minutes late. My point in all of this is that my mother rejected me from an early age and still does. My father never bothered to correct them. It just became our family dynamic.

    I'm in my 40s now, but a few years ago I asked my mom if she remembered telling me I was "a freak and that no one would ever like me." She said she had no memory of it.

    In my experience, my mother never thought she did anything wrong or hurt me. She still doesn't see how wrong her actions are. I told her but she just shrugs like I'm overly sensitive.

    For all my pain, I will not cut them. I could but I won't. Partly out of love, partly out of guilt, I stay in her life. The irony is that any parent who has children who no longer speak to them never believe they did anything wrong. All of the children who cut off their parents say they actually told their parents why. where is the separation

  • Freta

    Your article is skewed in favor of the adult child.
  • Freta

    I don't know why mine hasn't posted, but I think your article is skewed in favor of the child.
  • Freta

    My 35 year old daughter left me, her father and her little brother who is now 31 years old. I find that your article, while repeatedly claiming to be neutral, is very skewed in favor of the adult child who left. We fed, loved, and cared for our children as best we could without the help of computers and chat rooms. We were good parents. More than anything, we loved unconditionally. Now that we are getting older and a time is approaching when we may need our children to give some of that back to us, they are using their computers and chat rooms to help them decide if a relationship with their parents is for the best is for her or not.

    We raised them to be responsible adults. They need to behave and honor their parents and show them unconditional love as we have done to them.

  • Linda

    support groups? which self-help groups? Being kept away from your grandkids is hard and they need support groups for parents who gave birth even got into debt because my eldest as soon as she went to college she turned into a monster, we weren'tMoreinvited to her graduation, her wedding, we didn't see any of her 4 children, she lied and accused us of abuse, she has never been spanked in her life, i think that's why she is like this now. She even considered hiring a lawyer and suing us because she said we stole her college money by getting refunds on a loan we took out on our behalf, she moved out of her dorm and into an apartment with her boyfriend , so that we could get money back because she no longer had dorm costs. I'm saying if you want to play adult, own it and pay your own way like adults do.
  • Linda

  • Not relevant

    What about situations with a toxic parent who has been given numerous opportunities and conversations to stop a harmful pattern of behavior, e.g. manipulative, always focused on the negative and willing to fight, arguing over trifles, physically abusing the other parent and their son's wife emotionally, instigating things to often cause discord, and harassing their son's wife's parents because they have a different lifestyle?

    All of this is impossible to fix because they are unwilling to change their attitude after becoming aware of their actions towards their family, seeing a therapist without success and even being arrested for their actions?

    They address the only extreme of the spectrum, with the adult child being the horrible person. What about the kids who literally have no choice but still care enough to spend time exploring how the loss of contact is affecting them?

    Parents need to have an elevated level of self-awareness to know where they may have gone wrong. Yes, there are adult children out there who cannot be helped, but they are a minority. Most people want to stay connected to their parents as much as possible - this becomes impossible when the relationship is unsustainable despite countless attempts to rectify the situation and give them more than what a healthy relationship is fair.

    A parent's actions have consequences, just as an adult child's actions have consequences. I don't think parents should be able to think that they are completely innocent and absolved of responsibility.

    • Zelda

      I can only agree with this comment! I am a grown child who had to end the relationship with a narcissistic parent who is unable to NOT take responsibility for their own actions. If your adult child is telling you to back off, for God's sake, LISTEN TO THEM! adult childrenMoreADULTS are able to make their own decisions even if their parents disagree. For my part, I felt that my toxic parent was trying to coerce/bully me into relationships through continued contact AFTER I had clearly stated that I would reach out to HER when I was ready to speak. I had to apply for a protection order and was dragged into court when the toxic parent objected. Although you will always be their parent, you are no longer the only person dictating the terms of the parent-child relationship.
  • Elisabeth

    My son and his family separated after they stopped paying for the house I sold them. Six months of free housing while in a corrections academy created enough debt for my house to be foreclosed on. They didn't tell me they changed theirsMorePlans. Then they lied to family and friends and made me the villain. For six years my grandchildren learned to fear me. I didn't say anything the whole time until we were all at a family party. Not only was my granddaughter cold, she was downright rude. Her parents abused her emotionally. The next day I texted them and laid it out. No more would I not only be alienated and also slandered! I had enough. Running away from their responsibility for their actions hurts everyone, not just me. I probably won't hear from them again. But I won't change reality. A correctional officer needs reality. children too. Hard love bites. But it doesn't live on lies. I finally had enough courage to face their bullying. They exercised alienation like tyrants. Being nice only gave them more trash. My home wasn't important enough for half a year of free living space. This is messed up. Living on lies to cover up their deceitful actions is so much worse. They let their children bear the cost of their comfortable lies. That's all I can take It sure feels good to clear the air and get up and say STOP.
  • Karl Licchi

    There really isn't any support out there, especially for discarded dads. In many cases, we have simply been replaced by a stepfather or other father-like figure who has access to your child on a daily basis. Also, there is literally no care-oriented support for men, in contrast to the abundance of women's supportMoreGroups that are sponsored and funded. If you're willing to pay, you can find someone willing to sell you a book or their time. However, there seem to be no answers. The 800-pound gorilla-in-the-room answer, which gets to the heart of the matter, is NEVER openly discussed or traded. A discarded former custodial father (or sometimes a mother) is torn apart, your heartbreak never ends, your rejection is there every day, you've been reduced to an open checkbook by the government/state/family court system, and then the child learns from the mother to treat you with the same justifiable disrespect without the honor or return you show him. Even your own family will have their own lives, their children/grandchildren, spouse's family, whatever. They expect you to get over it and move on as if you lost a dog and not the child you helped and hoped for your entire life. Is there any truly purposeful guide to getting through your days and nights after losing a child to this living death? If so, it's like trying to find truffles in the dark with a tablespoon. Where is the support for the long rejected yet mourning?
    • I'm not good at surfing

      Carlo Licchi, I also wish there was a magic pill. If I ever spot one, I'll share it with you.
  • Barbara

    This site seems to excuse childish behavior and shows the disrespect they show with any kind of authority today, even though parents no longer show authority and allow children to grow up. So, in my humble opinion, this is what leads to the snowflake effect and sites like this oneMoreencourage and enable the ongoing disrespect we see on the marching streets today. Go back to the drawing boards.
  • ACoNJosh

    Or maybe the parent was terrible to the child and they cut out the parent to get rid of a toxic person.

    How can you say it has nothing to do with the parents? That's ridiculous.

  • Chantal

    Wow, reading this gave me confirmation that I was kind of on the right track. Thank you for writing this for those looking for help.

    I became estranged from my teens and as a mother it was a heartbreaking journey to travel. I myself distanced myself from my father as a young child because of his physical abuse of my mother whom he left when he was a 7 month pregnant single mother. And then I also shut him out of my life again as a teenager, since then I've been trying to reconnect and give my opinion on why I did those things. But I was also rejected by him 22 years later.

    I struggled with being in her shoes, but for very different reasons.

    They chose to live full-time with their father and his then-wife and their twin girls. The struggle for me started here, on the parental side. I gave in to the easiest way without any aggression. I know this wasn't the right way. No, not physical aggression, mental aggression about what's best for all of us as a blended family, not a comfortable path for them. I sacrificed my own voice and desires. Thank you again for writing this and sorry for the novel.

  • Candace

    The more you send out cards and letters and the more you "hunt" them, it just makes them feel like their punishment is working and they have you under their control. It's manipulation. It also doesn't respect their boundaries to have a chance to solve their problems. They want to be left together, then leave them alone.

    And as far as they come through your door and you don't fight back, everyone is entitled to their own personal boundaries, including parents of adult children. Most estranged people have made allegations that are untrue or exaggerated, so I don't recommend any parent agreeing to false allegations. I run a support group for estranged parents and often a third party has caused the estrangement, like an ex-spouse, a new son-in-law, a daughter-in-law who is insecure and jealous. Her advice focuses on the young adult child and not the parents who have made many sacrifices raising children who have grown up with the media, education and government influencing them against family values ​​and encouraging them to be their parents not to be respected. I wouldn't recommend some of your advice to anyone.

    • Karen

      Candace, I'd like to talk to you about your support group. How can we get in touch with each other?
      • Candace

        Here is a link to my Facebook. You can ask me to add you as a friend and I can tell you more about my support group.
        • Kecia

          Candace, I'm not sure how long it's been since this was posted, but I can't find your support group on FB.
  • Sue

    I'm not sure if I agree with this article. My eldest daughter, aged 32, psychologically abused me the more she knew I would "always be there". I was the one who didn't have to say anything anymore for my sanity and broke ties completely. I have 4 adult children. The youngestMoreat 19 has shown the copycat behavior of his older sister. For two years he made me feel like I was a little under his shoe, but he expected me to still be there for him. These two are extremely manipulative and both have caused me to become so severely depressed that I'm contemplating suicide. I just cut this son off now. There are exceptions where you need to draw a line for your own health and sanity.
  • Tammy Phillips

    May I add I've been to several therapists and got the same answer! Forgive me. But that didn't bring my children closer to me!!!
  • Tammy Phillips

    I got into drugs 18 years ago and my ex-husband used them too. He decided to stop immediately and I wasn't ready yet. He kicked me out of our house and had two little kids. Our son was 6 and our daughter was 4. He was awarded custody. In the meantime,MoreI cleaned myself up. But unfortunately he, his mother and other family members poisoned our children by telling them I was a crackhead! Mind you, my ex never took responsibility for his addiction. Now my children are 18 and 21 years old. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 13 years. The ONLY time I hear from my kids is when they want money! That's it! No Happy Birthday Mom, no Merry Christmas Mom etc. If they are not happy with the amount of money I can give them I may not hear from them for another 6 months. I'm 55 years old and tired of spanking myself! I know what else to do!!! Please help! tammy
  • Maryswitzer2

    I have posted here as a devastated mother of a grown son of 30 and I am posting today to give you all hope, my only child cut off all contact two and a half years ago but last week he texted to say : Hello, how are you , we haveMoreFour text exchanged, I'm nervous, overjoyed, there's a glimmer of hope, the past few years have taught me the delicate bonds of respecting my son's other world, it's small steps to making sure I love him without Any conditions or commitment please keep the door open for everyone so they can go home. i am so happy x
  • Jim

    Interesting article - but where is the wife of an "abandoned father" who kidnapped her daughter when she was 3 and took her 450 miles away, contrary to the agreement? ugly divorce where mom wanted 80% of everything plus me to pay the legal bills. I sent postage paid envelopes and paper to my daughter - she never received them... now she is 35 and just had my first and only grandson, she is my only child. (I could never risk losing another child) The last time I saw her, she lives more than 150 miles away - halfway between her mother and me - I asked her straight out, do you want me in your life? (I've seen her less than 500 days all her life - circumstance and distance -. She replied: "Don't know wife if she hadn't suffered so much - Apparently every time she went to her mother with a problem she still did it worse!.

    The divorce was not my fault, and my daughter suffered at the hands of my ex-wife—at distances, I had little ability to even know the school play was on, let alone if my daughter was in the play.

    Now, about three months since my grandson was born, I have still not been allowed visits (nor has her mother), she has "mementos" of me at her house (but not her mother's), suggesting that she want to be reminded of me but refusing to commit to a visit just wears me down to the point of 'total disconnection' while everyone around me is saying don't give up... after 30+ years of trying and mostly ' Clicks' when we're together - I can't know and I'm in tears... where do I go from here...

  • Pamela

    Thank you for writing this! I appreciate it SO much that I feel understood and understood!! But what to do with the grandchildren?! I feel like I am needed by them, especially as my daughter just divorced her father. My daughter asked for a seat.
  • Kelly

    What about the parents who do it to the grown children????
  • let her say goodbye

    Much of this seems to relate to "instant gratification" and a sense of "power over others" where self-esteem is lacking. Successful adult children who are comfortable with their life path do not use others for self-gratification.
  • Lori

    I have a daughter who is now 26 and I haven't spoken to or seen her in a year. Her sister broke her arms, she never called her. My son is 24 and says she will only speak to my 10 year old who is her sister if and whenMoreI'm dying
  • let her say goodbye

    You cannot give love to those who are not ready to receive it.
    • knitting fork

      You can love from a safe distance without even having to get involved. I love my estranged children, but I don't like their behavior. They are too old to be parents so I keep my distance and my life is at peace now. You only have so many spinsMorearound the sun. Love yourself and accept what you cannot change.
    • Maryswitzer2

      You can
  • let her say goodbye

    When your adult children disconnect from you, accept it and move on. Don't expect them to spend time with you or take care of you as you age because we live in a narcissistic society where everyone blames and owns everyone else for their own mistakesMorespoiled by so much given. Look to other countries where multiple generations take care of each other. What a sad state families in the United States find themselves in when grown children are alienated from parents who love them and willingly gave up so much for them. Take your children out of your will and donate to a wonderful charity of your choice instead. Give your time and attention to strangers who are kind and loving. Egocentric adult children can come from wonderful parents and vice versa. Stop begging and spoiling your immature children. Therapists try to figure out reasons for behaviors, but maybe it's more luck of the draw than we think.
    • DN

      I love what you said... Not just the US... maybe all western countries... here in NZ we have these issues too...
    • listeners

      It's not a switch that can be turned off and on. I suppose if everyone affected by alienation could simply and easily do what you suggest, articles like this wouldn't be written and comments wouldn't be posted. If you just look at the numerous comments on this article, it isMoreIt seems that there are large numbers of people who feel the emotional burden of alienation and struggle to come to terms with it.
    • Candace

      It's not just in the United States. Alienation is an epidemic in all western countries. I lead an international support group for parents of alienated adult children and alienated grandchildren as I am one of them, and have also worked in behavioral health. The media, the government and the education systemMorehave empowered children to the point that they are rejecting and throwing away their families at an alarming rate.
  • love yourself

    As with any emotional event in life, there are stages that need to be processed, learned, and moved forward. I use sayings to empower myself, like "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything". I am aware that I am dealing with adults making decisions about whether theirMoreright or wrong, like them or not, it's their journey. I've been told that God has no grandchildren... and that if I'm afraid/worried I'm not in the faith. My mother used to tell me, "I know what it's like to be young, you don't know what it's like to be old"...which brings me to the saying, "Don't judge your neighbor until you've walked two." Monde in his moccasins". My parents were here long before me, my parents had parents. Some good things are passed on, some not so good. My belief is that the morals and values ​​of this generation of children (if any) are not from love, respect, compassion, etc. She is materialistic, selfish, greedy, rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, etc. etc. etc. No more tipping a hat at the table, no more getting up for the elderly or a woman to sit down , always talking back, always "I know" when given the lecture and "don't know" when scolded..which one is it?I once heard a story of a young man always complaining about which his father was not, and one day sp When the father asked him, "You keep saying what kind of father I was, what kind of son you were?" I can't spend the rest of my years living in regret and grief, I'll take the resentments and punishments my children can't bear. I will listen and I will always love her. My mom taught me that you can live with a broken heart, "live and let live" and "let go and let God."
    • new to it

      Your words really helped me get through a really tough time coping with the situation with my 28 year old daughter. Many Thanks.
  • Arlene Fazio

    What kind of support group would be useful for problems like this - can you recommend?
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach

      Thanks for your question. Many of our readers have found helpful forms of support online, whether here in our comment forum or elsewhere. If you are looking for personal support in your community, you can try contacting them211-Hotlineat 1-800-273-6222. 211 isMorea service that connects people to resources available in their community. Please let us know if you have any other questions. Watch after.
  • Never get

    I did everything I could and I will never understand how the bond I had was destroyed so badly. My daughter was the only person I thought would always be there. Nobody understands her now and so many people have adored her! When I hear people sayMoreher disappointment in her makes me feel so bad. Everyone says it's her husband, but I can totally believe that. It's the biggest disappointment of my life because I always wanted her to have the best, especially in life. She just doesn't want me to be in her life.
    • The writer

      Neverwillgetit You won't feel so shattered if you can accept that marriage can make "bad" kids good and vice versa. A very rebellious kid could suddenly become an angel after marriage or they could turn into a monster overnight LOL so it all depends on your luck. who he/sheMoreMarriage makes the difference. I have seen many such cases. The spouse can be either a positive or a negative influence. Parents-in-law also play a role. If your kid is dumb enough to listen to diabolical in-laws then that's it. I'm so sorry for you but best take care of your health etc.
  • Never get

    So sad that I too had great times laughing with my only child, my beloved daughter. Over 2 1/2 years no response from her and my grade son is 2 1/2. I've begged, pleaded, apologized, cried and thought of her countless timesMoreDay. I am a widow who has struggled since my husband died when I was 46 13 years ago. My daughter was my life! I lost them both and am struggling to get through life as I never dreamed life would turn out this way. How can your only child who was loved (and yes we didn't always agree but my love and pain from her ran deep) turn her back on her mother. I prided myself on being a great mom, but after my husband died and my daughter dropped out of college, I was treading water, and yet I don't think she understood how scary my world was becoming. I have a heavy heart for all the times I missed being with her and my grandson (the one from pictures through the family he is adorable) I was not recognized or received pictures, correspondence, understanding of forgiveness. And yet I begged her to come back into my life. Without her I will never be whole again. She never checked me once. I know I don't have vacations, sometimes little food around the house, was recently attacked by a family member and have a concussion and have been on other medical matters or out of a job. My best time of my life was raising her and now nothing. Just so hurt and disappointed. Yes, her husband doesn't like me. And was disrespectful to me, but I apologized for my part, but he hates me. But I stand by that. if he loved her, he would at least encourage my daughter to see me. I just don't know if I'll ever be in her life again or if I'll ever see my grandson. It hurts me to the core. I missed so much with my grandson from the fun things I did with my daughter. She's intelligent and a high school counselor so I don't get it and never will as long as I live. I miss her so much she aged me I'm sure. But Ivan dies knowing that I've tried so hard to reunite with her, but unfortunately it doesn't take away my daily pain. I love and miss her very much. I pray all the time Sorry for so long but heartbroken in many ways.
  • pj3b

    My 20 year old daughter resents me because I spent a lot of time in the hospital or working when she was growing up and she stayed. I'm only her mother because I gave birth to her

    I asked her to be my girlfriend and she doesn't want that either

    I am hurt and angry

  • seats

    Where would you find a support group for this?
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      Thank you for your question. Finding support for issues like alienation can sometimes be difficult, and I appreciate you reaching out to our online community here. In addition to talking to other readers here in our comments section, some have found additional internet-based supportMoregroups dealing with these issues. You can read through the comments here to find more information about helpful resources, and perhaps some of the other readers also share resources that have been helpful to them. If you are interested in joining a local support group or would like to speak to others personally, I encourage you to contact at 1-800-273-6222. 211 is a service that connects people to resources available in their community. Please let us know if you have any other questions; Look out.
  • lcjantzi

    I haven't been on this site for a long time due to illness.

    I read some responses to the adult child "Jake" that really helped me. In March it will be three years since my grown children have estranged me; "Don't contact us. We'll contact you when we're ready." Many of the responses to "Jake" were cathartic for me because they verbalized many of my questioning thoughts, e.g.

    Also, I fight guilt from time to time for enjoying my life without her. I had let them tear me down to the point where my physical health was declining. I now have a better life and am happier without her drama interfering with my marriage and other relationships.

    I hope and pray that they are happy and that we can put this behind us.

    Many Thanks.

    • pj3b

      I wish I had your courage and strength but I feel hurt and guilty every minute of the day
      • lcjantzi

        Dear Pj3b,

        Give yourself some time. Being rejected by our child/children is a hurtful experience. It takes time to gain some objectivity. How would you comfort a friend when they come to you with the same situation? Be your own best friend and be kind. Your daughter has a lot to learn about life if she doesn't see how your job took care of her needs growing up. It may take some time or she may not want to acknowledge this. In the meantime, it's time to let them follow their own journey in this life and focus on being good to themselves; heal and become all you can be. I'm sure this isn't the first hard thing you've experienced in your life. You have survived other difficult circumstances, and you will survive this one too.

        Like most of us on this site, you have been a good and caring parent. This thing our kids did makes us blind and a little bit confused. Take your time, be patient with yourself. Read through the stories others have experienced here and you will find comfort, hope for yourself and strength. I stand by you ... lcjantzi

        • Never get

          Thank you for your nice words. What bothers me the most is that I will never get that time back with my daughter and grandson. Although I've done everything possible to get our relationship back, I worry more about her if something happens to me. guilt &MoreRegrets could turn her into a dysfunctional adult and I'm really concerned about that, especially if she has to choose between me or her husband. I've always told her that your husband comes first, but I didn't want to exclude her own family. She is the only grandchild and my father who is 92 years old adores her and she doesn't even spend much time with him. I taught her that family is very important and my husband and I have given her a very loving and stable life. Her husband's mother died when he was 5 years old. He was an whoops but did very well and is very intelligent but he is a grudge my daughter and one of his friends told me. I just hope my daughter doesn't fall victim to this one day, especially after I'm gone. Thank you again for your kindness. It's so appreciated.
  • cure

    Or the parents did not nag and yell. They were patient and kind. with "Joe". And he chose to leave, despite her doting patience. When faced with this, they have no control over their adult child. And being stuck forever waiting for it to come back isn't doing anyone any good.

    Sheri McGregor

    Author of Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Alienated Adult Children

  • Abused and confused

    My 22-year-old, who began experiencing some emotional difficulties around the age of 16, was doing a semester abroad to finish college and reluctantly came home to help me after a life-threatening removal of a tumor from my ear. (I had no one else to drive me home from the hospital.) She had already completed all her academic requirements.

    From the moment she arrived she was emotionally abusive, not even helping me remove my head bandage or ever bringing me a cup of tea or anything to eat. Immediately after the operation, when I was exhausted and could barely walk, she was verbally abusive and cruel. On the fourth day, she physically attacked me in public and I had to run away from her. I went to the police but didn't report it.

    I looked up her FB friends (she's never been on FB before) and hooked up with them. It was two nasty young women who made it clear that they wanted to get rid of me and they were very rude and disrespectful to me. One (she has only known my daughter for 3 months) acted like she owned my daughter and controlled her completely. My daughter flies to Europe in 2 days. (I haven't seen her since she attacked me when of course I asked her to leave my home). She communicated via email and blamed me for ????? She has refused any mental health treatment even though I got her to see a therapist with me the day before the attack and the therapist witnessed some very strange behavior and statements by my daughter. She prepares a detailed written report. My daughter has told me she hates me, told me I pushed her away, etc.

    I wonder if anyone had a child that fell under some strange control from other people. The two women acted like cult leaders and were scary to sit with. They had no emotions, were physically very obese for young ladies, their eyes were blank and cold. My daughter attempted suicide in Ireland and when trying to get information about what happened everyone treats me like I'm the enemy: those creepy girls, her international coordinator at her university, a half friend in Ireland. Everyone either lied to me or refused to answer my questions. Has anyone else had a complete personality change in their child after exposure to a new group of people?

    I am very sad. My daughter was once my closest friend and although she showed some signs of deterioration before going abroad, nothing like that.

  • healing heart


    In response to your post, my final point is, well, they should be in pain and they will be in pain until they recover. I have a life and I am not being controlled, manipulated or told what to do.

    They may have used the exact same words about you and you molded yourself and got your crap together bootcamp style like a lot of us have had to! They also have a life to live and shouldn't be controlled or manipulated, so you cut them off with the intention of causing pain.

    I hope you are happy, healthy and living really well because that would be your happiness. I'm sure they will let go of any pain and not hold onto the past, they deserve to enjoy life as much as you do. You understand, if you are a parent and then a grandparent, this complete circle of life will give you a better view... you will see more clearly.

    When they're gone, you'll really know how entitled or not you were to distance yourself. My husband hasn't spoken to his dad for ten years, he would park him and always said I'll call him but one day he got the call that he was gone....regrets! And me, my mother always let me down but the balance of her good didn't make me cut her off thank god because she's gone now and I miss her every day but have less regrets!

    Good luck on your journey, live well and make amends where possible, it doesn't mean daily conversations, just words of "I'm okay and I know I love you" can be so healing for everyone involved. Just do what you can live with and look in the mirror to say I'm not proud but live with a heart full of love. Take care!

  • Acer Xpress


    Reading your two posts, it sounds so fair to anyone - your parents were under no obligation to fund your way through college, and they were, even if they were millionaires.

    Then the one about the hope that they suffer sounds like bitterness and very cold.

    I hope they are living well and have accepted who you are and your choices.

    This site is more for leaning parents, you may want to go to a site more geared towards your age group with similar emotions. Good luck with your booth... tell potential employers the "pays your own way" part, but skip the "cut off hoping they get hurt" because that will only demonstrate that you don't break the rules can and go to extremes with conflict.

    All in all... be happy? and live well.

    • Mastic8

      Acer Xpress His parents said: My way or the highway, that's their right. Right? He chose the Autobahn. That's his right, right? He handles the rules quite well, thank you. It sounds like his parents can't handle it when their bluff is called.
      • healing heart

        Apparently that was the problem, he didn't want to play by the rules. It sounds like he can't handle her bluff because he was the one who stopped her. But he still sounds well grounded and lives well with the fact that his parents are probably just too happyMoreknows that and is happy too.
    • RobertStrankman

      Acer Xpress No progress can be made on this dreadful issue if we only have people to pat us on the back and tell us we're right. There are groups for that, they can be very helpful, but they only understand one side of this cultural phenomenon. The fact that Jake would explain his reasoning at a point where there is overwhelming opposition to the real issue isn't a bad thing. Even if you don't agree with him, give him credit for at least trying to take an opposing view and opening up to antagonism.

      Of course he's bitter. He is hurt. He was abandoned by his parents - remember they threatened to cut him out of their lives first. I agree with you that his parents can do what they want with their stuff and impose anything they want on him. That's the golden rule, right? Who has the gold makes the rules? But expecting him not to get angry about it means you must have a purity of kindness and spirit that comes only once in a generation.

      • healing heart


        Each me is entitled to its own opinion, mine was that his parents can heal just like him. That although he denies his suffering and because he wishes them agony, he may be in even more pain...hence this page. There's nothing wrong with patting people on the back to make home and at work because trying to improve, "a pat on the back" makes people feel good, offers support. After all, that's why we're on this page. Not all of our kids are Jake, mine have different issues and I see my part in that due to the distance. But yeah she's not an idiot and neither was I at that age, in our culture we paid our own way and it wasn't expected of our parents so when it comes to money it's superficial.

        But to humanize Jake and his parents and everyone on this site, I commend everyone who is trying to make sense of this breakup challenge. It's just an opinion and I don't follow that golden rule about money but the real one which is "treat others as you would like to be treated".

        For this type of thing I never meant to convey that anyone was right or wrong, just that this site is for parents in pain and some with fresh wounds. So I wouldn't go to an AA meeting with a case of beer?

      • listeners

        RobertStrankmanAcer Xpress "abandoned by his parents" - no, that's not what Mr. Jake said. His parents set conditions as a condition of providing needed (apparently) funds for Mr. Jake's education. Conditions that Mr. Jake could not seem to accept. And then Mr. Jake let go of his parents. Mr Jake says nothingMorethat his parents threatened to cut him out of his life - he said they threatened to "throw him out" - which sounds like he's urging Mr Jake to move out and support himself. Big difference.
      • althagggg

        RobertStrankmanHe said they told him they were going to kick him out of their house, not out of their life. He was an adult who lived in their home, ate their food, used their utilities, and wanted them to give him money on his terms (not theirs) too. He wasn't "abandonedMorefrom his parents" he was unwilling to take their money on their terms and decided to punish them for setting those terms. No, he should not be "angry" at their reasoning. He is under no obligation to their money or live in their home, but sensible adults don't go so far as to punish their parents for not giving them cash when they want and how they want it.
  • debimon

    My son is almost 30 and has been involved with drugs and alcohol for most of his life. I was in pain most of his life and it was getting worse and worse. Now he lives with a girl who hates her mother, who left herMoreown children and her mother raises them. They do drugs, but my son lies to me about it and blames me for not trusting him to stop using drugs when it's painfully obvious they are. He maxes out my credit cards. They won't work. Now that I've told him how angry I am about all of this and because he has nothing left to do that his family is worth, he won't soak me at all. He lives in a house in my name, but we paid the mortgage worth a disability payment he got. It's almost over at night and I don't know what to do because I can't afford to pay his mortgage and they refuse to work. It tears my marriage apart and I cry every day as I see my son slowly dying. It's even worse now that he doesn't even talk to me. Everyone says to throw him out of the house but I can't, I've lost 3 people I've been living on drugs after I stopped helping them. I feel like I'm drowning with him. .
    • RobertStrankman

      debimon you are better than that. in one paragraph i can say because you are willing to sacrifice your own life for him. But you did your part. You were really good and did your part. Not only did you raise him, you tried to for a decadeMoreto give him opportunities and resources to get out of the situation he is in. I'm painfully jealous of him for having a mother like you. But you can't let him get you down, emotionally, financially...or legally. If they do drugs in a home on your behalf, the police in America can seize your property and possibly even charge you with some type of accessory crime if a prosecutor is willing to go that far. If a line has to be drawn anywhere, it has to be somewhere near unrepentant willingness to risk jailing a family member for one's conduct. Kicking him out would be an act of love towards someone infinitely deserved: you.
  • Acer Xpress


    Most parents want their children to be successful, and sometimes this approach can seem controlling. It's great that you paid your own way, that's probably the best way as it teaches us to grow up faster and embrace the independent lives we're meant to live. I'm sure your parents are proud that you made it after they did their part by not giving up on you and encouraging higher education in the first place.

    It all worked out, they have a little something extra for their pension and you've done well and probably have a better appreciation that really brags in interviews.

    If they haven't threatened your life, cutting them off can be extreme. At the end of the day I'm sure they hurt not having you around as much as you suffer???

    But I am sure that they are content because they know that you are doing well, financially and independently and out of danger. Good luck, live well

  • Acer Xpress

    That's extreme, reminds me of my mother-in-law, but not quite drastic. Sometimes distance is the only thing you can do when you're both on has its place
  • Acer Xpress

    It's admirable that you've paid your way through college, landed a full-time job, and accelerated your independent life, the way it should be. You'll have a better proud story to tell and appreciate at interviews because you paid your own way. Claims seem to be an issue these days. I'm sure you're proud of your choice today.

    They did their job of raising you. When they threaten your life, that's one thing, but more often than not it's all a threat from a parent. But then it's all rebellion as a parent. Once we are grandparents we understand the whole reasoning... there are always two sides to a story, hopefully they are happy to live their lives and enjoy their years after raising their son. It seems it worked out for you all, but I'm sure they hurt as much as you, to deny that would be robots?

  • way to happiness

    I permanently disfellowshiped my parents after my mom emailed me to my husband's work (because of his work it was open to anyone...especially since the word gun was mentioned). After everything else and all the trouble my mom had caused beforehand, that was itMorewas the last straw. Some people are so self-absorbed and self-absorbed that they just can't see beyond their own stupid deeds. I'm happy, living a prosperous life with my husband, my kids and friends...without my parents and that's my aspiration.
    • The writer

      way to happiness

      Good for you too. Perhaps you might be wondering WHY your mother did what she did. She could have done it out of desperation. Many young people do things to their parents but are ashamed to let their relatives and frens know that they have done such terrible things to their parents. There are these kids who get married and then compare their in-laws to their parents.

      Of course, her in-laws are a novelty because they treat the young son-in-law/daughter-in-law differently than their parents treat them. Parents take things for granted. The children too.

      • way to happiness

        Why did my mom do what she did (sent that email specifically)? Because she could. Was she desperate? I think she was angry...she wanted to hurt me, my family. Will she make it again? No, as she is now blocked from emailing or messaging us.

        What terrible things did I do to my parents? As a teenager, I had some friends that my parents didn't like? I used to love going to parties with friends when I was 18... I used to go to nightclubs with friends (sometimes drunk). I'm sure I did many other horrible things to them (that my mother told the rest of my relatives and all her friends). The thing is, I used to care what she said or told others about me, but now I don't care what she says about me.

        As for my in-laws... I get along well with them, along with the rest of my husband's family, whom I love just as much.

        People cut others off for many reasons. I tried really hard to get along with my mom because I would have liked to have been close to her...but we just never got along. We never had that close mother-daughter relationship where we spent time together or did things together. On a positive note, I learned a lot from her (which one shouldn't do) in raising a family. I now have a teenager of my own who goes to parties, has girlfriends (some I like, some less), sometimes gets angry at me, sometimes slams doors, occasionally swears, gets fantastic grades in school (with my support)... With whom I understand me fantastically and whom I love very much. I have a lot of time for my children, my priority!!!

        Home is where my husband is.... & we have a great one. Anyone who comes into my life and causes a lot of trouble in the things that matter most to me has no place in my life.

      • way to happiness

        I actually get along really well with my in-laws. They are top people who I love very much... along with my husband's entire family.

        Why did my mom send this email? Because she could. The email was not specifically about me, but also about my father (whom she divorced many years ago). Personal family things. Will she ever make it again? No, because she is now blocked from all our emails. If she wasn't desperate before, I'm sure she's even more desperate now!!

        What terrible things did I do to my parents? I had one/several friends...a few...when I was a teenager (whom my parents didn't like)? ... I went to parties with friends, I moved out and lived with my Nana & Pop during my teenage years (who raised my sister and I anyway) ... while she met, went to college and did what was important to her . I'm sure there are many other terrible things my mother could tell you about that she has already told all my other relatives and all her friends. Thing is, I used to care about what she said, but not anymore.

        On a positive note, I learned ALLOT from my mom (which is...not to do). I now have a teenage son and daughter...who go to parties with friends, have girlfriends, sometimes get mad at me, sometimes slam doors, get fantastic grades in school and best of all have a great relationship with me. My husband and I raised our children ourselves. Where my husband is (that's where my home is)... and people causing trouble in my immediate family... have no place in my life.

        • The writer

          Roadtohappiness Hmmm good for you. Wish you the best. I'm sure you won't make the same mistakes your mother made. Good luck that everything turns out well and that history doesn't repeat itself because one day your own children may just turn against you and cut you off like you did your mother.

          Kids say and do the craziest things LOL. Have you ever heard this Chinese folk tale? As a Chinese, please allow me to tell you this story. A man was carrying his very old and frail father up the mountain in a basket on his back. His little son went with him. The man left his father on the mountain. As they were about to leave, his little son said to the man:

          "Dad, don't forget to bring the basket home so I can carry you up when you grow old like Grandpa."

          • way to happiness

            @The writer

            And if I stay in contact with my mother...yes, my own children could STILL cut me off one day...

            It was actually a joint decision to separate my mother (my husband and I). Yes, it was a big and difficult decision, but we decided that the best decision was to put our relationship and our children first. Both my husband and I could write a long list of reasons to support this decision (which we did). My own mother once called and talked to my husband (which demeans me) and then said... please don't tell my daughter (me) I called you!!!! My mother had no limits.

            As for my mother getting old and being taken care of, she has plenty of money/pension to pay for my sister. My sister is her beneficiary. She has already arranged that. ? How do I know? Because she told me.

            It's a win/win in my situation. As I wrote before, I tried, I would have liked to have had a great relationship with my mother... but unfortunately society doesn't work that way anymore.

            On a positive note, I now have a great and close relationship with my father (whom my mother divorced many years ago).

  • Jake Goodale

    Personally, I interrupted my parents when they kept threatening to "stop paying college" or "throw me out" if I wasn't exactly what they wanted. When it came down to it, they threatened me and I have zero patience for that. I switchedMoreafter a year a state school, got a full-time job, paid for everything myself and moved out. After graduation I cut off all contact.
    • Mastic8

      JakeGoodale I interrupted my parents for a little while. The biggest mistake I ever made was reconnecting and then being pulled back into their orbit. Stay the course. Be strong. Have you ever apologized out of curiosity? Any responsibility taken at all? Sounds a lot, my way or the Autobahn. Which isMoregood until you call their bluff and disconnect.
      • The writer


        Wow mastika8 Wow indeed! It seems like parents these days need to apologize for their service to their children.

        • Mastic8

          Writer - I'm not sure how you got from what I wrote to what you wrote. Can you be more specific?
    • further

      JakeGoodale Your profile reflects a different aspect of you than your words. Is there more to your background - say very conservative parents who lived their dreams through their son? Maybe they planned your life for you without asking what you wanted? If that's the caseMorethen I understand your rebellion and decision to break away from them. I admire your determination to move forward by completing your high school and college education. However, I hope that later you will have confidence in your ability to handle them without cutting them off. In the meantime - all the best.
    • deedee2652

      What about everything they've done for you since you were born?
    • dlaharris

      Sounds like a great parent who wants to raise their child to be an independent, functioning adult in society.
      • Mastic8

        dlaharris... and they got what they wanted, just not how they wanted it.
    • RobertStrankman

      JakeGoodale If you haven't gathered yet, there are a large number of people who are very opposed to not contacting here. On that note, thanks for posting another opposing opinion.

      To your parents' credit, they can do whatever they want with the resources at their disposal. You didn't say what they wanted. But it doesn't matter. You can say, "If you want to live in our house, you have to kiss our life-size statue of Steven Seagal after every word that has a silent E." It's her stuff, that's her right. You are an adult and you do not have to let another adult into your home if that adult does not meet the conditions of stay.

      However, let's be clear: the threat of kicking you out IS a threat to your personal safety. I will totally ignore the threat to your future, future happiness, and future income (although the fact that they would ignore that is pretty muddled). The threat of sacking means, "If you don't do as we ask, we will deny you the resources you have relied on to live. We don't care where you go as long as it's not here." Indeed, it's an awkward way of saying, "We don't care if you live or die." Rooted in love or not, that's how you show someone that he is loved. It's only one step away from putting a gun to your head. It may be their right to say that - again their resources - but expect to be trusted again after repeatedly saying it that this just isn't going to happen. If you really think about it, you just did what they asked you to do. They told you, "We will cut contact, taking the obvious risk of your demise if you don't what we say." Her response was "Sure, that sounds reasonable."

      Was it mean to go as far as you? A little... maybe. We all make mistakes and your parents obviously didn't realize how far they are pushing you. Emotional awareness is always difficult and it gets harder as you get older, not to mention the added difficulty of changing power dynamics when a child goes off alone. Obviously, you're letting them know by changing schools, getting a job, and moving out. I mean, I would qualify these kinds of behaviors—signs that you've been moving forward with your life without the resources they needed on you—as an important sign that they might be making some sort of acknowledgment of the impact of their words and behaviors had on you. Making a mistake is one thing. Refusing to correct or even admitting a mistake after being informed about it is a sign of lack of remorse and a bigger sign that the behavior is likely to be repeated in the future.

      For everything I have said here and before, I would like to point out that I hope that you will let them back into your life on your own time. It's been eight years, and while I'm thankful every day that my mom isn't in my life, I won't lie that there are times when it sucks. It's like a big part of my life is gone. At my wedding, my wife's family shared stories of how proud they are to see this little girl grow into a beautiful woman, and the longest relationship I have had has been with a best friend I met as a teenager. Although some of my only positive memories of my mother in the few years before everything went wrong was the dog we both raised, my mother will never see what I did with the dogs I have now. Or when I'm lying in bed sick and all I want is for my mommy to bring me a cup of chicken soup, put on cartoons, kiss my forehead and tell me everything will be fine. Knowing that she would pose a constant threat to me in my life doesn't change the lack of emotional comfort that happy people experience until their parents die. Doing it for the right reasons - like I think you did - only makes it hurt more.

      However, it is all your prerogative. do you trust them can you trust them Does that even matter? Is the “juice worth the squeeze” so to speak? Questions that only you can answer. This is your story, not your parents'. Being part of it is a privilege, not a right.

    • listeners

      Jake Goodale So Jake. I will not defend your parents for threatening to cut you off if you don't conform. I won't criticize them either. I will commend you for not prostituting yourself. If you don't want to do things the parent's way, it seems to me that the right move is to do it your own way, but also pay your own way to do it your own way . so good for you

      But cut contact? There may be more to this story, but that seems a bit of an exaggeration. Make this way overboard. I think your parents expected you to conform in some way because of their subjective, good, if imperfect, idea of ​​what is in your best interest in life - and let's just assume that they conformed 100 % have erred . Even if they're "wrong" about what's best for Jake, that hardly justifies the extreme performance. Usually, when parents want something specific for a child, the desire is rooted in love.

      And what about all the good things they've done for you? They gave you this life that you have now. Doesn't that count? I do not get it. It's as if one person can do 10,000 good things for another, but if that person does 1 bad thing in the eyes of the recipient, it's as if none of those other good things ever happened. Industrial fair? Balanced? objective? I do not see it.

      Now let's just say that you think your parents are horrible people and have done a long list of bad things - not just one bad thing. OK. I get it. But last time I checked, 2 mistakes is not a right. Adult children who cut off their parents in response to allegations of parental wrongdoing become total hypocrites. You respond to what you call dysfunctional behavior with more dysfunctional misbehavior. And when that happens, wrong and right get pretty skewed. Who is wrong and who is right no longer matters. And again, what about love?

      And lest you think that cutting off isn't dysfunctional, I assure you that we are all hardwired as 21st century human beings to have our inner selves, our self-image, our self-esteem, our capacity for love and compassion, and our harmony with nature rooted in family and parental consent. Deny it if you want, but that's your mind denying it, and you're denying something over which you have no control. We are all here from our old selves from centuries past. We evolved and survived to get to this moment in time. You were a Neanderthal once, Jake. This is you. This is me. We all are. A part of the basic human nature is the family. It just is. And it's bigger than you. All of this was decided long ago by our ancestors—the Neanderthals from whom we evolved. In order to survive, to reach this moment, they found out and passed on to us that we have to be a family to survive.

      My final point, Jake, relates to that funny little leveler that lives inside most of us called compassion. What about it? Jake, right now, I'm guessing your folks are absolutely freaking out. In emotional agony. You lost your son. They feel like their hearts have been ripped out of their bodies through their throats. You're just sick with grief. reconciliation brother. You must seek a path of peace with your parents. You do have a say in that. You have some control over it. You may have a relationship with your parents that you have a say in how close or how often you are in contact. But give them that. They undeniably deserve it. And when you do that, you'll really grow up. Then you are really independent. Until then, you're still growing up.

      • Jake Goodale

        AListenerJakeGoodaleThey definitely tried to force me to live the way they wanted out of love. But that's not what I wanted and it's my life, I'm not told what to do.

        love is not enough My parents showed that they were not willing to support me or be there for me when I needed them. I've responded to glitches by shutting it down. It's not my job to fix my parents. If they want to be in my life, they can control their behavior and adjust. If not then well. I agree that family is essential to survival, which is why I cut it off. I need people to support me if I ever get into trouble. My parents showed that if things weren't done exactly their way, they wouldn't do it. By breaking them up, I've been able to build relationships with people who have proven to have helped me the way I need it when I have a problem.

        My final point is, well, they should be in pain and they will be in pain until they're in shape. I have a life and I am not being controlled, manipulated or told what to do.

        • broken mother

          So, have you given your parents support or comfort, or is it just what you think YOU are entitled to?

          "You can nurture relationships with those who have PROVEN themselves to you."

          Sounds conditional to me; You expect from others what you don't want (or can't) give.

          Life is give and take - not just what awaits YOU!

          Parents have an obligation to take care of children and NOT to take care of ADULTS who act like children.

        • althagggg

          JakeGoodale: If what you're saying is true (although I can hardly believe it), you're stopping your parents for not doing what you want them to. It's their money and they offer it to you as long as certain conditions are met. You do not agree to these terms and insteadMoreIf you simply refuse the money, you are "punishing" them for not giving you their money the way you want it (unconditionally). And you punish them in the most extreme way imaginable. This is all about control - you say you don't want to be controlled, but you try to control them. "Get your behavior under control and adapt"???? Are you kidding me? You say your parents have to do as you say, give you their money how you want, or you're going to let them down? For my part, I hope that your parents are doing well and living a happy life without any pain. The responsibility that parents have for their children's entire lives is beyond your understanding (or obviously beyond your care). Parents make thousands of sacrifices every day to raise children, and when they have done their best, they have earned their happiness. By the way, you're talking about not getting "support" from your parents when you actually mean "money." If you had wanted her support, you would not have let her down. It sounds like you want your money on your own terms.
        • listeners

          JakeGoodaleALListener Where's the compassion in your attitude Jake? Your answer reflects a lack of basic human empathy. Very disturbing. You say it's "good" that your parents are in pain. Actually, it's never good when someone is in pain. parents or not. People shouldn't like it when others suffer, especially our family. Especially the people who gave us life and took care of us so that we could emerge from childhood and call ourselves “adults”.

          Parenting is complex. I have yet to meet anyone who has made it their mission to be "the worst parent ever". It's the exact opposite. Anyone who decides to have children sets out with the best of intentions. To be a parent as good as or better than the parent he or she had. And then the children come...

          All parents make mistakes. There are no perfect parents and no child receives a perfect upbringing. Every parent has an idea of ​​what his or her role should be and how that role should be performed. Every parent has an idea of ​​how the child or children should be and how that should be implemented. Then one adds the "stuff" of life to these visions. Defects. Unresolved psychological problems. Maybe a bottle thing, or porn, or none of those off-center issues, maybe mom or dad or both are “too anal”, too perfectionist, to this, to that. And we all bring this “this to that too” to our children, and the result is imperfections. And sometimes we're in a bad mood, we don't feel good and we have to make split-second decisions that won't be 100% right.

          And test children. Children test boundaries. Instinctively. Young children hear “no” and part of growing up is exploring the boundaries of “no”. Etc.

          All of this and more makes parenting a complex minefield for imperfect young parents to navigate with the best of intentions.

          You're not reporting a crime that's been committed against you, Jake. I will not defend the sexual abuse of a child by a parent. If your parents have sexually abused you even once, then by all means let them go. If they physically abused you with beatings or whatever, I wouldn't blame you for cutting them loose.

          But here, from what you report, their "high crime rate" is nothing more than trying to force you to live the way they wanted. Is that it?

          If so, I find your answer amazing. It reflects a disturbed mind. Your reaction is exaggerated. punishing. It's really off center. It triggers thoughts like "crying over spilled milk" (and you're the one crying), "making a mountain out of a molehill," and "sweating the little stuff."

          Don't get me wrong here — I readily concede that unless we're talking about things like crime, parents who expect their young adult children to "live the way they want" stick their heads up their butts , drugs, reckless sexual behavior, or life-threatening activity. If it's nothing more serious than the parents wanting the young adult to be an athlete, but the young adult wants to be an artist, then the parents are just wrong and they're trying to stop a locomotive and it will never happen. I know the exact details of this "live how they want" you're referring to, but if it's nothing more serious than you wanted to major in X and they wanted you to major in Y as opposed to everything and to everyone else you read here, that's not a big enough "wrong" to justify cutting off your parents.

          Please note this. I would also encourage you to talk to a therapist about your apparent lack of empathy.

    • The writer

      Jake Goodale Good for you. be your own man I hope you are happy and feeling like a hero. Show them they're nothing you can't handle. So you've put them in their place, you should feel pretty good. Life should be wonderful for you. Parents like that can be such a pain and annoyance LOL.

      Maybe you could do all of that without cutting them off? Was it necessary to cut them off? If you don't regret it, then I think you did the right thing. Btw, why not get rid of that last name as well for a clean cut? If I sound sarcastic, allow me to apologize.

      • Jake Goodale

        The ScribeJakeGoodale I expect support from family and friends. That being said, I don't often need support or help for anything, so I expect people to come and bat for me. I needed money for college, even after doing very well in high school, receiving very good financial support, and working 15+ hours a week while in school. The money my parents offered me came with too many strings attached and frankly not enough given their socioeconomic status and education.

        This effectively showed where they stood when it came to supporting me when I needed help now and in the future. So I cut them off. Life is tough and I can't put resources into people who aren't there for me when I need them. Cutting them off was primarily to punish them and secondarily to make sure I was giving enough time to people who really care about me.

        • The writer

          Jake Goodale The scribe

          "So I cut them off. Life is tough and I can't put resources into people who won't be there for me when I need them. Cutting them off was primarily to punish them..."

          All I can say is WOW. It seems that parents these days should be PUNISHED if they fail to meet their children's expectations. The parent-child relationship is NOT a business. When life is hard for you, do you think it was easy for her?

  • dlaharris

    So I texted my daughter daily and got no replies. I had to stop and get my life back. My husband and I decided not to let our spoiled 26 year old millennial ruin our lives. I don't text her anymore. Didn't even get a thank youMoreThey for their graduation money or Christmas gifts we sent. The relationship is there when she wants to communicate with us, but we won't beg her as we haven't done anything wrong, but we're probably too kind to her growls. Time for our adult child to grow up and stop being a rude moron.
    • Mastic8

      dlaharris Good for you that you don't give away your power. I read another thread where the child disappeared for no reason or reason and reappeared ten years later on the eve of a sister's wedding. Her father gave her the money left by a deceased grandmotherMorewhile she was estranged, he told her he was sure her reasons were good and true, but an explanation would have been desirable, and then told her she was no longer welcome. When your daughter comes forward, tell her you want an apology and an explanation before she gets your forgiveness. Alienation and the consequences of it go both ways.
    • The writer

      dlaharris What goes around goes around – the principle of KARMA. Their children will do the same to them. You will experience the same bitterness.
    • deedee2652

      dlaharris I agree I tried for a year we talked then we fought there was always an excuse to cause a problem. So I'm done. She had the opportunity to reconnect with her family. She has chosen to continue to find wrong with us. You are not alone.
    • further

      dlaharris - "Didn't even get a thank you for her graduation money or Christmas gifts we sent". That's rude of your daughter in every way. I am happy to read that you and your husband have decided to give up trying to reach her and just get on with your life.MoreSome of us adhere to manners and respect while others do not. When my daughter asked me not to contact her, I respected her wish. It will be up to her to resume a relationship with me. I now have a good relationship with my younger daughter and many good friends. All the best, Dlaharris. .
  • Medicine3

    I'm so glad I found this site!!! When you're feeling embarrassed, guilty, confused, angry, etc. you tend to look for answers, but when you feel like no one else knows how you're feeling, look elsewhere for answers. So of course I googled and to my surprise I find this. For one, it's aMoreRelief to know that I AM not alone, secondly, it saddens me to know that there are others out there who are as sad as I am. I used to cry every night, now it's only when Ian is alone or not busy. So I try to keep busy, so busy that I find myself neglecting my other children. There are grandchildren involved that I am denied, but the fact that my son willingly turned his back on me and his father was by far the most devastating thing that has happened to me in my life. Disrespect at the highest level is just the tip of the iceberg. We did everything we could for him, but nothing was ever enough. Ian to the point that I'm angry now! My flesh wants to thrash and cause him as much pain as he caused us. But as a mother, there is nothing I can do other than pray every morning and night for the Lord to help, guide, protect, and love the Lord. I cry and then start a new day from the beginning. I pray daily that the Lord will help me through all of this and give me strength. I know that one day he will come back and I will wait there.
    • deedee2652

      Leighann3 Hey Leighann, I don't know how long this has been going on. But one day you will get up and move on. I'm not saying he'll never come back

      But you will realize that the energy you put into the pain you feel is disrupting your life. It took over a year and just two weeks ago my daughter had the baby and wreaked havoc. And still flew in to see my other daughter and grandchildren. When I think of the disrespect and upset that I and the rest of the family went through, I made a decision to move on and accept. Again and again I feel the pain and then reject it. It's hard work but life is short and if for whatever reason our children can't accept us then we have to close the door. One day he will need his family. He doesn't lose you.

      Then one day the door will open.

      Wish you good luck and happiness and strength

    • Party C

      First, my slogan isn't Party C. It's Patty C. I don't know how to change it.

      I just want to say that I understand and have empathy for you Leighann3.

      My daughter who I haven't seen in 7 months showed up for Christmas and I saw her for 2 hours. She was at her laptop at the time and told me she had something to do. Went to her sister's house and said she would be back. Never seen again since. She has now left town to go home. I texted her on New Year's Eve to say Happy New Year and wish her luck. No reply received. I just texted her a few days ago to tell her about her grandmother's 91st birthday party and never got a reply. The party came and went and the night of the party she texted me...sorry I was busy and sick with a cold.

      I'm not writing back now. I hate that it has come to this. That I can't talk to my daughter but she's disrespected me so many times I'm over it. I'm sorry that she's not feeling well and of course I want to tell her that. But why, she doesn't even text me back when I say something. It's all terrible that this has happened and I don't know what to do. I need to save myself I am under so much stress and crying a lot and my life is worth more than that. I hope we can all be strong and move forward and praise God and love God and love everyone and I want most of all love my child but she won't let me. What a sad world this is. I'm sorry I'm not very encouraging, but I don't have any encouragement at the moment.

      • RobertStrankman

        Party C sounds like what your daughter is doing is known as "Fade." Kind of a way to let the relationship die violently without conflict just by not reacting. Few people would consider ending a relationship a good way, especially with one's parents,Morebut for some it can be an option of last resort when it's either that or an epic and painful argument. She's made it a point to be cold and distant in hopes that you'd just stop pursuing it. It also sounds like it worked. There's a bigger story here, though, and I'm curious to hear your side of it. You say '...she disrespected me so many times...' may I ask how? Is it just this fade out or did something else happen on top of that? I don't want to remind you of any pain, I'm just trying to listen deeper.
        • The writer

          RobertStrankmanParty C

          You are right when you mention the "fade" strategy. Many young adults use this tactic to shake off their parents because they find them disruptive. You want the relationship to die a natural death, but is it really natural?

          It is terrible for young people to treat their parents like this after benefiting from their efforts.

  • deedee2652

    So, just over a year ago, the day before my daughter's wedding, the real creature came into being. I've never seen anyone change like my daughter in my life.

    It's too long a story so I'll try to work through it quickly. Just before the wedding she moved to Florida to stay at my house.

    That was the plan. With that, my ex dies, her father. Mind you, she hates the man. But got money. Ha jackpot, what does a 26 year old know. Finance, also thinks he won the lottery. Anyway show the madness she makes it a part of her ceremony and prayer which is fine. But then a table next to me with his candle and his picture, then she dances with her grandfather who is ill and has

    Cancer and puts up a video and dedicates it to her father. Mind you, she abused him while he was alive and it doesn't make any sense.

    So after that the party starts. She starts accusing me of ruining her wedding, told me she has no respect for it, doesn't care if it hurts

    she feels nothing. And lives somewhere else now. went into a super big snowball. She hates her sister, accused her of stealing money from her father's estate, accused her stepfather of the same, I was spared this conflict. After fixing this situation, she found something else. She hates her sister because I gave her everything and she treats her like a baby. lol really. My older daughter had twins separated from her father and needed help if this happened to her it would be the same. Tried to get over it bit by bit.

    Stepfather went to talk to her, I talked to her and tried to break the ice. Text her sister Merry Xmas, wanted to speak to nephew.

    seems like we're getting somewhere. With that she goes into labour, yes she got pregnant. My other daughter goes to the hospital to surprise her and end the argument. Well, my daughter was treated with the utmost disrespect by her in-laws and was practically kicked out of the hospital. That made me ballistic. I gave up and told her to stay away. I can no longer deal with this pain and this hurt

    I still stuck to my plans to visit NY and never saw my new grandchild. So I stayed with my twin grandchildren and my other daughter.

    My other daughter wrote before I left that we were a disgusting and sick family, she even called her grandmother, yelled and demanded that we be cleared up.

    Now a lot more actually happened between what I wrote, but I would need many pages. I gave her a wonderful life

    and that is the thank you as a parent. Doesn't even talk to her nephews? They always ask about her.

    In my opinion, she was brainwashed by her husband and family.

    I won't allow myself to get hurt anymore. She needs to be outside to maybe see through the dark clouds.

  • jaine80xbee

    I tried to change the comment below after reading it... I'm sorry I tried to convert speech to text but since I have a huge ulcer in my mouth it didn't recognize my voice. I'll try to edit it so it makes a little more sense
  • jaine80xbee

    Hi everyone, my daughter was taken away by her father for half of the summer holidays in 2013, just as the laws were changing for her father. Equal parental rights as it said on her birth certificate, I was separated from her father. Since 2007. When my daughter was 4 months old,MoreHey dad, is 14 years older than me. And was always very manipulative. when will be together Alienated me from my family I lived in the Bible. And talked to my parents. If I could. He chose my clothes my jobs. Anything related to me. Was decided by him when we broke up. I went to college. I started ABA Honors in Modern Language Studies. My mother was diagnosed with motor neuron disease. 2009. And I took care of it. Until she died in August 2011. April 2012. I gave it to my daughter. Maggie Gabriel. Bid another man. She was stillborn. I have to hand her and myself over, and my partner at the time has her statute of limitations for here on May 11, 2012. In the year 2010. My brother-in-law. Died of lung cancer. Leaving my oldest sister devastated. She became addicted to alcohol. She was my only hope for support. During my mother's rapid demise. When they both died, my whole family. Just stop talking to each other. And everyone went their own way. My ex-partner witness. All. That has continued in my life. And since this is a perfect opportunity to hurt me even more, the courts have been unsympathetic, social services have been biased. You have not followed any procedures. What's the weather like? My files were lost during translation. Go between local authorities. Everything that could have gone wrong. Did? i just need help I just want my daughter back. I call her everyday if I can't get through I tell her how much I love her she is 10.5 years old now? She left me when she was 7. And me. Can not. Face another year. Without my daughter? In my life. Hey father, don't support? Any kind of interaction between us. When he looks, he stops us from speaking. As long as possible. This story is just fragments of a big, massive picture. So my apologies if it doesn't make much sense. Is someone. Able to give myself even the smallest piece of information or advice. Going backwards helps me somehow. To get my daughter back into my life I would really appreciate itxxxxxx
  • healing heart

    Sounds like your love is unconditional and that's admirable. We all love our children, but once they grow up, it's not our job to heal their pain. The relationship is a two-way endeavor, so if just one person invests, they can become mentally and physically unhealthy. But to each their own, more power to you and hope your strategy works for your circumstances.

    We got our jobs done, some more than others and some of us were exhausted from all the rejection...but I'm sure you're speaking of your situation once again because everyone on this site has a story and doesn't endure the same one can approach, since it is no longer about "ego or pride" but about "dignity" - and spiritual well-being. Everyone deserves to be happy...grown up children and parents who shared their time equally. ?

  • beeeem

    I did everything wrong. I'm on a new course starting today. I love my daughter and want her to have the best life possible. It's my job to heal their pain. I have cared for her since the day she was born. Now more than ever I need to give itMoremy everything 'cause there's a lot at stake. Time works against me, I want to experience joy with her again. Most of us would give our lives for our children. It's time to get rid of our egos, suck them up and make amends. I will see everything through her eyes, not mine. Everyone needs to get over the word abuse. This word could prevent relationships from moving forward. None of this is our children's fault. It doesn't matter if we don't agree. It's not about us. It's about us, doing our job, taking care of our offspring. they hurt It's up to the parents. Keep your fingers crossed that I can repair the damage. i will fight hard This is the fight of my life. I will do anything to change. I take full responsibility.
    • The writer

      beeceeme I wish you the best of luck, but remember to always be true to yourself. If you have to swallow every little bit of self-esteem, ask yourself if it's worth it. Much luck.
    • RobertStrankman

      beeceeme You are treading on very dangerous ground, even if that ground is paved with good intentions. It's not your job to heal their pain. Her pain is her story and she has sole responsibility for dealing with it. It may not be their fault, but it is their responsibility. She can ask for help, yes. You are welcome to offer it. But you raised her, your job is done. Hopefully you have taught her how to manage her pain, when to deal with it on her own and when help is needed... and from whom.

      I feel like I want to ramble, so I'll do my best to be brief. If you try to start the relationship with the mindset, "It's up to me as a parent to heal my injured adult daughter," you run the very clear risk of driving her further by disrespecting her right to deal with issues that arise your way. Admittedly, you didn't articulate what action you intended to take, nor did you share much of your story, so perhaps I'm just indulging my own past here.'s okay to take it very hard from your perspective...maybe start by acknowledging that you're available and letting her take the next step.

