How to Manage Alienated Children - Reconcile the parent-child relationship (2023)

Ali

broken heart

So sad

• umbar

  I was in this situation too. My daughter's father poisoned her mind against me and I haven't seen her for 2 years now. I miss her every day and it hurts so much. I have a feeling that now it will always be what her father doesn't want her to beMoreto see me and she thinks he's great. I'm hoping that maybe that will change when she's older, she's 17 now.

Heartbroken Mom

Zak

Unicite99

Excluded

Mike

20 years

Angelag

Heartbroken Mom

forgot dad

• Tim T

  Bro I get you had him @ 24 my all spent on him. Called one day (I earn about 15,000 A Mo), stepfather took his mother to the hospital, he calls and asks for my help. Fought and lost 2 custodyMoreCases around 200-500,000 after he begged us to fight for him. Did everything we could. EVERYONE who has worked with or under me has their dreams and financial success. AGAIN, IU went back into business to make everyone's life great. Long story short He stopped reading tomes on his birthday in 2018 and is unresponsive to My Wife, his stepmother who gave up her life to help raise him. All my life people have pushed me away. 4 years later he hasn't responded to anything other than an inheritance notice after my mother died. His life is wonderful, mine is hell and I feel your pain because I'm confused and fed up with it all. Honestly, if it wasn't my current wife, my existence would have no meaning at all. You are not alone. NO That doesn't make it any less shitty

Spring

i am wisson

sad mom

Sai

Lisa

Johnny

• Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

  We appreciate you reaching out and sharing your story. I can hear how distraught you are about the way things turned out. Your situation is slightly outside the scope of what we are able to offer coaching or advice. I encourage you to see what types of local support are available for you and your family.

  We wish you all the best for the future. Watch after.

SM

Confused.

Tiff

Hard times

sad times

Julia

• CK

  It's heartbreaking to hear you. I feel your pain and your sense of loss. Having been through a similar situation I can tell you that time heals you. Show yourself some compassion and don't take the blame. If necessary, see a therapist for help with your emotions. HopeMoreand prayers for a happy reunion. Hugs❤️

Rubber band

• at

  When my ex-husband died, I had always remained friends with the family. My ex and I have remained good friends. My adult son and his wife went to the funeral. They traveled from California to Arizona. They didn't ask me to go and I wouldMorestill said no. You have to understand that you are his ex. I didn't feel obligated to because I was his ex. And my son and his wife wouldn't sit with his wife if he had one. So I don't understand your reasoning with all the expectations you have of your son.

Rachel Conyers ga

Not angry

young mom

Mutter

• Amy

  my heart breaks for you

• mom in mourning

  Send him love from afar, but don't take the abuse. Take good care of yourself. Love and prayers.♥️

mom in mourning

• Confused

  I feel you. My son did the exact same thing in his early twenties. He was like "Joe" in that article. We moved hoping to give him a fresh start and a new perspective on life, but he moved out saying we were mistreating him. He didn't go contactlessMoreimmediately and stayed in touch with me for a number of years. And then, literally overnight, she stopped speaking or contacting me. When I try to contact him, he refuses to communicate. At first he said he was trying to figure things out, and then...nothing. I've seen other articles blaming us moms for this reaction, but that's a cop out. But it's like you say there are other influences on our older kids and nobody really knows what's going on in their heads. I send you good wishes for a happy breakup with your daughter.

  • mom in mourning

    Thank you very much! I agree with you that parents are held responsible for everything that happens to the children, even if they choose to do things their way! Love and prayers for a reunion with your son!

• 99 % rein

  Note: These posts should include dates. What you write is such classic behavior that every source I've read and everything I've experienced says your daughter will "reappear" in a few years. This does not relieve the sadness or anger, but on the "bright"Moreside, the chances of her coming back are high. In the meantime, dedicating time and talent to other pursuits is the best thing to do.

  • mother in mourning (2.6.22)

    Thanks for your comment! I hold on to the slight hope and pray hard for a change of heart on their part! As you so wisely said, it is best to devote time and talent to other pursuits! It takes a lot of work to achieve thatMorebut arrive slowly.

hurt deeply

Desperate mom

• Heartbroken Mom

  May 2022

  I am so thankful that I found this article. I am so ashamed to say that I have now found solace. I know I'm not alone with all of you fellow travelers through this difficult time.

  A few days ago my teenage son moved in with his father. I said things I didn't say in the first place that made him move.

  We spoke on the phone, I said I'm sorry, he wants me to respect his decision and I did.

  As I walked through his empty room, I couldn't help but cry. I feel so broken and sad.

  I'm single, family isn't around and I don't have anyone I can't talk to. I push myself to function so I don't have at least a little moment to pull myself out of my sadness and sorrow. The pain is real, the loss is real.

  I live in Taiwan. I am sorry for my English as it is not my first language.

  • Andreas - 6.6.2022

    I can understand your situation. I had two of my three children who moved out to their (toxic) mother sometime around 14 and 15 years old. The pain and loss you feel are real, so you shouldn't feel guilty if you feel this way. Mourning is healthy.MoreAdditionally, if I could give you one piece of advice, I would highly recommend that you prioritize your health - prioritize sleep, diet, exercise, and mental stimulation (reading, intellectually stimulating podcasts, challenging work, social interaction). You will be much better able to deal with life's challenges when you are a healthy version of yourself!!! These times will be tough, but I hope you get better with time!

Broken

mom hurt

SaDinTexas

Ruth

N

JEBA

JJ

Vicki

alison rodriguez

Debbie Kocian

Margot

• Andreas 6.2.2022

  I am in a similar situation with my 18 year old. It seems like all professional advice is saying to keep the communication open and try to stay positive because "one day" they might come around. I can relate to getting tired even though it's only been 4 years just bitterMoreTexting me it's hard trying to stay positive.

Bemar

Maria

RS

guilty

Jen

Mel

• Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

  Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be. There is a resource in the UK that may be able to help: https://www.familylives.org.uk/

  I hope it helps. Be sure to check back and let us know how it's going. Watch after.

Leslie

• Viktoria

  Dear Leslie,

  The first thing I can say is that your son is perfectly fine. His behavior is not due to a psychological problem as a physical ailment, but to an illness or disturbance in his inner and outer world.

  In group dynamics, we learn that when one member joins or leaves the group, the dynamics of the entire group change immediately. This is how it differs in your son's worlds.

  Your new wife is natural to your work and alien to your son's world, especially if you wanted your son to take these important changes for granted, or even expected your son to lime your new wife.

  If you are caring for your son, write him a letter explaining how important he is to you, that he is irreplaceable, and that you want everyone in the new group to win. Listen to your son's feelings. Don't take him for granted.

  The change in the group also forced your son to drop out of the extended family because his entire family image has changed. Yoy with your new wife is a new element in the group, which is painful for your son.

  Tell him he's important. tell him you love him Tell him that he may be your first priority, that your new wife isn't always your first priority. Please also invite your grandchild to spend time with you. Spend some quality time with your son away from your new wife. Much luck!

McRufus

Darlene

Haley

Bean

confused

David

Neciebugs

Kim

• Miamella

  Kim – I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's really heartbreaking as I'm dealing with this too. Have you been able to find reputable online support groups? I think I need one too.

Cmichi

• Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

  I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how devastating that must be. especially without the support of your children. It can be helpful to see what types of support are available locally. If you are in the United States or Canada, the 211 National Helpline is a nationwide referral service that is available 24/7. They can give you information about the types of support services that are available in your area, such as B. Counselors, therapists, support groups/relative services, as well as various other resources. You can reach the helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging on to 211.org (211.ca in Canada).

  We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best in the future. Watch after.

pain

• Donna

  I stumbled across this site while looking for anything about why kids cut their parents out of their lives (to be honest - give up) and I feel so lucky. My 70 year old husband (I'm 65) and I are distraught after receiving her first text message since June. It's hard to describe how this happened because it's so incredible. Sara is 39. Her father and I got married together with 3 little boys (me-1, he-3). We couldn't wait to have Sara. Because she is a girl and 7 years after the last child, she has a lot of special "everything". As it grew, so did our financial stability and prosperity. She benefited from that 80% more than her 3 half brothers in almost every way. She was our little girl. We really tried hard to compensate by being very loving grandparents to all of our grandchildren. So there is.

  In June my husband had a small stroke. It was time to approach one of the children. No.1's mother told him that this wasn't his father 🙄 so we broke up for good 10 years ago. #2 (same mother as ⬆️) said come here I have a whole tribe ready and want to help "you will 💕. #3 My son dumped us last Mother's Day. I have NO idea why. 🙁 #4 Sara said you need to come here and buy a condo. 😑.

  When we told Sara we were moving to her brother's area (half the distance to visit her) she got so angry. So ugly. I blocked them. not her father. Today we get the text where she calls me by my first name and says she's cutting ties because we've been so toxic to her her entire life. Destructive. But finally. I guess.

• Denise Rowden, Parents CoachEP-Coach

  I am very sorry that you have become estranged from your daughter. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. It can be helpful to see what types of local support are available to help you through this very difficult time. If you are located in the United States or Canada, the 211 National Helpline is a nationwide referral service available 24 hours a day. They can give you information about the types of support services that are available in your area, such as B. Counselors, therapists, support groups/relative services, as well as various other resources. You can reach the helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging on to 211.org (211.ca in Canada).

  We appreciate you sharing your story and wish you all the best for the future. Watch after.

terry cloth

Twyla

Karrie

Elisabeth

• Denise

  Elizabeth; I feel your pain because I feel the same pain too. My son Michael separated me last December 2020. He is 30 years old. I have thought of the holidays with much sadness; but I'm trying to cope that they won't be the same.MoreI'm depressed about this too. I have never had such feelings and have never been in such a situation. My son removed me on all platforms. I can go on and on. This is extremely painful and, in my opinion, toxic. The article I just read here is very helpful. I will read it again. & again.

sad mom

Anna Kate

• Denise

  I agree with AnnaKate.

Twyla

• Donna

  My last child (39) and my only daughter spoke up for us on Mother's Day. We did our best, but somehow it wasn't enough. I go from sad to angry, mostly angry.

• Denise

  Twyla; I felt like giving up too; it is so painful to live with this thought; it's something that never gets out of my head. My son has instructed me that he does not want any communication from me. The article I just read here makes me understand more about itMorewhat's happening. I even find it difficult to write about it.

  • Twyla

    I hear you. I think about my daughter all day every day and wish I could fix this situation. I wrote her a heartfelt email but she claims not to have read it. She has since closed her email so I'm cut off. Now she says she will include themMoreAuthorities, if I speak to them, even at family celebrations! I don't know who she is anymore. Take care.

mom sad

• Heartbroken Mom

  Mum sad I live in New Zealand and am trying to find a support group while going through what everyone is going through here.

• Broken

  I'm also sad to hear these stories that are so similar to mine. My daughter, who was once so close to me, has excluded me from her life and is appearing permanently. She gradually withdrew when she met a girl who convinced her that she was an expert in psychotherapy and after meMoreDaughter started getting therapy. She started talking about boundaries, which meant not calling or texting her. I felt that too and said if I did anything to her, I'm so sorry. No matter how many times I try to make amends (for what I don't know), she says she won't speak to me. I also went through a very tough divorce when she was in high school. I am heartbroken that she cannot understand the depth of a mother's love. Also I gave her everything she needed and way more than my other older 2 kids. I was there for her through college, her first job, and all her hard times. I helped her decide where and how to get into grad school, helped her stay motivated when she wanted to quit. And now since meeting this person, she has pushed me away. I think about her every day, some days all day. I would feed her when I was starving after her father left. How could my sweet child change so much and not acknowledge my love. I stood by my father when he broke his neck at age 55 and helped my mother make ends meet and continue to help my mother to this day. My whole family is broken and I don't know where to turn, what to say, or what to try anymore. This started in 2018 and I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. The stories are all so sad. I'm near Boston, MA.

  • Donna

    Your story is just like mine. We can't all have been "bad" parents.

• Denise

  dear mom sad; read your comment; I'm crying now. I wish we lived closer, we could be in a support group together. I'm in San Francisco, California, USA • It's not okay for me not to forgive. I have a mother who wasMoreso poisonous to me; I never cut them off. She's family... although maybe I should have. Listen to this; what I just said; This gives me a better understanding of how difficult these issues can be. • I just always think there is a way to make things better. instead of stopping to talk. I apologized to my children; but can't be enough for this son.

• Polly

  I am sorry. It's terrible, but you're not alone. There's a book "Outsided By Your Grown Children?"

  It saved my sanity. Keep reading, keep loving you.

  • Donna

    I saw this and will get it for my husband and I. Thanks.

  • Denise

    Separated from your adult children. Ok, I'm looking at Amazon right now.

Kiwi

• Kiwi2

  Hello, my heart goes out to you. I'm in a similar situation. I have two daughters and since the end of my marriage they have slowly retired. I used to be very close to them, but I think the sadness of the loss has taken hold of them. They rarely talkMoreor communicate. Sometimes it feels like it's meant to be. Refusing to answer my calls, just being "polite" but never expressing affection or love. It's heartbreaking.

Desire

• Denise

  Noras, I feel exactly the same as you just described here. This is the worst thing that has happened to me and even in death I have not lost anyone close to me. This feels like a death • it's so exhausting it's hard to even talk about it. They areMorenot alone. I need a support group just don't know where the relief in a situation like this can come from.

• Delia

  Your story sounds just like mine. My son hasn't spoken to me in almost 3 years. I don't understand at all. His dad and I are divorced and I'm still single, so that really doesn't help when I'm feeling down. I have another son who i am very muchMorenear. He also fights with his brother. And my mother. My son doesn't even talk to her anymore. This makes me so angry. She sends him money for the vacation and he doesn't even say thank you. I struggle so much between crippling grief, sadness and anger. It's so terrible. I wish you the best.

sad mother

• Denise

  Open wound . If I think about it all the time I become a vegetable, so down and depressed. I am not busy in my life now; So it's hard not to think about it. It's just the most messed up thing I can imagine.MoreNothing beats your family. I'm so hurt / & so hurt for his pain. HELP someone, help me!

  • Twyla

    I agree with you. I have a daughter and I am "hurt for her injury". I've tried to be a loving, supportive mother and it kills me that she feels let down by me enough to choose to stay away. I want her to be happy, but she isMoreangry instead.

Sandra Sanwin

• Andreas - June 2022

  I would say that you are right not to accept his decision to leave his family. I was once told that infidelity is akin to death — meaning that when your son chose to be unfaithful to his wife and two children, he ended that relationship, which in turn forces you to choose how You want to continue your relationship with your son and his ex-wife and two children (your grandchildren).

  I would set strong boundaries in your relationship with your son while trying to maintain a healthy, supportive relationship with your grandchildren and their mother.

Inpaintothecore

• Broken

  This is a very similar story to mine with my daughter. I am and always have been a very Catholic Irish family. A few years ago she told me that she was gay and that she was slowly moving away from it. To the point where now she doesn't speak to me anymoreMoreat all. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas hasn't been for 2 1/2 years. My heart bleeds every day

• David

  I was looking for a comment like this. Your story is so similar to mine. I had a daughter who switched to a man. The whole process started around the age of 12. At first I thought she was a lesbian, but it just went from thereMoreon. I felt like I was very understanding throughout the process. Of course it definitely wasn't easy, but I tried my best to understand it. I think I've always been a very understanding parent and very encouraging. If I have one fault, it's that I feel like I've been too lenient with my kids in terms of discipline. I just wanted them to be happy all the time and their childhood was filled with fun times, holidays and me always by their side. My friends and family tell me that I was the best father they have ever known. Even when my daughter at the time was confused about her gender and was taking every drug known to the man and drinking heavily, I still tried to support her and I wanted to be a safe place for her to fall. Just last year he decided to cut me out of his life. It came on suddenly and I really don't know why. I've heard more than one reason from him from family members, and they change all the time. I also feel like he's dating someone who is very damaged and they could be a very negative influence on him. I've dealt with it in what I think is the healthiest way. I wanted to share this with you because it seems to be working. First and foremost, I release all guilt. No parent is perfect and like I said I think I was just being too gentle with my kids but other than that I honestly don't think I did anything wrong. I lived for my children. I spent all my free time with them and loved them unconditionally. So I'm happy with that. Second, I recently decided that he is now an adult and can fly on his own. I have my own life and I live it to the max. I console myself with the joy I had with all my children as they grew up. The times we went to parks, the sports we played in the backyard, watched their dance performances and sports games, the wonderful vacations and just the fun we had in and around the house for years. Nobody can take that away from me or them. I also believe that time will heal these wounds and he will eventually get back to me. One thing I will never do is burn any bridges. I will always be supportive and not play the blame game. He's still young and he's allowed to play this game if he wants, but I won't go there. I'll be ready for the prodigal son when he's ready to come back. I am content with all of this.

  • Broken

    I too was very understanding when she told me she was gay. She definitely seems to be trying to find her true self and she could be happy with this person. Although she told me she didn't know if they had enough in common to be married. my daughter isMoreso healthy and sporty and active. And this person, none of those things, has been estranged from her biological mother for years and she is inactive and engaged in psychotherapy/mental health. She changed my daughter and I don't even know her anymore. It scares me to the bone.

stop

• Denise

  - I understand how you feel. It's not OK. That's not how things are handled. The healthy way is to SPEAK it through.. seems like a new trend? & be accepted?

  • Broken

    So true.

permanent trauma

Shelly

• Broken

  I think children have their own perceptions and memories which, no matter how distorted, are their own and there is nothing we can do about it. I just don't understand when I say I'm sorry (which I'm not sure about) they can't accept your sincere apologies and move on like adults.MoreIf I held a grudge for everything my parents did/didn't do, I would have been crushed under that weight. I always forgave and moved on. That anger/hate... they carry will do a lot of damage over time I believe.

• Greetings to all

  I'm so sorry...I'm also sorry because Christmas is coming and one of me lives far away and the other pretends we don't exist. We've dedicated our lives and we're getting this... it's shameful...

Hope

Carol

• Broken

  I feel the same way and have the same madness between my kids. So stressful that I had to quit work and retire earlier than planned. My health has deteriorated and I have trouble sleeping. Learning to take care of yourself after putting your kids first for so manyMoreyears is so hard.

Lisa

momof3

More-Pops

sad father

• Polly

  I'm so sorry, sad dad. Read everything you can about alienation. Forgive yourself. Hold on to the good. Let the bad go and take the pain with it. You're not alone.

news

• Broken

  Yes I do. I pray and trust miracles to happen every day! keep the faith

• J Wort

  That sounds like a mirror of my current situation. My son and I had a great relationship until he met his now wife. She did all the things your daughters did SO and now my son is completely touchless. They even went so far as to tryMoreto get an injunction against me. Luckily the judge realized they were trying to use the court system as a means of punishment and denied the order but it still hurts and I'm not contacting them anyway because that's what they want. I don't know how to deal with the loss. It's like I'm grieving. It's hard to read the foul smear campaigns and lies they spread and know that there's just nothing I can do to defend myself or, more specifically, reconcile and understand why they're doing all of this in the first place. It's only been a few months since I've been out of touch and it's a miracle when I can go a day without crying because I no longer have him in my life.

Jodi

Rick Z

• David

  thanks for your story I can relate to some extent. Some people really are "bad seeds". I had an incredible relationship with my daughter until she was 12 and then she turned into a demon. She is now 25 years old and cut me out of herMorelife last year. As far as I'm concerned, she did me a favor. I wouldn't wish the turmoil she caused in our home during her teenage years. I myself am completely at peace today while she tells everyone horrible lies that I was a bad father and so on. She had the best father in the world. My friends and family know that. It's not my fault at all. I'm just realizing, like you, that I had a child with "bad seeds".

• Polly

  Many Thanks. Big, deep breath.

Jacob

Cyndy

Marg

Jeannie

Lyssa

addicted son

Angry Mom

Kate

• Broken

  I totally agree. OX You are all in my prayers too.

Becky

Cookie Monster

AYD

Lost in Space

stitched seeds

clueless

• smash

  Wow, sort of like our situation. My daughter, my only child, who I was so close to, just cut me and her father out of her life. This behavior has worsened over the past nine years. At first it was just cold distancing from us.MoreShe now keeps us in front of our two grandchildren who were so close to us. She just behaved hatefully and cruelly without any prior provocation. We asked them why and what we did. She has no real answer. We now have very little contact with her, the children or our son-in-law whom we loved so much. He also seems to be a victim of their control and manipulation. She had the best childhood, the very best in a loving, caring home.

Fiona

forever hurting

sad mother

hard hurt

• Sewnewseeds I've had this to mean for years. I had to wait until she was old enough to live with her father where I have all the access I want. It was a long wait, I would sneak to the school to have a look. It's nothing short of abuse. I feel for you

  I have suffered many heartbreaks and losses, none as painful as the silence of an alienated child. If you read the threads here and on other sites, it's practically an epidemic. I am surrounded by self-help books on the subject, podcasts, support from friends and a loving husbandMorebut one day I have lead shoes on and I can't move... IF I let it. One of the best books on the subject and how to get ahead and other reflections on sickness, death, inheritance and all the things that go through your mind all day as you get older comes from a book called Done with Crying by Sheri McGregor. Our perception of our time with this child is likely to be in direct contrast to hers. They believe in their truth and we believe in ours. Stop torturing yourself. That little kid with the swollen sweet cheeks may not be the kid you remember. That doesn't mean YOU haven't done a good job as parents. You are in love with a memory. This book will help you understand. You have to live in the present, be thankful for everything you have at this time. I get it! the birthdays, holidays, the birth of a grandchild you may never see, or a grandchild ripped from your world. It's up to YOU ​​to stop the pain. Say hello to the silence, stop punishing yourself. We're human, we can't undo what happened and stop apologizing for something you didn't do. With the pandemic, it aggravates the situation of loneliness. It's hard to understand the death of a relationship without actual physical death. As parents we are fixers, we are getting older, we want peace and harmony, love and family. We watch time go by with no solution in sight. You have not given up your position as a parent. Some think that it is our job as parents to exhaust every possible effort towards reconciliation. Think through your texts, letters or forms of contact. let the time pass Write the letter, but don't send it. When you are disrespected, verbally abused, financially abused, or grandchildren are used as a negotiating tool. It's not OK. Help yourself. stand firm. Read the threads.. YOU are NOT alone.. Get the book.

  • hard hurt

    Oh my god thank you!! The mentioned book is on its way! I'm getting stronger every day.

Weary

MP

• DN

  I absolutely agree...it's impossible to know what to do and I'm trying to stop yearning for an answer...

Be careful and try to heal

Jim

Betty

terry cloth

Sad but nothing to do

Mandi

Diana

• Mandi

  I feel your pain Diana, and please don't feel alone in all this, I too made the conscious decision to close the door after being constantly upset and hurt, I wasn't allowed to my first grandchild's birthday parties either, eh it would have meant bump into my ex andMoreother son (my ex was a horrible dad after the breakup and never cared about the kids) And so i had to see her either before the party or after! In the end I decided that my granddaughter would pick this up and history would repeat itself, so I gained my self-esteem and respect and walked away thinking I'd rather be alone than watch my sons come into my life- and going out and if they felt the need! Hurtful doesn't even cover it! But there is life after, we just have to seek and find it ❤️ Greetings to you XX

Colleen

Royann

• black ice

  @Royann I share your pain and despair. In almost identical circumstances to yours, my son separated me and my partner. The incident happened 14 months ago and like you I have apologized if we didn't handle it well, only to be snubbed. From what used to be almostMoreWeekly family Sunday lunches, where we laughed and had good times together, are now reduced to a stony silence and the occasional visit from him and his wife. They now have a child who I see every two weeks when they are in a generous mood. No text messages, phone calls or any other form of communication in the meantime. When this incident happened, he was 32 years old. Looking back, and now that the pain has subsided somewhat, and through prayer and meditation, I have come to realize that we were just a convenience and a material resource to him, and the thought that that convenience is no longer available to him , hurt his pride and brought out the worst in him. But I thank God that I was able to see the true, true side of him. For everyone else he is the perfect person. Friendly, decent, helpful and supportive. But to us, who have nurtured and supported his every dream and aspiration, we are now useless and therefore worthless. We were only used. So, cheer up, don't waste the rest of your life thinking about an ungrateful child. You will always love him and be there for him if and when he falls, but stop worrying about it and move on. It took me 14 months to get to this mindset and I thank God and my friends for their kind words and support in advising me to forgive, forget and move on. I wish you love, peace and happiness.

just happy

Disrespectful mother

At least

Alienated Child

• DN

  I read what you wrote and I think I understand your point of view. Not everyone would take these gestures as "bait," a term I found disturbing. What happened to you, of course I have no idea. There will be many reasons why you and others like it made the choiceMoreThey have. I think what this vulnerable audience (me, at least) wants is to reach a plateau of understanding, really understand why this happened and accept it, maybe gradually change it. Learning to let go of hope is painful. I'm old enough to know and admit my mistakes, to believe that communication is key, and to somehow gain some peace, peace before anything else.

slow healing

T&T

• Broken

  You may be right that the cards are not accepted. But once you've apologized and then send your love, there's nothing wrong. Love is for taking. That's all.

  The other does not forgive. And so this wonderful burden does not feel lifted from them. love frees. love heals everything

  By lovingly giving, you can never go wrong.

• Pam Constable

  Well it is, but as what my daughter told me never happened. Then she lies to others about her childhood and they hate me too. How do I deal with lies?

• LAMS

  In other words, you have no communication with the engaged adult child. Like I said, you're dead. But while the mother has pushed her limits, she realized that she shouldn't even be sending out a birthday card or Christmas card of any kind. how is the childMoreshould know how sorry you are for what was said. There is no book that will tell you how to be a good parent if that parent didn't have a really good upbringing and needed to inspire it. I was an overprotective mother who accepted any kind of abuse from her father that gave the child a chance to go with us when we were kicked out of the house. After filing for divorce following his liver transplant. The life I gave to her father all these years, and you end up taking your leftover daughter with you and disappearing. I hugged my son and said me and his sister wouldn't be there when he got home from school. I had no choice but to move around the corner from where my only family to take my daughter and I was across the country. Since then we have been living in hell on earth. Your father never used the money I sent him for this child. The child was told I left her. I don't make too much sense as after almost twenty years I'm still devastated that I couldn't convey to this child that after they got married and their first child hurt me, my grandchild let me know every nine months , then nothing . Four years later I'm told I did it to myself. So much has happened and many misunderstandings that my health is bad, sister is sick and there is no one left that all my siblings have died that is now four siblings of mine who took us in that they are all gone . No contact nothing. This is not a lack of empathy on our part, but a lack in itself. Today's children lack the empathy that is misplaced as guardians against spousal violence. In no way has my child ever been abused or neglected in any way. The only thing this child has experienced is a lack of love from her father, who by the way has five children, two before our two, then one after. The only ones he speaks to are my only child and his child after my children after he said he doesn't want any more children met a lady who got her pregnant and asked me if I think he should tell her she should get rid of it. I told him he had to take responsibility for his actions. At fifty-three he had his last child. That was after he made sure I would never have children again because he didn't want any more. My child was misguided by his father. I never told my kid that I was dead because his father's father died when he was young, that he only got along with his mother. I'm not dead. I'm very much alive. There is no charade. There is no covering up what happened, read what empathy means as used in a sentence. Apply that to your situation. You are not the only one suffering. What you are going through is the absent parent who held you in their belly for nine months and raised you to the best of their ability when no one taught her how to grow up and be a responsible adult parents make mistakes and pay for it need every day. I have an Olympic teardrop laugh. I've owned a Kleenex company for almost twenty years. All she ever wanted was for the family to come together as one, not four across the country. My condolences to you 🙏✝️❤️

night nurse

• Polly

  @Nightsister. You are a great woman. You helped me more today than you will ever know. stay your bad self! Love, respect and light to you. 💜

Linda

ash

• David

  sorry for your situation. I can relate to some extent. What has helped me more than anything is remembering the great times when they were young and no one can take those times away from me. Children carry on into adulthood, even in the best of situations. JustMorehold on to those incredibly loving, happy memories. It's what I do and it makes all the difference in the world.

• Cookie Monster

  i really feel for you My ex had a bad case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and lied and turned my son's against me. All you can do is work to get better. I am now married to a wonderful man. Life can go on. Adult children have noneMoreImagine, it seems, that they will answer to God for disrespectful behavior. We reap what we sow and one day they will experience the same. I pray daily for the souls of my sons.

JJ

• Barbie

  Your situation is very similar to mine. My estranged daughter's troubles started when she was 14. That's when her father cheated on me and left to be with this woman. My daughter blamed me for not being able to stop him from leaving.

  She also became mentally ill and began to beat me regularly. I had our whole family in counseling at the time, but it didn't do much.

  Our doctor said that my daughter needed to take medication and she took the medication for about a year, starting at age 16. Then she too decided she no longer needed the medication. Things were worse than ever. She not only hit me, but also her older and younger siblings. She also started calling me all kinds of horrible names. Next came the allegations.

  She would tell me that I loved my three other children more than she did and that I allowed them to mentally "hack" them and did nothing to stop them.

  This behavior has continued to this day, and she is now 43 years old. She is estranged from all of her siblings after saying such horrible things to each of them that one by one they stopped speaking to her.