  • AbbeyNormal1

    I am so thankful to have found this site. I'm going through similar difficulties. I am very touched by all of the comments. Thank you all for helping me to realize that I am not alone. I was orphaned at 13 and all I ever wanted was a happy family. after oneMoreAbusive marriage and another long-term relationship with another mysoginist, I still had hopes to continue as a single mom. Years have passed and now I find myself estranged from my two children. I genuinely believe my 25 year old daughter is a sociopath. And recently my 15-year-old son turned on me. He behaves just like his father, condescending, argumentative and disrespectful. For years his father actively tried to turn my son against me and he succeeded. I feel sad, angry, confused and betrayed.
  • further

    Christian Mother - What Do We Need Forgiveness?
  • Christian mom

    It's been 6 years since my eldest son took my granddaughter out of my life. We had a difficult relationship after he "grew up" but I never dreamed that after 5 1/2 years he wouldn't see me anymore. For years I was heartbroken and criedMorea flow of tears! I've been through all the stages of grief and now I just feel numb. I have turned to God and His Word for my strength and He never fails us. It would be unbearable without God and His Son in my life, but "let go and let God is real" ! This life is hard for many people for many reasons mostly hit and miss by ourselves. But God does forgive and forget! We have eternal life to strive for, it was so important that God sent his only begotten son to die a cruel death on the cross so that we could be with him. Love and prayers for all of us on this site and in this situation! god child??
  • love myself

    Hello, I just found this page and feel compelled to write. It's been 4 years since my daughters removed me from their lives forever. I was married 24 years, always difficult as he was an alcoholic and manipulator, it has now been 14 years since the divorce. I had breast cancer when my daughters were 3 and 6 years old. My husband offered no support and as the girls got older they told me I was overdoing it and I needed to get over it.

    When I was married, both of my daughters were sometimes aggressive and disrespectful towards me, with my husband standing by and allowing this behavior while I tried to defend myself and understand their anger. I was the breadwinner, providing structure and discipline. Sometimes they were very loving and close. The divorce at 17 and 20 drove the wedge even further into the relationship. On Mother's Day 2002 they came to my apartment building and yelled at me that they had been told by their father that I would not allow him to buy a house and would prevent them from having an apartment. He wanted me to sign a legal document allowing him to buy a house while he goes through the divorce; I would not include this as marital property. Of course I wouldn't do that since he hadn't responded to any of my requests. (I could write a book about his actions that created a distance between me and my daughters.) My daughters and I had contact for a number of years, but then my daughters were told something I had said and they decided that they didn't want me in their lives anymore.

    I have been in counseling over the 4 years and have gained more peace and acceptance. It was extremely helpful to have a few good friends to talk to. Sometimes it's very difficult and I break down, but now I can talk about it with serenity most of the time.

    I'm so glad I found this group, nothing beats meeting others with similar experiences.

    Best regards

    • lcjantzi

      Dear LovingMyself,

      I had a similar situation and I feel your pain reading your post. It helped me to know that I'm not the only one going through these circumstances. Thank you for posting here. I hope you will keep posting your progress as it comforts me and maybe others too.

    • schön

      My ex tried to get me to sign off on his pensions (two) and house during the divorce. He got angry, his eye widening with anger and becoming menacing, but I held out. My sister deregistered her house during her divorce and became homeless as a result. Her ex was fine and remarried, but my sister Tina died of heart failure at 53.

      I'm so glad you held out, this is your investment if you need medical attention.

    • Plant

      I just found this site after googling "alienation" and reading your comment first. It took my breath away, not only because of the horrific "unfairness" but because it is so strikingly similar to my own experience. My ex was mentally broken but an accomplished manipulator. Lived well above his means, living on money from family members (had a Lexus, Mercedes and new Flex cars, but didn't pay child support because he was unemployed). I've always provided my son with a nice house and paid my bills with a no-frills nurse's wage, but we made it. My son got a Lexus from his father for his birthday and my son yelled at me because I wouldn't cover the insurance.

      ... I could go on and on but I know you have the picture.

      Until I read your post I thought I had gone insane and there were things I could have done to prevent this. Now my son will have nothing to do with me because I'm not paying for his college (he inherited nearly $1 million from his father's estate).

      • Amomof9

        Wow! My ex managed to buy lots and lots of expensive things while he was unemployed and filing for welfare so the system would harass me for him. The whole time I had the kids I didn't ask for anything, even paid child support while I had them with me untilMoreI could not anymore. I just said, "Not anymore!" The worst thing about divorces like this is that the kids get used to getting what they want because they know we're scared of losing them. But now I know that nothing I could ever do would be enough. I know that I may have to face the fact that I could never have a strong relationship with them. They have learned not to have relationships, but THINGS to hold on to, because to them, things can't hurt you the way people can. All we can do is be strong, move on with our lives positively and pray like crazy that God will work His miracles and one day they will see the importance of loving parents.
    • Amomof9

      I feel your pain deeply I have 4 children, 3 girls and 1 boy. My ex and I went through a difficult divorce beginning in September 2004, which he initiated after I took our children and moved in with my parents for a short period of time (not long because my momMorewas not good with the children.) I spent until Easter 2006 raising them alone. All the time he or his family would drive by my house and yell at me, spread rumors about me all over town, leave ugly notes on my car, sneak up on us in public, and try to run off with the kids, me try to bring back court to fight for custody. They threatened that I would never see my children again, etc. etc. The whole time he refused to even speak to the children on the phone. He said we were all dead to him, that he was starting a new family etc. Then one day he finally came to visit and we were stressed because he was already 2 hours late and the kids wanted to see him so badly. They were fighting over a dress to impress him and I was hanging dresses back then. One daughter pushed the other daughter, causing her to fall and hit a doorpost or hit her head, which immediately swelled and broke the surface of the skin. I reacted without thinking and swung a plastic hanger and slapped the older one across the lower buttocks, leaving welts. I knew I shouldn't have done it right after that, but I was so angry that she had hurt her sister in this way. Long story short, her father eventually showed up afterwards and finally got me to agree to giving him temporary custody in a case that was later dropped. I had no representation as my attorney was in the midst of an end of life crisis at the time without my prior knowledge. So my ex convinced me I had no right to see my kids, he filed on welfare and beat me as many times as he could with as much child support as was allowed and then spent over 2 years trying to get my kids estranged from me until they came to be too much for him and his young girlfriend. Then he finally let her call me, but by then the damage was done. They would spit hate at me whenever I disagreed or didn't do what they asked. The girls were the worst, but I kept trying. My son was the most abused by his new stepmother as she was too young to deal with, he was very close to me and was only 5 years old when he moved in with them. So he was a handful. My son has now moved in with me and my husband on his 10th birthday and the girls have moved in and out over the years, some multiple times. I've tried to help them, to show them that I'm always there for them, but they just use me and talk horribly about me and my new husband and stepkids. They don't respect me and post terribly mean things about me on Facebook for all our old family and friends to see. They've even gone so far as to say things like, "Just do us all a favor and kill yourself." But I've always tried to always be here when they say they want to work on a relationship again. But only until they don't get what they want. It was also hell for my hsband and stepmids. They berated them, stole from them, took over every time they came around. Despite that, I still miss her and wish things were different. Holidays are always hard and I remember and miss every birthday they have, but the pain is too great to bear to know what to do. The girls are now 18, 19 and 22 and have all lived with my family for some time over the past year but now they hate me again for cutting them whatever they want and not acting like a parent. Sometimes I wish they would just grow up and other times I'm scared to death of losing them forever. Our house is always more peaceful when they're not around. I don't know what's worse. Sometimes I enjoy seeing what they do on social media, then they use social media to intentionally hurt me. So I decided to unfollow them now. I just want to get on with life but I feel like half of me will be missing forever. Yes, it's hard! Mine say I just like to fight, but I don't. I just felt a desperate need to try to explain things and want them to listen to me. I always listen to her feelings, even when they hurt, but I can't take it anymore. So, maybe no hookup is better until she and you both can work through things on your own for a little bit. Sometimes it's nobody's fault. It's just trying to wade through the mess that life has thrown at you. Just know that you are not alone with your heartbreak and I believe that God sees our suffering and helps us endure. He has other plans for us that require strength of character, which usually comes from humbling ourselves first. I will pray for you and any parents here who are struggling.
    • way to happiness

      It sounds like you went through an allotment. It's a great decision that you weren't pressured into signing that legal document so he can buy a house (with you) and it's awful that they all seem to be ganging up on you.

      It sounds like you have a much bigger purpose in life than they do. Work on yourself, date, travel, volunteer, do charity work with other kids or teens...anything to take your mind off your disrespectful family and work on yourself. What do they say... YOLO (you only live once) and life is too short not to enjoy!!!

  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

    numberfiveminusone I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's health and wish you and your family strength and healing as you continue with this new information and diagnosis. I wanted to point out that I believe this commenter was replying to a previous parent on this forumMorewhich described issues with her son's mental illness, substance abuse and possible homelessness, rather than the information you shared about your daughter. I hope you will continue to be a part of our community and offer your insight and support to other parents who are in similar situations. Even if you decide against it, I wish you all the best in your relationship with your daughter. Watch after.
  • Spirited lady

    numberfiveminusone I am so sorry to hear your bad news about your daughter's health. This is not the resolution you were hoping for. Please know that you and your daughter and your entire family have my deepest sympathy. It's a lesson for all of us to be thankful for oursMoreChildren, even if they are alienated from us. We pray for her health and happiness and for a speedy resolution to the fracture. May your family find peace even in this troubling and frightening situation.
  • Acer Xpress

    This is very sad, I would speak to a consultant first because there is a lot to process. Next take care of yourself and just pray it out. Just breathe and take one day at a time and find a local Alanon group.
  • TracyStrick

    Unfortunately I have struggled with not having my daughter in my life for about 4 years now. I'm lost, confused, heartbroken and just plain devastated. She is my only child (not sure why that matters) I miss her so much.
    • way to happiness


      Why is your daughter not talking to you, what is her reason?

    • Superdips

      TracyStrick I'm so sorry Tracy, it must feel hard to have hope, I find that my hope is fading with each passing day. It's a grieving process that you just can't accept. Have you ever heard of The Secret, good at when you want something they say they doMorea vision board. So I went to my local store and bought a giant plexiglass clamp frame (cheap but pretty) very large. I'll put a photo of my daughter and what we could make of childhood there. I snapped a photo of our home woods where we took the dog and had a hot chocolate at the cafe in the middle, a photo of Bella Italia where you get free breakfast where we used to love to go. Nothing overwhelming. I don't think it will ever be fixed and I don't think yours will ever be fixed. I know when she finally comes to me I can't blame her, I can't leave her defense. The things I must say one day must be recorded for a long time. I send my love - like me I know what you want for Christmas I will pray although I don't believe much. xxx
      • Try and pray

        I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I'm in the same boat with my only child. My ex-husband and I divorced two and a half years ago and I've only seen my son once since then. I'm just devastated. I think about it all day every day.MoreI miss him so much.
  • healing heart

    Yes, you have evolved and most importantly you need to realize that you are only human and forgive yourself. For her, a year is a bit excessive and sad to see she can't speak it out, seeing that it was a maternal instinct to protect her from pain and admit her wrongMoredo. One thing I've learned is never to give advice, but damn we all make mistakes. Hopefully one day she will come to her senses and grow up and speak it out.
  • healing heart

    @Siprendips. We all make mistakes, forgive you. We all have boundaries, when you cross someone else's doesn't mean they should go that long without talking...I lost my mother a year ago and I'm glad I didn't have tantrums trying to distance myself...we have so discussed in time she would not repeat itMoreThings. And when she said something about a guy, I knew it was her maternal instinct to protect me...I have a daughter and one I've learned not to give advice...but we live and learn, damn we shouldn't be on eggshells have to walk to have a relationship with anyone.
  • Carol in Kentucky

    I need help. Long story, I'll summarize as best I can. We have a 30 year old son with and without drugs. In and out of prison. Gave him start after start, gave him cars, apartment, lived with us, jobs, money, clothes,MorePhones, food and money Rehab many times....he keeps walking....we finally had to STOP...Now he acts like he is insane - says he is the son of God, sees dead people.. .crazy actions. We don't know where he is, probably homeless. How do I deal with it? We don't like and agree with his lifestyle - so we told him he can't live with us. Please give me some advice - Carol
    • The writer

      Carol in Kentucky Could it be that you gave him too much?
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      Carol in Kentucky I am so sorry to hear about your current situation with your son. No parent imagines solving these problems with their child, and I know how difficult that must be for you. Ultimately, your son is an adult and can make his own decisions, including the ones that areMoreare illegal or potentially harmful. In the end, the only thing you can control is how you react and what boundaries you set for your son. At this point, it might be helpful to seek support for yourself as you work through this period. Signing up here in our online community is a good start! If you are interested in finding additional support in your community, such as B. Counseling or support groups, contact at 1-80-273-6222. 211 is a service that connects people to local resources. I know how difficult this must be for you and I wish you and your family all the best in the future. Watch after.
  • Superdips

    I am a mother preparing for when her 22 year old daughter wants to be in a relationship with me again. As I waited, I decided that I would take a close look at myself, my personality, my reactions, my judgment, and anything intact that could be a part of my daughter's alienation. I could sit and say how I raised my kids, always at the party, always playing, him, always encouraging, but the truth is, none of that matters, what matters is here and now my daughter is not in my life and hate hasn't been for almost a year. I miss her like crazy

    So I looked at myself. I made judgments about my daughter's boyfriend. I forgot to shut up - now I realize I have unresolved issues picking a boy who didn't treat me nicely at all. I wanted to protect my daughter from the villain I thought I saw. The truth is I forgot that I raised her and that she was a wealthy girl and that I should trust her judgement, not mine.

    I made a big mistake talking about her with her younger sister. Heck, I talked to her about her younger sister. I'm surprised the younger one trusts me at all. It was disgusting to do that. I am so ashamed - worse, my mother had done it and it left me without confidence. I can't believe I feel so rude and so stupid.

    I was critical of my daughter's clothing, especially the Bowling for Soup hoodie - oh my god I haven't changed on this one, I still feel the same. I still have to work on that :-)

    I really want to be fully engaged when she comes back into my life. I never want to let her down again.

    I'm sharing this just in case someone decides they could benefit from looking within as I do. If my daughter decides not to come back, at least I've evolved

    • adult child of narcissists

      Siprendips Thank you for posting this. I hope your daughter feels ready to work on a relationship with you as it seems you are trying really hard.

      For years I tried to mend my relationship with my parents and talk about how the medical neglect (refusing treatment for anxiety and punishing me for anxiety attacks and pulling my hair out starting in elementary school), emotional abuse, and Selfishness about my childhood and young adulthood hurt me. Long story short, I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer a month after my 23rd birthday and my parents refused to visit me or offer any financial, emotional or logistical support. I was a few months into my first job out of college and needed so much help, only to find that the people I could have counted on for the scariest, most dangerous moments of my life weren't interested. I lived a short affordable flight away but instead of seeing their potentially dying daughter they chose to spend a two week holiday abroad during the most dangerous part of my treatment and refused to give me emergency contact information because "There's no way the journey will be cut short." And yet I tried to maintain a relationship despite being hurt as badly as they treated me and slowly realizing that their actions during my treatment were emblematic of an abusive childhood , which I thought was normal.

      It was 5 years after my treatment that I was no longer in touch and in those 5 years I really tried to have quiet conversations and talk to both of my parents about how strained our relationship was and what steps needed to be taken to fix it to fix this. During that time, they minimized my emotions, offered half-hearted apologies ("sorry I'm not the parent you think you deserve"), and ignored my boundaries. I've made mistakes too, but at that point my biggest mistake was not cutting them out of my life the moment they showed no interest in me or my illness when I was sick.

      When I finally had to let them go after another dramatically horrible interaction, they acted like they had absolutely no idea why I was upset. Not only have we had this conversation for years, but I laid it out in my no contact letter, along with steps they could take to repair the relationship. But in their eyes they are the innocent victims. It kills me reading through these comments because so many parents refuse to acknowledge that they are at least part of the problem.

      I don't think my parents are able to admit mistakes and work on themselves to fix their relationship. Now they have two successful, well-educated, independent adult children who have become estranged. It pains me more than anything that they are so unwilling to lift a finger to have me back in their lives, preferring to live as a martyr for whoever will listen. I don't know the history of your daughter, of course, but I hope you can work towards some kind of understanding. It sounds a lot like you're really willing to do the work that needs to be done. <3

    • Superdips

      I'm really sorry you're feeling "read tired". Yes, I think being a young adult and being a parent are equally difficult. My daughter never treated me badly, she was incredibly respectful. She just kept her feelings to herself - I wish she had screamed nowMoreme from the rooftops. I want my daughter back in my life, I love her and I miss her and not a day goes by that I don't have a tear but I'm 58 years old and I'm the one with all the wisdom and life experience. I have to address myself and look at myself and move on or else I'll blame and when she comes home and I hold my breath and pray we'll fight and maybe she'll go away forever. She doesn't owe me anything. As an adult, she has choices and unless I accept her feelings with compassion and warmth without defense, I WILL NEVER HAVE THE PLEASURE OF SHARE THE REST OF HER LIFE.
    • RobertStrankman

      Siprendips I'm almost in tears. If I had read something like this from my mother years ago, we could have had a relationship. That's exactly what I wanted from my wife. Actually no, I wanted the willingness to recognize their own behavior. You passed thatMoreand are willing to change them. You are - and I would like to stress that this is about the best terminology I can use in this situation - exceedingly great.
    • The writer

      Siprendips My, my. I didn't know it was so hard being the parents of young adults today. I feel tired just reading.
      • mmof4boyz

        It's so difficult because today we're dealing with spoiled, self-absorbed adults. It's all about them and respect has fallen by the wayside.

        I would never have spoken to my parents or treated my parents the way my son treats me. I deal with so many emotions from shock, disappointment, pain to feeling like this just can't be real.

        My family is my life. It's all for me Maybe I'm deluding myself to think that he's felt the same way all these years. Now that he has two wonderful little girls, I think he would see the value of a family.

        • Superdips

          mmof4boyz I think life is really difficult because it's become a blame-pointing culture – we trip and before we left the cafe we ​​googled “claim” we just don't want to take responsibility for looking where we go. What strikes me is that when things go wrong in people's lives, it's easier to blame parents than to take responsibility and change. Fred next door makes £120,000 a year. says John, who skipped school on £20,000 - thinking to himself, "If my mother had tutored me, I would..."

          If I were you I would write a letter - just say feelings, you can find them by googling "list of feeling words". Don't blame how you feel. I would then request a coffee shop chat by putting the envelope on the table at the beginning and saying, "Just in case this went horribly wrong, I'd give you this to read later." Ask him to put it in his pocket and get started - The moment you reprimand him, he gets defensive and when we get defensive we stop listening instead


          I read "Your family is your life", you sound just like me and it's damn sad when our world is turned upside down. Without a crystal ball, we have no idea when or if that will change. Much luck

  • dlaharris

    My daughter was given everything growing up. He's probably the problem, she has a grandfather who would buy her anything and doesn't care if we ask him to stop. Now she moved out of our house when we asked her to pay for her phone bill and her carMoreInsurance. She is now living with grandma and grandpa at 26 and this side of the family is acting like Iris, our fault she doesn't talk to us. They treat my husband and I like sh-- and don't even know our side of the story and I've been married to their son for 29 years and they know we were good parents.
  • Beck 4131

    My daughter is now home for the holidays and things are worse than ever. I stood my ground and didn't give in. I didn't give her the sports car. I gave her my car which she hates and my son in law was trying to find a sports car.MoreSo of course we can blowout, I told him to let me be the parent. I took the sports car for tickets and disrespect, and until she can learn how to spell disrespect and use it properly, she doesn't get a sports car, I'm not overriding a title. So she got angry and went to my sisters for the rest of the week. I feel like I'm walking on glass around her, I'm trying so hard, but she told me straight out I'm not her friend, I'm her daughter so she just has to share about her grades and her health talk to me Her grades are bad and her health is bad, so I know that. smh
    • RobertStrankman

      Becki 4131 She is grown up. She has her own life, her own responsibilities, her own resources. You don't owe her anything material, money, cars, or a 50 cent candy bar (no intentional rhyme). They are not free resources and absolutely do not have to give what you deserveMorepeople who treat you badly. I find it interesting that you call it disrespectful. It would be if you were an authority figure. You are not. You are an adult trying to be nice to another adult. You don't have to *give* anything to anyone who is mean to you. Would she treat a neighbor like that if she asked for a cup of sugar? "I don't have to tell you what I'm baking or sharing. We are neighbors, not friends. just give it to me!”
    • way to happiness

      I had a similar problem with my children. Mine are home for recess too?, and my older daughter kicked the side of my sport BMW because I told her she could only use the Audi? These children have no respect and are not grateful for anything. i went outsideMoreand bought her a Ford for her birthday before college started laughing and trying to flush the keys down the toilet... What's wrong with our kids?
  • purple lace

    For my part, I have decided that I will no longer be a victim and will not be respected by my son. I was yesterday by Dr. Phil reminds us that "we teach people how to treat us," and that includes children. Looking back I realize I allowed my son and his girlfriend (both in their late forties) to disrespect me, I didn't speak up and that made me a doormat.

    After feeling sad and then angry, I pulled myself up and regained my self-esteem. I try not to think about him at all. I'm going to change my will and give it all to a charity.

    We cannot allow our children or anyone else to treat us like this. I'm sure we've all made sacrifices for our children and then that's how they treat us?

    Yes, it's hard to get to the place where I'm comfortable again, happy again, but I can't allow my son or anyone else to rule my life for another second.

    • way to happiness

      purple lace

      I totally agree, don't be a victim!! You treat others the way you would like to be treated. Tell us everything; What else did those disrespectful kids do to you?

      • purple lace

        Roadtohappiness I don't apologize for my son's behavior, but his girlfriend can't have friends, fights with her mother and sister. She criticizes her sister and sometimes they don't speak to each other for weeks. She wants to control everyone in her life. They came to my house for dinner and I canceled because my husband was not well, she took that as an excuse and said it was because we didn't want her there. Unfortunately, my son believes everything she says. She even convinced him that when he called us we thought he was a nuisance because we didn't answer the phone fast enough! My sister lives in another country and my son and his girlfriend went on vacation and she even rowed and insulted my sister! I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture.

        I don't see any hope of a reconciliation unless he leaves her and I really don't think that will happen.

        • way to happiness

          You seem like a nice lady to Violetlace. I read what you wrote...the thing is, you have to let your son go and make his own decisions, suffer his own consequences and experience life, it's a great way to grow up and learn! If you've raised your son properly (and frankly, as best you can), he'll come around eventually, if that's what he's supposed to do.

          Regarding his girlfriend, whether she can keep/make friends, gets along with her own mother or dislikes her sister is none of your business. That's her business, and judging or talking about a person (especially your son's girlfriend) like that is wrong. Your son is grown... and if he chooses to believe everything she says, respect his choices.

          Okay, even your sister got into a fight with that girl... that's a problem your sister struggles with. Not you!.

          Here's some really good advice - if you don't want to lose your son completely, respect his decisions. Don't speak ill of his girlfriend or future girlfriends.

          I also have a son, he had girlfriends (whom I secretly hated) and others who I absolutely adored.

          My son and I have a fantastic relationship, he tells me basically everything, he asks for my advice and I also tell him my own stories about my past good and not so good relationships. He listens to me and I also listen to him with a positive and respectful non-judgmental attitude because I love my son too.

          • purple lace

            Roadtohappiness Of course I never mentioned any of this to my son. I only told you about her actions so that you can get an idea of ​​what she is like. From day one we have welcomed her and her sister into our home, despite the fact that she has insulted us and ripped away our core values, which by the way are honorable and not imposed on anyone.

            I think our mistake was always making them walk all over us. We did this because our son is very sensitive to any criticism but despite everything he chose to ignore us.

            I'm not sure why you are in this forum as you don't seem to have any issues with your son so don't understand that even though we love and respect our son, he listens to his girlfriend who keeps telling us criticized .

            It's hard to respect your decisions when they're based on lies.

    • The writer

      Violet Tip I agree with Dr. Phil totally agree. People are treated as they allow themselves to be treated. If kids etc. know we won't take crap from them, they won't dare give us crap.
    • healing heart

      Yes, we're getting to a point where it's becoming easier to live without them, to hold on to our dignity rather than hang around and be treated like dirt.

      Hold on.

      • TracyStrick

        For my part, I will never find it easier to be without my daughter. I will never stop trying, never give up
    • Party C

      I cried through your whole letter. I feel the same as you. Have a similar experience. Just know that you are not alone. That helps a bit I hope.

      We must enjoy the last days of our lives. With or without our children.


  • discarded mom

    Much of it is b.s. It's always so great to blame the parents and convince them to suck it up and keep taking the abuse without fighting back...that way we can keep being abused for the rest of our lives.
    • RobertStrankman

      discarded mom You absolutely do not have to tolerate abuse. Nobody deserves that. It's not worth it when the price of reconciliation is your own continued emotional health. No way. Worse when you get to the point where you feel the need to defend yourself. At this point, the entire battle is already lost, because that's not how healthy relationships work.

      But when a parent wants to talk to their alienated child again, one of the earliest, most important, and most painful steps is to suck them up and listen. Not because there is a right and a wrong, but because being right is less important than being happy.

      That said, I've read your posts and assume your story is a bit more complicated than what the article referred to.

      • The writer

        RobertStrankman rejected Mother

        I agree Robert. Children, even though they are adults, don't understand that winning the battle is not the same as winning the war. Why go to war with your parents at all?

        I notice that many kids today are pushing their parents into corners where they either have to turn to fight or just face the walls.

        • RobertStrankman

          The Scribe I find your post fascinating.

          "Children, although grown up, do not understand..."

          They are adults. Plain and simple. When it comes to law and society, they are expected to be able to understand everything that is needed to navigate the world in which they live. In situations of alienation, they obviously do. To say otherwise is not only demonstrably wrong, but I would consider it cruel to deny someone the common courtesy of the expected social knowledge afforded to any stranger just because they happen to be offspring in conflict with their parents.

          "Why go to war with your own parents at all?"

          Why go to war with someone over personal conflicts? When someone doesn't respect personal boundaries, there's a good reason. If I repeatedly tell someone, "Please don't talk to your friends about my business," and they talk anyway, that's a reason to follow that line more consistently and take action for crossing that line. "If you don't stop discussing my affairs with your friends, I will stop discussing my affairs with you" for example. Such behavior would be unacceptable in a friend. Why are adults expected to tolerate it from their parents?

          No, I don't think these issues are unique to the current generation. I think they appear unique only because social media essentially both enforces 24/7 access to virtually anyone we want and provides a larger circle of support for people who would otherwise be committed to a family that has them makes you unhappy. It's easier to fulfill the desire to cut your parents out of your life when your social circle includes more people who know the person you want to be rather than the person your parents chose you to be.

          • The writer

            RobertStrankmanDer Schreiber


            I am sorry. I write from an oriental point of view. Our background is very different. I grew up in a traditional Chinese home (I'm foreign-born/foreign-raised Chinese). You know Confucianism - piety, ancestor worship, etc. We have to pay homage to our parents/ancestors, but our children are doing well today, they are so different from us, although they also grew up in traditional families. They don't believe in karma, destiny whatever. I think it's the mass media, the internet and cross-cultural influences.

          • RobertStrankman

            The Writer Obviously there is a big difference in thought here, and I don't mean the cultural one. You seem to value tradition - there are many cultural traditions in America, although few significant ones are older than maybe six generations - and I look at them as something we can embrace. Many cultures have built within themselves a form of close-knit loyalty and honor for the family. The story of Romeo & Juliet would not have so much weight if it weren't for the "taboo" nature of disobedience to our parents, which is implicitly understood before the story even begins. If you were to watch last decade's film starring Johnny Knoxville (the one whose title is a common term for donkey), there was a certain stunt that the infamous Steve-O refused because he didn't want his father to be like that was disappointed in him. I daresay it is a virtually universal cultural trait.

            A few months ago I set out the reasons for abandoning this tradition; My mother was typically emotionally abusive and we had old-fashioned personality conflicts when she wasn't. Even in my culture, I've met many people who expect me to take care of these issues just because "she's your mom." At what point in your culture would you consider it acceptable to sever that relationship knowing that at the end of the day my mother's greatest crime was simply being a mean person who constantly made me miserable?

          • The writer

            RobertStrankmanDer Schreiber

            Hello Robert,

            I had never and never would consider breaking ties with my parents, but if my siblings were mean, I would. Today's young adults in my community would nonchalantly put their parents down for maybe 10% of your mother's meanness. So I don't know who is meaner - the parents or the kids.

          • RobertStrankman

            The WriterI can't speak to your community. I can speak to many of the alienated adults whose stories I have had the privilege of hearing. Many of them sacrifice a great deal when they exclude their parents. You lose beloved siblings, pets, relics of cherished memories. If they wantedMoreto be mean, they would just piss off their parents and still see a beloved old toy.
          • listeners

            RobertStrankmanThe Scribe "dissolve this relationship"? Your choice of words makes it sound like the parent-child relationship is a corporate organization. Or a marriage.

            I think it's acceptable for people - including adult children, including parents - to withdraw from relationships that have become so rocky with conflict and disagreement that space and time are needed. The decision to step away from relationships is about both mutual respect and common sense. But after giving each other some space and time, the same barometers of mutual respect and common sense suggest that we turn back and at least try again to seek a path of mutual understanding, reconciliation and resolution.

            I understand that the picture of reconciliation and resolution will vary from family to family, from person to person. There are some truly dysfunctional people in our world who just can't function in a normal, emotionally healthy adult relationship. Were I the adult child of such a parent, I would maintain an appropriate level of physical and emotional distance, but I would still have some relationship (and that can be as little as the occasional card at Christmas and birthdays or whatever) and I would state my reasons for the distance I chose clearly and directly. Wish parents well, direct positive energy towards parents but keep a safe distance.

            And yet for so many grieving parents here the adult child has chosen to become estranged from the parents and the reasons are an absolute mystery as the adult child refuses to explain it believing the parents are " should know". For so many of these alienations, the decision to alienate is as dysfunctional as anything the adult child believes the parents are to blame, making the whole mess an act of hypocrisy. Dysfunction meets more dysfunction, and "who's right" is so distorted that when "apologies" are due, they're so mutual.

            In my view, alienation is dysfunctional and toxic—most often (with very few notable exceptions) as the claims the adult child makes of the parent that lead to the alienation. It's a scenario where dysfunction meets dysfunction. Hypocrisy in bloom. And really - what's the point? What I see is a lot of negative energy. A lot of. Adult children who are not really happy about the path they have chosen for themselves. And just look at the numbers of grieving parents on this some point this alienation thing "went viral." absurdly.

            They suggest the parents should apologize. For many, apologies are vastly overrated. It's just words after all. Some people apologize without ever meaning it. Some of us never apologize for anything, yet our actions speak to regret about our past choices. Sure, in theory, all parents should “apologize” for any imperfection in trying to provide every child who is now grown up with the perfect childhood that that illusory “perfect childhood” didn't receive. All parents make mistakes in the course of parenting. I've never met an adult who wanted children and who planned to be the worst parent ever. It's always the exact opposite. Every person starting a family begins with the best of intentions, usually to be as good or better than the parenting he or she received. And then life happens, and since we are all flawed beings, we make mistakes in life.

            So if you follow your logic, every adult child should apologize to their parents for not being the perfect child. For occasional mistakes, whatever they may have been.

            If the playing field of relationships is to be on an equal footing, based on mutual respect, then apologies are owed everywhere—if apologies are your thing. Finally, tango includes 2. Show me a parent guilty of this or that, I'll show you a child guilty of this or that. We will both refer to the same family. We are all flawed, imperfect beings, and living a real life is as much about learning to tolerate the imperfections of our lives - which happens to include flawed people, some of whom live in our families, as we must learn to tolerate all other imperfections to tolerate that we encounter.

            Now, if the adult child's complaint relates to physical, sexual, or substance abuse by the parent, I advocate that the adult child draw a line and tell the parent: You are on your own. But again, direct statement of intentions and reasons. Oral or written or both.

          • RobertStrankman

            AListenerAs I said when I first started commenting on this topic, part of my intention was to have a little healthy debate with people who are more opposed to no contact than with the supportive people I've surrounded myself with (and tried to be). I have to thank you for taking part.

            My choice of language on the subject of my own alienation is rather cold and distant. Part of that is the medium. Considering how many alienated parents are on this site, the fact that this site is very easy to find by googling "estranged adult children," and the fact that I try not to blame strangers I do my best to avoid using emotionally charged language. The other reason is that I have the benefit of years of reflection to be able to articulate synonyms for the breakdown of the parent-child relationship. For one thing, we're not talking about "parent-child relationships." We speak of "adult relationships between one person who raised the other." That's a very important difference, because there's a dynamic that changes significantly when someone starts supporting themselves and no longer depends on mom for survival.

            The term "entitled" is used quite frequently by parents on this site and other sites who bemoan the selfishness of the generation blamed for the antagonism. I hate using it, but it seems to be the only thing I want to say: Parents have no right to a relationship with their adult children. When there is a healthy relationship, it is a gift to be cherished, as are all healthy relationships. But having a relationship with one's parents is not a prerequisite for a happy life, nor is it a symbolic attempt to form a relationship with someone who causes unhappiness. Is that the cost of food and clothing as a child? "So I'll make sure you don't starve or freeze to death...but in return I'll be a controlling monster for you when you're 25 and you just have to put up with it!"

            But then why go to the point of alienation? The examples on this page don't tell much of a story, mainly because they come from people who want the relationship and don't understand why they don't have one. Also, we don't exactly have tons of parents and alienated children arguing things over, so we only get one side of the story. I can only speak from my own experience and the experience of the few confident adults I've had the privilege of speaking to with similar stories. And from this side the reasons are given long in advance, they are simply not listened to. "Mother, I really don't like it when you talk about my hair. "Stop giving up my career. I work hard and make a living at it.” Who would tolerate a friend who behaved like this even when asked to stop? Who would tolerate a spouse who is a source of deprecation? These things seem so small, I know, but they are behavioral warnings that are somehow ignored when adult offspring raise them. The mere act of ignoring is one of the most cruel behaviors of all when it comes to denying someone the basic ability to choose how they feel about another's words or actions. This isn't about flaws or imperfections, it's a matter of systemic emotional cruelty. To quote Louis CK, "If you've hurt someone, you can't decide you didn't."

            Worse still, in the case of emotional abuse, there gets to a point where even asking someone to change their behavior becomes an opportunity for more abuse, often in the form of old-fashioned gaslighting. "I really wish you would stop commenting on my weight." "I never said anything about your weight!" If this type of behavior has been present in childhood, giving a reason can actually be dangerous. How do you use words when those words can become the very weapons used to hurt you?

            However, recognizing the impact of personal behavior on others is a type of emotional intelligence that everyone struggles with. That's fine. This is where the apology comes in. You are right that apologies are often meaningless, either through a lack of sincerity or the presence of intentional sincerity. If the alienation has already occurred and the reasons are unknown, no action is available. Not even the right words are available, because what is right is not even clear. An apology is all anyone can do in the beginning. No apology for being an imperfect parent and making mistakes, an apology from one adult to another that says, "I'm willing to admit what I did that hurt you."

            As for your line "Every grown child should apologize for being an imperfect child," apologies and acts of regret are indeed part of growing up. Mistakes are made, learned from, punished as needed, and that in turn creates a human being. Emotionally aware adults have already apologized for their imperfect behavior in their youth. They did this by growing up.

            At the point of alienation, the playing field is not level. At all. There is no sense of mutual respect or understanding. There is no sense of reciprocity. There is a party that wants a relationship and a party that doesn't want a relationship. It's a really cold thing to say. Embracing it is the only way the party that wants the relationship will get one. This isn't about who made mistakes, whose shortcomings were worse. This is about someone saying, "I want a relationship and I'm willing to make reasonable concessions and be wrong about important things until I can fix it." If it takes two to tango, one has to turn on the stereo and let the other lead until they both find the beat.

            I'm speaking from the heart here: I don't care if my mother thinks I'm imperfect. I don't care if she thinks I'm the most selfish person who ever lived. Your opinion of me doesn't matter because it doesn't matter in the life I've created without you. I'm trying to better understand my memory of her as a matter of my own personal growth and as a matter of making me stronger for those I love and who love me back. I have no scruple to submit to her uncanny ability to find any emotional trigger she could find and potentially destroy all the progress I've made on myself in the years since. In fact, I have a stronger moral obligation to protect myself from this situation. The fact that there are people around me who would pick up the pieces if she inevitably broke me apart means they deserve not to have to. Even if they were entitled to any part of me, they are entitled to every part of me.

  • Ellvicfoy

    My daughter and her husband and my granddaughter moved in with us for financial reasons. I thought things were fine. One morning I noticed the room heater was on all night and I asked my daughter not to leave it on. This led to an explosion. My daughter started swearing at me. I listened to her but didn't hear anything except for the smart teenager I've dealt with in the past. I answered but I don't remember what I said. I know I was referring to her youthful mouth. She was very upset and they left. I thought they were going out for the day to cool off. Night came and they didn't come back, they didn't come back the next day either. I was starting to worry, but knowing my daughter, she wanted to prove something. then her husband showed up to move things there. he didn't want to tell me now i'm angry the disagreement wasn't enough to evoke such a response i tried to reach them/no response i found out they were at her brother's house that was ok with me

    A week later I heard that they have moved again, now I wonder how they will afford it, after all they were in my home because they had no money. But if you want that, fine.

    I tried and tried and tried to talk to my daughter. I missed her and my granddaughter. Then she wrote me and said that as long as we were in a bad and unhealthy relationship, she would never allow me to see my granddaughter. she is 2 and i have been with her almost every day since she was born... i love her with all my heart. she is my joy. I was heartbroken, I cried and cried for days. I ended up at drs because I couldn't handle the situation. I tried to talk to my son. He sided with his sister and refused to speak to me.

    To make matters worse, I received another text message a week after her text message telling me that she had been diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. nothing more than that!

    I have no contact with her, I don't know where she moved to and I've been completely disfellowshipped!!!! My son also excluded me. What do I do now?

    • way to happiness

      @Ellvicfoy I totally agree with what RobertStrankman commented. This argument wasn't about space heating. You need to get over her teenage ways. It is normal for teenagers to get angry, scold, sometimes be disrespectful and fight with parents. So they learn, grow up, it can be a hormonal growth thing (apart from brain development). And yes, some teenagers are worse than others. The thing is that she is not a teenager now, she sounds like a person who is stressed out, with a young child, with financial problems that can also cause marital problems.

      Learn to let go of some problems, sometimes turn a blind eye to things... some problems just aren't worth the problems. Sometimes the BEST decision a person can make is to do nothing, just agree, or say nothing.

      In regards to talking to your daughter again, you must apologize. Listen to your daughter, go for coffee, go shopping with her (if you have the money), enjoy her and make time for all the fun things that mother and daughter were blessed with. Focus on building a relationship with her...not the choices she's made. Focus on "her" as a beautiful, wonderful person with a great future and be positive. It sounds like she really needs you. ?

    • RobertStrankman

      Ellvicfoy That's a tough story, no matter how rare it is these days. But... you asked, "What do I do now?" and as someone who has edited his mother out in a not entirely dissimilar way I can at least give you an idea of ​​where to start.

      The issue that caused your daughter to end your relationship with you was not a space heater issue. You said it yourself, you didn't hear anything but a smart teenager. But she's not a teenager (or if she is, she's mature enough to make it without you). That little disagreement was very likely the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back, a little disagreement that's only exemplary of the larger issues you've had with your children for a long time. There's an unhealthy dynamic that your daughter just decided wasn't worth having.

      What can you do? Well, the best way to go from here is to start with a sincere apology. Not for any specific action—you don't know what you did and you can't do it until she tells you (if she even remembers)—but just because you hurt her. If she answers at all, listen to what she has to say calmly and without prejudice. If she sets a limit, don't cross it. Whether you think she's right or wrong, her feelings about the relationship she has with you are hers and hers to act on.

      Speaking of which, your problems with her are yours too. You decide how you want to proceed with her. I'm just telling you apologize because it seems like you're the one who wants the relationship. If she has something you want, you have to follow her rules to get it. At least until the relationship is strong enough to endure a disagreement. It is up to you to decide what is acceptable behavior on her part. Obviously, counseling together and separately would help expedite the process...or at least give you both some growth and understanding of other relationships should things go wrong and stay that way.

      I really hope that you and your children are doing better.

      • KtotheARMA

        RobertStrankmanEllvicfoy summed it up.
  • Beck 4131

    My daughter went to college and in her freshman year she decided that I should grow her up fast. We're growing up enough to make decisions, but I still pay all her bills and give her a car to drive. Before she went to college, we didMoreWere so close that I realize she needs to grow up, but letting go doesn't happen overnight. I told her that she has to be an adult for the rest of her life to be a kid as long as possible because she has to pay bills and take care of things early enough. But she thinks I'm still trying to run her life. But this kid gave up texting me about turning gay after months of lying and hiding it. To tell me it was a mistake, that it was her. never gay Being very disrespectful to me and hanging up the phone if she doesn't like what I'm saying. She has received multiple speeding tickets, texted while driving and got mad when I took her car when they canceled my insurance. She always interferes with my son-in-law and because he is an idiot, he puts himself over his wife for her and causes a problem with his wife. There is so much tension in this family that it has now reached the extended family that it is now two weeks before Christmas and I don't want to go abroad to my mother because of all this. It's a mess.
    • dlaharris

      i'm in the same boat I don't want to go to my in-laws for Christmas. They hardly speak to us because they have sided with my daughters. I know my husband is going. I don't know how he'll take it if I refuse to go. I can't have everythingMoreMy loved ones are mad at me, I'm going insane.
    • healing heart

      I would not allow her mistakes and behavior to be rewarded by neglecting your relationship with your mother. Believe me, I've lost many great bonding moments with other grateful family members to a dramatic daughter over the years. Now my mom is gone and I wish I hadMoreappreciated my time with her more.
    • Ellvicfoy

      Becki 4131 I am very sorry that you have to deal with this during the holidays. I am now a mother of 5 adults and have many problems with them. All I can say is love her and hold on for the ride of your life. Protect yourself. if abusedMorea privilege has consequences. She is young and will test all limits. hold tight..... love her and let her know. but don't give up...tell the son-in-law to mind his own business...
      • Beck 4131

        Thanks and I told him to mind his own business but he threatens me with my grandkids, he tells me if i don't do what they want i can't emotionally blackmail the kids anymore
        • healing heart

          That's not a way of life, I've been there where kids are used as pawns but always say their kids will grow up one day and always remind me how parents behave and the good people they shut out. Better to hold on to your dignity than hold on to itMoreAgony! Even if it means detaching from the wings and living well
        • The writer

          Becki 4131 A person who resorts to emotional blackmail is immature. Just ignore him.
  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

    lostOrMom I hear how hurt you are right now and I'm glad you're here looking for support. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling right now and I also want to emphasize that life is still worth living. I encourage you toMoreContinue working with a counselor who will help you process your grief and develop a plan to protect yourself in the face of despair. Additionally, if you are feeling hopeless or unable to move on, I strongly encourage you to contact at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I also hope that you will continue to write and share your experiences. As you can see from the numerous comments on this article, you are not alone in this experience. I wish you all the best for the future. Watch after.
  • Broken Mother1

    I found this article helpful today. My 17 year old son completely cut me off. He even went so far as to have the police contact me and tell me not to contact him! I totally understand that he moved out but being so cold towards me is stunned not only for myself but for my entire family and all of our friends. I've seriously freaked myself out with this. I worry about changing into a different person. I still have 2 small children at home and sometimes I worry that one day they will hate me too.

    I'm breaking up with friends, I'm really tired of anything social and that's not my personality. I was feeling pretty confident about myself and my parenting skills, now I can't even make a decision about dinner without feeling inadequate! I cry so easily and get angry almost as easily. I hate this person, I feel like I'm fighting inside. The doctor just wants to prescribe me pills and that won't solve my grief... Thanks for your article. :)

    • Carolme

      Brokenmom1 I'm so sorry to hear your story. I've been told so many times that children's brains aren't fully mature until @26. Then add teenage angst and their desire for independence. It can be a real challenge. It is very difficult to break away from the child you have raised. For your own peace of mind and (hopefully) just for now, that sounds like what you might need to do. In these situations, as we all know very well, you don't have many options. My teenage son was absolutely unhappy and even dangerous to me at times. I'm still a bit incredulous that my older daughter cut me off over the last few years. She is 28 and moved to Cali with my 22 year old son. He recently decided that I treat him like a child and have not done anything for him in the last 4 years. Hard to believe when he lived with me and didn't work or go to school for 2 years. I'm sure his sister has a lot of influence. I worried that one or both might have been in that terrible Oakland fire. With only a phone number for my son, I called yesterday and left a message that was partially cut off. When I called back he answered and hung up mid-sentence. At least I know he's alive.

      I cried a river of tears and little things upset me. It's easy to get depressed and I'm usually a very happy person. I try not to isolate myself, but that's not always feasible. I focus on my health and try to take care of myself as much as possible. Doing things for others also helps a lot.

      Hopefully the fact that you have two younger children is a good distraction for you. Please remember, YOU haven't done anything wrong. As good parents, we commit from the start to do our best. A teenage prospect is usually very selfish and is all about her. Try to do small things to make yourself feel better. And continue to love and care for your two little ones as best you can. they need your love Nobody can predict what will happen in the future. Do not give up hope. I'm sure your son knows you are there for him and will realize that he needs you and his family.

      • discarded mom

        CarolmeBrokenmom1 maybe your brain is actually maturing at 46 - I have two daughters who are estranged and both are in their 30s. they are both extremely immature
  • Spirited lady

    John Rotten I'm so sorry that she thinks it's all or nothing. This is really painful. She cuts herself and her son off from love and support. Connections are so important to every generation. There are so many stories like this. Unfortunately, millions of grandparents experience this. IMoreI hope you send notes, cards and small gifts to your grandchild. My strategy is simple, don't give up, don't complain, don't expect anything from my son, just focus on his kids. My son doesn't mind, although some of my friends aren't even allowed to send gifts.
    • healing heart

      @Spiritual Lady

      Very good advice, feels like my story.

  • healing heart


    I'm sorry to hear your story, hang in there and stay strong. To contact your mother, a card or a short note can be enough as this is a very delicate situation and losing her younger sister, your aunt, is a real sorrow for your mother. Take care, hope to reconnect and be well when the time comes!

  • Dannedifudo

    I am a man with autism, alienated from my family. and my extended family. If I had a choice, I would only become estranged from my mother as my estrangement stems from the abuse she endured. But I cannot be in contact with any member of my family as it is considered a rift to put a wedge in and force me to reconnect. I have clearly stated my terms of reconnection. recognition of what she has done. An apology for everything she's done. Or an admission of mental illness and a diagnostic procedure. I have three sisters that I don't speak to. no fault of your own. They're just navigating the same waters as my mother. so she senses it and dominates the process. I recently heard that my aunt passed away. It's a shock. My recent interactions with her have been bad. She admonished me to alienate myself, she refused to accept that my actions were justified. and refused to see my allegations of abuse as anything other than excuses for my laziness. I stopped looking for any level of communication from any family member after failing in that interaction and my next true contact was to say that she is dead. The funeral was yesterday. I thought you should know.

    I have to speak to my sister or my mother today. and express my sorrow But I don't feel sad. I sense fears. I'm scared of this call because it's against my rules given the issues between me and my mother. her youngest sister died three days ago. I wouldn't trust her to use this to his fullest advantage to cast guilt against me. tries to wrap me around her finger Pull me toward melee range again.

    i stop here Otherwise I write forever.

    • MaryCyrDacus

      Don't call. Don't act like that. Send a nice card. Or a nice arrangement to the house.

      You are in control of who hurts you.

      • discarded mom

        Exactly MaryCyrDacus!
    • number five minus one


      I'm sorry about your aunt. my condolences I understand why you are afraid. How sad that we have to fear contact with the people in our lives we thought should love us. I hope your contact with your sister and mother went well.

    • The writer


      Hello Dan,

      If it's as bad as your second paragraph describes, I don't see why you had to express your "sadness" when you don't feel any. All you feel is fear. Therefore, do not give in to social pressure. Simply ignore. Good luck and take care.

  • LK

    What about the situation of a grown son who decides to distance himself from his father who has been emotionally unavailable since day one? Here is the concrete situation: father and mother are married and still are today. Father was emotionally unavailable, father and adult son never had a good relationship (different personalities and interests), and this bothered the adult son a lot in his childhood. As an adult, the adult child has made advances and tried to bond through shared interests. Recently, out of the blue, the father upsets the adult son over a purely trivial matter (eating leftovers). At that moment it occurred to the adult son that the father's instinct should be cruel and mean and not step back before speaking (reminiscent of the adult child's childhood). The adult son does not wish to completely sever ties with the father as this would cause grief to the mother and younger adult sibling, but the adult son wishes to avoid future frustrations by attempting to spend time and bonding with the father. This event showed the grown son that beneath the surface the father still does not see the grown son as someone worthy of respect and love.

    Additional background information: The adult son is a successful lawyer in his late 20s and is no one's burden. In this case, is it really the adult child's fear that prompts him to consider this course of action, or has the father's actions alienated the adult son to a point of critical mass? Why would the adult son want to keep trying to maintain a father-son relationship when the father clearly sees his son as someone who doesn't deserve to be respected and loved? The grown-up son is not angry about this; Rather, the grown-up son has no feelings towards the father at all at this point. The grown son feels that distance between his father and himself is the only constructive way to move forward in life. Please give your opinion on this hypothesis.

    • Mastic8

      @LK Does he only do this to you or you and your siblings? Is it like that with anyone else? Most important of all - did you tell him what you told us? This is your starting point. If he doesn't want to or can't change, tell your siblings and your motherMoreyou will do it - then do it.
    • listeners

      @LK I am an estranged parent of 2 adult children of the same general age as you and your brother. Dismiss my views as biased, but in truth I strive to be objective. The short answer is I don't think you should alienate yourself from yoursMoreFather or parents based on what you describe. That means I understand! I don't think you should be a doormat. They deserve and are entitled to your respect. Sometimes we also need to look beneath the surface of other people's actions to try to understand and come to terms with them within ourselves. Why is your father acting like this? Of course I don't know. But there is an answer, and I encourage you to think about it. He gives hints – that's human nature. is he a happy person If not, that's a big clue right there. I suspect he's not a happy person. Could he be jealous of you? You sound like a successful person, and he wouldn't be the first parent to react negatively to a successful child and feel "shown" because he or she sees himself as a failure. Let's not assume I have that right, just for discussion. Of course, it is wrong for parents to be negative about a child's achievements in life. It's twisted. Irrational. We should celebrate our children's success in life. But many of us are clunky, imperfect beings with our own psychological stuff that we bring to the family table of parenting. And if you're able to see your father as that imperfect, flawed, low-self-esteem person who's basically unhappy, well, now you know that's what's in your hands, and you can lead to resigned acceptance (after all, he's not likely to change). Leaving such a person isolated from everyone in society is punishment for their mistakes, but is that what you want to do? Compassion has a power and I hope you find it in you to feel some compassion to understand that you were born to a flawed parent. But distancing oneself - I see that very differently than alienation, which I interpret as complete cutting off. I'm all for social distancing, minimizing interactions, etc. You need to live your life and be everything you can be in your own life, full of all the experiences and joys you're allowed to have. Walk! Do it. Break free from the shackles of an awkward, overbearing father who won't celebrate your achievements with you because of the stuff that's going on between his two ears. But don't alienate yourself. You can check in every now and then, express love from a safe distance and basically keep in touch by visiting the family home every now and then. And if dad is being awkward towards you, you can always keep your visits short or your phone calls short and keep your emotions in check. This is how you develop new habits of self and take control of the relationship in a way that you are comfortable with. It's far, far less than alienation. That's friendly. And it's fair. much luck!!
    • number five minus one


      Hypothetically, I think a grown son should tell his father how he feels. Leave the ball in its court. The father really needs to hear how his words hurt. If he blows that away, then I think the best thing is to create distance. By the way, I'm really touched that you consider your mother's and younger sibling's feelings. You sound like a very caring person.

  • Rachel

    That is a big help. Many Thanks. After 18 years of what I consider to be a very happy relationship with my younger son, he abruptly told me that he hated me for the last 2-3 years because I let him down all the time and neverMoreGive him enough freedom to do what he really wants to do. I was totally amazed because I spent a lot of time with him doing the sports he loves - skiing, snowboarding, tennis, badminton, squash, bouldering. I was a soccer mom. I've helped him get to Frisbee tournaments, practice sessions, mountain biking and rock climbing. I welcomed and cooked for his friends without question. I bought him clothes and equipment if he wanted it, within reason. I occasionally say that I can't afford something yet. I explained that he needs to take out a loan for college and that is his responsibility, not mine. He was upset about this at first, but I figured he'd gotten used to the idea over the past year or so. I left his father when he was 4 but we live close to each other and have remained good friends throughout. There has never been any animosity and both my children have always told me that they think they have the best of both worlds. My older son was much more difficult growing up, but left home shortly before he turned 18 and keeps in regular contact with me. This new development happened yesterday via text message as I work away 4 days a week. I will see my son on Thursday evening. I couldn't sleep much last night and I cried. I read many articles to prepare myself so I don't react wrongly. My replies to my son's messages should simply reaffirm that I love him, point out some of the things we do and what I do for him, and express confusion as I thought we were truly happy. I know I can handle this. I hope it's something that can be forgotten in the future and doesn't impact too much on what is essentially a great relationship. But for the first time in my life, I think I know what it means to be heartbroken. I felt rejected by my own parents the whole time I was growing up and really by my mother until my 40's. I've never found the right man for me - I tend to turn to people I feel sorry for or men who aren't good for me. I don't think I've ever felt so alone as I do now. My condolences to everyone out there who experienced this.
    • number five minus one


      sorry rachael I hope your visit went well. Your son is very young and I wonder if the thought of paying for college overwhelms him.

  • SMC

    We have been estranged from my stepdaughter for five years.

    We have always loved her and always wanted her in our lives. We tried

    be there for her, but the relationship was very one-sided. She hired them

    Boundaries and when you crossed them, she erased you from her life. That

    The last occurrence was because we felt worried about her and a little bit unsettling

    Comments/images she posted on social media. Because of this, she became

    very angry and broke off their ties with everyone on the paternal side

    your family. My husband tried unsuccessfully to get in touch. Even his ex-wife

    approached him about 1.5 years after the estrangement to let him know

    She didn't agree with her daughter, but wasn't willing to resist or put the trust in her

    Relationship with her daughter in jeopardy, so the estrangement continued.

    That was until two weeks ago when my stepdaughter decided to end her life

    because "no one loved her or ever would love her". That's it. How does this work

    happen? I've been through so many emotions but I keep getting stuck in anger.

    I want to forgive, but I can't get over the fact that we gave her something

    Whatever she wanted, she would have us in her life. How selfish is that? And now you

    committed the ultimate act of selfishness by hurting everyone she is with

    ever developed a relationship. I'm really struggling to get over this and that

    endless concern for the recovery of my husband and son. I could come across as

    numb, but that's after five years of hurt and pain and now this.

  • mojo

    Thank you very much.

    Reading this helped a lot.

    My 35-year-old daughter has decided to cut off contact with me.

    Her brother committed suicide over 14 years ago at the age of 17.

    I separated from my husband 8 years ago, my family has disappeared.

    I'm lucky to have very good friends, but I miss my daughter and 2 grandchildren.

    • dlaharris

      Heartfelt condolences. I can't imagine one of my children dying before me. I pray for all of us parents who lack contact with our children.
    • Party C


      It doesn't matter why your daughter decided to break up with you, it's still a shame that she is doing so. I have a situation with my 3 children. One is controlled by a friend who decided from the first few months that he didn't like us and hasn't spoken to us since or even been around on vacation. My daughter lives a few blocks from me and has my only grandchild that I get to see once a week for babysitting and on vacations. This daughter chose this friend over her family. She also stays away from the extended family. This put a lot of strain on our family and other siblings. They love their sister and when they come to town they don't tell us and stay over this daughter's house. We are excluded and feel like outcasts. This is such a sad time in our lives and we should be reaping the rewards of raising good children, but we are not. I cry a lot and try to be happy, but this confronts me every day with our broken relationships. I'm 63 now and I want to live out my retirement in peace and happiness and I can't seem to. I'm going to therapy and it has helped, but I'm still deeply saddened. I love my children very much and I want to spend time with them. I want a relationship with you and know what is going on in your life. I pray that one day that will change and they realize we won't be here forever. Before it is too late.

    • Live2bnana

      @mojo I'm sorry for the loss of your son and for the loss of your current situation. You have suffered many losses over the years and I have lost sympathy for your family's comment. My daughter who is 32 and has a little girl (6) and a boy (2) has severed all ties with me. To the point where she severed all ties with anyone who had anything to do with me. My 81 year old mother received a letter telling her that my daughter could not communicate with her because I was using my mother to get to her. She changes her phone number email address

      And block all social media and recently quit long term jobs and moved to another state. One of her favorite teases was that I didn't back down and research or find a way to contact her. You, my daughter, am I just losing all contact and don't even know where she is? So I did some research and I know the city and state she is in, but I have not contacted her or let her know that I know where she is. I've made the decision to back off and not contact her as hard as it is. The hardest thing, as you said, is that not only do I miss my daughter, but I also miss my grandchildren. It's a very empty feeling in family time not having a family.

      • Party C


        I am so sorry, you are not alone. We have difficult times when families are far away and separated. No contact. I had no contact with my daughter for 6 months. Very sad. Hold on and pray.

    • Rachel

      @mojo I feel sorry for you. I hope she comes back to you.
  • FIG jam

    Thanks, that was very helpful!
  • purple lace

    I wish I knew the answer as to why adult children do this to us, their parents, but I don't. I haven't seen my son in over a year and I have no idea why he isn't answering emails or letters. First I asked him to tell me the reason and get in touch. He never did. First I was sad, then angry. Being angry made me strong and one day I decided to stop begging or pleading. So I have now broken off all contact regarding birthday cards etc.

    I decided he wouldn't mess up my life, yes of course I think about him sometimes but for the most part I remain firm in my determination to move on with my own life and not let him get me down.

    He must be the one contacting me and his father.

    This may seem harsh, but it's the only way I can handle it, and I have to say it's working. I think about him less and when I do there is still some anger but it just spurs me on to go my own way and enjoy my life.

    He gave me no other choice.

    • discarded mom

      @violetlace it's all you can do. I have two estranged daughters and I refuse to be their living doormat any longer. They spat out lies about me to others. They have written public blogs that also list endless lies and fabricated insults to gain sympathy. There isMoreno reason to expose ourselves to this garbage another day. I don't believe in writing letters and sending cards every month, as the author suggests...this is perceived by the alienated as submissive and makes us look weak and pathetic. They laugh about it and I'm tired of giving them a reason to laugh. No, on the contrary, I'll take care of myself and do the things I've been holding back just in case they come back. Forget it. it's not worth the trouble. Take care!
    • Mastic8

      @violetlaceYou are doing the right thing. You deserve an explanation. Until you know what's wrong, you can't fix it or try to explain it. Live your life and live it well. When he comes back, demand an apology and an explanation of what he did before you make up your mindMoreto accept him again. Let him know what he did was unacceptable and you are not a doormat. Now get out there and experience the hell of life so when he comes back you can catch up on what he missed.
    • lcjantzi

      violet lace,

      I did it just like you. I have three adult children. I know the relief it brought me not to continue the contact. I don't know about you, but it seemed to me that with every contact (birthday, holiday, etc.) I felt like I was just toying with their intentions to make me feel more rejected and maybe to validate that I loved their relationship needed more than she did mine. I was angry too, but my anger subsided greatly when I decided to stop contacting her. I think I was angry at myself for letting myself be treated so unlovingly, even disrespectfully. I now believe what has come to light in me is that after refusing to communicate with me for two and a half years, they must know the reality of alienating me as their mother. Although it saddens me, they need to realize what it's really like to live without your mother. As I think of them, usually first thing in the morning, I pray that they will come to the truth and be loving and respectful again. Yes, like you, Violetlace, you need to get in touch with me.

      • TX_Ang

        lcjantzi I go through the same feelings when I'm rejected and disrespected as a parent. I mourn daily the loss of my daughter who is very much alive and expecting her first child. One morning I woke up happy because I dreamed that we were laughing and joking together as usual, and the joy quickly turned to sadness and anger.

        I'm really tired of being this pathetic wimp, it's not in my nature.

        • Never get

          So sad that I too had great times laughing with my only child, my beloved daughter. Over 2 1/2 years no response from her and my grade son is 2 1/2. I've begged, pleaded, apologized, cried and thought of her countless timesMoreDay. I am a widow who has struggled since my husband died when I was 46 13 years ago. My daughter was my life! I lost them both and am struggling to get through life as I never dreamed life would turn out this way. How can your only child who was loved (and yes we didn't always agree but my love and pain from her ran deep) turn her back on her mother. I prided myself on being a great mom, but after my husband died and my daughter dropped out of college, I was treading water, and yet I don't think she understood how scary my world was becoming. I have a heavy heart for all the times I missed being with her and my grandson (the one from pictures through the family he is adorable) I was not recognized or received pictures, correspondence, understanding of forgiveness. And yet I begged her to come back into my life. Without her I will never be whole again. She never checked me once. I know I don't have vacations, sometimes little food around the house, was recently attacked by a family member and have a concussion and have been on other medical matters or out of a job. My best time of my life was raising her and now nothing. Just so hurt and disappointed. Yes, her husband doesn't like me. And was disrespectful to me, but I apologized for my part, but he hates me. But I stand by that. if he loved her, he would at least encourage my daughter to see me. I just don't know if I'll ever be in her life again or if I'll ever see my grandson. It hurts me to the core. I missed so much with my grandson from the fun things I did with my daughter. She's intelligent and a high school counselor so I don't get it and never will as long as I live. I miss her so much she aged me I'm sure. But Ivan dies knowing that I've tried so hard to reunite with her, but unfortunately it doesn't take away my daily pain. I love and miss her very much. I pray all the time Sorry for so long but heartbroken in many ways.
          • healing heart


            Hold on, it's a long time and my heart goes out to you. It's time to dust yourself off, take a different approach and survive this trap, stop begging or chasing yourself. That's part of the problem, find meaning in life...before her you were you...I'm sure your husband would want you to live on...get some help to get you out of this rut. The loss of your daughter, your gain to enjoy what God has given you... give that love you can't give to your grandson to other children who need attention through volunteering.

        • lcjantzi

          An: TX_Ang

          Thank you for your empathy. It felt good to receive at this time of year. I'll share this: As the holidays roll around I'm more triggered than usual, but it's been almost 3 years. and my sadness and sadness that have changed to anger, depression, sadness and now I seem to see things more objectively. Time, a little therapy, prayer finds me becoming less and less entangled with them and becoming more and more my true self.

          As an adult observing three other adults, I am content with the fact that they have to learn some things without me and there is no guarantee that they will. However, this helps me resist anticipating and making up scenarios in my head. I just accept their decisions, I've given up defending myself and accept that things may not go the way I want them to.

          I live a two day drive from them and that helps a little. But I have a family that I see from time to time who take advantage of my situation to try to hurt me. My eldest keeps in touch with them.

          So thank you again for your empathy, TX_Ang. This isn't easy to navigate, but I want to be sure I'm getting as much good out of this heartbreaking situation as possible. I trust and rest in this place...

        • Broken Mother1

          Omg I feel the same way! Sad pathetic wimp ha! How the kids can paralyze us from start to finish?!
    • NL mother

      @violetlace Very similar to my situation Violtetlace. The big difference is that I can't leave my son behind even if he wanted to. I can't risk being hurt again.
  • Missed my daughters

    I have two daughters aged 27 and 25...after my divorce both moved in with their father and are no longer in touch with me. I was never given a reason for this. I have tried by all means to contact them but they block andMoreignore me My older daughter contacted me last December. And saw me twice in two days...everything was going very well I thought and she hugged me and told me she lives me but she blocked me again and ignores my attempts to contact her. I'm so confused I'm so happy to be on this forum for some much needed support. I need help. Many Thanks.
  • Heartbroken Mom

    My son left home 6 years ago and has never returned. A month after he left, I received three intense emails listing everything I had done wrong. Of course there is a grain of truth in what he said. I now only contact him with essential information as he requested and have only seen him 4 times in these years in his new home. He's now in college in America, his dream, but health issues and depression/psychotic episodes meant he took a year off. He has now returned and I only pray that his health remains balanced. The doctor also mentioned autism to him, which could account for his ongoing infrequent contact. I pray so for a reconciliation with him.

    Signed a heartbroken mother.

    • lcjantzi

      Dear heartbroken mom,

      It must be painful being apart from your son when it seems like he needs you the most. I am saddened by the way he "criticised" you in his letters. Gosh, of course there was a grain of truth, but can't he understand the overall love you had for him? These adult children do not seem to be able to deduce this from their experience with us as their parents. I keep reading that here. I hope his sanity improves and that he turns to you and realizes the love he missed that is there waiting/longing for his return. . .

  • TX_Ang

    I'm so glad I came across this article while searching the internet for similar situations to mine to figure out how to deal with my daughters texting excluded me 3 weeks ago. She is 29 and pregnant with her 1st child and she is my only child so I am devastated and heartbroken. I am also terrified of missing the birth of my grandchild. I can't sleep and have occasional fits of crying while fighting against falling into a deep depression.

    Her last words to me were, "Not all people get along well" and that she didn't want the baby shower my mom and I planned for her. Her reasoning was based on a party we had at our house about 10 years ago when my then boyfriend, now husband, who was still drinking but is now sober, got into an argument with a friend of hers who was also drinking and was aggressive was.

    At first I thought she was joking and by the time I realized she wasn't it was too late to argue with her. Maybe she felt overwhelmed by the shower we had planned because it was supposed to be more of a party at a venue with friends and family. Her mother-in-law gives her a nice shower at a friend's house, which is huge and in an exclusive area. I haven't even been sent a save the date card as were her friends, so I don't think I would be invited.

    She seems embarrassed about who we are and our family and friends. I am Hispanic and her father is White, like my current husband, and her husband is also White but comes from a more prominent family with a much higher income than ours. We're just comfortable living way below our means, so we don't drive brand new fancy cars or have huge homes. Another point of contention for her is that my husband is in a motorcycle club, which she sees negatively.

    I texted her to let her know that I love her and that I'm sorry if she's mad at me and that I hope she's okay. I am so sad and grieving for the grandchild I may never meet.

    • Injured twice


      I'm so sorry you have to go through this too. My 36 year old daughter has been estranged from us for the past 13 years in the middle of winter right after Christmas that fateful year 13 years ago...during that time I fell into a deep depression for 6 years then I started again live, in those years she finished her university in psychology, got married, bought a house, had my only grandchild that I will ever have, she is 2 now and I haven't even met her it was really hard for her never brought her friends home, they were all doctor kids, wealthy, so we feel she was ashamed of us. She stayed in her university town and built a life without her parents. I had three children, 2 girls and a boy as a baby. My son tragically died in a drowning accident 3 years ago, he was missing for a week before his body was recovered, he was only 26. My eldest daughter had also broken up with him, they were estranged from him for more than 3 years has passed. Here's my middle daughter who absolutely adores her eldest sister, she can't be herself it seems around her older sister and she's been caught in the middle more than once so now I'm trying not to let that happen , but it's hard as she takes her sister's side in the sense that she's entitled to keep the family apart and that's what I have a problem with...did I mention my estranged daughter's husband (whom I never met) died of cancer a month ago, he was she has also stopped all contact with the mother in law, the other grandmother, according to my little daughter....has in her will she leaves custody of her daughter to friends, and knowing that we both have big families, she didn't even give custody to the only family member, my daughter, because she knows we would get to know her.....because of de s loss of my son, my heart literally broke twice....... I'm trying to rebuild my life. I am very fortunate to have my husband by my side as we are currently celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. Sometimes it's good to just walk away and the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and move on.

      • TX_Ang

        Hurt twice Thank you for your thoughts and the struggle you are living with especially the loss of your son I am so sorry. I get the feeling she's deeply ashamed of us and our lifestyle, although she didn't mind when she was a part of it.MoreNow she just turned her back on us and our friends because we're not good enough to care about her. I do my best to live and move on from day to day, but sometimes emotions just take over and I have to go to the bathroom to scream it out.
    • healing heart

      @Tx Ang I feel really bad about your fight and hope you are doing much better than your original post. I am also Hispanic, married to a white man, have one daughter but two grandchildren later. On the other end of the spectrum, the strong bond with 9-year-old grandson and love didn't come that close in a year. They moved far away and she interrupted me. She went with her non-celebrity boyfriend and since then she hasn't once said I don't want you in my life. She just doesn't answer, she slowly stopped letting us talk to our grandchildren.

      So my point, the relationship can be a slow death on a grand scale because with mine I had memories or if she had told me nine years ago I wouldn't have to be hurt by something I only dreamed of ((a being an involved grandparent).It's not a one-way street, it will be her loss.You also see that my mother died last year, so you don't have that either.

      How do I get through there? Take it one day at a time, pray hard, play harder, surround me with loved ones, shout it out when need be, but don't wallow in it and just be thankful for all I have. Whatever you or your spouse did, it wasn't perfect, if there is a change then enjoy and enjoy each other. Life is too short, your daughter will need her space. Most importantly, by leaving my daughter alone because the constant attempts to seek her out is not worth my sanity or my health, I have learned to look at my own mistakes and forgive my shortcomings. One day my grandson will be a man she will be to answer why he was cut off and the reason will not make sense when it comes to the love we had for each other! Pay attention, exercise, pray, and things will get easier with or without this deficiency in your life.

      • TX_Ang

        Healing Heart Thank you for sharing your story and kind words of encouragement. I got better and refocused on improving myself, hoping to impress my daughter enough to accept me. She recently posted a picture of herself on Facebook when she was in 6.1/2. Months pregnant and she looks just so radiant and beautiful and I felt so tormented that I can't see her or hug her or share the experience with her since we shared almost everything before. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face because just as I was beginning to heal, the wound was reopened. She also posted a message yesterday that read "to the ladies who have been invited to my baby shower" asking for a phone number or something. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I just don't understand how she can text or call me several times a day and treat me like I don't exist. I feel like I have to be the most horrible piece of garbage and apology for a human being. Even though to this day there is nothing in the world that my husband and I wouldn't do for her.

        When she first told us about her pregnancy I went out and bought her a $200 blender to make smoothies when she said she wanted to start eating smoothies every day but didn't own a blender. I also got her a nice pregnancy pillow as she said she was having trouble sleeping because she was having trouble getting comfortable. I got her transitional clothes for work and also bought some baby clothes.

        We even got into debt and bought a nicer car that would fit a child seat, although that may never happen now. I have a few bins full of baby clothes and stuff for a baby I may never meet. Last week I sent her a package with all her mail that comes to our house including 3 copies of the parenting magazine I ordered for her as I probably won't be able to at her apartment which is only 5 minutes from my work am more welcome. She texted me on Friday to say thank you for sending her mail and that she would be moving in November and would let me know her new address. I was ecstatic when I got her message and thinking about all the things I wanted to say to her but didn't really want to text her, so I just said, 'Wow, that's awesome! I know." I now feel like I missed an opportunity to say something else because I was hoping we'd at least text again. I haven't heard from her again, but I want to ask her so badly for not taking the opportunity to be a part of my grandson's birth and life.

        Like you healing heart, I cry out loud when I'm alone and put a smile on my face for everyone else and live my life while still carrying all this pain and sadness in my heart. I'm grateful to have a mother of my own, although our relationship has always been a bit distant, but at least we talk on the phone about every week or so.

        • healing heart

          @tx ang

          Hold on, it sounds like there's hope when she gives you her address. Remind yourself that you are a great woman and an even better mom than most. Take care and best regards.

    • The writer


      "It seems she's embarrassed about who we are, as well as our family and friends. I am Hispanic and her father is White, as is my current husband, and her husband is also White but from a more prominent family with a much higher income than ours. We're just comfortable and living far below our means, so we don't drive brand new fancy cars or have a huge house. Another point of contention for her is that my husband is on a motorcycle club, which she views negatively."

      This seems to be the "disease" that afflicts Gen-Y in particular, this need to compare their own family to that of their spouse. Why do many Generation Y young adults who marry spouses from wealthy backgrounds feel ashamed of their parents in most cases? I wonder where they learned to be so snobbish and disrespect people who worked hard to raise them with a good education etc. Or could it be a simple case of inferiority complex?

      So she also suffers from this white superiority complex. If that's the case then she must despise me too LO L bcs I'm Chinese so yellow and certainly not white haha ​​but it makes no difference to me bcs while I know the white man's language how many white people speak my language? I can come here to speak out, but can many white people go to Chinese language websites to speak out?

      Seems like your daughter is a snob but is unaware that she is so fret not. Give her time and space to grow up. Good luck, grandma-to-be.

      • TX_Ang

        The ScribeTX_Ang Thank you for your comment and for pointing out what I missed, my daughter being a snob. Everything I've ever done was my best as a single mom, although I know I made some mistakes along the way and I still live with constant guiltMorethat her childhood was far from ideal. She's always been the type to care what other people think while I don't, especially when it comes to keeping up with the Joneses. We have never met her boyfriend's parents and they have been together for 2 1/2 years. So yes, she is ashamed of us and that makes me very sad and hurt. I worry that the time and space she needs to grow up will never come and I will never see my grandson.
        • The writer

          TX_AngThe scribe

          Hello Ang. Could you also be Chinese besides being Hispanic? Judging by your last name, bcs Ang is a Chinese last name. It can also be Wang or Ong etc. Need to see the chinese script as the english ones are all spelled differently but it makes no difference as only the chinese script is important in a chinese name. The meaning of your name (not your surname) is very important because, according to feng shui, it can affect your future life.

          i understand your worries Being cut off from grandchildren is an unforgivable act of children viewed from the perspective of filial piety. A child who is unchildlike to his elders will not deserve the blessings of heaven. It's sad not to see our own grandchildren grow up. Whatever, what parent has never made a mistake or not done the best they can? The fault is not entirely yours. All you can do is pray. She may still be moved to see her own stubbornness. All the best.

          • TX_Ang

            The ScribeNo Chinese I know, my full first name is Angela which is Angel in Spanish. However, I am fascinated by the principles of feng shui. Thank you for your kind words and understanding, I had a very bad day yesterday and shed many tears at the loss of what is to come, meaning my unborn grandson. I feel like I'm in a grieving process, like someone who has died. I've been through so many emotions that I just don't understand why I'm being punished for looking forward to my daughter's first pregnancy and wanting to do something special for her. Apparently I'm kind of in denial that she just doesn't like me and probably never has.

            Reading all the other posts here was helpful at times and also very sad and annoying. Some of the stories that describe years of alienation in some families really scare me. My situation has only been 3 weeks and I am a mess....

          • The writer

            TX_AngThe Scribe Oh I see. Ang stands for Angela.

            You don't have to worry about having a very bad day. It's normal to feel very down or very happy. It will take time to come to terms with such an unfortunate life event. It's only been 3 weeks so you're still grieving. Everyone grieves differently. Some life events hurt some people more than others.

            Feng Shui means wind and water. Feng = wind, Shui = water. The Chinese believe in the 5 elements that form the basis of feng shui principles - earth, wood, water, fire, metal. There is so much to say about these 5 elements alone. An imbalance in the nature of things can lead to many life events, including child alienation. I do not know. Some people call it superstition LOL but I really believe in the importance of feng shui as man has to live in harmony with his environment as he is a part of it.

    • Mel

      TX_Ang She seems upset that you haven't taken her seriously in the past. If she understands that you would like to be part of her family, she will try to accept it. I think she is embarrassed by her family's behavior and would like her family to be embarrassedMoreShe. From what you describe, she seems ashamed of her family. You can send a message to let her mother know that you would like to spend time with your daughter because you love her. I think when she is old enough to decide who to include in her life.
  • vecanto

    I am a wreck. My eldest son and his wife are so estranged that I am banned from my grandchildren's birthday parties. I've tried apologizing without knowing why and asking what their problems are, but my attempts are getting me nowhereMoreI've been left so confused and completely in the dark. I can't believe that someone I carried for 9 months and lived under the same roof with me until graduation from university would want nothing to do with me. This is not the child I raised. My family and I are very close. I'm so tired of reaching out in a loving and gentle way. I find her behavior so disrespectful. I find them downright rude in ignoring my phone calls, texts and invitations. I feel like no one understands the pain I carry in my heart. How can a son feel that I am not worthy of sharing his life and family with me? How can he or his wife live with himself or sleep at night. We are all Roman Catholic and of Italian descent; Both place great value on family, respect, forgiveness and love. I feel so judged and unloved.
    • mmof4boyz

      @vecanto I've been in the same boat for four months now. Family is the most important thing in my life. I've spent my life raising my four sons and now I feel like the saying "A daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is oneMoreSon until he takes a wife" is unfortunately a very accurate statement. Seems like it's always the wives and the wives' families. As a mother-in-law I've felt left out since day 1, but four months ago my son and I had Words and he won't speak to me anymore, won't answer my texts or calls and what hurts the most is that he took my two beautiful granddaughters away from me. I'm not allowed to see them. It broke my heart. I'm severely depressed. My life feels like it's over He actually used the word punishment for me He said he would punish me by not allowing me to see the girls Who does that to a mother who has never had anything else has done than to support and love her family?
    • Injured twice

      It seems this is a pattern of today's generation it seems to me...they can't handle things or disagree or get hurt and their way of retaliating is cut off from parents I thought I was alone in my pain but from reading everyone's posts it seems soMorebe a generational attitude. We never did that to our parents, never thought of cutting off our parents...
      • mmof4boyz

        Doubly painful Exactly! They are a generation of entitlements and we would never have considered disrespecting our parents, let alone cutting them off. It's a sad generation and I feel sorry for their children because they have no heart.
    • SatoriBleu

      My daughter stopped talking to me two years ago. She has responded very little to my contacting her. From reading the forums and books on alienation... I think it's a cruel thing they choose. I hardly ever argued with my daughter and I supported herMorethem in many ways. I cried a lot the first year. Then I realized that it was her choice and that I didn't deserve it. I still wish it wasn't, but by acknowledging that I have no control over her, I could say that I did my best, I'm a good mom. do the same. Pray for a reunion each day and then remind yourself that this is not your choice. Send loving texts here and there. The community of injured parents is thinking of you. Be strong and live on lovingly and with dignity. Keep being an example of what love looks like. Blessings sent to you.
    • The writer

      @vecanto Your son/wife must be Y gene. I've been told that gen-y is very ungrateful, takes things for granted and has a strong sense of entitlement. From personal observation, such a belief appears to be true, so don't feel so offended. Many think their parents' victims are nothing andMoreshould come with the status quo. Let's see if they will go the extra thousand miles for their kids.
    • NL mother

      @vecanto I am sorry to hear about the behavior of your son Vecanto. I feel the same as you. I wish there were a few words I could say to make you feel better. But people get it, many, many parents are going through what you are going through.
  • Carolme

    I am grateful to have found this post. Because we are human, we have feelings and we make mistakes. I have two children 21 and 28, a boy and a girl. I always wanted children and knew I wanted two. We lost my father to cancer when I was 12. My mother worked full time and did her best. As a teenager, I was very little aware of what she was experiencing. I wasn't that smart but I was very emotional and hit out at Mom. My younger sister and I are close now, but we fought a lot and made my mother unhappy. I'm not sure how she did it, but I think there were some little yellow pills in her toolbox. She was anything but perfect. Screamed and screamed a lot and beat us until we were too old to let them. I never loved her less or cut off contact. As I got older, got married, and had my own responsibilities, I realized how horrible I was to her. And luckily was able to share it all with her before she died at 91. Love was the common thread.

    If only that applied to my marriage to a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic. I was the one who had to tell my little daughter "Dad is coming home soon". And felt like I was single handedly raising our two most of the time. It wasn't until I threatened divorce that the ex decided he could have the upper hand. And he did. Of course, our daughter (then tender 13) longed to be “Dad's girl” and wanted to believe everything he told her. Brainwashing is a powerful weapon used by one parent to alienate the other parent. The ex did a very good job. I barely saw my daughter until she landed on my doorstep crying her eyes out at 3am and begging to live with me. She told me Dad made all kinds of promises he never kept, was crazy, and hated her first real boyfriend. We had a great reconciliation and I thought we hit it off pretty well. However, since it was the holidays and her brother was still home, I asked her (very reluctantly) to go back. @4 months later she asked to move in with her boyfriend. And I said OK, even though I probably shouldn't have. Things were going well until he wasn't working or going to school. I have given him/her a generous period of 4 weeks. Instead, they packed everything up and moved out immediately. I only have 2 bedrooms so that gave me the chance to let our son live with me. He called me at least once or twice a week asking me to save him and was actually neglected and left to take care of his father.

    Even when I was paying child support, I did what I could for both of them, and they knew I was there for them. I helped my daughter with a car, a computer, and then a yoga school. She became a wonderful yoga teacher. I was very proud of their independence, passion and strong business acumen. She opened a studio and was very successful. I was there every step of the way and enjoyed taking their classes. When boyfriend #2 broke up after 4 years, I was there to pick up the pieces (and make sure she ate). (I'm a Jewish mother!)

    Meanwhile, the ex was getting sicker and sicker but refused to stop drinking and hid things under his bed. Due to strange complications, our son went back to live with him. At 2am I got a call from our daughter. "Daddy just died. Please come here immediately!” And so I rushed there. They wanted me and needed me at this point. A horrible night that didn't end until 6am. I was invited to the memorial (at sea) and joined a boat full of family and friends to scatter his ashes. And (somewhat reluctantly because they complied and contributed to the estrangement) I went to my in-laws' for dinner afterwards. Everyone was very polite and nice as can be.

    I know it was because he was very ill. The ex stopped paying for his life insurance and instead bought guns and guitars. The mortgage he left was double the amount we originally bought the house for. And he left that to our children. He never remodeled or threw away anything. It was quite a sad mess. My son had to move back in with me. The plan was to clean up, throw things away, and put the house up for sale. In the meantime the mortgage had to be paid off. Not something I could help with. I have my own house and bills. And son was not working at the time. Although I wasn't too keen on the idea, I offered to help clean up.

    Meanwhile, years ago my ex told me (out of the blue) that he would give me part of his pension and asked me to sign some papers. In ten years, that was about the only nice thing he'd done. I had spent my entire retirement account going to court for the kids in an effort to spare them much of that heartache. It sure didn't work! After his death, it was very difficult for me to make ends meet and support my then 18-year-old son. Without telling any of the kids, I went ahead and did the paperwork to get the (a little over $400.00 a month pension payment). It really saved my butt and my sons. Otherwise we would probably have become homeless.

    An early Sat. morning my son and I went to the ex house and got started right away. We made a deal that he would clean the bathrooms and I would clean the horrible cobweb carport. He was very afraid of spiders. As soon as my daughter arrived, I realized that she was angry with me. First she wanted to know why I don't clean the bathroom. Instead of listening, she got out of hand and started screaming that I was walking behind her back. She obviously had no intention of listening and was starting to make me very nervous. I gathered my stuff and headed back to my car. Then she yelled at her brother and said he better go with me. And that was the last time we had a face-to-face conversation.

    Her father told her he wanted her to get the pension and not me (the horrible witch). Maybe he did, but he didn't do anything to change that when he was alive and he had many years to do that. So now, even in death, alienation has risen and taken its toll. It's been over two years. We had some back and forth attempts at reconciliation, mostly started by me. But I'm still a terrible person who did terrible things and lied all the time. Now she and her new boyfriend (whom I've never met) have moved across the country.

    While working with other yoga teachers, my daughter became close to several counselors and social workers. A lot of what she said didn't sound like her at all. I'm sure they kept telling her how "toxic" I was and that she would be better off not talking to me. At least that's how I feel. No apology. Just part of the deal.

    I'm generally a very positive person. I realized I needed help when I cried non-stop for most of the weekend. I found a good advisor and worked to get a better perspective. I wish I could say I "let go" but that's obviously not the case. I love my daughter and miss her so much. I hate that! Talking about it helps, especially when I'm talking to people who have been through similar or worse. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. Thanks for listening.

    • NL mother

      Carolme reading your story was heartbreaking. I am so sorry to hear about your issues with your daughter. My ex was also very good at parental estrangement, now I have no relationship at all with my older son. I, like you, did everything I could to try and "fix" things.Moreand bent over backwards to do everything I could for my son, but nothing worked. You are not alone, there are far too many parents in the same situation as you. I also sought a counselor and things are getting better. The biggest stumbling block for me right now is being angry, and no matter how hard I try, it takes me a long time to try to get through this stage. I hope better for you
  • daisy

    I urgently need advice. My brother has never really been a part of my family since he was about 16. Although when he had a child he kept asking me and my parents to babysit for him. My parents did so without hesitation and enjoyed being a part of itMorefrom my nephew's life. He recently married his long-term partner, who I feel particularly dislikes me, and persuaded him to cut off all contact with me for the last 25 years of my life. He always took from my parents and never gave anything in return. If I had to write down everything he did to them, I'd be here all day. The latest is that he got married in New York without apparently telling anyone about his plans. He told my parents a week in advance that he would do this. Give the impression that nobody was invited. I was visiting my parents this weekend and they told me that his new wife's parents were in Florida at the same time as the wedding and they were flown to New York and were attending the wedding. My parents don't talk to me about their feelings, but I know they were both devastated. I haven't seen my brother for over 10 years and I have no feelings for him. I hate the way he treats my parents and have tried several times to get them to disown him. That may sound harsh, but there's so much pain he's caused. I don't know how to support my parents. I'm disturbed when I think about what he's doing to them. They didn't deserve that. Please help, any suggestions are greatly appreciated
    • number five minus one

      @Daisy Hello daisy. I understand why you want your parents to disown your brother. They are tired of seeing her hurt and may believe that cutting off contact will prevent further hurt for her. But I think it might be more complicated for them. You already know how he isMoreand that he will continue to hurt her feelings. They seem to have accepted that. It can be a lot worse on her mind cutting him off and never knowing if he and your nephew are dead or alive. It can create anxiety worse than what they are going through. I hope that makes sense. I think your parents are blessed to have you in their lives and it can bring them more comfort than you will ever know that you care for them so much.
      • daisy

        number five minus one

        Thank you for your reply. I think they accepted him for who he is. I will always be the daughter that gives you enough love and support for me and my brother. Even if I live a lot further away from them than he does. Take care, daisy

      • NL mother

        numberfiveminusone Great answer!

        Daisy, I feel for you and your parents. I have a brother who joined the Navy as a teenager and then settled hundreds of miles from my parents. He had very little contact with my parents over the years, they accepted it. I just think he's built differently than me or my sister. He seems to mostly care about himself and I don't think he even knows or understands how he hurt anyone. Maybe your brother is like that?

        • daisy

          NL mother number five minus one

          Hello, I think you're right I think he's built differently and doesn't understand that he didn't hurt anyone. However, I don't justify his behavior and I still wonder how he can do that.

      • The writer

        numberfiveminusone thumbs up for your answer.

        To Daisy - just ignore that so-called brother of yours but try not to run over him with your parents as it might cause them more pain. A terrible child is still a child. You won't feel it because he's not your child. Try to imagine how you would feel if someone told you to reject your own child. It's like being asked to cut off an arm or a leg. The same goes for them if you ask them to.

        Hope what I wrote is not offensive. You asked for suggestions. All the best.

        • daisy

          The clerk number five minus one

          Hello, it's really easy for me to ignore him. I don't even call him my brother when I talk to people I call him my parents' son. I only called him my brother in this post to make it clear that unfortunately I am biologically related to him.

          I'm not really asking my parents to cast him out, I just wish they would. It's really hard not to run over him in front of them and I know I have to work on that. Thanks for your reply, wasn't offensive

  • Misty9

    I'm very happy that I'm not alone in this, but sad people also experience what I am. I'm wondering if my 28 year old daughter has Bipolar or similar. We are now 7 months apart. In between she got married. I went looking, bought her wedding dress and neverMoregotta see her wear it. We used to communicate sometimes several times a day. I am sad to lose not only her but also my 3 beautiful grandchildren. I was far from a perfect parent, and she wasn't a perfect daughter. As a child, she used to mock me and yell in my face. In fact, she had to ransom the whole family. Am I a little sorry? Yes I am doing that at the moment. I see a lot of posts that say "keep the door open, don't give up". Well I've been doing this since she was a little kid about 8 when the abuse started. She's a tyrant. She was also a self-harmer and prone to eating disorders. How do you say "no more abuse" and keep the door open? I have always tried to restore the relationship, and as a result, this is clearly perceived as a weakness in their world. An invitation to further abuse.
    • healing heart


      How do you say "no more abuse" and keep the door open? Seems like that's the answer, hold the door closed the door and enter as this is a no abuse zone. In other words, the relationship should be one of mutual respect, no exceptions!

    • wanderingone

      @Misdy9 She used to mock me and yell in my face as a kid
    • NL mother

      @Misdy9 It's hard, I stopped contacting my son 8 months ago and haven't heard from him since. I tried to contact him but he wasn't interested. I had to disconnect and move on, it was the hardest thing I've ever done but IMorehad to do it for my own peace of mind. He had my heart on a string and kept throwing it around, my whole life has been a mess and nothing I did seemed to make a difference. I had to cut ties and rebuild my life. It's not perfect, but it's getting better every day.
  • Mel

    While I think you present some great points, there are certainly some parents who will only use their children as assets. I was one of those kids. When I was growing up, I was beaten because my father didn't give me enough money to do the housework. He was an alcoholic and spent all his money on beer or cigarettes. I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough and felt like garbage every day. I was brainwashed into thinking negatively about my own father. My mother told me every day to hate him and when I grow up I owe her. Any small mistake would send her into a fit of anger or frustration. Didn't you sweep the floor? Then you are a disgusting person like your father. You get the point. That was just a small one.

    It finally got to the point where I met someone and their friendly family in high school. They agreed to take me in because I told them about my living conditions. I had low self esteem, suicidal thoughts (I still do that because I'm repeating things from my childhood in my brain, it's less now), I hurt myself. I was mocked for crying. I was constantly deceived by my own mother. It wasn't until I was in high school that I realized my family was gone. I started visiting other families and noticed how nice they were to each other. My family always tried to defend themselves against attacks or were ready to attack. My brothers stopped talking to each other for 2 years. My mother didn't even try to fix it. SHE DON'T CARE.

    But imagine after I threatened to leave and tried to pack my things and take them to my locker at school... she made a scene on the street. She ripped open my stuff and told everyone nearby I was a naughty kid for trying to run away with my boyfriend. I kept trying to explain that it was she who kept threatening to kick me out. I told others that she was terrible. I was shut down... by another adult. He said I had to make a woman because he believed her. When I returned that day, she faked her suicide attempt. I thought she swallowed some pills so I called 911. I was panicking... I cared. I cared so much I cried. But when I found out she was faking it, I was done. I didn't want to come back. She ran out of the house when I called the police, I was worried and chased her!! She needed medical help! She called me crazy for calling! I was 17!

    Even though I moved away, I still tried to keep in touch with her. I thought from afar that maybe she was trying to understand me better. Instead, she just called to tell me how I made her look bad to others (she didn't have many friends, and her family generally found her pathetic), would lead an unhappy life for abandoning her family, and asked me for money.

    The last few times she's only called me for money.

    I have previously tried to get a mediator to help me with this but all they could say was that she was my mother and that I should go back. I think she is mentally ill because she was prescribed antidepressants and I don't think I saw her take them.

    Sorry for the long tirade, but sometimes the child is estranged for safety reasons as well. I love my life now because I understand myself better and can enjoy things without feeling so guilty anymore. my feelings are better

    • healing heart

      @Mel. It's ironic how sometimes the cards are turned when grown children are trying and wanting that bond, but it's the parents who are dysfunctional. It will only make you a far better parent than they were. I too grew up in chaos, butMoreMy mother redeemed herself when I was an adult so I was blessed. I did my best no abuse but I screamed for which I apologized and changed when she was a teenager but now she is estranged. All we can do is move on and stay strong.
    • The writer

      @Mel Why are some families so dysfunctional? It's because some parents are NOT cut out to be parents.
      • Mel

        The Writer I've been fortunate to get a few opportunities around the world to see what types of families are healthy. They treated each other kindly and there was no constant war in these households. I am thankful every day that I was able to experience them. to bring children inMorethe world is a big responsibility. Life is inspiring, children should experience that. When I have children in the future, I want them to be proud of who they are and feel loved. Your thoughts and feelings are valuable because they make life meaningful. I wish I had at least learned that from my parents. I saw you responded to others in the comments and I think you gave some valuable advice. I came to this article because I was looking for a reason to go back to my parents and see if now would be a good time. I'll wait until I'm emotionally stable enough to deal with this because right now I'm going through a delicate moment in my life. I was just beginning to understand myself.
        • The writer

          @MelDer writer

          Mel, thanks for your answer. I am an observer and I sympathize. I'm not going through this alienation thing personally, but my close relatives are, and I'm kind of caught up in their predicament.

          I see your sincerity in wanting to go back to your parents. It's good to know that despite everything, you still love her. Take your time, calm down, and take a step when you feel emotionally and mentally ready.

          What you wrote about children: “If I have children in the future, I want them to be proud of who they are and to feel loved. Your thoughts and feelings are valuable because they make life meaningful. I wish I had at least learned that from my parents." This is so true. This is so enlightening. If I had known this, I wouldn't have made my fair share of mistakes they were raised in the traditional Chinese way so there is very little worry about alienation but one can't be too careful.My close relatives raised their children the same way but two of their daughters are heading in this frightening direction.One of them is slowly coming back, so everyone in my large extended family hopes that the other daughter will be made to reconsider her rude actions and attitudes.

  • Maggie

    This article could actually save my life.

    i really fight My eldest (son, now 31) married a woman that caused him to cut all ties with me and his father. They have a son who will be 1 year old in 2 days. We weren't even allowed to meet him.

    My daughter hates me for being such a horrible parent when I was a teenager. I was.

    I broke my neck in a car accident and was in a wheelchair for 7 years and suffered severely from panic attacks.

    She couldn't handle that. And still can't find it in her to forgive me. I know it was very hard to be with me, I was always scared, always in pain, cried a lot, felt needy and angry at times.

    Her father stood by me and took care of me, we are still happily married and I am out of my wheelchair and moving on with life.

    I also have PKD cystic kidneys and liver and will soon need dialysis and then a transplant.

    She doesn't allow me to talk about it.

    Every time she talks to me, she's snappy, angry, or treats me like a kid. When I tell her it's not ok she threatens me not to let me see her 2 boys never to visit again.

    So I walk around them on eggshells.

    Me and my husband also have two younger boys and it's easier with them. They are 9 and 21.

    Some days I feel like I can't do anything right and that the whole family would be better off without me.

    • number five minus one

      @Maggie Oh Maggie, those "few days" are bad days, aren't they? I wish you peace, better health and glad you have your husband and younger boys. Stay strong Maggie, your family is counting on you.
    • The writer

      @Maggie Hello my dear Maggie,

      What you wrote made me very sad. The callous way your daughter treats you shows that she is a callous person. How could she blame you for the accident and your current state of health? Nobody asks about such health problems.

      Your family will not be better off without you as you have a 9 year old child and a good husband. You'll be better off without these unworthy children. All the best and know that the community is here for you.

  • Missing bill

    Hello, I had the funeral for Bill. The people who came gave me a lot of attention and these people hugged me. I liked the funeral because I was the center of attention. Some invitations didn't come to the funeral, giving me a sour face. I tell them, "You didn't walk in my shoes." I had two children, now I'll just say I have one. I give my other child anything they want. If Bill ever comes back he will see how happy Burny is and will be jealous of how successful Burny is because of my support and for not having to deal with his rude teenage brat who never thanked you .

    I'm on anxiety pills and someone says to me; that I have to focus on "getting better" so if Bill ever comes back I'll be able to build a stronger relationship with Bill than the one we had before. I'm offended and didn't answer.

    • number five minus one


      I'm glad you took a step to feel better about yourself, even if some people in your life didn't get it. I understand why you would be offended by someone who says you need to "get better" in order for you and Bill to have a relationship that is stronger if he chooses to have a relationship with you. If there hasn't been abuse I don't see how a family member has to be in a strong position to be loved by other family members. That's what makes family so special - they love us despite our flaws. It's heartbreaking but I see you (in my mind) in a tuxedo as you greet your family friends who pay homage to the loss of Bill and your grief. I wish you peace my friend.

    • The writer

      @Missingbill Wow, so you went through it. I dont know what to think. I don't think that kind of taboo ritual should be performed.

      You could just keep thinking that you only have one child. Habitual behavior/thoughts will soon become second nature to you and one day you will forget that estranged son. He does not deserve you. Anyway, what's done is done, so all the best to you.

      • Aliceta72

        Wow, I know how you must have felt having a funeral for your Bill. I was there with my daughter. Recently I said that in order to move on I must bury her and mourn the loss. I was looked at as if I was a bit morbidMorefreak I know what I'm feeling and how debilitating the pain was. To move forward, I must mourn the loss. No one can blame you, you did what you felt was necessary to cope with such a great loss. My only advice is to build your relationship with your remaining child based on your experiences with them and make Bill jealous. If you do that, it's all about Bill, you're a strong soul, and you'll have your moment with Bill one day, to clear the air or not. After everything that's happened, you may realize that you don't want to open old wounds. It takes a lot of work both mentally and physically to process a loss like this. No matter what you choose, know that you are a survivor and that you are needed and loved by your survivor. I pray that you will continue to move forward and remember not to blame yourself. I too struggle with blaming myself or thinking about what I could have done differently. Thank you for sharing your story.
        • Missing bill

          Yes, a funeral. I wore a black dress, not a tuxedo. I chose my other handsome son and his wife as pallbearers. They carried a box full of things Bill had left behind which they lowered into the ground and buried. I am a good role model for my grandchildren,Moreit teaches them what to do when people leave.
          • healing heart

            Very creative, it is a grieving process having an alienated child and sometimes best for sanity to perform such rituals as it helps one cope and move on with one's own life. In time, I might do a mental exercise like this, if that's the caseMorebecomes too much to hold on to any longer.
  • Debbielg725752016

    My son has been bullied since he was 14.

    He's 41 now and he's still a bully. It's terrifying and beyond my comprehension. He must be very worried. I have absolutely no idea what to do, absolutely none. He's mad at the world and I think he thinks I'm the one who deserves the punishment. His father is poisonous and poisoned him. My son says he hates his father, but he doesn't cut ties with him. My son was so proud that he did not speak to me for 12 years, then we spent fun times and communication, but for months he held back and ignored this fact. We visited him and stayed in touch for about 7 years and he is on a tantrum again. I never know what triggers it. If I had an answer from God and a purpose for that, how precious would that be?

  • M155P

    I feel everyone's pain. My daughter and I have had a tumultuous relationship our entire lives. Sometimes it was my fault and others theirs, but I'm always the one trying to build bridges. She went through years of not working and I supported her financially in her own apartment about an hour from my home. I used to clean her, do her laundry and stock the fridge when I visited her as her life was out of control. She put her life in order after a stay at the priory and we were fine for a while. However, I found her judgmental as she worked through her 12 steps, felt that she had become holier in her attitude than you and that her path was now the best path and that any view that disagreed with hers was wrong However, since we lived far away, our physical contact was limited, but we still spoke on the phone. When I visited her it was because she wanted me to do something, decorate, help in the garden and so on. I was too passive and agreed every time just so I could have a relationship. I sometimes feel like I didn't really like her as a person anymore, but I felt guilty because she was my daughter

    The last straw came when I was sick in the hospital about 3 years ago, I was being transferred from hospital to hospital without knowing what was happening. During a call I explained to her my frustration at the lack of communication from the hospital staff about what had happened and when I was about to be transferred back closer to home (I was hospitalized with a suspected stroke) she told me that she couldn't take it anymore. It was too much for her. I saw her briefly at my sister's funeral 6 months later and she made no attempt to be polite. We haven't spoken to each other since then.

    I haven't thought about the estrangement for the past 2 years, although I was hurt I accepted that she wanted to go her own way and I wasn't a part of it. I was glad that she was now with a good man and settled down, I was also tired of constantly walking on eggshells when we talked or met, I heard this week that she got married over the weekend. I wasn't invited and it hurt.

    I will write her a letter congratulating her on her marriage, wishing her joy and happiness, and letting her know that my door is always open. I would like to add as a final comment that I hope life will treat her kindly and that I am proud that she is my daughter and that I have her and will always love her if we never meet again.

    If she answers maybe we can rebuild, if not I feel like I've tried one last time and I'll have closure.


    • Aliceta72

      I cried reading this mostly for myself. You have incredible inner strength. I know how difficult and painful that must be. My 22 year old daughter has been estranged for 3 months. I found this site last night looking for help and courage in my own troubles and came across your story.MoreI admire your courage and strength and wish you peace.
    • NL mother

      @M155P I hope you find the closure. It's so hard to find. I have tried everything to have a relationship with my son and I am working on accepting that he is not in my life. Though you're still in pain, I admire your ability to peckMoreget up and keep going. Good for you!
    • Leftnlonely

      M155P wow. That's pretty much the story. It made me cry for you

      My son did the same with a marriage. He's been married for months and I haven't heard from him since he got married. It all hurts so much All you can do is try again like you said. I will not get this chance because he has blocked me at every corner and I have no way to contact him. And he lives 3500 miles away now. We were best friends his whole life, we traveled together and had great times and lots of laughs. I know how you feel. I can't do anything to help you, but I understand you and I know your pain and I feel your emptiness. I support you and I will be there. Leftnlonely

  • Debbielg725752016

    Thanks NLMom and lefnlonely.
  • Money

    So when your mom kicks out her daughter (who pays part of the mortgage) and grandkids for being "disrespectful" AND plastered our business AND my sudden eviction on Facebook and clearly said she will keep posting until she's happy is I answer out of fear ? Give me a break!! Separating from the person who gave birth to me is called healing.

    Someone has to post from the child's point of view.

    • The writer


      I'm sure the parents here on this site will see your P.O.V. to be able to see. as a child. You can still talk to her Moni. She's your mother, after all, so why take the warpath?

      She's angry for some reason. Get someone you trust and respect as a matchmaker. Old people only need respect and kindness. Once these two "ingredients" are available, it all falls together.

      It's like cooking rice porridge (we Chinese eat a lot of rice porridge even though we don't live in China). All you need is rice and salt, or just rice if you're cooking plain porridge, but if you want to add other ingredients, you'll need salt too. I hope my analogy makes sense to you and doesn't make you angrier than you already are. Don't waste the ONE mother you have.

      • adult child of narcissists

        The writer "She's your mother, after all."

        Please stop. Parents can be abusive, and it's shocking that you would react in this way to someone who is openly molested by their parents.

        Adult children usually do not go contactless without a reason without drugs or mental illness. It took me years to finally love and respect myself enough to tell my parents that they no longer welcomed the privilege of being a part of my life. I've never been happier - and they go around the internet complaining that they have "no idea why" when that's far from the truth.

        The one mother we have may not be a good person. If your parents treated you badly, as is so clearly the case with @Moni, why on earth should we be expected to put up with the abuse?

  • NL mother

    Many parents seem to have a common denominator: They think they know why their children are estranged. If they don't come out and tell us, then maybe we shouldn't accept it, nor should we beat ourselves up trying to figure out why. .
    • healing heart

      Sometimes we have to accept that they will never have the courage to say why, maybe it has nothing to do with the parents but rather what the adult child is fighting in their own mind. But you're right, we can't go through life beating ourselves up trying to figure it out... and if we're lucky, one day they'll tell us... it was the thing with you that just pushed me away or me I went through this and didn't want you to judge or witness my struggle. Maybe they don't tell us why because part of them doesn't want us to give up on them in case they need us or suffer for what they think we deserve. I guess it all depends on what childhood they had. Who many factors, so little time in life, can't shove a relationship on anyone.

      It's a struggle to let go of our children now that they're adults, but it's part of the process if it's just a one-sided effort.

    • Leftnlonely

      Lefynlonely, I've adopted a new attitude myself. I can't change what happened. It's so much negativity and heartbreak that I decided to do the best I could. If I thought I was doing something wrong I would have changed it, butMorenot me. I'm stressing myself out so much, it's not good. I have to let it go and hope for the best or it will destroy me.
      • The writer

        Leftnlonely That's good, lady. I'm glad to hear you've moved on and decided to start a new life. Only you can make it positive for you. We can only sympathize and advise.

        Since there's nothing you can do, you might as well get over the grief and start living. Continuing to grieve is NOT worth the suffering as your son will not care at all. You will waste your emotional energy and your life. You've done your duty with him, so let it be. Many parents can't imagine what they did wrong because of the many years that have passed. When adult children choose to be petty, there is nothing parents can do. They think they are entitled to it, but their parents are not entitled to their kindness and respect.

        By the way, lady, where on earth are you? I think I'm the only one in the East. I'm an overseas Chinese, which means I was born outside of China. I live in one of the Southeast Asian countries which is sunny almost every day except during the monsoon season when it rains a lot. As we are very close to the equator there is only one season throughout the year so it is always summer which is hot and humid. The only respite is when it rains or when we run to the mountains.

        • Leftnlonely

          I'm on the east coast of the USA. Thank you very much to hear from you. Wow, I never thought this would be so broad. I enjoy your advice and lust for things you say to try to make my life better. You're aMorevery pushy person and seems to have many life experiences that have helped me. I always look forward to hearing from you, lefynlonely. I don't feel so lonely anymore but I still wonder.
          • The writer

            Leftnlonely Wow, US East Coast. It's very far from me. I have a sister-in-law and family living in New Jersey, but I've never been to the States. When I think about the long flight across the Pacific Ocean to visit the US I give up LOL.

            Thank you for your nice words. I don't know much but I can imagine how you are feeling and whatever comfort I can offer you, I will and am glad that what I am writing is making you feel better. We all go through this journey called life together, no matter where we are. So if free words can help people feel less lonely, then we should offer some as a form of prayer.

            I'm touched by the last two words in your last sentence "...but I'm still wondering." You're still looking for the answer, lady. just be patient

          • Leftnlonely

            To the scribe. I'm a few miles away from new jerseys. I only flew to Hawaii and that's 13 hours. This is my limit. We can help from anywhere in the world. Everyone has some problem and helps when we canMoreCan't be bad no matter how far away we are. It's nice to have support and to be supportive. your friend Leftnlonely.
  • RobertStrankman

    These comments are incredibly insightful. Askeithhendrickson pointed out that there are *many* stories about, "well, I was the party that was wronged, so they've got to come to me." A rather disappointing but not unexpected thing to read. But I also rejoice in the fact that alienated children and parents converse. When we spend our time talking to friends and family on our side, even those who disagree are reluctant to tell us, "Well... like you're some kind of idiot. Maybe less of an idiot?” Someone with a predisposed mind to tell us we're wrong could only give us a positive perspective on something so highly charged and emotional.

    As for my own part, I have been estranged from my mother for almost 8 years. The disagreement that led to this last option for me was rather classic; I absolutely disliked the man she had just married, and over the course of a days-long text and email argument, she had basically thwarted me: "You either get both of us or neither of us. " As a financially secure adult, I told her never to speak to me again and have only exchanged quick emails since, the closest I can get to being kind is pity.

    Well, that was obviously just the turning point at the top of a very high mountain that had taken years to build. Along the path we traveled was her own mother's misogyny and emotional abuse, alleged sexual assault and abortion before I was born, a particularly angry mixed race child who reacted poorly to the racism in the small community where growing up, a hobby that included being an opera singer who often sings at full volume regardless of location, and a host of other extremely complicated subjects that I'm not ashamed to address, but a comment on an article in the first half of a book entitled The Two Times I Felt Loved: A Son's Journey of Loss and Growth."

    But the real crux of the matter I want to address here is for the parents who send emails and only get harsh replies or seeming accusations that are completely false on their worst day and completely irrelevant on their best days. I can't speak for everyone, of course, but the truth is, I don't want to tell my mother the real reasons I'm excluding her. I'm afraid to tell her because I'm afraid of her. She was particularly adept at invalidating my feelings. Her intention didn't matter, the effect was that I could never talk to her about the words she said without feeling like I was somehow "wrong" for having been hurt. I can't say I'm an amazing person, but I can say I deserve better than being treated like I don't know how I feel.

    I don't want to give her a chance to devalue me again.

    So if she emails or somehow circumvents the various social media blocks, I keep my physical and emotional distance in my responses lest she find the catch that will allow her to tell me I'm wrong . There was a time a few years ago when I was willing to forgive her if she just accepted that behavior. I couldn't tell her to acknowledge it, partly because our own history told me another round of emotional debasement was inevitable, and partly because I couldn't take the risk that any resulting change would be superficial or was disingenuous. She had to go through this growth on her own, just as I had to work through the wellsprings of my own bitterness and anger to have the healthy relationships I've since built without her. As a result, I doubt she knows what happened on my part. Maybe she cares and is too afraid to ask. But her attempts to reconnect with me have since revolved around objects she wants to unload on me, although I've made it clear to her on numerous occasions that under no circumstances would I accept objects from her. Even when they are sincere - my own story makes that extremely suspicious - this is not the behavior of someone who has come to an emotional agreement. And since I have my own life to live, I have neither the desire nor the responsibility to help her get there.

    Do I regret cutting them out? I do that in the sense that I'm unhappy that I had to go so far to protect myself. It was still the best decision I've ever made. But since the above is just a very brief overview of a rather complicated story, I'm willing to have someone tell me, "Dude, you're kind of an idiot." I've grown enough to be comfortable hearing that.

    • relic

      RobertStrankman I won't reply to the others because I feel it would be a waste of my time. But I'm sorry to see you came here, bravely spoke your piece and only got devalued again. The truth is that the people who answer come from two groups: A) people who deny that they ever abused their children themselves, b) people who had sensible parents who were able to handle their problems solve, so why shouldn't you?

      The thing is, they might be partially right. Your mother may love you, but love is not enough. Especially not when it's love like this. I think Neil Gaiman said quite eloquently:

      “It was true: the other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money or a dragon loves his gold. In the beady eyes of the other mother, Coraline knew she was a possession, nothing more. A tolerated pet whose behavior was no longer amusing.”


      • The writer


        Neil Gaiman is INSIGHT.

    • Debbielg725752016

      Do you invalidate their feelings?
    • keithdhendrickson

      RobertStrankman Thanks for sharing your story Robert. I understand what you're going through and it's awful to live with. To me, forgiveness is easy, like meeting a bully who beat you up 20 years ago only to realize he's a complete human beingMoreother person and they are sorry for the pain they caused you. I could forgive immediately, but only if I knew the person was willing to change. But the reality is, some people never change.
    • The writer


      Tempus fugid, Robert. In no time it can be 20 years and then you wonder where the time went.

      Your mother would grow old and she would die one day. Why hold so much grudge? Why can't you discuss things with someone you respect as a mediator? Once she dies you will never have the opportunity to talk about it and you will lose the opportunity to show your care. I hope you will not live to see your extreme lack of charity.

      • RobertStrankman

        The WriterRobertStrankman This really intrigues me. They assume I care enough to talk about it, or that I do care. I don't count both. I ignore that her history of emotional abuse would make me extraordinarily hesitant to put myself out there — remember, this woman made it a point to tell me at almost every step that my feelings were “wrong” — what do I have to win? What does she have to offer me as an adult?

        To be clear, one of the reasons the estrangement was so unrelentingly easy is that despite the emotional damage I suffered, I don't like it. As a person. I don't like her hobbies, I don't like the movies or TV she watches, I don't like the books she reads. There is a notable lack of anyone in my life who shares more than an interest or two with her. If we were to talk about positive experiences in my life since I was 15, the few that she's been present for that couldn't be replaced by literally someone who wasn't actively upsetting me at that moment would be five or six if I optimistic, three of which would involve a childhood dog that died some time ago. Seems like a condemnation of her character, I know. That is not my intention. I despise her as a mother. My dislike comes from the fact that we are very different people. If she weren't my mom, I wouldn't give her a second thought, other than looking at some random activity that people enjoy and asking myself, "Why does anyone enjoy this?"

        If I don't need her emotionally as a mother, due to a very questionable economy I have long since discarded any need for the material support common in my generation and I find her presence as a person an empty experience... where do I use it when I change my life to admit someone who wouldn't otherwise be welcome?

        • The writer

          RobertStrankmanThe Writer Wow Robert! You're talking about your mother here. If you despise them and want to continue the alienation, who are we to say anything? If so, why post here at all? If your situation doesn't worry you, why did you bother to tell your story? That's why I assumed you were interested.

          "If I don't need her emotionally as a mother, I have long since rid myself of any material support from my generation due to a very questionable economy and I find her presence as a person an empty experience ... What good does it do me if I change my life to help someone to grant entry that would otherwise not be welcome?"

          Gosh, do you see your mom as a business venture? From what you've written, it seems like there was too much anxiety in your mother-son relationship and you have a lot to unravel. If it's worth saving, why not? All the best and good luck. I hope I haven't offended you.

          • RobertStrankman

            The ScribeRobertStrankman You have not been offended. Confusion and intrigue at another insight maybe, but no offense. I hope this nonsense doesn't happen to anyone else. Frankly, being estranged sucks. It feels like I'm orphaned or that something is wrong with me. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did as a kid that caused my mom to be so angry at me so many times and spent so much time tearing me down. And I can never find out because she's so adept at emotional abuse that she could drive me into another nervous breakdown. Perhaps that was her goal, "I'm so angry at the way men have treated me that I'm going to prove they can be just as weak as my mother told me women were!" HAHA!” Probably not. More likely, she was just too caught up in her own damage to notice. However, the end result is the same as I cannot endanger my family by exposing any of them to a person who is known to hurt them terribly.

            What does this mean for other separated parents? All my mom had to do before it was too late — more on why it was just about too late — was just to say, "I know my behavior often upsets you very much. My intention was not to hurt you and it obviously did, I'm sincerely sorry. If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen.” Ownership, remorse, and a willingness to listen without anger. She couldn't undo what was done... but she could have proved that she was ready to be a better person in the future. It wouldn't matter if she thought she was the wronged party or not, it wouldn't matter if she thought I was the biggest, most ungrateful idiot who ever lived (but if so, why bother to have me in her life if I were so awful), if she wanted the relationship, it had to be bigger, if only in her own eyes. Might have blown her up...then at least she could say she tried. She didn't try, so she'll never get the chance now.

            Why doesn't she ever get the chance? The answer ties in with my second post on "What brings them to the table?" I mention finances there (and in the first) to note that by the time alienation occurs, material concerns are neither the cause nor the cure. Worse, what if they were? Is that all a parent is supposed to be? A bank that calculates interest over the phone with people who are easily disinterested? I have yet to meet a person who deserves this kind of useless attachment. Every person in every person's life has to be more than just money or a little impersonal effort. My mom will never get the chance because she lost the only thing she had that could make me happy, the aforementioned childhood dog had died. The dog was the only thing my mother and I cared about equally in young adulthood. She was literally the one thing we never fought about. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have missed anything positive about my mother.

            What does this mean for other separated parents? What does your child see that you bring into their life? That might be a cold view, but it's important because it's important to why a grown child would want you in a likely happier life (if they weren't happier, they could have come forward or answered). It also matters whether the alienation ends. Without a friendship or camaraderie to sustain the relationship, she will remain cold and distant as the adult child will have little drive to pursue her beyond the bare minimum of courtesy. Yes, the adult offspring take most, if not all, of the blame for this... but again, they're not the ones looking for a relationship.

            Yes, I despise my mother. She deserves it. I despise anyone who harms or threatens me or my own safety, especially if they do so repeatedly and without remorse. No one owes their abuser love and I am rightfully too scared of their words to offer forgiveness. However, it didn't have to be that way. And maybe if I can prevent or reverse it from happening to another family, maybe that can alleviate some of my guilt...even if that guilt stems from my acting appropriately for something I can't control .

          • The writer

            RobertStrankmanDer Schreiber

            Hello Robert,

            Thank you for not taking offense and for your kind response, which helps me understand your particular situation. In fact, I was confused and intrigued as I thought with my Eastern Confucian mind. This answer will surely help many victim parents who are wondering why their adult children are staying away. Of course, some adult children do it out of selfishness or a calculating mind.

            If your mother realized that when she cannot tell you these things directly, she should turn to a reliable mediator. Your mother must have gone through a lot of abuse herself to act in the following way

            "I'm so angry at the way men have treated me that I'm going to prove they can be just as weak as my mother told me women were!"

            This shows that everything was psychological. She was hurt by male gender when she was younger, so she probably took it out on you because you're male. After reading your answer I can feel the human in you. I don't think she realized what she was doing to you all these years. All parents love their children, so they don't realize it. They think they are doing the right thing because they see things from the other side. If so, and you still think it's worth one last try, find someone you trust and your mom knows to talk to her BCS. She cannot initiate the move because she has not noticed. You're the enlightened one here, Robert, so the ball is actually up to you.

            I wish you the best. Being estranged from your parents, children and siblings is the worst thing that can happen to you.

          • lcjantzi


            By lcjantzi

            I have read all of your posts here and the others who have replied. For what it's worth, I believe you really were abused. The part that left me cold was after you said you wanted to "prevent this nonsense from happening to anyone," and then you went on to ask, "What does your child see that you bring into their life?" So I did mine asked this question. Basically, I believed that I brought everything in me into my children's lives to the point where they distanced themselves from me, which I accepted. Unlike your mother, I was supportive and there were times when I had to take the brunt of extremely hurtful criticism to support and protect my children as we went through their father's arrest and "fallout" from being sexually deviant when my son performed when my one daughter got pregnant and many other occasions that I am painfully reminded of.

            What I need to give now is peace, peace without drama and stability. I only asked for three visits a year - Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday. I even negotiated the days and times we could meet at those times. The one time I put my foot on the accelerator, it became THE problem.

            But none of my stories really relate to yours, accept "the question". My answer is I was the kind of mother who would never do anything to hurt my child. I understand there were times when her feelings were hurt or I said or did something that disappointed her. As you said, these things cannot be undone. But I think we can talk about it and maybe there's understanding to be gained. In any case, they were "abused" from their point of view and have not wanted any contact from me for years. Since they said that, they probably feel like you, so I would invalidate them etc. I think if they hear or read your story they might find out they had it pretty good and kind of consider it and loving words I used when addressing her during those years of estrangement. Words that never mentioned the hurtful and disrespectful things they said and did to me as their parents.

            So Robert, thanks for sharing your story. It has helped me to realize that what I BROUGHT into my children's lives was my best and I now deserve their love and respect. Some grown children would have given anything to have a mother like me, despite my fumbling as a parent.

    • NL mother

      RobertStrankman Robert, I'm so sorry to hear about your estrangement from your mother. Unfortunately, I have seen many parent-child relationships die because the parent remarried. Anyway, to get to my point. I have a sister who always criticizes me, it gets on my last nerve, but I watchMoreit from a different perspective. She has a problem, it's not about me, it's just that her husband and I are the only people she's allowed to criticize. I don't take it to heart, I often laugh at her which really makes her stand outside and see how she's acting, then she gets a confused look on her face. She can't help but criticize, no more that you or you can stop breathing. could you do that with your mom Just a suggestion... As a parent, I know how much the alienation hurt me, and I know that parents love their children. I don't want to belittle how she hurt you, I'm just saying that maybe she can't help it.
  • lcjantzi

    Dear Keithhendrickson,

    You seem sincerely looking for answers. I'm in both worlds, meaning my adult children have alienated me and my parents sometimes act like "spoiled, entitled, and abusive people" and demand that our relationship be on THEIR terms. A small example I recently took a plane to visit (they live in another state about 2,000 miles away) at a significant cost (I have a steady income) because it's been four months since I've been there. They don't get much company as my siblings, in the same town, have almost alienated them and my other sibling lives 2 hrs away and has a job.

    The day before I left, that was day 5, my father called me a name and I asked him not to do it because it hurt my feelings. He thought it was funny. He later called me the same name again (it's a hideous name that depicts sex with an animal). Again I asked him to please stop using that name as it was offensive to me. He claimed it wasn't offensive and called me the name again. I explained to him that calling me that made me feel unloved and like a daughter, and I asked him again not to use that name for me. He laughed about it, but although my mother laughed at first, she also told him to stop.

    I think I understand at least a little bit how you feel. It's difficult to get to the point in a relationship where both parties are willing to take responsibility for their part in the "breaking up" of the relationship. Most people want the other person to say "amends" first and then we will/could claim our part. The thing is, most of these broken relationships are emotionally charged and some are very sensitive to hearing "explanations" as "excuses" because we tell ourselves stories. Sometimes we "bathe" in these stories day after day until we are firmly convinced that they are the whole truth. For example, one of my adult children told me that they all agreed that I was the cause of their poor body image and resulting eating disorders. They claim that I followed their dad because of his weight and they were all on a diet because I was obsessed with his weight. The truth is that my son was often ill with upper respiratory infections and double ears when he was a baby. A friend suggested changes to my family's diet; it was radical (no sugar, white flour, or highly processed foods—keep it as natural as possible). I was hesitant to do it, but I did after a series of doctor visits and rounds of antibiotics left my young son sicker than he was pre-medication. My son responded well to the new "diet" and I learned how to make things sweet with honey and maple syrup. My children asked me to prepare certain foods and treats. I raised her eating this way. Also, they had no idea that their father had asked me for help to keep his weight down since his family was mostly obese and his father died of a massive heart attack. But my grown children seem to need a culprit.

    I wasn't a perfect mother. I was passive when I should have been assertive. I was wrong in some of my beliefs. I came under fire because my siblings realized I was being too attentive to my children and too involved a mother. I think maybe I was apologizing for my teens because their father was arrested for a sex crime and neither she nor I saw it coming. The divorce lasted over 2 years. because I'm dealing with moving, finding new schools for my teens, finding and working a full time job, dealing with their dad about child support, dealing with lawyers, psychologists (me and my teens), therapists (me and my teens) had to fight. psychiatric nurses (for my daughter) and their pay, my teens dealing with drugs, sex, pregnancies, an abortion, my grandson in the hospital for months and his death, my daughter's suicide attempts and I had two surgeries and went through menopause.