  She's stopped talking to me more times than I can count but now she says she doesn't want to talk to me, more finality. This time she used the words "forever".

  I have written to her occasionally in the past and always told her how much I love her. This time I'll leave her alone for a while. It hurts my heart more than I can take, but she asked me to "respect her wishes," so I will.

  I don't know exactly how I will shape the future with her, but I do know that only intensive counseling and medication on her part can really make a difference.

  I'm sorry you're hurt too, and I feel so sad that there are so many of us out there.

HERR

• Is

  Child alienation is epidemic. Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, "When your children are small they love you, but when they grow up they judge you."

  This has happened to you and many other parents. Leave her alone. Don't burden her with calls, pleasantries, or advances.

  I know it's a shame, but it's common, and you have to realize that she doesn't see you because she doesn't want to. Then you have to realize that you don't want to see someone who doesn't want to see you.

  Remember, if you never hear from her again, she's the one with the problem, not you.

• JJ

  I feel you. I too am devastated at being separated from my daughter because we were once so close. Like you, things went downhill in the teens. I'm ashamed that this happened - like I'm a broken parent. The worst thing is that I know that everyone automatically assumes that as a parent I did terrible things for this to happen.

  peace be with you <3

so blue

Aimee

I did most of the raising of my two children aged 25 and 29. My daughter started ghosting me when she turned 18 and it continues to this day 11 years later. I have a grandson but I'm not allowed to see him and although he was a big part of my life until the age of 5, he doesn't know now if he still loves and cares for him because she ends it all abruptly has communication with her and him. I know I should move on and get on with my life and I've tried to counsel him and treat him as grief, but I'm also riddled with anxiety and think I "see" him when I'm in public places, but he's not really there. just a boy who looks like him or is the same age or height. Is that normal? How can children who have received so much love, help and support turn away and try to hurt parents? No explanations, no conversations, no understanding and forgiveness on her part. My son has now decided that he wants to join this no-social club and has asked me not to communicate with him either. I thought the first one hurt, but this one stunned me.

jmd

• Lost

  I find it easier to just let it be because when I reach out, the response is usually mean and hurtful. She wants to be in control of "when" we communicate, so I accepted that.

CM

Debora

What happened

• Broken

  I've had similar events in my life. You are not alone. Be strong, it will get better.

• mourning mother

  Your story is very similar to mine.. It's haunting as hell!! I am sorry! Reading all of these comments makes me sad, but I also feel a little relief knowing I'm not alone. People prepare you for the Terrible Twos and the teen years, but nobody ever tells you about adultsMoreKids and how mean they can be.. That sucks!! I am so lost and broken without my children and grandchildren..

• Right

  I'm sorry you have to go through so much! It's a terribly draining emotional drain on you. You are not alone, you have tools to overcome this. Have you tried alanone? It has/helps me enormously, I can concentrate on myself and take care of myself. The burnout ofMoretaking care of others all these years is too much and i need to take care of myself finally and finally. I too am estranged from my daughter and have no idea why. It's a choice they make, and we can choose to deal with all of this pain or find a way out. It's all temporary anyway... Good luck! I'm sorry.

  • Lori

    After living with an alcoholic for the past ten years and struggling with the constant lies, I am divorcing after 28 years. We had five children, two of whom were together. Our oldest daughter, who is 27 and who I have always been closest to, began rejecting me in December. sheMorehas blocked me on phone and social media platforms. I went to her house and knocked and heard the grandchildren saying that mom is here and she won't answer the door. She has a new baby I've never seen. All because I started dating another man after breaking up with her father in October. She supports her father and communicates with him and her siblings. It tears me apart, it breaks my heart. She gave me the choice before she stopped communicating with me, it was choose her or the other man. I wouldn't make a choice even though she would have been the most obvious, I didn't want to give her that kind of control over my life and I have now lost a daughter, a son-in-law and three precious grandchildren.

• Tonya

  I understand your pain sister

PatientNoMore

Wen

• Disrespectful mother

  I would give her what she wants. Let go and take care of yourself. She says things because she's hurt and doesn't have the skills to deal with it. These skills come with maturity. Until she grows up, be good to yourself. Much love...

Cheeky

• Disrespectful mother

  Get busy with things you love to do. Distraction is the only way to survive at some points in this life, even more so when dealing with an alienated AC. I had a lot of hobbies before, but now it's not just hobbies. They are my life! i would be happy to seeMoremy granddaughter, but since I can't, I do things for myself that she liked to do with me. Much love...

  • DN

    I get that...some things we can't change and I've almost lost hope...Distraction is key, although it sounds a bit naff...time flies with some creativity and you realize that helps...

TS

• LAMS

  No idea. The same happened here.

Hurt

Mastic8

King Lopez

Woobee

• Scharayah

  Wooboo I feel you! Holidays are the most painful of all. My sons have a relationship with me and with her. You have a Christmas with her and a Christmas with me. I know it's shaming but I don't feel like she deserves to have a special Christmas with herMoreher if she's the one who rejected me. She's always invited here, but she doesn't come. This will be my fourth Christmas without her. I dread Christmas and we don't care about Thanksgiving anymore. I have a wonderful relationship with my sons and I don't understand why she is distancing herself. She was always a difficult kid, but I did my best. It's so painful to see other parents make much worse mistakes than me and their kids still love them. Why why why?

• I'm not good at surfing

  I'm doing the exact same thing and I know it's not healthy.

Heartbroken VA mother

• Disrespectful mother

  I think we have the same daughter 😳

• Margaret

  My daughter is 32 and also accuses me of being a horrible mother; abusive behavior when she was in high school etc etc. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I've been in therapy for a while. i take medication And so, yes, I came to the same conclusionMore-- that for my own sanity I must cease to regain a relationship with her. Every time I try to reach out my heart gets ripped out of my chest. My salvation is that her two younger brothers love me and assure me that I am a good mother etc. etc.

  • smash

    My 33 year old daughter is just like your Margaret. She has memories of abusive parenting at my hands that never happened. She just turned on us viciously. She also claims that I am not fit to be a grandparent and that I don't let my two young grandchildren see me.MoreMy husband and I are very loving, caring, gentle parents. None of their atrocities are justified. Unfortunately I'm retired at 63 and don't have health insurance. I can't afford to get help. And unfortunately...she is our only child. Sorry, I'm not trying to beat anyone's circumstances. Everyone in this chat seems to be hurting parents who don't deserve this treatment.

  • Scharayah

    Wow, I feel like you just told my story. In fact I had to check the name and wonder if I had written it and forgotten it. The only difference is that my daughter is 30. my heart goes out to you

• Laurie

  Thank you for sharing your post. I'm going through this with my daughter now.

  • Right

    I've been estranged for years now and the pain won't let up. I know my 29 year old has unresolved feelings of anger about an event. I know she has that persistent blame-other gene of mine. I take it and feel responsible. I want to leaveMoreShe goes on and on but it's impossible as the connection with your children is always so strong. Luckily my son is nice to me and shows me a lot of love and compassion. When it first happened, it felt like a death, my own...

TAMMY

• I'm not good at surfing

  Well over 10 years have passed for me and on some days I have completely lost hope for a reconciliation.

Can

• Brenda

  i'm in the same boat heartbreaking. I did my best to raise my children alone.

Alli

In them

• I'm not good at surfing

  i am where you are It was like death. My door is closed - I'm not trying anymore. I just focus on creating a good future for myself.

• question

  It sounds like we have the same ex-husband. He always said, "I'll take these guys away from you". He couldn't get custody in court, but he certainly poisoned the well. It's heartbreaking. I'm not having much luck getting over this.

Roxella

• peace seekers

  Roxella – My husband and I also have a daughter who is constantly in relationships with highly abusive men. She is currently in her fourth relationship of this kind. We spent our retirement accounts entirely (and probably foolishly) paying for her legal fees (and other expenses) when she didMoreEscape from her former abusive husband. We did it to protect her and her child and to help her get back on her feet. We thought she might be turning a corner, but then she suddenly entered another abusive relationship and once again completely cut us off. There has been nothing but silence from her for the past five years. I am concerned for them and especially for the safety (both physical and emotional) of the children. But that's all we can do. Now we need to focus on recovering financially from everything we gave her so we can retire - we're both in our 60s. We also need to focus on our four other wonderful children and three other grandchildren. Still, the sadness doesn't go away, especially for me.

Joanette

Heidi

your hero

• peace seekers

  JusHero, I too must treat the alienator with great caution. I've had two heart attacks, both diagnosed as Broken Heart Syndrome. There is nothing wrong with my heart physiologically, but it can fail when subjected to extreme grief. I love this "kid"Morewith all my heart and soul, which is why it's asking so much of me. Unfortunately, she has become dangerous to me. If I'm going to stay alive for the rest of my loving family - and for myself - I have to be very, very careful.

2 adult children at home with 1 spouse

Heartbroken and alive

• MimiDee

  I'm sorry for your pain and the confusion that comes with being cut off without explanation. As your mommy heart breaks, I feel the same pain too. My only answer and peace comes when I seek comfort from my husband and when I share my sorrows with other women.MoreFinally, and moreover, I know that my daughter is a Christian, and eventually God will judge that. This is my hope and prayer for you.

• your hero

  Heartbroken, your story sounds like mine except my daughter dumped me after the wedding. She got her Masters, got married and had a child. She threw me through the loop when my father was on his deathbed. Talk about kicking me when we were all down. Grandpa finishedMoresurvive but the relationship has been on the brink for almost 2 years now. My grandson is now 1.5 years old and I've seen him less than 1 handful of times. I gave up about a year ago and out of the blue she calls me and we saw each other a few times and then it started again but more of a walking on eggshell situation. Felt like do what I say or I will do it again. So I decided to just go ahead and punish myself again and I remain very aloof. When and if, and that's a big fat, if she decides to come back into our lives, she'll have to come back very apologetically, and there will be some reluctance until she proves herself. Am I missing out on being a grandparent? For me NO! Cannot be a grandparent if the child does not want it. I don't worry about what ifs. Life must go on and it will! Don't focus on what you've lost, focus on what you have and try to forget the things you don't have. I'm still a little hurt, but I hate to define who I am and what life I have left.

  • I'm not good at surfing

    Jushero, I totally agree with you. Although it is painful, I also moved on. My focus now is joy and wonderful friends!

fire hard

Lori

• Morgan12

  I'm glad I found people who have an alienated or dysfunctional relationship with a child. I'll talk about my relationship with my daughter later, but it's so good to have a place to let it all out

• I'm not good at surfing

  It's so sad that this message board exists - but I'm so glad it exists! I read every message and it helps me deal with the pain and shame. My heart goes out to every person here, I wish I could give one to every single one hereMorebig hug!

find meaning

• Racing car

  How can you say that in a more constructive way? I got in touch in early June and July regarding my daughter's visit. She never answered. I know she checks email and other social media every hour! These are my RAW feelings:

  If you haven't changed your email address, which I doubt, I understand; I'm not stupid.

  As much as it pains me to say this, why am I not letting you initiate visits and conversations from now on? If you would like us to come let us know; I won't ask to come. We won't bother you as I feel like I'm a bother to you. I would really like to be involved as much as possible in the lives of X, Y and Z and yours too. You don't stop loving your children and wanting the best for them when they reach a certain age. Try to imagine yourself in 20 years. Try to think of the relationship you have with me as the relationship you have with one of your children... YES... it sucks.

  I can no longer take the pain of your rejection or indifference. So...I won't try any longer. If you want that relationship, you have to reach for it yourself.

  I love you and want to be in your life. The door has always been open... just walk through.

  Mama

  NOTICE to the community; I have no idea what I did to make my daughter not want to be with us. I do not get it. She was given everything she wanted (maybe that was it). As far as I know, there were no negative influences from my husband or me (no abuse, no alcoholism, no other junk - just loving, supportive parents who had their own flaws - NORMAL).

• Margaret

  That's an interesting perspective. My 32-year-old daughter turned against me, hates me, etc. The thing is, I'm definitely not a codependent guy. I have two other sons. I don't need to be in constant touch or know everything they're doing. But having my daughter speak real hate to me (from California; I'm in CT) is devastating.

  I have thought a lot about what I expect from my children. I want them to be happy. That's it. I want them to live their own lives. You all are. But my daughter backtracks from time to time with all sorts of twisted accusations. My own therapist suspects that she has developed a personality disorder.

  It just hurts. But I see your point. The only thing we can do is keep going. Many Thanks.

• Nickyboy130

  I too feel exactly the way you described it. I've lived my life through her. My son now feels that entitlement. I feel I have no power to change this. It hurts like hell to be cut off. He called me a soul sucker because I loved him and did what was best forMoreI feel so mentally exhausted that I'm trying to do the right thing. I think what you said, changing the narrative is the best option now.

• Nicole

  This is probably the best advice I've heard from the same situation I'm having. I copy and paste it. These kids are out of control and I'm not feeding their narcissistic behavior.

your hero

• Morgan12

  Thank you for what you had to say. I am in and out with my daughter and my new 8 month old granddaughter in the same situation that after 8 months they see and help take care of them quit their job and go back filming at their grandparents homeMorethis has been her pattern since she was 16

Twilight Zone Mama

knitting fork

• 99 % rein

  Good for you. heh An interesting double would be to sue her for defamation and defamation given endless legal resources - but that's a "deferral" fantasy, and you don't need it. Good for you.

• I'm not good at surfing

  I'm with you, I closed the door. Getting in touch backfired on me too.

Estranged Mom

nature woman

• knitting fork

  Your daughter sounds as heartless as my daughter. The only reason I was ever invited to do anything with her or my middle son was so I could pay the bill. You haven't spoken to me or interacted with me. They left me with the kids while they went outside and smoked. When dinner was over, the kids would be dropped off at my house to go to the movies, shop, or have a drink at a bar.

  I don't need it in my life. I'm over it you don't need it I do not need it.

LBH

• 99 % rein

  Posted on May 27th, 2022. Not so good that her husbands wanted nothing more to do with her. ALWAYS back to the mother. Depending on whether or not the situation has changed since you wrote it, if you are sure about the quack, you may report him or her to your State Board of Licensure.

  I think your daughter's behavior parallels mine at this age (minus the drugs). One thing would have helped: to be hired by the company that employed my father instead of going to college first - (not necessary for an entry-level job there) - yes - that's a big deal; and even a person who believes in me and that I could do something with my life - someone who has nothing to do with me at this point - not a therapist. Therapy came later, too late, and of course it never helped to make up for many lost years - actually a whole life lost that need not have been lost. I feel for you both.

DaytonaNative

• T-town mom

  My experiences were similar. She was always very clingy and has had an overwhelming separation anxiety since birth. So we did everything together. I tried my best to help her be brave...sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I felt like I always neglected her older brother because she was very clingy. While she was in elementary school, she hung out with her brother. bless him As a grown man, we have a strong respectful relationship. He is 31 and she is 29.

  I did my best to be June Cleaver, but June didn't have a full-time job outside of the home, nor did she have a husband with bipolar issues and OCD, so my time was more limited, but I still managed to play sports with her committees , drive them everywhere and make their childhood and youth as smooth as possible. I even switched school districts to be closer to home in hopes that it would ease her anxiety. She was in 6th grade. And she did.

  Her father was having an affair and so we broke up after 27 years together - she was 22 and living with her husband. I met a lovely man five years ago and we got married two years ago. I am very happy. She's not happy with my remarriage. My son hugged my husband because he sees how good he is to me. She hasn't and flinches every time I try to make her understand that this relationship is "God-sent" to me. One of my husband's sons also treats me the way my daughter treats my husband... distant, tolerant, reserved and suspicious. Most people say it's about inheritance and that having a "stepparent" means "everything is shared again" - but it goes much deeper. It seems this is pretty "normal" even among my friends who have remarried after a long previous marriage, but that's a whole different conversation.

  She is very controlling. I can only text. I can't have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with her husband's family, but I can go to ball games or have casual lunch with them. Sometimes I think it's about her mother-in-law - the mother-in-law is frustrated with the "lack of grandchildren". Sometimes I think it's her embarrassment about me. I really don't know why I'm embarrassed. I'm educated, pretty, kind, friendly and happy. I love deeply and cry easily. I love her and her husband. My heart hurts knowing she doesn't like me. When she left home, I told her that as a grown woman, I would meet my mother for dinner once a week and we would talk the whole time. I enjoyed being friends with her and knowing her as a woman, not just in the role of my mother. She replied: "We will never be friends". I really don't know why.

H mom

Trina

• Candace

  I recommend in my support group that estranged parents focus on themselves and the family members and friends who have remained faithful to them. Work on self-awareness (knowing who you are). Doing this will remove the stigma of alienation that society places on you. Other parents are afraid that this will happenMorethem, and so they judge you or evade the subject. As I've said before, don't "chase" adult children who refuse to communicate. If you receive casual communication, do not accept a conversation that does not show mutual respect. Tell them you'll be happy to talk to them if they can be respectful. If the estrangement is caused by a daughter-in-law/son-in-law, this is a sign that your adult child is in a bad marriage. This will be your adult child's problem to solve. It's a pathological dance between your adult child and their spouse. If you know (and you know) that you were a good parent overall (all parents make mistakes), then there's no need to blame a misguided child. It's ripe to admit mistakes, but being the scapegoat isn't productive in any way. This will only result in the accusing person having more power over you, and you'll be walking on eggshells again... leading to an episodic alienation that can be more heartbreaking than no contact alienation. And I will tell you that the mental health field is still in the dark times when it comes to family alienation and parental alienation. They often give more bad advice than good advice. I do not recommend therapy to understand alienation. I recommend peer support from others who have experienced alienation.

  • Where is your support group?

    Ich bin in California South County

your hero

Ginger

Freta

Freta

Freta

Linda

Linda

Not relevant

• Zelda

  I can only agree with this comment! I am a grown child who had to end the relationship with a narcissistic parent who is unable to NOT take responsibility for their own actions. If your adult child is telling you to back off, for God's sake, LISTEN TO THEM! adult childrenMoreADULTS are able to make their own decisions even if their parents disagree. For my part, I felt that my toxic parent was trying to coerce/bully me into relationships through continued contact AFTER I had clearly stated that I would reach out to HER when I was ready to speak. I had to apply for a protection order and was dragged into court when the toxic parent objected. Although you will always be their parent, you are no longer the only person dictating the terms of the parent-child relationship.

Elisabeth

Karl Licchi

• I'm not good at surfing

  Carlo Licchi, I also wish there was a magic pill. If I ever spot one, I'll share it with you.

Barbara

ACoNJosh

Chantal

Candace

• Karen

  Candace, I'd like to talk to you about your support group. How can we get in touch with each other?

  • Candace

    Here is a link to my Facebook. You can ask me to add you as a friend and I can tell you more about my support group. https://www.facebook.com/candace.orr?fref=gm&dti=1591772914446569&hc_location=group

    • Kecia

      Candace, I'm not sure how long it's been since this was posted, but I can't find your support group on FB.

Sue

Tammy Phillips

Tammy Phillips

Maryswitzer2

Jim

Pamela

Kelly

let her say goodbye

Lori

let her say goodbye

• knitting fork

  You can love from a safe distance without even having to get involved. I love my estranged children, but I don't like their behavior. They are too old to be parents so I keep my distance and my life is at peace now. You only have so many spinsMorearound the sun. Love yourself and accept what you cannot change.

• Maryswitzer2

  You can

let her say goodbye

• DN

  I love what you said... Not just the US... maybe all western countries... here in NZ we have these issues too...

• listeners

  It's not a switch that can be turned off and on. I suppose if everyone affected by alienation could simply and easily do what you suggest, articles like this wouldn't be written and comments wouldn't be posted. If you just look at the numerous comments on this article, it isMoreIt seems that there are large numbers of people who feel the emotional burden of alienation and struggle to come to terms with it.

• Candace

  It's not just in the United States. Alienation is an epidemic in all western countries. I lead an international support group for parents of alienated adult children and alienated grandchildren as I am one of them, and have also worked in behavioral health. The media, the government and the education systemMorehave empowered children to the point that they are rejecting and throwing away their families at an alarming rate.

love yourself

• new to it

  Your words really helped me get through a really tough time coping with the situation with my 28 year old daughter. Many Thanks.

Arlene Fazio

• Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach

  Thanks for your question. Many of our readers have found helpful forms of support online, whether here in our comment forum or elsewhere. If you are looking for personal support in your community, you can try contacting them211-Hotlineat 1-800-273-6222. 211 isMorea service that connects people to resources available in their community. Please let us know if you have any other questions. Watch after.

Never get

• The writer

  Neverwillgetit You won't feel so shattered if you can accept that marriage can make "bad" kids good and vice versa. A very rebellious kid could suddenly become an angel after marriage or they could turn into a monster overnight LOL so it all depends on your luck. who he/sheMoreMarriage makes the difference. I have seen many such cases. The spouse can be either a positive or a negative influence. Parents-in-law also play a role. If your kid is dumb enough to listen to diabolical in-laws then that's it. I'm so sorry for you but best take care of your health etc.

Never get

pj3b

seats

• RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

  Thank you for your question. Finding support for issues like alienation can sometimes be difficult, and I appreciate you reaching out to our online community here. In addition to talking to other readers here in our comments section, some have found additional internet-based supportMoregroups dealing with these issues. You can read through the comments here to find more information about helpful resources, and perhaps some of the other readers also share resources that have been helpful to them. If you are interested in joining a local support group or would like to speak to others personally, I encourage you to contact http://www.211.org at 1-800-273-6222. 211 is a service that connects people to resources available in their community. Please let us know if you have any other questions; Look out.

lcjantzi

• pj3b

  I wish I had your courage and strength but I feel hurt and guilty every minute of the day

  • lcjantzi

    Dear Pj3b,

    Give yourself some time. Being rejected by our child/children is a hurtful experience. It takes time to gain some objectivity. How would you comfort a friend when they come to you with the same situation? Be your own best friend and be kind. Your daughter has a lot to learn about life if she doesn't see how your job took care of her needs growing up. It may take some time or she may not want to acknowledge this. In the meantime, it's time to let them follow their own journey in this life and focus on being good to themselves; heal and become all you can be. I'm sure this isn't the first hard thing you've experienced in your life. You have survived other difficult circumstances, and you will survive this one too.

    Like most of us on this site, you have been a good and caring parent. This thing our kids did makes us blind and a little bit confused. Take your time, be patient with yourself. Read through the stories others have experienced here and you will find comfort, hope for yourself and strength. I stand by you ... lcjantzi

    • Never get

      Thank you for your nice words. What bothers me the most is that I will never get that time back with my daughter and grandson. Although I've done everything possible to get our relationship back, I worry more about her if something happens to me. guilt &MoreRegrets could turn her into a dysfunctional adult and I'm really concerned about that, especially if she has to choose between me or her husband. I've always told her that your husband comes first, but I didn't want to exclude her own family. She is the only grandchild and my father who is 92 years old adores her and she doesn't even spend much time with him. I taught her that family is very important and my husband and I have given her a very loving and stable life. Her husband's mother died when he was 5 years old. He was an whoops but did very well and is very intelligent but he is a grudge my daughter and one of his friends told me. I just hope my daughter doesn't fall victim to this one day, especially after I'm gone. Thank you again for your kindness. It's so appreciated.

cure

Abused and confused

healing heart

Acer Xpress

• Mastic8

  Acer Xpress His parents said: My way or the highway, that's their right. Right? He chose the Autobahn. That's his right, right? He handles the rules quite well, thank you. It sounds like his parents can't handle it when their bluff is called.

  • healing heart

    Apparently that was the problem, he didn't want to play by the rules. It sounds like he can't handle her bluff because he was the one who stopped her. But he still sounds well grounded and lives well with the fact that his parents are probably just too happyMoreknows that and is happy too.

• RobertStrankman

  Acer Xpress No progress can be made on this dreadful issue if we only have people to pat us on the back and tell us we're right. There are groups for that, they can be very helpful, but they only understand one side of this cultural phenomenon. The fact that Jake would explain his reasoning at a point where there is overwhelming opposition to the real issue isn't a bad thing. Even if you don't agree with him, give him credit for at least trying to take an opposing view and opening up to antagonism.

  Of course he's bitter. He is hurt. He was abandoned by his parents - remember they threatened to cut him out of their lives first. I agree with you that his parents can do what they want with their stuff and impose anything they want on him. That's the golden rule, right? Who has the gold makes the rules? But expecting him not to get angry about it means you must have a purity of kindness and spirit that comes only once in a generation.

  • healing heart

    @robert

    Each me is entitled to its own opinion, mine was that his parents can heal just like him. That although he denies his suffering and because he wishes them agony, he may be in even more pain...hence this page. There's nothing wrong with patting people on the back to make progress...at home and at work because trying to improve, "a pat on the back" makes people feel good, offers support. After all, that's why we're on this page. Not all of our kids are Jake, mine have different issues and I see my part in that due to the distance. But yeah she's not an idiot and neither was I at that age, in our culture we paid our own way and it wasn't expected of our parents so when it comes to money it's superficial.

    But to humanize Jake and his parents and everyone on this site, I commend everyone who is trying to make sense of this breakup challenge. It's just an opinion and I don't follow that golden rule about money but the real one which is "treat others as you would like to be treated".

    For this type of thing I never meant to convey that anyone was right or wrong, just that this site is for parents in pain and some with fresh wounds. So I wouldn't go to an AA meeting with a case of beer?

  • listeners

    RobertStrankmanAcer Xpress "abandoned by his parents" - no, that's not what Mr. Jake said. His parents set conditions as a condition of providing needed (apparently) funds for Mr. Jake's education. Conditions that Mr. Jake could not seem to accept. And then Mr. Jake let go of his parents. Mr Jake says nothingMorethat his parents threatened to cut him out of his life - he said they threatened to "throw him out" - which sounds like he's urging Mr Jake to move out and support himself. Big difference.

  • althagggg

    RobertStrankmanHe said they told him they were going to kick him out of their house, not out of their life. He was an adult who lived in their home, ate their food, used their utilities, and wanted them to give him money on his terms (not theirs) too. He wasn't "abandonedMorefrom his parents" he was unwilling to take their money on their terms and decided to punish them for setting those terms. No, he should not be "angry" at their reasoning. He is under no obligation to their money or live in their home, but sensible adults don't go so far as to punish their parents for not giving them cash when they want and how they want it.

debimon

• RobertStrankman

  debimon you are better than that. in one paragraph i can say because you are willing to sacrifice your own life for him. But you did your part. You were really good and did your part. Not only did you raise him, you tried to for a decadeMoreto give him opportunities and resources to get out of the situation he is in. I'm painfully jealous of him for having a mother like you. But you can't let him get you down, emotionally, financially...or legally. If they do drugs in a home on your behalf, the police in America can seize your property and possibly even charge you with some type of accessory crime if a prosecutor is willing to go that far. If a line has to be drawn anywhere, it has to be somewhere near unrepentant willingness to risk jailing a family member for one's conduct. Kicking him out would be an act of love towards someone infinitely deserved: you.

Acer Xpress

Acer Xpress

Acer Xpress

way to happiness

• The writer

  way to happiness

  Good for you too. Perhaps you might be wondering WHY your mother did what she did. She could have done it out of desperation. Many young people do things to their parents but are ashamed to let their relatives and frens know that they have done such terrible things to their parents. There are these kids who get married and then compare their in-laws to their parents.

  Of course, her in-laws are a novelty because they treat the young son-in-law/daughter-in-law differently than their parents treat them. Parents take things for granted. The children too.

  • way to happiness

    Why did my mom do what she did (sent that email specifically)? Because she could. Was she desperate? I think she was angry...she wanted to hurt me, my family. Will she make it again? No, as she is now blocked from emailing or messaging us.

    What terrible things did I do to my parents? As a teenager, I had some friends that my parents didn't like? I used to love going to parties with friends when I was 18... I used to go to nightclubs with friends (sometimes drunk). I'm sure I did many other horrible things to them (that my mother told the rest of my relatives and all her friends). The thing is, I used to care what she said or told others about me, but now I don't care what she says about me.

    As for my in-laws... I get along well with them, along with the rest of my husband's family, whom I love just as much.

    People cut others off for many reasons. I tried really hard to get along with my mom because I would have liked to have been close to her...but we just never got along. We never had that close mother-daughter relationship where we spent time together or did things together. On a positive note, I learned a lot from her (which one shouldn't do) in raising a family. I now have a teenager of my own who goes to parties, has girlfriends (some I like, some less), sometimes gets angry at me, sometimes slams doors, occasionally swears, gets fantastic grades in school (with my support)... With whom I understand me fantastically and whom I love very much. I have a lot of time for my children, my priority!!!

    Home is where my husband is.... & we have a great one. Anyone who comes into my life and causes a lot of trouble in the things that matter most to me has no place in my life.

  • way to happiness

    I actually get along really well with my in-laws. They are top people who I love very much... along with my husband's entire family.

    Why did my mom send this email? Because she could. The email was not specifically about me, but also about my father (whom she divorced many years ago). Personal family things. Will she ever make it again? No, because she is now blocked from all our emails. If she wasn't desperate before, I'm sure she's even more desperate now!!

    What terrible things did I do to my parents? I had one/several friends...a few...when I was a teenager (whom my parents didn't like)? ... I went to parties with friends, I moved out and lived with my Nana & Pop during my teenage years (who raised my sister and I anyway) ... while she met, went to college and did what was important to her . I'm sure there are many other terrible things my mother could tell you about that she has already told all my other relatives and all her friends. Thing is, I used to care about what she said, but not anymore.