    Keith, I guess what I'm saying is make sure you know the whole truth. We are made of the same "stuff" as our parents. Make sure you are open to understanding beyond what you have seen and experienced. There may be better ways to set stronger boundaries with your parents. As for me, I will not let my father call me that without letting him know that it will damage our relationship and damage my respect for him as his daughter.

    Family relationships are sacred and we cannot separate one another without harming ourselves. I hope you can find a way to get the respect and love you desire because you obviously want to give respect and love as well.

    Would you be willing to read a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg? It was helpful for me. I wish you all the best on your journey and I hope that you never have to walk the path of alienation.

    • keithdhendrickson

      lcjantzi Thank you for your reply. Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately, the damage I face to myself in cutting off abusive relatives is a compromise I have to make; something I have to live with and struggle with on a daily basis. What you say is true. We will never end a relationship without hurting ourselves. But it's the only way to stop the cycle of abuse. We need to find a way to live with our frustration, anger, and insecurities so we don't pass our negativity on to our children.

      The truth is I don't know the whole story. One thing I've learned is that in many ways I know very little about her life. I can't begin to understand what others have gone through; their struggles, failures, their pains. Honestly, while I'm always willing to listen, these things are none of my business. But if a bully hits you on the playground, forgiving them if you understand why they did it will help you, but it won't stop it from happening again. I understand and respect that others have experienced trials that I have not had, but unfortunately we are all responsible for our behavior towards others. Just my opinion.

    • The writer

      lcjantzi I agree that adult children sometimes "see" things that aren't there. They form ideas from their experiences/thoughts/observations while growing up, but what they blame their parents for may be unfounded. The untruth could probably be very true to them through wrong interpretations of words and deeds.

      Hey Keith, you should come East and see for yourself how "entitled" parents are here, especially X-Generation and Baby Boomer parents. Parents of young adults belonging to the Y and Z generations have lost some of the “entitlement” that parents of older generations take for granted. However, most of our "legitimate" parents behave, but some give their young adult children a hard time by demanding a lot from their children - their time and money. We are still traditional and filial piety is still the norm. A child who is not a child will be criticized by relatives and close family friends. Many Thanks.

      • keithdhendrickson

        The Scribelcjantzi Thank you for your reply. There are many cultural and generational differences that create tension in any child-parent relationship. Times are changing and how we are culturally expected to treat our children and parents is changing. Especially with my parents-in-law, I have tried to appreciate and take this into accountMoreConsideration as they don't accept me. They come from a different time and culture completely alien (geographically and culturally) to the one I grew up in. However, I cannot accept abuse in my life. Abuse will destroy your self-worth, your marriage, your relationship with your children, and will never end if you don't fight back. I guess what I'm saying is that I just expect to be treated with the same respect that you would treat any adult. Why should family be any different than any other relationship? You treat her with respect because you know that if you don't, you will lose a friend very quickly. But because we're family, it's okay to treat each other horribly. After all, you only have one family, right? - Just a few thoughts.
        • The writer

          keithdhendricksonThe Scribelcjantzi

          Hallo Keith,

          The problem here in the east is that few people see it as "abuse", especially the way they treated their daughters-in-law a few generations ago. Of course, the situation is changing quickly, and soon it will be the daughters-in-law who will do the "bullying".

          I agree that respect is paramount. Family shouldn't be any different. If we can treat friends, coworkers, and neighbors with respect, why can't we do the same to family? Kindness and respect will end this alienation problem that has largely plagued the western world but has already reared its ugly head and destroyed many families.

          • keithdhendrickson

            The Scribekeithdhendricksonlcjantzi Yes, there is a fine line between the abuse and the abuse. I live in the East, or rather the Southeast, haha, my in-laws are Polynesian, which you probably wouldn't consider an abusive culture, but it is what it is. IMoreknow that in Asian cultures, older people are particularly revered, which, as you mentioned, can cause a lot of tension.
          • The writer

            keithdhendricksonThe Scribelcjantzi

            Hallo Keith,

            You wrote that you live in the southeast. From what part of the world, if I may ask? Could your in-laws be from Fiji or a Polynesian island? I live among Malays of Polynesian ancestry. The Polynesians are a very gentle and sympathetic people, yet there is abuse in every culture.

            Worshiping elders (and people older than us) need not necessarily create tension if we simply accept the practice as part of a particular culture. Dissatisfaction arises when we question too much, e.g. if you watch a fairy tale on tv and keep questioning this and that scene, you won't be able to enjoy the story. We Orientals are simpler. We just expose our disbelief LOL and accept all practices because it's part of the culture. Today's boys (teens and adults alike) feel they have to break the norm just to demonstrate their individualism. We can always exercise our individualism in a way that doesn't upset the norm of a society.

            I mentioned that alienation is rearing its ugly head here in the East because today's youth find it difficult to take culture of entitlement etc. for granted.

          • keithdhendrickson

            The Scribekeithdhendricksonlcjantzi I'm an American, where I was born and raised. I currently live in Australia and my in-laws are New Zealand Polynesian and also live in Australia. So, as you can imagine, it took me a while to clarify what was socially and culturally acceptable difference and what was just abusive behavior. I know that's not part of their culture, it's just who they are as individuals. Polynesian culture is incredibly open and hospitable in many ways.

            Being Chinese, I can imagine that given some of the recent Western influences in China's culture and economy, there would be a lot of tension between the elderly family/community and the "simple" philosophy that prevails among the elderly you mention and the individualistic tendencies of western influences on youth. Just some thoughts.

  • keithdhendrickson

    Wow, I came here to get a glimpse of my parents' perspective on our estranged relationship, but everyone here seems to be a victim. I don't think I've read a post where someone took responsibility for their own behavior. I was NOT an easy kidMoreParenting, but while there are many spoiled, entitled, and abusive children, there are also spoiled, entitled, and abusive parents. What happens when a child matures and moves on, but the parents still practice the same abusive habits; It's much harder for someone to change who has acted the way they have their entire life. Very often relationships are severed because as an adult you can see your parents' behavior for what it is, instead of living in ignorance and denial like you did as a child. I am not perfect but I will not allow any relationship, even my parents, to bring drama, insecurity and abuse into my life, my family, my marriage.
    • NL mother

      keithdhendrickson Yes, Keith, there are many victims here. We had our hearts taken out of our chests and we stepped on them and believe me we spent months if not years trying to figure out why. If we knew what we are responsible for, we would gladly carry that burden. And weMoreCome here looking for answers and insights into why this is happening to us, so maybe we can figure out what we did wrong. Trying to figure out what we did wrong and why many alienated parents use and probably always will. Learning to live with alienation is all consuming, everyone here loved their child(ren) and would happily trade our limbs and eyes for a relationship with them. I don't see a spoiled, entitled or abusive parent here, I see parents searching for answers, living with grief and despair, if that seems like anything else to you that's fair, it's hard to see people going through what these Parents are walk through and understand unless you've been there. Good luck and take care. I hope that your relationship with your parents, if not repaired, that you find peace with it.
    • Debbielg725752016

      Sounds like you've gotten over not being a victim...
    • way to happiness

      @ keithdhendrickson

      Yes there are many adults on this site who take no responsibility for their actions, many seem to have absolutely no idea what they have done? and are victims. In life it is not always possible to get along with everyone (be it family/friends etc.). Sometimes relationships are just not meant to be. There is a reason and purpose behind everything (and that can be difficult to understand).

      At the end of the day, we need to put our own marriage, family, the people who are separate from our lives helping us, supporting us at this time, our relationship with God first. Stay away/avoid people who are abusive, bring insecurity and drama into your life. It's the smart thing to do!

      You are a "difficult child/teen" to raise...all children/teens can be disobedient to their parents, children lie, some steal, some children have tantrums, some swear, some are shocking at school, some experiment. What children don't speak, they act out! Maybe not right, but it's apart from growing up, learning consequences and making better decisions. It is perfectly normal to make bad decisions in life, especially as a child, teenager. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about things you did as a child or teenager. The healthy thing is to learn from those bad choices.

      Watch after.

    • Steve Drettler

      How about me as a father who has always been loving and caring for his only daughter and after a very contentious divorce my daughter went to her mother's sid and has not spoken to me in 15 years. I communicate via SMS, Facebook etc but don't unfriend meMoreAnswers. My heart breaks every day
      • keithdhendrickson

        Steve Drettler I'm very sorry Steve. I don't know much about your relationship. However, I know from my own experience that it's very hard sometimes to tell your parents how you feel, especially when you know it will hurt their feelings. It's easier to just cut them out and save yoursMoreFeelings from your anger and resentment, all the while keeping them in the dark trying to figure out what could have gone wrong. Maybe she blames you for the divorce. Regardless, there's obviously something she's holding onto that she doesn't like talking to you about. Like I said, I don't know about your relationship and it's none of my business, but thanks for your reply Steve. Hopefully one day things will get better for you and your daughter.
      • lcjantzi

        Steve Drettler von lcjantzi

        It's hard to believe at times how children often reject a very loving parent who is willing to talk and listen about things. I was sad to read that your daughter has carried her judgment and punitive behavior for 15 years! It is as if she remembers nothing of the loving and good things you have done for her. Or maybe it is because she cannot reconcile her relationship with you and cannot maintain her relationship with her mother. It seems to me that our generation of children has little discernment or strength of character to recognize that one can love both parents who have separated. In my case, it was obvious that her father's sexual offense and continued pursuit was the reason for our divorce, but I did not ask her not to have a relationship with him. I just asked her to be careful around him; I knew they must have some kind of relationship with him.

        I hope your daughter grows to understand that you have been waiting for her and how long you have suffered. Maybe she takes you for granted because she can read your communiques and continue to punish you by not responding. I cannot imagine that a loving parent like you deserves such continued punitive action.

        I made a very conscious decision to NOT communicate with my adult children anymore. Here's what I thought: You haven't responded to my continued, loving communication for over two years. (I don't know about you for 15 years, Steve, but maybe I'll find out.) I accepted that they rejected me as their mother. So be it. I can't change her mind despite trying everything I can. I decided to write to them one last time and let them know that I'm comfortable with the idea that we may never see or speak to each other again. It wasn't easy writing to them or living with it after broadcasting, but I feel a little lighter and more peaceful.

        Steve, I've said a lot. I hope you can find your way to peace on this path of alienation that we had to walk. As one committed parent to another, I'm on your side.

      • Debbielg725752016

        Hello Steve,. My son walked without speaking to me for a solid 12 years. We've talked and even spent time together, but he continues to be unavailable and angry far too often. I see an advisor. I keep texting him, but I believe himMoreshe never reads. It is a deep despair and I feel sorry for you and have great sympathy. I wish I had a magic wand! ~ Debbie
        • NL mother

          Debbielg725752016 Debbie I have to ask after such a long time how he approached you to start the relationship again and did you find that difficult? Can you trust him not to do it again? I haven't seen my son for almost two years, last contact was a FB message eight months agoMorebefore. I don't know if I could let my son back into my life. I wouldn't be able to look at him with respect or warmth.
          • Debbielg725752016

            Thank you for the insight. Very helpful
          • NL mother

            Debbielg725752016 Hi Debbie, sorry for dragging this conversation out. I know that sometimes it's hard to even talk or even think about our alienated children. Could it be that your son is frustrated with himself? I know of a case where the son tried to contact his motherMorebut he didn't know how to do it, he felt like an idiot and couldn't look his mother in the eye because of guilt. Just a thought.
          • Debbielg725752016

            He didn't approach me

            After 12 years of searching I found him

          • The writer

            NL MomDebbielg725752016

            I agree with you NL Mom. Any kid who can ignore their parents for months and years isn't worth the trouble. How could you feel respect or warmth for such a child? No more than 6 months is reasonable. Anything over a year is beyond the bounds of decency.

      • NL mother

        Steve Drettler Heartbreaking Steve, I'm so sorry for you. I have a friend in the same situation, he has three daughters. He doesn't talk about it much, but when he does you can see the pain on his face. I'm sure you think your ex-wife had something to doMoredo, and even if she didn't (which I doubt) she should have encouraged your daughter to have a relationship with you.
  • JohnDashnerIII

    My father and I have been semi-estranged for about twenty-five years now (since I moved out). We really haven't had a good relationship since I was young. I can remember being physically threatened when I said the wrong thing (around the age of five or six), not to mention being beaten up VERY badly with a wooden bat in third grade for bad grades.

    The thing is, even after he threatened me as a little kid, he thought it was perfectly fine to constantly make comments about my weight in high school. They even sent me to a therapist to find out why I didn't relate to other people my age.

    My mother did this to undress me after I was discharged from the Navy. My father then started using his house as a check and told me I wasn't welcome there unless I was doing exactly what he wanted, even if he stuck his nose in where it wasn't wanted. He saw my visits as an opportunity to critique me about things in my life that he didn't agree with, and then acted confused when I left and didn't come back.

    Two years ago my mother had a stroke and was placed in a nursing home. He spoke perfunctory about how it would "bring us closer together." Three phone calls with him in the following week each lasted no longer than five minutes. That hasn't changed in a year and a half, no matter who's calling who. He calls when there's something to tell about the nursing home, that's it. I just wish we could have a relationship but it never seems like it will.

    • Leftnlonely

      That's very sad. One day your father will be a very lonely man. Sounds like you did your best. Sounds like he won't let anyone into his world. Try again sometime. Leftnlonely
      • JohnDashnerIII

        Leftnlonely Oh he does, but they're people who cater to his every whim. Some of his old friends have even stopped talking to him because he feels entitled to say whatever he wants, no matter how rude.
      • The writer

        Leftnlonely how are you, lady? Go ahead and make your life worth living. Life is short so make it sweet.

        Allow me to present an analogy to life.

        There are 3 types of Chinese tea - bitter, sweet and mild. The sweet tea does not need any sugar as it is naturally sweet, the bitter tea can never be sweetened no matter how much sugar you add, and the mild tea is designed to rid your mouth of the bitter/sweet taste. Many people forget and drink all their sweet tea in their youth and leave them only bitter tea in their old age. The Buddha tells us to leave some sweet tea for the later part of our lives.

        • Leftnlonely

          lefynlonely . That was a very good analogy. Very good advice. I even got a part-time job as a hostess at a dinner theater. Which is very flexible. People are all very happy for a night out for dinner and a show.MoreSo I'm around almost all happy people. It was fun. So I'm trying to help myself but it was a hard push. I still miss my son and guess I can't see him but I'm not that upset.
  • Missing bill

    My son Bill stopped talking to me about 7 years ago. It's a long, dramatic story. A council member told me to have a funeral for him because there has never been a closure. I'm thinking of sending out some invites (as a support) and buying a new black outfit for themMoreday (to cheer me up). thoughts & opinions please? Would it be "overkill" to order flowers?
    • NL mother

      @Missingbill Your councilor needs to find a new workspace. A funeral? Know someone who lost a child and had to stand there while lowering their child's coffin into the ground? Unfortunately, I too am estranged from my child, but I know that as sadMoreIn our situation, any single parent who has buried a child would immediately switch places with you or me. Also imagine if your son found out about his "funeral", don't you think it would hurt him, that there is some context in which he could see that as okay? I know you're hurt and I have to admit I've been angry for months and can't get over it, but I don't project my anger onto anyone (ok, I'll admit the punk who cut me off yesterday has two fingers and some don't such exquisite words). I hope you get beyond the phase you are in and continue to move through the phases until you get to a point where you can deal with the pain. I hope to forgive my son for the pain he caused me, but that doesn't mean I hope to have a relationship with him. I was hoping to accept the situation and move on with my life. I hope the same for all parents here.
    • The writer

      @Missingbill Due to cultural differences, I would advise you NOT to do something like this. Perhaps westerners or whites are not as superstitious as we are in the east. There is a Malay word (the language we're using here) that means "pantang" or "taboo" in English. We believe that words and actions can bring happiness or misfortune. That's why it's best to just keep quiet when there's nothing good to say.

      I am truly an "observer" as I am not directly involved in adult child alienation. I enjoy reading the posts here and participating in the discussion.

      Here in the east we're still traditional and our young adults still have a lot of childlike deference to their "legitimate" parents, but most parents here do their duty and behave. 50 years ago the parents were still "entitled" here, but alienation did not exist. I think this started with the x generation in the west or could it have started with the babay boomers? here in the east it started with the y generation, but we could see this non-aggressive cancer slowly spreading. Whatever the case, I am now observing two young adults (both girls, both well educated, both married to well educated men who have well paying jobs) in my extended family who are acting against the norm, which means that they become rude .

      Please let me apologize in advance if what I wrote in paragraph 1 offended you, but you did in terms of thoughts and opinions. Many Thanks

      • Missing bill

        Thank you for your honest advice The Scribe.
  • lcjantzi

    Thanks to everyone who replied to me. It feels so good to be heard by those who can understand. I appreciate you being there for me and allowing me to be there for you.

    I would like to say here that I believe there is a "process" that I have gone through since my alienation experience. Maybe it's like processing the death of a loved one or a loss like a divorce. Although it may be unique to each person and your circumstances. To me it seemed to follow a pattern of hurt, confusion/denial, realization, anger and acceptance. The hardest part for me was going through the confusion, getting stuck in the anger, and my many attempts at acceptance (one step forward, two steps back). I am not ashamed of being or staying in any of these "stages" for as long as it took me to thoroughly complete the process. AND I reserve the right to "slip back" if something or someone "triggers" me. As a person I am complicated. But it is evident to all that it is difficult to deal with this painful problem with our children/families that has become an apparent pandemic in the world we live in.

    From time to time I remind myself to "coach" myself with the grace I believe God would give me. I say to myself, "You're angry now, but you're going to work through this. Take your time, rest, some healing balm and do it again tomorrow. You're almost there."

    • NL mother

      lcjantzi Thanks for posting! Your way of dealing with alienation sounds similar to mine. I've been stuck in the anger phase for about five months now and am trying to get over it, but I seem to be stuck here. I try to be indifferent, butMoreI can't imagine how it would feel.
  • lcjantzi

    What I want to say here is that I believe there is a "process" that we go through when we feel alienated. Maybe it's like processing the death of a loved one or a loss like a divorce. Although it is unique to each individual and circumstances. It can follow a pattern of hurt, confusion/denial, realization, anger, and acceptance. The hardest part for me was going through the confusion, getting stuck in the anger, and my many attempts at acceptance (one step forward, two steps back). I am not ashamed of being or staying in any of these "stages" for as long as it took me to thoroughly complete the process. AND I reserve the right to "slip back" if something or someone "triggers" me. As a person I am complicated. But it is obvious to all that it is difficult to deal with this painful problem with our children/families that has become an apparent pandemic.

    From time to time I "coach" myself with the grace that I believe God would give me. I want to say, "You're angry now, but you're going to work through this. Give yourself some time, rest, some healing balm and do it again tomorrow. You're almost there."

    • Debbielg725752016

      Many Thanks
  • Leftnlonely

    I have terrible days where I just want this all to stop. I will apologize or do whatever I don't need to do to at least be able to talk to my son and have a better relationship. Life is too short. For this we must make amends, but without knowingMorecommunicate what you can. I'm so heartbreaking
  • Leftnlonely

    Someone please tell me how this all started. My son and I have been best friends for the past 8 years who have traveled and laughed together. He broke up with an old friend who he told me horrible stories about why they broke up. Then she comes bsckmin his life. He doesn't tell me at first. But decide to tell me. I am shocked and don't know what to say

    He asks if she can come into the house. I think if you guys are together I should get used to it and here she is. 6 weeks later they get married and I get the dump. I was good to her, I thought she liked me and everything was mutual. Mow, we're all estranged. And you can't find out if it comes out. Any help out there. Please

    • JohnDashnerIII

      Leftnlonely I'm sorry, it sounds like what your son did hurt you terribly. It could have been his girlfriend's work.
  • Leftnlonely

    To the writer...I totally agree. I've never thought of it that way. It all makes sense I fell into these atrocities only 5 vmo and my son got married at the same time he left me. I still miss him and wonder if I ever willMorechange. Leftnlonely
    • The writer

      leftnlonely dear lady,

      Don't feel so bad for doing your duty to your son. He's the one who should search his heart. Almost all parents do their best for their children and worry about them. Many Asian parents still go so far as to finance each child's first home. It's crazy, but all well-heeled Asian parents do that. I don't think parents should go that far. Giving them a good basic education (up to their first degree) is sufficient. The rest is up to them.

      Parents have to take care of themselves in old age. Make sure you are financially stable so that you are in control of your life. Enough sadness. Once you sort your thoughts and feelings, start enjoying life. He's not worth wasting your whole life on. Go ahead and start living for yourself. If my grown child betrays my love and my sacrifices, I would turn the tables on him, let him have the ball and blame him. In the East, parents always win hands down. Then I would go out and enjoy life to the fullest. Travel (come east), eat, wear comfortable good clothes, go to the casino and play a little for fun, hehe, generally do what you enjoy.

      • Leftnlonely

        Thank you SCRIBE. You put everything in perspective. Thank you.. great help.
        • The writer

          Leftnlonely you're welcome. I sympathize because I sympathize with someone in my extended family who is witnessing careless and callous young adult children (they didn't dare to cut off the parents). Now that their father is ill, they are trying to wriggle out of their duty. In the East, especially where I live, such behavior is still rare as the majority of the population is Muslim. The teachings of Islam forbid children to wrong their parents.

          I don't want to experience first hand how painful it is to be treated unkindly and unfairly by your children after making so much sacrifice and hard work.

          May your son come to his senses soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself, especially your health.

          • Leftnlonely

            I'm sure he won't come to his senses in my lifetime. My health is good as far as I know. I just have to accept what happened without knowing why. Hoping that karma is really out there. And the memory of themMoregood times. That's all I can do. Bill still checks in here for assistance. Because I always need that
  • MumofThree

    Hi everyone, I am just estranged from my eldest son (February). He lives with his fiancee and their 15-month-old daughter. Although I was not allowed to see them, my youngest son (12) was visiting as I felt it was important to maintain a relationship with his brother and niece. However, when my youngest came back from recent visits, he complained that my son's fiancée wasn't very nice to him and that his big brother hadn't intervened.

    Also, I occasionally email my estranged son (only communication was left open from him) saying I miss him and love him, but recently he has replied twice that he wishes I was dead.

    I am now concerned about allowing my younger son's visits. I worry that they will have a bad influence on him. If my estranged son can send me messages like this, if he can use my granddaughter as collateral, surely he wouldn't think twice about using his little brother?

    Tonight I plan to talk to my little son and explain to him that he can no longer visit his brother. Explain that we are “retiring” as a family until things cool down. Part of me is also hoping that with no family ties, my estranged son could just start thinking about the situation.

    Please thoughts...

    Von mumofthree xxxc

    • JohnDashnerIII

      MumofThree No son who loves his mother would EVER say that to be ashamed of.
    • NeedForPeace

      MumofThree I am so sorry for the difficult and painful situation. If you fear for your youngest son when he visits his eldest brother, then you must protect your 12-year-old. Maybe the 12-year-olds can make phone calls instead of visiting.

      Even if it feels impossible now, perhaps the occasional email or card will keep a line of communication open and leave open the possibility of reconciliation as your eldest son works through whatever is causing his need for distance.

    • healing heart

      This is a sad thing to hear from our grown up children, somehow they feel that daughter-in-law might be the culprit of this argument. If your younger son is being abused and your older son made that comment, act instinctively. Your older son can call him or email him back and forth. Chances are your older son cuts you off completely, but he doesn't seem to give you the respect you deserve.

      As for the continued emails from you to him, I've been there, but not with as stern a response as what you've received. What I've learned from all my kind emails reminding me how much I loved her because I felt it was important for her to know that and not be acknowledged is that it's more painful no one likes I quit altogether because it's just important that I feel loved and if not by her then by myself.

      I only have one, if I had another who is underage I would only focus on that one and eventually the other can live with their words which I'm sure they regret but won't see if you can with words of any magnitude Come back . Silent answer do what he said he has to live with that...don't be a doormat/victim take back your power.

      Just my thoughts... go with your intuition and wish you the best!

      • Missing bill

        Bill stopped talking to me 7 years ago. I only have one too. I only focus on one. How do I get my power back for not being a doormat?
        • Leftnlonely

          To MissingBill. That is a difficult question. Are you saying you only have one kid and his bill? Do you have other children and is the only son??
    • The writer

      MumofThree Wow. Poor mom. How could he say that about his own mother? All I can say is he's immature. A mature person would wish his mother good health and long life.

      We in the east NEVER curse our parents. Islam is the official religion I live by, although I'm not a Muslim. Islam teaches that heaven is at your mother's feet and if your mother curses you seven times, the curse will come true. Being a child to your mother brings you greater blessings than being a child to your father, but in Islam (as well as Buddhism) it is a major sin to mistreat one's parents/elders. We dare not mistreat our parents. Even today, young Muslim adults treat their parents very, very well compared to young adults of other faiths. I envy the Muslim parents here and respect their grown children.

  • healing heart

    Sometimes parenting can go either way, tough love or tender heart, but if they cut you off as an adult, then you can't blame yourself. We're adults here and it's a level playing field, I used to give my parenting report a 5 but I have it nowMoreGive the daughter card one too. I'm no longer a parent, that job ended when she grew up. Live and let live... it's not worth losing my quality of life to someone who can't play nice!
    • way to happiness

      @ Healing Heart

      Lots of angry moms on this site. "I used to give my parenting record a 5, but now I give the daughter card a 5 as well." ...then you go on to write, "It's not worth losing my quality of life to someone who can't play nice!" Just out of interest, what do you give your daughter on her "report card"? I hope it's nice.

      • healing heart

        Most are just hurt, this is no place to judge. The decision to stop playing the victim should not be dictated by anger. Being too hard on yourself puts health at risk, which I firmly believe no one is worth.

        Her grade would have been bad that day, but hey, my long story, just walking in my shoes would be a clear picture. Beware the path to happiness, we all want the same thing, just have different ways of going about it

      • healing heart

        Most are just hurt, the decision to stop playing the victim doesn't dictate anger. I won't lie, it wasn't a good grade that day, but hey, long story, only one person in my shoes would understand my story. But this is no place for judgment!MoreOn the road to happiness, we all have our own way to get there.
  • Leftnlonely

    Leftnlonely. Well, as they say, karma will get you

    After what my claimant did to me and how he disfellowshipped me

    His vehicle was stolen last night. Minimal insurance so no help. No way for him and his wife to get to work. No way to get groceries and no friends because they turned their backs on them too because all they need is love and each other. Wonder how this works now. Sometimes it does happen

    • Spirited lady

      Leftnlonely Let's hope they learn from this and ask for help and relationship. Unfortunately, many do not change. Many just blame others and apologize without making the connection.
      • The writer

        Temperamentvolle LadyLeftnlonely

        It seems many of today's young adults learned LOL from Robinson Crusoe, but even he needed his Man Friday. I've heard they also cut off all their friends and co-workers (they only communicate while at work) as if they only need each other. Really karma!!!

        • Leftnlonely

          Leftnlonely. To the scribe. That's exactly what he does with every friend, but one has been cut from his life. He only socializes at work. That's it. He has very few friends that he keeps in touch with. His best friends are gone, but he has reconnected with older friends he had many years ago

          Oh my daughter and I will never get into this agsin. He has bad luck with the whole family. Thank you for noticing me.

          • The writer

            Leftnlonely you're welcome, lady.

            In fact, I wonder what's going on with many young adults today. How come they are so closed off - closed off like some Americans LOL because the US is cut off from the continents of Asia, Europe and Africa by the Atlantic. People from the UK, or the Scandinavian countries, or any country in Western Europe know about Southeast Asia, but few Americans (hopefully I'm not offending well-travelled/well-read Americans).

            The mind becomes closed off when people close themselves off from others.

    • lcjantzi

      Thank you for your contribution. I'm so relieved to hear that. That means you don't have to do anything to the car. I know it would have been a difficult step, so I'm glad they get this chance to learn from their choices. Well to be strongMoreenough not to save her, right? Know that I'm cheering for you.
      • Leftnlonely

        Thank you I need that cheer for Icjantri by leftnlonely. Time helps. Not much, but we have to crawl before we can walk. lefynlonely
      • Leftnlonely

        It's another car that I have yet to pay for. It wasn't stolen, it was sold. I didn't sign for the stolen one his sister did.
        • The writer

          Leftnlonely Looks like your son used you and your daughter. He lost nothing and still made money from the car he sold although you still have to pay back the loan. The insurance company will deduct an amount of money called the "deposit money" from the amount they pay outMoreteach us to be careful with our cars. Your daughter would still have to pay back the loan. In both cases, your son escaped unharmed. Don't let him manipulate you/your family again.
          • Leftnlonely

            He will never have or get another chance.
  • schön

    So far, my adult children have not been in contact.

    Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I'm actually happier than I've ever been. I was a mess when they made contact with me. I didn't see it, I was blind.

    I would work all the time, all my money went to her. I could even afford underwear, madness, right!

    I am reassured that I did everything I could, that I am a good person and that I was an amazing mother.

    As long as I know this now, I did my best.

    I was broken, but my happiness and fruitful life are no longer based on my children. I'll leave the door open, but no more fool.

    Whether they wish to be contacted or not is their decision.

    I am now in the process of living a wonderful life. I can laugh now

    I really thought at first I was worthless because of their rejection but now I see that they have my ex's personality, they inherited ugliness and lack of empathy.

    In the meantime I'll be traveling, selling my house in California, buying a cute little house (paid for) and as long as it's close to a hospital or senior center I'll be busy.

    I get along well with my beekeeping, sell my honey and won first place/blue ribbon for my honey at the fair.

    • Spirited lady

      chokonoko Good for you! You sound very healthy. It's a process. Even in the best of circumstances, there is a process of learning to live independently of one's children and the responsibilities of raising children... and learning to relate to our children as adults and make their choices about lifestyle and the extent of the child to accept contact.MoreBut we all have to adapt to more extreme situations. Like I said, it's a process and you seem to have done the work to get to a happy place. Congratulations!
    • Leftnlonely

      Sounds like you're doing very well. I've also noticed that I'm happier, but I still miss my son. We were so close and traveled so much. I'm still at a loss. However, I have to say that I don't miss walking to the airportMore3 times a week to pick him up and drop him off, he works for a major airline and if his flight goes to lster the same day he comes to my house so he doesn't have to sleep in the crew lounge. So it's 11:30pm to get him. Then 530 to bring him back. Not much sleep. I want to get to where you are. you are doing so well
    • Lydia Alexandra

      Chokonoko Fantastic!! Watch out for the bees as they are not as numerous as they used to be. Best wishes to you. X
      • The writer

        Lydia Alexandrachokonoko

        Take care of them because they take care of you by making you earn by selling the honey. And the blue ribbon too! Congratulations.

    • lcjantzi

      I am happy for you because you have found the freedom that I am just beginning in my life without any contact with my children. Thank you for sharing and giving me a boost to live my life guilt-free yet productive.
  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

    The writer

    Thanks for your question. We appreciate yours

    Interest in our site and our articles. Here at Empowering Parents it

    Our goal is to create a supportive atmosphere in our comments section

    Parents struggling with the problems described in our articles. we

    post comments from people of all backgrounds and with different opinions, but

    Since we can't publish every comment, we limit off-topic comments

    or who criticize another parent's decisions. We really want

    Maintain a supportive atmosphere where parents can learn and learn some new tools

    get help. Thank you for reaching out to us for clarification.

  • lcjantzi

    Attempts, my grandchild's months of hospitalization where I spent many days and hours while nearly losing my job, his death and broken heart of his dear mother, and more suicide attempts. Oh, and lest I forget, I'm going through menopause all the time. Well maybe I just did the best damn job I could and all my mistakes don't erase all the loving things I've done.

    But it takes work to sort out the truth and love mistakes (I'm not talking real abuse here) and 20's and 30's just don't seem to have the time for that or maybe the brain development, I don't know. What I do know is that my life is more peaceful without those broken relationships and I don't want to have those relationships. What I continue to hope, pray and believe for are reconciled relationships with these people based on mutual respect. For my part, I've done everything I can do. I'm open to learning new things about communication, different approaches to problem solving, and creative ways to connect with family. God help me I will wait and try to keep a strong and loving place for my grown children.

    What is impossible for humans is possible with God. Between the wrong and the right is a field. I will meet you there...

  • lcjantzi

    I'm having one of my furious days reading to catch up on the new posts on this site. Spirited Lady wrote that we should think about giving our 20-year-olds some time to develop their brains. Well I did and then I became alienated. It has been two and a half years and I have often wondered if it would have been better for me to confront my eldest for her lying, manipulative and controlling behavior when she was in her twenties. Maybe she would have respected me because I would have demanded that she show me the respect and consideration that she has shown to the other people in her life, other than as her mother. But no, I thought she would outgrow it. I attributed it to the complications of her father's arrest and subsequent divorce, her urge to make "mistakes" as part of her self-discovery, her urge to focus on her boyfriend, then husband and his family, her urge to care for her family when she had kids, and so on and so on, until she made it clear that MY needs didn't matter and I should "just stop feeling that way."

    I used to feel guilty because a big part of me was relieved that I didn't have to endure any longer. I didn't have to deal with their games, lies, and interference in my relationship with my other two adult children. But what really tops it off is how these "grown up" kids empower us to be the ones who have to do something they know makes us look bad. In the case of Leftnlonely, she must stop making payments and/or repossess the car. In my case, there was not a large amount of money as cash.

    They are the ones who damaged the relationship but they play to make us look unfair, unreasonable and unloving.

    They would be right if they said I wasn't a good parent because in hindsight I should have stood up to them in a strong way during that time and ignored the fear of risking losing my relationship with them. Maybe it had something to do with her father's arrest for sexual deviance, the divorce, starting a new job, a daughter with an unplanned pregnancy, her drug use, her suicide

    • Leftnlonely

      You cannot be responsible for the actions of others, only yourself. Don't blame yourself. We all had. Stepping stones to jump over. But you fooled yourself. Did you get the instructions for use at birth? Neither do I.
    • Leftnlonely

      We were too good of parents. That's the problem that's too good for them. Yes, I agree, you should have faced her in her twenties. I should have stood up to my son back then, but I didn't. He's 40 now and kicked me outMoreto the wind. After many years of being so close, I died inside. We'll remain estranged, he set the stage and I'm done. This site helped me to be so strong. Yes, I will always miss him. I will not allow him to exhaust my life and all the drama 10 people couldn't take. Life is much calmer without the drama. I will always miss him, we had 8 years of fabulous holidays and a million laughs. Didn't know I was set up
    • Spirited lady

      lcjantziSounds like you're still blaming yourself... and playing the what if game. When I talked about giving them time, I wasn't talking about accepting abuse. I've never experienced that with my son. During his high school and college years, he went through many ups and downs with me, but never what my husband or I felt was abuse. Once in high school he used profanity and my husband said to him, "We don't talk like that in this house." He apologized. Although he was moody at times because other things were happening in his life...or not happening...and he had various issues with me (I tend to be late, we had an exchange student he teased), mine Son and I had many delightful times together when he was in college and after. It seemed to depend on his then-girlfriend's attitude or whether he had one.

      However, when he got engaged, he said to me, "You lose a son and you don't gain a daughter. You shouldn't treat her like a friend and you won't be a part of our lives." Apparently that was part of their marriage contract. I thought at the time that this was related to his issues with me, his father's death etc. Yes, he said it was "because of my behavior". But it's 6 years later and I've realized that this isn't about me or my son, it's about his wife and her need for control. What they meant by my behavior was that I took her out to lunch, hosted her family for Thanksgiving, and invited her to live with us for a few months so she could take any job in our community that she wanted. Last year she informed me that no communication from me was wanted. (I emailed her a few times a year.) That's rude, but not offensive. I just don't communicate with her now. My son has communicated less and less with me throughout his life. He sends me a 2 word text greeting for my birthday and Christmas and responds to requests for information about gifts. It must be sad for him too. But he will never leave these children, and neither do I. I just pray that the other parts of his life are going well. But I worry about the attitude and the impact on the children. My son said I could only be "a name on a card". So I send gifts to his toddlers with loving greetings from Grandma.

      So you see, there are many different situations. But no, I do not advise accepting abuse in any form. And I advise against sending gifts the way I do if they are a source of abuse.

      Your daughter sounds narcissistic. If so, their relationships with others may not be as respectful as you think. It's okay to be angry at yourself for accepting years of manipulative, abusive behavior. You need that anger not to let her in anymore. But you don't have to feel guilty for being loving despite abuse when your child grew up. If you allowed her to do that as a kid, then yes, you taught her that to deal with life. But you, as an adult, are not responsible for their decisions.

    • The writer

      lcjantzi Here in the East it is considered shameful for adult children to neglect/ignore their parents. When parents express this to friends (their own and their children's) or family, young adults feel offended by the parents. If I heard something really uncomfortable about parents, I would tell them, "If you're ashamed, don't do it." I have read that in the West it is parents, especially mothers, who are ashamed when they feel alienated or cut off from their adult children. Our cultures seem to be on opposite ends.

      They wrote: "In hindsight, I should have stood up to them strongly during that time and ignored the fear of risking the loss of my relationship with them." There are actually two sides of a coin. Being too tough could bring negative results as well. However, I realize that it can also end up always giving in and giving them everything (buying their love). That's why I wrote here much earlier that parenting is like kite flying ie how would parents know when to let go of the string/how much to let go and when to pull it back/how much to pull back. Kite flying is a highly skilled sport so it takes practice, but there is no such thing as perfection in parenting no matter how many kids you have.

      If your adult child sees fit to ignore his/her own mother/father, then don't. Don't ask for them. As soon as you stop yelling for them, they will come to you. Once you stop caring, they will worry. I remember up until the day they died I wanted my parents approval, so I guess it's the same for all kids.

    • purple lace

      lcjantzi I totally agree with you when you say, "They are the ones who have damaged the relationship, but they play to make us look unfair and unreasonably unloving". I, too, have walked on eggshells as long as I've known a word that would even seem like criticism would make him flee, and yet his father and I are the ones who are always wrong. About a year ago we were invited to my son and his girlfriend's house to see if we could make things right, but my son sat in the chair the whole time with his head down and let his girlfriend taunt him and shake our core values. She apparently spoke for my son when she said we thought Dad (yes, she calls us Mum and Dad) should have had a different type of surgery (he had bladder cancer) so it would be easier if we dated. (He takes longer in a washroom as he now needs to be catheterized)!!

      The friend was staying with my sister where she pretended to massage my sister's knee (she has arthritis) and later told everyone that she pressed the knee hard because she didn't think my sister was doing anything to her knee would not be okay! She said I did it to test her!! My son said nothing!

      I'm angry too, I'm determined that my son or his girlfriend will never disrespect me ever again. I have cut off all correspondence with him, if he wants to repair this relationship the ball is his. (By the way, my son is 50 years old) I'm at the point where I want to change my will to leave everything to charity and people who respect me. My husband wants us to wait, but he too thinks it's almost hopeless.

      My anger subsides and I move on living and enjoying it, I see no alternative. I am determined that they will not ruin my life.

      • lcjantzi

        Purple lace

        I needed your answer. It was so affirming to me when you used the words, "walking on eggshells." Oh phew, you got it! That's exactly how I've felt for almost 10 years.

        I was saddened that your son would allow his girlfriend to speak to his parents about such a serious matter and without empathy, but you have indicated that this is just one in a row. I wonder if your son's apparent attitude reflected his inner, quiet shame and/or turmoil. In any case, I'm sure you've been looking for him to comment. Even saying he agrees would at least let you know where you stand with him. What I mean is that I found it easier to deal with my middle daughter's open anger at me than when she let her older sister do all the communication.

        I, too, seriously considered changing my will, but felt I had to wait until my anger no longer influenced my decision. I'm almost there and I think time matters. It's been 2.5 years and I'll wait another six months and probably make the biggest changes. What makes it more difficult is that I would like to leave it to my grandchildren but have no way of getting their SS numbers.

        I enjoy my life too. I'm still hopeful and it won't rule my life either.

        Thanks again for your answer!

      • Lydia Alexandra

        violetlacelcjantzi I envy people like you who, as you say, carry on my life and enjoy it. It's probably because you have a partner while my partner had trouble keeping his zip up, was a gamer and cleaned us up. So I did 2 jobs to give my son a private education and I bought a house that I finally paid off when I was 60. Over the years I lost all contact with people/friends as I worked while my son was at school and worked while he slept with a paid childminder.

        I think that's why it hit me so hard and totally crushed me. I now have inflammation of the colon and major depression. I'm so dead inside it's like I'm sleepwalking. My son also left me completely when he met someone. What he has, I have given him all my inheritance, knowing that he is economical and wise with money. To be honest, I don't regret or blame it, but he completely erased me from his life. At 68 where do you go and start somewhere new as I have this incredible desire to pack up and go and live somewhere else, downsize and spend my money on myself, spoiling myself for what I do have done for others for over 22 years (and giving something like that to myself). Flexibility to see my son in all the things he did at school).

        The idea of ​​having a decent hairdresser and not a do-it-yourselfer (here in the UK I lost my pension in the recession and am now living off the state pension), have nice massages and reflexology, have nice trips with Saga (holidays for the over 50 and many are single) instead of living in that existence.

        When your son's girlfriend spoke for him, you didn't tell him that - and what do you think? Why was he so reluctant to speak for himself. It seems to me that that's why she bothered him, and because he didn't want her to leave him, he went alone with what she says. If he honestly thought what she was saying would be right, he wouldn't voice his opinion, after all it's his body, not hers.

        Your son behaves like my father, goes along with everything for the sake of peace, but if no one is to blame (in my case everything that went wrong in my mother's life was my fault) because you are passed on - he will not know what you hit him. After I left home, my mother totally devastated my father and he had a complete breakdown. He was vicar and was dismissed from the church.

        One of the things I learned years ago - although I didn't apply it to my son - is that we teach people how to treat us. I applaud your strength of character in how you handle things. I, too, wanted to change my will and leave it to whoever will take care of me in my final years. I can't see any change in where my son wants me to be a part of his life.

        Best wishes to you all. X

        • Leftnlonely

          I also don't have a partner and yes it's a lot harder and takes longer to recover and realize what actually happened to us and what we did. We knew best, and if we had known how to do it betterMorewe would have I didn't get the instructions from my son. And you. Stay here with us. They help me and it's great not to feel alone
        • Spirited lady

          Lydia Alexandravioletlacelcjantzi Lydia, why don't you follow your dreams? Just keep imagining where you would move and how you would live. Focus on that instead of your loss. Our feelings just happen, but then we can choose what to do with them, about them. You decide if you stayMoredepressed and sleepwalking, feeling sorry for yourself and focusing on all that you have sacrificed and how badly you have been treated, or planning a new life. At 75, 68 doesn't seem that old to me. Look at your options. I know you have health issues so take the time to educate yourself about care in old age. In the USA there are residential complexes for seniors. They have activities and are close to doctors. Is there such a thing in England?
          • Lydia Alexandra

            Spirited LadyLydia Alexandravioletlacelcjantzi Thank you, but I would hate to live in a place like this. My GP told me when I had my pre-op to live well into my 90's as I have no ailments other than arthritis. Colon inflammation is just new dueMoreemphasize. If I wanted to live in such a complex, it would be best for me to return to Australia, where the weather is very much in my favour. I don't think I'm ready for something like this, but thank you for your much appreciated contribution.
      • The writer

        Violet lace cjantzi Bravo dir Violet lace. Leave the ball in its court. Flip the table so it becomes his problem, not yours. If he does not see the need to rewrite the will. If they don't respect parents, they don't earn their hard-earned money. Better yet, enjoy your money while you can.MoreTravel, eat, whatever.
  • further

    leftnlonely - Can't you refuse to pay your loan installments on the car and repossess it? It's better to take some control of the situation than to let it control you.
    • Leftnlonely

      I have no choice but to pay for it. It's only on my behalf. Lesson learned well in the Gard way. It will be paid out in a year
      • Leftnlonely

        Yes, I spoke to the lender. And it's just that my name is on the loan I have to pay. The loan will never happen again. stupid mother Leftnlonely
      • Spirited lady

        Leftnlonely Apparently you paid with a loan that didn't use the car as collateral. That seems very strange. Yes, the lesson learned was yours. Have you spoken to the lender to see if there is a way to reduce payments?
    • Leftnlonely

      No, he sold the car almost a year ago, I asked him to pay the loan. He said the payment comes straight from my paychecks, which is what you're worried about. No, I'm not paying for it, I need things. I'm an idiot. As someone onceMoresaid don't sign loans for your kids, only donate what you can afford to lose because you won't get it back. Best advice ever
    • Spirited lady

      continue I agree. Talk to the lender and figure out how you can repossess the car and still protect your credit, probably by making a few payments that would be a lot less than making payments on the car while she's driving it.
      • Leftnlonely

        My son sold the car so it cannot be repossessed. Thete is not a car, only the credits remain. Oh, I only wish I hadn't had so much faith in my son's harsh lesson.
  • Leftnlonely

    My son was free to become what he saw for himself. He did a very good job, I'm very proud of the career choices he makes
  • Leftnlonely

    I forgot to mention that we have traveled a lot together for the past 8 years. I am 70 years old, he is 39. He also stopped speaking to all family members. He hasn't spoken to his father in 3 years. He and I are divorced but we remain friends and talk whenever necessary.MoreHe has 3 sisters that he doesn't speak to. I just had twins, he told me. Well she ruined her life, now I guess I'll have to pretend I care and come back to see her. WHAT. There is a problem here, please help.
  • Leftnlonely

    My adult son and I were very close, we traveled together, had great times. Alwats had common plans. He married a very nice woman. I understood that our relationship would change. You and I got along well. Then my son suddenly got very angry, he accused me of lying to him which I didn't, he said I was molesting him. Every time I texted him I was very gspoy for him. Then bam he changed his phone number, y

    She asked me to separate the pkan we had together because she wouldn't pay it and also refused to pay a bank loan I took out on my behalf for his wife's car. I haven't heard a word in 6 months, I'm just sick about this thing and I don't know what to do. I miss him very very much. What should I do, no means of communication except post. I'm in Pa, he's in Maui

    • Gena Gaddis


      Sometimes we'll never know why. This is so damn hard for me to accept. Your pain is shared by others. You are not alone. I have a grandchild that I can't see and I'm breaking into right now!

      • Leftnlonely

        Take matters into your own hands. Yes, the baby makes it harder. But that wasn't your choice, you have to make it and you will do it. We think too much. These are our biggest problems. Go out with friends, go to a mall and people watch. Try toMoreoccupy your mind. I know, easier said than done, I still have bad days and just sit there and cry and I don't want to, but sometimes it just happens
  • Spirited lady

    I read messages from mothers of 20 and 22 year old sons. In today's culture, they're still teenagers...really in their thirties. The judgment part of the brain does not develop until the 1930s. So their sons haven't figured out who they are, what they want, and what they wantMorehow they fit into society. It's a big challenge in today's culture with so many options but fewer real opportunities than we had. So give these youngsters some time. Don't judge them. Be open about who they are. You need time and space to figure everything out.
  • The real mother

    Wrong advice. This article assumes that all parents are nagging and pushy. The best thing in this case was that the son grew a pair and made it himself. But these days, where divorce damages parental bonds by rewarding the selfish parent, it's more often the kids these daysMorearmed and traumatized, connected to a manipulative, controlling, infantilizing parent. These unfortunate children gain great power from abusing any parent, grandparent, teacher, whoever is available. I don't think anyone can advise good rejected parents on how to successfully deal with the pain.
    • Leftnlonely

      But we must try to be there for each other, we will not solve each other's problems, but we are not alone in this either
    • Leftnlonely

      @The Real Mom what is the answer then. How can you make amends with this adult child or their children?
    • Deala1226

      @The Real Mom, I can only agree with you. My daughter broke up with her father (my ex) and now it's my turn. She chooses to remain angry and be a victim. My only concern is my 11 year old grandson, who is very close to both of us, and what impact this may haveMorehave on him. I hold the door open just for him. I have no interest in her due to her abusive behavior towards me, her son, her husband and so many others. I will say my prayers for her everyday but I have no hope as she sincerely needs psychological help and tools for her life but is totally unable to realize this. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder years ago and I hoped that by now, in her mid-30s, she would have believed that diagnosis and done something to help herself and others in her life. She decided against it because of her military career and the impact this diagnosis would have on her record. Really very sad. But I will always love her.
      • Spirited lady

        Deela1226 In my understanding, borderline personality disorder is untreatable. And it will not improve over time.
  • Brenda Alvarado885

    I have been estranged from my son for 3 years now. He was 17 at the time and was overly disrespectful and didn't want to follow rules. I wasn't a perfect mom because nobody is, but I've always been supportive and caring for my son.

    When I finally got fed up with his behavior I responded by telling him to follow my rules or leave my home, a decision I regret as he has not returned home he eventually went to my sister with whom I got estranged too, and she took him in. My plan was just for him to respect me as a parent.

    My son is now 20 and recently met him at a family friend's event where he was hired as a photographer. Our interaction was limited as he was working. I asked him for his number which he didn't give me. He gave her to his little brother, my younger son, whom he also abandoned. I've tried to schedule some time to talk, but he always calls me by my first name, not mom! I was so hurt! I told him I didn't like that term as I'm his mother and he refuses to call me mother and said I lost that privilege when I kicked him out.

    My heart is so broken, I'm depressed, I've missed work, I can't concentrate. I love my son but I feel like I just have to leave him alone because of his continued disrespect and hurtful behavior as it tears me up inside. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because I'm embarrassed. Every time I see my friends enjoying their time with their grown children, I start to envy them.

    I really just need to pull myself together if not for me but for the son who wants me in his life I hope I will continue to have a good relationship with him but I just want the pain to go away

    • Leftnlonely

      I have the same pain and it sucks. But I can not change it. I have no way of contacting him or even going to him. I want it to go away too. Time will help. Keeping busy also helps. i know like youMorefeeling
    • number five minus one

      Brenda Alvarado885

      Tut mir leid, Brenda. Sei nicht verlegen. Ich fühlte auch diese Frage nach meiner Identität als Elternteil.

      My boss and I are very friendly and have known each other for years. She is really a friendly person. When she asked me today how I was going to spend my vacation, I told her it would be low-key and confided in her about my daughter. She started to cry. Tears streamed down her face as she confided to me that almost exactly the same thing had happened to her with her son recently. The common denominator was that our adult children are on the road to wealth and power. I couldn't believe how cruel her son had been to her. We left our pain at the door when we went to work. I was amazed to find so many similarities to our situations.

      In the end, you're not the only parent experiencing this. Ultimately, I believe as open to forgiveness as we are, we need to ask ourselves what a continued relationship with our adult child entails. Do you accept that he calls you by your first name and do you consider it a privilege to have a relationship with him? Or are you expressing that you want a relationship with him, but it has to be based on common courtesy? We teach people how to treat us and they do the same. We just have to be nice to each other in our conversations and the time we spend together. . If not, the other party should start with "I'd like to talk to you, but you're not nice, please call me or see you again if you can be nice." We should expect them to say the same thing if we were cruel.

      And some days are a lot worse than others. This depression creeps in as it should. Why wouldn't you be heartbroken? you care I think the Heartless write self-help articles about how awesome it is to lose someone you love so you can "find your passion" and create a wonderful, fulfilling life for yourself. Such a cop IMHO. We are allowed to mourn because it is important to us.

      • The writer

        Number five minus one Brenda Alvarado 885 five minus one,

        you make it so clear It's crystal clear that these young adults are "on the road to wealth and power." They use their parents as stepping stones. How deceptive! Then they turn around and blame the parents one hundred and one. The real reason is to wash their hands from their parents, who were once their heroes but are now seen as a nuisance and a stumbling block to their success. I have heard it said that they make a sacrifice by cutting off their parents. I wonder who is the sacrificial lamb here. They don't want to share their success and wealth with the only people who will love them, be they a failure or a success.

        If they're still struggling and need your help, I bet they're pretending to be affectionate, at least kind, even though they're impatient with people who are slow and get in each other's way (and they're slow with computers , apart from a handful of computer-savvy old folks). They think old people are stupid, as if they will never grow old and as if the computer is god.

        • relic

          The scribe number five minus one Brenda Alvarado 885

          What wealth and power? I live alone and it's harder than ever. It would have been beneficial for both of us if we could have supported each other, but I told her I wouldn't put up with her bullying me, treating me like a servant and taking things out on me as an adult like I do have done child. Fuck it all. i stay broke I'd rather live by numbers than live like that ever again. I'd rather work two jobs. I'd rather be homeless.

          By wealth and power, did you mean that these resourceful adults found jobs and marriages that allowed them to escape the abusive adults they were no longer forced to depend on? Was that the day they said to themselves: You know, despite what Mom and Dad said/did to me, I actually AM intelligent and lovely and can walk my own path?

          Because if that brings wealth and power, I missed the memo. Someone forgot to send me the step-by-step instructions.

          • The writer

            RelicaThe ScribenummerfünfminuseinsBrenda Alvarado 885

            Right! You missed it LOL.

  • RaeWright

    I love how this article targets the parents (pure sarcasm), but what happens when the adult child has tried over and over again to have the relationship that was never there, to no avail?

    My mother has told me since I was born that I was the result of a failed abortion attempt, she hated me and so on. She beat me badly as a child. At the age of 18 she put a butcher knife to my throat and told the NJ State Police that she was going to kill me. They had to escort me out of the house. My father, in turn, told me that I was dead to the whole family because I didn't move to Tennessee with them and accept the life they wanted for me. It took him 6 years to find me and contact me. Since (1994) it's been a vicious abusive relationship. I kept trying to be the "good" daughter, only to keep getting fired. Last time I was told I was dead to my mother and then when I tried again she said I was confused and my mother died at the age of 93 (my grandmother). Then just yesterday she posted on Facebook how I had become estranged from her. I post their birthdays on Facebook, email them and even try to call them. I even planned to move to where my mother lives to help her when she needed it.

    She posts on Facebook how I allegedly abused her, but I texted her how much I want a loving relationship with her as her daughter. I even thanked her for the birth. NO abuse. There has never been abuse on my part. My heart is broken at this time.

    How does the adult child take it? What do we do when we only want to be loved by those who are supposed to raise us, nurture us, and give us unconditional love?

    • healing heart

      I am so sorry to hear about your horrific ordeal. Doesn't sound like parents who deserve your big heart. I think most parents on this site are trying to reach out to their adult children who cut or find them because of minor issues or just no reasonMoreregardless of their parents' relationship, worries from afar. Nobody is overly needy, only the occasional appreciation. Many of these parents sacrificed and provided a non-violent atmosphere for their children and did their best...for instances of what you have described as your upbringing, your involvement would be understandable. May you find peace in knowing that you are the better person in truth and living well no longer in this world of your childhood. As a kid you didn't have a choice with the chaos, now you have and you can be truly happy.
    • Leftnlonely

      I am so sorry. I have no other words. And sorry isn't enough
    • tc tip

      RaeWright Having survived both situations, I thank you as a mother for having such a good heart.

      Your mother, like mine, may have been mentally ill long before we put labels on such things.

      My mother was and is pure evil and I never really got to see it. What would I know as her child? We look up to our parents for all the best in the world and never dream that they wouldn't or couldn't deliver. My father was just as bad as her. They were both selfish and egocentric - narcissistic is friendly. Mirrors would have run away for fear of being told they were flawed!

      My mother fell ill with dementia and now lives in her self-made hell. A long time ago, my dad caught a bad case of deadbeat and hasn't made a worthy fatherhood effort since. Whenever I was told all these negative things, verbally abused, or slapped with belts, I immediately went into my defensive mode: “She really loves me.

      She has goodness in her, she loves me and so on and so forth. I felt more like the kid in the litter than the youngest kid.

      "I stopped telling myself those lies of love when I felt safe about being myself and found that being me was okay, flaws and all. Then I said to myself, she's the sick one.

      It turned out that I was right ... .

      So fast forward I had two kids who I love forever. My daughter has issues with me and I'm sure I deserved her as an adult in the room. Now we're both grown up. I know we will communicate in the future. That is good for me. I learn patience for good reasons, no longer bad ones.

      For now, she's living her good life, not "Fight the good fight!" She's seen and heard enough of that as my mother and I fought before her, all words but weapons of destruction nonetheless.

      My mother put the “human” excuse behind her a long, long time ago. I just feel sorry for my father.

      I thank this website for my sanity and my new path in life.

      Please don't let broken people break you.

      Facebook is not your friend. ignore it Clear your mind so your mom won't get free rent anymore.

      When my mom started disconnecting, she said mean, hurtful things to everyone. They weren't spoken because of disruptions in their brains, they were spoken because all the censorship filters had worn out. She really meant what she said, except she didn't care who heard what she had to say. She is mean to everyone, accuses everyone of the worst things, is extremely difficult to take and no one wants her negativity to touch their lives.

      We can only live our own lives as best we can. That's all we have to be accountable for. I hope you know it's not your fault. Give yourself the hugs you so richly deserve. Allow others to be a positive part of your life. It helped me realize that there are so many good people in the world and, oh, now I'm one of them. And so are you! Thank you for being here!

    • The writer

      RaeWright Rae, it's time to move on and leave her alone. If I live in the US, I could "adopt" you, LOL, but I live on the other side of the world. It is now Wednesday 24 August 2016 9:50 am while your time on Tuesday 23 August 2016 is 9:50 pm.

      Their pain is REAL, but give them time to come to their senses. Parents do not know what is eating their children and vice versa because there is no real communication. No one wants to talk about the real reasons they are behaving this way because they are afraid it will sound petty, and in most cases the reasons are petty. That is why the world is at war. People cannot shed their pettiness.

    • Spirited lady

      RaeWright Rae, your life story is very sad. Unfortunately, this type of treatment happens to many children. You're not alone. Unfortunately, your parents are incapable of loving. And their behavior does not even correspond to the usual decency. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. You are a child of GodMoreand God loves you. Please allow yourself to mourn the childhood you never had and move on with your life. You must forget the possibility of a loving relationship with your parents. It's okay to cry your eyes out. It is sad. But you have to live the reality of who they are. You need to talk to the little girl in you and tell her you're sorry for how she was treated. Tell her that you are grown now and you will take care of her. Look for friendly and happy people and spend your time with them. I love the saying, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." You can give that to yourself. Be your own best friend. Your parents are not worth a second thought. There are other hurting people all around you who would like to have the warmth and caring that you focus on your parents. Look for people who are appreciative. God will open doors and bless you.
    • Lydia Alexandra

      RaeWright Stop torturing yourself, when things are the way they are they will never get better. My mother kept telling me throughout my childhood how she wished I had never been born. She hit me, spat on me, and pulled my hair so many times that I had spots. My father then hit on me for upsetting my mother. I came home from school 20 minutes late because I missed my tram after having to stay behind with others to put away the sports equipment - when she got home she grabbed me and brutally beat me and called me a Prostitute, I had enough and that evening I took all my father's heart pills and ended up on the cardiograph. When I recovered I got a belt for upsetting my mother. It was my mother who took me there. My father wanted peace at home at all costs, so mother was always right. When I left at 19, she turned on him, divorced him, and the church fired him. He died a broken man.

      A kind friend who is a historian and retired Oxford History Professor offered to find out where my family is from and where they are from. He was surprised when I said - and meant it - I don't care at all. They'll both be passed on and you'd think that would be the end. I try hard to push childhood memories out of my head, but they come back in my dreams. Your photo shows a young face, so don't waste your years being loved, learn to love yourself and me, your own best friend.

      When home life is so toxic, you constantly need to untie and leave. They will totally destroy you. I became a mother and gave everything of myself to my son, never hit him or abused him. He had a first class private education from 2 to varsity. I gave too much of myself because I received so little as a child. The result is that when my son has met someone, he has now completely left me and never calls. I'm now trying to crawl out of the dark lonely existence and at 68 it's not easy as I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with what is a tremendous loss to me. But don't stay where you are, it's not getting better, so don't expect miracles. You have to go out there and make your own life the best it can be.

      I wish you warmth and love, Lydia

    • number five minus one


      sorry rae This article and most of the posts are intended for parents. But that's IMHO about being cheated, whether it's the parent or the child being cheated. They describe a horrific childhood and continued abuse to you as an adult. my heart aches for you You didn't deserve this, you didn't deserve this. I want to reach out and hug you. So many of us, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, who just don't understand why we aren't good enough to be loved. Of course we all are, but when family treats you like you're not, it only leaves us so hurt and empty. My mother was very similar to your mother. I've posted how I think the family cycle of abuse continues. A child is brought up abused. This child tries to raise his/her children with everything extra to make them feel loved. This child becomes selfish and narcissistic and raises their children in a cold and abusive manner. The cycle is then repeated over and over again, each generation almost guaranteeing alienation for the next generation.

      Please don't be put off by the parent-focused article. We as mothers and fathers can give you support. We want you to be happy. We wish we had raised our children as kind and loving as you seem. Wishing you happiness and love, we are deeply upset that you are not receiving it. Come to my house, RaeWright, and I will wipe away your tears, run you a bath, and light candles in the bedroom where you will sleep. I will have candles lit and I hope you are enjoying the high speed internet while texting your friends and keeping up with the latest shows. I'll prepare your favorite food for you and smile from ear to ear if you like it. If you tell me you're going out with your friends, I'll ask if you need my credit card. I am so happy that you are here with me and share your life with me. I as a parent am just like you as a grown child. I just want to be seen and loved. We are soul mates. I wish you the best.

      • The writer

        numberfiveminusoneRaeWright I am touched by your kind reply to Rae.

        I particularly like this "...IMHO alienation is about being cheated on, whether it's parents or children being cheated on." In fact, it IS treason of the worst kind.

        You may not have done it yet, but threats are just as bad. Children used to be afraid of being chased away by strict parents. Today's young adults bully their parents by threatening to cut them off. They've found a weapon to keep their parents "in check," which really means they know such threats put them in control of their parents.

        • Spirited lady

          The ScribenumberfiveminusoneRaeWright What is IMHO?
          • The writer

            Spirited LadyThe writer's number five minus oneRaeWright LOL means "in my honest opinion". Today, many SMS users on HP use many short forms that sometimes only the typist knows. You can google to find out what such short forms and internet slang words mean. There's the urban dictionary to explain thatMoremodern meanings of many words carrying new meanings and "new" words coined by today's intelligent young people who think they are so smart e.g. B. Skinship LOL. Such a word does not exist in the English language, but it means intimacy. There are many, many newly coined words that look funny. Take a look at the city dictionary.
          • Spirited lady

            The ScribeSpirited LadynumberfiveminusoneRaeWright I wanted to make sure I didn't miss any important information because I don't believe it is a betrayal for an adult child to cut off contact with a parent. A betrayal is doing something morally wrong—exposing someone to an enemy or breaking a contract. in theMoreThere is no contract in Western culture that says adult children are to care for their parents. In fact, we have retirement benefits, Social Security, health care, and many other benefits precisely because we recognize that many adult children lack the resources and others lack the willingness to care for aging parents. Abandonment yes, but treachery no. Young people have many reasons for separating from their parents. In some cases it is a wise decision. In others, it is a concession to a spouse. In still others, the adult child has become involved with drugs and has lost all sense of direction. And there are probably more variations. The bottom line is that they have the right to make decisions about their own lives. It's up to us to judge as best we can if and how we can reach them. And at what point do we have to pull back and just wait for them to reconsider their decisions. Most of them actually visit their parents at some point. What we have control over is what they find when that happens.
  • purple lace

    For my part, I would love to have you as a daughter. My son does not speak to me, does not answer letters, does not send me birthday cards or calls me. As far as I know I have

    done nothing to deserve this.

    I am so sorry for your situation. I'm puzzled by your parents' attitude. What happens between you and your sister is really your business. I can't understand your sister either

    for telling your parents about what's going on between you and her. That seems childish. I wonder if she's jealous of you for some reason?

    If only families that are in conflict would get together and communicate and try to work something out, but most don't want to.

    I feel your pain Ginger, all any of us can hope for is that one day our loved ones will join us and things can be worked out. In the meantime, however, we should move on with our lives and try not to let this chasm in our relationships control our minds.

    I wish you all the best.

    • GingerMayor

      Violetlace, thank you for saying you want me to be your daughter. I agree with your last comment about moving on with our lives and not letting this rift control our minds. I think at some point we just have to let it be and focus on what we have in our lives that makes us happy. I assume your comment about my sister's jealousy is correct as I cannot find any other explanation for her continued behavior. As for my parents, I don't think I'll ever understand their perspective.

      A ray of sunshine came into my life 4 years ago when a longtime friend of my mother's took me aside and told me she thinks I've been "overlooked" and that she supports me and that I'm not alone. She has accompanied the family for 30 years and knows the personalities. She then calls me once or twice a year just to chat and continues to be a bright light in my life.

      I also agree with you that families in conflict situations do not seem to want to find a solution. I am so impressed with the parents on this site because they feel they are looking for answers and open to solutions.

    • The writer

      Violet Lace Dear Violet Lace,

      You don't have to feel guilty. You don't have to blame yourself. Your son doesn't want to share his life with you for reasons only he knows best. He wants to live in isolation. Read what *fünfminusone* wrote to me here and you will understand why some young adults behave the way they do. She explained it very clearly and used Erik Erikson's theory about young adults to illustrate her arguments. This behavior has become a cancer among young adults today, even in traditional cultures like mine, especially among us overseas Chinese. In mainland China and Chinese Taiwan, the situation has not yet become a scourge compared to what we overseas Chinese are experiencing.

      Watch some Chinese and Taiwanese made romance drama or comedy online (there's plenty on YouTube f.o.c.) to see how much Mainland and Taiwanese people value family and their elders (even those unfamiliar with the family). family or blood related). ... In most cases they will not be unkind to the elders. The art reflects real life, so I won't say such an attitude is excessive in modern China/Taiwan). You will enjoy such dramas that attach great importance to family, elders in a family and the relationship between children and parents. The children may leave upset because many parents try to exercise complete control over their lives, but eventually parents and children will come to a compromise. Parents will realize that they can't dictate anything to their children (and in many cases organize their lives for them, even to the point of trying to force them to marry partners of their choice), or they will lose them and the children will learn that they must show their parents what we call filial piety. Parents are very fortunate when their children are childlike - care for them, take care of them, show them kindness, care for them when they are sick, give them some money even if they are multi-millionaires and above all they share their lives with their parents. Wishing you all the best.

      • The writer

        I forgot to add that many of these serial dramas (in episodic form but some are full length movies) have subtitles in English and many other languages ​​in case you don't understand Mandarin Chinese. I understand that many Americans don't like subtitles (that's why we see Jacky Chan speaking his Hong KongMoreEnglish in his Rush Hour movies) as it's difficult to read and look at the screen at the same time, but we have to be practical. If you don't read you won't fully appreciate the show. I'm used to subtitles because my country subtitles every American/English, Chinese, Indian broadcast in Malay (only when Malay is spoken there are no subtitles), and even if I understand the spoken language, I've already formed the habit, read the subtitles.
  • GingerMayor

    I console myself with the posts on this site, but my heart breaks. It seems that most of the posts are from parents, but I am a grown daughter with a distant relationship with my parents. I want to cut them off completely so I can put an end to the commotion, but I won't. The turmoil has increased since I turned 30 and am now in my mid 40s. The riot usually starts with my older sister stirring the pot, and our parents (in their 70s) always jump in. My sister and I are different people with different opinions. This gives us conflicts - but nothing really bad. She constantly informs our parents about all the details of every conflict or disagreement. Within days they call me and tell me how wrong I am behaving them. It's the little things, like my sister's kids not going to a concert or a soccer game. They think I'm not involved enough in my sister's life or that I don't really love her. I only get negativity and judgments from them. I have asked my parents to stay out of conflicts that my sister is trying to drag them into, but after a quick settlement they jump in again the next time my sister calls them. I've asked my sister to keep our parents out of our disagreements because it's hurtful, but she just replied, "No, it wasn't b ad and I'm not changing." I told her this is leaving our relationship on a bad note place back.

    I think my parents developed a negative attitude towards me because of years of negative conversations I had with my sister. A few years ago my father said I treated him and my mother very well, but he felt I should be more considerate of my sister. He went on to say he doesn't care if I never talk to him again as long as I'm on good terms with my sister. I thought he was exaggerating at the time, but I think he was honest now. He stopped calling me about a year ago. He only phones me when my mother calls, which doesn't happen that often. My dad used to call me on my birthday but he stopped doing it about 5 years ago.

    I always celebrate Mother's Day, Father's Day and their birthday with them. I was lucky to have a good job so I never asked for money and they never gave me anything. If a week goes by that I haven't spoken to my parents, I usually call them just to say hello. In June, my mother visited a friend who lives out of state. Knowing that my father was alone, I went to his house one evening and invited him to dinner. When I was at their house, I noticed that the Father's Day card I had sent him was still on a coffee table. My sister doesn't send cards so my card was the only one. I found it sad that he was so supportive of my sister who couldn't find time to get a card in the mail.

    I can't help but wonder if any parents on this site would be happy to have a daughter who celebrates her birthdays, sends cards, visits when she's alone, and still calls her? My parents' biggest complaint is that I don't spend enough time with my sister. They don't seem to care about me and I wonder why I'm even trying to have a relationship with them.

    • number five minus one


      You sound like a wonderful daughter and I'm sure many parents on this site would be so fortunate to have the time, attention, love and dedication that you show your parents. I hope there are other people in your life who appreciate your kindness. If not, please take time to take care of yourself and give yourself some of the kindness and support you give to others.

      • GingerMayor

        numberfiveminusoneGingerMaynor Thank you for your reply. It lets me know I'm not invisible. I don't get affirmative answers from my parents about most things I do. I know I never will. When my mind starts to go down the bad path that my parents' criticism leads me to, that's when I startMoreneed to be conscious to refocus on happier relationships. I am grateful for my wonderful husband of 15 years and a childhood friend who do not give me the acceptance of my parents. I don't have many others and this world isn't perfect. I like your comment about giving myself kindness and support and I try to do a little bit of that every day. I hope you do the same for yourself. You seem to be a great mom - I can tell from your replies posted elsewhere on this site. I wish there was a place where we could all meet in person as a support group and share a warm cup of coffee and some chocolate!
        • Spirited lady

          GingerMaynornumberfiveminusone It sounds like you're doing just fine with your life. Pat yourself on the back for getting through it all... and that goes for all those who, despite unhappy childhoods, have built a positive life for themselves. It takes work, but it's worth it. I agree with thatMoreI would be happy if everyone would meet. I will carry this vision in my head. I drink tea and eat a scone with it.
  • The writer

    I've noticed a funny thing about young adults who have decided to separate their elderly parents. After some time of non-communication, out of the blue they decide to visit, as if nothing happened. Maybe her conscience had eaten her. Maybe they wanted to see what they lost LOL. I never asked these young adults. They must have their own reasons for visiting.

    They then expect the estranged parents to welcome them as if they were the prodigal son or daughter. If the parents didn't do this (perhaps they still felt hurt, so at best they could act civilly but kindly), they would later be criticized for mistreating their prodigal son or daughter. I have heard criticism of how their parents think they have a hard time with old people's love etc. What do these young adults expect from their aged parents after they have neglected and ignored them for months and some even years? How do you begin to understand them? Could a kind soul please explain such behavior? TQVM

    • Leftnlonely

      Please explain that to me too @leftnlonley
      • The writer

        Leftnlonely " Hallo Leftnlonely,

        Below I copy the very clear answer from number five minus one, which is self-explanatory. If you need further explanation, please contact me again. I've highlighted everything I think you should take a close look at.

        Here goes :-

        "Write, you asked a question, so I'll try to answer what I think is true. During young adulthood, psychologist Erik Erikson referred to this phase as intimacy vs. isolation. From their 20's to late 30's some of our adult children will try to establish intimate relationships such as marriage. You are willing to isolate yourself at this stage. That is, if they feel that their closeness or conflict with a parent might get in the way of building that intimate relationship, they are willing to distance themselves. Even estranging themselves from their parents. I think it goes one step further. If you raised a narcissist, that narcissist may want to portray themselves in a way that isn't entirely true. Having a family around them that may differ from the narrative they created can be threatening. It seems that many of us have been too close (and perhaps aware of their weaknesses) to our adult children, and they might be perceive as a threat as they need to develop their own identity and family urse extreme when the need to cut off parents or other family members arises. This can be due to selfishness or insecurity. If you're a narcissist, you've adopted a character that you want to portray. If they are insecure, they may try to be who they want to be.

        As some young adults navigate this stage, they may develop maturity and attempt to "fix" a relationship. As you have already mentioned, the relationship with the parents could have been very damaged. The young adult may be confused and take no blame for coming back expecting the relationship to be the way he left it. The parent most likely lost trust after the alienation and is unwilling to trust again. Parents can also reflect that when they put their adult child's needs ahead of their own and stop trusting them, their life without the adult child is less complicated and more rewarding. They may find it good to know that volunteering is rewarding and more generous in caring for themselves and/or their spouse. For example, I am still extremely hurt and have only been in the estrangement for about a month. But I have an extra 1,000 in my bank account (since I no longer pay for many of my daughter's expenses) and a lot more free time since I'm not cleaning her house, doing her laundry, or listening to her many thoughts. I now have time to volunteer, eat out, make new friends, and travel to places I've always wanted to visit. I learn about myself away from my daughter. My husband and I experience a new level of intimacy because only "we" understand how much this hurts and we go through this pain together. As partners, we have become a stronger unit than "mother and father".

        It's also a time to think about other things that are wrong in the relationship with your adult child that you may not have seen when you were too close. For example, my daughter was always happy to point out that everyone loves her more than me. This even affected the dogs. She would ask that we take them to another room and then have someone open the door to see who they got to first. She always wanted to be the first. Or that my grandchild (her niece) would love her more because she was "young" and more related to her than I do. I didn't realize how humiliating this was for me until we became estranged.

        I don't believe for a minute that my grown child owes me anything for the sacrifices her father and I made for her. She didn't ask me to bear her or ask me to be a good parent to her. It was my pleasure from the first moment I saw her. But now I demand respect, honesty and kindness from anyone who wants to have a close relationship with me. Unfortunately, she hasn't engaged in that type of behavior, so I won't be ready to visit anytime soon."

        From the above explanation, it seems that today's young adults are mired in self-conflict. It used to be so easy to be a young adult when we were young because we didn't have a choice. When your in-laws or your spouse's siblings annoy you/irritate/prompt you, you just have to put up with things. It never occurred to us to cut off a despicable or mean relative.

        • healing heart

          I love this so positive and forward-thinking approach. Especially the last sentence, generation x just lost family values ​​and distance is their only solution. But taking care of ourselves, increasing closeness and intimacy with spouse, having more money in the bank....just living our own lives is so trueMoreand worthwhile vs. being ready to sacrifice on demand!
          • Leftnlonely

            This is very well put and 100% right on the money. Leftnlonely.
    • NL mother

      The writer

      They appear out of the blue like nothing happened because they can't face what they've done. It takes a very big person to admit they're wrong. Or they hope that what was driving them has changed and they tentatively attempt to reconnect without addressing the issue.

      The parents who are/were estranged would be shocked at any attempt to communicate and any attempt to avoid anything that would drive the child away again. Tiptoeing on eggshells, I imagine. I can't imagine how I would react if my son approached me...I hope I could sound positive but not overdone, but in reality I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. He hurt me and I won't put myself in a situation where I dwell on him all the time and cry all the time. It's been a long time coming back to being myself and there is a semblance of happiness in my life. I can't give him the ability to hurt me anymore.

    • number five minus one

      The writer

      Write, you asked a question, so I'll try to answer what I think is true. During young adulthood, psychologist Erik Erikson referred to this phase as intimacy vs. isolation. From their 20s through their late 30s, some of our adult children will seek intimate relationships such as marriage. You are willing to isolate yourself at this stage. That is, if they feel that their closeness or conflict with a parent might get in the way of building that intimate relationship, they are willing to distance themselves. They even become estranged from their parents. I think it goes one step further. If you raised a narcissist, that narcissist may want to portray themselves in a way that isn't entirely true. Having a family around that may differ from the narrative they created can threaten them. It seems that many of us have been too close to our adult children (and may know their weaknesses) and they may perceive this as a threat as they need to develop their own identities and families. Of course, this is extreme when there is a need to cut off the parents or other family members. This can be due to selfishness or insecurity. If you're a narcissist, you've adopted a character that you want to portray. If they are insecure, they may try to be who they want to be.

      As some young adults navigate this stage, they may develop maturity and attempt to "fix" a relationship. As you have already mentioned, the relationship with the parents could have been very damaged. The young adult may be confused and take no blame for coming back expecting the relationship to be the way he left it. The parent most likely lost trust after the alienation and is unwilling to trust again. Parents can also reflect that when they put their adult child's needs ahead of their own and stop trusting them, their life without the adult child is less complicated and more rewarding. They may find it good to know that volunteering is rewarding and more generous in caring for themselves and/or their spouse. For example, I am still extremely hurt and have only been in the estrangement for about a month. But I have an extra 1,000 in my bank account (since I no longer pay for many of my daughter's expenses) and a lot more free time since I'm not cleaning her house, doing her laundry, or listening to her many thoughts. I now have time to volunteer, eat out, make new friends, and travel to places I've always wanted to visit. I learn about myself away from my daughter. My husband and I experience a new level of intimacy because only "we" understand how much this hurts and we go through this pain together. As partners, we have become a stronger unit than "mother and father".

      It's also a time to think about other things that are wrong in the relationship with your adult child that you may not have seen when you were too close. For example, my daughter was always happy to point out that everyone loves her more than me. This even affected the dogs. She would ask that we take them to another room and then have someone open the door to see who they got to first. She always wanted to be the first. Or that my grandchild (her niece) would love her more because she was "young" and more related to her than I do. I didn't realize how humiliating this was for me until we became estranged.

      I don't believe for a minute that my grown child owes me anything for the sacrifices her father and I made for her. She didn't ask me to bear her or ask me to be a good parent to her. It was my pleasure from the first moment I saw her. But now I demand respect, honesty and kindness from anyone who wants to have a close relationship with me. Unfortunately, she hasn't engaged in this type of behavior, so I won't be ready to visit anytime soon.

      • The writer

        numberfiveminusoneThe Scribe Thank you for taking the time and effort to explain it to me so clearly. I read Erik Erikson, the American psychologist, but couldn't remember what he said about young adulthood. In the old days you married a whole family and there was no opportunity to openly show intimacy, but not today. I speak as an Oriental/Easterner but today our boys are becoming very western and showing affection in the presence of their elders. The influence of the internet has been particularly strong in the last 2 decades, even more so than television. Today we hear young people all over cyberspace simply spelling out/writing the four letter word. We don't swear that way, so times have actually changed very drastically for us here and we need to reassess our values ​​in order to survive our youth.

        I think as a parent you should "know" how to find a happy balance. There is a saying that raising a child is like flying a kite. How much of the cord should you release and when should you pull it back. If you let go too much you could lose the kite. Likewise, if you hold it too tightly, the cord could snap and you'll still lose it. So, flying a kite is a skill that we learn over time. This parent-child dichotomy has never been more apparent than it is today in the East. What began ten years ago in the West is slowly but surely becoming a “disease” here today.

        I agree with your last paragraph when you wrote "I demand respect, honesty and kindness towards anyone who wishes to have a close relationship with me". This has always been the case with the people of the East because we have always believed in filial reverence and treating our elders that way. Today, however, the social landscape has changed so much that it is unrecognizable. It's sad but looking west is the trend and wholeheartedly embraced as it is perceived as "progress" LOL. Whatever I think, parents and elders should demand nothing less than "respect, honesty, and kindness to anyone who wishes to have a close relationship with them." Bravo!!! Young people should also reconsider their values. Even if they owe nothing to the world, they should behave with respect to parents and elders. TQVM.

        • Spirited lady

          The Scribe Number Five Minusone I love the dragon analogy. That is exactly right. And nobody does it perfectly. It takes time and practice. Yes, relationships change, but applying Western behaviors to Eastern culture is devastating. We have Social Security and Medicare, so we're not dependent on the younger generation. in theMoreThe parents of the early years are still working and often have much more money than the young people. Our children can walk away knowing that we have the resources to live well and a satisfying lifestyle. I know my son is struggling to establish what we already have and it's more difficult for his generation because there aren't the same retirement plans and job security now that our generation had. I think it's different in the east. We volunteered in China for 5 weeks in 2008 and I could see many differences in our cultures and also how the traditional culture was breaking down. In particular, it wasn't the children who helped out on the farms. And no benefits for the elderly. There is also little medical care available. This is a very difficult situation.
          • The writer

            Spirited LadyThe Scribenumberfiveminusone Indeed it is a very difficult situation in China (I have only been there twice for a total of 25 days, only in 1992 and 2008, so you would know better since you have lived there 5 years) now because they one had child politics for decades. Looks like they're relaxing the rules a bit. Farming families secretly had more than one child anyway, because sons are needed for work on the farms. Nowadays, young adults are leaving their rural homes for the city, leaving the elderly, despite having two or more children, eventually to fend for themselves. It seems that the Chinese government has enacted legislation that not only does a child have to visit their parents a certain number of times a year, but they also have to support the parents financially.

            In Singapore, if a parent reports a child for neglect, the law can force the child to do so. Force is not good. I am Han Chinese but I live in one of the Southeast Asian countries. Free, good quality medical care isn't a problem here, but if you don't have a pension or assets from the business then old age could pose a major challenge as many young adults struggle to build a life for themselves. They find it difficult to support their parents financially. Both spouses could be high income graduates but times are very challenging with rampant government corruption and other types of public sector mismanagement. Even parents who are financially independent are somehow neglected by their busy, struggling children.

            What you wrote about applying western behaviors/attitudes to eastern culture is so true. It's not just devastating. It is very damaging to the whole social fabric of our society, but the youth fail to see the havoc and destruction that an alien culture will wreak on the long-held traditions and practices of the East. We could only watch helplessly as our boys warmly embraced all that was western, through Asia to Mongolia. It is only now that we are experiencing parent-child alienation/shunning and whatnot that the Y-Gen dared to think of. The only country on earth that is not badly affected today might be Bhutan at the foot of the Himalayas. It is the only country on earth that uses happiness rather than wealth as a barometer to measure the nation's health.

          • Lydia Alexandra

            The ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone How incredibly interested that from many cultures we share our situations and circumstances. I find the information about China etc. incredibly interesting. I love your last sentence. Bhutan on the palate of the Himalayas is the only country on earth that uses happiness and not wealth as suchMorea barometer to measure the health of the nation. Great. hello and thank you
          • The writer

            Lydia AlexandraThe ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone Dear Madam,

            Thank you for your nice words. Although I am Han Chinese and have spoken to Spirited Lady about China, I live outside of China. I am what you call overseas Chinese. I am not a citizen of China.

            Only our cultures are different, but we all share the same feelings and concerns. It is good that we can gather here and peacefully discuss an issue that is a thorn in the side of today's elderly.

            If I have the opportunity and the money, Bhutan would be a country I would like to see. The country controls the annual number of tourists to protect the environment. The government has already introduced a daily tax for tourists. It's expensive as the levy is in USD. For example, imagine you are from Taiwan, where USD 1 is about NT$ 30. If the levy is USD 100 per day, a Taiwanese would have to pay the equivalent of NT$ 3,000. You must be a rich Taiwanese to visit Bhutan for a week. Bhutan's young king is American educated and a benevolent king. He is very concerned for the happiness of his people. When a country is well run with minimal corruption, it is easy for citizens to be happy. Buddhism is the official religion and you can be imprisoned for preaching/trying to convert a Bhutanese to another religion

          • The writer

            Spirited LadyNumber fiveminusone Sorry, dear lady. I misread. You were in China for 5 weeks, not 5 years. But during these 5 weeks you lived among the people, so to speak. The situation across Asia is deteriorating in terms of parent-child relationships. With the current world economic scenario andMoreWidespread corruption in Asian and African countries makes it difficult for young people to take care of their elders, even when they are children.
          • Spirited lady

            The ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone Yes, we lived in a beautiful country village and taught English orally to middle school English teachers. We had a wonderful time with these young teachers. They were mostly women, so they took care of their families and came to class with us. A handful invited usMoreto their home or, in some cases, their parents' home for refreshments or a meal. They were very hospitable and generous to us...nice people. One took us to her family farm to meet her 92 year old grandmother. She said she wanted her grandmother to know she had lived long enough to meet a foreigner. In another case, the teacher lived in another village and stayed with her parents during the week so that she could attend our classes. Some of the others were visited by their parents. So we saw close family ties. For the harvest, the villagers went to the farms to help. But it's all a challenge. On the other hand, traditional ways also had challenges. We must not forget that sometimes parents were abusive and children had no choice. There are no perfect solutions. All cultures can be abused. According to studies, countries with low levels of corruption and high social benefits create the greatest sense of happiness and security. These are Belgium, Denmark, Norway, Sweden. But as a Christian, I hold to the idea that God is present in all of our challenges, caring for us and slowly moving us toward greater justice and peace. The Buddhist idea of ​​peace through detachment seems to offer a similar comfort. I think it's about thinking long term and staying hopeful, always looking forward to a better tomorrow but living today in a way that is kind and generous to both ourselves and others.
          • The writer

            Spirited LadyThe Scribenumberfiveminusone The Chinese in China learn their English from the Americans. You learned well and quickly. When I first went there in 1992, very few Chinese could speak English, but when I went back in 2008, I was able to communicate with many young Chinese in English. I learned mine from the Irish. I can't spell without the "u" - words like behavior, taste, port, neighbor LOL when I see words that don't have a "u" it annoys me. It's my British English heritage. I feel uncomfortable listening to the Chinese version of Mandarin Chinese. Almost all young Chinese cannot speak Chinese dialects. The Mandarin Chinese spoken by all Chinese, even the very, very old, is not a Chinese language, while the Chinese dialects are Chinese languages. Mandarin belonged to the Manchus who colonized China from 1644-1911.

            You may have been the first white person the 92-year-old, who lives in a village in China, has ever seen LOL. If you were blonde with blue eyes and went to China or India 300 years ago, they might think you are a goddess (you may have read Rudyard Kipling's book The Man Who Would Be King).

            Yes, traditions can be abusive. Man can be a slave to tradition if he blindly adheres to tradition, as not every practice is good or beneficial. My paternal grandfather grew up in China but immigrated to British Malaya when he was about 20 years old. He verbally abused his wife, daughters, granddaughters (his sons' children) and even his daughters-in-law. He had no relationship with his daughters' children and sons-in-law as they were considered "outside" the family. Sons and sons' children and daughters-in-law were considered "within" the family. It is still practiced by the Chinese today, even by overseas Chinese, but girls are now getting higher education and are better off. Traditionally, women have often been abused. Confucius taught about filial piety, but he also had a distorted attitude towards the female gender, such that whenever Confucianism was popular with the ruling emperor, women had a hard time and legalism (hard rule of law) was practiced.

            A true episode shows very clearly my paternal grandfather's distorted attitude towards women. When my father was a child, his paternal grandmother from China visited my grandfather in what was then British Malaya. A circus came to town. The roads from one town to the next weren't paved in the 1930s, so they were just dirt roads. Transportation was mostly on foot or by bicycle. The circus troupe led the animals through the village to get to the next town. My paternal great-grandmother had never seen an elephant or a tiger in her life, although China has such animals. She was so scared that she caught a fever. Instead of being sympathetic, my grandfather scolded his elderly mother for being stupid. He was even "abusive" towards his own mother. The only way we can overcome this kind of abuse is through Western education. On the other hand, it is Western education that has devastated traditional life in the East today. We face a dilemma LOL. I had never felt any moral conflict even though the upbringing I received was 100% western (my values ​​were traditional + catholic universal values) but the young adults today are full of conflicts even though some of them have had a traditional one for 6 years have received chinese education in elementary school.

          • Lydia Alexandra

            Spirited LadyThe ScribeNumberfiveminusone Many years ago I remember someone telling me that in Denmark, Norway and Sweden children sleep with their parents up to about the age of 7 and these countries have the lowest juvenile crime rates in the world.
      • Lydia Alexandra

        numberfiveminusoneThe Scribe I envy your incredible strength of character. Can you give me an idea why my son who has a law degree from Oxford and has had private education for 2 and a half years, primary school, high school and college for 4 years (his choice of where he did it ). 5 academic subjects and then chose which one I want to graduate from) then a 3 year degree and a law degree, turned to me with his degree in hand and to the amazement of other parents said this is for you mom 'Cause without you I wouldn't be standing here He now has a living wife from a family where dad had trouble holding his zipper and left the house and mom turned to the bottle where she now suffers from blindness. It's his first serious relationship at 32, so a slow starter. She has no conversational level, I have no idea what the common denominator is - but I'm out of the picture. His choice, not mine. I am amazed. I was diagnosed today with inflammation of the colon which is stress related as I am having trouble keeping food down.

        My son has never asked for any money (although it was my decision to give him my inheritance as I had a toxic and abusive childhood and didn't want the payout) is very close in his position at work and in his personal life. He has many friends, he is well respected by work colleagues and he has excellent references from school in his work area when he moves from one department to another. Because I raised him alone, that's why I feel so incredibly empty. I prayed daily for him to meet someone as I didn't want him to feel the loss of my death so I really wanted him to have someone in his life and I told him that often. I'm just not a part of his life anymore it seems. At 68, it hit me hard.

        • number five minus one

          Lydia AlexandranNumber five minus oneThe clerk

          Lydia, was your question addressed to me or the scribe? If it wasn't me, I apologize for my answer. Every relationship is unique, so I can only offer possible answers. It seems that very close relationships between parents and children can become "entangled". Here we are very closely connected, sharing common personality traits and views on life and "understanding" each other. We're super close and the lines can blur for parent and child together, or for one or the other. This becomes an issue IMHO when the parent or child is clingy and needy. Or when the adult child or parent cannot allow distance to the other. For example, it is normal for a grown child to take a spouse and start "his" family. But it's not normal to cut close parents or family members out of your life or "throw them off" as they make the transition to this stage. Why do they do that?

          Possible reasons are low self-esteem, fear of rejection, immaturity, different value systems or control problems. For example, an adult child who has recently experienced rejection from a romantic partner may choose to prove that partner wrong. You can choose to covet what was dear to that ex-partner and "win" by showing them they've exceeded their goals. More specifically, if that former partner valued money, beauty, status, partying, whatever it was, they will make them one to regain their self-esteem. It's an ego trip and they don't let anyone (not even mom or dad) get in their way. The root problem is insecurity or narcissism. They may choose to embrace a value system that is not their norm and does not allow anyone to be a moral compass to find a cure for their ego injury. You can choose a new value system to alleviate an ego injury. They may not have developed a healthy identity and are influenced by their feelings of rejection.

          For others, they may fear disapproval from parents who get in their way. They know that they love their parents and that their parents' opinion will be of great value. If you think your parent won't agree, remove the parent from your life. They are willing to destroy relationships to achieve intimacy. This is not a healthy way to go about things and will lead to further isolation later.

          Or the parents have an unrealistic idea of ​​the relationship they had with their child. For example, the narcissistic parents who genuinely believed that everything is fine in the world while throwing their child down with their wants or needs. The adult child really needs to flee to find himself. They weren't able to do it when they were young, so they do it as a young adult when they have better tools.

          From what you described with your son (32 years old and a slow learner), I wonder if he isolated himself from a woman he fell in love with out of feelings or rejection. Now that he's ready to be intimate again, he fears renewed rejection. He puts his whole heart and soul into this new relationship and is willing to destroy a close relationship with you so that he can give this new relationship his "everything" in the hopes that he will achieve true intimacy. Somewhere along the line (please forgive me for saying this) something has gone wrong with his relationships with women, and I suspect earlier rejection. If so, my dear, you are collateral damage for him to gain intimacy. You must take care of yourself. Your gut is inflamed from stress. Now is the time to learn more about yourself and take care of yourself.

          Also, keep a close eye on your adult child for substance abuse/alcohol issues. My adult child, by her own words and by her actions, was very happy with her life. She fell in love with a man who abused RX drugs. She started taking ADHD medication during the day (she doesn't have ADHD) and started drinking alcohol at night to "relax" like him. She suffered an ego injury (perhaps for the first time in her life) and takes a drug that acts as an amphetamine. She needs alcohol at night to counteract sleep. With that, she left her fiancé and had her new love at home that evening. So there are issues with her character that I have ignored and perhaps contributed to by my unwavering support of my adult child. Parents do not have the only influence on their child's life.

          I want to say that again. Parents are not the only influence in a child's life. As the child grows up, they will be influenced not only by their parents, but also by their genetics, peers, employees, company culture and experiences. As parents, we always want to reflect on how we failed our grown children. In the anger phase of grief, we want to blame them. But more often than not, we're looking for an answer to how the heck things got so bad so quickly. And we may never know. Our grown children have their secrets just like we have ours. We may never know why.

          In the end I think that's true. Love your adult children. Hope and pray that with or without us they are happy and fulfilled. But please expect them to treat you with the kindness and respect they would treat a colleague, boss, neighbor or friend. You deserve it as a parent.

          • Lydia Alexandra

            numberfiveminusoneLydia AlexandraThe Scribe My question was for anyone who wanted to give me some insight as to why this suddenly happened. I have read your answer and am amazed by your broad understanding and knowledge. May I ask if you studied psychology at any level or are just incredibly well read and if so where can I get that knowledge too?

            You're right, our kids have secrets, and there's a chance my son was rejected by a woman at some point, although I don't know. When he left home and bought an apartment, I saw him weekly and nothing was said or discussed about relationships. He then sold his apartment and another rental he had rented out and bought the house he now lives in. Had the whole condo rewired, new windows, replastered, and now has additions to the back with builders. He's busy. Now he and his partner live in one room, only 10% of his clothes are at my house.

            I called a while ago when his partner had her wisdom teeth pulled when she was 24. I said that maybe for that reason he could buy her a mouthwash (not the regular mouthwash) because when I got mine done when I was 23 you can't brush your teeth but you have to keep your mouth infection free and clean . I figured with a class he has to drop out of by the end of the year, all the hustle and bustle of his house, long hours and partner moved in, that's the last thing on his mind. I also said that as he is considering renting the upstairs while he and his partner live downstairs once construction is complete, he needs to be aware that having male tenants can be a problem as she works shifts. Imagine that he is away for the day, she sleeps during the day, and a guy decides to create trouble. After all, they are not family, but complete strangers. He went absolutely nuts and yelled at me “stop organizing”, anything that needed to be addressed.

            I was shocked at the anger he poured out on me. That was the first time I saw this behavior and over time he became totally distant. My mother told me on her deathbed that as a mother she was very poor. Aside from the mental, physical, and emotional abuse I endured almost daily from my mother with a father, a pastor, who the other day seemed like I had no warmth, demonstrative affection, kindness - whatever. I once heard my son say to his friend who was staying overnight as my location was an easy link to their destination, my mum is very mothering (as I cooked them breakfast and packed food for their trip) which I find normal. My son's friend had lost his mother when he was young and expressed surprise that I was taking care of it. I always had friends of my sons over for visits or for birthdays etc. and I would take anyone and everyone home as I thought it was a decent thing to do. I would ask my boy to escort her to her front door. That was during the high school years, not when he was working.

            You can see from this that I was very involved in everything that needed to be done concerning my son. He's away from home, that's ok, although sometimes he asked if I could pick them all up from the airport as the flight was late and they had no way of getting home as the public transport had stopped. No problem.

            Maybe I was too involved, although I never pushed, nor was I curious. I would always say - if you want me to help, just say so and leave it like that.

          • number five minus one

            Lydia AlexandranNumber five minus oneThe clerk

            I only studied psychology at the basic level for my job. My mother and sister cutting ties with me (and almost everyone else in the family) prompted me to seek answers. I was fortunate to have access to a university library for research articles. I've poured over thousands of them. I also have friends (doctors and nurses) who work in mental health and addiction medicine. I could bounce ideas off them. The most valuable resource I have found is my husband speaking from his "gut". Uncanny how accurate he was. He is very observant of human nature.

            I am very sorry that your son saw your concern for his partner as "too organized". I believe your suggestions were valid and made with love.

          • Spirited lady

            numberfiveminusoneLydia AlexandraThe Scribe Thank you for your wise and informative posts. I believe my son fits your description that he is struggling to find a suitable partner and is willing to cut us out of his life to accommodate his wife and her lifestyle. We're not particularly judgmental, thoughMoreThey have a countercultural lifestyle that would be difficult for us to approximate. Seeing her at our family reunion every three years is the only thing we're allowed to do, other than sending gifts. I don't think my son and I were involved, but we were struggling to stabilize our adult relationship when he got engaged. I think she thinks she would protect him from me. And isolation is a pattern in her family. She has no contact with her family, which they prefer as they don't accept my son. I think her father expected to control her life. So self-isolating seems like a good solution, at least for them. His knee-jerk reactions to proposed plans were always positive, but then the answer from her was no. He gives us a lot to be with her. But they share the same lifestyle, same friends etc. and now that there are two children he will never leave him. I think accepting the situation is the only way I can bless him. And that's the only way I can avoid hurting my feelings even more. My son is sensitive and we were close hence the difficulty on both ends breaking away. But I'm allowed to send gifts, and that's more than some of my friends are allowed who I know weren't involved with their children. I was told sizes and wishes and occasionally thanked. But I think the harder it becomes for my son to endure this separation, the less communicative he becomes. And I think that happened to my friends' sons too. My son said, "That's all that's going to work with my family." And of course he means his wife, because the children are small children.
          • The writer

            NumberfiveminusoneLydia AlexandraThe scribe I'm sure Lydia addressed her question to you. Thank you for such a comprehensive answer. You seem very aware of this whole complicated subject. My friends used to say that children after 20 are more emotionally and mentally stable and secure. But when I look at/read young adults today, I think they still face all sorts of dangers up until their 30s. That's because there are so many influences around them.

            I find your paragraphs 2-5 so insightful. Thank you very much.

        • Spirited lady

          Lydia AlexandranNumber five minus one The scribbler reading about your son who said his diploma is for you, I think he will come back. He needs some time. This young man was apparently more academic than social and now he will learn hard lessons. Keep praying for him and his life. he ventured outMorewhat is good. Give him some time to figure things out.
          • Lydia Alexandra

            Spirited LadyLydia AlexandranNumber five minus onesThe Scribe Thank you for taking the time to reply, much appreciated. X
  • The writer

    After reading some of the posts here, I can't help but think that this is a worldwide social landscape among young adults today. Why do they treat so callously people they have nurtured/cared for/sacrificed for over 25-30 years? I really can't understand how they could be so selfish, self-centered and callous. How could parents who gave their all to raise them be called "toxic" once they became financially independent?

    Everything is precarious until the parents get sick or can no longer meet their needs. Today's young people use their parents and then discard them when the tide turns. Even if for whatever reason they don't love their parents and have an ax to grind with them, where is their conscience and gratitude? True, they never asked to be born. However, depending on their karma, whether they like it or not, they WILL be reborn, if not from this set of parents, from another, which could be a thousand times worse. They could be born into a family on the brink of starvation, or they could be born into a family in a war-torn country. Wasn't it their parents who gave them the opportunity to enjoy what they have now achieved? If their parents had not given them life, they would never have been able to enjoy themselves now. When they taste the sweetness of life they forget their parents, but when it comes to bitterness they blame their parents.

    I'm in East and Southeast Asia to be precise and the social climate here is the same. Many young adults today no longer practice filial piety. The Buddha said we should NOT drink all our sweet tea at the beginning of life and leave all our bitter tea to the end. We must also leave some sweet tea for the end and drink some bitter tea in our youth. Many of today's youth do not know this principle. Today's youth are so intent on enjoying life that they ignore their filial duty to their parents and elders. Today the number of neglected old people is increasing, even in the East where filial reverence has been practiced for thousands of years. This is the phenomenon that began towards the end of the last century.

    Their children watch how they treat their elderly, and when it's their turn, they may experience worse. There is an ancient Chinese story about a son who carried his elderly and sick father up the mountain in a basket. He left his Father's Day. His own little son came with him. When his father dropped his grandfather off somewhere on the mountain, the boy said to his father:

    "Pa. don't forget to take the basket home with you". The father asked why.

    The boy replied, "So that I can take you up the mountain when you grow old."

  • LLWright

    On July 26, 2016, my 26-year-old daughter moved out with her boyfriend and took her son with her. I don't know where they are and she stopped talking to me. I have been a part of my grandson's life since he was born. Now I can neither see nor speak to himMorehim at all. Your boyfriend is my grandson's father. They broke up/got back together repeatedly. We all lived together, but they didn't contribute financially to the house, and we started fighting. I don't like this guy, never have. I just took part because I love my daughter. He's a felon and, in my opinion, a complete failure. My parents don't handle it well and are obsessed with contacting them and seeing my grandson. I, on the other hand, have decided to step back and let things cool down. I have texted her three times to ask to see my grandson and she simply replies with a NO. In my last text I let her know that I love her and my grandson, want her in my life and my door is always open. I did not get an answer. She blocked me on all social media and no longer responds in any way. My daughter and I were always close and I considered her my best friend. She was the closest person in my life. Now because of this guy she left the whole family and somehow stopped communicating. I've been through all the stages of a death. Anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair, no reason to live, etc. I wake up every morning just trying to get through my day as best as I can. I'm not sure what else to do. I lost two people who mean more to me than anything else. I pray to God every day that this will end.
    • number five minus one

      LLWright I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, it's devastating and emotional. It will take time to process your feelings, so take your time. The loss of your grandson must be particularly hard for you and once again I am so sorry. My loss was fresh, just like yours.MoreToday is the first day that I feel like myself again, albeit a little sad. I wish you a “good day” very soon. I've found that exercise helps and my husband and I have pushed ourselves to get out even though it's hard. You are not alone here as Lydia, Spirited Lady, I and others have experienced your pain. Hold on.
    • Spirited lady

      LLWright I understand your devastation, but you are making this more emotionally traumatic than it needs to be. You have not lost your daughter or grandson. You just can't have any contact with them right now. You don't go through all the stages of grief in lessMorethan a month. Yes, you can feel all the emotions, but stages take much longer...years really. You would do well to wait and let things cool down. This young couple needs some time to get a reality check. If it's as bad as you and your parents think it is, your daughter will be home with you soon. When that happens you have to tell her that you were fine without her living with you but it was awful not having contact with her and your grandson. Your feelings are not your responsibility. She has a right to her own life. And she needs to find out what this young man is all about if he doesn't have to compete with her family. Consider this your wise experiment. Because if he doesn't turn out to be the person she hopes to be, she will be able to get on with her life without him. Luckily you were very smart and left the door open. This could very well be the step in the right direction needed to break the impasse. My advice is to pray for a good outcome. God's plans for your daughter are far greater than we can imagine. Make your prayer a prayer of trust in God's providence. And do you know that there are thousands of other moms out there having similar experiences... and worse. Trust your daughter to know she is loved and that help is just a text message away.
      • LLWright

        Spirited LadyLLWright Thank you. I totally agree. It makes my aging parents do this. You just can't stop contacting them. I will continue to discuss with them. I put it in God's hands because it was too much for me to handle. I cried yesterdayMoremost of the day and it was a hard day. Today I wake up with a new strength and power to let it be. Let it take its course and she'll see what we see in time. The hardest thing is not seeing my grandson. I miss him so much. Thank you again for your words. I appreciate it and I needed this more than you can ever imagine!
        • The writer

          LLWrightSpirited Lady

          In fact, it's a good idea to let things take their course. Your body also recovers when you let a cold run its course. Such children do not deserve the fuss of their parents etc. One day she will realize that she needs you and will come back to you of her own accord. She will realize how much her son loses. Good luck and God bless.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        Spirited LadyLLWright How wise and down to earth you are. Your feelings are not your responsibility. I'm stuck there and have to deal with it. Thanks X
        • Spirited lady

          Lydia AlexandraSpirited LadyLLWright Plus, Lydia Alexandra, you have a right to a life of your own. I love the expression, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." This is a time for you to identify things that make you feel good. Healthy things like a walk in oneMorePark, a long bath, a cup of tea, a good book. Even if you cry all the time while walking or bathing. let yourself feel your feelings Know that as a child you were entitled to loving care. Talk to that child in you. Tell her that you are sorry about what happened to her and that you will take care of her now. Be very patient with yourself. Your feelings are YOUR responsibility and you can choose how you will feel. It takes time and work, but you can come out of it a stronger, healthier, and happier person.
    • Lydia Alexandra

      LLWright I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could get you an answer, although I think it's better to take a step back than keep trying to contact your daughter. The last thing you want them to say is you're a nuisance. The thing is, even though you (asMorewas my son) and your daughter were close, she was your best friend, you always choose your partner like my son and like you, getting through the day is a real test. There are no easy solutions, but what I've done isn't email or TXT (but I can email every few weeks and just say - hope you're in good health, thinking of you, take care I don't get over the fact that I feel like I've died inside, or that I miss him terribly, or that I just want to sit at the table with him and talk to him or I feel pathetically needy in too independent by nature and a bit of a loner (horrible childhood) so i don't cling to desperate people i just miss my son there was just the two of us - i drove myself to the hospital and gave birth, and drove home. there was Complications and I could only see him through an incubator but I asked God that if he would leave the hospital healthy I would spend the rest of my life taking excellent care of him and I did e maternity leave has been the best and happiest of my life and when you give so much the loss of not seeing that person is just unbearable Few people I have communicated with on this site have delved into volunteering, bless them and their strong characters and give themselves when they feel the way they do. I'm just not strong enough, it's hard for me to get through the day, the emptiness is unbearable.
  • number five minus one

    Right now my daughter is trying to argue with me via text message and even verbally abused me which has never happened before. I think she's trying to make me the villain so she has a reason to cut me off completely. I think she has a hard time saving face in front of her friends because they know me so well and are confused by her behavior. Even if they call me and ask why she's acting like this, I never say a bad word. I'm just saying, "Well, that's what makes them happy, so we have to be happy for them." I think she wants to give them a reason why she left us so they won't feel sorry and she won't be embarrassed. I choose not to react negatively to her lyrics. So she keeps pushing. This makes me not answer at all. It's so very difficult.

    I've been wondering how many of us estranged parents have abusive parents and families? My family and my husband's were terrible. We tried very hard not to be parents growing up. We never hit our kids, we negotiated the rules as they grew up so they would be respected. We gave them every opportunity denied to us and simply showered them with love, money and kindness. My heart goes out to those grown children raised by narcissists and abusers who read our posts and think we must be lying and the real story lies with our children because they cannot believe that this type of parenting leads to alienation . My heart also goes out to us parents, who are being told that we must have been selfish and the alienation must be our fault.

    That's why I want to warn adult children against abuse so that you don't overdo it when raising your children. Don't give them everything and praise them excessively. Don't put them at the center of the universe or you might feel alienated one day when your child decides they don't need you anymore. It seems counterintuitive to believe what I'm telling you, but read our stories and you'll see a pattern. I think that's why the alienation is generational. I was raised by an abusive narcissistic mother and we became estranged because I would no longer tolerate the abuse. I spoiled my child so much that he became a narcissist. She will raise her children as a narcissistic mother. The pattern is likely to repeat itself over and over for generations.

    • I am sorry

      Omg you are so right. My mom was a crackhead who got high and let me sleep in the park until she was done. She never gave me a birthday party or even bothered to talk to me or check my homework or anything like that. she would leave meMoreI was 8 and my brother who was 4 was alone for a week while she was doing her crack binges and we had nothing to eat so we ate a loaf of bread trying to get through it. When I was placed in a group home, she never came to visit or call me or anything. Funny how when I got older I bought a big house and took care of her until she died. My 20 year old son treats me like garbage. When he was growing up I spoiled him and had huge birthday parties and did everything with them. My mother never took me anywhere or did anything to me. But I would have done anything for her if she had asked. I can't even get my son to babysit his little brother when I had to go to the hospital. I am so hurt and just shocked. I am a single mom with 4 boys and I spend every second with them and whatever they want they get. I had 1 pair of shoes and they had holes and I bought him 6 pairs of sneakers for school and a lot more for Christmas and then he told his dad he didn't get much
    • Lydia Alexandra

      numberfiveminusone I am stunned by what you said, absolutely stunned because it is so true. My mother despised me passionately, everything was my fault, I was constantly told that she wished I had never been born, she physically hit me, pulled my hair back and spat on me quite often when she was in one of her tantrums , for stealing money which she then found but never apologized for, or being late from school (gym training) she never greeted me with a warm hello, always with mad anger. I took all of my father's heart pills at the age of 12 and ended up in the hospital with a cardiograph. I've had enough of everything. I was tired of spending my lunch breaks at school hiding my belt marks on my legs while we wore tunics and cropped socks. When I finally got home, it was my fault for embarrassing my mother by ending up in the hospital. My father, a pastor, looked away. That's why I don't go to churches - was I raised by Christians?

      My sister told the pastor at my mother's funeral how I was physically and emotionally abused. That's why my sister has nothing to do with me and hasn't spoken to me since my parents died. Her reason is that seeing me again would bring back what she would see as a child (8 years younger). I wanted to give my son the kind of education I would have liked to have had. I always spoke to him, not to him, my mother only spoke to me to criticize me. I never hit him and I gave him my time when I wasn't working. There were no relationships, only friendships, so if invited, I would take my boy too. I didn't spoil him but I gave him a private education and bought a house myself so although bills and dues were paid there wasn't much to spend although he got everything he needed. I gave him my inheritance as I couldn't bring myself to use it and he put it to good use and turned it around a few times with real estate. Now he has a nice house and he's only 32.

      My mother was beautiful and knew it, she destroyed all my photo albums before she died - all 5. The whole house was full of her photos, there wasn't one of me. Long stunning dresses that I looked pretty in were cut up and made into short dresses for my mother. She was blonde, blue eyed and beautiful and my father would do anything to please her and after I left home she turned against him and it was all his fault. She eventually left him, divorced him, and the church fired him. She soon found another man to share her life with while my father was having a complete breakdown.

      A narcissistic mother for sure. I never bring my parents down to my son. I also stayed with him on our visits (every 4 years abroad) and his relationship with them was different. He had a grandmother and a grandfather and often wrote and talked to them on the phone. Now that he has his beautiful house and a woman in his life, I'm totally forgotten. I would honestly like to know why.

      • number five minus one

        Lydia AlexandranZahlfünfminuseins

        I'm sorry Lydia.

      • Spirited lady

        Lydia Alexandrannumber fiveminusone I am so sorry for the way your mother treated you. It's amazing that you survived that kind of trauma. It's also amazing that this story allowed you to be a gentle, accepting mother. Her son is still in a phase of life that is now referred to as "late adolescence". In other words, he's still figuring out who he is and how he fits into the world. Our society has become so complex that acculturation, which was once largely accomplished by the late teens or early 20s, now requires another decade. In these phases, young people are still quite egocentric. That doesn't mean he always will be.

        It sounds like you need to focus on your own life and find friends to do things with. Your son may never be interested in spending much time with you. My son got married and moved far away. His wife doesn't like me and they said I could only be "a name on a map". My son and I are not estranged. He's not angry about anything. But that's far from my idea of ​​family. I grew up with grandparents who I saw most days. My son was very close to my mother, even though we lived in different communities.

        But they can choose. And we might as well come to terms with our own emotions. I do a lot of volunteer work. My favorite part is facilitating a class at the Women's Prison to help young mothers who are incarcerated process their addiction and the childhood abuse that led to it.

        I suggest you think of something that's close to your heart and help out. that's the biggest consolation for me.

        • Lydia Alexandra

          Spirited LadyLydia Alexandranumberfiveminusone Thank you for your wise words and suggestions, I appreciate your input but to be honest I just don't have the drive, enthusiasm and energy to get through what you do so admirably . I wish you all the best.
        • Gena Gaddis

          Spirited LadyLydia Alexandrannumber five minus one

          My daughter and I have always been close. She had a baby a few months ago. I flew 4000 miles to be there. Your boyfriend was a complete idiot. My husband and I had paid their deposit on the apartment, bought furniture etc but we were treated horribly. I've always looked forward to my daughter having a child, it should be wonderful. Instead she was cruel, didn't want me in the hospital, barely let me hold the child, etc. My son and his wife were angry. They, too, had been kept at a distance by the guy. Nevertheless, it was my daughter who allowed all of this to happen! Heartbroken after she said horrible things to me I left after 3 separate breakdowns. I stayed with my son and daughter-in-law for a few days and then flew home. My daughter then said I left her when she needed me! I can't afford to fly back any time soon and can't understand why she made such bad decisions. She dropped out of college, met this guy, and got pregnant almost a year and a half later. I

          I'm so tired! She was my best friend, she said the same thing about me. She feels she needs to stand by this guy and be a couple. Meanwhile, I've been kept away from my only grandchild.

          • Lydia Alexandra

            GenaGaddisSpirited LadyLydia Alexandrannumberfiveminusone Perhaps because she had just had a baby and had been twittering in her ear months before, her reaction was to take his side and desert you and your good intentions. How lucky she was to have you there and how sad and shocked you must beMorefelt when she reacted that way. Then saying you left her when she needed you the most sounds to me like she's in a bad place, all messed up, confused, lonely, scared, wanting to side with him, even though he might be the Reason is why she has changed so much to you. You must have returned devastated and genuinely upset. Something tells me she just needs to be left alone and see how things develop. I found when everyone is with me and giving me all this advice and I'm at my lowest (years ago when I lived with my parents) it made things worse for me. But with time to think on my own and see things for myself, you start to see things as they really are and not as they looked back then. I wish you inner peace soon.
    • Spirited lady

      numberfiveminusone What you say makes a lot of sense. Did your daughter's abuse start when you stopped doing what she wants? Did you have trouble standing up to her when she was a kid? I've seen it happen... and heard it from other moms.
      • number five minus one

        Spirited lady number five minus one

        She just got cruel to me recently. As a child and teenager I never had any problems with her. But then again, we gave her everything she wanted as a child and as an adult. All she had to do was say "I want this" and we gave it to her. She always thanked us. Even in our teenage years, we never had arguments or arguments.

        • Spirited lady

          numberfiveminusoneSpirited Lady I don't think you have to blame yourself. I have friends (more than a couple) who have raised 2 or more children who are wonderful people from wonderful families and have been estranged from one child but not the others. It is often the child's spouse who insistsMoreFracture. I think those of us who had unhappy childhoods are much more affected by the loss. It triggers the trauma of our childhood losses. And it's obviously a greater loss for those of us with only one child. And more importantly, if you don't have a spouse, don't have extended family to support you, don't have a faith community that provides a sense of community. In fact, this isolation probably has a lot to do with young adult children's need to escape the pressure of having to fill in all those gaps. There are different patterns I think.
          • Lydia Alexandra

            Spirited Ladynumberfiveminusone I understand why you say what you have and I would do it the same way I/we feel so raw but things were different once. I taught Russian to adult students twice a week, loved the theater, went often, also made a living and went to the theatreMoreGym three times a week. I had a busy life and often enjoyed eating out and cooking and baking at home, especially on the weekends. Now I do absolutely nothing but tend to the house and garden. I just can't be bothered.
  • Jewel0202

    Hi, I just stumbled across this blog and wanted to say I'm so sorry for the heartache everyone is going through. I'm going through the same experience as all of you. I have a 41 year old daughter who I have raised since she was four (stepdaughter). Your father and I divorced 20 years ago.MoreIn 2008 my father died leaving me an inheritance that he told me to use however I wanted. I choose to help all my children. Last month she asked me for money to buy a house and I told her I could afford to give her money. She won't speak to me except to help her look at my inheritance records to prove she should have gotten more. She has a B.A. at a private college, paid for an MBA from me, money for her first house, a wedding and I took her in after her divorce. I took her and my two grandkids in for three years and didn't ask her for any money, I paid the bills except that she wanted internet and I could afford it so she paid for that. I waited a few weeks thinking I would trying to text her, she wrote back that "she's still in shock and wasn't ready to forgive." This is especially hurtful because I live in a modest older house (circa 1910) with no paint or repairs, drive an old 2001 car while she just bought a brand new 2016 Toyota Highlander with all the TVs in it, etc. This blog gave me the courage to text all my children another, declaring that I have no more money to give but lots of love, care and fun to share. A daughter called to tell me how much she loved me. One said she was appalled by my message? and my 41 year old chose not to reply. So to all of you out there, you are not alone and you are in my thoughts and prayers.”
    • Gena Gaddis


      Yes, money seems to be the factor that ties many parent-child relationships together. I just don't understand my daughter separating me from her and her baby. I did everything I could. Paid 1000 to help. My son and his wife are grateful and appreciative. They never ask for anything. Maybe we're doing too much. It is expected.

      • Royann

        This seems to be a major factor in my eldest son's estrangement and as soon as the money train stopped he stopped speaking to me. Absolutely nothing to do with me totally cut me out of his life just to make the injury worseMoreon mine he claims to be a good Christian and is studying to be a minister! How's that for a cherry on top! My husband says we've been doing too much but it still hurts like hell every day!
    • number five minus one


      I'm sorry this is happening to you. Thoughts and prayers to you too.

      • Jewel0202

        Thank you for your prayers and I'm sorry you lost your son. Every morning I wake up feeling like things will never get better. but during the day I get busy and can forget for a while. The next morning it startsMoreeverything again. It's only been such a tough few years and one of my daughters had a massive stroke. I had to use some money to pay her bills and support her and her son (she is single). My other children understand, but the 41-year-old doesn't listen to reason. Does everything have to be exactly level??? She should be glad I had the money to help her sister, but she says some of it was hers?!? I told her it's my money to use however I see fit anyway and what if she was the one who had the stroke? ... wouldn't she want me to help her?? She just isn't ready to forgive???? What have I done that she can't forgive me??? Besides helping her disabled sister as much as I can?? It saddens me to think that she is so selfish. I pray that God will open her eyes. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers
        • Lydia Alexandra

          Jewel0202 I am so sorry that things are going so difficult and I am especially sorry that your daughter has suffered a massive stroke. I was wondering if you are the only one helping your disabled daughter and son? Wouldn't you think it appropriate to ask your other children ifMoreYou, in turn, could help her, be it with shopping or a visit. I feel like you are doing it all and yes as mothers we do, but a little help would be greatly appreciated. Take care and thank you for your contribution. It would also mean that everyone would see each other more often - after all, they all belong to the same family.
          • Spirited lady

            Lydia AlexandraJewel0202 Those are very wise words, Lydia Alexandra. You speak of yourself as weak, but I see wisdom, compassion and strength in reaching out to others who are suffering.
          • Lydia Alexandra

            Spirited LadyLydia AlexandraJewel0202 Thank you for your kind words, how much they are appreciated. x
        • Spirited lady

          Jewel0202 You need to stop beating yourself up for your daughter's lack of compassion. There is nothing to forgive in this story, and your acting as if there is adds to this daughter's false sense of injustice. Your responsibility is to do what you think is right. You made the right choice. Now just stick with it. This daughter isn't going to change, so don't count on it for your peace of mind. You can pray all you want...and I believe in prayer...but God works in the world in God's own way, and unfortunately that usually doesn't mean a change of character.

          On the other hand, if possible, this daughter is actually asking if she is loved and if you would do the same for her. Before you write her off, and instead of defending yourself, reassure her that you love her too and that you hope you can be there for her when she really needs you. Identify what is special about her and let her know that you appreciate those things about her.