    On a positive note, I learned ALLOT from my mom (which is...not to do). I now have a teenage son and daughter...who go to parties with friends, have girlfriends, sometimes get mad at me, sometimes slam doors, get fantastic grades in school and best of all have a great relationship with me. My husband and I raised our children ourselves. Where my husband is (that's where my home is)... and people causing trouble in my immediate family... have no place in my life.

    • The writer

      Roadtohappiness Hmmm good for you. Wish you the best. I'm sure you won't make the same mistakes your mother made. Good luck that everything turns out well and that history doesn't repeat itself because one day your own children may just turn against you and cut you off like you did your mother.

      Kids say and do the craziest things LOL. Have you ever heard this Chinese folk tale? As a Chinese, please allow me to tell you this story. A man was carrying his very old and frail father up the mountain in a basket on his back. His little son went with him. The man left his father on the mountain. As they were about to leave, his little son said to the man:

      "Dad, don't forget to bring the basket home so I can carry you up when you grow old like Grandpa."

      • way to happiness

        @The writer

        And if I stay in contact with my mother...yes, my own children could STILL cut me off one day...

        It was actually a joint decision to separate my mother (my husband and I). Yes, it was a big and difficult decision, but we decided that the best decision was to put our relationship and our children first. Both my husband and I could write a long list of reasons to support this decision (which we did). My own mother once called and talked to my husband (which demeans me) and then said... please don't tell my daughter (me) I called you!!!! My mother had no limits.

        As for my mother getting old and being taken care of, she has plenty of money/pension to pay for my sister. My sister is her beneficiary. She has already arranged that. ? How do I know? Because she told me.

        It's a win/win in my situation. As I wrote before, I tried, I would have liked to have had a great relationship with my mother... but unfortunately society doesn't work that way anymore.

        On a positive note, I now have a great and close relationship with my father (whom my mother divorced many years ago).

Jake Goodale

• Mastic8

  JakeGoodale I interrupted my parents for a little while. The biggest mistake I ever made was reconnecting and then being pulled back into their orbit. Stay the course. Be strong. Have you ever apologized out of curiosity? Any responsibility taken at all? Sounds a lot, my way or the Autobahn. Which isMoregood until you call their bluff and disconnect.

  • The writer

    Mastik8JakeGoodale

    Wow mastika8 Wow indeed! It seems like parents these days need to apologize for their service to their children.

    • Mastic8

      Writer - I'm not sure how you got from what I wrote to what you wrote. Can you be more specific?

• further

  JakeGoodale Your profile reflects a different aspect of you than your words. Is there more to your background - say very conservative parents who lived their dreams through their son? Maybe they planned your life for you without asking what you wanted? If that's the caseMorethen I understand your rebellion and decision to break away from them. I admire your determination to move forward by completing your high school and college education. However, I hope that later you will have confidence in your ability to handle them without cutting them off. In the meantime - all the best.

• deedee2652

  What about everything they've done for you since you were born?

• dlaharris

  Sounds like a great parent who wants to raise their child to be an independent, functioning adult in society.

  • Mastic8

    dlaharris... and they got what they wanted, just not how they wanted it.

• RobertStrankman

  JakeGoodale If you haven't gathered yet, there are a large number of people who are very opposed to not contacting here. On that note, thanks for posting another opposing opinion.

  To your parents' credit, they can do whatever they want with the resources at their disposal. You didn't say what they wanted. But it doesn't matter. You can say, "If you want to live in our house, you have to kiss our life-size statue of Steven Seagal after every word that has a silent E." It's her stuff, that's her right. You are an adult and you do not have to let another adult into your home if that adult does not meet the conditions of stay.

  However, let's be clear: the threat of kicking you out IS a threat to your personal safety. I will totally ignore the threat to your future, future happiness, and future income (although the fact that they would ignore that is pretty muddled). The threat of sacking means, "If you don't do as we ask, we will deny you the resources you have relied on to live. We don't care where you go as long as it's not here." Indeed, it's an awkward way of saying, "We don't care if you live or die." Rooted in love or not, that's how you show someone that he is loved. It's only one step away from putting a gun to your head. It may be their right to say that - again their resources - but expect to be trusted again after repeatedly saying it that this just isn't going to happen. If you really think about it, you just did what they asked you to do. They told you, "We will cut contact, taking the obvious risk of your demise if you don't what we say." Her response was "Sure, that sounds reasonable."

  Was it mean to go as far as you? A little... maybe. We all make mistakes and your parents obviously didn't realize how far they are pushing you. Emotional awareness is always difficult and it gets harder as you get older, not to mention the added difficulty of changing power dynamics when a child goes off alone. Obviously, you're letting them know by changing schools, getting a job, and moving out. I mean, I would qualify these kinds of behaviors—signs that you've been moving forward with your life without the resources they needed on you—as an important sign that they might be making some sort of acknowledgment of the impact of their words and behaviors had on you. Making a mistake is one thing. Refusing to correct or even admitting a mistake after being informed about it is a sign of lack of remorse and a bigger sign that the behavior is likely to be repeated in the future.

  For everything I have said here and before, I would like to point out that I hope that you will let them back into your life on your own time. It's been eight years, and while I'm thankful every day that my mom isn't in my life, I won't lie that there are times when it sucks. It's like a big part of my life is gone. At my wedding, my wife's family shared stories of how proud they are to see this little girl grow into a beautiful woman, and the longest relationship I have had has been with a best friend I met as a teenager. Although some of my only positive memories of my mother in the few years before everything went wrong was the dog we both raised, my mother will never see what I did with the dogs I have now. Or when I'm lying in bed sick and all I want is for my mommy to bring me a cup of chicken soup, put on cartoons, kiss my forehead and tell me everything will be fine. Knowing that she would pose a constant threat to me in my life doesn't change the lack of emotional comfort that happy people experience until their parents die. Doing it for the right reasons - like I think you did - only makes it hurt more.

  However, it is all your prerogative. do you trust them can you trust them Does that even matter? Is the “juice worth the squeeze” so to speak? Questions that only you can answer. This is your story, not your parents'. Being part of it is a privilege, not a right.

• listeners

  Jake Goodale So Jake. I will not defend your parents for threatening to cut you off if you don't conform. I won't criticize them either. I will commend you for not prostituting yourself. If you don't want to do things the parent's way, it seems to me that the right move is to do it your own way, but also pay your own way to do it your own way . so good for you

  But cut contact? There may be more to this story, but that seems a bit of an exaggeration. Make this way overboard. I think your parents expected you to conform in some way because of their subjective, good, if imperfect, idea of ​​what is in your best interest in life - and let's just assume that they conformed 100 % have erred . Even if they're "wrong" about what's best for Jake, that hardly justifies the extreme performance. Usually, when parents want something specific for a child, the desire is rooted in love.

  And what about all the good things they've done for you? They gave you this life that you have now. Doesn't that count? I do not get it. It's as if one person can do 10,000 good things for another, but if that person does 1 bad thing in the eyes of the recipient, it's as if none of those other good things ever happened. Industrial fair? Balanced? objective? I do not see it.

  Now let's just say that you think your parents are horrible people and have done a long list of bad things - not just one bad thing. OK. I get it. But last time I checked, 2 mistakes is not a right. Adult children who cut off their parents in response to allegations of parental wrongdoing become total hypocrites. You respond to what you call dysfunctional behavior with more dysfunctional misbehavior. And when that happens, wrong and right get pretty skewed. Who is wrong and who is right no longer matters. And again, what about love?

  And lest you think that cutting off isn't dysfunctional, I assure you that we are all hardwired as 21st century human beings to have our inner selves, our self-image, our self-esteem, our capacity for love and compassion, and our harmony with nature rooted in family and parental consent. Deny it if you want, but that's your mind denying it, and you're denying something over which you have no control. We are all here from our old selves from centuries past. We evolved and survived to get to this moment in time. You were a Neanderthal once, Jake. This is you. This is me. We all are. A part of the basic human nature is the family. It just is. And it's bigger than you. All of this was decided long ago by our ancestors—the Neanderthals from whom we evolved. In order to survive, to reach this moment, they found out and passed on to us that we have to be a family to survive.

  My final point, Jake, relates to that funny little leveler that lives inside most of us called compassion. What about it? Jake, right now, I'm guessing your folks are absolutely freaking out. In emotional agony. You lost your son. They feel like their hearts have been ripped out of their bodies through their throats. You're just sick with grief. reconciliation brother. You must seek a path of peace with your parents. You do have a say in that. You have some control over it. You may have a relationship with your parents that you have a say in how close or how often you are in contact. But give them that. They undeniably deserve it. And when you do that, you'll really grow up. Then you are really independent. Until then, you're still growing up.

  • Jake Goodale

    AListenerJakeGoodaleThey definitely tried to force me to live the way they wanted out of love. But that's not what I wanted and it's my life, I'm not told what to do.

    love is not enough My parents showed that they were not willing to support me or be there for me when I needed them. I've responded to glitches by shutting it down. It's not my job to fix my parents. If they want to be in my life, they can control their behavior and adjust. If not then well. I agree that family is essential to survival, which is why I cut it off. I need people to support me if I ever get into trouble. My parents showed that if things weren't done exactly their way, they wouldn't do it. By breaking them up, I've been able to build relationships with people who have proven to have helped me the way I need it when I have a problem.

    My final point is, well, they should be in pain and they will be in pain until they're in shape. I have a life and I am not being controlled, manipulated or told what to do.

    • broken mother

      So, have you given your parents support or comfort, or is it just what you think YOU are entitled to?

      "You can nurture relationships with those who have PROVEN themselves to you."

      Sounds conditional to me; You expect from others what you don't want (or can't) give.

      Life is give and take - not just what awaits YOU!

      Parents have an obligation to take care of children and NOT to take care of ADULTS who act like children.

    • althagggg

      JakeGoodale: If what you're saying is true (although I can hardly believe it), you're stopping your parents for not doing what you want them to. It's their money and they offer it to you as long as certain conditions are met. You do not agree to these terms and insteadMoreIf you simply refuse the money, you are "punishing" them for not giving you their money the way you want it (unconditionally). And you punish them in the most extreme way imaginable. This is all about control - you say you don't want to be controlled, but you try to control them. "Get your behavior under control and adapt"???? Are you kidding me? You say your parents have to do as you say, give you their money how you want, or you're going to let them down? For my part, I hope that your parents are doing well and living a happy life without any pain. The responsibility that parents have for their children's entire lives is beyond your understanding (or obviously beyond your care). Parents make thousands of sacrifices every day to raise children, and when they have done their best, they have earned their happiness. By the way, you're talking about not getting "support" from your parents when you actually mean "money." If you had wanted her support, you would not have let her down. It sounds like you want your money on your own terms.

    • listeners

      JakeGoodaleALListener Where's the compassion in your attitude Jake? Your answer reflects a lack of basic human empathy. Very disturbing. You say it's "good" that your parents are in pain. Actually, it's never good when someone is in pain. parents or not. People shouldn't like it when others suffer, especially our family. Especially the people who gave us life and took care of us so that we could emerge from childhood and call ourselves “adults”.

      Parenting is complex. I have yet to meet anyone who has made it their mission to be "the worst parent ever". It's the exact opposite. Anyone who decides to have children sets out with the best of intentions. To be a parent as good as or better than the parent he or she had. And then the children come...

      All parents make mistakes. There are no perfect parents and no child receives a perfect upbringing. Every parent has an idea of ​​what his or her role should be and how that role should be performed. Every parent has an idea of ​​how the child or children should be and how that should be implemented. Then one adds the "stuff" of life to these visions. Defects. Unresolved psychological problems. Maybe a bottle thing, or porn, or none of those off-center issues, maybe mom or dad or both are “too anal”, too perfectionist, to this, to that. And we all bring this “this to that too” to our children, and the result is imperfections. And sometimes we're in a bad mood, we don't feel good and we have to make split-second decisions that won't be 100% right.

      And test children. Children test boundaries. Instinctively. Young children hear “no” and part of growing up is exploring the boundaries of “no”. Etc.

      All of this and more makes parenting a complex minefield for imperfect young parents to navigate with the best of intentions.

      You're not reporting a crime that's been committed against you, Jake. I will not defend the sexual abuse of a child by a parent. If your parents have sexually abused you even once, then by all means let them go. If they physically abused you with beatings or whatever, I wouldn't blame you for cutting them loose.

      But here, from what you report, their "high crime rate" is nothing more than trying to force you to live the way they wanted. Is that it?

      If so, I find your answer amazing. It reflects a disturbed mind. Your reaction is exaggerated. punishing. It's really off center. It triggers thoughts like "crying over spilled milk" (and you're the one crying), "making a mountain out of a molehill," and "sweating the little stuff."

      Don't get me wrong here — I readily concede that unless we're talking about things like crime, parents who expect their young adult children to "live the way they want" stick their heads up their butts , drugs, reckless sexual behavior, or life-threatening activity. If it's nothing more serious than the parents wanting the young adult to be an athlete, but the young adult wants to be an artist, then the parents are just wrong and they're trying to stop a locomotive and it will never happen. I know the exact details of this "live how they want" you're referring to, but if it's nothing more serious than you wanted to major in X and they wanted you to major in Y as opposed to everything and to everyone else you read here, that's not a big enough "wrong" to justify cutting off your parents.

      Please note this. I would also encourage you to talk to a therapist about your apparent lack of empathy.

• The writer

  Jake Goodale Good for you. be your own man I hope you are happy and feeling like a hero. Show them they're nothing you can't handle. So you've put them in their place, you should feel pretty good. Life should be wonderful for you. Parents like that can be such a pain and annoyance LOL.

  Maybe you could do all of that without cutting them off? Was it necessary to cut them off? If you don't regret it, then I think you did the right thing. Btw, why not get rid of that last name as well for a clean cut? If I sound sarcastic, allow me to apologize.

  • Jake Goodale

    The ScribeJakeGoodale I expect support from family and friends. That being said, I don't often need support or help for anything, so I expect people to come and bat for me. I needed money for college, even after doing very well in high school, receiving very good financial support, and working 15+ hours a week while in school. The money my parents offered me came with too many strings attached and frankly not enough given their socioeconomic status and education.

    This effectively showed where they stood when it came to supporting me when I needed help now and in the future. So I cut them off. Life is tough and I can't put resources into people who aren't there for me when I need them. Cutting them off was primarily to punish them and secondarily to make sure I was giving enough time to people who really care about me.

    • The writer

      Jake Goodale The scribe

      "So I cut them off. Life is tough and I can't put resources into people who won't be there for me when I need them. Cutting them off was primarily to punish them..."

      All I can say is WOW. It seems that parents these days should be PUNISHED if they fail to meet their children's expectations. The parent-child relationship is NOT a business. When life is hard for you, do you think it was easy for her?

dlaharris

• Mastic8

  dlaharris Good for you that you don't give away your power. I read another thread where the child disappeared for no reason or reason and reappeared ten years later on the eve of a sister's wedding. Her father gave her the money left by a deceased grandmotherMorewhile she was estranged, he told her he was sure her reasons were good and true, but an explanation would have been desirable, and then told her she was no longer welcome. When your daughter comes forward, tell her you want an apology and an explanation before she gets your forgiveness. Alienation and the consequences of it go both ways.

• The writer

  dlaharris What goes around goes around – the principle of KARMA. Their children will do the same to them. You will experience the same bitterness.

• deedee2652

  dlaharris I agree I tried for a year we talked then we fought there was always an excuse to cause a problem. So I'm done. She had the opportunity to reconnect with her family. She has chosen to continue to find wrong with us. You are not alone.

• further

  dlaharris - "Didn't even get a thank you for her graduation money or Christmas gifts we sent". That's rude of your daughter in every way. I am happy to read that you and your husband have decided to give up trying to reach her and just get on with your life.MoreSome of us adhere to manners and respect while others do not. When my daughter asked me not to contact her, I respected her wish. It will be up to her to resume a relationship with me. I now have a good relationship with my younger daughter and many good friends. All the best, Dlaharris. .

Medicine3

• deedee2652

  Leighann3 Hey Leighann, I don't know how long this has been going on. But one day you will get up and move on. I'm not saying he'll never come back

  But you will realize that the energy you put into the pain you feel is disrupting your life. It took over a year and just two weeks ago my daughter had the baby and wreaked havoc. And still flew in to see my other daughter and grandchildren. When I think of the disrespect and upset that I and the rest of the family went through, I made a decision to move on and accept. Again and again I feel the pain and then reject it. It's hard work but life is short and if for whatever reason our children can't accept us then we have to close the door. One day he will need his family. He doesn't lose you.

  Then one day the door will open.

  Wish you good luck and happiness and strength

• Party C

  First, my slogan isn't Party C. It's Patty C. I don't know how to change it.

  I just want to say that I understand and have empathy for you Leighann3.

  My daughter who I haven't seen in 7 months showed up for Christmas and I saw her for 2 hours. She was at her laptop at the time and told me she had something to do. Went to her sister's house and said she would be back. Never seen again since. She has now left town to go home. I texted her on New Year's Eve to say Happy New Year and wish her luck. No reply received. I just texted her a few days ago to tell her about her grandmother's 91st birthday party and never got a reply. The party came and went and the night of the party she texted me...sorry I was busy and sick with a cold.

  I'm not writing back now. I hate that it has come to this. That I can't talk to my daughter but she's disrespected me so many times I'm over it. I'm sorry that she's not feeling well and of course I want to tell her that. But why, she doesn't even text me back when I say something. It's all terrible that this has happened and I don't know what to do. I need to save myself I am under so much stress and crying a lot and my life is worth more than that. I hope we can all be strong and move forward and praise God and love God and love everyone and I want most of all love my child but she won't let me. What a sad world this is. I'm sorry I'm not very encouraging, but I don't have any encouragement at the moment.

  • RobertStrankman

    Party C sounds like what your daughter is doing is known as "Fade." Kind of a way to let the relationship die violently without conflict just by not reacting. Few people would consider ending a relationship a good way, especially with one's parents,Morebut for some it can be an option of last resort when it's either that or an epic and painful argument. She's made it a point to be cold and distant in hopes that you'd just stop pursuing it. It also sounds like it worked. There's a bigger story here, though, and I'm curious to hear your side of it. You say '...she disrespected me so many times...' may I ask how? Is it just this fade out or did something else happen on top of that? I don't want to remind you of any pain, I'm just trying to listen deeper.

    • The writer

      RobertStrankmanParty C

      You are right when you mention the "fade" strategy. Many young adults use this tactic to shake off their parents because they find them disruptive. You want the relationship to die a natural death, but is it really natural?

      It is terrible for young people to treat their parents like this after benefiting from their efforts.

deedee2652

jaine80xbee

jaine80xbee

healing heart

beeeem

• The writer

  beeceeme I wish you the best of luck, but remember to always be true to yourself. If you have to swallow every little bit of self-esteem, ask yourself if it's worth it. Much luck.

• RobertStrankman

  beeceeme You are treading on very dangerous ground, even if that ground is paved with good intentions. It's not your job to heal their pain. Her pain is her story and she has sole responsibility for dealing with it. It may not be their fault, but it is their responsibility. She can ask for help, yes. You are welcome to offer it. But you raised her, your job is done. Hopefully you have taught her how to manage her pain, when to deal with it on her own and when help is needed... and from whom.

  I feel like I want to ramble, so I'll do my best to be brief. If you try to start the relationship with the mindset, "It's up to me as a parent to heal my injured adult daughter," you run the very clear risk of driving her further by disrespecting her right to deal with issues that arise your way. Admittedly, you didn't articulate what action you intended to take, nor did you share much of your story, so perhaps I'm just indulging my own past here. Just...it's okay to take it very hard from your perspective...maybe start by acknowledging that you're available and letting her take the next step.

AbbeyNormal1

further

Christian mom

love myself

• lcjantzi

  Dear LovingMyself,

  I had a similar situation and I feel your pain reading your post. It helped me to know that I'm not the only one going through these circumstances. Thank you for posting here. I hope you will keep posting your progress as it comforts me and maybe others too.

• schön

  My ex tried to get me to sign off on his pensions (two) and house during the divorce. He got angry, his eye widening with anger and becoming menacing, but I held out. My sister deregistered her house during her divorce and became homeless as a result. Her ex was fine and remarried, but my sister Tina died of heart failure at 53.

  I'm so glad you held out, this is your investment if you need medical attention.

• Plant

  I just found this site after googling "alienation" and reading your comment first. It took my breath away, not only because of the horrific "unfairness" but because it is so strikingly similar to my own experience. My ex was mentally broken but an accomplished manipulator. Lived well above his means, living on money from family members (had a Lexus, Mercedes and new Flex cars, but didn't pay child support because he was unemployed). I've always provided my son with a nice house and paid my bills with a no-frills nurse's wage, but we made it. My son got a Lexus from his father for his birthday and my son yelled at me because I wouldn't cover the insurance.

  ... I could go on and on but I know you have the picture.

  Until I read your post I thought I had gone insane and there were things I could have done to prevent this. Now my son will have nothing to do with me because I'm not paying for his college (he inherited nearly $1 million from his father's estate).

  • Amomof9

    Wow! My ex managed to buy lots and lots of expensive things while he was unemployed and filing for welfare so the system would harass me for him. The whole time I had the kids I didn't ask for anything, even paid child support while I had them with me untilMoreI could not anymore. I just said, "Not anymore!" The worst thing about divorces like this is that the kids get used to getting what they want because they know we're scared of losing them. But now I know that nothing I could ever do would be enough. I know that I may have to face the fact that I could never have a strong relationship with them. They have learned not to have relationships, but THINGS to hold on to, because to them, things can't hurt you the way people can. All we can do is be strong, move on with our lives positively and pray like crazy that God will work His miracles and one day they will see the importance of loving parents.

• Amomof9

  I feel your pain deeply I have 4 children, 3 girls and 1 boy. My ex and I went through a difficult divorce beginning in September 2004, which he initiated after I took our children and moved in with my parents for a short period of time (not long because my momMorewas not good with the children.) I spent until Easter 2006 raising them alone. All the time he or his family would drive by my house and yell at me, spread rumors about me all over town, leave ugly notes on my car, sneak up on us in public, and try to run off with the kids, me try to bring back court to fight for custody. They threatened that I would never see my children again, etc. etc. The whole time he refused to even speak to the children on the phone. He said we were all dead to him, that he was starting a new family etc. Then one day he finally came to visit and we were stressed because he was already 2 hours late and the kids wanted to see him so badly. They were fighting over a dress to impress him and I was hanging dresses back then. One daughter pushed the other daughter, causing her to fall and hit a doorpost or hit her head, which immediately swelled and broke the surface of the skin. I reacted without thinking and swung a plastic hanger and slapped the older one across the lower buttocks, leaving welts. I knew I shouldn't have done it right after that, but I was so angry that she had hurt her sister in this way. Long story short, her father eventually showed up afterwards and finally got me to agree to giving him temporary custody in a case that was later dropped. I had no representation as my attorney was in the midst of an end of life crisis at the time without my prior knowledge. So my ex convinced me I had no right to see my kids, he filed on welfare and beat me as many times as he could with as much child support as was allowed and then spent over 2 years trying to get my kids estranged from me until they came to be too much for him and his young girlfriend. Then he finally let her call me, but by then the damage was done. They would spit hate at me whenever I disagreed or didn't do what they asked. The girls were the worst, but I kept trying. My son was the most abused by his new stepmother as she was too young to deal with, he was very close to me and was only 5 years old when he moved in with them. So he was a handful. My son has now moved in with me and my husband on his 10th birthday and the girls have moved in and out over the years, some multiple times. I've tried to help them, to show them that I'm always there for them, but they just use me and talk horribly about me and my new husband and stepkids. They don't respect me and post terribly mean things about me on Facebook for all our old family and friends to see. They've even gone so far as to say things like, "Just do us all a favor and kill yourself." But I've always tried to always be here when they say they want to work on a relationship again. But only until they don't get what they want. It was also hell for my hsband and stepmids. They berated them, stole from them, took over every time they came around. Despite that, I still miss her and wish things were different. Holidays are always hard and I remember and miss every birthday they have, but the pain is too great to bear to know what to do. The girls are now 18, 19 and 22 and have all lived with my family for some time over the past year but now they hate me again for cutting them whatever they want and not acting like a parent. Sometimes I wish they would just grow up and other times I'm scared to death of losing them forever. Our house is always more peaceful when they're not around. I don't know what's worse. Sometimes I enjoy seeing what they do on social media, then they use social media to intentionally hurt me. So I decided to unfollow them now. I just want to get on with life but I feel like half of me will be missing forever. Yes, it's hard! Mine say I just like to fight, but I don't. I just felt a desperate need to try to explain things and want them to listen to me. I always listen to her feelings, even when they hurt, but I can't take it anymore. So, maybe no hookup is better until she and you both can work through things on your own for a little bit. Sometimes it's nobody's fault. It's just trying to wade through the mess that life has thrown at you. Just know that you are not alone with your heartbreak and I believe that God sees our suffering and helps us endure. He has other plans for us that require strength of character, which usually comes from humbling ourselves first. I will pray for you and any parents here who are struggling.

• way to happiness

  It sounds like you went through an allotment. It's a great decision that you weren't pressured into signing that legal document so he can buy a house (with you) and it's awful that they all seem to be ganging up on you.

  It sounds like you have a much bigger purpose in life than they do. Work on yourself, date, travel, volunteer, do charity work with other kids or teens...anything to take your mind off your disrespectful family and work on yourself. What do they say... YOLO (you only live once) and life is too short not to enjoy!!!

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

Spirited lady

Acer Xpress

TracyStrick

• way to happiness

  @TracyStrick

  Why is your daughter not talking to you, what is her reason?

• Superdips

  TracyStrick I'm so sorry Tracy, it must feel hard to have hope, I find that my hope is fading with each passing day. It's a grieving process that you just can't accept. Have you ever heard of The Secret, good at when you want something they say they doMorea vision board. So I went to my local store and bought a giant plexiglass clamp frame (cheap but pretty) very large. I'll put a photo of my daughter and what we could make of childhood there. I snapped a photo of our home woods where we took the dog and had a hot chocolate at the cafe in the middle, a photo of Bella Italia where you get free breakfast where we used to love to go. Nothing overwhelming. I don't think it will ever be fixed and I don't think yours will ever be fixed. I know when she finally comes to me I can't blame her, I can't leave her defense. The things I must say one day must be recorded for a long time. I send my love - like me I know what you want for Christmas I will pray although I don't believe much. xxx

  • Try and pray

    I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I'm in the same boat with my only child. My ex-husband and I divorced two and a half years ago and I've only seen my son once since then. I'm just devastated. I think about it all day every day.MoreI miss him so much.

healing heart

healing heart

Carol in Kentucky

• The writer

  Carol in Kentucky Could it be that you gave him too much?

• RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

  Carol in Kentucky I am so sorry to hear about your current situation with your son. No parent imagines solving these problems with their child, and I know how difficult that must be for you. Ultimately, your son is an adult and can make his own decisions, including the ones that areMoreare illegal or potentially harmful. In the end, the only thing you can control is how you react and what boundaries you set for your son. At this point, it might be helpful to seek support for yourself as you work through this period. Signing up here in our online community is a good start! If you are interested in finding additional support in your community, such as B. Counseling or support groups, contact http://www.211.org at 1-80-273-6222. 211 is a service that connects people to local resources. I know how difficult this must be for you and I wish you and your family all the best in the future. Watch after.

Superdips

• adult child of narcissists

  Siprendips Thank you for posting this. I hope your daughter feels ready to work on a relationship with you as it seems you are trying really hard.

  For years I tried to mend my relationship with my parents and talk about how the medical neglect (refusing treatment for anxiety and punishing me for anxiety attacks and pulling my hair out starting in elementary school), emotional abuse, and Selfishness about my childhood and young adulthood hurt me. Long story short, I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer a month after my 23rd birthday and my parents refused to visit me or offer any financial, emotional or logistical support. I was a few months into my first job out of college and needed so much help, only to find that the people I could have counted on for the scariest, most dangerous moments of my life weren't interested. I lived a short affordable flight away but instead of seeing their potentially dying daughter they chose to spend a two week holiday abroad during the most dangerous part of my treatment and refused to give me emergency contact information because "There's no way the journey will be cut short." And yet I tried to maintain a relationship despite being hurt as badly as they treated me and slowly realizing that their actions during my treatment were emblematic of an abusive childhood , which I thought was normal.

  It was 5 years after my treatment that I was no longer in touch and in those 5 years I really tried to have quiet conversations and talk to both of my parents about how strained our relationship was and what steps needed to be taken to fix it to fix this. During that time, they minimized my emotions, offered half-hearted apologies ("sorry I'm not the parent you think you deserve"), and ignored my boundaries. I've made mistakes too, but at that point my biggest mistake was not cutting them out of my life the moment they showed no interest in me or my illness when I was sick.

  When I finally had to let them go after another dramatically horrible interaction, they acted like they had absolutely no idea why I was upset. Not only have we had this conversation for years, but I laid it out in my no contact letter, along with steps they could take to repair the relationship. But in their eyes they are the innocent victims. It kills me reading through these comments because so many parents refuse to acknowledge that they are at least part of the problem.

  I don't think my parents are able to admit mistakes and work on themselves to fix their relationship. Now they have two successful, well-educated, independent adult children who have become estranged. It pains me more than anything that they are so unwilling to lift a finger to have me back in their lives, preferring to live as a martyr for whoever will listen. I don't know the history of your daughter, of course, but I hope you can work towards some kind of understanding. It sounds a lot like you're really willing to do the work that needs to be done. <3

• Superdips

  I'm really sorry you're feeling "read tired". Yes, I think being a young adult and being a parent are equally difficult. My daughter never treated me badly, she was incredibly respectful. She just kept her feelings to herself - I wish she had screamed nowMoreme from the rooftops. I want my daughter back in my life, I love her and I miss her and not a day goes by that I don't have a tear but I'm 58 years old and I'm the one with all the wisdom and life experience. I have to address myself and look at myself and move on or else I'll blame and when she comes home and I hold my breath and pray we'll fight and maybe she'll go away forever. She doesn't owe me anything. As an adult, she has choices and unless I accept her feelings with compassion and warmth without defense, I WILL NEVER HAVE THE PLEASURE OF SHARE THE REST OF HER LIFE.

• RobertStrankman

  Siprendips I'm almost in tears. If I had read something like this from my mother years ago, we could have had a relationship. That's exactly what I wanted from my wife. Actually no, I wanted the willingness to recognize their own behavior. You passed thatMoreand are willing to change them. You are - and I would like to stress that this is about the best terminology I can use in this situation - exceedingly great.

• The writer

  Siprendips My, my. I didn't know it was so hard being the parents of young adults today. I feel tired just reading.

  • mmof4boyz

    It's so difficult because today we're dealing with spoiled, self-absorbed adults. It's all about them and respect has fallen by the wayside.

    I would never have spoken to my parents or treated my parents the way my son treats me. I deal with so many emotions from shock, disappointment, pain to feeling like this just can't be real.

    My family is my life. It's all for me Maybe I'm deluding myself to think that he's felt the same way all these years. Now that he has two wonderful little girls, I think he would see the value of a family.

    • Superdips

      mmof4boyz I think life is really difficult because it's become a blame-pointing culture – we trip and before we left the cafe we ​​googled “claim” we just don't want to take responsibility for looking where we go. What strikes me is that when things go wrong in people's lives, it's easier to blame parents than to take responsibility and change. Fred next door makes £120,000 a year. says John, who skipped school on £20,000 - thinking to himself, "If my mother had tutored me, I would..."

      If I were you I would write a letter - just say feelings, you can find them by googling "list of feeling words". Don't blame how you feel. I would then request a coffee shop chat by putting the envelope on the table at the beginning and saying, "Just in case this went horribly wrong, I'd give you this to read later." Ask him to put it in his pocket and get started - The moment you reprimand him, he gets defensive and when we get defensive we stop listening instead

      THEY NEVER VISIT, SAY I MISS THEM AND THE CHILDREN AND WONDER IF WE CAN GET SOME DATES ARRANGED - IT'S GREAT TO LOOK FORWARD

      I read "Your family is your life", you sound just like me and it's damn sad when our world is turned upside down. Without a crystal ball, we have no idea when or if that will change. Much luck

dlaharris

Beck 4131

• RobertStrankman

  Becki 4131 She is grown up. She has her own life, her own responsibilities, her own resources. You don't owe her anything material, money, cars, or a 50 cent candy bar (no intentional rhyme). They are not free resources and absolutely do not have to give what you deserveMorepeople who treat you badly. I find it interesting that you call it disrespectful. It would be if you were an authority figure. You are not. You are an adult trying to be nice to another adult. You don't have to *give* anything to anyone who is mean to you. Would she treat a neighbor like that if she asked for a cup of sugar? "I don't have to tell you what I'm baking or sharing. We are neighbors, not friends. just give it to me!”

• way to happiness

  I had a similar problem with my children. Mine are home for recess too?, and my older daughter kicked the side of my sport BMW because I told her she could only use the Audi? These children have no respect and are not grateful for anything. i went outsideMoreand bought her a Ford for her birthday before college started laughing and trying to flush the keys down the toilet... What's wrong with our kids?

purple lace

• way to happiness

  purple lace

  I totally agree, don't be a victim!! You treat others the way you would like to be treated. Tell us everything; What else did those disrespectful kids do to you?

  • purple lace

    Roadtohappiness I don't apologize for my son's behavior, but his girlfriend can't have friends, fights with her mother and sister. She criticizes her sister and sometimes they don't speak to each other for weeks. She wants to control everyone in her life. They came to my house for dinner and I canceled because my husband was not well, she took that as an excuse and said it was because we didn't want her there. Unfortunately, my son believes everything she says. She even convinced him that when he called us we thought he was a nuisance because we didn't answer the phone fast enough! My sister lives in another country and my son and his girlfriend went on vacation and she even rowed and insulted my sister! I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture.

    I don't see any hope of a reconciliation unless he leaves her and I really don't think that will happen.

    • way to happiness

      You seem like a nice lady to Violetlace. I read what you wrote...the thing is, you have to let your son go and make his own decisions, suffer his own consequences and experience life, it's a great way to grow up and learn! If you've raised your son properly (and frankly, as best you can), he'll come around eventually, if that's what he's supposed to do.

      Regarding his girlfriend, whether she can keep/make friends, gets along with her own mother or dislikes her sister is none of your business. That's her business, and judging or talking about a person (especially your son's girlfriend) like that is wrong. Your son is grown... and if he chooses to believe everything she says, respect his choices.

      Okay, even your sister got into a fight with that girl... that's a problem your sister struggles with. Not you!.

      Here's some really good advice - if you don't want to lose your son completely, respect his decisions. Don't speak ill of his girlfriend or future girlfriends.

      I also have a son, he had girlfriends (whom I secretly hated) and others who I absolutely adored.

      My son and I have a fantastic relationship, he tells me basically everything, he asks for my advice and I also tell him my own stories about my past good and not so good relationships. He listens to me and I also listen to him with a positive and respectful non-judgmental attitude because I love my son too.

      • purple lace

        Roadtohappiness Of course I never mentioned any of this to my son. I only told you about her actions so that you can get an idea of ​​what she is like. From day one we have welcomed her and her sister into our home, despite the fact that she has insulted us and ripped away our core values, which by the way are honorable and not imposed on anyone.

        I think our mistake was always making them walk all over us. We did this because our son is very sensitive to any criticism but despite everything he chose to ignore us.

        I'm not sure why you are in this forum as you don't seem to have any issues with your son so don't understand that even though we love and respect our son, he listens to his girlfriend who keeps telling us criticized .

        It's hard to respect your decisions when they're based on lies.

• The writer

  Violet Tip I agree with Dr. Phil totally agree. People are treated as they allow themselves to be treated. If kids etc. know we won't take crap from them, they won't dare give us crap.

• healing heart

  Yes, we're getting to a point where it's becoming easier to live without them, to hold on to our dignity rather than hang around and be treated like dirt.

  Hold on.

  • TracyStrick

    For my part, I will never find it easier to be without my daughter. I will never stop trying, never give up

• Party C

  I cried through your whole letter. I feel the same as you. Have a similar experience. Just know that you are not alone. That helps a bit I hope.

  We must enjoy the last days of our lives. With or without our children.

  Patty

discarded mom

• RobertStrankman

  discarded mom You absolutely do not have to tolerate abuse. Nobody deserves that. It's not worth it when the price of reconciliation is your own continued emotional health. No way. Worse when you get to the point where you feel the need to defend yourself. At this point, the entire battle is already lost, because that's not how healthy relationships work.

  But when a parent wants to talk to their alienated child again, one of the earliest, most important, and most painful steps is to suck them up and listen. Not because there is a right and a wrong, but because being right is less important than being happy.

  That said, I've read your posts and assume your story is a bit more complicated than what the article referred to.

  • The writer

    RobertStrankman rejected Mother

    I agree Robert. Children, even though they are adults, don't understand that winning the battle is not the same as winning the war. Why go to war with your parents at all?

    I notice that many kids today are pushing their parents into corners where they either have to turn to fight or just face the walls.

    • RobertStrankman

      The Scribe I find your post fascinating.

      "Children, although grown up, do not understand..."

      They are adults. Plain and simple. When it comes to law and society, they are expected to be able to understand everything that is needed to navigate the world in which they live. In situations of alienation, they obviously do. To say otherwise is not only demonstrably wrong, but I would consider it cruel to deny someone the common courtesy of the expected social knowledge afforded to any stranger just because they happen to be offspring in conflict with their parents.

      "Why go to war with your own parents at all?"

      Why go to war with someone over personal conflicts? When someone doesn't respect personal boundaries, there's a good reason. If I repeatedly tell someone, "Please don't talk to your friends about my business," and they talk anyway, that's a reason to follow that line more consistently and take action for crossing that line. "If you don't stop discussing my affairs with your friends, I will stop discussing my affairs with you" for example. Such behavior would be unacceptable in a friend. Why are adults expected to tolerate it from their parents?

      No, I don't think these issues are unique to the current generation. I think they appear unique only because social media essentially both enforces 24/7 access to virtually anyone we want and provides a larger circle of support for people who would otherwise be committed to a family that has them makes you unhappy. It's easier to fulfill the desire to cut your parents out of your life when your social circle includes more people who know the person you want to be rather than the person your parents chose you to be.

      • The writer

        RobertStrankmanDer Schreiber

        Robert,

        I am sorry. I write from an oriental point of view. Our background is very different. I grew up in a traditional Chinese home (I'm foreign-born/foreign-raised Chinese). You know Confucianism - piety, ancestor worship, etc. We have to pay homage to our parents/ancestors, but our children are doing well today, they are so different from us, although they also grew up in traditional families. They don't believe in karma, destiny whatever. I think it's the mass media, the internet and cross-cultural influences.

      • RobertStrankman

        The Writer Obviously there is a big difference in thought here, and I don't mean the cultural one. You seem to value tradition - there are many cultural traditions in America, although few significant ones are older than maybe six generations - and I look at them as something we can embrace. Many cultures have built within themselves a form of close-knit loyalty and honor for the family. The story of Romeo & Juliet would not have so much weight if it weren't for the "taboo" nature of disobedience to our parents, which is implicitly understood before the story even begins. If you were to watch last decade's film starring Johnny Knoxville (the one whose title is a common term for donkey), there was a certain stunt that the infamous Steve-O refused because he didn't want his father to be like that was disappointed in him. I daresay it is a virtually universal cultural trait.

        A few months ago I set out the reasons for abandoning this tradition; My mother was typically emotionally abusive and we had old-fashioned personality conflicts when she wasn't. Even in my culture, I've met many people who expect me to take care of these issues just because "she's your mom." At what point in your culture would you consider it acceptable to sever that relationship knowing that at the end of the day my mother's greatest crime was simply being a mean person who constantly made me miserable?

      • The writer

        RobertStrankmanDer Schreiber

        Hello Robert,

        I had never and never would consider breaking ties with my parents, but if my siblings were mean, I would. Today's young adults in my community would nonchalantly put their parents down for maybe 10% of your mother's meanness. So I don't know who is meaner - the parents or the kids.

      • RobertStrankman

        The WriterI can't speak to your community. I can speak to many of the alienated adults whose stories I have had the privilege of hearing. Many of them sacrifice a great deal when they exclude their parents. You lose beloved siblings, pets, relics of cherished memories. If they wantedMoreto be mean, they would just piss off their parents and still see a beloved old toy.

      • listeners

        RobertStrankmanThe Scribe "dissolve this relationship"? Your choice of words makes it sound like the parent-child relationship is a corporate organization. Or a marriage.

        I think it's acceptable for people - including adult children, including parents - to withdraw from relationships that have become so rocky with conflict and disagreement that space and time are needed. The decision to step away from relationships is about both mutual respect and common sense. But after giving each other some space and time, the same barometers of mutual respect and common sense suggest that we turn back and at least try again to seek a path of mutual understanding, reconciliation and resolution.

        I understand that the picture of reconciliation and resolution will vary from family to family, from person to person. There are some truly dysfunctional people in our world who just can't function in a normal, emotionally healthy adult relationship. Were I the adult child of such a parent, I would maintain an appropriate level of physical and emotional distance, but I would still have some relationship (and that can be as little as the occasional card at Christmas and birthdays or whatever) and I would state my reasons for the distance I chose clearly and directly. Wish parents well, direct positive energy towards parents but keep a safe distance.

        And yet for so many grieving parents here the adult child has chosen to become estranged from the parents and the reasons are an absolute mystery as the adult child refuses to explain it believing the parents are " should know". For so many of these alienations, the decision to alienate is as dysfunctional as anything the adult child believes the parents are to blame, making the whole mess an act of hypocrisy. Dysfunction meets more dysfunction, and "who's right" is so distorted that when "apologies" are due, they're so mutual.

        In my view, alienation is dysfunctional and toxic—most often (with very few notable exceptions) as the claims the adult child makes of the parent that lead to the alienation. It's a scenario where dysfunction meets dysfunction. Hypocrisy in bloom. And really - what's the point? What I see is a lot of negative energy. A lot of. Adult children who are not really happy about the path they have chosen for themselves. And just look at the numbers of grieving parents on this page...at some point this alienation thing "went viral." absurdly.

        They suggest the parents should apologize. For many, apologies are vastly overrated. It's just words after all. Some people apologize without ever meaning it. Some of us never apologize for anything, yet our actions speak to regret about our past choices. Sure, in theory, all parents should “apologize” for any imperfection in trying to provide every child who is now grown up with the perfect childhood that that illusory “perfect childhood” didn't receive. All parents make mistakes in the course of parenting. I've never met an adult who wanted children and who planned to be the worst parent ever. It's always the exact opposite. Every person starting a family begins with the best of intentions, usually to be as good or better than the parenting he or she received. And then life happens, and since we are all flawed beings, we make mistakes in life.

        So if you follow your logic, every adult child should apologize to their parents for not being the perfect child. For occasional mistakes, whatever they may have been.

        If the playing field of relationships is to be on an equal footing, based on mutual respect, then apologies are owed everywhere—if apologies are your thing. Finally, tango includes 2. Show me a parent guilty of this or that, I'll show you a child guilty of this or that. We will both refer to the same family. We are all flawed, imperfect beings, and living a real life is as much about learning to tolerate the imperfections of our lives - which happens to include flawed people, some of whom live in our families, as we must learn to tolerate all other imperfections to tolerate that we encounter.

        Now, if the adult child's complaint relates to physical, sexual, or substance abuse by the parent, I advocate that the adult child draw a line and tell the parent: You are on your own. But again, direct statement of intentions and reasons. Oral or written or both.

      • RobertStrankman

        AListenerAs I said when I first started commenting on this topic, part of my intention was to have a little healthy debate with people who are more opposed to no contact than with the supportive people I've surrounded myself with (and tried to be). I have to thank you for taking part.

        My choice of language on the subject of my own alienation is rather cold and distant. Part of that is the medium. Considering how many alienated parents are on this site, the fact that this site is very easy to find by googling "estranged adult children," and the fact that I try not to blame strangers I do my best to avoid using emotionally charged language. The other reason is that I have the benefit of years of reflection to be able to articulate synonyms for the breakdown of the parent-child relationship. For one thing, we're not talking about "parent-child relationships." We speak of "adult relationships between one person who raised the other." That's a very important difference, because there's a dynamic that changes significantly when someone starts supporting themselves and no longer depends on mom for survival.

        The term "entitled" is used quite frequently by parents on this site and other sites who bemoan the selfishness of the generation blamed for the antagonism. I hate using it, but it seems to be the only thing I want to say: Parents have no right to a relationship with their adult children. When there is a healthy relationship, it is a gift to be cherished, as are all healthy relationships. But having a relationship with one's parents is not a prerequisite for a happy life, nor is it a symbolic attempt to form a relationship with someone who causes unhappiness. Is that the cost of food and clothing as a child? "So I'll make sure you don't starve or freeze to death...but in return I'll be a controlling monster for you when you're 25 and you just have to put up with it!"

        But then why go to the point of alienation? The examples on this page don't tell much of a story, mainly because they come from people who want the relationship and don't understand why they don't have one. Also, we don't exactly have tons of parents and alienated children arguing things over, so we only get one side of the story. I can only speak from my own experience and the experience of the few confident adults I've had the privilege of speaking to with similar stories. And from this side the reasons are given long in advance, they are simply not listened to. "Mother, I really don't like it when you talk about my hair. "Stop giving up my career. I work hard and make a living at it.” Who would tolerate a friend who behaved like this even when asked to stop? Who would tolerate a spouse who is a source of deprecation? These things seem so small, I know, but they are behavioral warnings that are somehow ignored when adult offspring raise them. The mere act of ignoring is one of the most cruel behaviors of all when it comes to denying someone the basic ability to choose how they feel about another's words or actions. This isn't about flaws or imperfections, it's a matter of systemic emotional cruelty. To quote Louis CK, "If you've hurt someone, you can't decide you didn't."

        Worse still, in the case of emotional abuse, there gets to a point where even asking someone to change their behavior becomes an opportunity for more abuse, often in the form of old-fashioned gaslighting. "I really wish you would stop commenting on my weight." "I never said anything about your weight!" If this type of behavior has been present in childhood, giving a reason can actually be dangerous. How do you use words when those words can become the very weapons used to hurt you?

        However, recognizing the impact of personal behavior on others is a type of emotional intelligence that everyone struggles with. That's fine. This is where the apology comes in. You are right that apologies are often meaningless, either through a lack of sincerity or the presence of intentional sincerity. If the alienation has already occurred and the reasons are unknown, no action is available. Not even the right words are available, because what is right is not even clear. An apology is all anyone can do in the beginning. No apology for being an imperfect parent and making mistakes, an apology from one adult to another that says, "I'm willing to admit what I did that hurt you."

        As for your line "Every grown child should apologize for being an imperfect child," apologies and acts of regret are indeed part of growing up. Mistakes are made, learned from, punished as needed, and that in turn creates a human being. Emotionally aware adults have already apologized for their imperfect behavior in their youth. They did this by growing up.

        At the point of alienation, the playing field is not level. At all. There is no sense of mutual respect or understanding. There is no sense of reciprocity. There is a party that wants a relationship and a party that doesn't want a relationship. It's a really cold thing to say. Embracing it is the only way the party that wants the relationship will get one. This isn't about who made mistakes, whose shortcomings were worse. This is about someone saying, "I want a relationship and I'm willing to make reasonable concessions and be wrong about important things until I can fix it." If it takes two to tango, one has to turn on the stereo and let the other lead until they both find the beat.

        I'm speaking from the heart here: I don't care if my mother thinks I'm imperfect. I don't care if she thinks I'm the most selfish person who ever lived. Your opinion of me doesn't matter because it doesn't matter in the life I've created without you. I'm trying to better understand my memory of her as a matter of my own personal growth and as a matter of making me stronger for those I love and who love me back. I have no scruple to submit to her uncanny ability to find any emotional trigger she could find and potentially destroy all the progress I've made on myself in the years since. In fact, I have a stronger moral obligation to protect myself from this situation. The fact that there are people around me who would pick up the pieces if she inevitably broke me apart means they deserve not to have to. Even if they were entitled to any part of me, they are entitled to every part of me.

Ellvicfoy

• way to happiness

  @Ellvicfoy I totally agree with what RobertStrankman commented. This argument wasn't about space heating. You need to get over her teenage ways. It is normal for teenagers to get angry, scold, sometimes be disrespectful and fight with parents. So they learn, grow up, it can be a hormonal growth thing (apart from brain development). And yes, some teenagers are worse than others. The thing is that she is not a teenager now, she sounds like a person who is stressed out, with a young child, with financial problems that can also cause marital problems.

  Learn to let go of some problems, sometimes turn a blind eye to things... some problems just aren't worth the problems. Sometimes the BEST decision a person can make is to do nothing, just agree, or say nothing.

  In regards to talking to your daughter again, you must apologize. Listen to your daughter, go for coffee, go shopping with her (if you have the money), enjoy her and make time for all the fun things that mother and daughter were blessed with. Focus on building a relationship with her...not the choices she's made. Focus on "her" as a beautiful, wonderful person with a great future and be positive. It sounds like she really needs you. ?

• RobertStrankman

  Ellvicfoy That's a tough story, no matter how rare it is these days. But... you asked, "What do I do now?" and as someone who has edited his mother out in a not entirely dissimilar way I can at least give you an idea of ​​where to start.

  The issue that caused your daughter to end your relationship with you was not a space heater issue. You said it yourself, you didn't hear anything but a smart teenager. But she's not a teenager (or if she is, she's mature enough to make it without you). That little disagreement was very likely the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back, a little disagreement that's only exemplary of the larger issues you've had with your children for a long time. There's an unhealthy dynamic that your daughter just decided wasn't worth having.

  What can you do? Well, the best way to go from here is to start with a sincere apology. Not for any specific action—you don't know what you did and you can't do it until she tells you (if she even remembers)—but just because you hurt her. If she answers at all, listen to what she has to say calmly and without prejudice. If she sets a limit, don't cross it. Whether you think she's right or wrong, her feelings about the relationship she has with you are hers and hers to act on.

  Speaking of which, your problems with her are yours too. You decide how you want to proceed with her. I'm just telling you apologize because it seems like you're the one who wants the relationship. If she has something you want, you have to follow her rules to get it. At least until the relationship is strong enough to endure a disagreement. It is up to you to decide what is acceptable behavior on her part. Obviously, counseling together and separately would help expedite the process...or at least give you both some growth and understanding of other relationships should things go wrong and stay that way.

  I really hope that you and your children are doing better.

  • KtotheARMA

    RobertStrankmanEllvicfoy summed it up.

Beck 4131

• dlaharris

  i'm in the same boat I don't want to go to my in-laws for Christmas. They hardly speak to us because they have sided with my daughters. I know my husband is going. I don't know how he'll take it if I refuse to go. I can't have everythingMoreMy loved ones are mad at me, I'm going insane.

• healing heart

  I would not allow her mistakes and behavior to be rewarded by neglecting your relationship with your mother. Believe me, I've lost many great bonding moments with other grateful family members to a dramatic daughter over the years. Now my mom is gone and I wish I hadMoreappreciated my time with her more.

• Ellvicfoy

  Becki 4131 I am very sorry that you have to deal with this during the holidays. I am now a mother of 5 adults and have many problems with them. All I can say is love her and hold on for the ride of your life. Protect yourself. if abusedMorea privilege has consequences. She is young and will test all limits. hold tight..... love her and let her know. but don't give up...tell the son-in-law to mind his own business...

  • Beck 4131

    Thanks and I told him to mind his own business but he threatens me with my grandkids, he tells me if i don't do what they want i can't emotionally blackmail the kids anymore

    • healing heart

      That's not a way of life, I've been there where kids are used as pawns but always say their kids will grow up one day and always remind me how parents behave and the good people they shut out. Better to hold on to your dignity than hold on to itMoreAgony! Even if it means detaching from the wings and living well

    • The writer

      Becki 4131 A person who resorts to emotional blackmail is immature. Just ignore him.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

Broken Mother1

• Carolme

  Brokenmom1 I'm so sorry to hear your story. I've been told so many times that children's brains aren't fully mature until @26. Then add teenage angst and their desire for independence. It can be a real challenge. It is very difficult to break away from the child you have raised. For your own peace of mind and (hopefully) just for now, that sounds like what you might need to do. In these situations, as we all know very well, you don't have many options. My teenage son was absolutely unhappy and even dangerous to me at times. I'm still a bit incredulous that my older daughter cut me off over the last few years. She is 28 and moved to Cali with my 22 year old son. He recently decided that I treat him like a child and have not done anything for him in the last 4 years. Hard to believe when he lived with me and didn't work or go to school for 2 years. I'm sure his sister has a lot of influence. I worried that one or both might have been in that terrible Oakland fire. With only a phone number for my son, I called yesterday and left a message that was partially cut off. When I called back he answered and hung up mid-sentence. At least I know he's alive.

  I cried a river of tears and little things upset me. It's easy to get depressed and I'm usually a very happy person. I try not to isolate myself, but that's not always feasible. I focus on my health and try to take care of myself as much as possible. Doing things for others also helps a lot.

  Hopefully the fact that you have two younger children is a good distraction for you. Please remember, YOU haven't done anything wrong. As good parents, we commit from the start to do our best. A teenage prospect is usually very selfish and is all about her. Try to do small things to make yourself feel better. And continue to love and care for your two little ones as best you can. they need your love Nobody can predict what will happen in the future. Do not give up hope. I'm sure your son knows you are there for him and will realize that he needs you and his family.

  • discarded mom

    CarolmeBrokenmom1 maybe your brain is actually maturing at 46 - I have two daughters who are estranged and both are in their 30s. they are both extremely immature

Spirited lady

• healing heart

  @Spiritual Lady

  Very good advice, feels like my story.

healing heart

Dannedifudo

• MaryCyrDacus

  Don't call. Don't act like that. Send a nice card. Or a nice arrangement to the house.

  You are in control of who hurts you.

  • discarded mom

    Exactly MaryCyrDacus!

• number five minus one

  Dannedifudo

  I'm sorry about your aunt. my condolences I understand why you are afraid. How sad that we have to fear contact with the people in our lives we thought should love us. I hope your contact with your sister and mother went well.

• The writer

  Dannedifudo

  Hello Dan,

  If it's as bad as your second paragraph describes, I don't see why you had to express your "sadness" when you don't feel any. All you feel is fear. Therefore, do not give in to social pressure. Simply ignore. Good luck and take care.

LK

• Mastic8

  @LK Does he only do this to you or you and your siblings? Is it like that with anyone else? Most important of all - did you tell him what you told us? This is your starting point. If he doesn't want to or can't change, tell your siblings and your motherMoreyou will do it - then do it.

• listeners

  @LK I am an estranged parent of 2 adult children of the same general age as you and your brother. Dismiss my views as biased, but in truth I strive to be objective. The short answer is I don't think you should alienate yourself from yoursMoreFather or parents based on what you describe. That means I understand! I don't think you should be a doormat. They deserve and are entitled to your respect. Sometimes we also need to look beneath the surface of other people's actions to try to understand and come to terms with them within ourselves. Why is your father acting like this? Of course I don't know. But there is an answer, and I encourage you to think about it. He gives hints – that's human nature. is he a happy person If not, that's a big clue right there. I suspect he's not a happy person. Could he be jealous of you? You sound like a successful person, and he wouldn't be the first parent to react negatively to a successful child and feel "shown" because he or she sees himself as a failure. Let's not assume I have that right, just for discussion. Of course, it is wrong for parents to be negative about a child's achievements in life. It's twisted. Irrational. We should celebrate our children's success in life. But many of us are clunky, imperfect beings with our own psychological stuff that we bring to the family table of parenting. And if you're able to see your father as that imperfect, flawed, low-self-esteem person who's basically unhappy, well, now you know that's what's in your hands, and you can lead to resigned acceptance (after all, he's not likely to change). Leaving such a person isolated from everyone in society is punishment for their mistakes, but is that what you want to do? Compassion has a power and I hope you find it in you to feel some compassion to understand that you were born to a flawed parent. But distancing oneself - I see that very differently than alienation, which I interpret as complete cutting off. I'm all for social distancing, minimizing interactions, etc. You need to live your life and be everything you can be in your own life, full of all the experiences and joys you're allowed to have. Walk! Do it. Break free from the shackles of an awkward, overbearing father who won't celebrate your achievements with you because of the stuff that's going on between his two ears. But don't alienate yourself. You can check in every now and then, express love from a safe distance and basically keep in touch by visiting the family home every now and then. And if dad is being awkward towards you, you can always keep your visits short or your phone calls short and keep your emotions in check. This is how you develop new habits of self and take control of the relationship in a way that you are comfortable with. It's far, far less than alienation. That's friendly. And it's fair. much luck!!

• number five minus one

  @LK

  Hypothetically, I think a grown son should tell his father how he feels. Leave the ball in its court. The father really needs to hear how his words hurt. If he blows that away, then I think the best thing is to create distance. By the way, I'm really touched that you consider your mother's and younger sibling's feelings. You sound like a very caring person.

Rachel

• number five minus one

  @Rachael

  sorry rachael I hope your visit went well. Your son is very young and I wonder if the thought of paying for college overwhelms him.

SMC

mojo

• dlaharris

  Heartfelt condolences. I can't imagine one of my children dying before me. I pray for all of us parents who lack contact with our children.

• Party C

  @mojo

  It doesn't matter why your daughter decided to break up with you, it's still a shame that she is doing so. I have a situation with my 3 children. One is controlled by a friend who decided from the first few months that he didn't like us and hasn't spoken to us since or even been around on vacation. My daughter lives a few blocks from me and has my only grandchild that I get to see once a week for babysitting and on vacations. This daughter chose this friend over her family. She also stays away from the extended family. This put a lot of strain on our family and other siblings. They love their sister and when they come to town they don't tell us and stay over this daughter's house. We are excluded and feel like outcasts. This is such a sad time in our lives and we should be reaping the rewards of raising good children, but we are not. I cry a lot and try to be happy, but this confronts me every day with our broken relationships. I'm 63 now and I want to live out my retirement in peace and happiness and I can't seem to. I'm going to therapy and it has helped, but I'm still deeply saddened. I love my children very much and I want to spend time with them. I want a relationship with you and know what is going on in your life. I pray that one day that will change and they realize we won't be here forever. Before it is too late.