  • NL mother

    I read so many comments on here and my heart breaks. I see fear, despair, pain and anger. All part of the alienation. My son alienated me. He's 22. It started out as parental estrangement, but it took a few years and we started building things back up and things were going well, didn't weMoreideal but good and that was all I had learned to expect. I spent a small fortune on him at Christmas 2015. When I put all the presents under the Christmas tree, my heart broke. Most of the gifts were for my older son who was estranged from me. There was little for my younger son, who was only 13 at the time. This made me take another look at what I was doing. Nevertheless, everything went well. When my older son returned to his father's house that evening, he took a picture of all the gifts I had given him and posted it on FB with the hashtag #awesomemom. I was sooooo happy, I was on cloud nine. The mail was gone the next day. He got to tell me his dad was mad at him for posting it. Since then I've seen him again, a few weeks later by accident and I was so hurt when he hugged me that I couldn't return it, I apologized and we communicated a few times via Facebook. That was in January 2015, since then I got a call on Mother's Day 2015 and he said "I didn't treat you very well." He hung up crying. I haven't heard his voice since then. At Christmas he texted me on FB and said he loves me and that he would call, nothing...a week later I texted him back saying that this is a sad situation and I love him etc. , we made an appointment, he canceled five times . Obviously he doesn't want to see me. I'm trying to move on now. I can't fit into his life, I've tried everything I can think of. I was understanding, never critical, supportive, told him I was proud of him, did everything and yet it's been six months since a one sentence post on fb. I just accept now that I have to move on and live my life. I can't think about what could be or hope that we make up. Life is short and boy is it hard. For those of you hoping for a reconciliation, I don't think contacting them is a good thing. It makes them take us for granted, and it also makes us hold on to hope that this FB message, this text, this map will work. Nothing will work until they decide they want a relationship. I am now trying my best to get on with my life. At least I have one other son and stepdaughter who love me and I love them very much, great friends and a loving mother and sister. As far as I know, my son is happy and healthy and I'm grateful for that, but it's time I moved on and started living a full life again, but th It's not that easy. I wish you all the best and if you reconcile I hope you post here I would love to read your posts. God bless.
    • The writer

      NL Mom Don't try to "buy" her love.
    • Brenda Alvarado885

      NL Mom First of all I want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I understand your pain as I too have become estranged from my adult son who is 20 years old. I agree with your advice to back off and not contact her for reconciliation after so many failed attempts. I want to thank you for your inspirational advice and strength. I recently got in touch with my son after 3 years of estrangement, he left home when he was 17 (in bad words of course) and after 3 years of emails (because he changed his number so email was the only one form of contact was) i never got an answer. I met him months after he left home only to be ignored on the street! I was humiliated. I only followed him to be ignored. I had no choice but to walk away in distress and shame. he was recently hired as a photographer for a family of friends, sweet 16, who i tried to contact again. He was formal, but still cold. I asked him for his phone number but he refused to give it to me himself because he had already given it to his little brother, my 13 year old son. He said if I wanted the number I could get it from his little brother. I've texted and called him a few times only to be ignored as usual. He was hired to be a photographer at another event that I knew would be there, so I made it my mission to attend. He said hello but called me Brenda, not mom. I was hurt and him belittling me in front of other people at an event where everyone knows he's my son was another humiliating moment for me. I approached him and told him I didn't like it when he called me by my first name, then he got defensive and said I lost that privilege since I kicked him out. By the time he was 17, his disrespect was at an all-time high. He didn't come home and do whatever he wanted, he didn't even wish me a happy mother's day or a happy birthday, he even refused to take part in family vacations. I was too hurt at that point as I couldn't understand why my son who I love with all my heart would treat me like this. He didn't even invite me to his high school graduation after I paid all of his senior dues, which was my duty as a mother, but no gratitude was shown to me and I was treated like I was a mother beaten to death after years of being one single mom working hard so he doesn't need anything. I got into a serious relationship when he was 12 and we are still together to this day. He got along with my mate at first, but as he got older, my boyfriend's total disregard caused friction for us too. My mate had also helped ensure that we actually lived better when I was able to take multiple vacations as a single mom and financially I was able to give even more lavish gifts and whatever he wanted. I even wasted his girlfriend just so I could be in his good graces. After several episodes of the disrespect he showed, I put my foot down and told him if he didn't follow the rules of my house, he had to leave. He decided to leave and stay with my estranged sister, of course she took advantage of the situation by taking him in instead of trying to mediate and make things right between us. I don't feel like working things out with my sister as I feel like she did the unthinkable thing to drive a wedge between my son and me and I will never forgive her for that. I recently emailed my son to address the issue of calling me by my first name. I wrote him a respectable letter expressing all my feelings of pain and shame. I told him in the letter that I will love nothing more than to make up, but I need to be recognized as a mother, no less. he texts back again, calling me by my first name, wishing me many great years and that one day I must see what I've done as a mother and wishing me the best of luck. That killed me. I quit 2 days in a row because I cried every now and then and can't concentrate on anything. My heart is completely broken but I will not give up and lose my dignity while trying to have a relationship. I feel like as parents we tend to be kicked and manipulated just for being in a relationship with kids who don't even value us. I'm broken, but in time I'll heal. Luckily I have a 13 year old son who loves me and my 9 year old boyfriend has been more than supportive through this ordeal. I really hope both sons come to their senses and see that they are blessed to have mothers who want to be in their lives and offer love and support in life that we both know can be seriously hard. There are many people, myself included, whose mother has passed away who cannot afford the luxury of spending time with their mother. I will include you in my prayers. Thanks again for your enlightening advice, you are a soldier with the heart of an angel! God bless you!


    • lcjantzi


      Thank you for sharing. I'm not sure I can put into words what your post meant to me. I'm very sad but I'm not alone is basically what comes to mind. I'm sorry, but I just wish I didn't have this in common with you and others, but I'm grateful that reading your account and others' accounts of the alienation makes the pain of loss seem a little less.

      My three adult children decided to request "no contact" by emailing me after Christmas 2013. We'd been through a lot in the past 15 years: her father's arrest for a sex crime, eventual divorce, her acting as a drug and alcohol abuse teen, an abortion, marriage, birth of three grandchildren, death of a grandchild, etc. I don't want to continue. I did my best and now I understand that they put me under a microscope, so to speak, where whatever good I did for them becomes tiny in the magnification of my mistakes or mistakes. My eldest lied to the other two about something horrible I should have said about my daughter and her late son, my sweet grandson. But she has told lies to others about me and lied to me for years and even believes that I have something to do with her father's sexual deviance.

      I too was told by a therapist that I needed to send cards on special occasions and keep in touch. I've done this until now, even though everything inside me told me not to do it. The small counter message I received from my younger daughter during this time was abusive and revealed someone suffering from a mental illness. My therapist suggested that my adult children needed time to grow up and learn to take responsibility for their own decisions and stop blaming me. She claimed to keep letting them know I love them and would wait to hear from them when they are ready.

      Since reading the current posts on this site, I am reassured not to contact them anymore. The posts confirmed what I had been thinking a lot about lately, which was not to annoy or bother them, to give them the space they asked (required), to hurt myself by waiting for an answer and getting nothing , or worse, becoming more offensive language.

      All to say thank you to you and everyone else who shares the stories of the heartbreak of our adult children's alienation.

      Without my relationship with Almighty God, I would despair. . .

      • Spirited lady

        lcjantzi Unlike Lydia Alexandra, I have a religious community. It is so comforting to be with others every Sunday and pray and sing and hear a message of God's love and care. It also provides me and my husband with a social life and opportunities to serveMoreOther. I am involved in ministry to women in prison. I listen to their stories and offer them a recovery program where I share God's love for them and keep myself going in the face of the neglect and detachment of my only child. I'm still sad but I keep busy knowing that everything is in God's hands. My daily prayers for my son and his family along with the gifts I send (he lets me know which gifts are welcome) give me a sense of connection and comfort. Every Sunday at church I light a candle for him and his little ones, and even for his wife who seems to be the root cause of the problem. I refuse to be bitter, but it helps to acknowledge my sadness.
        • Lydia Alexandra

          Temperamental Ladylcjantzi I don't want to offend you, but I'm surprised that your son accepts gifts, but distances himself from you and your husband. Unlike me, you have managed to actively engage and engage with others. I feel frozen and just can't blend in. I do not communicate with anyone whoMoreis close to me, apart from exchanging pleasantries and a quick hello to the neighbors. I don't feel bitter to be honest, just incredibly empty. I just have nothing to say.
      • Lydia Alexandra

        lcjantzi I've just come from shopping, a lonely nightmare, children are on vacation now and you see them as your children once were, loud and full of life and full of wonder. How different it was once and how little I knew what could happen one day and there is no reason why. I'm sorry for your incredible pain and what you had to go through. I wish I could set it straight for you, or at least say - don't worry, it will get better - or it will go away with time, but it won't, because who knows. I like that you have my faith and believe in the power of prayer although I'm not a churchgoer and hate labels so I don't call myself a Christian but I just hope things get easier someday. What I would do is, to every single person in your life who is difficult to write a letter with. Make one every Sunday, since I don't go to church on Sundays, I write my letters. When you have them all, one day go out and post them all together. The content would be - your side of the story, keep it short and end with - i will always love you if you want to contact me i will be there for you.

        You then said what you wanted to say, maybe not to the person's face, but you said it. Things that aren't said and settled right away eat you up - give them your version.

        And that's all you can do. I wish you all the best, emotionally and with tenderness, I know how empty it feels like a deep emptiness, almost like bereavement, a feeling of incredible loss.

        • Lydia Alexandra

          lcjantzi I know about depression and am grateful that some of these people that I have had the pleasure of communicating with are able to get involved and help others to help themselves get through the day and to survive. I write letters the way I can say itMoreEveryone writes here, but to the outside world I'm a closed book, I don't discuss it with anyone - so we're all different in doing what helps at a time when it's just - difficult. All I can say is that I am very thankful for this website where I can say what it's like and not be expected to put on a happy face when sometimes I feel like I'm dying inside. Stay healthy and thank you.
        • lcjantzi

          Thank you Lydia for your compassion and kind words. I'm not sure if I should write the letter. It sounds good, but I seem to be overcoming a major wave of depression after writing to these people. Still, I think it might give me a sense of completion. Thank you for the suggestion and for worrying enough to reply to me.

          I don't like labels either, Lydia. My husband and I just found a church but are not involved yet. We meet with several groups for recreation and have regular neighbors and friends, but my thoughts are never far from my grown children and my young grandchildren.

          I read your story with regret. You sound like you're dealing with it in a healthy way, even though you still have triggers, e.g. B. Seeing children shopping brings back memories. They are still open and praying, but realistically. That was helpful for me.

          It's a struggle we will continue to have, living with this gaping hole in our lives and the wound that is difficult to heal, but I am comforted to know that good things can come from our suffering, like this website where the Find solace in one another.

  • Gast 40

    Yesterday my husband emailed our daughter advising her that the CostCo card was renewed and that our car is available for her while we were away for two weeks.

    We received a text message at 3am saying: "Please try and respect my request that I do not want any contact, as much as it hurts as I have tried to be as kind and honest as possible in saying this. I know you don't understand, but I've done my best to explain. I hope I don't have to offend you again with this request. I'm also mad that you don't seem to get it. I love you. I want the best for you and your mother, but I don't want to be contacted until I'm ready. I'm sorry this is hard. i always feel so bad I'm also so angry that I asked for this and tried to explain that I need this. I wish you both all the best. Please leave me alone as too much has happened. I can't heal! Please!

    My comment to all of you here: We have been told and have read that your love flows through emails, cards and messages. We tried, as you can see above, but she doesn't want it.

    Our hearts are broken. Our younger son passed away 9 years ago and our daughter passed away 3 years ago. We lost our two children. We are "old" and I'm scared I'll die heartbroken.

    • number five minus one

      Gast 40

      I am very sorry that you received this SMS. It was a very nice thing to offer your daughter your car and pay for the CostCo card. I think it would be best to respect your daughter's desire to stay away, even if it feels like a knife in your heart. Not just for her, but for you. You don't need heartbreaking texts at 3am. Take care.

    • Lydia Alexandra

      Guest 40 Hello, I am so sorry that your son passed away and now your only other child, your daughter, has behaved like this. You and I are moving forward, and now we'd like to be close to them and be a part of their lives.MoreI feel your pain tremendously, I feel empty and empty and nothing matters anymore, at least you are not alone, you have your partner's understanding and comfort. As awful as that sounds, you need to do what she wants and just leave her alone. She wants to be alone and deal with what's bothering her for some reason, and you "bug" her with YOUR needs. I have not contacted my son either, either by email or phone - and yes I keep checking to see if there is contact, but since he doesn't want to I've had to move on from being a nuisance. I can't tell you, my existence has become hell on earth. x
  • tc tip

    tctiptop numberfiveminusone I had a similar experience. dr Phil helped and we're both in a better place because of it.
    • Lydia Alexandra

      tctiptopnumberfiveminusone Do you mean Phill McGraw - have you seen that on TV or read anything by him?
  • Lydia Alexandra

    I raised my son alone. No family backups, just the two of us. I drove myself to the hospital, gave birth and drove us to our modest apartment. I would take my boy to school and go to work, and in the evening after homework, music practice,Moredinner, etc., when he went to bed, when the childminder came, i went to work. It went on like this for 21 years and he finished his law degree and said many times do you realize what you have achieved, a house you bought and paid for and a private education for me. To be honest, I thought - if I can, I should, and I did. I never saw it as a big deal. I've been healthy and well, so why not do what you can do for yourself and your child? We've always been close, I gave him my inheritance as security for property which he turned over a few times and now at 32 has a big house on a small mortgage. If he couldn't reach me he would be worried, he's always taken care of me, house guard when he's sick etc. Now he has a woman in his life and I'm totally forgotten. I often told him since it's just the two of us my death will hit you hard, I'd like to think that you have someone to share your life with and have a family, so I was pretty thrilled when he did tat told me he met someone and she moved in with her - shocked that it happened so quickly but happy for him. He doesn't call now, doesn't send SMS, nor does he visit him. There are things around the house I cannot do as I am severely arthritic after working physically for so long. I don't mind admitting that I'm devastated and feel an incredible loss, it's hit me hard and I have no idea why he chose to cut me off the way he did.
    • number five minus one

      Lydia Alexandra

      I'm so sorry this happened to you. I, too, feel devastated and mourn the emotional and physical loss of my only child. I've been told I'll go deaf after a while. This time can't come fast enough for me.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra How can we become deaf, we have carried our child, bore and cared for our child through sickness and good times. School days, birthdays, it's burned into our hearts. How nice it would be if the pain would go away. I hope you have someone close byMorethat you are not alone like me. Christmas and birthdays must be hell.
        • number five minus one

          Lydia AlexandranZahlfünfminuseins

          Thanks Lydia I am so sorry your son was upset that he was called while you were ill. I wish you weren't mad at yourself for giving for years because that was a loving thing for you. We should not be angry that we have loved. Please do not feel pathetic about your need for post-operative care. There are rehab facilities to help you prepare to return home. I hope your surgery is helpful and relieves some of your physical pain. Take care.

          • Spirited lady

            numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra I would like to share the wise words of numberfiveminusone with Lydia. Please know Lydia, there are many parents who suffer from this result of their love and card. On the other hand, there are children who never leave home and at the same time are dependent on their parentsMoreabuse them. That would be even worse. Your son is alone and God loves him as much as you do. I hope you receive wonderful medical treatment and recovery care. I am so impressed with how clear your thinking has become and how you are facing these painful challenges. God bless you!
          • Lydia Alexandra

            Spirited LadynumberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra Thank you for your time and effort, much appreciated and appreciated. I need to snap out of this fog I've been living in, what happened to my drive and energy? You have to move on or just die. Thanks X
          • The writer

            Lydia AlexandraSpirited LadyNumber five minus a madame,Spirited Lady is right. It would be worse if the children used to scold you when you were old. Just go ahead and enjoy the good years you have left. It is not worth "dying" for such young people. While you're grieving, these callous children could be having so much fun.

            I was lucky enough to learn something new today. It seems young adults see alienation from their parents as a victim! It seems they have to make "sacrifices" to reach their mark of success. It seems that Steve Jobs also "sacrificed" to arrive at the top of his career. He didn't acknowledge a love child before achieving his spectacular success. What happened to him in the end? He died of cancer. Although he was a phenomenal success in the computing and business worlds, he did not escape human destiny. I don't understand what these young adults are after when they "sacrifice" their parents and families.

            just keep walking Live well and be happy.

          • Spirited lady

            The ScribeLydia AlexandraSpirited LadyNumber five minus one Interesting that we're having this conversation on three continents. What a privilege! I would like to add that the Chinese women we worked with in the Chinese village were very close to their parents. Two of the teachers stayed with their parents while they attended our classes. We've been to both houses, one for dinner. Two others had their mother visiting during the summer holidays. The fifth was the one who took us to her parents' farm to meet her grandmother. Their weddings had been traditional...they were brought to the man's family home. But the women were very loyal and close to their own families. And that will very well be the case with the one-child generation. The young couples have to take care of two sets of parents.

            In the US, most of my friends are very busy with their children and grandchildren. Many take care of them after school. They definitely celebrate birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas together and many other holidays. Grandparents attend performances and sporting events. Even from a distance, my husband's children call him on his birthday, Father's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. And they exchange gifts and cards. Also, there are yearly visits, or almost yearly...even across the continent.

            So that's one of the reasons it's so painful for me and my friends who aren't blessed with any of this. So this blog has been a blessing. I'm just grateful to be able to send cards, notes and gifts. It helps me feel connected, and hopefully it gives the kids at least some of the connection you rightly say is so important to their emotional health. Also, I hope it tells my son that despite his mistreatment of me, the door is still open, which I'm sure he's embarrassed about. But faced with his wife's animosity, he appears to have to make a choice. And I don't want to be a factor in a divorce.

            When we were together at my husband's family reunion which my son is attending as he was only 8 years old when we got married, he was very relaxed with me and excited about all the childhood items I brought him. There was something from every phase of his life and he was glad I kept them. Many were t-shirts and he wore them all. He and I spent most of our time following his 3 year old. I made many videos and photos. But children grow and change quickly.

            Anyway, I help women in our state prison (most are there for drugs) to express the abuse and abandonment they experienced as children and to come in order in their lives. The lack of a deep connection with at least one healthy, loving adult is typically the problem. I am working to provide mentors for the women because as a permanent volunteer going to prison I am not allowed to have a permanent relationship with the women. But my nonprofit is raising money to provide a lay pastor who's in prison every week. There are 800 women, so we only work with a few, but it's very rewarding... most of the time. And we also have other programs that I coordinate. Work keeps me going... distracts me from my losses.

            And every Sunday I light a candle for my son and his babies.

          • Lydia Alexandra

            The ScribeLydia AlexandraSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone Thank you for your well wishes, I don't take that as "sacrifice" but as selfish behavior. I grew up with the experience that families are very much part of the whole family, where grandpa and grandma opened the presents together on Christmas morning and everyone shared each otherMoreBirthday with the whole family, (although not in my family) grandparents came to the schools to see plays performed by their grandchildren and music concerts etc. That kind of distance I see now is strange, isn't it healthy and flawed. It may be the new way of life but it's cruel, selfish and to be honest I can't see who's benefiting from it. Watching a documentary or reading a book about a known criminal always shows some detachment and sometimes abuse. I am not suggesting that our children are under this roof, but distancing is not good for anyone, either the person who instigated it or those suffering from it. I know that even though your heart is breaking and the emptiness is impossible to fill, there is nothing you can do but try to move on and accept it. Yes, I'm slowly moving on.
          • The writer

            Lydia AlexandraThe ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone The keyword is DISTANCE. Look at modern living. Even if the houses share two side walls and the neighbors of the backyard wall do not interact. The rich live in single-family homes, which we call bungalows here (the word bungalow actually comes from India).

            Community detachment is bad enough, but when it's from family it's very unhealthy, but like you, I'm seeing this trend in young adults today. It becomes alarming when large numbers of families suffer from this syndrome.

          • Lydia Alexandra

            numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra Thank you for your good wishes. I am now waiting for a letter for an appointment for surgery. It might be a few months who knows, and in a way I'm preparing to take care of myself while I can't walk. It could be worse,MoreImagine if it were cancer and I had to get chemo not knowing where my tomorrow is. And that's the way it is, that's the way things are. Best wishes to all the lovely people I have communicated with, no goodbyes, keep in touch but thanks. It's not that easy to talk about - guess what my son left me. Greetings to all xxx
          • The writer

            Lydia Alexandranumberfiveminusone As parents we can only do our best, then pray and hope for the best. Many young adults are like your son. Parents give them the best education and everything they can afford. Once they've made it, they turn their backs on their elderly parents. Some daughters are like that too. Once they meet someone they obsess over, they will just let their parents down. All she cares about is the man in her life. It's a vicious circle because the same would happen to them when they get old.

            Something is also happening in the East. Today's Chinese young adults have all but forgotten the Confucius/Kung Fu Tzhi concept of filial piety. The best thing is not to expect too much from our children, lest we be too disappointed. How many children you have is no longer relevant. If one child cuts you off, the others might follow suit, believing it will save them from wasting time, energy, and resources on people who have become a nuisance to them. Parents grow old and dependent financially, physically, and emotionally.

            Many young adults today help their parents and then leave them to suffer alone in old age. This is the reality of the 21st century. Things will only get worse over time. That's what the world calls progress LOL. People are getting more and more impersonal, rude, disloyal and indifferent, so just accept it and move on. There's no point in wasting your life. If they need you, they will come back. If they don't need you, they cut you off. Only parents love unconditionally. kids never do that.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra Hello, Thank you for taking the time to reply. Just got home from an appointment with the specialist, nothing serious but the MRI scan results say I'm going to have knee surgery now. I was given 4 sheets of paper to fill out, a preoperative assessment,Moreand when it came to next of kin, I deleted my son's data. A couple of times when he was rushed to the ambulance or taken to the hospital (I have degenerative arthritis from neck to toe and sometimes I have a total seizure and can't move, go to the bathroom etc) he was upset about me calling him from his work. I felt pathetic today telling the nurse that when I get back home I won't have anyone to take care of things as I have to be on my feet for some time. Years of working, paying and caring - I'm angry at myself for giving so much of myself.
        • Gena Gaddis

          Lydia AlexandranZahlfünfminuseins

          heartbreaking. I am sorry

  • Golddarnit123

    The thing is, my parents would NEVER admit that anything was their fault. Giving all this advice on recognizing your mistakes and discussing them only works if both sides are willing to do it. My parents would never admit their mistakes. They would twist my words to make me guilty.MoreYou have never acted as a parent for me. In some cases, these relationships really can't be saved. And some of the parents reading this would think "I'm not, I'm not that kind of person" without looking too closely. I'm not saying that all parents are to blame for their children cutting them out of their lives, I'm saying that so many parents don't realize their own mistakes. I'm only 19, but once I've paid my parents' tuition fees in full (I don't want to 'owe' them anything), I'll put an end to them. I could call them on their birthdays, but I don't intend to communicate with them any further. I can honestly say that my parents are horrible people and I just can't imagine reconciling with them. I may just be "immature" or "misguided," but I know my life will be better without my so-called parents. Thank you for reading.
    • number five minus one

      @ Goldendarnit123

      This is a difficult situation. It's important to listen to your kids and I understand why you got angry and frustrated with your parents. Good luck at school.

  • tc tip

    I stopped by to help someone else as much as a person is capable and I read on. That's when I realized... .we must all be related! We all have the same family!!!!! I had no idea how big my family really is!MoreWe all need to smile every now and then!
  • Miss my daughter

    I totally agree. Personally, I have given up trying to reach my child. I still love her very much. I think of her every day. But like a messy divorce, I know I have to let it go. It never stops hurting. A consultant advised meMorehold a funeral or memorial service. Because unlike the loss of a child through death, there is no conclusion. am i stronger now no will i ever forget her no Constantly going through life thinking about what could have been is not really living. I only have one life and it's precious and worth living after all. If your child stays away as long as mine, you won't really know that person anymore. I remember my daughter as she was in 2006. That was the last time I really spent time with her or spoke to her. Now she's in her late 30's and I don't know who she is or what she's like. Her father and sister miss her too. What can we do but live without them?
    • further

      Missmydaughter I am truly sorry for your trauma regarding your daughter's silence. However, I was surprised by your counselor's advice to have a funeral or memorial service for her. Surely these opportunities are for the dead, and your daughter is not. She lives and as long as she existsMoreLife there is hope. I often wonder where these so-called experts stay. Your daughter has gone away for a while, so I think in the meantime it's up to us to move on with our lives so that if and when there is a breakthrough, both parties are in the best position to start a new relationship, which I hope will be much is stronger than the last. If there is no reconciliation, then at least we haven't wasted our precious time yearning for something that's gone.
      • Rune

        carry onMismydaughter

        Perhaps it's more about calming the immediacy and grief - not a funeral, but something kind, gentle, and symbolic to open up the loss and create acceptance, which could then ease the parent toward the ease of letting go and moving on.

  • Also

    I do not consent to the parent continuing to speak up when an adult child has made it clear through both behavior and words that he/she does not want a relationship with the parent. Reason: We raise our children on a path of independence, autonomy and identity. If it was roughMoreNeglect or general abuse by the parents, the child has the right to try to break the ties. Any parent who continues to seek contact is perpetuating the abuse. The child should report molestation if the parent insists. When the child breaks ties out of a sense of unfulfilled entitlement; let her go and learn how to make money. Keep sending birthday cards; Without money. Do not extend invitations to dinner or vacations. Invite them out for walks, dinners at home, and never reinforce an invitation to contact with a material addendum. If the adult child is abusive, the parents should disconnect and tell the adult child the reasons why. Mutual respect is a fundamental expectation of any relationship. The adult parent-child relationship is no exception. If the abuse is non-violent and there is no safety concern, offer to talk about issues, attend therapy, and work alongside them. Under no circumstances should you send a message that abuse will be tolerated because it is your child and you love them unconditionally. Loving unconditionally is not a free pass for parental abuse. Loving unconditionally means you are able and open to forgive and forget and move forward. It doesn't mean keep hitting me in the face, heart, or bank account; I will still love you! That's a very dysfunctional message to send. While you are no longer in a parenting role with your children; You remain a guide in your own adult journey, and you have a responsibility to uphold responsible and respectable role models in your family relationships, for the future of your family inheritance falls to them. Ensure the integrity of your family lineage, values, and family culture, and appreciate all the sacrifices you made to give them a better life. Teach them to respect themselves by modeling how you would like to be treated.
    • listeners

      So agree that once an adult - adult child or not - has made it clear that he/she doesn't want a relationship, then sad as it is for the parents, it's time to end it. Giving the person space is an act of love. When a loved one asks for space, isn't it an act of love to give that person the requested space? "If there has been gross neglect or general abuse, the child has the right to try to break the ties." I disagree with this comment. I agree that physical abuse, sexual abuse, and certain forms of "emotional abuse" provide reasonable grounds for an adult child to break off their relationship with their parents. Of the 3 categories, 1 and 2 are fairly objective based. #3, Emotional abuse is very subjective. Reasonable opinions may differ on some forms of emotional abuse. What is "gross negligence"? Reasonable minds may disagree. What is generalized abuse? Reasonable minds will differ. I agree that EVERY adult child has "the right" to "disconnect" — for whatever reason. Doesn't do it "right" (as in ethical, moral, compassionate, empathic, kind, considerate, loving, etc.). An adult child can do this for any reason. In my opinion this is wrong. In my opinion, 2 wrongs don't make a right. And I think there is far, far too much clipping going on in our world right now by adult children, especially young adults, who have subjectively viewed their parents as "too toxic," whatever that might be. There is a staggering number of parents in this world right now who have become alienated from their adult children because the adult child has chosen to cut off the parent for that category of perceived "emotional abuse" and when you peel off the layers, it's just not there, objectively. Nothing is worse than a parent who is too strict with the growing child, has rules that the child didn't like and crap like that. These adult children are mostly young adults who are seeking therapy after they reach adulthood and, like most people, are trying to come to terms with their childhood, upbringing, and parenting. These young adults meet cheap, inexperienced therapists who appear to recommend to young adults a course of action to deal with the people in the young adult's life who are "too toxic" for the young adult by cutting that person off. I'm not stupid enough to say that this approach is never appropriate, but given the numbers by which this is done, it's equally foolish to think that in most of these cases, the parents objectively deserve this harsh result. Parents make mistakes. Raising a child is not perfect. I have yet to meet a parent who has set out to be the worst parent ever. ALL parents have children hoping to be great parents - 100% of the time that's the intent. And yet mistakes happen. imperfections happen. Children test the boundaries set by their parents. Some children test boundaries more than others. And sometimes that testing becomes a battle of wills and control issues manifest. And sometimes parents are having bad days, being in a bad mood, feeling impatient, sick, tired, etc. There are endless variables that contribute to conflict. Are we to say that in 100% of these conflicts, the parents are ALWAYS "to blame" and if the parents didn't act with "perfection" (whatever that is), then the parents were "emotionally abusive" and therefore "too toxic, and should it therefore be excluded from the life of the young adult?

      If people don't talk, nothing gets resolved. Someone has to be the bigger person. I suggest that in those instances where the complaint or complaints are nothing more than perceived "emotional abuse" (or as you put it, "gross neglect"), these young adults need to reach out to their parents. Take some time for yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin and circle back with your parents and seek peace and love in your family of origin. These supposedly "toxic" parents changed your diapers. Not just once. Every day.

  • JHB

    I have three adult children. Two don't speak to me. They are children of a very early divorce. I raised her alone, I never remarried. Her father is a narcissist who abused and belittled me for many years. He remarried immediately and had two more kids (who also seem pretty screwed up to me)... My daughter I think is BPD... she interrupts me and other people a lot. Being with her is like walking on eggshells, you never know what's in store for you. I have tried to get her help, sat with her on the phone for hours through many panic attacks, picked her up and brought her home when her boyfriend left her in another city... the list goes on and on... . but she quickly finds every reason to cut me off and be angry with me. My older son and I also had a distant but civilized and supportive relationship...I think he suffers from a mild form of Aspbergers...very very intelligent and successful, just distant. He lives far away but stops by often and usually finds a meal to share with me...but still

    spent most of his time with his father's family. I once asked him why...his answer was great...he said "It's not that I love him more, we just have more in common, like to do the same things etc.) That was good enough for me. At that point I could handle a come here/go away relationship with my daughter and an OK relationship with my older son... and then it happened! I found out by accident that my son had an illegitimate child ( not a big deal to me ) ) and I had a granddaughter. I loved it! I contacted my son and he turned me off. Refused to talk to me about it.... kept my calls, texts and emails ignored...most were I just told him how much I love him...I found out later that my ex-husband had known, although the story my son told everyone about this little girl and her Mother told a lie was After about 2 months, quite by accident again, I I got di Found e mom on FBook... I was with a friend and he reached out to her... long story short she contacted me... I responded... However before I responded I did Written to my son asking him more T If he could talk about answer. I decided, with the help of a therapist, to meet my granddaughter. I flew 4 hours and spent a weekend with her and her mother. You are both amazing!!..during my visit both my daughter and my ex-husband sent me horrible, vile, degrading messages telling me that I was no longer welcome in "their family" and that I locked everyone out forever. One thing and the most important thing I left out is that I have another son...he is the only one who is married, a teacher, and he and his wife

    are wonderful people and wonderful to me. They told me they are proud of me... my 88 year old father is proud of me... for reaching out to the granddaughter who my son does not want to acknowledge or see (he has been sentenced to pay child support and so is) Thanks for listening...and also, today is my granddaughter's birthday...she's 10...I've only been in her life a few months.

    I've gained a granddaughter and lost a child... Every day I weep for my lost children...but I feel like we're on a path that sometimes we realize is far behind.

    I just wrote this as a cathartic way of getting my story out there. I wish you all a less painful day and a happy ending!

    • NL mother

      @JHB Loved your comment: "We are on a path that we sometimes don't realize." My son took me out of his life, I struggle with that daily and try my best to move on and be thankful for everything else I do to have. Your words have given me somethingMoreto think about something. I believe everything happens for a reason.
    • listeners

      @JHB That's a wonderful story! Good for you. Life has its share of heartaches, but there are rewards in the end. The fact that you can now enjoy a relationship with your granddaughter is so rewarding for everything you've been through. way toMoreHeads up. It seems to me that you are a living, beautiful example to your adult children of how to maintain your dignity and live your life with class. You know, they say the measure of a person isn't who they react to when times are good, it's how they react when things get tough. You have been tested by setbacks in your life, and every moment you spend with your grandchild is a moment of reward for your perseverance. I hope you are happy with how things have turned out.
  • citizen mm

    I cut ties with an abusive parent. I had to cut ties with an abusive NPD mother, but I gave her boundaries (which she completely ignores) and took her to 3 different therapists (whom she completely ignored) before cutting contact. And I still send her cards and offered to communicate in writing (she will not be abusive in printed matter, as it cannot be kept secret). She decides not to write. I mourn the relationship I never had with my mother.

    My own son cut off all contact with me when his wife molested him and threatened to take his child away from him if he didn't. Up to this point we were very close and he told me he didn't understand why his wife didn't like me as I had been nothing but kind and accepting to her. His wife was threatened by someone close to him and saw me as an enemy. She once texted me saying, "I'm the woman, I'll always win." I didn't know there was a competition. She has forbidden him to go to therapy.

    Allowing my mother to abuse me for years without enforcing boundaries set a bad example for my son. Now he is a co-dependent who enables his wife's bad behavior and becomes a bad role model for his own son. The cycle of abuse continues. And I mourn that I never had the chance to be a grandmother to my grandson.

    • listeners

      Citizenmm Considering what you have shared, your decision to distance yourself is reasonable. I especially love that you keep sending your mother cards etc. This shows compassion on your part. I am sorry for your losses. It's clearly not your fault. You were born into a family of a fewMoreProblems, and these are the circumstances that fate has in store for you. You are a wise and beautiful person able to see the circle of your life and understand how you have shared it. I hope that when the time comes, like now, you'll take what's yours and go out and enjoy it.
      • GingerMayor

        AListenercitizenmm My goodness AListener, I am touched by your answer. Having seen a cycle of behavioral patterns play out in my own family, I also think Citizenmm is wise to see a circle in their life and also nice to have such a perspective. I like the comment to take what's yoursMoreand go out and enjoy - that is close to my heart and I work on it every day. It's hard when things aren't the way I want them to be, but I think I have to take the good that's here and enjoy it.
        • citizen mm

          GingerMaynorAListenercitizenmm Thank you for the kind words. The shame of not being loved by mother, father and child can sometimes be unbearable and crush my self-esteem. I'm doing the best I can as I believe we all are.
  • Jennifer Smith

    I have to disagree with your comments about extreme distancing. They claim that "the person performing the clipping has difficulty solving the problem directly and maturely." In certain situations this is an absolute false statement. I am a 62 year old woman with three adult childrenMoreheavily contaminated by my parents, an alcoholic NPD father and a mentally ill mother. Two years ago I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and for the last two years I have undergone extensive therapy to help me heal from the trauma. There is not enough space to go into the facts about cellular DNA, but my children were heavily influenced by my parents, especially my mother, who told them from the day they were born that I was nothing but a troublemaker, not a good mother and so on. You were programmed to hate me from day one. My biggest mistake was not keeping her away from her and my father. Since my divorce 26 years ago, I have worked so hard to improve my relationship with my children. I went into therapy, learned all sorts of things about narcissistic personality disorder and codependency in toxic families, and practically turned myself inside out. did i make mistakes Sure I did, but the physical, mental, and emotional abuse stopped on me. Now that I no longer partake in the toxic behavior my entire family still partakes in, I have been gassed, criticized, verbally abused, alienated and the list goes on and on. I have made the decision to "keep out of contact" with all members of my family and I have made that decision with very clear mind, wisdom and maturity. My relationship with my family has been extremely unhealthy and if there is to be healing it can only come through distancing. If you truly want to help others heal, you should learn more about narcissistic personality disorder and codependency. A good place to start is to listen to Lisa A Romano, who is a life coach specializing in childhood trauma and abuse. A person cannot take control of their own life until they know about the Self.
    • listeners

      @Jennifer Smith Thank you for sharing your perspective and views on your individual situation. It is very insightful and I think it provides an appropriate context for this major societal issue. In reviewing your post, I certainly agree that your decision to seek boundaries for yourself is appropriate. Given what you haveMoredivided, I must acknowledge that your situation is a reasonable choice to distance yourself from those who cause you severe emotional harm such as you describe. No rational argument could be made to the contrary that you should remain in these family relationships and put up with them. That being said, I find that most of the estranged parents who visit this site and exchange comments are grieving estrangements and the underlying roots of your story don't seem remotely similar. There are also some young adult children who have chosen to alienate on this site who have shared their choices, and while it's not always possible to fully appreciate what's going on in these family situations, it doesn't seem to either that the underlying roots reflect your situation. I have written elsewhere here that personality disorders lead to alienation and your story is an excellent example. The problem with most alienation happening today is not like that. It seems to be a new psychology for young adults in therapy, speaking to a therapist about their life and themselves, and at this point in their lives, naturally engaging with their family, their upbringing, and yes, their parents. It seems "fashionable" to suggest these young adults distance themselves from "toxic" parents or "toxic relationships." Whatever it is. It's all so very subjective. I suspect that many of these therapists are young and inexpensive and heard about this "theory" in school and are now flocking this recommendation to the young adults who come to them, and it has had explosive effects.
    • citizen mm

      @Jennifer Smith - My son was made to disrespect me his whole life by my mother (vicious undercover NPD) but I thought he was stronger. He was not. I've been scapegoated and gassed by my family my entire life. Until I was counseled I just thought it was me, that I was unsympathetic.

      My adult son broke ties with me after marrying a malignant covert narcissist/BPD who, after catching him with a pregnancy, insisted he cut ties with me or lose his child. I did nothing but support this girl, a big mistake

      I too did not have to contact my family as they were all involved in this dysfunctional behavior and now my son is repeating this horrific cycle of dysfunction. I've heard both Lisa Romano and Richard Grannon. Both helped me a lot, along with the therapy. I only wish I had learned more sooner.

  • mollymolly1

    Today is my birthday, I'm 54, I emailed my son the following, I'm not expecting a response and that's ok, I'm trying, as a mom,

    Dear Sean,

    I love you, I miss you, I hope you are well and I will always love you no matter what, I am so proud to be your mother.

    Unfortunately, hurting you and Sophie is the biggest mistake, and I know that simply saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough. I have no defense, I know my mistakes. having you was the happiest moment of my life I think (even though I know I wasn't a great mom) you know.

    Please remember Nan, we hurt her too, I want my mom to be proud of you and me.

    I am writing this letter, I am not going to bother you, beg, be emotional so please understand my options are limited as respecting you and Sophie is important to me.

    I thought about finding a matchmaker, friend or family member to come up to you with an olive branch. As you may be receptive to hearing from someone else as my writing is so inadequate I felt that if someone spoke to you directly the intention would be that you would know that I will not give up regardless from the result. However, I have decided against it as you and I do not discuss this with friends or family. No one but me has the ability or leverage to ask you to change your mind.

    Take more time, I agree to all the rules you and Sophie need, please.

    Loving You


    Sent from my iPad

    • number five minus one


      Molly, I want to thank you for your kind words after posting my story. They comforted me. I really hope things get better with your son soon. You try and that's all you can do. The rest is up to him. God bless.

  • mollymolly1

    I copy this as the advice helps, my son will not define my attitude, anger and pain I feel harm me and my well being, I always send him positive cards, email with happy messages , I believe , Parents must always forgive, even if there is no answer, it is a good example to show or teach a child that we owe our existence to

    You might want to consider Googling "Parental Alienation Syndrome". There is a world of information at your fingertips to peruse. You may get some insight into what's going on with your children, and maybe some answers, although you may not be very comforted by the answers. When we know the root causes of a personal problem, the path out of that problem often becomes clearer and eventually emerges for us to see and act upon. It will be important to understand the root causes of the crack. I will also point out that the problem you describe will not be fixed quickly. It will take time and you have to be patient. I've read and digested a lot on this subject, throwing aside some information that didn't appeal to me while I found other information that really touched me. One such idea that I want to share is the idea of ​​focusing on giving only positive energy to your children. Whenever you communicate with your children, whether it's a card, letter, email, or voice message, make it loving and positive. "I love you". "I miss you." "I hope you are well" and "I look forward to a time when we can reconnect". "I will always love you no matter what". "I'm so proud to be your mother"...etc. Stay away from "problems" - this will not do any good in the short term. You may need to send nothing but positive energy for 5 years (or more!), but have hope that these messages will be received and your love felt. It's one of those things where, if you've done it for an incredibly long time with no response, you'd look back with pride at your decision to treat yourself with class and dignity. No negative energy. You have to accept that there is no good in directing negative energy in your children's direction. What they need from you as their mother at this point in their life may be nothing but pure love!! so give it And believe that good things will ultimately come to you through the positive energy you send out into the universe. love yourself!!! That's so important

  • mollymolly1

    I feel your pain and need, please take comfort in knowing what a wonderful person and parent you are. Adult children behave terribly, sometimes knowing that mom and dad will love them unconditionally, they also make wrong decisions, break out, my son has not contacted me for two years becauseMoreI wrongly meddled with his girlfriend, as a single mom, I've supported many troubles and believed our bond was unbreakable, now I see a part of him, his lack of compassion, his forgiveness towards me, but I'm trying to carry on the remaining one gap is huge we can only forgive and forget these times so let's stay good parents when they come back xxx
  • mollymolly1

    Sadness and pain, permeates our posts as estranged parents, I seek advice and support through posts, and I believe we would expend neither the time nor effort, which in itself makes us good parents, so many different reasons, circumstances, but one common Boden, for two years I have been punishing myself and looking for a solutionMorewith a 30 year old man, i know the reasons why he decided to let me out, i accept that i was wrong to interfere in his relationship, i have apologized via text email and voicemail with no response , friends and family are beginning to misjudge his attitude toward me, which means I have to keep my pain to myself to avoid speaking unkindly about it, as parents who always want our children to be protected from criticism from others, and saying how proud I am of his job, new house etc., my anger, pain and disappointment that he feels so little, compassion, even guilt that he didn't teach him values, as a single mom in a difficult time downtown i was both his disciplinarian and supervisor coping with teenage issues we became peers strong and independent i now realize we are alike and he learned from me how to deal with handles difficult people by removing us thats how he deals with me now i have amazing memories and photos i would not change a moment of the challenge of getting him up m I try to stay strong through yoga, therapy, I remember the commitment I made when he was born and the determination and courage I had, a new me needs to evolve, face new challenges, as he is happy and healthy, I owe it us both to start a new life until one day i hear hi mom......again god bless you all x
  • further

    I just read "5 Things You Can Do" about parents who are estranged from their children, and while the advice given may work for younger adult children who have separated their parents, I think there is a time , in which we must face the fact that we are notMoreDealing with children, but with responsible adults. It's not the first time that my now 43-year-old daughter has cut me out of her life. However, this time everything is different. My daughter is going into middle age. She hasn't spoken to her father in over 10 years, and she cut her sister off as well. In our last conversation, she told me that her in-laws are now her family and she no longer wanted any contact with me. I don't think my daughter could have formulated her wishes more succinctly. What I heard was a well educated adult sharing her decision. I moved on with my life because there's no point craving something that's gone. She didn't recognize Mother's Day or my birthday. It hurt and there's no way I'm going to pretend otherwise. Therefore I do not send birthday or Christmas cards. It's my daughter's decision to cut me off and I have to respect that decision.
    • listeners

      keep going Good for you!
    • mollymolly1

      I agree and find the strength to do the same reading your post, your daughter not only has you, but also her father and sister, parental love unconditionally, but as a grown woman, she made a choice , my goodness son is 30, I turn around out of anger at his lackMoreout of compassion, concern that this attitude might affect relationships, he is as attached to his in-laws as you are i have no choice but to move on, i will continue to send him a birth card as the day he was born was that The happiest day of my life, I won't get any cards back but that's his problem, I wish you the best
      • The writer

        mollymolly1 A son or daughter's in-laws could pose a danger to unsuspecting parents who eventually become cut off from their adult children who are under the undue influence of such in-laws.
    • Spirited lady

      I understand what you're saying. I wonder if there are grandchildren. If so, do they live with their mother? Are you on your own? do you have a relationship with them I think it's such a loss for kids when they break off emotionally with someoneMorehealthy grandparents. The biggest loss is for the grandchildren.
      • further

        Spirited lady moves on Luckily my daughter doesn't have any children. Breaking off a relationship with parents is one thing; Denying that parent access to their grandchildren is a different matter entirely. If, in my opinion, that decision involves the alienation of a sane grandparent, it is selfishness on the partMoreThe grown child is overwhelming and absolutely unforgivable.
  • purple lace

    I just came across this quote and thought I'd pass it along.

    Nothing is more debilitating than taking care of something

    you can't do anything about it. And you can't do anything for your adult

    Children. You can wish for something better for them and maybe even start caring for them

    something for them, but you can't harm anyone in the long run

    other vibrations besides holding them in the best light you can, mentally and

    then project that onto them. And sometimes distance matters even more

    possible than to be very close to them.


  • schön

    So far the meds are helping me control my daily bouts of crying, but the heaviness in my chest is still choking.

    I learned that money can divide families, good and bad.

    My ex has informed my son Jacob that he will leave him his entire fortune to be responsible for all the siblings. But recently Jacob also disowned me because he only sees me as an acquaintance. Rudy has always been in control of money and has always used it to divide people, especially his own family. The very act of allowing Jacob to oversee monies made him make a choice, if he takes care of Rudy he gets money, if he has a good relationship with me then Rudy will hand over the management of his monies to the other siblings delegate.

    I can't buy Jacob a new car, pay for school, insurance or food, the money won another child.

    Yes, it is painful, but in my opinion they are actually hurting each other by doing this. I see no turning point.

    The memories of my experience with my children were fantastic, I loved being a mom, volunteering at school, taking swimming lessons, playing water polo and being a Boy Scout. I know I've been good to them, but creepy Rudy the ex always scared me. We couldn't even smile or giggle in the house so he wouldn't get angry. Rudy won the kids with promises and gifts of money, but actually they are the losers.

    • Gena Gaddis

      chokonoko My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry this is happening. I share a similar experience.
    • GingerMayor

      chokonoko I, too, have seen members of my extended family who control money. Unfortunately, the one with the money is divisive and mostly interested in how others can benefit them. In fact, when family members are divided, it empowers him. I hoped that as the "kids" grew older (22 and 24 now) they would be able to see through his deception, but I don't think they ever will at this point.

      These adult children show little regard for their grandparents, speaking only to them when the grandparents initiate a conversation and never visiting even though they live only an hour away. I am their aunt and attend their special events and give them gifts, but I have never received a thank you letter. Of course, there is nothing we can do for these "kids" other than love and support them, which they don't seem to appreciate.

      They show support for their father, but show very little respect for their mother and others. These children are even disrespectful to their boyfriends and girlfriends. What they are missing is enormous. Things like developing integrity, knowing how to love and receiving love, and strength of character are lacking. As for me, I cannot stay close to a family that has such unhealthy dynamics. I had to distance myself for my own sanity and peace of mind. Unfortunately, this is a lose-lose-lose situation.

  • Miss my daughter

    i know what you say There's not much you can do to improve the situation if it's a one-way communication.
  • don't miss anyone

    This is BS : “You didn't cause the relationship breakup; it wasn't your choice". Being an estranged daughter myself, I tend to treat my parents the same way they treat me.

    I am a daughter of a second wife with whom my father only visits my mother once a week. When they are together they will lock themselves in the bedroom and leave me alone for the rest of my life. My father never picks me up from school, remembers my birthday, we never have family vacations. I register at the university alone. I do practically everything by myself. The only support they give is some money. We're not rich, we just have enough.

    As for my mother. She comes home tired from work, technically she's like a single mom as my dad chose to stay with his first wife. I often ignored at night. There is no family dinner. There is also no outside dining. There are dinners on the dining table, just grab the food and I'll eat alone in my room or in front of the TV. She sends me to my aunt's every school holiday. School holidays are something I never look forward to either.

    So mom and dad it's just too bad I'd rather be with my own family in my own home than yours. I've never stayed with them since I got married. Every time they invite me to dinner, I will attend, but with a big sigh.

    I cannot be changed. you made me what i am We never say we love each other when we're together. I have my own family now. My daughter and my husband love me. i am happy here You are my real family.

    Dear parents, as you treat your child, your child will treat you when it grows up. Good luck with your choice.

    • Jenny93

      don't miss anyone Thank you for your reply! I, too, was upset when I first read the passage: "You did not cause the relationship to break up; it was not your choice." What a crap!

      As a daughter with a narcissistic, absent-minded father and an emotionally distant mother, it is their fault that I was raised in such a loveless environment. I am the product of an abusive relationship. Don't blame the victim.

      • purple lace

        Jenny93 don't miss anyone

        Jenny I really feel for you, I can tell you it hurts you. Have you ever thought that maybe your mother didn't get a lot of love and attention as a child? We cannot give what we do not have. As a mother, I can't imagine a mother not loving her child. Could it be that she loves you and cares about you but can't show it? Please think before throwing away anything that could be of great value.

    • beyond sad paw and not

      don't miss anyone, i'm so sorry you had that childhood growing up. mine liked it too, only it was worse. I was left alone early, but totally alone by the time I was 15. Homeless. I raised my children with love and friendship. So much love. Too much ofMoreFriendship. They were rude and ungrateful. They have now cut off their father and me. The worst is the grandchildren. So, dear children, how you were treated as a child doesn't matter how they will treat you when they are all grown up.
  • by DebraDee

    I've been on both sides of the fence. I was estranged from my parents for 20 years and now my daughter is estranged from us. My parents were controlling and manipulative as a child, my father was an alcoholic. I was overwhelmed because nothing was good enough and the demands were more than I could handle with a newborn. We finally got back together years later, but it caused even more damage between my sister and I. We never got along and that made her absolutely toxic that I would come back and she could lose control (I later found out that she had stolen everything my parents had and made her totally dependent on her, but because I was not in the picture there was nothing I could do). I never felt like my parents completely forgave me, but I had to do it to stay sane at the time.

    Now my daughter, who went to a liberal college, is doing the same to me. I made it a point not to be overbearing and demanding (probably did the exact opposite and was too easygoing). She said she was upset that we didn't pay for her private college — even though we loaned her thousands to finish it when the loans dried up, which she never repaid (and we could barely afford). The tuition was double what we both earned in one year! I think it was the teachers who pushed a legitimate liberal agenda on her and made her turn against her parents because other kids' parents in their overpriced school were paying the bills and theirs couldn't. She felt entitled and resented having to take out loans. I don't understand why this is our fault, but apparently she thinks that's reason enough to leave your family. The real thrill was when I hadn't heard from her in over a year, but she found out that I had given her sister (who is always in touch) a small gift. After that, she didn't even reply to my text messages. She was selfish, demanding, entitled and somehow it's our fault she had to find a job and pay her own bills when we decided to move to another city and told her she had to find an apartment if she didn't want to move to. She was 23, had graduated from college and had an amazing job. She was angry that we wanted to follow our own dreams and wouldn't support her forever. I really don't know how to fix it now other than wait for her to "grow up". I think this may take more than my life and have come to terms with the fact that this may never be fixed, even though it hurts a lot. For 5-6 years without improvement. I came to terms with it and was told by a counselor that something like this can be intergenerational. I think she was right.

    • needs to be managed

      DebraDeeko I think your daughter feels very hurt and maybe not important in your life even though you most likely were great parents! If it were me, I'd probably send her birthday cards and Christmas cards without demanding her attention (since she's already more than self-absorbed).MoreSometimes less is more and one day she will grow up and see her mistakes as I tell people college is NOT a necessity its a luxury you can afford it or not! All you have to do is admit that you did your best and leave the rest in God's hands!
      • by DebraDee

        mustbeheardDebraDeeko Thank you, that's pretty much what I did and I think you nailed it with that self-centered remark. I finally did what the people here suggested and sent her a short message with no expectations saying nothing more than I love you. She responded with a dialogue that wasMorevery funny, but at least she answered. When I say weird, I mean she wanted to chide me for not being more "global" and "progressive" (we're moderately conservative)... but at least it's dialogue. I have no idea where to go from here. Every text becomes an argument for progressive politics. It's almost like she joined a cult and was brainwashed. I remain neutral and she still wants to argue. If I ask about her job or her boyfriend or anything personal, she directs it back to politics. *sigh* So I guess I'll just try and wait... I just find these "conversations" exhausting, always having to defend my OWN opinion, which is constantly being attacked. Many Thanks.
  • mollymolly1

    I get very distressed when I read the stories of heartbreak we endure because our children chose not to love us or at least forgive us, their mother or father.
    • The writer

      mollymolly1 One day they will realize their stubbornness and that they are not that smart after all. Or if they insist, one day their own children will do it to them. In the East we call this karma. It's like what goes around comes around.
  • schön

    My first visit to the psychologist went well. Of course it's just my first, but I want to improve. Correction! No, don't improve!

    But to find out what I can do for myself, how to deal with this heartbreak.

    I am mentally ready for the long haul and see no end to their "boycott" and mind control of my son Ethan.

    I actually miss my son more than my daughter, even though I don't see my grandchildren.

    Many reasons are he struggled with his high functioning autism for years, I never gave up on him, IEP was with me all the time. As a volunteer reader at school, I was his advocate. Taking him to the Boy Scouts to build his social skills and experience camping and backpacking in the Sierras, a feat he initially never thought he could pull off. Most schools ensure that Special Ed students graduate with a "certificate," but Ethan wanted a real diploma and, despite his learning disability, worked extremely hard to finally get a proper degree.

    The doctor stated to let her know the door is open, an open door policy.

    Ethan knows this, but my daughter will never back down.

    In the past my daughter has had friends, actually best friends, even my grandson's godmother, and disowned them, never to communicate again and to strive to be friends again. She cuts them off like she's taking a trash can and flushes them down the toilet, out of sight and out of mind.

    Her boyfriend delights in pouring poison on any person he interacts with, and my daughter has embraced his mindset to do the same.

    Just as an example, he said horrible "slap" to an overweight woman he met, my daughter laughed at her but my daughter is 260lbs at 5'10".

    What does he think about my daughter? His girlfriend and mother of his children.

    I saw them in action and felt that I might be on their hit list too. Yes, she got a cheap 10 year lease, but I have no extra income to buy her stuff to buy extras for my grandkids.

    My ex, on his $150,000 income, paid for her four cars, paid for car insurance, bought her groceries, paid for all the extras, her cell phone, etc.

    She is fine with her father, he always had the money, the power.

    Ethan and Jacob have an attitude like me, work and pay your own bills, do what is best for yourself, that every decision you make now is a decision for your family in the future, or if you don't choose children , this is your choice., but above all, be kind and respectful to yourself and others.

    I was never a "Kravitz" mom, never suffocating, I just did my best.

  • Steve Drettler

    I have been estranged from my only daughter and child for 15 years and have been heartbroken ever since, the divorce started this cycle and I send notes and birthday and anniversary wishes via facebook and small notes. No answer I am a healthy young man, look 77 and my daughter is 36. Any adviceMoreplease the time is running out!!!
    • The writer

      Steve Drettler Believe me, she's suffering just like you and she'll regret it. I feel for you.
    • GingerMayor

      Steve Drettler I am very sorry for the estrangement from your only child. There is so much pain being posted here, but there is some comfort in knowing we are not alone. I like what you're doing with posting birthday wishes on Facebook and little notes, because that's how it isMorelets her know that you hold the door open for her. In addition, I believe that the responsibility lies with her to take the next steps in communication. (At least she didn't ban you from her Facebook account.) Since this apparently happened during a divorce, I wonder if maybe her mother negatively influenced her perception. I hope she changes her mind at some point. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice for you other than do what you are already doing and take care of yourself. The stress of all this emotional upheaval is taking its toll.
      • Miss my daughter

        I haven't heard from my older daughter for 10 years. My husband and I have been married for 45 years and have a very close relationship. We love our two children very much and raised them with love and a lot of attention. Our younger daughter isMoreclose and loving. She is also hurt by this as her sister also cut her off. We try to contact our estranged daughter but she never answers. We even traveled two days to see her twice and were not allowed through her door nor did she want to speak to us. We are heartbroken and confused because we have no idea what we did wrong or what is on her mind. I would like to find a support group. I didn't have any success with that. This makes me feel very alone.
        • GingerMayor

          Missmydaughter It's the feeling of being alone that's hard. There are also no self-help groups in my area. Sometimes I think it would be nice to sit with other people and have coffee and chat, but I don't think there is such a thing. Ten years is longMoreTime. Bless you for your efforts on behalf of your daughter. I'm guessing she's in her 40s. I really wonder if when someone goes out into the world and has their own experiences that begin to shape their reality, those aspects become who they are, regardless of how they were raised. Sometimes memories are short and people don't even think about their upbringing anymore.
  • sad mother

    Reading the posts, I see that I'm not the only parent going through this. My 22 year old daughter positively moved out about a year ago. Went to school, worked and then just called me for a few months sobbing that she couldn't take itMoremore and was exhausted and dropped out of school temporarily. Then she decided to move home and finish school. Once again she told us that she would not move home and would not go to school anymore. She can barely support herself from her minimum wage job and had to ask us for rent money. I gave it to her of course. Now she chooses when to reply to my messages. If she needs something in our house, she makes sure that we are not at home. We see that she communicates with two people who influence her. She's a smart girl, but somehow these people have an influence on her. It kills me to see them manipulated and their parents cut off by these people. Do we wait or do we keep trying to reach them? I just don't know what to do at this point.
    • The writer

      @Sad mom Let her grow up. Anyone who can be influenced by others in such a serious matter is immature.
    • needs to be managed

      @Sad Mom seems college isn't for everyone and maybe the people surrounding her are telling her to treat you the way she does. I would probably talk to her and maybe suggest something she could learn at a trade school, since it's a lot less school, andMoreshe can earn enough to take care of herself! I wouldn't pay for it though, that would be her responsibility, in the meantime I would build her self esteem and let her know she's smart and can do anything she wants! Another thing to try is get a catalog book that includes electronics, appliances, and furniture and pretend she's going to buy something today for her minimum wage (and then say it's being turned down because of the minimum wage is never enough). Now let her pretend to catalog shop for, say, a dental hygienist salary and see how much more dental hygienist salary she can buy! It worked for my daughter, she is now a mechanical engineer! JMO, best wishes
  • Bob the number bear

    Estranged from my daughter after my wife and I went through a rough divorce. I'll admit two mistakes: First, I spoiled my daughter excessively, paid her the first two years of college, but when she was home she did nothing. The only thing I asked for was that she attend to the needs of her pets (2 cats). I tried to speak at first but started screaming after the carpets, curtains and my tools were soaked in cat urine. The Illinois court system forces me to pay a significant portion of the balance of her college tuition and also finds that she is right to offend me.

    Haven't received any text, phone call, no contact other than her signature confirming checks.

    Could use some advice.

    • The writer

      Bob the Number Bear That kind of kid doesn't deserve you.
    • needs to be managed

      Bob the Number Bear I would still send her cards without begging her so she would know I still love her. Ignoring her will only make it worse as it sends a signal that she doesn't have to be that important or that you don't love her since she might interest you lessMoreis gone!! Send the card with no money and don't beg her, just let her know that she is loved and missed dearly and that she doesn't have to choose sides, she's grown up!
    • further

      Bob the Number Bear Hi Bob - I also went through a tough divorce and lost contact with my two daughters at different times. Seventeen years later and my eldest told me she "wanted a break". That was twelve months ago. The first thing I wantMorecommenting from your post is the idea that you are somehow to blame for giving your daughter a roof over her head that is presumably rent free and paying her college tuition. When she didn't keep her side of the bargain, you got frustrated - huh? pretty normal reaction I would say. My reading of your post, and of course that's all I can go by, suggests that you were simply a thoughtful and loving father. The court's actions must hurt, but there's no point in letting them overwhelm you. Pay what you have to, deduct the amount from what she might be owed after you die and make sure you have a court order to prevent your daughter from coming back for more money and drive then get on with your life. I wouldn't blame the court for their decision to alienate you. Your daughter has made up her mind, and any suggestion that supports her decision is welcomed with both hands. My daughter sought the services of a therapist who said our relationship was toxic. That was music to my daughter's ears. It was what she wanted to hear - confirmation of her disrespectful behavior.
      • Bob the number bear

        move onBob the number bear

        Thank you for your comments. It's hard for me not to question the fact that I could have done something differently. I have not blamed the courts, I just feel that if she is not awarded the remainder of her college tuition, she could lose the notion that she is entitled to those payments, regardless of her behavior. In short, the Illinois courts have made the situation far worse.

        I've been feeling the pain for over a year but your answer definitely helped me.

        God bless

  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport


    Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience

    with us. I am so sorry to hear about the numerous trauma and abuse you have endured

    endured in your life so far. I hope things have improved

    you and that you were able to find supportive people to help you become

    secure. If you need help developing a support system, you can try


    1-800-273-6222. 211 is a service that connects people with resources

    their local community, such as domestic violence services, sexual violence

    agencies and self-help groups. I wish you and your family all the best

    move forward. Watch after.

  • PAIN777

    That's so much B.S.

    I had a father who cheated on my mother then his 2nd wife...had an illegitimate child with his 3rd wife...broke my nose when I was 13...never took care of me until he came" Dude" - - - Who is the author, probably a Jewish psychiatrist? Whoever you are you haven't experienced any real pain...just are just a virgin watching and listening to other people talk about can't be a pro until you feel ... and you, my lord or my wife, not ... at the end of a life I have still forgiven my father ... my karma - whatever it may have been in previous lives ... I have paid the bill in this life...and take responsibility although i was very very very disappointed not to have a father in my life...but the author here is dead wrong....I have the connection to my father for 15 years canceled. He refused to pay my college even though he's a millionaire. He never saw me once in college, never got to my degree, never came to my wedding...which ended in divorce because my wife cheated on me---needless to say I don't trust people ...but humans - don't take responsibility for their actions. I do...I always tell the truth...even when I'm lying.

  • Frei

    There is definitely some good advice on this blog but I can't agree with the following paragraph which is an important point, alienated parents are alienated for a reason and need to take responsibility for their role in the alienation. Do many parents take the "seen and not heard" mentality from infancy through adulthood with their children....especially those in the pre-1980's era of parenting?

    Paragraph: “Excluding a person is a reaction to fear and merging. your actions

    or inaction did not cause this. Clipping is a way people deal with it

    Fear when they don't know a better way. The love and care is there;

    the ability to resolve differences is not"

    Allow me to dissect this paragraph in an adjusted, orderly way.

    "Excluding a person is a reaction to fear and merging"... Yes, that's true, but what caused the fear? And most of the time the adult child had no other choice.