• Live2bnana

  @mojo I'm sorry for the loss of your son and for the loss of your current situation. You have suffered many losses over the years and I have lost sympathy for your family's comment. My daughter who is 32 and has a little girl (6) and a boy (2) has severed all ties with me. To the point where she severed all ties with anyone who had anything to do with me. My 81 year old mother received a letter telling her that my daughter could not communicate with her because I was using my mother to get to her. She changes her phone number email address

  And block all social media and recently quit long term jobs and moved to another state. One of her favorite teases was that I didn't back down and research or find a way to contact her. You, my daughter, am I just losing all contact and don't even know where she is? So I did some research and I know the city and state she is in, but I have not contacted her or let her know that I know where she is. I've made the decision to back off and not contact her as hard as it is. The hardest thing, as you said, is that not only do I miss my daughter, but I also miss my grandchildren. It's a very empty feeling in family time not having a family.

  • Party C

    Live2bnana

    I am so sorry, you are not alone. We have difficult times when families are far away and separated. No contact. I had no contact with my daughter for 6 months. Very sad. Hold on and pray.

• Rachel

  @mojo I feel sorry for you. I hope she comes back to you.

FIG jam

purple lace

• discarded mom

  @violetlace it's all you can do. I have two estranged daughters and I refuse to be their living doormat any longer. They spat out lies about me to others. They have written public blogs that also list endless lies and fabricated insults to gain sympathy. There isMoreno reason to expose ourselves to this garbage another day. I don't believe in writing letters and sending cards every month, as the author suggests...this is perceived by the alienated as submissive and makes us look weak and pathetic. They laugh about it and I'm tired of giving them a reason to laugh. No, on the contrary, I'll take care of myself and do the things I've been holding back just in case they come back. Forget it. it's not worth the trouble. Take care!

• Mastic8

  @violetlaceYou are doing the right thing. You deserve an explanation. Until you know what's wrong, you can't fix it or try to explain it. Live your life and live it well. When he comes back, demand an apology and an explanation of what he did before you make up your mindMoreto accept him again. Let him know what he did was unacceptable and you are not a doormat. Now get out there and experience the hell of life so when he comes back you can catch up on what he missed.

• lcjantzi

  violet lace,

  I did it just like you. I have three adult children. I know the relief it brought me not to continue the contact. I don't know about you, but it seemed to me that with every contact (birthday, holiday, etc.) I felt like I was just toying with their intentions to make me feel more rejected and maybe to validate that I loved their relationship needed more than she did mine. I was angry too, but my anger subsided greatly when I decided to stop contacting her. I think I was angry at myself for letting myself be treated so unlovingly, even disrespectfully. I now believe what has come to light in me is that after refusing to communicate with me for two and a half years, they must know the reality of alienating me as their mother. Although it saddens me, they need to realize what it's really like to live without your mother. As I think of them, usually first thing in the morning, I pray that they will come to the truth and be loving and respectful again. Yes, like you, Violetlace, you need to get in touch with me.

  • TX_Ang

    lcjantzi I go through the same feelings when I'm rejected and disrespected as a parent. I mourn daily the loss of my daughter who is very much alive and expecting her first child. One morning I woke up happy because I dreamed that we were laughing and joking together as usual, and the joy quickly turned to sadness and anger.

    I'm really tired of being this pathetic wimp, it's not in my nature.

    • Never get

      So sad that I too had great times laughing with my only child, my beloved daughter. Over 2 1/2 years no response from her and my grade son is 2 1/2. I've begged, pleaded, apologized, cried and thought of her countless timesMoreDay. I am a widow who has struggled since my husband died when I was 46 13 years ago. My daughter was my life! I lost them both and am struggling to get through life as I never dreamed life would turn out this way. How can your only child who was loved (and yes we didn't always agree but my love and pain from her ran deep) turn her back on her mother. I prided myself on being a great mom, but after my husband died and my daughter dropped out of college, I was treading water, and yet I don't think she understood how scary my world was becoming. I have a heavy heart for all the times I missed being with her and my grandson (the one from pictures through the family he is adorable) I was not recognized or received pictures, correspondence, understanding of forgiveness. And yet I begged her to come back into my life. Without her I will never be whole again. She never checked me once. I know I don't have vacations, sometimes little food around the house, was recently attacked by a family member and have a concussion and have been on other medical matters or out of a job. My best time of my life was raising her and now nothing. Just so hurt and disappointed. Yes, her husband doesn't like me. And was disrespectful to me, but I apologized for my part, but he hates me. But I stand by that. if he loved her, he would at least encourage my daughter to see me. I just don't know if I'll ever be in her life again or if I'll ever see my grandson. It hurts me to the core. I missed so much with my grandson from the fun things I did with my daughter. She's intelligent and a high school counselor so I don't get it and never will as long as I live. I miss her so much she aged me I'm sure. But Ivan dies knowing that I've tried so hard to reunite with her, but unfortunately it doesn't take away my daily pain. I love and miss her very much. I pray all the time Sorry for so long but heartbroken in many ways.

      • healing heart

        @nverwillgetit

        Hold on, it's a long time and my heart goes out to you. It's time to dust yourself off, take a different approach and survive this trap, stop begging or chasing yourself. That's part of the problem, find meaning in life...before her you were you...I'm sure your husband would want you to live on...get some help to get you out of this rut. The loss of your daughter, your gain to enjoy what God has given you... give that love you can't give to your grandson to other children who need attention through volunteering.

    • lcjantzi

      An: TX_Ang

      Thank you for your empathy. It felt good to receive at this time of year. I'll share this: As the holidays roll around I'm more triggered than usual, but it's been almost 3 years. and my sadness and sadness that have changed to anger, depression, sadness and now I seem to see things more objectively. Time, a little therapy, prayer finds me becoming less and less entangled with them and becoming more and more my true self.

      As an adult observing three other adults, I am content with the fact that they have to learn some things without me and there is no guarantee that they will. However, this helps me resist anticipating and making up scenarios in my head. I just accept their decisions, I've given up defending myself and accept that things may not go the way I want them to.

      I live a two day drive from them and that helps a little. But I have a family that I see from time to time who take advantage of my situation to try to hurt me. My eldest keeps in touch with them.

      So thank you again for your empathy, TX_Ang. This isn't easy to navigate, but I want to be sure I'm getting as much good out of this heartbreaking situation as possible. I trust and rest in this place...

    • Broken Mother1

      Omg I feel the same way! Sad pathetic wimp ha! How the kids can paralyze us from start to finish?!

• NL mother

  @violetlace Very similar to my situation Violtetlace. The big difference is that I can't leave my son behind even if he wanted to. I can't risk being hurt again.

Missed my daughters

Heartbroken Mom

• lcjantzi

  Dear heartbroken mom,

  It must be painful being apart from your son when it seems like he needs you the most. I am saddened by the way he "criticised" you in his letters. Gosh, of course there was a grain of truth, but can't he understand the overall love you had for him? These adult children do not seem to be able to deduce this from their experience with us as their parents. I keep reading that here. I hope his sanity improves and that he turns to you and realizes the love he missed that is there waiting/longing for his return. . .

TX_Ang

• Injured twice

  TX_Ang

  I'm so sorry you have to go through this too. My 36 year old daughter has been estranged from us for the past 13 years in the middle of winter right after Christmas that fateful year 13 years ago...during that time I fell into a deep depression for 6 years then I started again live, in those years she finished her university in psychology, got married, bought a house, had my only grandchild that I will ever have, she is 2 now and I haven't even met her it was really hard for her never brought her friends home, they were all doctor kids, wealthy, so we feel she was ashamed of us. She stayed in her university town and built a life without her parents. I had three children, 2 girls and a boy as a baby. My son tragically died in a drowning accident 3 years ago, he was missing for a week before his body was recovered, he was only 26. My eldest daughter had also broken up with him, they were estranged from him for more than 3 years has passed. Here's my middle daughter who absolutely adores her eldest sister, she can't be herself it seems around her older sister and she's been caught in the middle more than once so now I'm trying not to let that happen , but it's hard as she takes her sister's side in the sense that she's entitled to keep the family apart and that's what I have a problem with...did I mention my estranged daughter's husband (whom I never met) died of cancer a month ago, he was 37....now she has also stopped all contact with the mother in law, the other grandmother, according to my little daughter....has in her will she leaves custody of her daughter to friends, and knowing that we both have big families, she didn't even give custody to the only family member, my daughter, because she knows we would get to know her.....because of de s loss of my son, my heart literally broke twice....... I'm trying to rebuild my life. I am very fortunate to have my husband by my side as we are currently celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. Sometimes it's good to just walk away and the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and move on.

  • TX_Ang

    Hurt twice Thank you for your thoughts and the struggle you are living with especially the loss of your son I am so sorry. I get the feeling she's deeply ashamed of us and our lifestyle, although she didn't mind when she was a part of it.MoreNow she just turned her back on us and our friends because we're not good enough to care about her. I do my best to live and move on from day to day, but sometimes emotions just take over and I have to go to the bathroom to scream it out.

• healing heart

  @Tx Ang I feel really bad about your fight and hope you are doing much better than your original post. I am also Hispanic, married to a white man, have one daughter but two grandchildren later. On the other end of the spectrum, the strong bond with 9-year-old grandson and love didn't come that close in a year. They moved far away and she interrupted me. She went with her non-celebrity boyfriend and since then she hasn't once said I don't want you in my life. She just doesn't answer, she slowly stopped letting us talk to our grandchildren.

  So my point, the relationship can be a slow death on a grand scale because with mine I had memories or if she had told me nine years ago I wouldn't have to be hurt by something I only dreamed of ((a being an involved grandparent).It's not a one-way street, it will be her loss.You also see that my mother died last year, so you don't have that either.

  How do I get through there? Take it one day at a time, pray hard, play harder, surround me with loved ones, shout it out when need be, but don't wallow in it and just be thankful for all I have. Whatever you or your spouse did, it wasn't perfect, if there is a change then enjoy and enjoy each other. Life is too short, your daughter will need her space. Most importantly, by leaving my daughter alone because the constant attempts to seek her out is not worth my sanity or my health, I have learned to look at my own mistakes and forgive my shortcomings. One day my grandson will be a man she will be to answer why he was cut off and the reason will not make sense when it comes to the love we had for each other! Pay attention, exercise, pray, and things will get easier with or without this deficiency in your life.

  • TX_Ang

    Healing Heart Thank you for sharing your story and kind words of encouragement. I got better and refocused on improving myself, hoping to impress my daughter enough to accept me. She recently posted a picture of herself on Facebook when she was in 6.1/2. Months pregnant and she looks just so radiant and beautiful and I felt so tormented that I can't see her or hug her or share the experience with her since we shared almost everything before. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face because just as I was beginning to heal, the wound was reopened. She also posted a message yesterday that read "to the ladies who have been invited to my baby shower" asking for a phone number or something. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I just don't understand how she can text or call me several times a day and treat me like I don't exist. I feel like I have to be the most horrible piece of garbage and apology for a human being. Even though to this day there is nothing in the world that my husband and I wouldn't do for her.

    When she first told us about her pregnancy I went out and bought her a $200 blender to make smoothies when she said she wanted to start eating smoothies every day but didn't own a blender. I also got her a nice pregnancy pillow as she said she was having trouble sleeping because she was having trouble getting comfortable. I got her transitional clothes for work and also bought some baby clothes.

    We even got into debt and bought a nicer car that would fit a child seat, although that may never happen now. I have a few bins full of baby clothes and stuff for a baby I may never meet. Last week I sent her a package with all her mail that comes to our house including 3 copies of the parenting magazine I ordered for her as I probably won't be able to at her apartment which is only 5 minutes from my work am more welcome. She texted me on Friday to say thank you for sending her mail and that she would be moving in November and would let me know her new address. I was ecstatic when I got her message and thinking about all the things I wanted to say to her but didn't really want to text her, so I just said, 'Wow, that's awesome! I know." I now feel like I missed an opportunity to say something else because I was hoping we'd at least text again. I haven't heard from her again, but I want to ask her so badly for not taking the opportunity to be a part of my grandson's birth and life.

    Like you healing heart, I cry out loud when I'm alone and put a smile on my face for everyone else and live my life while still carrying all this pain and sadness in my heart. I'm grateful to have a mother of my own, although our relationship has always been a bit distant, but at least we talk on the phone about every week or so.

    • healing heart

      @tx ang

      Hold on, it sounds like there's hope when she gives you her address. Remind yourself that you are a great woman and an even better mom than most. Take care and best regards.

• The writer

  TX_Ang

  "It seems she's embarrassed about who we are, as well as our family and friends. I am Hispanic and her father is White, as is my current husband, and her husband is also White but from a more prominent family with a much higher income than ours. We're just comfortable and living far below our means, so we don't drive brand new fancy cars or have a huge house. Another point of contention for her is that my husband is on a motorcycle club, which she views negatively."

  This seems to be the "disease" that afflicts Gen-Y in particular, this need to compare their own family to that of their spouse. Why do many Generation Y young adults who marry spouses from wealthy backgrounds feel ashamed of their parents in most cases? I wonder where they learned to be so snobbish and disrespect people who worked hard to raise them with a good education etc. Or could it be a simple case of inferiority complex?

  So she also suffers from this white superiority complex. If that's the case then she must despise me too LO L bcs I'm Chinese so yellow and certainly not white haha ​​but it makes no difference to me bcs while I know the white man's language how many white people speak my language? I can come here to speak out, but can many white people go to Chinese language websites to speak out?

  Seems like your daughter is a snob but is unaware that she is so fret not. Give her time and space to grow up. Good luck, grandma-to-be.

  • TX_Ang

    The ScribeTX_Ang Thank you for your comment and for pointing out what I missed, my daughter being a snob. Everything I've ever done was my best as a single mom, although I know I made some mistakes along the way and I still live with constant guiltMorethat her childhood was far from ideal. She's always been the type to care what other people think while I don't, especially when it comes to keeping up with the Joneses. We have never met her boyfriend's parents and they have been together for 2 1/2 years. So yes, she is ashamed of us and that makes me very sad and hurt. I worry that the time and space she needs to grow up will never come and I will never see my grandson.

    • The writer

      TX_AngThe scribe

      Hello Ang. Could you also be Chinese besides being Hispanic? Judging by your last name, bcs Ang is a Chinese last name. It can also be Wang or Ong etc. Need to see the chinese script as the english ones are all spelled differently but it makes no difference as only the chinese script is important in a chinese name. The meaning of your name (not your surname) is very important because, according to feng shui, it can affect your future life.

      i understand your worries Being cut off from grandchildren is an unforgivable act of children viewed from the perspective of filial piety. A child who is unchildlike to his elders will not deserve the blessings of heaven. It's sad not to see our own grandchildren grow up. Whatever, what parent has never made a mistake or not done the best they can? The fault is not entirely yours. All you can do is pray. She may still be moved to see her own stubbornness. All the best.

      • TX_Ang

        The ScribeNo Chinese I know, my full first name is Angela which is Angel in Spanish. However, I am fascinated by the principles of feng shui. Thank you for your kind words and understanding, I had a very bad day yesterday and shed many tears at the loss of what is to come, meaning my unborn grandson. I feel like I'm in a grieving process, like someone who has died. I've been through so many emotions that I just don't understand why I'm being punished for looking forward to my daughter's first pregnancy and wanting to do something special for her. Apparently I'm kind of in denial that she just doesn't like me and probably never has.

        Reading all the other posts here was helpful at times and also very sad and annoying. Some of the stories that describe years of alienation in some families really scare me. My situation has only been 3 weeks and I am a mess....

      • The writer

        TX_AngThe Scribe Oh I see. Ang stands for Angela.

        You don't have to worry about having a very bad day. It's normal to feel very down or very happy. It will take time to come to terms with such an unfortunate life event. It's only been 3 weeks so you're still grieving. Everyone grieves differently. Some life events hurt some people more than others.

        Feng Shui means wind and water. Feng = wind, Shui = water. The Chinese believe in the 5 elements that form the basis of feng shui principles - earth, wood, water, fire, metal. There is so much to say about these 5 elements alone. An imbalance in the nature of things can lead to many life events, including child alienation. I do not know. Some people call it superstition LOL but I really believe in the importance of feng shui as man has to live in harmony with his environment as he is a part of it.

• Mel

  TX_Ang She seems upset that you haven't taken her seriously in the past. If she understands that you would like to be part of her family, she will try to accept it. I think she is embarrassed by her family's behavior and would like her family to be embarrassedMoreShe. From what you describe, she seems ashamed of her family. You can send a message to let her mother know that you would like to spend time with your daughter because you love her. I think when she is old enough to decide who to include in her life.

vecanto

• mmof4boyz

  @vecanto I've been in the same boat for four months now. Family is the most important thing in my life. I've spent my life raising my four sons and now I feel like the saying "A daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is oneMoreSon until he takes a wife" is unfortunately a very accurate statement. Seems like it's always the wives and the wives' families. As a mother-in-law I've felt left out since day 1, but four months ago my son and I had Words and he won't speak to me anymore, won't answer my texts or calls and what hurts the most is that he took my two beautiful granddaughters away from me. I'm not allowed to see them. It broke my heart. I'm severely depressed. My life feels like it's over He actually used the word punishment for me He said he would punish me by not allowing me to see the girls Who does that to a mother who has never had anything else has done than to support and love her family?

• Injured twice

  It seems this is a pattern of today's generation it seems to me...they can't handle things or disagree or get hurt and their way of retaliating is cut off from parents I thought I was alone in my pain but from reading everyone's posts it seems soMorebe a generational attitude. We never did that to our parents, never thought of cutting off our parents...

  • mmof4boyz

    Doubly painful Exactly! They are a generation of entitlements and we would never have considered disrespecting our parents, let alone cutting them off. It's a sad generation and I feel sorry for their children because they have no heart.

• SatoriBleu

  My daughter stopped talking to me two years ago. She has responded very little to my contacting her. From reading the forums and books on alienation... I think it's a cruel thing they choose. I hardly ever argued with my daughter and I supported herMorethem in many ways. I cried a lot the first year. Then I realized that it was her choice and that I didn't deserve it. I still wish it wasn't, but by acknowledging that I have no control over her, I could say that I did my best, I'm a good mom. do the same. Pray for a reunion each day and then remind yourself that this is not your choice. Send loving texts here and there. The community of injured parents is thinking of you. Be strong and live on lovingly and with dignity. Keep being an example of what love looks like. Blessings sent to you.

• The writer

  @vecanto Your son/wife must be Y gene. I've been told that gen-y is very ungrateful, takes things for granted and has a strong sense of entitlement. From personal observation, such a belief appears to be true, so don't feel so offended. Many think their parents' victims are nothing andMoreshould come with the status quo. Let's see if they will go the extra thousand miles for their kids.

• NL mother

  @vecanto I am sorry to hear about the behavior of your son Vecanto. I feel the same as you. I wish there were a few words I could say to make you feel better. But people get it, many, many parents are going through what you are going through.

Carolme

• NL mother

  Carolme reading your story was heartbreaking. I am so sorry to hear about your issues with your daughter. My ex was also very good at parental estrangement, now I have no relationship at all with my older son. I, like you, did everything I could to try and "fix" things.Moreand bent over backwards to do everything I could for my son, but nothing worked. You are not alone, there are far too many parents in the same situation as you. I also sought a counselor and things are getting better. The biggest stumbling block for me right now is being angry, and no matter how hard I try, it takes me a long time to try to get through this stage. I hope better for you

daisy

• number five minus one

  @Daisy Hello daisy. I understand why you want your parents to disown your brother. They are tired of seeing her hurt and may believe that cutting off contact will prevent further hurt for her. But I think it might be more complicated for them. You already know how he isMoreand that he will continue to hurt her feelings. They seem to have accepted that. It can be a lot worse on her mind cutting him off and never knowing if he and your nephew are dead or alive. It can create anxiety worse than what they are going through. I hope that makes sense. I think your parents are blessed to have you in their lives and it can bring them more comfort than you will ever know that you care for them so much.

  • daisy

    number five minus one

    Thank you for your reply. I think they accepted him for who he is. I will always be the daughter that gives you enough love and support for me and my brother. Even if I live a lot further away from them than he does. Take care, daisy

  • NL mother

    numberfiveminusone Great answer!

    Daisy, I feel for you and your parents. I have a brother who joined the Navy as a teenager and then settled hundreds of miles from my parents. He had very little contact with my parents over the years, they accepted it. I just think he's built differently than me or my sister. He seems to mostly care about himself and I don't think he even knows or understands how he hurt anyone. Maybe your brother is like that?

    • daisy

      NL mother number five minus one

      Hello, I think you're right I think he's built differently and doesn't understand that he didn't hurt anyone. However, I don't justify his behavior and I still wonder how he can do that.

  • The writer

    numberfiveminusone thumbs up for your answer.

    To Daisy - just ignore that so-called brother of yours but try not to run over him with your parents as it might cause them more pain. A terrible child is still a child. You won't feel it because he's not your child. Try to imagine how you would feel if someone told you to reject your own child. It's like being asked to cut off an arm or a leg. The same goes for them if you ask them to.

    Hope what I wrote is not offensive. You asked for suggestions. All the best.

    • daisy

      The clerk number five minus one

      Hello, it's really easy for me to ignore him. I don't even call him my brother when I talk to people I call him my parents' son. I only called him my brother in this post to make it clear that unfortunately I am biologically related to him.

      I'm not really asking my parents to cast him out, I just wish they would. It's really hard not to run over him in front of them and I know I have to work on that. Thanks for your reply, wasn't offensive

Misty9

• healing heart

  @misdy9

  How do you say "no more abuse" and keep the door open? Seems like that's the answer, hold the door closed sign...open the door and enter as this is a no abuse zone. In other words, the relationship should be one of mutual respect, no exceptions!

• wanderingone

  @Misdy9 She used to mock me and yell in my face as a kid

• NL mother

  @Misdy9 It's hard, I stopped contacting my son 8 months ago and haven't heard from him since. I tried to contact him but he wasn't interested. I had to disconnect and move on, it was the hardest thing I've ever done but IMorehad to do it for my own peace of mind. He had my heart on a string and kept throwing it around, my whole life has been a mess and nothing I did seemed to make a difference. I had to cut ties and rebuild my life. It's not perfect, but it's getting better every day.

Mel

• healing heart

  @Mel. It's ironic how sometimes the cards are turned when grown children are trying and wanting that bond, but it's the parents who are dysfunctional. It will only make you a far better parent than they were. I too grew up in chaos, butMoreMy mother redeemed herself when I was an adult so I was blessed. I did my best no abuse but I screamed for which I apologized and changed when she was a teenager but now she is estranged. All we can do is move on and stay strong.

• The writer

  @Mel Why are some families so dysfunctional? It's because some parents are NOT cut out to be parents.

  • Mel

    The Writer I've been fortunate to get a few opportunities around the world to see what types of families are healthy. They treated each other kindly and there was no constant war in these households. I am thankful every day that I was able to experience them. to bring children inMorethe world is a big responsibility. Life is inspiring, children should experience that. When I have children in the future, I want them to be proud of who they are and feel loved. Your thoughts and feelings are valuable because they make life meaningful. I wish I had at least learned that from my parents. I saw you responded to others in the comments and I think you gave some valuable advice. I came to this article because I was looking for a reason to go back to my parents and see if now would be a good time. I'll wait until I'm emotionally stable enough to deal with this because right now I'm going through a delicate moment in my life. I was just beginning to understand myself.

    • The writer

      @MelDer writer

      Mel, thanks for your answer. I am an observer and I sympathize. I'm not going through this alienation thing personally, but my close relatives are, and I'm kind of caught up in their predicament.

      I see your sincerity in wanting to go back to your parents. It's good to know that despite everything, you still love her. Take your time, calm down, and take a step when you feel emotionally and mentally ready.

      What you wrote about children: “If I have children in the future, I want them to be proud of who they are and to feel loved. Your thoughts and feelings are valuable because they make life meaningful. I wish I had at least learned that from my parents." This is so true. This is so enlightening. If I had known this, I wouldn't have made my fair share of mistakes they were raised in the traditional Chinese way so there is very little worry about alienation but one can't be too careful.My close relatives raised their children the same way but two of their daughters are heading in this frightening direction.One of them is slowly coming back, so everyone in my large extended family hopes that the other daughter will be made to reconsider her rude actions and attitudes.

Maggie

• number five minus one

  @Maggie Oh Maggie, those "few days" are bad days, aren't they? I wish you peace, better health and glad you have your husband and younger boys. Stay strong Maggie, your family is counting on you.

• The writer

  @Maggie Hello my dear Maggie,

  What you wrote made me very sad. The callous way your daughter treats you shows that she is a callous person. How could she blame you for the accident and your current state of health? Nobody asks about such health problems.

  Your family will not be better off without you as you have a 9 year old child and a good husband. You'll be better off without these unworthy children. All the best and know that the community is here for you.

Missing bill

• number five minus one

  @Missbill

  I'm glad you took a step to feel better about yourself, even if some people in your life didn't get it. I understand why you would be offended by someone who says you need to "get better" in order for you and Bill to have a relationship that is stronger if he chooses to have a relationship with you. If there hasn't been abuse I don't see how a family member has to be in a strong position to be loved by other family members. That's what makes family so special - they love us despite our flaws. It's heartbreaking but I see you (in my mind) in a tuxedo as you greet your family friends who pay homage to the loss of Bill and your grief. I wish you peace my friend.

• The writer

  @Missingbill Wow, so you went through it. I dont know what to think. I don't think that kind of taboo ritual should be performed.

  You could just keep thinking that you only have one child. Habitual behavior/thoughts will soon become second nature to you and one day you will forget that estranged son. He does not deserve you. Anyway, what's done is done, so all the best to you.

  • Aliceta72

    Wow, I know how you must have felt having a funeral for your Bill. I was there with my daughter. Recently I said that in order to move on I must bury her and mourn the loss. I was looked at as if I was a bit morbidMorefreak I know what I'm feeling and how debilitating the pain was. To move forward, I must mourn the loss. No one can blame you, you did what you felt was necessary to cope with such a great loss. My only advice is to build your relationship with your remaining child based on your experiences with them and make Bill jealous. If you do that, it's all about Bill, you're a strong soul, and you'll have your moment with Bill one day, to clear the air or not. After everything that's happened, you may realize that you don't want to open old wounds. It takes a lot of work both mentally and physically to process a loss like this. No matter what you choose, know that you are a survivor and that you are needed and loved by your survivor. I pray that you will continue to move forward and remember not to blame yourself. I too struggle with blaming myself or thinking about what I could have done differently. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • Missing bill

      Yes, a funeral. I wore a black dress, not a tuxedo. I chose my other handsome son and his wife as pallbearers. They carried a box full of things Bill had left behind which they lowered into the ground and buried. I am a good role model for my grandchildren,Moreit teaches them what to do when people leave.

      • healing heart

        Very creative, it is a grieving process having an alienated child and sometimes best for sanity to perform such rituals as it helps one cope and move on with one's own life. In time, I might do a mental exercise like this, if that's the caseMorebecomes too much to hold on to any longer.

Debbielg725752016

M155P

• Aliceta72

  I cried reading this mostly for myself. You have incredible inner strength. I know how difficult and painful that must be. My 22 year old daughter has been estranged for 3 months. I found this site last night looking for help and courage in my own troubles and came across your story.MoreI admire your courage and strength and wish you peace.

• NL mother

  @M155P I hope you find the closure. It's so hard to find. I have tried everything to have a relationship with my son and I am working on accepting that he is not in my life. Though you're still in pain, I admire your ability to peckMoreget up and keep going. Good for you!

• Leftnlonely

  M155P wow. That's pretty much the story. It made me cry for you

  My son did the same with a marriage. He's been married for months and I haven't heard from him since he got married. It all hurts so much All you can do is try again like you said. I will not get this chance because he has blocked me at every corner and I have no way to contact him. And he lives 3500 miles away now. We were best friends his whole life, we traveled together and had great times and lots of laughs. I know how you feel. I can't do anything to help you, but I understand you and I know your pain and I feel your emptiness. I support you and I will be there. Leftnlonely

Debbielg725752016

Money

• The writer

  @Money

  I'm sure the parents here on this site will see your P.O.V. to be able to see. as a child. You can still talk to her Moni. She's your mother, after all, so why take the warpath?

  She's angry for some reason. Get someone you trust and respect as a matchmaker. Old people only need respect and kindness. Once these two "ingredients" are available, it all falls together.

  It's like cooking rice porridge (we Chinese eat a lot of rice porridge even though we don't live in China). All you need is rice and salt, or just rice if you're cooking plain porridge, but if you want to add other ingredients, you'll need salt too. I hope my analogy makes sense to you and doesn't make you angrier than you already are. Don't waste the ONE mother you have.

  • adult child of narcissists

    The writer "She's your mother, after all."

    Please stop. Parents can be abusive, and it's shocking that you would react in this way to someone who is openly molested by their parents.

    Adult children usually do not go contactless without a reason without drugs or mental illness. It took me years to finally love and respect myself enough to tell my parents that they no longer welcomed the privilege of being a part of my life. I've never been happier - and they go around the internet complaining that they have "no idea why" when that's far from the truth.