    "Your actions

    or inaction did not cause it"...this generalizing statement is incorrect, of course the parents played a role in the alienation even in the absence of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

    “The love and caring is there;

    the ability to resolve differences is not".....Yes, the love and caring

    is there & in many cases the ability to resolve differences is too but

    The parent lacks these qualities, hence no relief from the burden

    Make compromises, discussions and reconciliation impossible

    what truncation is the end result.

    “Cut off is a way people deal with it

    Afraid if they don't know a better way". Okay.. let's just entertain the fact that the adult child has tried all the "better ways" to escape the pain and emotional damage whatever causes it is "clipping". Those who truncate must balance the lesser personal harm...emotional opposed to...2/ truncate in order for them to eventually move forward, and I mean, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, being emotionally stable and sane. ... It comes down to what is more livable, so many choose to leave the never-ending emotional roller coaster .... Cut off.


    • listeners

      @Free As someone who has done much research and study on alienation between parents and adult children, I don't think your observations are the norm. Before I share what I have found to be the norm, I will specifically address your comments. Yes, in individual casesMorewere adult children raised in an overbearing household (the 'seen and not heard' variety) and as the young person progressed into adulthood he/she struggled to find independence from his/her parents. What I saw in these isolated situations was one or more strong-minded parent(s) struggling with control issues and having a hard time allowing the now-adult child to gain the social independence that every human being deserves, inherently desires and naturally seeks. I also found that in many cases this was rooted in deep-seated cultural traditions of the controlling parent who came from families with pre-arranged marriages, and particularly Muslim families who had immigrated to the United States while complying , which was very strict - by Western standards - limits on women's clothing, constant face covering, beatings and other accepted traditions that seem foreign to many US citizens. And in these situations I found that as the adult child became more "Westernized" - and the irreconcilable differences in social mores became more apparent - the adult child led to the extreme tactic of cutting off. I will say that the adult child's decision in these situations is understandable, but it still causes a great deal of heartache, guilt - and I am referring to the emotional responses of both the parent and the adult child. I have also come across situations of drug abusing parents, sexual abuse of children by parents and physical abuse by parents. These unique situations make the adult child's decision to alienate fairly easy for me to understand. But these are the minority. The norm of the alarming increase in alienation between parents and adult children appears to be rooted in various levels of personality disorders, parental alienation due to divorce, and a dramatic shift in parenting styles from the 1960s to the present. The shift I am referring to is the shift away from "Honour your mother and father" to a child-centered approach to parenting. I also see many unhealthy dysfunctions in the parent-child relationships that lead to angry, intractable rifts. One of the most common elements of alienation I hear over and over again is from parents who say the adult child has refused to give a reason for the alienation. That says 2 things - 1) there is obviously a significant communication problem, and 2) a lack of empathy is a common theme in these alienations between parents and adult children - and I relate this to the adult child in most cases. In fact, I notice that your communication seems to lack empathy. Alienation is a profound, grieving event for most parents who are the subject of alienation. Two wrongs generally don't make a right. I find it difficult to promote or encourage the emotionally painful decision to end the parent-child relationship given the life-altering pain it causes in most cases. I believe that better communication is the key to reducing this pervasive societal problem. I believe that parent and child must engage in open, two-way communication. Everyone has a vote. Everyone needs to be heard - even the grown-up child by the parents. Including the parent or parents of the adult child.
      • The writer

        ALListener So many adult children these days are so egotistical and self-serving. For them the parents brought them into the world and are therefore obliged to feed, clothe and educate them. You don't owe your parents anything.

        I agree with empathy in communication. Today, many adult children rarely speak to their parents, and when they do, they don't speak with respect or kindness. They cannot accept the slightest advice from their parents because they take it as criticism. It could end in a misunderstanding, with the adult child threatening alienation.

      • mollymolly1

        Excellent especially your observations on parents who with no training or skills choose to raise their children differently than their upbringing which may have been a controlled environment with strict religious rules at school and at home I believe my son misses him a moral compass, he cut me outMoreof his life I am partly to blame as I let him make decisions from a very young age, asked him for advice as if he were my equal, relaxed boundaries, the complete opposite of my parents and now he is a good independent confident one , a fantastic communicator and leader, but a man with no compassion, living his life the way he wants, so I failed just like my parents...
        • mollymolly1

          Her last sentence, how can a parent communicate with an adult child who refuses all contact?
      • lcjantzi

        Your response to "Free" helped put my own mind at ease because you addressed adult children's lack of empathy. I fought 2+ years. being estranged from my three adult children and only recently understanding that they express very little ifMoreany empathy for me as a person. Thank you for acknowledging this missing piece in communication.
      • Rune

        A listener well expressed and born of experience and study. It's a creeping epidemic, with so much shame and sadness and lack of acceptance or forgiveness
  • Rachel

    Yesterday's Mother's Day was long and difficult.

    My older daughter died of leukemia 14 years ago at the age of 20. My younger one has become estranged. She is the student. We, their parents, pay for their studies and everything else. We haven't seen her in 2 years. We still want her to get her bachelor's degree. We only communicate via email. We don't have her phone number.

    I know it would be strange for people that we support them. People who have lost a child are different.

  • hope for peace

    I have searched for such a relevant article many times and found it helpful. Put simply, our daughter has largely become estranged from us since she was 20 and now 23. Her grandparents have always supported her estrangement despite many requests from usMorewith reunion. As a result, we're also estranged from them, although we've made several attempts to work with them, only to lose ground each time. It's hard to lose both parents and a child. Wishing I was worth calling one of them was hard. I shared my feelings with my parents and concluded that they may not be able to change and that their actions are so harmful that we cannot share their lives with our other children. Our focus is on our daughter. I finally decided to treat my daughter the way I wanted my parents to treat me — texting to say they miss and love me, expressing my desire to move on, apologizing for the tension that we have now. Some weeks are more difficult for this "check-in" as I'm also feeling bitter, but I keep in mind my desire to move forward. I also work on acceptance every day. Some days are harder (especially holidays) than others, as I'm sure you understand. For those who are going through a really difficult situation right now, I've been able to find more peace, although I'm still very sad (if that makes sense - I don't cry every day.) Hope is difficult because it can lead to disappointment, but without it we are desperate. I wish I had great words of wisdom, but I too am looking for answers. This is one of those difficult family issues that a lot of people can't understand, so thanks for sharing the stories I share too. I will pray for peace of mind and hope each of us keeps trying. Watch after.
    • Miss my daughter

      Your story sounds surprisingly familiar to me. However, our estrangement lasted ten years. There is no communication - zero. The only thing that has helped me is anti-anxiety meds, which I don't want to take for the rest of my life. I am afraid that IMoreI won't live long enough to ever see a reconciliation as I'm no longer a spring chicken. I'm not even sure if I'm a grandmother or not!
      • needs to be managed

        Missmydaughter All you can do is pray and ask God to meet the need and bring it back to you! Why don't you send her a card and show her that you still love and miss her, leave the door open for her. But once you mail the cardMoreIt's time you focus on yourself and start putting the love you have for your daughter back into yourself! Make new friends, get new hobby projects, take a trip to a special place, get out and live life, oh it doesn't hurt to surround yourself with people you genuinely love!! Go ahead, you deserve it!!
  • further

    Bleau - I'm sorry to hear about the horrible impact your son's wartime experience has had on him and you. I hope he gets proper psychiatric treatment. Perhaps the utter horror he experienced abroad understandably made it very difficult for him to get used to the civiliansMoreLife. If you've been forgotten, that's part of his illness. However, this does not mean that the damage is permanent, but he will need constant professional care to help him process his trauma so that he can reach a stage where family can be reintegrated into his life. My advice is to keep corresponding (in writing) to let him know of your love and concern for his well-being. Please do not attempt to reach your grandchild without their knowledge.
  • Of

    I have two sons aged 31 and 33. The younger son had a learning disability for most of his life. He earned his high school diploma after schools kept pushing him through the next grade, even though he wasn't up to the job. He wasn't disabled, just had a learning disability. Because of his learning disability, he was never able to hold a job for any length of time. I had to help him with a lot of money because he became homeless and I spent a lot of money to keep him from living on the streets. Nothing worked. I finally had to cut him off financially after years of giving him money that totaled around nineteen thousand dollars over the years.

    He is now 31 years old and has not been able to work since graduating from high school at the age of 19. He got in trouble with the law for burglary after becoming homeless at the age of 20. He went through the courts and was sentenced to probation and to pay fines and reparations. He couldn't find work because he now has a criminal offense. The courts threatened to put him in jail to meet the fines and reparations. I intervened and asked the judge if I would pay his fines and restitution, if they would judicially relieve him of his probation rather than send him to prison to pay off the debt. The judge agreed with my suggestion.

    Because I cut him off financially, he has told me several times or more over the years that he "hates" me. Because he told me that I had very scary dreams where I dreamed that he broke into my house and tried to kill me and his stepmother.

    I made the mistake of passing this dream on to his older brother and he told my younger son. The younger son and I had reconciled somewhat after he and his girlfriend had a child. I began to bond with my new grandson. My older son told my younger son about the dream I had. That put him off. He said he wanted nothing more to do with me or my wife (his stepmother). I told him, "You've told me so many times that you hate me, I can't help but dream that you wanted to kill me."

    My younger son has now cut me out of his life and will not allow me to ever see his new baby who is my youngest grandchild. I'm devastated by all of this. I have tried to be the best father to my two sons and that is how I am being repaid now that I am 66 years old.

  • this weird witch

    Anything but the part about continuing to harass people who have made it clear that you are not welcome in your life is actually decent advice.
  • purple lace

    My son lives with his girlfriend who always puts himself first (her words) and doesn't trust anyone. Most of what I say in conversation, she dissects to see if she can find some hidden meaning! My husband and I went to their house at her invitation to try to get our relationship going again, but my son sat with his head down all afternoon and hardly said a word while his girlfriend took care of all the things criticized, those dear to us are our core values. I had invited her to Christmas dinner and then my husband was ill so I called and said if they would mind if I cancel, she seemed ok with that.

    She brought it up and said I asked her but then I changed my mind and didn't want to see her for Christmas. That wasn't true, I told them both and she said well we'll give you one more chance but if you cancel again it's the end. In the past she had decided to call us mum and dad, we didn't like that (her parents are still alive), but unfortunately she didn't say anything at the time. So I told her at the meeting that we would like her to call us by our first names. She didn't like it at all and even cried like a baby! More things were said and again we stupidly defended ourselves. We both love our son but feel like she is probably a narcissist and has him under her control. We've always been good to her and we've never said a bad word to her, but she looks for things to criticize in everything we do. She has no friends and has even broken off contact with her only sister. We all have to do what she wants or there will be trouble. Anyway, we left her house and said we'd meet for lunch in a week or two. When I got home and thought it all over, I was sure she was a narcissist. I emailed my son describing a narcissist but didn't name her as such but obviously he knew, all communication has since been cut off. He's still talking to my sister and he told her he interrupted us because I "shouldn't throw mud," so she said, "Well, I guess it went both ways, right?" He didn't answer, but i really think his girlfriend convinced him that everything that happened is my fault and we are horrible people.

    I have emailed him to fix things and called him and left messages on his phone but all to no avail. He can't handle conflict, he can't talk things through, so I just have to leave it as it is.

  • stayed

    My son also returned from the war a decorated hero with PTSD and TBI. 4 years ago he left our lives and cut us off from his new born daughter and wife. We have no reasons for this other than that it is due to the damage he has sufferedMorein Afghanistan. My question is how do you build a bridge to someone who has lost all memories of you.
    • tc tip

      Bleau You don't build a bridge, you first turn the sand underneath into cement and then start building. One post after the other. My son has more than one "side" to him. Some of them have no memory of his childhood. I had to build a brandMorenew relationship with the brand new person standing in front of me now. All of them. It was a challenge, but he needed me in a very special way. He had to know that I hadn't forgotten the memories. He needed me to tell him who he was so he could build on that. It wasn't my bridge I built! It was and is his!
  • Domino

    You know, as a woman who is estranged from her in-laws, I really applaud those who seek help to resolve the issue. I applaud those trying to understand the complex dynamics of alienation. I sincerely respect those of you who have apologized and taken responsibility for some of the casesMoreAlienation. I can only dream of that with my in-laws. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with what is called borderline personality and it was so frustrating. She insulted me when I was 9 months pregnant, had a high speed chase with a cop, intentionally crashed her car to collect insurance money and tried to wash our (then newborn) son's clothes in rat poison. She's been in and out of therapy and it's obvious why we stopped her 5 years ago, but we've told her we'll consider repairing the relationship if she seeks professional help (she needs to be in a treatment program ). She flatly said "no". For the safety of my family and especially my little son, we cannot have any contact, we have also moved out of the country. However, I have always dreamed of having a big extended family and I am saddened by my situation. My husband is devastated, he believes that his mother does not love him (in his childhood the threat of putting him up for adoption was a daily threat). I've read of so many estranged parents apologizing to their children - I can only dream of hearing an apology. Lots of words my in-laws say about us - that we're spoiled/too sensitive/over the top/mean/etc. are really confusing me. It's like our feelings don't matter. I wish you all the best. Honestly, there are some of you that I would love to adopt as my in-laws!
    • Rune

      @Domino yes - when it comes to mental distress it's different - reality is distorted, it's sad, harsh and generates grief from a different source
    • Anitaia

      I think this discussion revolves around a very different cause of alienation. You definitely had a good reason and I don't blame you.
  • alanhrts16

    When he was a baby I used to run the errands and see them when I was told when mom and dad went out pop pop took over once when there was a trip planned all of a sudden I couldn't go because I didn't know exactly what should i do adopted my child myMorefirst wife and i did everything for him money love education when he got engaged he looked for someone who had the attitude she needed money for her wedding i paid half she complained about money but gave it up recklessly not my opinion 1995 caught i used to take care of my grandson because he took him to school i took him with me every day but when mum and dad went out i took over, i ran their errands and met mum and grandchild on request when my wife 6 months later died i got engaged to my wife's friend she never included feelings even when we were alone my son said you cheated on my mother didn't you called my dead wife she is dead she was too much Trouble, good relief, when I met her with her she was ignored and they tried to introduce me to her friends, the relationship ended when I didn't take my grandson to a pre-arranged trip ko I had an operation and couldn't walk. They said unspeakable things. I contacted them twice but got no response at all. She didn't die. I don't know why or how you didn't call me. Is there anything I should do? Many Thanks. All your comments are very welcome
  • Joe Hale

    There are so many people here in deep pain. It is heartbreaking that this is happening to both parents and children. I myself have sought professional help in finding a way to deal with this incredibly difficult situation, but I find that talking to others in similar circumstances is most therapeutic. I only wish there were face to face support groups where human interaction could take place and hurting souls could find comfort and support as they navigate these turbulent seasons of life. I don't mean groups that sit around and rehash every detail of their lives, comparing their complaints and grumblings, and never getting beyond accusations and abuse. But groups that gather for the sole purpose of finding a connection with others who are seeking a positive way forward through encouragement, uplifting support and yes, sometimes a soft shoulder to lean on.

    How do we help achieve this? Is there anyone out there who is already doing this, or participating in this type of group interaction, or knows of groups that are successfully seeking (or at least trying) help? Does anyone have an idea or suggestion on where to start?

    Forums are great and even emailing members (if and when possible) is a good move, but there's nothing quite like looking someone in the eye and saying, "Me too."

    God bless all who are hurt. May you find peace and joy.

    • tc tip

      @Jo Hale When I was dating an alcoholic I found Alanon. This doesn't just apply to those living/not living with an alcoholic. So what I learned there is helping me with that alienation factor in my life now.

      Alanon showed me that I had no control over another person's life, whether I loved them or not. The only person I was/am responsible for is myself. The only person I could/can judge was/am myself. I am beyond grateful to Alanon.

      I see now that I enabled the actions of my estranged daughter. As an overprotective mom, the addiction wasn't "alcohol" but "loss of control over another." All of Alanon's mantras apply to my life. Yes, they have MEETINGS! These meetings saved my life in so many ways! No matter what the suffering was, with others around me, I could choose how I responded to each of them.

      These meetings have been a calming sea in the midst of a hurricane for me. My pain disappeared and was replaced with peace. I still have to go to one every now and then as my daughter has disappeared from my life in the last 3 years. With some mental gymnastics, as outlined above, these meetings can be a godsend for you. Hope that helps.

    • further

      @Jo Hale I like your suggestion. My idea of ​​support is hearing from those who have developed strategies to help them move on with their lives. I found my own way as I'm not doing well with therapy. My doctor prescribed antidepressants, which play an important roleMoremy going on. I never forget that my problems are insignificant compared to others and that family alienation is rampant. I'm retired and have been using my time to work on an M.Phil at university, which is something I've wanted to do for a long time. Finding interest and being part of the wider community is a surefire way to put life's obstacles aside, ensuring continued personal growth and well-being.
    • tc tip

      @Jo Hale Alanon defines what it means to be free from this pain. Pick them out and you will be amazed at the results. Hope that helps.
    • crushed

      @Jo Hale Thanks for sharing. My daughter has cut me out of her life and has been for 9 months. She is 23 and this pain is beyond anything imaginable. No confirmation of my birthday or Mother's Day. I feel like a failure and allMoreashamed. I raised with love, I thought, and gave my children tools for life along with love and support. My son and I are very close as he is 26 years old. I don't even really know the reason, I know her father (we are divorced) encourages, empowers and encourages her to stay away. I wasn't insulting, but of course I had to dissapline. My son is not sure why she is like this as he was raised by me in the same household. My ex-husband would become estranged from his mother. I come from a family of 12 and we were all so close and supportive of each other. We had very little, but it didn't matter. I encouraged my daughter to join the LPN program, which she did. I fixed her car and paid her tuition for the first few years, and then she just left, moved in with her dads, and eventually got her own place. I hear she's still at school but refuses to contact me. I assume she will contact me as soon as next year comes around. I'm not sure what I'll do then. I'm glad she's pursuing her career and doing well, but I'm not sure if I should fund her no-contact education. I love her and am proud of her. It is painful. I'm a good person, kind, gentle and generous to a fault I'm told. My childhood friends stayed here most of the time growing up. My daughter is getting anxious and I think her father pulling her in one direction and away from me is not good. He only hurts her and is very selfish. The only thing that helps me now is prayer, it gives me hope. It's so difficult to see that all of my friends and family have these incredibly close relationships with their daughters that sometimes I have to break away from it as it can feel suffocating. You have to know the pain to understand it. I feel so judged and of course I am being judged. I pray that someday there will be relief for all of us. Love and kindness, be kind to yourself, everyone deserves a fresh start regardless of our mistakes... xo Rachel
  • mollymolly1

    My son is 30, I'm 53, a year and a half ago I made a terrible mistake, I was cruel and rude to his girlfriend and her mother - he completely cut me out of his life. I texted him and emailed him, short ones just to say itMoreI love him and please get in touch, I've cried and mourned and I try my best to be positive every day but the void he left is huge, I'm embarrassed to answer questions from family and friends who know me and care about me and they wonder why he is so tough and unforgiving. I know the reasons, I was a single mom in a big city with no family and he was an alpha male, I was the mainstay for him when he got into trouble as a teenager, the lines between parents and peers became so blurred To cope I turned a blind eye to becoming a father, he has no siblings - need advice on how to fix this, I won't be following him as my emails and texts are being ignored, my mum is ill, his grandmother he dear, my fear is that something might happen to you or someone else in my family. I have to deal with my dear son avoiding me and ignoring my advice?
  • Christableinmourning

    Our 20 year old daughter cut us off 2 weeks ago. She retired from college, packed her dorm room, changed jobs (took some preparation), and moved two states away with her boyfriend, who was doing the same. We had no warning, just some bursting news about her new lifeMoreand then total silence. No phone, no address, no Facebook - we're on ban now. She even told her friends not to talk to us. Aside from noticing some stress lately (who isn't stressed at school?), this came out of the blue. We weren't negligent or abusive. We supported her financially at school. We liked her boyfriend and looked forward to seeing her as independent adults. Now we reel in agony and confusion. I can't imagine it going on like this for years...
    • Mastic8

      Christableinmourning Leave her alone. She will become an independent adult on her own accord and on her own terms. You can't control this, so let it go. Let her know you are available and love her when she changes her mind and wants to communicate with her.
    • listeners

      Christableinmourning I am sorry to hear of your plight. Many of the people who wander these pages are dealing with real life histories of alienation that involve extended periods of no contact. This is not meant to detract from your personal experience, but to give context to things. Without question, the fact that what happened to you is new must be considered a fact in the plus column for you. I say this because research shows that the longer alienation lasts, the harder it is to overcome. The sooner a reconciliation is possible, the better.

      However, the downside of this situation is that young people need space, and sometimes they need time. We all find ourselves in situations where we feel emotionally suffocated, and some of us choose to detach from them in clunky, dysfunctional ways (for whatever reason, including our own immaturity). I don't know your daughter or her beau, of course, and I can't know their reasons for freaking out, but given the planning (including getting friends not to share them with you) I see facts that you've shared this point with someone , who may have thought that if she had done this "up and down," her parents would not have approved, blocked it, or tried to control it in some way, etc. She might have felt that they were taking this liberating step had to say, "I'm a grown up now, not your little girl."

      Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone we love is to make space for that person. Because if someone just wants a thimble of love, isn't it love just to give that thimble of love? Giving someone space can be a profound act of love

      I can't imagine at all that you were careless or abusive. That is clear. I can say right away that you are good parents who have made at most mistakes within the normal range of parenting mistakes ALL PARENTS MAKE.

      I assume you haven't heard the last of your daughter. I'm going to take another leap and predict that one or more of these friends will not approve of what they did, their friend's parents will find out now, they will not approve, they will empathize with you, and pressure is on I will come to these friends to stay clean and not be an "enabler" for your daughter's bad decisions. You will find out where she lives. This is not a static situation. It will change. For sure!

      Good luck and all the best.

    • Susan Neson

      Christableinmourning We feel your pain. On a positive note, your daughter is only 20 years old and is growing up fast, which means she will most likely come back to you. Our daughter is in her early 40's - she/he is an adult but very immature and has a husband who isMorea force behind it that makes it much more difficult. We've been going through this for over 7 months now and have learned a lot and gotten a lot stronger. I always need that daughter's validation and approval. For many years I have allowed her to be the one who expects all of us to jump at her bidding. Stop it now. You deserve respect and love. Don't beg, flatter. I did this for the first 4 months and I'm sure it went straight into her power and control. It's the saddest thing I've ever heard when so many parents are thrown out of their children's lives. Something is very wrong in our society, but nobody seems ready, whether it be churches or well-known Christian organizations, to tackle this silent epidemic. Try not to worry about tomorrow, next week, or next month. She is so young and so immature at that age. She loves you, just like our daughter. They just don't know how to approach things in a mature way and I personally find the selfie, the selfishness of our young people amazing. We wish you all the best - be with people who support you and who love you. Count your blessings and know that many parents are praying for you and your daughter!
      • foreign mother

        @Christableinmourning my daughter will be 20 in May and left here last week. Same situation. She left three younger siblings and took the dog with her. She has shut out all members of our family if she suspected they would talk to me. I know it's new, but meMoredon't count it for less. I will pray for both of us.
  • SadDad61

    I keep contacting my son but never get an answer. I keep it simple and short without nagging, judging or criticizing; only wishes of happiness and love. However, over time I find that every time I check in and get no responseMoredeepens the pain. I asked him why he didn't answer and if I offended him in any way; No Answer. I don't want to try to contact him about persistent rejection. Every time I hold out my hand, I think, "This will be the time he answers". I have gone through all emotional stages over the years; Fear, anger, denial, guilt, name it and I felt it. It even got to a point where I sought professional help from a psychiatrist because I was starting to have anxiety issues. I love my son with all my heart, but I don't know if I can afford to have my teeth stepped on anymore.
    • Susan Neson

      SadDad61 We understand your pain and wish this hadn't happened to you...or us, but it did. For the first few months I tried too hard to the point of almost begging, pleading. It only gave them more power to rule us. So many people say they learned itMorejust back off - stop trying. I certainly don't know the answers either and will also seek help for my anxiety problems. When something this shocking happens, our adrenal glands go haywire and we have anxiety, depression, etc. It's the most cruel thing a grown child can do to a parent. There are many parents who hardly care about their children, but they are still in the children's lives. We have loved our daughter all her life, without judging her and sometimes in spite of herself. She judged us so harshly, but I'm starting to see that as her problem. I feel more sorry for her some days, but I also need to start taking care of myself and the rest of my family. I hope that you will be able to take a step back and not be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to breathe and, even if it's a struggle, turn your mind to other people who genuinely care about you during this time! My prayers go out to you and all other suffering parents.
      • Susi

        Susan NesonSadDad61 it's hell. I don't know where to go or what to do.
        • Susan Neson

          @SuzySusan NesonSadDad61 It's hell, or as close to hell as I'd ever want to be. Somehow we HAVE to accept it and understand that we didn't choose to reject them. We hope to continue, but my husband has pretty much given up hope. We don't know what to doMoredo - we don't know why this happened. I never knew parents and/or children were expendable. Apparently, if someone wants to, they can throw you out like trash and feel entitled to do so. We don't understand at all. Every day when the mail comes, I hope for a letter... anything. I wish I could help. Prayers continue for all parents suffering from this cruelty.
  • Joe Hale

    I know I've written more than necessary, but I need to clarify the reason for my sense of "imminent doom" because it was on "Easter Saturday" that we found out, after I kindly expressed my sadness about it, not ours first grandchild baby dedication last year they inaugurated our 2nd grandchild last month. The silence in the room was deafening. I held myself together to just get home where I snapped. I had enough. The next morning I drafted an email message in which we explained our feelings in detail and just laid it all out. We didn't suggest it's my dil, of course, but that we wanted to sit down and discuss the situation.

    So I suspect he'll likely respond with a "serial letter" expressing his sadness that we're hurt, but they don't feel it necessary to adjust their lifestyle or choices, and that we accept that have to, period.

    Either way the pain goes on. Thank you for reading....

    • GingerMayor

      @Jo Hale I'm answering as a daughter who has strained relationships

      with both parents now in their mid-70s. It breaks my heart to read these posts, but I

      thought it might help with the pain you are experiencing by providing perspective

      by an adult child. I think of mine

      parents all the time. Maybe your son

      does it too. I think about what a happy

      family we grew up with how easy it was to be around them and how much

      comfort they have given me. We never

      had no large-scale blow-out arguments. I

      I'm in my mid-40s now, but sometime in my mid-20s they have a slow and

      constant stream of negativity and criticism towards me. This is reflected in smaller statements such as

      B. "I haven't heard from you for a while" if several days have passed since mine

      last call criticizing the way I set up my house and not eating the food I have

      cooked for Thanksgiving dinner because it wasn't one of my mom's recipes. They acted hurt when I didn't tell them

      about my decision to paint my house and my dad emails me asking me to do it

      Call if he hasn't heard from me in a week. I feel

      like they're looking for me to validate their lives and when I'm not, they're

      deal with criticism. My mother

      constantly tells me how often her friend visits the children and calls - with the

      unspoken comment that I'm not doing enough for them. When my husband and I were married for 15 years

      Before, instead of a bachelorette party, my husband would take his 4 best friends to one

      baseball game. My father still tells me how

      it hurts him that he wasn't invited to the "bachelor party" and neither was my husband

      even invites his own father. above

      Article stating: “Love still exists, but the ability to break free

      Differences do not” seems very true to me.

      Maybe your son feels the same way.

      I love my parents. However,

      When I asked them to end the negativity against me, they responded

      either by 1) saying I'm too sensitive and they have to walk on eggshells

      around me, or 2) they will stop the negativity if I change. So the same old routine goes on, but over

      Over time, I feel like these little comments are a punch in the pit of my stomach. I know they don't believe they did it

      something wrong - although I told them exactly what they did. It

      would make things better even if they were just being neutral. For example, don't mention the last time

      If you have spoken to me or seen me, just greet me normally. Don't mention they didn't know I did it

      planning to redecorate last month tell me how amazing it looks instead.

      • tc tip

        GingerMaynor I appreciate your contribution so much. The negativity is something I wasn't aware of as a parent as my own mother was so negative towards me.

        It was hard to see my children in a non-sunlit light, living a life I had mentally chosen for them.

        As for me, I became a teenager when my daughter and I had "words."

        I was mom and dad so I figured I had to sound like both sweet and loving and loud and cold. Obviously I didn't have a father to model after, so my misinformed childhood led the way. People who have no contact with good people have so little correct information on which to grow. I always seem to catch up.

        You actually asked for the negativity to stop. If only my daughter had done that. She also has the negativity factor in her, so she would ask me to do things "her way". Big thematic differences! Had I known... .

        Communication has definitely made this phenomenon of alienation seem epidemic since the advent of technology. If I knew what neutrality was, I would have made that my goal long ago. Conflict is “neutral” to parenting means getting run over on the survival highway. I haven't often had the luxury of rethinking every decision I've ever made. The price may have cost us our lives as we knew them.

        By the end of high school, my daughter didn't want me asking her questions about her life, her friends, her goals, and her plans. That was before I arranged, rented, and furnished her a room in a very nice house full of roommates attending the college she was planning to attend in the fall. She didn't even invite me to her high school graduation.

        She took me out of her life a while before she left mine, so I've already learned to let go. I thought I was doing the right thing to help her get started on her own. I love her so much I would do anything to keep her dreams going. I didn't know she didn't see it that way.

        So you see, real communication is key. My problem was I had the wrong door! My key never fit. I'm still looking for it, but only part-time now. I'm learning patience right now. It works.

        What happened to me, well I called it the "switch". In our late teens, a switch is flipped. For me, the person I had been raising for all these years was GONE! Maybe it's because of what I think it is, the pre-programmed "independent gene". I remember doing the same with my parents when they were the same age. “Get out on your own” was the motto. I wonder if we really were that harsh about it, even now. Thank you for your perspective!

      • joanbam

        Thank you for your contribution. A lot of mail from alienated children was very mean. I hope you can work this out with your parents. I just appreciate and understand your thoughts. I hope my son and Dil give me a chance. I miss her terribly. My heartsMorePain, my self-esteem is zero. If I didn't take care of them, I wouldn't care if they even spoke to me. I wish they would tell me what I did wrong. Very heartbroken again. Many Thanks
      • Susan Neson

        GingerMaynor I understand your dilemma. Your parents are unreasonable, I can see that and you can see that. I hope you get professional guidance. Your parents are worth the effort - they gave you many, many years of their lives BUT you have to set boundaries. There is aMoregood book called "Limits". I wish our daughter would have sat down with us and talked to us about her limitations. We moved to be closer to them. We are very private people and not demanding. We weren't allowed to be there when our granddaughter was born - the man probably felt "threatened". I would have stayed far in the background. My husband and I have been married for many, many years and we also enjoy our time together. It hurt my feelings, but because his mother didn't care, I had to be punished. The only other time we got excited and showed it was when our only granddaughter had her 5th birthday. We weren't invited. His brother and wife were in town (we lived several hours away) but they decided it should just be his family. It seemed like a big deal at the time, but we acknowledged they had every right to invite or do whatever they wanted. We never wanted to be in control of her life. On the other hand, our daughter wants to be in control of everything we do. It's her way or the highway. I never noticed or overlooked it because I thought she would outgrow it. Obviously we have some problems, but ones that could have been solved. Instead, she told us that she didn't want us in her life anymore. 7 months have passed - no contact. We were blocked by everything. She lost her best friend because she didn't agree with our son-in-law for kicking us out of her life. We had some difficulties (husband diagnosed with cancer - his hearing went where it almost doesn't exist anymore); We moved from the country to an insane city where people would rather run you over than be nice. It was too much. We moved away to be closer to many other relatives especially for our daughter with special needs. If it had been just the two of us we would have gone back to the country and enjoyed a quiet life of just helping people but enjoying the sanity of beauty rather than madness in the cities. So life goes on. We keep praying. I don't cry as often anymore, although when I really think about it, I'm devastated. My husband is also shocked, but says little. It's a cruel world and I'm thankful that one day it will all end and God will sort it out. I don't understand the cruelty that was inflicted on us or parents who weren't cruel or did their best. Put up with your parents – they put up with you but set boundaries and kindly and lovingly explain why AND tell them you love them. Be thankful... be patient... be kind... bear with one another. God will bless you for this!!
        • GingerMayor

          Susan NesonGingerMayor Thank you Susan. (Thanks also to Jo Hale for the above comment.) I try my parents, but old patterns seem difficult to change and exhausting to manage. Her hurt feelings and anger overwhelm me. Anyhow, I hear you. I pray that God will help me find a wayMorekeeping my parents in my life while keeping my sanity. In your situation, I sometimes wonder if the marriage of adult children to their spouses changes the core dynamics of the family tremendously? Luckily my husband loves my parents but my sister's husband is a different story...he is very controlling and has done some of the things you mentioned such as events that hurt my parents. I agree that it is indeed a cruel world. It's not how I would like it to be and people are flawed. I am sorry to hear that your daughter has not been in contact with you for 7 months. With your husband's illness, you carry a lot on your shoulders. I try to enjoy some things in life like you mentioned, getting outside, planting flowers etc. I think feeling stronger overall helps me manage the stress or think more clearly in times of conflict. Bless you and your husband.
          • Susan Neson

            GingerMayorSusan Neson Thank you Ginger. I appreciate your care. Let's all hope for easier days. I wish you all the best in your fight.
      • Joe Hale

        Thanks Ginger for taking the time to reply to my post. I am truly sorry that you are also dealing with these painful issues and my heart aches for you. I appreciate that you would like to give me another perspective in the hope that it might help me to see things from his point of view, but what is happening to you is not happening in our situation.

        The last time I mentioned to him that we don't hear from him or spend time with him was 3 years ago. He was upset and worried and told me he had priorities in his life and not enough time for us. He suggested that I should make more friends or get a hobby. He said he feels like I've been making him my whole life and don't know how to let go. I sat quietly and listened and told him I would not bring up the subject again. Mind you, we didn't ask him to contact us every day or even every week. I would call him about twice a month and say we'd like to know how you're doing. He usually didn't answer our calls. We would go months without seeing her. I didn't think then and I still don't think we were asking too much of him. But we never got a chance to work out differences, nor were we asked how we were feeling.

        After this discussion, our conversations were always pleasant and respectful whenever we saw them or heard from them. We never criticized them or made even subtle comments. We showed them both mercy over and over again while ignoring the deep pain growing in our hearts. We respected his wishes and lived with the lines he drew, but the lines grew thicker and thicker. Her actions and/or lack of action became blatantly insensitive. How much pain are we supposed to endure without asking for a reason or just letting them know it was hurtful?

        I can really empathize with your situation and how difficult it must be for you. Knowing how to deal with people who are insensitive, self-centered, immature and controlling in their situation is never easy. We do our best to understand, empathize and accept. You find yourself in a place where you realize that you have run out of ways to deal with your parents and their controlling behavior towards you, leaving you with a possible alienation. We too try to live with their insensitive behavior but it's not as controlling as your situation, it's downright cold. We also run the risk of alienating ourselves from our grandchildren. So where do we draw the line? We did what they asked us to do, but their attitude towards us has become unbearable.

        Again, I appreciate you wanting me to understand and see things from a different perspective. I'm trying to believe he still cares about us. I hope he does. I think as the above article states he didn't/didn't know how to make the transition from our son to an adult and a married woman. We would have appreciated the opportunity to have some input. I hope that one day he will see that our relationship can be happy, healthy and balanced. I hope you find that too.

  • Joe Hale

    I'm just reading the comments that Susan Neson posted an hour ago and with a few exceptions our stories are so similar. We are not "cut out" of our son's life yet, but I fear the time will come. We, too, raised our son (our only child) in a loving, respectful, and godly home. He married our Dil 5 1/2 years ago after being together for 3 years. After they were married, we noticed that we heard less and less from him over time. I'm talking about every 6 weeks. They live about 20 minutes away, their parents live a few kilometers from us. We split the holidays here first for a few hours and they left to spend the rest of the holidays with their parents. Then they decided to celebrate another day. Of course when I suggested taking turns it would be fair to all that never happened and now they are with their family every holiday and we get the day before or after with us to make all the arrangements. So my husband and I celebrate alone. We don't have any family other than my mother who lives 11 hours away.

    I tried to approach the issue (with my son) 3 years ago that we are a little bit more involved in their lives. He was concerned and basically told me he has priorities in his life and he just doesn't have the time and I need to make friends or find a hobby.

    Along came 2 grandchildren in 2 years. My opportunity to spend time with them is about twice a month for a few hours while my dil and I sit in their living room. I've offered to babysit, take her outside, or have her at our house on occasion, and there's always a fresh excuse for not doing so. It's gotten to the point where my husband doesn't want to go anymore because he feels like it's just a "social service visit" in a locked room with full surveillance and supervision.

    My son has become very cold and shallow with us and we feel that our 6 visits a year (as a whole family) is like we are distant cousins ​​dropping in just to catch up. They never initiate a gathering, involve us in special events (he is speaking at his church, my grandchildren's baby's dedication, his masters' graduation ceremony) or simply call to say hello. This year we got text messages on our birthdays.

    Like the woman who just posted, I'm grieving terribly. It's so hard to understand why this is happening. We didn't have any problems or arguments or even an awkward moment. We have been extremely merciful to both of us, our faith expects that of us, and although it was difficult at first, we did what was "right" in the hope that things might change. We did everything they asked of us. I feel like my son doesn't exist anymore, but it's even worse because he does and chooses to treat us that way. The cancellation is heartbreaking.

    I'm in therapy and I'm learning to accept that my son has a "flaw" (his inability to address and deal with this issue). I guess my dil (who is really a beautiful woman) just doesn't want to change her preferences. Which refers to the notion that there is an epidemic of ultrasensitive (basically spoiled) immature adults. Yes there is a transition process that happens when kids come of age and then when they get married and it is difficult but if my son (and Dil) really understood and felt the pain that occurs when loved ones make up for it decide to do what they want instead of thinking of others, they may make better decisions.

    I wish there were support groups for this type of problem. I have considered going to those offered to those who have lost loved ones to death, but they do not allow it. It's almost worse than death because they are alive and VOTING for it. It's rejection from your child for something you didn't do, and it's awful

    • Miss my daughter

      I really feel for you @Jo Hale. I haven't seen or heard from my daughter for almost ten years, but I also realize that if she hadn't cut us off, she probably would have treated us badly. She was very difficult to be with and we wereMoretoo revealing and allowed her to walk on us. We suffer because we love them. Maybe time away from your son will soften him. I do not know. I've known some parents who were selfish and neglectful but had great relationships with their adult children. Imagine that! None of this makes sense.
    • Susan Neson

      @Jo Hale I hope beyond hope that you are never shut out of your son's life entirely. dr Joshua Coleman has a pretty good book called When Parents Hurt, I think that's the title. There are many insightful books to help with this. I only wish I wouldMoreadmitted there was a problem earlier and could have acted like the adult in the room. We were just so blinded by it. One thing I did wrong is that I never thought I deserved respect - hence I wasn't given the respect I deserved. You say how you treat yourself, you will be treated. Too much begging for our children to just love us. We love them too much I think, and they don't understand the meaning of love - of commitment - of loyalty - of gratitude - of seeing the good and ignoring our flaws like we did with our not-quite-perfect daughter . I'm taking a nap today - I will resolve to treat everyone around me better. If you are on FB I would recommend Lysa Terkeurst, Ann Voskamp. Very uplifting. Think of things that are well and good. Try not to think about what's weighing you down all the time. It took me months to get there AND a few days, not quite there. I love my daughter so much and miss her more than I can think of...I don't want to think about it that much anymore. I just want to live my life with my husband and my other daughter and just keep hoping that eventually she and her husband will soften their hearts and grow up a bit.
      • Jo

        Thank you Susanne for your reassuring answer. I missed it recently. I wholeheartedly agree with you that if we had been a little more insightful perhaps we could have been the 'adults' and addressed this issue sooner. We overlooked so much to make him happy and should have taught him more about honoring his parents. However, we raised him to follow the Lord, simply believing that as he matured he would learn to treat us better. He went to seminary and teaches the Bible to middle school students at a private Christian school. All of this doesn't seem to mean anything because he just "missed". My therapist told me early on that I needed to see him in a different light. He has a flaw and if it were someone else we would accept it or deal with it if need be, but because it's our (only) child we let things go. But the hardest thing to understand is that he wasn't that insensitive until he got married. I don't blame her and I've tried my best to show her love and respect, but I don't think she's matured much either and made no effort to integrate me into her/her life.

        I found out only recently, after receiving his reply to a letter we sent him almost asking for answers, that he blames me for things that have caused him to distance himself from us. I wasn't a good role model when it came to family traditions and connections. I was a hypocrite because I wanted to be close to him and his family but not my husband's family. And the zinger was the only argument we've had in 25 years when he told me he was inviting his father to his wedding. He saw his father about 3 or 4 times in almost 12 years without further contact. It was the only request I made and in hindsight I was wrong but it wasn't. It was my hostile reaction that made him no longer want a real and open relationship with me. He was wounded. That was 6 years ago and after a sincere apology from me. I never knew. He harbored unforgiveness and just let me chase after something he didn't want to offer me. Like everyone else here, I was devastated. That was a week ago and the pain in my heart just hurts.

        He says he plans on keeping us in his life and wants to move forward. I sent a simple reply, apologizing for everything that had hurt him and asking if he would consider meeting to try to restore our relationship. I firmly believe that his increasingly harsh treatment was my fault for doing everything he asked and consistently offering clemency. The ball is in his court because he knows reconciliation is at the core of our beliefs. love always forgives So we'll see. I expect nothing. I'm trying to find my way to acceptance and a life that brings me some form of joy. The hardest thing is finding a new vision for my final years. I never expected it, ever. With only one child, it becomes even more difficult.

        I'm sorry to go on for so long. Sometimes it helps to share your pain with others who understand you. I just wish there was a way for us all to get together and reach out a hand or a shoulder or a big hug. Are you allowed to share your location? Maybe just one state? I don't quite know the rules. If not, that's fine. I will keep you in my prayers and yes I know the women you mentioned. Jennifer Rothschild is good too. Thank you again Susan and may the comfort he offers be more than enough!

  • Susan Neson

    My husband and I have separated from our daughter. It's been over six months since she told us she doesn't want us in her life. We were completely taken by surprise. We went to this one from the best, loving, kindest, most considerate parents and grandparents in the world.MoreYes, there were conflicts, but we didn't think it was anything "abnormal". Yes, we should have worked that out, but after reading this article I see, and we have seen, where our daughter is lacking in maturity. She also has a husband who we are told is the engine behind this estrangement. I actually wrote in our granddaughter's diary that the day she was born I was afraid that one day our son-in-law would divide our family. My husband saw that too, but we both hoped we were wrong. We did not do it. We are mid 70's - caring for a daughter with special needs. We must stay in good health. All of our hearts are shattered and we have been heartbroken and depressed all these months. I have to start counseling or lose my mind. We can't talk to our daughter. When conflicts arose, everything about her husband I know was leaked, either misunderstood or leaked whatever he wanted to hear. This is one of the best articles I've read on the subject. This epidemic of our highly sensitive, immature adults worries me greatly. I had a mother who could have cared less for me. I never kicked her out of my life. I honored her until her death. I should have loved her more, but I treated her with respect and kept in touch with her by letter and phone (pre-computer days). Many days I just worry and worry. If we could talk to her, I know she would realize what she was told was wrong. Prayers to all who are suffering.
  • LoriRobbins1

    Amandar's comment is spot on. this is another really good and positive article without bashing anyone and bashing moms and dads and how to deal positively with alienation. Humans are human and will make mistakes. you will be abused somehow when you wake up. it just is. Nobody has a perfect family.

    right on!

  • DeniseR_ParentalSupport


    I can hear how painful this separation from your daughter is

    to you. Know that you are not alone. There are people you can turn to if the

    Situation seems almost too much to endure. I encourage you to look for opportunities

    Community support for separated parents. The 211 helpline would be able to do this

    give you information about resources such as parent support groups, counselors and other support services.

    You can reach the helpline 24 hours a day by calling or walking 1-800-273-6222

    online at Maybe you will too

    Support from our online community in the comments section of our article Much luck

    move forward. Watch after.

  • child abuse

    Like so many other articles on family alienation, this article completely downplays abuse. One of the main reasons children break off contact is to avoid abuse, and many parents totally deny that the abuse took place in the first place. While resources like these exist to feed the ego of narcissistic parents,MoreWhile downplaying their own accountability and focusing on the perceived "immaturity" of adult abuse survivors, these abusers will receive reinforcement for their denial. Many abuse survivors, myself included, have cut ties with their parents on the advice of psychiatrists to manage the symptoms of PTSD, and nowhere does your article address the serious psychological side effects of toxic parent-child relationships.
    • NoContactNow

      ChildOfAbuse As others have said, there are many reasons for alienation. It's not always neglect or abuse — sometimes it's a grown child wanting to reinvent themselves with a new story. In my case, I was a single mother who married a man with a son. my daughter leftMorefrom 50% of the family to 25%, which she may now reject. She talks about how I haven't shown a "genuine" interest in what's close to her heart: I've put her on soccer, dance, music, swimming, hiking, tennis, horseback riding, and other classes to help her find her interests — but she now claims it was about me trying to get her to be a certain way. I took her on trips, to live performances, camping, hiking, etc. Long long walks where she could vent her worries to school or friends. She often told me that we had a better relationship with her parents than any of her friends (and she confided in me what her friends' parents were like). he longed for as a child (the lessons, the time with the family). Guess what? When she moved in with him, my relationship with her went from warm and close to cold and distant, until she finally cut ties with everyone in her family just before her wedding. Now she's telling everyone she was emotionally abused by a narcissistic mother, she put labels on us all - labels that just aren't true. Everyone else in the family is close and doing well. The ironic? Her husband's family - with whom she is now closely connected - is clearly dysfunctional (drug abuse, extreme food body image, chronic unemployment and much sharing of loyalties and anger). I suspect she likes being around her because she feels superior to everyone (she has a better job than everyone else, is much more attractive, better educated, etc.). So when you say it's about child abuse, remember that in some cases it's a complex story with many elements creating the situation.
    • listeners

      ChildOfAbuse Sure. There's no question that some alienation is rooted in parental abuse. Some. But not all. And I hope you're not saying that every parent-adult child alienation is rooted in "abuse" by the child's parents. Because when you are, it's like saying a thousandMoreand thousands of parents out there who are currently estranged from their adult children and who are filling these webpages with horrific tales of grief and excruciating pain are also completely clueless idiots - and I have more faith in those around me to believe that in the case. We know and cannot assess every individual situation. What we do know is that there are certain types of abuse—sexual abuse, physical abuse, and certain forms of psychological abuse that we can all agree are just plain wrong. Other forms of abuse, and I see this as a much larger issue, are very subjective and controversial. Is it abuse or something else? We do not know it. It can be argued that an adult child's decision to cut off contact with a parent entirely while refusing to provide a reason for this complete cutoff is a form of emotional abuse. And there are many, many parents out there, by the thousands, who are experiencing this abuse right now. Now you can say that the adult child is doing this in response to something the parents did a long time ago, and I'll say that may well be, but that doesn't make the adult child's decision any less abusive. And I have a hard time rationalizing an adult child's decision to respond to a parent's "abuse" with abuse, especially when the parent's "abuse" isn't of the black-and-white-wrong variety but is instead controversial. It turns this grown child into a total, flaming hypocrite. Especially when what the adult child considers “abuse” might be a normal part of the parenting process for many.
      • Mastic8

        AListenerChildOfAbuse Such a complicated topic. Sometimes I believe that severing the parent replicates a way in which a parent can understand a child's feelings when they are being disciplined or neglected - in any way. These pages are filled with grown children saying they often didn't knowMorewhy they were disciplined or disciplined out of proportion to what they were doing, or why they were disciplined too much. The reason they never found out is because they couldn't or didn't want to ask for fear of their parents. These sites are also full of parents saying they don't know what they did and they can't get their kids to tell them, which sounds troubling to me like what the kids are saying about their childhood . Perhaps the child's alienation is an expression of the confusion, anger, and frustration that the child feels. The problem I experienced was that ending the estrangement didn't end the problems it caused, and the resulting relationship was very, very unsatisfactory and uncomfortable. At this point, I can't say for sure that restarting the relationship will work or is actually the best course of action. Sometimes you don't get what you want, you get what you need. Sometimes you need that other person in your life - even if it's your parents or your child. Picking up the phone doesn't end a problem, it starts a new problem. The dilemma of answered prayers.
        • Mastic8

          matik8AListenerChildOfAbuseGood points all. I think the parents don't get the message in the same way that the child didn't get the message from the parents when they were young. There is definitely a communication disorder. I think for any parent you found who said their child refused give a reason you could findMorea child who has said they have given the reasons, sometimes repeatedly, and is equally frustrated that for whatever reason the parents do not understand or are in an understandable denial with as much grace and dignity as they can muster. Time heals almost every wound, but for those who don't, that seems okay considering their very difficult decision.
          • listeners

            matik8AListenerChildOfAbuse Respect. It goes both ways. There is something utterly disrespectful about a grown child's decision to cut ties with their parents while refusing to explain it. They seem to think that feeling neglected or disciplined is intended to show the parent how confused the child was about the parenting process. Here's what I'll be watching about all of this. Parenting is complex, much more so for children to realize when they are just children. Parenting very often involves split-second decisions (like every day!), and they won't always be right. There is no single book or manual on how to raise children. Many parents assume from a "feel" or how they were raised (imperfectly in many cases). All the time, KIDS TEST. It is a fundamental part of childhood that we "test". Children test boundaries. It's part of growing up. And yes, parents make mistakes. We have bad days. Bad mood. We get rushed sometimes. We have flaws - all of us - including character flaws. There are no perfect parents or a perfect childhood. Every parent will make several mistakes when going through the process of raising a child and trying to be a good parent. In addition, every leadership position comes with criticism from the people you lead. Show me a "leader" whose subordinates all think he or she does a perfect job of leadership, and I'll show you someone who isn't a very good leader. We both point to the same person. Simply put, if you do a good job as a parent, you will annoy your children every now and then. Not on purpose (hopefully!), but because parents set boundaries and standards, and because kids are testing!

            With that in mind, I understand that every child that comes out of infancy has some level of issues with the upbringing they received. Every childhood has bumps and imperfections. I understand that many children may not have understood this or that about childhood. Roger that. What I don't understand about all of this is the passive-aggressive decision to cut off contact with the parent as a form of retaliation for perceived deficiencies in the parenting process. And on your point about the adult child believing they have made their reasons clear to the parents, what I'll note there is that I imagine that's true in some cases. Some. I would hazard a guess that in the vast majority of cases the adult child has refused to share, and this is consistent with what I've heard from many, many parents. These well-educated, sophisticated, late-middle-aged parents are not clueless idiots. We are talking about a large sector of alienated parents who are completely confused by the adult child's decisions and the adult child's utter refusal to communicate. Furthermore, it makes logical sense to me, since the issue of "why" is so emotionally difficult that many choose to simply say nothing as a way out. As a personal value, I believe the choice to remain silent is both emotionally insensitive/inhuman and a coward's way out. However, I'm sure there are isolated situations where the adult child has made his or her reasons crystal clear and the parents have refused to "hear" or understand.

          • Mastic8

            AListenermastik8ChildOfAbuse Thanks for sharing. I think we have to agree not to agree. You're stuck on the fact that kids cut off without explanation, I'm stuck on the fact that most kids repeatedly tell their parents why but for some reason aren't heard. I agree that every effort shouldMoreyou need to be made to keep the relationship going, but understand that sometimes it's impossible. As you said, parenting, if done right, will annoy your kids, similar to work and dealing with a difficult boss. As with working for a difficult boss, sometimes you never get over your differences and, although you've learned many new skills, you don't feel like being friends with that boss or even respecting them despite the lessons learned and skills developed. A relationship never exists. je.
        • listeners

          mastik8AListenerChildOfAbuse It should be noted that there are literally thousands of parents who have been cut off from their adult children and the adult child refuses to give any reason. Accordingly, the clipping you're referring to doesn't seem to always be "recreated in a way that a parent can understand...". It can beMorewell what the adult child intends, but like most messages of silence it is ambiguous, speculative and indeed generates endless brooding for most parents suffering from alienation. In my view, if an adult child makes the decision to separate their parent or parents, at least explain the reasons. It is clear to me that a personal conversation in such a situation is emotionally too difficult in many cases. But a letter or email is an excellent platform to express your thoughts without interruption or other confrontation. And I would hope that the adult child who makes the decision to cut contact does so with compassion and not vindictiveness in his/her heart and ultimately seeks reunion in his/her life after gaining independence . Time heals almost every wound...
  • Lori Cichocki

    I am a 44 year old woman who decided to take my mother out of my life. I love her very much, but she has done some very vindictive things to me. At 38, she didn't like the guy I was dating, so she called my employer and lied to him about me. My employer fired me. I was shocked that my employer believed everything she said. My mother also called my boyfriend's mother and told her nasty things about me. Thank god my friend's mom defended me and told my mom not to call her again. Toxic parents never really see their adult children as grown and capable of making their own decisions. She wanted me to lose my job back then, so I supposedly "needed" her to survive. She doesn't have GOD in her life. She is very judgmental towards me and others. She rarely has anything nice to say. I have a brain tumor and am unable to work. I need to keep my stress level to a minimum. I will not tolerate my mother's disrespectful attitude. I moved away from her for several hours. I finally have a drama free life. If a friend treated me as badly as my mother treated me, they would no longer be my friends. I don't trust my mother at all. She's stabbed me in the back too many times. Although my mother is not part of my life, she is in my prayers.

    I told my mom that since I love and respect myself I need to protect myself from her harmful behavior. Apologizing is not in my mother's vocabulary. She always tries to justify her rude behavior.

    • citizen mm

      LoriCichocki Unfortunately you had to make a very difficult decision and I think you made the right one. When someone doesn't respect your (appropriate) boundaries, you have no choice but to distance yourself. It sounds like you did this without vengeance or anger. Just self care.
    • Spirited lady

      LoriCichocki Good for you! stick to your decision. Your healthy attitude and strong self-care will help you recover from brain cancer. May God continue to bless you with courage and peace of mind.
      • Susi

        Temperamentvolle LadyLoriCichocki

        SadDad61 Me too, it's worse than death. I do not know what to do. I'm tired of praying Surely that is not God's will. I raised him, working the 3rd shift so I could be alone with him during the day and not take him to someone to accompany him during his waking hours. He slept at my mother's house, then I would fetch him. did that for 12 years. then was a full mother stay at home. it's not like he's been neglected. I don't know what to do and even if I got help I could only cry... it would be so embarrassing.

        • hope for peace

          @SuzySpirited LadyLoriCichockiSadDad61 We have been dealing with this sadness in our family for a number of years. Holidays are very hard - the fear of them makes me particularly sad. I saved for Christmas this year. I made it clear to myself that I couldn't cry about itMoreA gift that I had also given myself for the benefit of family members. I came home more peaceful - I had gone for a short time without crying every day and was able to carry that on. I'm still very sad. I also feel bitter. Regardless, I make an effort to send regular messages that I love her or miss her. I try to keep the positive relationships in mind. I'll be honest when people ask deep questions about her - I'll say she chose not to speak to us and we're very sad. Don't underestimate seeking help - therapists wouldn't judge the tears but hopefully could help you find perspective that helps you enjoy the parts of life where you have more control. The point of my post is to offer some encouragement that I'm still very sad, but I don't have the horrible feelings of despair I've felt through all of this.
  • amandars

    I like the article as it shows that cutting off has more to do with the adult child's lack of mature coping mechanisms for anxiety etc. Running away or no communication gives them some breathing room. I also think from a positive point of view that hopefully we will do thatMoreEducate children to think for themselves and not "follow the crowd" and go their own way. Sometimes they have to detach themselves from their parents to find their own way, especially when they feel that their path will be very different from their parents'. I also think it's important when the article states that "cutting off" concerns an inability to deal with the differences rather than a lack of love or concern. We as parents can review where we made mistakes, apologize if necessary, but the rest is up to the adult child and their ability to eventually be mature enough to forgive and accept parents as individuals with flaws and strengths like everyone else .
    • cmc1212

      amandars And parents need to accept their children as individuals with flaws and strengths like you. Parents also have a hard time dealing with differences and hopefully they are mature enough to understand that too.

    I, too, cut myself out of the lives of my 13- and 15-year-old daughters. And it's the most painful heartbreak I've ever had. I read somewhere that it's similar to losing a child. They're still there, but I can't see or feel them...

    I've been divorced for 6 years and her angry father didn't help the situation. It shouldn't be like that. Yes, we are divorced and our problems are/were our problems, not our children's. I don't know where I went wrong. Why I lost her love and loyalty. I thought I was her mother who should count something. Their father does nothing to foster my relationship with them, instead allowing them to make the choice not to see me or to include me in their lives. I raised her myself for the first 12 years of her life, her father was away on business most of the time. I was a stay-at-home mom and thought I was doing a good job. I don't have a close relationship with my own mother, so I vowed to do things differently and now I'm in the same boat. I am responsible for everything. I tell myself they must be in so much pain to cut me off but they seem alright. I want a relationship with them so badly, it's not how I pictured things. I am excluded from school activities, homecoming, friends, personal achievements, etc.

    I do not know what to do. I feel helpless. Do I keep trying just to get hurt? Do I continue to give? Sometimes I want it, but sometimes it hurts too much and the anger kicks in and I don't want it. But at the end of the day I love her and miss her.

    I feel like so much damage has been done. Because when I saw them when they didn't respect me, I felt like I shouldn't be their mother. If I said something, I would have to worry about making her angry and then not seeing me again. I try to talk to them but it just pisses them off. I don't know if it's age or what. I'm crying, I'm begging, I'm asking them to talk to me, but I feel like it's falling on deaf ears and they could care less. As if they just didn't want to deal with it. It's hard to go on like there's nothing wrong. I feel betrayed and I'm sorry to say that but my trust in her is gone. EVERYTHING I say or do comes back to her father and gets twisted into something ugly.


    • listeners

      LOSTANDHEARTBROKEN You might want to consider Googling "parental alienation syndrome." There is a world of information at your fingertips to peruse. You may get some insights into what's going on with your children, and maybe some answers, too, although that may not bring you much comfortMoreAnswers. When we know the root causes of a personal problem, the path out of that problem often becomes clearer and eventually emerges for us to see and act upon. It will be important to understand the root causes of the crack. I will also point out that the problem you describe will not be fixed quickly. It will take time and you have to be patient. I've read and digested a lot on this subject, throwing aside some information that didn't appeal to me while I found other information that really touched me. One such idea that I want to share is the idea of ​​focusing on giving only positive energy to your children. Whenever you communicate with your children, whether it's a card, letter, email, or voice message, make it loving and positive. "I love you". "I miss you." "I hope you are well" and "I look forward to a time when we can reconnect". "I will always love you no matter what". "I'm so proud to be your mother"...etc. Stay away from "problems" - this will not do any good in the short term. You may need to send nothing but positive energy for 5 years (or more!), but have hope that these messages will be received and your love felt. It's one of those things where, if you've done it for an incredibly long time with no response, you'd look back with pride at your decision to treat yourself with class and dignity. No negative energy. You have to accept that there is no good in directing negative energy in your children's direction. What they need from you as their mother at this point in their life may be nothing but pure love!! so give it And believe that good things will ultimately come to you through the positive energy you send out into the universe. love yourself!!! That's so important.
      • mollymolly1

        Thanks for this great advice

        AListenerLOSTANDHEARTBROKEN Thank you for your words and recommendation on parental alienation. You have helped me so much, more than you know. Thank you very much!
  • SharonNumnut

    I never thought that if you loved your child, you could accept his bad behavior. For years I've tried to help my son out of his bad decisions when I should have given him advice and nothing more when asked. I was taken for grantedMoreyears, when he was upset about something else, I became a scratching horse. I was the punch bag and he always knew I would love him no matter what. Now he hasn't spoken to me for a while and that was because I had decided to live my life and it might not always go according to his plans. I'm not going to call or contact him anyway. I'm not in a battle of wills, but I will take back the life he's been trying to live for years (my fault for letting it). He has his life and wants to lead everyone else. I'm not the only one he did this to. I love my son and always will, but if he can't respect me and stop this control issue, he has to run my life and tell me what to do, then it's sad to say it's better that way.
  • green stockings

    I am a 45 year old woman who has been estranged from her mother for 2.5 years. The last reason was that I made her aware of some of my negative feelings about our relationship. She partly listened, partly made up lies to cover up her negligence, apologized in imitation, and told me that if I wasn't willing to bury everything and sweep it under the rug, I shouldn't bother contacting her...her "didn't need my negativity."