    The one mother we have may not be a good person. If your parents treated you badly, as is so clearly the case with @Moni, why on earth should we be expected to put up with the abuse?

NL mother

• healing heart

  Sometimes we have to accept that they will never have the courage to say why, maybe it has nothing to do with the parents but rather what the adult child is fighting in their own mind. But you're right, we can't go through life beating ourselves up trying to figure it out... and if we're lucky, one day they'll tell us... it was the thing with you that just pushed me away or me I went through this and didn't want you to judge or witness my struggle. Maybe they don't tell us why because part of them doesn't want us to give up on them in case they need us or suffer for what they think we deserve. I guess it all depends on what childhood they had. Who knows...so many factors, so little time in life, can't shove a relationship on anyone.

  It's a struggle to let go of our children now that they're adults, but it's part of the process if it's just a one-sided effort.

• Leftnlonely

  Lefynlonely, I've adopted a new attitude myself. I can't change what happened. It's so much negativity and heartbreak that I decided to do the best I could. If I thought I was doing something wrong I would have changed it, butMorenot me. I'm stressing myself out so much, it's not good. I have to let it go and hope for the best or it will destroy me.

  • The writer

    Leftnlonely That's good, lady. I'm glad to hear you've moved on and decided to start a new life. Only you can make it positive for you. We can only sympathize and advise.

    Since there's nothing you can do, you might as well get over the grief and start living. Continuing to grieve is NOT worth the suffering as your son will not care at all. You will waste your emotional energy and your life. You've done your duty with him, so let it be. Many parents can't imagine what they did wrong because of the many years that have passed. When adult children choose to be petty, there is nothing parents can do. They think they are entitled to it, but their parents are not entitled to their kindness and respect.

    By the way, lady, where on earth are you? I think I'm the only one in the East. I'm an overseas Chinese, which means I was born outside of China. I live in one of the Southeast Asian countries which is sunny almost every day except during the monsoon season when it rains a lot. As we are very close to the equator there is only one season throughout the year so it is always summer which is hot and humid. The only respite is when it rains or when we run to the mountains.

    • Leftnlonely

      I'm on the east coast of the USA. Thank you very much to hear from you. Wow, I never thought this would be so broad. I enjoy your advice and lust for things you say to try to make my life better. You're aMorevery pushy person and seems to have many life experiences that have helped me. I always look forward to hearing from you, lefynlonely. I don't feel so lonely anymore but I still wonder.

      • The writer

        Leftnlonely Wow, US East Coast. It's very far from me. I have a sister-in-law and family living in New Jersey, but I've never been to the States. When I think about the long flight across the Pacific Ocean to visit the US I give up LOL.

        Thank you for your nice words. I don't know much but I can imagine how you are feeling and whatever comfort I can offer you, I will and am glad that what I am writing is making you feel better. We all go through this journey called life together, no matter where we are. So if free words can help people feel less lonely, then we should offer some as a form of prayer.

        I'm touched by the last two words in your last sentence "...but I'm still wondering." You're still looking for the answer, lady. just be patient

      • Leftnlonely

        To the scribe. I'm a few miles away from new jerseys. I only flew to Hawaii and that's 13 hours. This is my limit. We can help from anywhere in the world. Everyone has some problem and helps when we canMoreCan't be bad no matter how far away we are. It's nice to have support and to be supportive. your friend Leftnlonely.

RobertStrankman

• relic

  RobertStrankman I won't reply to the others because I feel it would be a waste of my time. But I'm sorry to see you came here, bravely spoke your piece and only got devalued again. The truth is that the people who answer come from two groups: A) people who deny that they ever abused their children themselves, b) people who had sensible parents who were able to handle their problems solve, so why shouldn't you?

  The thing is, they might be partially right. Your mother may love you, but love is not enough. Especially not when it's love like this. I think Neil Gaiman said quite eloquently:

  “It was true: the other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money or a dragon loves his gold. In the beady eyes of the other mother, Coraline knew she was a possession, nothing more. A tolerated pet whose behavior was no longer amusing.”

  ? http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1221698.Neil_Gaiman, http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2834844

  • The writer

    ReliktRobertStrankman

    Neil Gaiman is INSIGHT.

• Debbielg725752016

  Do you invalidate their feelings?

• keithdhendrickson

  RobertStrankman Thanks for sharing your story Robert. I understand what you're going through and it's awful to live with. To me, forgiveness is easy, like meeting a bully who beat you up 20 years ago only to realize he's a complete human beingMoreother person and they are sorry for the pain they caused you. I could forgive immediately, but only if I knew the person was willing to change. But the reality is, some people never change.

• The writer

  RobertStrankman

  Tempus fugid, Robert. In no time it can be 20 years and then you wonder where the time went.

  Your mother would grow old and she would die one day. Why hold so much grudge? Why can't you discuss things with someone you respect as a mediator? Once she dies you will never have the opportunity to talk about it and you will lose the opportunity to show your care. I hope you will not live to see your extreme lack of charity.

  • RobertStrankman

    The WriterRobertStrankman This really intrigues me. They assume I care enough to talk about it, or that I do care. I don't count both. I ignore that her history of emotional abuse would make me extraordinarily hesitant to put myself out there — remember, this woman made it a point to tell me at almost every step that my feelings were “wrong” — what do I have to win? What does she have to offer me as an adult?

    To be clear, one of the reasons the estrangement was so unrelentingly easy is that despite the emotional damage I suffered, I don't like it. As a person. I don't like her hobbies, I don't like the movies or TV she watches, I don't like the books she reads. There is a notable lack of anyone in my life who shares more than an interest or two with her. If we were to talk about positive experiences in my life since I was 15, the few that she's been present for that couldn't be replaced by literally someone who wasn't actively upsetting me at that moment would be five or six if I optimistic, three of which would involve a childhood dog that died some time ago. Seems like a condemnation of her character, I know. That is not my intention. I despise her as a mother. My dislike comes from the fact that we are very different people. If she weren't my mom, I wouldn't give her a second thought, other than looking at some random activity that people enjoy and asking myself, "Why does anyone enjoy this?"

    If I don't need her emotionally as a mother, due to a very questionable economy I have long since discarded any need for the material support common in my generation and I find her presence as a person an empty experience... where do I use it when I change my life to admit someone who wouldn't otherwise be welcome?

    • The writer

      RobertStrankmanThe Writer Wow Robert! You're talking about your mother here. If you despise them and want to continue the alienation, who are we to say anything? If so, why post here at all? If your situation doesn't worry you, why did you bother to tell your story? That's why I assumed you were interested.

      "If I don't need her emotionally as a mother, I have long since rid myself of any material support from my generation due to a very questionable economy and I find her presence as a person an empty experience ... What good does it do me if I change my life to help someone to grant entry that would otherwise not be welcome?"

      Gosh, do you see your mom as a business venture? From what you've written, it seems like there was too much anxiety in your mother-son relationship and you have a lot to unravel. If it's worth saving, why not? All the best and good luck. I hope I haven't offended you.

      • RobertStrankman

        The ScribeRobertStrankman You have not been offended. Confusion and intrigue at another insight maybe, but no offense. I hope this nonsense doesn't happen to anyone else. Frankly, being estranged sucks. It feels like I'm orphaned or that something is wrong with me. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I did as a kid that caused my mom to be so angry at me so many times and spent so much time tearing me down. And I can never find out because she's so adept at emotional abuse that she could drive me into another nervous breakdown. Perhaps that was her goal, "I'm so angry at the way men have treated me that I'm going to prove they can be just as weak as my mother told me women were!" HAHA!” Probably not. More likely, she was just too caught up in her own damage to notice. However, the end result is the same as I cannot endanger my family by exposing any of them to a person who is known to hurt them terribly.

        What does this mean for other separated parents? All my mom had to do before it was too late — more on why it was just about too late — was just to say, "I know my behavior often upsets you very much. My intention was not to hurt you and it obviously did, I'm sincerely sorry. If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen.” Ownership, remorse, and a willingness to listen without anger. She couldn't undo what was done... but she could have proved that she was ready to be a better person in the future. It wouldn't matter if she thought she was the wronged party or not, it wouldn't matter if she thought I was the biggest, most ungrateful idiot who ever lived (but if so, why bother to have me in her life if I were so awful), if she wanted the relationship, it had to be bigger, if only in her own eyes. Might have blown her up...then at least she could say she tried. She didn't try, so she'll never get the chance now.

        Why doesn't she ever get the chance? The answer ties in with my second post on "What brings them to the table?" I mention finances there (and in the first) to note that by the time alienation occurs, material concerns are neither the cause nor the cure. Worse, what if they were? Is that all a parent is supposed to be? A bank that calculates interest over the phone with people who are easily disinterested? I have yet to meet a person who deserves this kind of useless attachment. Every person in every person's life has to be more than just money or a little impersonal effort. My mom will never get the chance because she lost the only thing she had that could make me happy, the aforementioned childhood dog had died. The dog was the only thing my mother and I cared about equally in young adulthood. She was literally the one thing we never fought about. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have missed anything positive about my mother.

        What does this mean for other separated parents? What does your child see that you bring into their life? That might be a cold view, but it's important because it's important to why a grown child would want you in a likely happier life (if they weren't happier, they could have come forward or answered). It also matters whether the alienation ends. Without a friendship or camaraderie to sustain the relationship, she will remain cold and distant as the adult child will have little drive to pursue her beyond the bare minimum of courtesy. Yes, the adult offspring take most, if not all, of the blame for this... but again, they're not the ones looking for a relationship.

        Yes, I despise my mother. She deserves it. I despise anyone who harms or threatens me or my own safety, especially if they do so repeatedly and without remorse. No one owes their abuser love and I am rightfully too scared of their words to offer forgiveness. However, it didn't have to be that way. And maybe if I can prevent or reverse it from happening to another family, maybe that can alleviate some of my guilt...even if that guilt stems from my acting appropriately for something I can't control .

      • The writer

        RobertStrankmanDer Schreiber

        Hello Robert,

        Thank you for not taking offense and for your kind response, which helps me understand your particular situation. In fact, I was confused and intrigued as I thought with my Eastern Confucian mind. This answer will surely help many victim parents who are wondering why their adult children are staying away. Of course, some adult children do it out of selfishness or a calculating mind.

        If your mother realized that when she cannot tell you these things directly, she should turn to a reliable mediator. Your mother must have gone through a lot of abuse herself to act in the following way

        "I'm so angry at the way men have treated me that I'm going to prove they can be just as weak as my mother told me women were!"

        This shows that everything was psychological. She was hurt by male gender when she was younger, so she probably took it out on you because you're male. After reading your answer I can feel the human in you. I don't think she realized what she was doing to you all these years. All parents love their children, so they don't realize it. They think they are doing the right thing because they see things from the other side. If so, and you still think it's worth one last try, find someone you trust and your mom knows to talk to her BCS. She cannot initiate the move because she has not noticed. You're the enlightened one here, Robert, so the ball is actually up to you.

        I wish you the best. Being estranged from your parents, children and siblings is the worst thing that can happen to you.

      • lcjantzi

        RobertStrankman

        By lcjantzi

        I have read all of your posts here and the others who have replied. For what it's worth, I believe you really were abused. The part that left me cold was after you said you wanted to "prevent this nonsense from happening to anyone," and then you went on to ask, "What does your child see that you bring into their life?" So I did mine asked this question. Basically, I believed that I brought everything in me into my children's lives to the point where they distanced themselves from me, which I accepted. Unlike your mother, I was supportive and there were times when I had to take the brunt of extremely hurtful criticism to support and protect my children as we went through their father's arrest and "fallout" from being sexually deviant when my son performed when my one daughter got pregnant and many other occasions that I am painfully reminded of.

        What I need to give now is peace, peace without drama and stability. I only asked for three visits a year - Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday. I even negotiated the days and times we could meet at those times. The one time I put my foot on the accelerator, it became THE problem.

        But none of my stories really relate to yours, accept "the question". My answer is I was the kind of mother who would never do anything to hurt my child. I understand there were times when her feelings were hurt or I said or did something that disappointed her. As you said, these things cannot be undone. But I think we can talk about it and maybe there's understanding to be gained. In any case, they were "abused" from their point of view and have not wanted any contact from me for years. Since they said that, they probably feel like you, so I would invalidate them etc. I think if they hear or read your story they might find out they had it pretty good and kind of consider it and loving words I used when addressing her during those years of estrangement. Words that never mentioned the hurtful and disrespectful things they said and did to me as their parents.

        So Robert, thanks for sharing your story. It has helped me to realize that what I BROUGHT into my children's lives was my best and I now deserve their love and respect. Some grown children would have given anything to have a mother like me, despite my fumbling as a parent.

• NL mother

  RobertStrankman Robert, I'm so sorry to hear about your estrangement from your mother. Unfortunately, I have seen many parent-child relationships die because the parent remarried. Anyway, to get to my point. I have a sister who always criticizes me, it gets on my last nerve, but I watchMoreit from a different perspective. She has a problem, it's not about me, it's just that her husband and I are the only people she's allowed to criticize. I don't take it to heart, I often laugh at her which really makes her stand outside and see how she's acting, then she gets a confused look on her face. She can't help but criticize, no more that you or you can stop breathing. could you do that with your mom Just a suggestion... As a parent, I know how much the alienation hurt me, and I know that parents love their children. I don't want to belittle how she hurt you, I'm just saying that maybe she can't help it.

lcjantzi

• keithdhendrickson

  lcjantzi Thank you http://www.livefyre.com/profile/109640568/ for your reply. Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately, the damage I face to myself in cutting off abusive relatives is a compromise I have to make; something I have to live with and struggle with on a daily basis. What you say is true. We will never end a relationship without hurting ourselves. But it's the only way to stop the cycle of abuse. We need to find a way to live with our frustration, anger, and insecurities so we don't pass our negativity on to our children.

  The truth is I don't know the whole story. One thing I've learned is that in many ways I know very little about her life. I can't begin to understand what others have gone through; their struggles, failures, their pains. Honestly, while I'm always willing to listen, these things are none of my business. But if a bully hits you on the playground, forgiving them if you understand why they did it will help you, but it won't stop it from happening again. I understand and respect that others have experienced trials that I have not had, but unfortunately we are all responsible for our behavior towards others. Just my opinion.

• The writer

  lcjantzi I agree that adult children sometimes "see" things that aren't there. They form ideas from their experiences/thoughts/observations while growing up, but what they blame their parents for may be unfounded. The untruth could probably be very true to them through wrong interpretations of words and deeds.

  Hey Keith, you should come East and see for yourself how "entitled" parents are here, especially X-Generation and Baby Boomer parents. Parents of young adults belonging to the Y and Z generations have lost some of the “entitlement” that parents of older generations take for granted. However, most of our "legitimate" parents behave, but some give their young adult children a hard time by demanding a lot from their children - their time and money. We are still traditional and filial piety is still the norm. A child who is not a child will be criticized by relatives and close family friends. Many Thanks.

  • keithdhendrickson

    The Scribelcjantzi Thank you for your reply. There are many cultural and generational differences that create tension in any child-parent relationship. Times are changing and how we are culturally expected to treat our children and parents is changing. Especially with my parents-in-law, I have tried to appreciate and take this into accountMoreConsideration as they don't accept me. They come from a different time and culture completely alien (geographically and culturally) to the one I grew up in. However, I cannot accept abuse in my life. Abuse will destroy your self-worth, your marriage, your relationship with your children, and will never end if you don't fight back. I guess what I'm saying is that I just expect to be treated with the same respect that you would treat any adult. Why should family be any different than any other relationship? You treat her with respect because you know that if you don't, you will lose a friend very quickly. But because we're family, it's okay to treat each other horribly. After all, you only have one family, right? - Just a few thoughts.

    • The writer

      keithdhendricksonThe Scribelcjantzi

      Hallo Keith,

      The problem here in the east is that few people see it as "abuse", especially the way they treated their daughters-in-law a few generations ago. Of course, the situation is changing quickly, and soon it will be the daughters-in-law who will do the "bullying".

      I agree that respect is paramount. Family shouldn't be any different. If we can treat friends, coworkers, and neighbors with respect, why can't we do the same to family? Kindness and respect will end this alienation problem that has largely plagued the western world but has already reared its ugly head and destroyed many families.

      • keithdhendrickson

        The Scribekeithdhendricksonlcjantzi Yes, there is a fine line between the abuse and the abuse. I live in the East, or rather the Southeast, haha, my in-laws are Polynesian, which you probably wouldn't consider an abusive culture, but it is what it is. IMoreknow that in Asian cultures, older people are particularly revered, which, as you mentioned, can cause a lot of tension.

      • The writer

        keithdhendricksonThe Scribelcjantzi

        Hallo Keith,

        You wrote that you live in the southeast. From what part of the world, if I may ask? Could your in-laws be from Fiji or a Polynesian island? I live among Malays of Polynesian ancestry. The Polynesians are a very gentle and sympathetic people, yet there is abuse in every culture.

        Worshiping elders (and people older than us) need not necessarily create tension if we simply accept the practice as part of a particular culture. Dissatisfaction arises when we question too much, e.g. if you watch a fairy tale on tv and keep questioning this and that scene, you won't be able to enjoy the story. We Orientals are simpler. We just expose our disbelief LOL and accept all practices because it's part of the culture. Today's boys (teens and adults alike) feel they have to break the norm just to demonstrate their individualism. We can always exercise our individualism in a way that doesn't upset the norm of a society.

        I mentioned that alienation is rearing its ugly head here in the East because today's youth find it difficult to take culture of entitlement etc. for granted.

      • keithdhendrickson

        The Scribekeithdhendricksonlcjantzi I'm an American, where I was born and raised. I currently live in Australia and my in-laws are New Zealand Polynesian and also live in Australia. So, as you can imagine, it took me a while to clarify what was socially and culturally acceptable difference and what was just abusive behavior. I know that's not part of their culture, it's just who they are as individuals. Polynesian culture is incredibly open and hospitable in many ways.

        Being Chinese, I can imagine that given some of the recent Western influences in China's culture and economy, there would be a lot of tension between the elderly family/community and the "simple" philosophy that prevails among the elderly you mention and the individualistic tendencies of western influences on youth. Just some thoughts.

keithdhendrickson

• NL mother

  keithdhendrickson Yes, Keith, there are many victims here. We had our hearts taken out of our chests and we stepped on them and believe me we spent months if not years trying to figure out why. If we knew what we are responsible for, we would gladly carry that burden. And weMoreCome here looking for answers and insights into why this is happening to us, so maybe we can figure out what we did wrong. Trying to figure out what we did wrong and why many alienated parents use and probably always will. Learning to live with alienation is all consuming, everyone here loved their child(ren) and would happily trade our limbs and eyes for a relationship with them. I don't see a spoiled, entitled or abusive parent here, I see parents searching for answers, living with grief and despair, if that seems like anything else to you that's fair, it's hard to see people going through what these Parents are walk through and understand unless you've been there. Good luck and take care. I hope that your relationship with your parents, if not repaired, that you find peace with it.

• Debbielg725752016

  Sounds like you've gotten over not being a victim...

• way to happiness

  @ keithdhendrickson

  Yes there are many adults on this site who take no responsibility for their actions, many seem to have absolutely no idea what they have done? and are victims. In life it is not always possible to get along with everyone (be it family/friends etc.). Sometimes relationships are just not meant to be. There is a reason and purpose behind everything (and that can be difficult to understand).

  At the end of the day, we need to put our own marriage, family, the people who are separate from our lives helping us, supporting us at this time, our relationship with God first. Stay away/avoid people who are abusive, bring insecurity and drama into your life. It's the smart thing to do!

  You are a "difficult child/teen" to raise...all children/teens can be disobedient to their parents, children lie, some steal, some children have tantrums, some swear, some are shocking at school, some experiment. What children don't speak, they act out! Maybe not right, but it's apart from growing up, learning consequences and making better decisions. It is perfectly normal to make bad decisions in life, especially as a child, teenager. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about things you did as a child or teenager. The healthy thing is to learn from those bad choices.

  Watch after.

• Steve Drettler

  How about me as a father who has always been loving and caring for his only daughter and after a very contentious divorce my daughter went to her mother's sid and has not spoken to me in 15 years. I communicate via SMS, Facebook etc but don't unfriend meMoreAnswers. My heart breaks every day

  • keithdhendrickson

    Steve Drettler I'm very sorry Steve. I don't know much about your relationship. However, I know from my own experience that it's very hard sometimes to tell your parents how you feel, especially when you know it will hurt their feelings. It's easier to just cut them out and save yoursMoreFeelings from your anger and resentment, all the while keeping them in the dark trying to figure out what could have gone wrong. Maybe she blames you for the divorce. Regardless, there's obviously something she's holding onto that she doesn't like talking to you about. Like I said, I don't know about your relationship and it's none of my business, but thanks for your reply Steve. Hopefully one day things will get better for you and your daughter.

  • lcjantzi

    Steve Drettler von lcjantzi

    It's hard to believe at times how children often reject a very loving parent who is willing to talk and listen about things. I was sad to read that your daughter has carried her judgment and punitive behavior for 15 years! It is as if she remembers nothing of the loving and good things you have done for her. Or maybe it is because she cannot reconcile her relationship with you and cannot maintain her relationship with her mother. It seems to me that our generation of children has little discernment or strength of character to recognize that one can love both parents who have separated. In my case, it was obvious that her father's sexual offense and continued pursuit was the reason for our divorce, but I did not ask her not to have a relationship with him. I just asked her to be careful around him; I knew they must have some kind of relationship with him.

    I hope your daughter grows to understand that you have been waiting for her and how long you have suffered. Maybe she takes you for granted because she can read your communiques and continue to punish you by not responding. I cannot imagine that a loving parent like you deserves such continued punitive action.

    I made a very conscious decision to NOT communicate with my adult children anymore. Here's what I thought: You haven't responded to my continued, loving communication for over two years. (I don't know about you for 15 years, Steve, but maybe I'll find out.) I accepted that they rejected me as their mother. So be it. I can't change her mind despite trying everything I can. I decided to write to them one last time and let them know that I'm comfortable with the idea that we may never see or speak to each other again. It wasn't easy writing to them or living with it after broadcasting, but I feel a little lighter and more peaceful.

    Steve, I've said a lot. I hope you can find your way to peace on this path of alienation that we had to walk. As one committed parent to another, I'm on your side.

  • Debbielg725752016

    Hello Steve,. My son walked without speaking to me for a solid 12 years. We've talked and even spent time together, but he continues to be unavailable and angry far too often. I see an advisor. I keep texting him, but I believe himMoreshe never reads. It is a deep despair and I feel sorry for you and have great sympathy. I wish I had a magic wand! ~ Debbie

    • NL mother

      Debbielg725752016 Debbie I have to ask after such a long time how he approached you to start the relationship again and did you find that difficult? Can you trust him not to do it again? I haven't seen my son for almost two years, last contact was a FB message eight months agoMorebefore. I don't know if I could let my son back into my life. I wouldn't be able to look at him with respect or warmth.

      • Debbielg725752016

        Thank you for the insight. Very helpful

      • NL mother

        Debbielg725752016 Hi Debbie, sorry for dragging this conversation out. I know that sometimes it's hard to even talk or even think about our alienated children. Could it be that your son is frustrated with himself? I know of a case where the son tried to contact his motherMorebut he didn't know how to do it, he felt like an idiot and couldn't look his mother in the eye because of guilt. Just a thought.

      • Debbielg725752016

        He didn't approach me

        After 12 years of searching I found him

      • The writer

        NL MomDebbielg725752016

        I agree with you NL Mom. Any kid who can ignore their parents for months and years isn't worth the trouble. How could you feel respect or warmth for such a child? No more than 6 months is reasonable. Anything over a year is beyond the bounds of decency.

  • NL mother

    Steve Drettler Heartbreaking Steve, I'm so sorry for you. I have a friend in the same situation, he has three daughters. He doesn't talk about it much, but when he does you can see the pain on his face. I'm sure you think your ex-wife had something to doMoredo, and even if she didn't (which I doubt) she should have encouraged your daughter to have a relationship with you.

JohnDashnerIII

• Leftnlonely

  That's very sad. One day your father will be a very lonely man. Sounds like you did your best. Sounds like he won't let anyone into his world. Try again sometime. Leftnlonely

  • JohnDashnerIII

    Leftnlonely Oh he does, but they're people who cater to his every whim. Some of his old friends have even stopped talking to him because he feels entitled to say whatever he wants, no matter how rude.

  • The writer

    Leftnlonely how are you, lady? Go ahead and make your life worth living. Life is short so make it sweet.

    Allow me to present an analogy to life.

    There are 3 types of Chinese tea - bitter, sweet and mild. The sweet tea does not need any sugar as it is naturally sweet, the bitter tea can never be sweetened no matter how much sugar you add, and the mild tea is designed to rid your mouth of the bitter/sweet taste. Many people forget and drink all their sweet tea in their youth and leave them only bitter tea in their old age. The Buddha tells us to leave some sweet tea for the later part of our lives.

    • Leftnlonely

      lefynlonely . That was a very good analogy. Very good advice. I even got a part-time job as a hostess at a dinner theater. Which is very flexible. People are all very happy for a night out for dinner and a show.MoreSo I'm around almost all happy people. It was fun. So I'm trying to help myself but it was a hard push. I still miss my son and guess I can't see him but I'm not that upset.

Missing bill

• NL mother

  @Missingbill Your councilor needs to find a new workspace. A funeral? Know someone who lost a child and had to stand there while lowering their child's coffin into the ground? Unfortunately, I too am estranged from my child, but I know that as sadMoreIn our situation, any single parent who has buried a child would immediately switch places with you or me. Also imagine if your son found out about his "funeral", don't you think it would hurt him, that there is some context in which he could see that as okay? I know you're hurt and I have to admit I've been angry for months and can't get over it, but I don't project my anger onto anyone (ok, I'll admit the punk who cut me off yesterday has two fingers and some don't such exquisite words). I hope you get beyond the phase you are in and continue to move through the phases until you get to a point where you can deal with the pain. I hope to forgive my son for the pain he caused me, but that doesn't mean I hope to have a relationship with him. I was hoping to accept the situation and move on with my life. I hope the same for all parents here.

• The writer

  @Missingbill Due to cultural differences, I would advise you NOT to do something like this. Perhaps westerners or whites are not as superstitious as we are in the east. There is a Malay word (the language we're using here) that means "pantang" or "taboo" in English. We believe that words and actions can bring happiness or misfortune. That's why it's best to just keep quiet when there's nothing good to say.

  I am truly an "observer" as I am not directly involved in adult child alienation. I enjoy reading the posts here and participating in the discussion.

  Here in the east we're still traditional and our young adults still have a lot of childlike deference to their "legitimate" parents, but most parents here do their duty and behave. 50 years ago the parents were still "entitled" here, but alienation did not exist. I think this started with the x generation in the west or could it have started with the babay boomers? here in the east it started with the y generation, but we could see this non-aggressive cancer slowly spreading. Whatever the case, I am now observing two young adults (both girls, both well educated, both married to well educated men who have well paying jobs) in my extended family who are acting against the norm, which means that they become rude .

  Please let me apologize in advance if what I wrote in paragraph 1 offended you, but you did in terms of thoughts and opinions. Many Thanks

  • Missing bill

    Thank you for your honest advice The Scribe.

lcjantzi

• NL mother

  lcjantzi Thanks for posting! Your way of dealing with alienation sounds similar to mine. I've been stuck in the anger phase for about five months now and am trying to get over it, but I seem to be stuck here. I try to be indifferent, butMoreI can't imagine how it would feel.

lcjantzi

• Debbielg725752016

  Many Thanks

Leftnlonely

Leftnlonely

• JohnDashnerIII

  Leftnlonely I'm sorry, it sounds like what your son did hurt you terribly. It could have been his girlfriend's work.

Leftnlonely

• The writer

  leftnlonely dear lady,

  Don't feel so bad for doing your duty to your son. He's the one who should search his heart. Almost all parents do their best for their children and worry about them. Many Asian parents still go so far as to finance each child's first home. It's crazy, but all well-heeled Asian parents do that. I don't think parents should go that far. Giving them a good basic education (up to their first degree) is sufficient. The rest is up to them.

  Parents have to take care of themselves in old age. Make sure you are financially stable so that you are in control of your life. Enough sadness. Once you sort your thoughts and feelings, start enjoying life. He's not worth wasting your whole life on. Go ahead and start living for yourself. If my grown child betrays my love and my sacrifices, I would turn the tables on him, let him have the ball and blame him. In the East, parents always win hands down. Then I would go out and enjoy life to the fullest. Travel (come east), eat, wear comfortable good clothes, go to the casino and play a little for fun, hehe, generally do what you enjoy.

  • Leftnlonely

    Thank you SCRIBE. You put everything in perspective. Thank you.. great help.

    • The writer

      Leftnlonely you're welcome. I sympathize because I sympathize with someone in my extended family who is witnessing careless and callous young adult children (they didn't dare to cut off the parents). Now that their father is ill, they are trying to wriggle out of their duty. In the East, especially where I live, such behavior is still rare as the majority of the population is Muslim. The teachings of Islam forbid children to wrong their parents.

      I don't want to experience first hand how painful it is to be treated unkindly and unfairly by your children after making so much sacrifice and hard work.

      May your son come to his senses soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself, especially your health.

      • Leftnlonely

        I'm sure he won't come to his senses in my lifetime. My health is good as far as I know. I just have to accept what happened without knowing why. Hoping that karma is really out there. And the memory of themMoregood times. That's all I can do. Bill still checks in here for assistance. Because I always need that

MumofThree

• JohnDashnerIII

  MumofThree No son who loves his mother would EVER say that to be ashamed of.

• NeedForPeace

  MumofThree I am so sorry for the difficult and painful situation. If you fear for your youngest son when he visits his eldest brother, then you must protect your 12-year-old. Maybe the 12-year-olds can make phone calls instead of visiting.

  Even if it feels impossible now, perhaps the occasional email or card will keep a line of communication open and leave open the possibility of reconciliation as your eldest son works through whatever is causing his need for distance.

• healing heart

  This is a sad thing to hear from our grown up children, somehow they feel that daughter-in-law might be the culprit of this argument. If your younger son is being abused and your older son made that comment, act instinctively. Your older son can call him or email him back and forth. Chances are your older son cuts you off completely, but he doesn't seem to give you the respect you deserve.

  As for the continued emails from you to him, I've been there, but not with as stern a response as what you've received. What I've learned from all my kind emails reminding me how much I loved her because I felt it was important for her to know that and not be acknowledged is that it's more painful no one likes rejection...so I quit altogether because it's just important that I feel loved and if not by her then by myself.

  I only have one, if I had another who is underage I would only focus on that one and eventually the other can live with their words which I'm sure they regret but won't see if you can with words of any magnitude Come back . Silent answer do what he said he has to live with that...don't be a doormat/victim take back your power.

  Just my thoughts... go with your intuition and wish you the best!

  • Missing bill

    Bill stopped talking to me 7 years ago. I only have one too. I only focus on one. How do I get my power back for not being a doormat?

    • Leftnlonely

      To MissingBill. That is a difficult question. Are you saying you only have one kid and his bill? Do you have other children and is the only son??

• The writer

  MumofThree Wow. Poor mom. How could he say that about his own mother? All I can say is he's immature. A mature person would wish his mother good health and long life.

  We in the east NEVER curse our parents. Islam is the official religion I live by, although I'm not a Muslim. Islam teaches that heaven is at your mother's feet and if your mother curses you seven times, the curse will come true. Being a child to your mother brings you greater blessings than being a child to your father, but in Islam (as well as Buddhism) it is a major sin to mistreat one's parents/elders. We dare not mistreat our parents. Even today, young Muslim adults treat their parents very, very well compared to young adults of other faiths. I envy the Muslim parents here and respect their grown children.

healing heart

• way to happiness

  @ Healing Heart

  Lots of angry moms on this site. "I used to give my parenting record a 5, but now I give the daughter card a 5 as well." ...then you go on to write, "It's not worth losing my quality of life to someone who can't play nice!" Just out of interest, what do you give your daughter on her "report card"? I hope it's nice.

  • healing heart

    Most are just hurt, this is no place to judge. The decision to stop playing the victim should not be dictated by anger. Being too hard on yourself puts health at risk, which I firmly believe no one is worth.

    Her grade would have been bad that day, but hey, my long story, just walking in my shoes would be a clear picture. Beware the path to happiness, we all want the same thing, just have different ways of going about it

  • healing heart

    Most are just hurt, the decision to stop playing the victim doesn't dictate anger. I won't lie, it wasn't a good grade that day, but hey, long story, only one person in my shoes would understand my story. But this is no place for judgment!MoreOn the road to happiness, we all have our own way to get there.

Leftnlonely

• Spirited lady

  Leftnlonely Let's hope they learn from this and ask for help and relationship. Unfortunately, many do not change. Many just blame others and apologize without making the connection.

  • The writer

    Temperamentvolle LadyLeftnlonely

    It seems many of today's young adults learned LOL from Robinson Crusoe, but even he needed his Man Friday. I've heard they also cut off all their friends and co-workers (they only communicate while at work) as if they only need each other. Really karma!!!

    • Leftnlonely

      Leftnlonely. To the scribe. That's exactly what he does with every friend, but one has been cut from his life. He only socializes at work. That's it. He has very few friends that he keeps in touch with. His best friends are gone, but he has reconnected with older friends he had many years ago

      Oh my daughter and I will never get into this agsin. He has bad luck with the whole family. Thank you for noticing me.

      • The writer

        Leftnlonely you're welcome, lady.

        In fact, I wonder what's going on with many young adults today. How come they are so closed off - closed off like some Americans LOL because the US is cut off from the continents of Asia, Europe and Africa by the Atlantic. People from the UK, or the Scandinavian countries, or any country in Western Europe know about Southeast Asia, but few Americans (hopefully I'm not offending well-travelled/well-read Americans).

        The mind becomes closed off when people close themselves off from others.

• lcjantzi

  Thank you for your contribution. I'm so relieved to hear that. That means you don't have to do anything to the car. I know it would have been a difficult step, so I'm glad they get this chance to learn from their choices. Well to be strongMoreenough not to save her, right? Know that I'm cheering for you.

  • Leftnlonely

    Thank you I need that cheer for Icjantri by leftnlonely. Time helps. Not much, but we have to crawl before we can walk. lefynlonely

  • Leftnlonely

    It's another car that I have yet to pay for. It wasn't stolen, it was sold. I didn't sign for the stolen one his sister did.

    • The writer

      Leftnlonely Looks like your son used you and your daughter. He lost nothing and still made money from the car he sold although you still have to pay back the loan. The insurance company will deduct an amount of money called the "deposit money" from the amount they pay outMoreteach us to be careful with our cars. Your daughter would still have to pay back the loan. In both cases, your son escaped unharmed. Don't let him manipulate you/your family again.

      • Leftnlonely

        He will never have or get another chance.

schön

• Spirited lady

  chokonoko Good for you! You sound very healthy. It's a process. Even in the best of circumstances, there is a process of learning to live independently of one's children and the responsibilities of raising children... and learning to relate to our children as adults and make their choices about lifestyle and the extent of the child to accept contact.MoreBut we all have to adapt to more extreme situations. Like I said, it's a process and you seem to have done the work to get to a happy place. Congratulations!

• Leftnlonely

  Sounds like you're doing very well. I've also noticed that I'm happier, but I still miss my son. We were so close and traveled so much. I'm still at a loss. However, I have to say that I don't miss walking to the airportMore3 times a week to pick him up and drop him off, he works for a major airline and if his flight goes to lster the same day he comes to my house so he doesn't have to sleep in the crew lounge. So it's 11:30pm to get him. Then 530 to bring him back. Not much sleep. I want to get to where you are. you are doing so well

• Lydia Alexandra

  Chokonoko Fantastic!! Watch out for the bees as they are not as numerous as they used to be. Best wishes to you. X

  • The writer

    Lydia Alexandrachokonoko

    Take care of them because they take care of you by making you earn by selling the honey. And the blue ribbon too! Congratulations.

• lcjantzi

  I am happy for you because you have found the freedom that I am just beginning in my life without any contact with my children. Thank you for sharing and giving me a boost to live my life guilt-free yet productive.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

lcjantzi

lcjantzi

• Leftnlonely

  You cannot be responsible for the actions of others, only yourself. Don't blame yourself. We all had. Stepping stones to jump over. But you fooled yourself. Did you get the instructions for use at birth? Neither do I.

• Leftnlonely

  We were too good of parents. That's the problem that's too good for them. Yes, I agree, you should have faced her in her twenties. I should have stood up to my son back then, but I didn't. He's 40 now and kicked me outMoreto the wind. After many years of being so close, I died inside. We'll remain estranged, he set the stage and I'm done. This site helped me to be so strong. Yes, I will always miss him. I will not allow him to exhaust my life and all the drama 10 people couldn't take. Life is much calmer without the drama. I will always miss him, we had 8 years of fabulous holidays and a million laughs. Didn't know I was set up

• Spirited lady

  lcjantziSounds like you're still blaming yourself... and playing the what if game. When I talked about giving them time, I wasn't talking about accepting abuse. I've never experienced that with my son. During his high school and college years, he went through many ups and downs with me, but never what my husband or I felt was abuse. Once in high school he used profanity and my husband said to him, "We don't talk like that in this house." He apologized. Although he was moody at times because other things were happening in his life...or not happening...and he had various issues with me (I tend to be late, we had an exchange student he teased), mine Son and I had many delightful times together when he was in college and after. It seemed to depend on his then-girlfriend's attitude or whether he had one.

  However, when he got engaged, he said to me, "You lose a son and you don't gain a daughter. You shouldn't treat her like a friend and you won't be a part of our lives." Apparently that was part of their marriage contract. I thought at the time that this was related to his issues with me, his father's death etc. Yes, he said it was "because of my behavior". But it's 6 years later and I've realized that this isn't about me or my son, it's about his wife and her need for control. What they meant by my behavior was that I took her out to lunch, hosted her family for Thanksgiving, and invited her to live with us for a few months so she could take any job in our community that she wanted. Last year she informed me that no communication from me was wanted. (I emailed her a few times a year.) That's rude, but not offensive. I just don't communicate with her now. My son has communicated less and less with me throughout his life. He sends me a 2 word text greeting for my birthday and Christmas and responds to requests for information about gifts. It must be sad for him too. But he will never leave these children, and neither do I. I just pray that the other parts of his life are going well. But I worry about the attitude and the impact on the children. My son said I could only be "a name on a card". So I send gifts to his toddlers with loving greetings from Grandma.

  So you see, there are many different situations. But no, I do not advise accepting abuse in any form. And I advise against sending gifts the way I do if they are a source of abuse.

  Your daughter sounds narcissistic. If so, their relationships with others may not be as respectful as you think. It's okay to be angry at yourself for accepting years of manipulative, abusive behavior. You need that anger not to let her in anymore. But you don't have to feel guilty for being loving despite abuse when your child grew up. If you allowed her to do that as a kid, then yes, you taught her that to deal with life. But you, as an adult, are not responsible for their decisions.

• The writer

  lcjantzi Here in the East it is considered shameful for adult children to neglect/ignore their parents. When parents express this to friends (their own and their children's) or family, young adults feel offended by the parents. If I heard something really uncomfortable about parents, I would tell them, "If you're ashamed, don't do it." I have read that in the West it is parents, especially mothers, who are ashamed when they feel alienated or cut off from their adult children. Our cultures seem to be on opposite ends.

  They wrote: "In hindsight, I should have stood up to them strongly during that time and ignored the fear of risking the loss of my relationship with them." There are actually two sides of a coin. Being too tough could bring negative results as well. However, I realize that it can also end up always giving in and giving them everything (buying their love). That's why I wrote here much earlier that parenting is like kite flying ie how would parents know when to let go of the string/how much to let go and when to pull it back/how much to pull back. Kite flying is a highly skilled sport so it takes practice, but there is no such thing as perfection in parenting no matter how many kids you have.

  If your adult child sees fit to ignore his/her own mother/father, then don't. Don't ask for them. As soon as you stop yelling for them, they will come to you. Once you stop caring, they will worry. I remember up until the day they died I wanted my parents approval, so I guess it's the same for all kids.

• purple lace

  lcjantzi I totally agree with you when you say, "They are the ones who have damaged the relationship, but they play to make us look unfair and unreasonably unloving". I, too, have walked on eggshells as long as I've known a word that would even seem like criticism would make him flee, and yet his father and I are the ones who are always wrong. About a year ago we were invited to my son and his girlfriend's house to see if we could make things right, but my son sat in the chair the whole time with his head down and let his girlfriend taunt him and shake our core values. She apparently spoke for my son when she said we thought Dad (yes, she calls us Mum and Dad) should have had a different type of surgery (he had bladder cancer) so it would be easier if we dated. (He takes longer in a washroom as he now needs to be catheterized)!!

  The friend was staying with my sister where she pretended to massage my sister's knee (she has arthritis) and later told everyone that she pressed the knee hard because she didn't think my sister was doing anything to her knee would not be okay! She said I did it to test her!! My son said nothing!

  I'm angry too, I'm determined that my son or his girlfriend will never disrespect me ever again. I have cut off all correspondence with him, if he wants to repair this relationship the ball is his. (By the way, my son is 50 years old) I'm at the point where I want to change my will to leave everything to charity and people who respect me. My husband wants us to wait, but he too thinks it's almost hopeless.

  My anger subsides and I move on living and enjoying it, I see no alternative. I am determined that they will not ruin my life.

  • lcjantzi

    Purple lace

    I needed your answer. It was so affirming to me when you used the words, "walking on eggshells." Oh phew, you got it! That's exactly how I've felt for almost 10 years.

    I was saddened that your son would allow his girlfriend to speak to his parents about such a serious matter and without empathy, but you have indicated that this is just one in a row. I wonder if your son's apparent attitude reflected his inner, quiet shame and/or turmoil. In any case, I'm sure you've been looking for him to comment. Even saying he agrees would at least let you know where you stand with him. What I mean is that I found it easier to deal with my middle daughter's open anger at me than when she let her older sister do all the communication.

    I, too, seriously considered changing my will, but felt I had to wait until my anger no longer influenced my decision. I'm almost there and I think time matters. It's been 2.5 years and I'll wait another six months and probably make the biggest changes. What makes it more difficult is that I would like to leave it to my grandchildren but have no way of getting their SS numbers.

    I enjoy my life too. I'm still hopeful and it won't rule my life either.

    Thanks again for your answer!

  • Lydia Alexandra

    violetlacelcjantzi I envy people like you who, as you say, carry on my life and enjoy it. It's probably because you have a partner while my partner had trouble keeping his zip up, was a gamer and cleaned us up. So I did 2 jobs to give my son a private education and I bought a house that I finally paid off when I was 60. Over the years I lost all contact with people/friends as I worked while my son was at school and worked while he slept with a paid childminder.

    I think that's why it hit me so hard and totally crushed me. I now have inflammation of the colon and major depression. I'm so dead inside it's like I'm sleepwalking. My son also left me completely when he met someone. What he has, I have given him all my inheritance, knowing that he is economical and wise with money. To be honest, I don't regret or blame it, but he completely erased me from his life. At 68 where do you go and start somewhere new as I have this incredible desire to pack up and go and live somewhere else, downsize and spend my money on myself, spoiling myself for what I do have done for others for over 22 years (and giving something like that to myself). Flexibility to see my son in all the things he did at school).

    The idea of ​​having a decent hairdresser and not a do-it-yourselfer (here in the UK I lost my pension in the recession and am now living off the state pension), have nice massages and reflexology, have nice trips with Saga (holidays for the over 50 and many are single) instead of living in that existence.

    When your son's girlfriend spoke for him, you didn't tell him that - and what do you think? Why was he so reluctant to speak for himself. It seems to me that that's why she bothered him, and because he didn't want her to leave him, he went alone with what she says. If he honestly thought what she was saying would be right, he wouldn't voice his opinion, after all it's his body, not hers.

    Your son behaves like my father, goes along with everything for the sake of peace, but if no one is to blame (in my case everything that went wrong in my mother's life was my fault) because you are passed on - he will not know what you hit him. After I left home, my mother totally devastated my father and he had a complete breakdown. He was vicar and was dismissed from the church.

    One of the things I learned years ago - although I didn't apply it to my son - is that we teach people how to treat us. I applaud your strength of character in how you handle things. I, too, wanted to change my will and leave it to whoever will take care of me in my final years. I can't see any change in where my son wants me to be a part of his life.

    Best wishes to you all. X

    • Leftnlonely

      I also don't have a partner and yes it's a lot harder and takes longer to recover and realize what actually happened to us and what we did. We knew best, and if we had known how to do it betterMorewe would have I didn't get the instructions from my son. And you. Stay here with us. They help me and it's great not to feel alone

    • Spirited lady

      Lydia Alexandravioletlacelcjantzi Lydia, why don't you follow your dreams? Just keep imagining where you would move and how you would live. Focus on that instead of your loss. Our feelings just happen, but then we can choose what to do with them, about them. You decide if you stayMoredepressed and sleepwalking, feeling sorry for yourself and focusing on all that you have sacrificed and how badly you have been treated, or planning a new life. At 75, 68 doesn't seem that old to me. Look at your options. I know you have health issues so take the time to educate yourself about care in old age. In the USA there are residential complexes for seniors. They have activities and are close to doctors. Is there such a thing in England?

      • Lydia Alexandra

        Spirited LadyLydia Alexandravioletlacelcjantzi Thank you, but I would hate to live in a place like this. My GP told me when I had my pre-op to live well into my 90's as I have no ailments other than arthritis. Colon inflammation is just new dueMoreemphasize. If I wanted to live in such a complex, it would be best for me to return to Australia, where the weather is very much in my favour. I don't think I'm ready for something like this, but thank you for your much appreciated contribution.

  • The writer

    Violet lace cjantzi Bravo dir Violet lace. Leave the ball in its court. Flip the table so it becomes his problem, not yours. If he does not see the need to rewrite the will. If they don't respect parents, they don't earn their hard-earned money. Better yet, enjoy your money while you can.MoreTravel, eat, whatever.

further

• Leftnlonely

  I have no choice but to pay for it. It's only on my behalf. Lesson learned well in the Gard way. It will be paid out in a year

  • Leftnlonely

    Yes, I spoke to the lender. And it's just that my name is on the loan I have to pay. The loan will never happen again. stupid mother Leftnlonely

  • Spirited lady

    Leftnlonely Apparently you paid with a loan that didn't use the car as collateral. That seems very strange. Yes, the lesson learned was yours. Have you spoken to the lender to see if there is a way to reduce payments?

• Leftnlonely

  No, he sold the car almost a year ago, I asked him to pay the loan. He said the payment comes straight from my paychecks, which is what you're worried about. No, I'm not paying for it, I need things. I'm an idiot. As someone onceMoresaid don't sign loans for your kids, only donate what you can afford to lose because you won't get it back. Best advice ever

• Spirited lady

  continue I agree. Talk to the lender and figure out how you can repossess the car and still protect your credit, probably by making a few payments that would be a lot less than making payments on the car while she's driving it.

  • Leftnlonely

    My son sold the car so it cannot be repossessed. Thete is not a car, only the credits remain. Oh, I only wish I hadn't had so much faith in my son's harsh lesson.

Leftnlonely

Leftnlonely

Leftnlonely

• Gena Gaddis

  Leftnlonely

  Sometimes we'll never know why. This is so damn hard for me to accept. Your pain is shared by others. You are not alone. I have a grandchild that I can't see and I'm breaking into right now!

  • Leftnlonely

    Take matters into your own hands. Yes, the baby makes it harder. But that wasn't your choice, you have to make it and you will do it. We think too much. These are our biggest problems. Go out with friends, go to a mall and people watch. Try toMoreoccupy your mind. I know, easier said than done, I still have bad days and just sit there and cry and I don't want to, but sometimes it just happens

Spirited lady

The real mother

• Leftnlonely

  But we must try to be there for each other, we will not solve each other's problems, but we are not alone in this either

• Leftnlonely

  @The Real Mom what is the answer then. How can you make amends with this adult child or their children?

• Deala1226

  @The Real Mom, I can only agree with you. My daughter broke up with her father (my ex) and now it's my turn. She chooses to remain angry and be a victim. My only concern is my 11 year old grandson, who is very close to both of us, and what impact this may haveMorehave on him. I hold the door open just for him. I have no interest in her due to her abusive behavior towards me, her son, her husband and so many others. I will say my prayers for her everyday but I have no hope as she sincerely needs psychological help and tools for her life but is totally unable to realize this. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder years ago and I hoped that by now, in her mid-30s, she would have believed that diagnosis and done something to help herself and others in her life. She decided against it because of her military career and the impact this diagnosis would have on her record. Really very sad. But I will always love her.

  • Spirited lady

    Deela1226 In my understanding, borderline personality disorder is untreatable. And it will not improve over time.

Brenda Alvarado885

• Leftnlonely

  I have the same pain and it sucks. But I can not change it. I have no way of contacting him or even going to him. I want it to go away too. Time will help. Keeping busy also helps. i know like youMorefeeling

• number five minus one

  Brenda Alvarado885

  Tut mir leid, Brenda. Sei nicht verlegen. Ich fühlte auch diese Frage nach meiner Identität als Elternteil.

  My boss and I are very friendly and have known each other for years. She is really a friendly person. When she asked me today how I was going to spend my vacation, I told her it would be low-key and confided in her about my daughter. She started to cry. Tears streamed down her face as she confided to me that almost exactly the same thing had happened to her with her son recently. The common denominator was that our adult children are on the road to wealth and power. I couldn't believe how cruel her son had been to her. We left our pain at the door when we went to work. I was amazed to find so many similarities to our situations.

  In the end, you're not the only parent experiencing this. Ultimately, I believe as open to forgiveness as we are, we need to ask ourselves what a continued relationship with our adult child entails. Do you accept that he calls you by your first name and do you consider it a privilege to have a relationship with him? Or are you expressing that you want a relationship with him, but it has to be based on common courtesy? We teach people how to treat us and they do the same. We just have to be nice to each other in our conversations and the time we spend together. . If not, the other party should start with "I'd like to talk to you, but you're not nice, please call me or see you again if you can be nice." We should expect them to say the same thing if we were cruel.

  And some days are a lot worse than others. This depression creeps in as it should. Why wouldn't you be heartbroken? you care I think the Heartless write self-help articles about how awesome it is to lose someone you love so you can "find your passion" and create a wonderful, fulfilling life for yourself. Such a cop IMHO. We are allowed to mourn because it is important to us.

  • The writer

    Number five minus one Brenda Alvarado 885 five minus one,

    you make it so clear It's crystal clear that these young adults are "on the road to wealth and power." They use their parents as stepping stones. How deceptive! Then they turn around and blame the parents one hundred and one. The real reason is to wash their hands from their parents, who were once their heroes but are now seen as a nuisance and a stumbling block to their success. I have heard it said that they make a sacrifice by cutting off their parents. I wonder who is the sacrificial lamb here. They don't want to share their success and wealth with the only people who will love them, be they a failure or a success.

    If they're still struggling and need your help, I bet they're pretending to be affectionate, at least kind, even though they're impatient with people who are slow and get in each other's way (and they're slow with computers , apart from a handful of computer-savvy old folks). They think old people are stupid, as if they will never grow old and as if the computer is god.

    • relic

      The scribe number five minus one Brenda Alvarado 885

      What wealth and power? I live alone and it's harder than ever. It would have been beneficial for both of us if we could have supported each other, but I told her I wouldn't put up with her bullying me, treating me like a servant and taking things out on me as an adult like I do have done child. Fuck it all. i stay broke I'd rather live by numbers than live like that ever again. I'd rather work two jobs. I'd rather be homeless.

      By wealth and power, did you mean that these resourceful adults found jobs and marriages that allowed them to escape the abusive adults they were no longer forced to depend on? Was that the day they said to themselves: You know, despite what Mom and Dad said/did to me, I actually AM intelligent and lovely and can walk my own path?

      Because if that brings wealth and power, I missed the memo. Someone forgot to send me the step-by-step instructions.

      • The writer

        RelicaThe ScribenummerfünfminuseinsBrenda Alvarado 885

        Right! You missed it LOL.

RaeWright

• healing heart

  I am so sorry to hear about your horrific ordeal. Doesn't sound like parents who deserve your big heart. I think most parents on this site are trying to reach out to their adult children who cut or find them because of minor issues or just no reasonMoreregardless of their parents' relationship, worries from afar. Nobody is overly needy, only the occasional appreciation. Many of these parents sacrificed and provided a non-violent atmosphere for their children and did their best...for instances of what you have described as your upbringing, your involvement would be understandable. May you find peace in knowing that you are the better person in truth and living well no longer in this world of your childhood. As a kid you didn't have a choice with the chaos, now you have and you can be truly happy.

• Leftnlonely

  I am so sorry. I have no other words. And sorry isn't enough

• tc tip

  RaeWright Having survived both situations, I thank you as a mother for having such a good heart.

  Your mother, like mine, may have been mentally ill long before we put labels on such things.

  My mother was and is pure evil and I never really got to see it. What would I know as her child? We look up to our parents for all the best in the world and never dream that they wouldn't or couldn't deliver. My father was just as bad as her. They were both selfish and egocentric - narcissistic is friendly. Mirrors would have run away for fear of being told they were flawed!

  My mother fell ill with dementia and now lives in her self-made hell. A long time ago, my dad caught a bad case of deadbeat and hasn't made a worthy fatherhood effort since. Whenever I was told all these negative things, verbally abused, or slapped with belts, I immediately went into my defensive mode: “She really loves me.

  She has goodness in her, she loves me and so on and so forth. I felt more like the kid in the litter than the youngest kid.

  "I stopped telling myself those lies of love when I felt safe about being myself and found that being me was okay, flaws and all. Then I said to myself, she's the sick one.

  It turned out that I was right ... .

  So fast forward I had two kids who I love forever. My daughter has issues with me and I'm sure I deserved her as an adult in the room. Now we're both grown up. I know we will communicate in the future. That is good for me. I learn patience for good reasons, no longer bad ones.

  For now, she's living her good life, not "Fight the good fight!" She's seen and heard enough of that as my mother and I fought before her, all words but weapons of destruction nonetheless.

  My mother put the “human” excuse behind her a long, long time ago. I just feel sorry for my father.

  I thank this website for my sanity and my new path in life.

  Please don't let broken people break you.

  Facebook is not your friend. ignore it Clear your mind so your mom won't get free rent anymore.

  When my mom started disconnecting, she said mean, hurtful things to everyone. They weren't spoken because of disruptions in their brains, they were spoken because all the censorship filters had worn out. She really meant what she said, except she didn't care who heard what she had to say. She is mean to everyone, accuses everyone of the worst things, is extremely difficult to take and no one wants her negativity to touch their lives.

  We can only live our own lives as best we can. That's all we have to be accountable for. I hope you know it's not your fault. Give yourself the hugs you so richly deserve. Allow others to be a positive part of your life. It helped me realize that there are so many good people in the world and, oh, now I'm one of them. And so are you! Thank you for being here!

• The writer

  RaeWright Rae, it's time to move on and leave her alone. If I live in the US, I could "adopt" you, LOL, but I live on the other side of the world. It is now Wednesday 24 August 2016 9:50 am while your time on Tuesday 23 August 2016 is 9:50 pm.

  Their pain is REAL, but give them time to come to their senses. Parents do not know what is eating their children and vice versa because there is no real communication. No one wants to talk about the real reasons they are behaving this way because they are afraid it will sound petty, and in most cases the reasons are petty. That is why the world is at war. People cannot shed their pettiness.

• Spirited lady

  RaeWright Rae, your life story is very sad. Unfortunately, this type of treatment happens to many children. You're not alone. Unfortunately, your parents are incapable of loving. And their behavior does not even correspond to the usual decency. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. You are a child of GodMoreand God loves you. Please allow yourself to mourn the childhood you never had and move on with your life. You must forget the possibility of a loving relationship with your parents. It's okay to cry your eyes out. It is sad. But you have to live the reality of who they are. You need to talk to the little girl in you and tell her you're sorry for how she was treated. Tell her that you are grown now and you will take care of her. Look for friendly and happy people and spend your time with them. I love the saying, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." You can give that to yourself. Be your own best friend. Your parents are not worth a second thought. There are other hurting people all around you who would like to have the warmth and caring that you focus on your parents. Look for people who are appreciative. God will open doors and bless you.

• Lydia Alexandra

  RaeWright Stop torturing yourself, when things are the way they are they will never get better. My mother kept telling me throughout my childhood how she wished I had never been born. She hit me, spat on me, and pulled my hair so many times that I had spots. My father then hit on me for upsetting my mother. I came home from school 20 minutes late because I missed my tram after having to stay behind with others to put away the sports equipment - when she got home she grabbed me and brutally beat me and called me a Prostitute, I had enough and that evening I took all my father's heart pills and ended up on the cardiograph. When I recovered I got a belt for upsetting my mother. It was my mother who took me there. My father wanted peace at home at all costs, so mother was always right. When I left at 19, she turned on him, divorced him, and the church fired him. He died a broken man.

  A kind friend who is a historian and retired Oxford History Professor offered to find out where my family is from and where they are from. He was surprised when I said - and meant it - I don't care at all. They'll both be passed on and you'd think that would be the end. I try hard to push childhood memories out of my head, but they come back in my dreams. Your photo shows a young face, so don't waste your years being loved, learn to love yourself and me, your own best friend.

  When home life is so toxic, you constantly need to untie and leave. They will totally destroy you. I became a mother and gave everything of myself to my son, never hit him or abused him. He had a first class private education from 2 to varsity. I gave too much of myself because I received so little as a child. The result is that when my son has met someone, he has now completely left me and never calls. I'm now trying to crawl out of the dark lonely existence and at 68 it's not easy as I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with what is a tremendous loss to me. But don't stay where you are, it's not getting better, so don't expect miracles. You have to go out there and make your own life the best it can be.