    Their actions and lack of action totally caused this. Funny how I grew up hearing, "You can come to us about anything," but heaven forbid I go to her about a problem between the two of us. Since then I have contacted her a few times but she has no interest in honest communication and problem solving. I'm not interested in a fake relationship.

    • Maryswitzer2

      Thank you for sharing your stories. I found this to be a great support as I knew I was not alone in trying to deal with this
    • Maryswitzer2

      I am the mother of an alienated adult and I believe fear plays a role in the alienated parent-child relationship. We all seek happiness and contentment when we surround ourselves with people who share these qualities. For many reasons, children and parents experience fear, anger and cannot find itMorea way to get into a dead end of expressing feelings so the only option is the most hurtful one to get away must not use and abuse her role in the way your mother perceives your right to expect joy and happiness for yourself, if your mother is not on board and scares you. I feel a letter explaining to her about expectations and boundaries if she is not capable of understanding then you will find peace elsewhere good luck x Mary
    • Mastic8

      greenstockings After years of growing up neglected, I moved away and got busy with life. I am a middle child and entered my parents' life at the most inopportune moment, for them and consequently for me. There were two older brothers I grew up with watching them get beatenMorethe belt, then a younger sister, the only girl and, as it turned out, the youngest child. I never had a chance, but I don't want to bore you with the list of times I could have used the help that never came. Interesting how emotional neglect manifests itself - the first and in the end only time I was beaten up by my father, after seeing what happened to my brother I just knew that it would never happen to me. I stopped talking to him - completely. He freaked out when he was turned away by his 4/5 year old and that was the end of the caning. But I got his attention. Later I moved across the country and called as often as I could. Within the year, every call started with my dad saying my mom was upset because I didn't call enough. Then my mother would step in and demand better treatment. My mother later admitted that I was basically raising myself, but at the time she was the neglected mother. The irony would be amusing if it weren't so sad. I stopped calling. I didn't give them my phone so they only heard from me when I called. It didn't last too long, but long enough for them to get the message. They got as much as I could give and asked me for something I didn't have to give, causing everyone to be disappointed and upset. A parent experiences childhood through the eyes of an adult, a child through the eyes of a child. Not the same at all. What you have seen and experienced, your child has never seen and experienced in this way. These canings, which you thought would inspire respect and discipline, introduced a level of violence and fear into a young life that would be actionable if it hit an adult. All of these memories and feelings of neglect were carried into adulthood. Eventually I returned to the area I started in, decided it was revenge for not speaking to them, and resumed our broken, sad relationship that we never spoke about for fear of causing further damage . When you say, "I did my best," in an effort to gain some respect and connection, remember that your child feels the same way. One parent is dead, the other lost to Alzheimer's, I'm approaching sixty and I regret I ever picked up the phone again. My presence reminded her of her neglect of me, her presence did the same.
      • listeners

        mastic8greenstockings What you have taken the time to write here is exceptional on several levels. If, as you say, you're approaching 60, then you grew up in the 60's when spanking was a "normal" part of parenting. That went out as "acceptable" some time ago. Today, caning is related to child abuse. Funny, another thing that was there for kids growing up in the 60's was "Honour your father and mother". That went away too. That's when you realize that times have really changed. You'd think fewer spankings would mean less alienation. But the estrangement between parents and adult children is increasing. I contend that it has more to do with the cultural shift in the parenting process that took place in the 1960's and early 1970's when the notion of "honour your father and mother" evaporated into a "child-centric" focus.

        Reading your story makes me think that your parents must have suffered from severe personality disorders, probably borderline personalities. Of course I don't know, but it sounds like it. If you were able to grow up and not be affected by the same disorder, your decision to "educate yourself" would truly prove to be a lifesaver of sorts, allowing you to lead a normal life.

        I find your story unique. I don't think most people who are estranged from their parents even carry similar stories. Nonetheless, I am always an advocate for the adult child re-establishing healthy contact with the parent in a manner that the adult child deems appropriate. It sounds like you did, despite continuing to experience frustration with your parents' difficult personalities. I commend you for finding a path - albeit bumpy at times - that has enabled you to have at least some level of contact with your parents. This is exactly the sign of an emotionally healthy and mature person.

    • Alice88wa

      Greenstockings I know exactly what you are saying and I agree that parents can push their children away by being narcissistic abusers. However, I think there might be an advantage in telling them that the alienation isn't something they "caused" because that implies they have some control over it. ThatMoreBest for everyone involved in an alienation scenario is if somehow the narcissistic parent can be persuaded that they have no control over their child's decision to stay away and therefore should not attempt to repair the relationship. Let them complain from afar, it's better for everyone.
    • green stockings

      I just want to add that I'm not trying in any way to belittle the experiences of people who have become alienated for reasons unknown. I understand the pain and confusion this causes. I'm just saying that there are two sides to every story. My mom probably tells everyone how horribly I treated her when all I asked for was that my boundaries be respected and that she be honest. She wasn't a terrible mother, but both of my parents neglected my emotional needs and failed to protect me when I needed it. This created a distrust on my part and a distancing from them, both geographically and emotionally. In an attempt to explain this, my mother twisted it into, "You blame me for everything bad that has ever happened to you." That's not the case; she just doesn't listen. The more I tried to explain, the worse it got.

      In my case she was never the mother I needed and she lives thousands of miles away from me. Not having her in my life doesn't really affect me, but it's still sad to think that your mom could wash her hands off you so easily.

    • GingerMayor

      greenstockings I am very close to your age and have been estranged from both parents for a few years. I have experienced what you say about partial listening and false apologies. It has contributed to my need for distance because I can't identify with them and I know we areMorenot "on the same page". This is very evident in their repeated behavior of expecting me to accommodate them all the time, blaming me when I can't, interrupting when I explain myself, and walking away from me physically. I spoke but they never heard. If they understood me at all, their behavior would have changed and their guilt towards me would have ended. So I agree that it is the action/omission that can cause alienation. I give you credit for taking your negative feelings to your mother. What she does at this point is her choice. Then you can determine whether it is going in a positive or negative direction. I keep hearing, "You can't change anyone, you can only change the way they act/react." As for me, I feel like things are going in a negative direction, so it's on It's up to me whether I cut them off altogether or continue to endure the negativity while I see them on the few occasions.
    • Spirited lady

      Greenstockings You are right. Sometimes it is the parents who exclude the child. And sometimes that's because of the parents' inability or unwillingness to look at themselves and honestly work on the relationship. In fact, flight is her reaction to her own fear and merging. I think mineMoreBrother, sister and I, each in our own way, have worked around our mother's inability to handle criticism. We set our own boundaries and did our best to stay within their areas of a healthy relationship. All of us have been estranged from her at some point, but eventually she would make her peace with us. I think on only one occasion did she apologize (to my brother) for not speaking to him and his family for a year. In most cases, she simply extended an invitation and life went on. Unfortunately, some people are too fragile to tell the truth. We have learned to solve our own problems with her indirectly. Our mother had other qualities that made her worthwhile. Not all. May you be blessed on your journey. It's all growth, regardless of the outcome.
  • jg69

    My 24-year-old son is estranged from me. He came back from his last trip abroad and moved in with his father. his father spoke badly of me. instead of letting my son have his own understanding of me. My son and I were so close even while he was thereMorewas on his tour. we spoke often. I sent him a package with things he asked for. my now husband and i went with my sons to my sons graduation and we rented a cabin, we all had a very good time. Now I have no contact at all with my son. I don't know where he lives, I have no way of contacting him. The last words were that you are not my mother anymore and that was a response to not giving him a car. The car was a gift to drive, when he graduated from high school we threw him a big party and he was embarrassed about the gift of the car and threw the keys in my face. he moved out shortly afterwards and we still had some contact, but it became less and less over the years. When he came back from overseas she asked for the car and I told him we needed to get in touch. He refused and now I'm heartbroken. I send him gifts for Christmas and birthdays through my daughter and I get nothing, but I do it because I want him to know that I love AND MISS him. Everyone who knows us and knows us together says he doesn't treat me right and I haven't done anything wrong. I've made mistakes as a parent, we all know that. I would like to have a conversation and will listen if he gives me time. At the moment I feel that after more than 2 years I have lost my son although he is still alive. I feel like I have no chance of having a relationship. Everyone says his father is an influence, even my eldest son. I'm very depressed and I'm working on myself, but this is just heartbreaking. I really don't know how to go on with each day without knowing how he is doing or how he is doing in his life. please help
  • single parent

    I also have a 38 year old daughter who rejected me and forbade me from seeing my grandchildren. In all of these conversations, I read very little about the rights of the grandchildren who have a meaningful relationship with the grandparents. I may not have been the perfect mom, but after apologizing, not interfering in my daughter's marriage, and not making decisions regarding the children, ugly incidents still happened since she got married and walked on eggshells for years. I understand that she is very angry, her father is an alcoholic, I divorced when she was 6 years old, but she refuses to advise me, and her husband stirs up anger because of his own problems. After the last incident (about the repayment of a loan I made to my daughter and husband) the contact was cut off after a nasty argument with the grandchildren present - the parents insisted, I foolishly believed that we could solve the problem calmly and respectfully . I blame myself for exposing my grandchildren to this and have decided that it will never, ever happen in my presence again. I will love her forever (not sure about the mother) but I have to let her go to live her life in her family unit without me. I have compiled a file of various papers and will likely be writing them at various stages letters which will be made available to them should they be interested aged 25 and an executor should I die.

    But no more doormat, no more apologies, no more begging because THAT is the role model I have become to my daughter and son-in-law and I resent my grandchildren seeing me in that role. Someone said: Without respect there can be no love, since their parents don't respect me, they certainly won't either.

    I've also pondered the general concept of loving your child unconditionally - it applies to a young dependent child or even a young adult, but loving an adult child who is nurtured with love, care and education unconditionally is certainly a myth (maybe I have to use the word "limits"). .

    It's still hard to come to terms with.

    • JoStone

      Single Parents I also have an estranged adult daughter and like you said it's a struggle to deal with. Basically, I need to detach my feelings from parent-child love, which we all know is such a strong love. But it's part of accepting thatMoreI have to let go of her in my mind to not think about how much I love her and how much I wish things were different. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to let go.
      • Spirited lady

        JoStoneLoneparent Yes, of course it's hard to let go. But you shouldn't let go of love, only expectations. My son was very accusatory towards me after he got engaged. They set very strict limits on our (my son, not my stepfather and I) participation in their lives.MoreIt was a few years before it became clear that his wife insisted. It has become clear that he did it to accommodate her. In the meantime I really suffered. But eventually I realized that it was his/her decision, not mine, and I didn't have to beat myself up. I light a candle in church (I'm Lutheran and my church has a candle/prayer room) every Sunday for her and trust God to take care of her. I send gifts and cards. Occasionally I get a photo or advice on sizes or needs. They came to a big family reunion where I had a great time with my son and grandchildren. I'm so thankful for what I have. As long as my son's life isn't on the right track, I'm fine with what he thinks he needs to do. He knows I love him and I'm willing to accommodate his needs. Yes, I am disappointed. yes it is painful But he has to do what he thinks is best for his life. I understand that he prioritizes his marriage. It's undoubtedly sad for him and me. So I trust that God will bless my son and his family. I wouldn't call it "letting go". I would say adapt to the situation and hope for good things.
        • Lily Webster

          my son is also accommodating to his partner and we don't see him or the grandchildren anymore, his partner hates his sister and is unbalanced and jealous

          the pain this has caused us is indescribable, we also love our son who is a very good person and wish him and his family all the best but have to live the last part of our lives with the pain of our loss

    • Spirited lady

      Single Parents Pat yourself on the back for making MUCH progress in dealing with these COMPLEX issues. Children have an innate sense of what is fair. Your grandchildren can see through it all. And you may have had contact with them well before 25. It is important that they find a grandmother who has continued her life in a meaningful way and who is doing well, who can be a role model for them. I like your idea with letters they will read later.

      Her love for your daughter and through her for your grandchildren makes it all so painful. You can, as you suggest, love this protective wall and still build it to avoid being used, hurt and humiliated. Recognizing the validity of conflicting feelings is a lot to do with resolution.

      You're doing well. be peaceful

      • further

        Spirited LadyLoneparent I agree. Loneparent writes that maybe she wasn't the perfect mother. I propose that this mood be dropped as well. We are human and we make mistakes. The important thing is that we're doing our best at the time and that's all that matters.MoreRe your daughter and her family. With husband and children you come in 5th if you assume there are two grandchildren. Not only are you last in the immediate family lineup, but as the parent who raised the daughter, you have become an obvious custodian of everything that seems to be going wrong in her life. I applaud the manner in which you have chosen to distance yourself from her behavior. Forbidding you to see your grandchildren is the ultimate cruelty in my eyes. Your letters to your little ones are a great idea that will ease some of the pain of the breakup while also reminding you that you did not cause this situation and that you are impressively moving forward with your life path. All the best.
  • girls have to say

    I object. We cut off enforcing a line they consistently disrespect and lied to our kids about things we said, asked our kids to keep NPDMIL secrets (kids are 8 and 10), subverting our rules etc. She stole (took without asking orMoremention) $67,000 from me and my husband last year and only repaid some (not all...$26,000) reluctantly and only after she was hammered with the truth and held hostage to account. She lies about me, whopper, who doesn't seem to be motivated by anything except being embarrassed to say she wanted something herself... and those things are so silly. She has no ability to control her own desires... but she does ensure that her desired outcome occurs. The idea that all adult parents who take the life of grandparents make poor choices is offensive, inaccurate, and frankly dangerous. Personally we cut off because now the attempts at care are being made and my kids are into it... and I want to support their health by making sure they see that we are hearing and respecting their own boundaries. Adult children are often cut off because their parents with personality disorders do not allow a healthy alternative. And as for the confusion, I've sent several emails, several loooong texts that personally explained...they know EXACTLY THE PROBLEM and how to fix it. Our cause was family therapy, but it's just not a priority for them... and I'm pretty sure it was developed all around me.
    • Everything Mom

      @Girlsgottasay I don't think the article generally says that there is never a reason for children to cut their parents out of their lives. There are DEFINITELY times when it is appropriate, necessary, and healthy to sever ties with abusive, controlling, etc. parents. The article I thinkMoretries to help parents deal with children who have left them out of their lives for reasons we can't understand, or for small indiscretions or decisions that we feel should be forgiven.
      • Spirited lady

        All mom I totally agree with this statement. Adult children need to protect their children and themselves from manipulative, abusive, or controlling grandparents.
  • further

    Time 2 - In my view, your daughter needs space to grow up. You have every right to live your own life and I'm glad you found someone to share it with. I also know what it's like to be alienated from grown children. HappilyMoreFor me, no grandchildren are involved. Withholding grandchildren from grandparents is a common tactic used by those who can't handle it. Even so, I urge you to stay strong and put your energy into your current relationship. Your daughter knows where you are and when she is ready, she will contact you. When it comes to divorce or a different partner, relationships within the immediate family unit change, and it often takes time for this adjustment to be realized. I went through a harrowing time after my divorce (kids were in their mid 20s) and when they came back I insisted on not bullying anymore. Watch after.
  • Zeit2

    I'm so emotional after reading this. It's sad to know that people are suffering and a little bit of a relief to know that it's not just me. My daughter committed an act of total violence against me. And I kept wondering what I had done to her. Single parent, one child (mid 20s). I wanted to give her a life that I didn't have as a child. Sacrificed, scrapped, took any job, depended on welfare but made a good career (put in tons of hours), tried to compensate by giving as much as possible. Not too indulgent, she didn't get it all, but it was a pretty decent amount. I just wanted her to have a good life. Worked to ensure she was a good citizen, did charity work, but had traveled and cultured. I didn't let anyone hurt her like that, almost no dating. Then I finally met someone. She was 20 and in college and she didn't like him. He didn't particularly like her either. But everyone kept it polite. My husband gritted his teeth and offered to give her (and her boyfriend) a lift if we wanted to do anything from going to the market to going to a concert.

    When she got pregnant we offered to provide some help (no bundles, we can't afford much).

    But we were like all excited parents when a child is just getting started between gifts and loans. Then all hell broke loose. All the hate she had for my husband and I just erupted out of her. He brushed against her when he walked in front of her. We were going on vacation and my daughter let a brush pass her to become a scream of bloody murder. In retaliation/retaliation after we returned, she had some men attack my husband. It was caught on surveillance video. They destroyed the building, locked my car. The police viewed the video and she was immediately arrested.

    No excuses. Instead, I can't see her baby. She writes little derogatory posts about me on Facebook. And she makes me hate her.

    I vacillate between sadness and extreme anger. Between where did I go wrong and who the fuck does she think she is? I didn't raise them to be violent! I didn't raise her to be so hateful! And then I think I'm enlightened as I realize - good release, that's really how she felt. I was nothing but a frigging doormat, a wallet, and she's probably pissed because she wanted to have that baby and move back in and thinks she would have made it if I hadn't married. And how my marriage ruined their whole gravy train.

    • Mastic8

      Time2 I'm sorry you're going through this, but hold on to your anger. Your anger is the appropriate and appropriate response to this situation. Might even give you a perspective that empathy, understanding and forgiveness don't offer. Don't build him an altar, just use him and let him go. ThisMorealso requires you to grieve when necessary and then go and live a rich, fulfilling life, which requires you to send her postcards from whatever exotic place you happen to be.
  • MiauMama

    This is the best I've read on the subject so far. I realize it might not apply to everyone, but it's the first thing that makes sense to me. It's a no-blame approach that makes processing easier. Of course, this does not apply to situationsMorebut there is hope and understanding for many. Many Thanks.
  • Molly1


    Thank you for taking up a fairly common and important topic and providing guidance and empowerment to parents.

    I come from the background of an ancient culture that has thrived despite the ravages of time. This means our elders have seen EVERYTHING and found what works for ALL and incorporated the learnings into our lifestyles.

    That doesn't mean that these and other problems in life don't appear in our lives, just that we seem to have been given guidance to overcome them and get ahead of them should we heed the guidance in this wisdom.

    1. LOVE: a very simple, fulfilling, comforting emotion. Mystery as to why so many of us don't experience it and are always on the lookout for it?

    Do we even love each other fully, acceptingly and supportively? Even when faced with "unloving tyrants," perhaps we can learn to love ourselves first, which then makes it easier for us to love and accept others. My heart goes out to those who fall into loveless traps of fate, even in their formative years, and I pray for a spark to enlighten them of this fact, through a caring, good teacher, friend, or person or a pet. First experiences must be made with it. Then one should steadfastly hold on to it in order to receive all the benefits that come from it, mainly happiness.

    2. Very young children should be lovingly and persistently loved and boundaries taught. Respect should be earned by showing them, acknowledging their feelings at least to an extent, even if you disagree or acknowledging them, and then providing guidance on how to properly channel that frustration. To do this, the parent must first be a mature adult raised in a caring and nurturing environment that aims to create good, well-adjusted people.

    3. When you have a child who has grown onto your shoulder, treat them like a close friend for whom you have love and care, but respect them as a person whose contribution should be respected and appreciated as much as possible .

    4. What is the need to “empower” the entity already in the position of power as “parent”?

    Perhaps they now feel powerless because they have abused the privilege of being privy to their ward's feelings and desires and instead of guiding them as parents with the help, support, and guidance of the power within them to properly reach them, they felt she threatened or challenged and put down en masse everything?!

    5. To the children who are now adult in age, recognize your inner growth and perception and that of your parents may not have kept pace with your physical growth and maturity, but they must.

    You really need to accept your guardians as flawed as they are in order to first get along and communicate with them and then maybe even forgive and love.

  • Spirited lady

    Everyone has to take care of themselves first. If the relationship continues to be toxic, there needs to be distancing. Even apologies will not suffice if the behavior continues to be abusive. But not every child chooses distance because of abuse. Some parents want more thanMoretheir children can give and the child needs space to discover themselves and to establish themselves in the world of adults. And parents need to address their own issues.
    • TySahn85

      Spirited Lady The most logical answer I've read so far... I honestly think a lot of parents here are needy and selfish or something. If my kid wanted me to withdraw and give them space, I wouldn't have a problem with that because they need it. I do not understand whyMorePeople try to force interactions that aren't wanted, it's very weird stuff...
      • Spirited lady

        TySahn85Spirited Lady Separation/distance from his children is very painful, especially when it comes to finger pointing. Yes, many of these parents are very needy. And in many cases, the children have to build their walls to protect themselves. Parents need help to build their own emotional and social resources. Often theMoreParents don't see that if they focused on their own lives and formed new, healthy friendships and activities, their child(ren) would eventually take a different look and desire a relationship with them.
  • Plutonium-Eheringe

    I have to disagree with the statement "Your actions or omissions did not cause this." My father's actions and ongoing abuse combined with my mother's inaction to protect me HAD caused the estrangement. If your children have refused to interact with you, please take it easyMoreTake a close look at yourself and your actions.
    • Everything Mom

      @plutoniumweddingrings I think the author is referring to a non-abusive scenario as it states: “There are circumstances where separation from a parent is the only viable option for an adult child (age 18+), for example in Fall from past or present physically, emotionallyMoreor sexual abuse by a parent”. I don't like the life choices they have or make like I do. I think this article addresses those situations. BTW - I also severed all ties with my parents for the same reason as you. A stepfather that was a child molester and a mother that condoned I feel your pain!
  • further

    I know I'm not good at relationships. My parents belonged to a religious sect and I was born into it. When I left, her door was closed on me. All contact has been severed. I survived alone, but at a cost. I got married, had two beautiful childrenMorebut the marriage was unhappy. My girls (now adults) supported me when I left their father. Currently, my oldest daughter (early 40) does not speak to me. Looking honestly at this situation, I know I've had a short backup, and while I love my children dearly, I wasn't always an easy parent to deal with. I think Debbie's advice is good. I apologized to both girls and tried to change. My oldest daughter is about to go outside with her husband for Christmas. I will send her a card.
  • Everything Mom

    I am mother of 2 children. 30-year-old man and 28-year-old woman. My daughter was my best friend until a few months ago. I live an hour away but we have met up every Saturday to do things together and with her two children are now 4Moreand 9 we even recently (July 2015) vacationed together in California, her and I and their two children. The day we got back I texted her to make sure she got home safe and her reply was 'leave me alone. I need some space." I do not know what happened. She says I've changed. She says I'm different now and we can't be "friends" anymore. My role in my grandchildren's lives is now a long-distance relationship. I did something wrong, I admit that. I have been with a married man for 4 years. I never told her that. She met him and I lied. I have lied about many things over the past 4 years. In April of this year I told her the whole truth. She said she forgave me but never to lie to her again. I thought we were ok. Now I can't even see my grandkids at Christmas and she won't even let me talk to them to see what they want for Christmas. I have apologized several times but she says there is nothing I need to apologize for, she just doesn't want me in her life or around her family. I do not know what to do :(
  • GingerMayor

    Parents believe they are entitled to a certain place in their adult children's lives or want their children to give them validation and purpose. This is flawed thinking that will only widen the gap. I've seen my mother get angry when I don't answer her call orMoremessage back within 20 minutes.... my mom calls and leaves a message, then my dad calls and leaves a message asking me to call my mom, then my mom and dad will continue to call every 20 minutes and leave messages. They call my cell phone, my husband's cell phone and our home phone. How do you think behavior cultivates something good? There's never an emergency, they just didn't want to be ignored. I told my dad during a call that he had crossed the line and he told me I was a bad attitude and hung up. They refuse to believe that they are doing anything wrong. Another example of her alienating behavior is when I made a side dish at Thanksgiving dinner that wasn't exactly like my mother used to make and she refused to eat it. Then, on another occasion, my husband's brother mentioned that my husband recently borrowed some tools to paint our garage. My mother was upset that she wasn't the first to learn that my husband and I had decided to repaint. All I want to do is move further away from them.
    • Lori Cichocki

      GingerMaynor I understand the phone calls. My father often called and texted me, sent me numerous pictures of his pets. I told him I only want to chat once or twice a week. He didn't deal with that very well. He started insulting my intelligence. IMoretold him that I only allow positive people into my life. I prevented him from reaching me.
    • Everything Mom

      Ginger Maynor I think you're right about the parents. As a parent of 2 adult children, I believe I have the right to have a specific place in their adult life. My children made many mistakes growing up and some were hurtful, but my love for them is unconditional and no matter what they say or do, that will never change. Is it wrong to expect the same unconditional love, that unbreakable bond, from your children? As adult parents, we make mistakes, say the wrong thing - often. We too are constantly changing. Aging moms go through menopause and basically go insane, but through no fault of their own. We are faced with an empty nest where we are no longer defined by parenthood and need to redefine and find ourselves. Also, you mom and dad always had their kids to unite them, but when you're gone we look at each other and say, "Now what?" I'm not saying you're wrong, you're not! I don't say her wrong, you don't! What I'm saying is that maybe stepping back and putting yourself in their shoes might help you understand their behavior better? Also, it sounds like you, your husband, and your parents need to go to lunch one day and talk respectfully about what you need from them to be happy and listen to what they need from you to be happy. If you both talk respectfully, should you be able to agree on mutual respect and happiness? Much luck!

      • GingerMayor

        All momGingerMaynor Thank you All mom for your contribution. It's good to get other perspectives. I don't think there is anything wrong with believing that your children will love you unconditionally. I really love my parents very much and appreciate the good things they have done. I just think it takes timeMoremore than love to have a good relationship. For me, it's about valuing the individual, even if they "agree to disagree". I can't stand up for myself without hurting my parents. It forces me to choose between my own individual needs and theirs. My parents are 75 and I'm 42. Two years ago, after spending 40 years with my mother on Mother's Day, I told her I would be spending the day with my husband's family and asked if we could go to her house could come and take them out for dinner to celebrate the day before (Saturday). She immediately told me she was very hurt and told me to "just forget about partying all year" and hung up. I called her back and she didn't answer my call. I sent her my gift and card and called her again a few days later but she still didn't answer my call. So this is one of many situations where I understand her behavior as manipulative and expect me to arrange my plans to meet her needs or to subordinate my husband's desires to hers. If she doesn't get her way in every situation, she's just saying how much I hurt her. This is a lifelong routine of hers. When I got married she went behind my back and changed the wedding cake I had chosen because she liked another one better. Every time I've told them their behavior has crossed the line, they just say I have a bad attitude and either walk away or hang up. Dialog didn't work. Now my parents only complain that they don't see me anymore and that I never call. It's not that I don't love her, it's just that my parents want the relationship at the expense of my own needs.
        • Spirited lady

          GingerMaynorAll mom It doesn't sound like your parents are open to reason to me, but if you haven't sat down with them then that would definitely be fine. I am the father of an adult son. I think parents have a right to be treated with respect, but that's all.MoreIn addition, it is a matter of choice on both sides as to what they are willing and able to offer and accept. If the parent wants it all or nothing, that is the parent's choice and the adult child need only explain that there are boundaries and boundaries and that they expect those boundaries to be respected. The same is true when adult children expect a parent to be available to them. Everyone needs boundaries to have a healthy relationship. There may not be agreement on the limits, but I choose to have as much relationship as my son and his wife will allow...which is very little. But whatever it is, I'm grateful for it. You have the right to make the choice that you believe is best for you. I'm confident that respecting their boundaries will ultimately lead to a stronger relationship. Parent-child bonds are deep and enduring. But the relationship needs to be worked out...ongoing.
          • GingerMayor

            Spirited LadyThank you for your insight, Spirited Lady. I was actually just expressing my limit. It came after my father verbally abused me again over the phone. I said, "I beg you to stop the negativity and criticism directed at me. I don't think I deserve it and I doMorecan't tolerate this." He responded with a new series of attacks. I tried to interrupt the dialogue but he interrupted me and hung up. It didn't work. At this point I interrupt my father completely. I will him never contact me again, but when he gets to the point where he misses me and contacts me, I'll tell him, "I asked you to stop criticizing and you didn't. So I'm telling you I don't." want to have further contact with you." I carry the burden of having to make this decision to separate my own parent and it hurts. However, I will have peace knowing that I have expressed a boundary and he didn't respect it. I will have peace too, I communicated that clearly. Such relationships are not sustainable. However, I hope for your experience because you recognize your son's right to his limits sc heinen and even grateful for your part in his life. Even though it's small, I think it's a great foundation for good things to grow on.
          • Spirited lady

            GingerMaynorSpirited Lady Hello Ginger. Pat yourself on the back for standing up to your father. You set your limit and after one more try he stopped and hung up. He's not used to boundaries, so he was nervous and hung up. It's good. When setting boundaries, it doesn't matter how the other person reacts. It is important to keep the boundary. But that doesn't mean you should give up on the relationship. The purpose of boundaries is to facilitate a positive, healthy relationship. You are making progress.

            It is very likely that you will receive a call from someone else in the family to side with them. You have to be prepared and just tell them. "I love you all, but I feel like you are criticizing me unfairly and I will not listen to this anymore. If you want a relationship with me, you have to be respectful.”

            Again, they won't know how to deal with it. So you just stand there and say, "I'm not going to discuss this any further. I set that boundary, and if you want a relationship with me, you have to respect it." You can hang up. If not, you can hang up.

            It may take them a few months to get used to it, but I'm sure they'll get used to it eventually...maybe quickly. If they call and pretend nothing happened, that's fine. It will be a long time before they apologize, if ever. But all they ask is that they stop the unfair behavior. That is your condition and you stick to it.

            Each time they relapse and start again, you go through the same process. It gets easier every time. You'll just say, "You know, I'm not listening to this." You will retreat. Once they've made the decision to change, it's just a matter of reminding them that the limit is still there.

            You're doing well.

          • The writer

            Spirited LadyGingerMaynor Dies - SET THE LIMIT.

            Children who grow up in permissive households do not understand boundaries because they have never been set one. They must know that they cannot exceed the set limit. Good spirited lady.

          • further

            GingerMaynorSpirited Lady I agree with both posts regarding respecting boundaries. My adult daughter asked me to leave her alone, so I respect her request and get on with my own life. I'm not completely cut off - we exchange Christmas cards and celebrate birthdays - but itMoreIt would be wrong of me to ignore her request. I can honestly say I don't feel any bitterness or regret. The situation is as it is. My daughter is estranged from both her father and sister. I'm divorced, but occasionally her father calls me to ask about her. I have no problem with that since he is her father after all. However, I am not allowed to mention either her father or her sister. The bottom line of all of this is that I'm not ready to make that commitment. Past conversations have felt like stepping on eggshells around them.
  • Arun

    I was subjected to significant emotional and physical abuse just for changing my religion. I come from a country where parents must be worshiped as gods, so no one would help me. If I hadn't gone, I would have committed suicide. The fault is not mine, the fault isMorewith those who perpetuate the abuse. This website needs to deal with that and not take a biased one-sided view in support of parents.
    • listeners

      @Arun I think the article and many of the comments are from the child's perspective, not just the parent's. i am a parent Based on what you have said about your individual situation, I welcome you for your exit. You must be allowed to be everything you really are andMoreThe only way to find out when you're becoming emotionally smothered in a family dynamic rooted in deep cultural and religious prejudice is to flee the nest. That said, I would encourage you to go back at some point in your future life with your family, including your parents, and let them see that you are (whether they like it or respect it or otherwise). Realize who you are. Love you first. Be confident. Find peace within yourself. And when it all comes together internally, then you are the emotional and physical rock that you are and that is something to share with your family. I encourage you to be open to a loving and healthy relationship with your family that is on your terms, with appropriate, respectful boundaries that project and encourage reciprocity and tolerance. And if that's not good enough for your people, it's their loss, not yours. But if you allow the alienation to be permanent, I respectfully suggest that you allow yourself to let out negative, hurtful energy, and nothing good will come of it. Stay above. Be the person who exudes dignity, kindness, compassion and class. If you do this, you will not be afraid to go back in time. You will have risen above it forever. You will have moved fully forward. It involves both an emotional attitude and physical detachment, and alienation is a powerful negative physical and emotional response that roots in hurt and further harms a family.
  • Johanna

    am mother My daughter became estranged six years ago. Reason: "You were sick and that caused me pain". I've made up for my recurring chronic illness. The same daughter, now 51, said: "I know you did your best, never abused me and know I was loved.MoreI was tired of making amends and reaching out for three years.. I kept looking at myself for the crime I had committed and realized (finally) that I was a very good, loving mother who never did had earned. For those who alienate their mothers, please explain. No, she is not mentally ill or on drugs. She is happy, balanced and living a good life, for which I am grateful. But the pain is terrible, terrible. She came from a very loving home. She never had to lift a finger. We gave her everything we could and the most important thing is love and acceptance. She was a good child and a good person. So I'm lost Enough said. No need to lie I understood the reason, I apologized even though it wasn't really under my control. Being sick is not good. Of course not. And I did my best to make her have a good life. Intact family, financially well off and always lots of love and affection. So what did I do wrong?
    • Susan Neson

      @joan Joan I feel like you except my husband has been diagnosed with cancer. We've been a bit preoccupied with his treatments, trying to navigate a maze of recent moving to a large metropolitan area. I think it's okay to think about it and do itMoreThings for them all the time, but when we get sick as older adults or have to deal with difficult things, it's time to throw ourselves out the door. It's horrible and as close to hell as I ever wanted. I sincerely hope that your daughter, like ours, will grow up and our life will be better. Her husband is a manipulator, which we realized too late. We played right into his hands. We keep fighting for that. we were so stupid But it is what it is and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. We've been estranged for 7 months - it's getting a little less heartbreaking....better some days than others.
  • Schom

    I stopped talking to my mom 10 years ago when I realized she didn't respect my boundaries or parenting skills. My mother spent her adult life dividing her world into villains and victims. My daughter's father and I divorced when she was about twelve. Any problem, myMoredaughter was attributed to the "miserable life" she had, and my mother was forthright in telling this to relatives and anyone who would listen. When my then 15-year-old daughter slapped me in the face a month before my brother's wedding, my mother rushed in to tell her she had every right to hurt me. My daughter and I had a little argument before a milestone birthday party my mother was throwing for me. She asked my daughter if she should cancel the party. But the icing on the cake came about 10 years ago. She and my ex-husband bought my daughter a car without even discussing it with me. My daughter crashed the car three weeks later. My mother couldn't understand what she had "done wrong". My ex has been jailed three times since then. And that was the end of my relationship with my mother. I miss the large, loving family groups I knew earlier in life, but no one will leave and I really can't take them anymore.
  • Ellie

    Trust me. I dumped my parents and there's a damn good reason for that. BEST decision I've ever made. If they would just take a look at themselves, they would understand why!
    • Anne

      Thing is, they never look at themselves. Instead, they blame us for the searing emotional wounds they inflicted and rub salt on them later when they are held accountable.
      • GingerMayor

        @Anne I agree that parents never look at themselves. I've told my parents countless times when I realized their behavior had crossed the line, and they told me the same thing every time — that I had a bad attitude. or I was too sensitive. So I just stoppedMoretalk with you. It was too exhausting to keep them happy, only they eventually got angry and then felt like I had to defuse the situation over and over again.
  • Acer Xpress

    That was a good article, sometimes distance is the best thing for two people to stand back and look at themselves and how they continue to contribute to the dysfunctional relationship. Of course, when parents have a very close and healthy relationship with their grandchildren, it will hurt them when they have to be separated from their grandparents.

    I have read many comments on this site that if a grown child literally wants to break up with you then that is their choice. Yes, it hurts, but you need to take care of yourself and make the most of your life. The worst is driving yourself into ill health and being cheated out of the other beautiful things that God has blessed you with.

    For the adult children who grew up in broken families, it would take a lot to be reunited with their parents and those parents should apologize and really treat their daughter or son with the utmost respect. For the parents who have done their best, we are not abusive, then take a break and just live your life. Volunteer to help children who would love and appreciate your maternal qualities and surround yourself with people who appreciate you without strings attached (money or material gain).

    Life is too short, I recently lost my mother and wish I had spent more time with her. She did her best, my childhood would have justified the alienation and I couldn't use the past for how I lived or felt in the present. I chose to have her in my life, it was my choice and I was mature enough to just take a seat when I needed to. In the end I knew that she always loved me and I loved her, that's what life is about.

    Circle of life, you don't know until you become a parent how challenging it is to raise a child, you don't know how difficult it is to have a grown child until you become one. Now I see what she did and I hope mine comes around. But if she decides never to do that it will be painful, but just knowing that it makes her happy, I have to accept that, move on and just love her from afar. Grandchildren will grow up and remember us.

    • listeners

      Acer Xpress Agree with everything you say, with one small exception – you suggest that when your daughter becomes estranged from you, you can accept it “knowing it will make her happy”. I have a hard time believing that someone who has made the decision to become alienated from a parent is "happy" as I understand that word and that emotional feeling. Alienation is pain - pain for the person who chooses to be alienated and pain for the person who has been pushed away. I suppose there are rare situations where alienation can lead to greater happiness, but my best guess is that every person who chooses to become alienated has a big hole in their life, unresolved anger issues, and is struggling to them to find the power of forgiveness for past pain suffered and similar emotional feelings. In addition, the person who chooses to be alienated also regularly encounters the sights and experiences of loving parent-child relationships, and that would likely trigger a feeling of a gaping void in that person's life.

      It is in the nature of our being that we have relationships with our parents. Man is family oriented. We were all born wired a certain way. Part of this wiring is that we are attracted to relationships and especially family relationships. We are not lone fighters. Therefore, I contend that most alienation is equally painful for both parties, allows conflict to remain unresolved, and most of the time nobody benefits from the alienation.

      • Believe

        Some of us who have chosen to end relationships with toxic parents are actually very lucky. Certainly there was a period of grief over the loss of the fantasy parents I wanted, but 2 years after being out of touch I felt happier and freer than I had ever felt in my life.
  • GLO

    I noticed that the last part of my comments that I typed at the end got deleted. Now I want to believe it was deleted to protect my child; so it's ok This article was written by her on July 14, 2015 and had a lot of frustration and bitternessMoreagainst family, university etc. I think they felt the system had let them down. You're still angry. So I'll be patient and hopefully this will all be over soon, although it's painful.
  • GLO

    This article was very helpful. It is so painful when your child becomes estranged from you. It's harder when the father who didn't live in the house with you two says, "You're grown," but it feels like death to you. My adult childMoreI was very close "sort of" but I now realize that I had no control over the situation. I found that we understood each other very well. So I not only buried my brother on August 15, 2015; The day they decided to leave they lost their grandmother days before and I lost a friend in their father fairly soon after due to this estrangement. When I got home from the funeral, I was surprised with a horrible letter that startled us all. I didn't know if someone had kidnapped and/or injured her. She left her phone and all her belongings behind. She shut down her Facebook page. I saw her at her aunt's house that day, and that was the last day I've seen her since. Even now it can only be found on pages by mail. only box. I feel anger, disappointment, sadness and rejection. When I look back, I feel like I can see something coming. My kid was so frustrated with his job hunt. Although she was a college math teacher who would soon be completing her MBA in May 2015, I think they had plans for themselves that didn't materialize. Well, those plans might not have included me, but that was fine. I wanted her to leave home well adjusted, happy and stable. I thought I would support them by telling them that I was not under any pressure. I told them they were blessed to have a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on the back, money in the bank. and good credit and was so much better off than many unemployed people. I tried to explain to them that they were not alone in this situation. I mean we prayed every night. I tried to encourage them as much as possible. I only recently learned that they are still reeling with anger, as shown in this article.
  • Adrian Ritter

    I don't think estranged parents are left in the dark.

    I think they choose to be there because it's easier to play the victim than to admit all the ways they've wronged their children, whether on purpose or not. And it's easier to repeat the same patterns than to meet your children's emotional and psychological needs. (Don't make a blanket apology for 25 years of BS and then make more of it over the next 5 years.) Successful relationships involve two-way efforts and mutual compromises, and some parents don't feel like they owe it to their own children , at least not in the same way they would owe a suitor or a friend.

    I also think a lot of parents expect their kids to give in to them and default to being more considerate of their feelings simply because they are the authority figure in the relationship. And when that doesn't happen, find them handling articles like this one to validate their mistakes (and feelings).

    I'm not saying that every kid who cuts off their parents is right; All I'm saying is that it shouldn't be so easy for parents to dismiss the choices of those who do as narcissistic, disrespectful, immature, or whatever other nonsense makes them feel better — and appears above.

    There are many of us who have put our parents' needs and feelings ahead of our own throughout our lives, only to have them cry "bad" when the relationship is no longer on their terms, once we have some backbone or help from the outside are looking for a qualified professional to help us know better.

    • Royann

      This might be the case in some cases but there are parents out there who are truly in the dark and hurting because of their adult children’s behavior. In my case my oldest son was very doting very respectful very sweet especially when he needed money. He frequently borrowed moneyMoreof me his ex-in-laws his own grandmother who is living on social security etc. and when he said mom I need $1000 to fill my propane tank because he missed managing his money. The straw that brought the camels back in our case was that he called me and needed $25 because he was out of money for gas to get to work $25 the next day he and his now wife posted on facebook, that they were sitting in their favorite coffee shop having coffee and breakfast and finally when I didn't say enough anymore my almost 30 year old son with the federal job no was no longer going to be the recipient of money due to his own decisions he cut all ties not only did he cut all ties, but he did it in such a hurtful and painful way to intentionally cause as much harm as possible, and that's the same son who claims to be a good Christian spends several days in the week at church and is currently studying to be a pastor. sometimes it's really up to the child that the parent did everything they could do beyond what they probably should have, only to finally win enough to see meets the reaction of a spoiled child.
    • crying

      I understand if a parent refuses to admit the harm they have done and wants to deny their part in the abuse, I am a victim of incest from a very young age. A lot of crap happened to my Christian parents ,,, A lot of apologiesMoreand denials... I still saw her from time to time,,, but only after much guessing and forgiveness. I've made peace...but I'm heartbroken that after years in her teens and twenties my 28 year old daughter won't come home or call or text because we tried to point her in the right direction . She takes no responsibility for her own decisions. She thinks we don't accept her because we didn't agree with her decisions, because we feared her safety. I feel unfair to her...abandoned. We didn't abuse her, she just wanted to do what she wanted. I think it goes both ways. I grieved and understood what we did to make her feel unloved, I tried to make things right for her. But she just decides to leave us,,,,It hurts because I didn't do that to my mom. I guess I have to accept that she won't do what I did. Be there and forgive........
    • Kate

      Adrian Knight Thank you for your comment.
    • GingerMayor

      Adrianne Knight I totally agree with you that parents seem to think that simply because they are the "authority figure" their adult children will give in to them and be more considerate of their feelings by default. They feel ignored or unimportant when the relationship is no longer defined primarily on its terms.MoreMy parents were never able to adjust. An example of this is when my father called my hospital room when I was in labor with my first child (his first grandchild). I didn't call him with news because I was - you know, in labor - but he kept calling the room every 10-15 minutes until I finally removed the phone from the wall. He never understood that his behavior was wrong or that he was driving people away. Now he and my mom are wondering why we don't talk as much anymore. They ignored the verbal and non-verbal cues and refused to adjust their behavior.
    • CLC

      It's sad when some parents don't take responsibility for their actions over the years. But for some of us we tried our best. I take responsibility for my actions. I did what I had to do to become a better person and to loveMoremyself.. Some of us do not understand what is at the heart of the problem with our child! Worse, they don't say a word about what's bothering them. Yes, I made many mistakes. But when my son came to me and said I needed help like counseling, I was willing to do anything if it meant my son and I could understand and communicate better. No, that was 3 years ago, I'm much better, I've grown and I love myself, but I had to find out for myself. Many of our family problems have to do with grief! His father died when he was 24. He was an only child. From then on it went downhill. The sadness never ends. We had more deaths in the family, my father, my other half, my boyfriend, cousin, sister in law. I'm working through it. But he sees that it has nothing to do with him. He'll sweep everything under the rug. The only person my son opens up to is his girlfriend.
    • deleted_94481093_Mom23456

      Adrianne Knight Big generalization about parents.
    • Anne

      Absolutely well explained. Eloquent and bright!
    • GLO

      Adrianne Knight Well I agree that my child felt that I was controlling and narcissistic, but still all I thought about was her. Yes, I bought them clothes, hair products, food, anything they wanted. This kid never bought anything. I realize they didn't careMoremany things. They didn't care about the same things as other young people their age. Actually, I thought it was good and saw it as selfless. I thought I would reward them for being so selfless. I think when I took a personal interest in their clothes, that was interpreted as a control. I should have left her alone - I agree. That being said, anything else should have been viewed as a supportive effort by my prospects. What I was left with was that I was slapped in the face. If there was a problem dealing with their safety individually or as a unit. Well, my problem is that they never expressed those feelings to me. I wasn't abusive. We never yelled at each other or even argued. They often came to me for my opinion and seemed comfortable enough, but I guess I was wrong. If they felt threatened in any way; they could have expressed that. I thought you were the model adult child. I think I put her on a pedestal; consequently spoil them. They felt like cannibals. No, I was a child eater. I now think it was wise for old-school parents to strongly suggest that you step out on your own once you grow up. If not, it has a chance to backfire.
    • Lola

      Adrianne Knight This is the only answer this nonsensical article deserves.
    • listeners

      Adrianne Knight It is clear from your letter that you have become estranged from your parents and this is rooted in your feeling that your parents treated you unfairly. I am in no way questioning your feelings. I accept that you have been wronged and I am not judging your choice. However, I will say that sweeping statements like "I don't think alienated parents are left in the dark" are probably exaggerated.

      Surely there must be many parents who know, or should know, what's going on, the "why," the "what for," and so on. But surely there must also be parents who are completely in the dark, who cannot understand - for whatever reason (including their own lack of intellect), who do not play the "victim card" as you suggest, who are not sufficiently psychological are developed to see themselves as their children do and lack the ability to look within themselves and see their shortcomings as a parent and/or as a person.

      We are flawed beings, all of us, and some more so than others.

      I fully accept boundaries—emotional and physical—to bridge the estrangement within the nuclear family. In fact, I would agree that there are some very serious situations that require an extreme boundary of ZERO relationship because of the abusive qualities of the parent-child relationship. However, those "qualifications" aside, it seems to me that alienation in general is not the answer to many of the things you raise. Indeed, as you have outlined, alienation will breathe more life into a state of dysfunction.

      I would suggest that the better way is to continue to love, be kind and compassionate - in a mature way. express love. feel love Feel compassion. Albeit from a physical distance. Establish your own mature identity as an adult. Having faith in that person comes from loving yourself, accepting yourself and your family, your upbringing, the flawed upbringing you were subjected to, and so on. Let the dysfunction that existed in your upbringing die with you. Don't give it any more life or energy. Alienation is a hurtful thing...

      Do not concern yourself with parental excuses for alienation or whether a parent is wrong in blaming the child. People blame every day to avoid taking responsibility, and this has been a normal human coping mechanism, literally forever. And it always will be. You can't stop it, and your parents aren't the only ones doing it (kids do it too!!). But!! Just beneath the surface of these pleas of innocence and finger-pointing, if you listen carefully enough, you will hear the guilt. Because guilt is often a mask.

      There is a better, stronger way than alienation. This is the way you want. It is filled with love, compassion and kindness - all empowering personal qualities that make you rich in confidence. I promise.

      • Everything Mom

        AListenerAdrianne Knight Thanks for everything you said in this answer! In all relationships, only kindness, love, mutual respect and communication are necessary. Children will do the wrong things, say the wrong things, we will get angry, upset, even hurt, but we love them unconditionally. The parents will do thatMorewrong things, also say the wrong things. We are flawed by design. Add that our lives are changing with the loss of our children in our homes, the addition of grandchildren, spouses, and the often difficult to swallow challenges of growing old. If children and parents alike could always use respect and communication in their dealings with one another, perhaps alienation would not be an epidemic but a rarity? I wonder if that was so common 40 years ago?
      • GLO

        AListenerAdrianne Knight AListener, you sound so encouraging. I don't agree with you as a parent, but as a person in general.
      • Adrian Ritter

        AListenerAdrianne Knight Thank you for your thoughtful response.

        In your words "as an adult" with my own family, the thought of estrangement was particularly difficult. In the end, however, it turned out to be the most emotional - I finally know something like peace. Sometimes you have to put your own well-being first, even when you've been taught that love and compassion require the exact opposite. But where is the love for yourself? Don't we have the right to protect ourselves and treat ourselves with compassion?

        I was so conflicted (and guilt-ridden) that I felt the need to stop speaking to my mother, so I sought counseling and eventually a therapist. No one says alienation has to or should last forever, and that's not my intention. But I'm old enough to know when someone isn't willing (or able) to accommodate me or when I'm being taken advantage of. Honestly, I don't need that in my life and I shouldn't have to raise my parents.

        I don't think alienation promotes dysfunction. I believe it *can*, but I don't think it does. Just like a married couple agreeing to a breakup, I believe space can give people a chance to reflect on what matters most and assess if the relationship is worth saving. And some people, no matter how much you love them and try hard to make things work, will always be toxic, ruthless, unyielding fiber who take care of your needs like they take care of invisible money.

        As for your closing statement, I am already rich in confidence. It takes self-respect and self-confidence to realize that you owe yourself the same respect that you show others. For the first time in my life, I'm putting my needs first.

        • Watch after

          Adrianne KnightAListener I totally agree with what you wrote.
  • Addieb

    Hello, I'm not sure where to even start, I have 3 sons who I raised pretty much alone, their father died 7 years ago after a long debilitating illness. Even before his illness, he was a terrible husband and father as he was addicted to cocaine, porn and abusiveMoreall of us in many ways. My sons are now 28, 24 and 22 years old. I spent her childhood protecting her from his addiction and abuse while trying to make her believe he was a nice guy because I knew he was going to die. Now I struggle with each of them in different ways, they have all become remotely rude and I feel like they are only nice to me when they want something from me. The two older ones live at my house, they don't clean up afterwards, and when I ask them to bring down their dirty dishes or help with the lawn, take out the trash, etc., they either get rude or say, "I'll do that later" , and later never comes. My middle son has a daughter that I babysit Monday through Thursday each week and although he lives here he does little to help her. My youngest son moved in with his girlfriend, she is bipolar and has told me she doesn't take her meds, she is very rude and disrespectful and often gets in my face when she doesn't like what I'm saying, even on my own A house . None of them have any post high school education, she has had 3 jobs in the past year, was fired by one of them for failing a urine drug test, she asked me to loan them money to get her a car sign and she is now using the cell phone that I got for my son and which I still pay for. Well, a few weeks ago they informed me that she is pregnant. I didn't jump for joy at this news, they both stormed out of my house that day and only recently started talking to me because the car broke down and my son implied that I was with them to help another car and an insurance company. I don't want to lose contact with them, I want a relationship with them and my soon-to-be grandchild. I don't want to lose my sons. But I am so tired of being used I would appreciate any advice. Thank you for listening ....
    • Carol BC Honkanen

      Gosh after going through this shit for the last 5+ years my best and only advice is to just focus on yourself and try to live life to the fullest. That sounds easier said than done, believe me. But there is absolutely NOTHING you can doMoresomeone cares about you or loves you. Being abused is NOT acceptable. My son did the same. I cried my eyes out, I tried to reach out to him and others, nothing worked. It wasn't until I tried to kill myself and woke up in vomit days later that I realized that we should NEVER take care of ANYONE who doesn't take care of us. Luckily I survived before it was too late. I have a grandson who will be 3 years old in a few days. I don't see him, they don't send photos. They refuse to reply to emails and I have no idea where they live. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm interested anymore. It sounds really bad, but it's the healthiest thing for me. The scariest thing is my son knew I was going to take my life, I told him I would if he didn't talk to me. Yes, I understand it wasn't the right thing to do, but desperate times call for desperate measures. What broke my heart was not that he didn't come to speak to me and that I almost died, but that he knew I would and he didn't bother to call the police or call anyone to see me. It was a real eye opener and a lesson I will never forget. love yourself!!!
    • Spaceyfacey

      Addieb Hello, I also shielded my daughter from her father. While he was in prison for 3 1/2 years, I lied and said he was working. While he went and spent his paychecks on strip clubs, booze, coke, gambling, and mob debt, I covered his ass and paid off his debt. AllMoreMeanwhile, my daughter thought he was the dearest daddy. Not to mention how I spoiled her out of the guilt I felt for not being a good father, lying to him for her and vice versa, putting her through Catholic school, dancing, buying her the latest electronics and basically just walking away on her and made the mistake of acting like her friend half the time. Now, at 19, she voluntarily lives with him and completely excludes me. She is rude, she lies and judges and is only nice to me when she tells me something or wants something. I never thought we could be like this. I feel for you.
  • Gracefulness

    These articles may provide some insight or advice, but the world of alienation is very difficult to maneuver. There are no clear answers that apply when each of us has our own unique alienation situation. So many personalities and factors come into play. The initial event that starts the disconnectMorecan be confusing or clouded by family dysfunction. Some demarcations have no reasoning behind them, so it's difficult to make peace about something that doesn't make sense! I have been living without my grown adult son for 3 long years now, along with a grandchild that I cannot see. There are so few resources or even support groups for this topic. Heartbroken, hurt souls need reassurance and comfort from others who have walked the same path. The best feedback or help I've had hasn't come from a therapist or random article. It was from mothers who have walked the same painful path. I believe we can help each other to better understand this phenomenon and live with some degree of peace even though our hearts are broken.
    • Joe Hale

      Grace, what you have written here is spot on. It's so difficult to make peace with something that doesn't make sense. In my situation, I believe my dil just prefers to have her family in her life and my son can't/don't want to go into ignoring us. Technically we're not estranged, but he only calls us when he needs help from my husband with a "handyman" problem. We only see them (they live 25 minutes away) as a family about 6 times a year, basically each of our birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Both holidays are celebrated the day before or the day after because she is spending the holiday with her family. Her family lives 4 miles from us.

      I visit my two grandchildren about twice a month for about two hours, always in their living room. There's always a reason or an excuse why sitting for them, taking them outside, or, God forbid, coming to our house wouldn't work. I just fear what the future holds when they get older and they wonder why their parents are fully engaged with them but grandma and dad are never around.

      We raised our son in a loving, generous, and godly home. My head can take care of the fact that he loves her and doesn't want to upset the apple cart, but my heart is broken. We don't ask for much, just sometimes a phone call to say hello or to include us in a special occasion like my grandchild's dedication at church. He's become so distant and cold. It's just not the son I once knew.

      Yes, we parents dealing with alienated children need comfort and support. My therapist told me that the two most powerful words of affirmation are "Me Too." I lost my child. He may not have passed away, but sometimes it's just as painful to know that he's alive and choosing to live apart from me. A rejection for no known reason is heartbreaking. I hope one day your heart heals, or better yet, your son finds the grace to be reconciled with you.

      • crying

        Yes Grace said it so gracefully..... Jo ,,, we also tried to raise our kids in a divine home, we were super dysfunctional so it's a lot of shame, plus I was abused as a kid and was trying to sort that out along with a tough marriage.MoreWe have exactly the same with our Christian Dil. Our son rarely comes home, we see our grandchildren once or twice a month if we're lucky. only see them on special occasions. He is not the son I knew, I love and miss him so much. She's so critical of his family, acting like we're screwed up losers. They spend most of their time with their families. Then I have a 28-year-old daughter who doesn't want anything to do with us and has moved across the country with her boyfriend. She always made decisions we didn't agree with, but she's the one who distanced herself from us. Not the other way around. I don't even want to go to church anymore, not because of God or because I've lost faith in him, but because of shame and a lack of support from people, truly broken, abused, abandoned people don't seem to be accepted in church, at least my church anyway. It may be in me to withdraw from people before all the pain. I never realized it hurts so much to love and be rejected.
    • Spaceyfacey

      @grace I totally agree with you. No one can really know unless they go through it. It's like something died inside me when my 19 year old daughter started locking me out 2 years ago. If I can only guess what's really going on with her andMorealthough there is so much distance between us, I'm sure you can understand that i can't possibly make peace with myself or my life.
  • rock

    I have to disagree. When I tell my parents, "When you did this and that, you hurt me" and your answer is, "No, I didn't hurt you," I distance myself to protect myself. This is partly my parents' fault and tells me that my parents don't care about meMoreor my feelings. CO is bound to happen as I have to take care of myself and that means not being around toxic family members, parents or others.
    • SatoriBleu

      What can parents do if they often apologize, but the adult child is silent. The difficulties concerned sibling rivalry and financial support. I was a single parent and I did my best. My child tells others that I have a mental illness. I worked multiple jobs to support two childrenMoreand at the age of 40 my child stops communicating. My heart is broken. We were very close to estrangement.
      • Spirited lady

        @SatoriBleu Once the parent takes responsibility and apologizes, the shoe is on the other foot and it's up to the child to decide if they're ready to forgive (don't forget, but let go of the anger) and allow the parent-child relationship to be re-establishedMoreLevel playing field. Sometimes the child needs time to figure this out. Parents need to show that respect to the child... to give them the space to do things their own way and time. This is very difficult to do, so do well to share your story and seek solace from others you can trust... like this site. Also, counseling can make a big difference in putting your mind at ease because I know you are grieving. Share your pain with your higher power in deep meditation, find a faith group, help others, be a friend to someone else. Your daughter will come back when she's ready...
      • Everything Mom

        @SatoriBleu Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. I am in the same situation with my daughter. I apologized and their response is that I did nothing and no apology is necessary. Her words "You've changed and we've grown apart. easy". Followed by "I don't want or need you in my life". My daughter was my best friend up until a few months ago and suddenly this is happening. What I had to do is accept the fact that I was an independent, self-sufficient raised a woman and she will be fine without me. One day she will turn around and need her mother and she will be back. Right now all I can do is focus on my life and be happy. Please - do the same! Be happy despite your kids!Also - if you need someone to talk to please reach out.I would be more than happy to share my email.Like back when we were kids and had a pen pal?

    • GingerMayor

      @Rock take care of yourself first. Our responsibility must be to ourselves first. I've heard many times "you're too sensitive" and "you're just in a bad mood" and all the time their abusive behavior continues. I find it to be a minimization of who you are and a lack of appreciation for thatMoreIndividually. These are toxic relationships that are bound to end, or at least be largely reduced.
  • Personally

    I want to see articles about parents of their adult offspring who respect their adult offspring who are over 30 years old and childless.

    It's amazing that there are many articles about adult offspring having to respect their adult parents, but there isn't much to the contrary and I feel like this is drastically lacking in the world of psychology because of the many parents of adult offspring there are adult offspring who do not respect their parents because they have not achieved the parents' expectations of success. And there I have a personal problem.

    • Everything Mom

      I personally agree. However, I think once you've been a parent it's hard to know when to stop being a parent. When your children move out of your home and start their own lives that you don't include, it's a big transition for us. It takes some timeMoremaking the adjustment to make sure our children are okay and managing their lives to find a life of their own. I myself have spent more than 20 years trying to be the best parent I could, forgetting to build a life outside of my children. When they were gone I was left alone with nothing to define me. In my case, I did my best to respect my grown children and just wait until they needed something from me, but I can understand that some parents may find the transition more difficult. Having no parents myself, I wonder if people really know how lucky they are to have parents at all. It's so hard to go through life without the unconditional love of your parents. All my other relationships are conditional. You are very lucky and I hope you and your parents find a way to meet at a middle ground. Much luck!
  • Christine Feld

    Thank you for this article. I quoted you in my own article about this painful parenting situation.

    Your insight helped me a lot.

    Christine Feld

  • listeners

    Dear UnicornRides, As a parent, I can understand your point of view and why it would be good for you to break the cycle of your current situation. In order to grow as a human being, it can do you good to distance yourself from all the negative energy you are describing. But I wouldMorealso encourage compassion, with the same belief that I would support you in distancing yourself from the negative energy that surrounds your personal life. You will complete your circle of life successfully when you break away from the negative, build your own energy and positive environment, and then come back with your parents and role model who influence you positively forever. Among other things, it is about boundaries and respect. Live a life that makes it clear - through actions and not just words - that you respect yourself and don't let anyone trample on your life and self-esteem, and set boundaries by which you do so, for yourself and others. Set your intentions. "Most people are as happy as they set out to be." However, permanent estrangement from your parents is not something you should aspire to. It will negatively affect your life. Like it or not, your parents are a part of you. I'm all for not letting your parents' unfortunate tendencies creep into your life. But leaving the nest, building your own home, life, and independence, and then reestablishing a healthy, adult-like relationship on your own terms is good, sane, and kind. In this regard, you must be strong to withstand the criticism that you will surely receive in the short term if you initially bring this plan of action into play. Understand this: Your ability to grow personally and be happy tends to make your parents look bad, they know this intuitively, so on a subconscious level they will try to sabotage your success. This may be incomprehensible to many as it seems that a happy and successful child is a positive reflection of their parents. But for an unlucky person, "it shows him or her". There is an emotional power in kindness and compassion. The more we do it, the more we feel emotionally stronger, better about ourselves, and it gives us the confidence to succeed in our other endeavors. So I encourage you to be kind and compassionate, just as you are firm and strong in your decision to break away from the nest and be your own person.