  I wish you warmth and love, Lydia

• number five minus one

  RaeWright

  sorry rae This article and most of the posts are intended for parents. But that's IMHO about being cheated, whether it's the parent or the child being cheated. They describe a horrific childhood and continued abuse to you as an adult. my heart aches for you You didn't deserve this, you didn't deserve this. I want to reach out and hug you. So many of us, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, who just don't understand why we aren't good enough to be loved. Of course we all are, but when family treats you like you're not, it only leaves us so hurt and empty. My mother was very similar to your mother. I've posted how I think the family cycle of abuse continues. A child is brought up abused. This child tries to raise his/her children with everything extra to make them feel loved. This child becomes selfish and narcissistic and raises their children in a cold and abusive manner. The cycle is then repeated over and over again, each generation almost guaranteeing alienation for the next generation.

  Please don't be put off by the parent-focused article. We as mothers and fathers can give you support. We want you to be happy. We wish we had raised our children as kind and loving as you seem. Wishing you happiness and love, we are deeply upset that you are not receiving it. Come to my house, RaeWright, and I will wipe away your tears, run you a bath, and light candles in the bedroom where you will sleep. I will have candles lit and I hope you are enjoying the high speed internet while texting your friends and keeping up with the latest shows. I'll prepare your favorite food for you and smile from ear to ear if you like it. If you tell me you're going out with your friends, I'll ask if you need my credit card. I am so happy that you are here with me and share your life with me. I as a parent am just like you as a grown child. I just want to be seen and loved. We are soul mates. I wish you the best.

  • The writer

    numberfiveminusoneRaeWright I am touched by your kind reply to Rae.

    I particularly like this "...IMHO alienation is about being cheated on, whether it's parents or children being cheated on." In fact, it IS treason of the worst kind.

    You may not have done it yet, but threats are just as bad. Children used to be afraid of being chased away by strict parents. Today's young adults bully their parents by threatening to cut them off. They've found a weapon to keep their parents "in check," which really means they know such threats put them in control of their parents.

    • Spirited lady

      The ScribenumberfiveminusoneRaeWright What is IMHO?

      • The writer

        Spirited LadyThe writer's number five minus oneRaeWright LOL means "in my honest opinion". Today, many SMS users on HP use many short forms that sometimes only the typist knows. You can google to find out what such short forms and internet slang words mean. There's the urban dictionary to explain thatMoremodern meanings of many words carrying new meanings and "new" words coined by today's intelligent young people who think they are so smart e.g. B. Skinship LOL. Such a word does not exist in the English language, but it means intimacy. There are many, many newly coined words that look funny. Take a look at the city dictionary.

      • Spirited lady

        The ScribeSpirited LadynumberfiveminusoneRaeWright I wanted to make sure I didn't miss any important information because I don't believe it is a betrayal for an adult child to cut off contact with a parent. A betrayal is doing something morally wrong—exposing someone to an enemy or breaking a contract. in theMoreThere is no contract in Western culture that says adult children are to care for their parents. In fact, we have retirement benefits, Social Security, health care, and many other benefits precisely because we recognize that many adult children lack the resources and others lack the willingness to care for aging parents. Abandonment yes, but treachery no. Young people have many reasons for separating from their parents. In some cases it is a wise decision. In others, it is a concession to a spouse. In still others, the adult child has become involved with drugs and has lost all sense of direction. And there are probably more variations. The bottom line is that they have the right to make decisions about their own lives. It's up to us to judge as best we can if and how we can reach them. And at what point do we have to pull back and just wait for them to reconsider their decisions. Most of them actually visit their parents at some point. What we have control over is what they find when that happens.

purple lace

• GingerMayor

  Violetlace, thank you for saying you want me to be your daughter. I agree with your last comment about moving on with our lives and not letting this rift control our minds. I think at some point we just have to let it be and focus on what we have in our lives that makes us happy. I assume your comment about my sister's jealousy is correct as I cannot find any other explanation for her continued behavior. As for my parents, I don't think I'll ever understand their perspective.

  A ray of sunshine came into my life 4 years ago when a longtime friend of my mother's took me aside and told me she thinks I've been "overlooked" and that she supports me and that I'm not alone. She has accompanied the family for 30 years and knows the personalities. She then calls me once or twice a year just to chat and continues to be a bright light in my life.

  I also agree with you that families in conflict situations do not seem to want to find a solution. I am so impressed with the parents on this site because they feel they are looking for answers and open to solutions.

• The writer

  Violet Lace Dear Violet Lace,

  You don't have to feel guilty. You don't have to blame yourself. Your son doesn't want to share his life with you for reasons only he knows best. He wants to live in isolation. Read what *fünfminusone* wrote to me here and you will understand why some young adults behave the way they do. She explained it very clearly and used Erik Erikson's theory about young adults to illustrate her arguments. This behavior has become a cancer among young adults today, even in traditional cultures like mine, especially among us overseas Chinese. In mainland China and Chinese Taiwan, the situation has not yet become a scourge compared to what we overseas Chinese are experiencing.

  Watch some Chinese and Taiwanese made romance drama or comedy online (there's plenty on YouTube f.o.c.) to see how much Mainland and Taiwanese people value family and their elders (even those unfamiliar with the family). family or blood related). ... In most cases they will not be unkind to the elders. The art reflects real life, so I won't say such an attitude is excessive in modern China/Taiwan). You will enjoy such dramas that attach great importance to family, elders in a family and the relationship between children and parents. The children may leave upset because many parents try to exercise complete control over their lives, but eventually parents and children will come to a compromise. Parents will realize that they can't dictate anything to their children (and in many cases organize their lives for them, even to the point of trying to force them to marry partners of their choice), or they will lose them and the children will learn that they must show their parents what we call filial piety. Parents are very fortunate when their children are childlike - care for them, take care of them, show them kindness, care for them when they are sick, give them some money even if they are multi-millionaires and above all they share their lives with their parents. Wishing you all the best.

  • The writer

    I forgot to add that many of these serial dramas (in episodic form but some are full length movies) have subtitles in English and many other languages ​​in case you don't understand Mandarin Chinese. I understand that many Americans don't like subtitles (that's why we see Jacky Chan speaking his Hong KongMoreEnglish in his Rush Hour movies) as it's difficult to read and look at the screen at the same time, but we have to be practical. If you don't read you won't fully appreciate the show. I'm used to subtitles because my country subtitles every American/English, Chinese, Indian broadcast in Malay (only when Malay is spoken there are no subtitles), and even if I understand the spoken language, I've already formed the habit, read the subtitles.

GingerMayor

• number five minus one

  GingerMayor

  You sound like a wonderful daughter and I'm sure many parents on this site would be so fortunate to have the time, attention, love and dedication that you show your parents. I hope there are other people in your life who appreciate your kindness. If not, please take time to take care of yourself and give yourself some of the kindness and support you give to others.

  • GingerMayor

    numberfiveminusoneGingerMaynor Thank you for your reply. It lets me know I'm not invisible. I don't get affirmative answers from my parents about most things I do. I know I never will. When my mind starts to go down the bad path that my parents' criticism leads me to, that's when I startMoreneed to be conscious to refocus on happier relationships. I am grateful for my wonderful husband of 15 years and a childhood friend who do not give me the acceptance of my parents. I don't have many others and this world isn't perfect. I like your comment about giving myself kindness and support and I try to do a little bit of that every day. I hope you do the same for yourself. You seem to be a great mom - I can tell from your replies posted elsewhere on this site. I wish there was a place where we could all meet in person as a support group and share a warm cup of coffee and some chocolate!

    • Spirited lady

      GingerMaynornumberfiveminusone It sounds like you're doing just fine with your life. Pat yourself on the back for getting through it all... and that goes for all those who, despite unhappy childhoods, have built a positive life for themselves. It takes work, but it's worth it. I agree with thatMoreI would be happy if everyone would meet. I will carry this vision in my head. I drink tea and eat a scone with it.

The writer

• Leftnlonely

  Please explain that to me too @leftnlonley

  • The writer

    Leftnlonely " Hallo Leftnlonely,

    Below I copy the very clear answer from number five minus one, which is self-explanatory. If you need further explanation, please contact me again. I've highlighted everything I think you should take a close look at.

    Here goes :-

    "Write, you asked a question, so I'll try to answer what I think is true. During young adulthood, psychologist Erik Erikson referred to this phase as intimacy vs. isolation. From their 20's to late 30's some of our adult children will try to establish intimate relationships such as marriage. You are willing to isolate yourself at this stage. That is, if they feel that their closeness or conflict with a parent might get in the way of building that intimate relationship, they are willing to distance themselves. Even estranging themselves from their parents. I think it goes one step further. If you raised a narcissist, that narcissist may want to portray themselves in a way that isn't entirely true. Having a family around them that may differ from the narrative they created can be threatening. It seems that many of us have been too close (and perhaps aware of their weaknesses) to our adult children, and they might be perceive as a threat as they need to develop their own identity and family urse extreme when the need to cut off parents or other family members arises. This can be due to selfishness or insecurity. If you're a narcissist, you've adopted a character that you want to portray. If they are insecure, they may try to be who they want to be.

    As some young adults navigate this stage, they may develop maturity and attempt to "fix" a relationship. As you have already mentioned, the relationship with the parents could have been very damaged. The young adult may be confused and take no blame for coming back expecting the relationship to be the way he left it. The parent most likely lost trust after the alienation and is unwilling to trust again. Parents can also reflect that when they put their adult child's needs ahead of their own and stop trusting them, their life without the adult child is less complicated and more rewarding. They may find it good to know that volunteering is rewarding and more generous in caring for themselves and/or their spouse. For example, I am still extremely hurt and have only been in the estrangement for about a month. But I have an extra 1,000 in my bank account (since I no longer pay for many of my daughter's expenses) and a lot more free time since I'm not cleaning her house, doing her laundry, or listening to her many thoughts. I now have time to volunteer, eat out, make new friends, and travel to places I've always wanted to visit. I learn about myself away from my daughter. My husband and I experience a new level of intimacy because only "we" understand how much this hurts and we go through this pain together. As partners, we have become a stronger unit than "mother and father".

    It's also a time to think about other things that are wrong in the relationship with your adult child that you may not have seen when you were too close. For example, my daughter was always happy to point out that everyone loves her more than me. This even affected the dogs. She would ask that we take them to another room and then have someone open the door to see who they got to first. She always wanted to be the first. Or that my grandchild (her niece) would love her more because she was "young" and more related to her than I do. I didn't realize how humiliating this was for me until we became estranged.

    I don't believe for a minute that my grown child owes me anything for the sacrifices her father and I made for her. She didn't ask me to bear her or ask me to be a good parent to her. It was my pleasure from the first moment I saw her. But now I demand respect, honesty and kindness from anyone who wants to have a close relationship with me. Unfortunately, she hasn't engaged in that type of behavior, so I won't be ready to visit anytime soon."

    From the above explanation, it seems that today's young adults are mired in self-conflict. It used to be so easy to be a young adult when we were young because we didn't have a choice. When your in-laws or your spouse's siblings annoy you/irritate/prompt you, you just have to put up with things. It never occurred to us to cut off a despicable or mean relative.

    • healing heart

      I love this so positive and forward-thinking approach. Especially the last sentence, generation x just lost family values ​​and distance is their only solution. But taking care of ourselves, increasing closeness and intimacy with spouse, having more money in the bank....just living our own lives is so trueMoreand worthwhile vs. being ready to sacrifice on demand!

      • Leftnlonely

        This is very well put and 100% right on the money. Leftnlonely.

• NL mother

  The writer

  They appear out of the blue like nothing happened because they can't face what they've done. It takes a very big person to admit they're wrong. Or they hope that what was driving them has changed and they tentatively attempt to reconnect without addressing the issue.

  The parents who are/were estranged would be shocked at any attempt to communicate and any attempt to avoid anything that would drive the child away again. Tiptoeing on eggshells, I imagine. I can't imagine how I would react if my son approached me...I hope I could sound positive but not overdone, but in reality I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. He hurt me and I won't put myself in a situation where I dwell on him all the time and cry all the time. It's been a long time coming back to being myself and there is a semblance of happiness in my life. I can't give him the ability to hurt me anymore.

• number five minus one

  The writer

  Write, you asked a question, so I'll try to answer what I think is true. During young adulthood, psychologist Erik Erikson referred to this phase as intimacy vs. isolation. From their 20s through their late 30s, some of our adult children will seek intimate relationships such as marriage. You are willing to isolate yourself at this stage. That is, if they feel that their closeness or conflict with a parent might get in the way of building that intimate relationship, they are willing to distance themselves. They even become estranged from their parents. I think it goes one step further. If you raised a narcissist, that narcissist may want to portray themselves in a way that isn't entirely true. Having a family around that may differ from the narrative they created can threaten them. It seems that many of us have been too close to our adult children (and may know their weaknesses) and they may perceive this as a threat as they need to develop their own identities and families. Of course, this is extreme when there is a need to cut off the parents or other family members. This can be due to selfishness or insecurity. If you're a narcissist, you've adopted a character that you want to portray. If they are insecure, they may try to be who they want to be.

  As some young adults navigate this stage, they may develop maturity and attempt to "fix" a relationship. As you have already mentioned, the relationship with the parents could have been very damaged. The young adult may be confused and take no blame for coming back expecting the relationship to be the way he left it. The parent most likely lost trust after the alienation and is unwilling to trust again. Parents can also reflect that when they put their adult child's needs ahead of their own and stop trusting them, their life without the adult child is less complicated and more rewarding. They may find it good to know that volunteering is rewarding and more generous in caring for themselves and/or their spouse. For example, I am still extremely hurt and have only been in the estrangement for about a month. But I have an extra 1,000 in my bank account (since I no longer pay for many of my daughter's expenses) and a lot more free time since I'm not cleaning her house, doing her laundry, or listening to her many thoughts. I now have time to volunteer, eat out, make new friends, and travel to places I've always wanted to visit. I learn about myself away from my daughter. My husband and I experience a new level of intimacy because only "we" understand how much this hurts and we go through this pain together. As partners, we have become a stronger unit than "mother and father".

  It's also a time to think about other things that are wrong in the relationship with your adult child that you may not have seen when you were too close. For example, my daughter was always happy to point out that everyone loves her more than me. This even affected the dogs. She would ask that we take them to another room and then have someone open the door to see who they got to first. She always wanted to be the first. Or that my grandchild (her niece) would love her more because she was "young" and more related to her than I do. I didn't realize how humiliating this was for me until we became estranged.

  I don't believe for a minute that my grown child owes me anything for the sacrifices her father and I made for her. She didn't ask me to bear her or ask me to be a good parent to her. It was my pleasure from the first moment I saw her. But now I demand respect, honesty and kindness from anyone who wants to have a close relationship with me. Unfortunately, she hasn't engaged in this type of behavior, so I won't be ready to visit anytime soon.

  • The writer

    numberfiveminusoneThe Scribe Thank you for taking the time and effort to explain it to me so clearly. I read Erik Erikson, the American psychologist, but couldn't remember what he said about young adulthood. In the old days you married a whole family and there was no opportunity to openly show intimacy, but not today. I speak as an Oriental/Easterner but today our boys are becoming very western and showing affection in the presence of their elders. The influence of the internet has been particularly strong in the last 2 decades, even more so than television. Today we hear young people all over cyberspace simply spelling out/writing the four letter word. We don't swear that way, so times have actually changed very drastically for us here and we need to reassess our values ​​in order to survive our youth.

    I think as a parent you should "know" how to find a happy balance. There is a saying that raising a child is like flying a kite. How much of the cord should you release and when should you pull it back. If you let go too much you could lose the kite. Likewise, if you hold it too tightly, the cord could snap and you'll still lose it. So, flying a kite is a skill that we learn over time. This parent-child dichotomy has never been more apparent than it is today in the East. What began ten years ago in the West is slowly but surely becoming a “disease” here today.

    I agree with your last paragraph when you wrote "I demand respect, honesty and kindness towards anyone who wishes to have a close relationship with me". This has always been the case with the people of the East because we have always believed in filial reverence and treating our elders that way. Today, however, the social landscape has changed so much that it is unrecognizable. It's sad but looking west is the trend and wholeheartedly embraced as it is perceived as "progress" LOL. Whatever I think, parents and elders should demand nothing less than "respect, honesty, and kindness to anyone who wishes to have a close relationship with them." Bravo!!! Young people should also reconsider their values. Even if they owe nothing to the world, they should behave with respect to parents and elders. TQVM.

    • Spirited lady

      The Scribe Number Five Minusone I love the dragon analogy. That is exactly right. And nobody does it perfectly. It takes time and practice. Yes, relationships change, but applying Western behaviors to Eastern culture is devastating. We have Social Security and Medicare, so we're not dependent on the younger generation. in theMoreThe parents of the early years are still working and often have much more money than the young people. Our children can walk away knowing that we have the resources to live well and a satisfying lifestyle. I know my son is struggling to establish what we already have and it's more difficult for his generation because there aren't the same retirement plans and job security now that our generation had. I think it's different in the east. We volunteered in China for 5 weeks in 2008 and I could see many differences in our cultures and also how the traditional culture was breaking down. In particular, it wasn't the children who helped out on the farms. And no benefits for the elderly. There is also little medical care available. This is a very difficult situation.

      • The writer

        Spirited LadyThe Scribenumberfiveminusone Indeed it is a very difficult situation in China (I have only been there twice for a total of 25 days, only in 1992 and 2008, so you would know better since you have lived there 5 years) now because they one had child politics for decades. Looks like they're relaxing the rules a bit. Farming families secretly had more than one child anyway, because sons are needed for work on the farms. Nowadays, young adults are leaving their rural homes for the city, leaving the elderly, despite having two or more children, eventually to fend for themselves. It seems that the Chinese government has enacted legislation that not only does a child have to visit their parents a certain number of times a year, but they also have to support the parents financially.

        In Singapore, if a parent reports a child for neglect, the law can force the child to do so. Force is not good. I am Han Chinese but I live in one of the Southeast Asian countries. Free, good quality medical care isn't a problem here, but if you don't have a pension or assets from the business then old age could pose a major challenge as many young adults struggle to build a life for themselves. They find it difficult to support their parents financially. Both spouses could be high income graduates but times are very challenging with rampant government corruption and other types of public sector mismanagement. Even parents who are financially independent are somehow neglected by their busy, struggling children.

        What you wrote about applying western behaviors/attitudes to eastern culture is so true. It's not just devastating. It is very damaging to the whole social fabric of our society, but the youth fail to see the havoc and destruction that an alien culture will wreak on the long-held traditions and practices of the East. We could only watch helplessly as our boys warmly embraced all that was western, through Asia to Mongolia. It is only now that we are experiencing parent-child alienation/shunning and whatnot that the Y-Gen dared to think of. The only country on earth that is not badly affected today might be Bhutan at the foot of the Himalayas. It is the only country on earth that uses happiness rather than wealth as a barometer to measure the nation's health.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        The ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone How incredibly interested that from many cultures we share our situations and circumstances. I find the information about China etc. incredibly interesting. I love your last sentence. Bhutan on the palate of the Himalayas is the only country on earth that uses happiness and not wealth as suchMorea barometer to measure the health of the nation. Great. hello and thank you

      • The writer

        Lydia AlexandraThe ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone Dear Madam,

        Thank you for your nice words. Although I am Han Chinese and have spoken to Spirited Lady about China, I live outside of China. I am what you call overseas Chinese. I am not a citizen of China.

        Only our cultures are different, but we all share the same feelings and concerns. It is good that we can gather here and peacefully discuss an issue that is a thorn in the side of today's elderly.

        If I have the opportunity and the money, Bhutan would be a country I would like to see. The country controls the annual number of tourists to protect the environment. The government has already introduced a daily tax for tourists. It's expensive as the levy is in USD. For example, imagine you are from Taiwan, where USD 1 is about NT$ 30. If the levy is USD 100 per day, a Taiwanese would have to pay the equivalent of NT$ 3,000. You must be a rich Taiwanese to visit Bhutan for a week. Bhutan's young king is American educated and a benevolent king. He is very concerned for the happiness of his people. When a country is well run with minimal corruption, it is easy for citizens to be happy. Buddhism is the official religion and you can be imprisoned for preaching/trying to convert a Bhutanese to another religion

      • The writer

        Spirited LadyNumber fiveminusone Sorry, dear lady. I misread. You were in China for 5 weeks, not 5 years. But during these 5 weeks you lived among the people, so to speak. The situation across Asia is deteriorating in terms of parent-child relationships. With the current world economic scenario andMoreWidespread corruption in Asian and African countries makes it difficult for young people to take care of their elders, even when they are children.

      • Spirited lady

        The ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone Yes, we lived in a beautiful country village and taught English orally to middle school English teachers. We had a wonderful time with these young teachers. They were mostly women, so they took care of their families and came to class with us. A handful invited usMoreto their home or, in some cases, their parents' home for refreshments or a meal. They were very hospitable and generous to us...nice people. One took us to her family farm to meet her 92 year old grandmother. She said she wanted her grandmother to know she had lived long enough to meet a foreigner. In another case, the teacher lived in another village and stayed with her parents during the week so that she could attend our classes. Some of the others were visited by their parents. So we saw close family ties. For the harvest, the villagers went to the farms to help. But it's all a challenge. On the other hand, traditional ways also had challenges. We must not forget that sometimes parents were abusive and children had no choice. There are no perfect solutions. All cultures can be abused. According to studies, countries with low levels of corruption and high social benefits create the greatest sense of happiness and security. These are Belgium, Denmark, Norway, Sweden. But as a Christian, I hold to the idea that God is present in all of our challenges, caring for us and slowly moving us toward greater justice and peace. The Buddhist idea of ​​peace through detachment seems to offer a similar comfort. I think it's about thinking long term and staying hopeful, always looking forward to a better tomorrow but living today in a way that is kind and generous to both ourselves and others.

      • The writer

        Spirited LadyThe Scribenumberfiveminusone The Chinese in China learn their English from the Americans. You learned well and quickly. When I first went there in 1992, very few Chinese could speak English, but when I went back in 2008, I was able to communicate with many young Chinese in English. I learned mine from the Irish. I can't spell without the "u" - words like behavior, taste, port, neighbor LOL when I see words that don't have a "u" it annoys me. It's my British English heritage. I feel uncomfortable listening to the Chinese version of Mandarin Chinese. Almost all young Chinese cannot speak Chinese dialects. The Mandarin Chinese spoken by all Chinese, even the very, very old, is not a Chinese language, while the Chinese dialects are Chinese languages. Mandarin belonged to the Manchus who colonized China from 1644-1911.

        You may have been the first white person the 92-year-old, who lives in a village in China, has ever seen LOL. If you were blonde with blue eyes and went to China or India 300 years ago, they might think you are a goddess (you may have read Rudyard Kipling's book The Man Who Would Be King).

        Yes, traditions can be abusive. Man can be a slave to tradition if he blindly adheres to tradition, as not every practice is good or beneficial. My paternal grandfather grew up in China but immigrated to British Malaya when he was about 20 years old. He verbally abused his wife, daughters, granddaughters (his sons' children) and even his daughters-in-law. He had no relationship with his daughters' children and sons-in-law as they were considered "outside" the family. Sons and sons' children and daughters-in-law were considered "within" the family. It is still practiced by the Chinese today, even by overseas Chinese, but girls are now getting higher education and are better off. Traditionally, women have often been abused. Confucius taught about filial piety, but he also had a distorted attitude towards the female gender, such that whenever Confucianism was popular with the ruling emperor, women had a hard time and legalism (hard rule of law) was practiced.

        A true episode shows very clearly my paternal grandfather's distorted attitude towards women. When my father was a child, his paternal grandmother from China visited my grandfather in what was then British Malaya. A circus came to town. The roads from one town to the next weren't paved in the 1930s, so they were just dirt roads. Transportation was mostly on foot or by bicycle. The circus troupe led the animals through the village to get to the next town. My paternal great-grandmother had never seen an elephant or a tiger in her life, although China has such animals. She was so scared that she caught a fever. Instead of being sympathetic, my grandfather scolded his elderly mother for being stupid. He was even "abusive" towards his own mother. The only way we can overcome this kind of abuse is through Western education. On the other hand, it is Western education that has devastated traditional life in the East today. We face a dilemma LOL. I had never felt any moral conflict even though the upbringing I received was 100% western (my values ​​were traditional + catholic universal values) but the young adults today are full of conflicts even though some of them have had a traditional one for 6 years have received chinese education in elementary school.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        Spirited LadyThe ScribeNumberfiveminusone Many years ago I remember someone telling me that in Denmark, Norway and Sweden children sleep with their parents up to about the age of 7 and these countries have the lowest juvenile crime rates in the world.

  • Lydia Alexandra

    numberfiveminusoneThe Scribe I envy your incredible strength of character. Can you give me an idea why my son who has a law degree from Oxford and has had private education for 2 and a half years, primary school, high school and college for 4 years (his choice of where he did it ). 5 academic subjects and then chose which one I want to graduate from) then a 3 year degree and a law degree, turned to me with his degree in hand and to the amazement of other parents said this is for you mom 'Cause without you I wouldn't be standing here He now has a living wife from a family where dad had trouble holding his zipper and left the house and mom turned to the bottle where she now suffers from blindness. It's his first serious relationship at 32, so a slow starter. She has no conversational level, I have no idea what the common denominator is - but I'm out of the picture. His choice, not mine. I am amazed. I was diagnosed today with inflammation of the colon which is stress related as I am having trouble keeping food down.

    My son has never asked for any money (although it was my decision to give him my inheritance as I had a toxic and abusive childhood and didn't want the payout) is very close in his position at work and in his personal life. He has many friends, he is well respected by work colleagues and he has excellent references from school in his work area when he moves from one department to another. Because I raised him alone, that's why I feel so incredibly empty. I prayed daily for him to meet someone as I didn't want him to feel the loss of my death so I really wanted him to have someone in his life and I told him that often. I'm just not a part of his life anymore it seems. At 68, it hit me hard.

    • number five minus one

      Lydia AlexandranNumber five minus oneThe clerk

      Lydia, was your question addressed to me or the scribe? If it wasn't me, I apologize for my answer. Every relationship is unique, so I can only offer possible answers. It seems that very close relationships between parents and children can become "entangled". Here we are very closely connected, sharing common personality traits and views on life and "understanding" each other. We're super close and the lines can blur for parent and child together, or for one or the other. This becomes an issue IMHO when the parent or child is clingy and needy. Or when the adult child or parent cannot allow distance to the other. For example, it is normal for a grown child to take a spouse and start "his" family. But it's not normal to cut close parents or family members out of your life or "throw them off" as they make the transition to this stage. Why do they do that?

      Possible reasons are low self-esteem, fear of rejection, immaturity, different value systems or control problems. For example, an adult child who has recently experienced rejection from a romantic partner may choose to prove that partner wrong. You can choose to covet what was dear to that ex-partner and "win" by showing them they've exceeded their goals. More specifically, if that former partner valued money, beauty, status, partying, whatever it was, they will make them one to regain their self-esteem. It's an ego trip and they don't let anyone (not even mom or dad) get in their way. The root problem is insecurity or narcissism. They may choose to embrace a value system that is not their norm and does not allow anyone to be a moral compass to find a cure for their ego injury. You can choose a new value system to alleviate an ego injury. They may not have developed a healthy identity and are influenced by their feelings of rejection.

      For others, they may fear disapproval from parents who get in their way. They know that they love their parents and that their parents' opinion will be of great value. If you think your parent won't agree, remove the parent from your life. They are willing to destroy relationships to achieve intimacy. This is not a healthy way to go about things and will lead to further isolation later.

      Or the parents have an unrealistic idea of ​​the relationship they had with their child. For example, the narcissistic parents who genuinely believed that everything is fine in the world while throwing their child down with their wants or needs. The adult child really needs to flee to find himself. They weren't able to do it when they were young, so they do it as a young adult when they have better tools.

      From what you described with your son (32 years old and a slow learner), I wonder if he isolated himself from a woman he fell in love with out of feelings or rejection. Now that he's ready to be intimate again, he fears renewed rejection. He puts his whole heart and soul into this new relationship and is willing to destroy a close relationship with you so that he can give this new relationship his "everything" in the hopes that he will achieve true intimacy. Somewhere along the line (please forgive me for saying this) something has gone wrong with his relationships with women, and I suspect earlier rejection. If so, my dear, you are collateral damage for him to gain intimacy. You must take care of yourself. Your gut is inflamed from stress. Now is the time to learn more about yourself and take care of yourself.

      Also, keep a close eye on your adult child for substance abuse/alcohol issues. My adult child, by her own words and by her actions, was very happy with her life. She fell in love with a man who abused RX drugs. She started taking ADHD medication during the day (she doesn't have ADHD) and started drinking alcohol at night to "relax" like him. She suffered an ego injury (perhaps for the first time in her life) and takes a drug that acts as an amphetamine. She needs alcohol at night to counteract sleep. With that, she left her fiancé and had her new love at home that evening. So there are issues with her character that I have ignored and perhaps contributed to by my unwavering support of my adult child. Parents do not have the only influence on their child's life.

      I want to say that again. Parents are not the only influence in a child's life. As the child grows up, they will be influenced not only by their parents, but also by their genetics, peers, employees, company culture and experiences. As parents, we always want to reflect on how we failed our grown children. In the anger phase of grief, we want to blame them. But more often than not, we're looking for an answer to how the heck things got so bad so quickly. And we may never know. Our grown children have their secrets just like we have ours. We may never know why.

      In the end I think that's true. Love your adult children. Hope and pray that with or without us they are happy and fulfilled. But please expect them to treat you with the kindness and respect they would treat a colleague, boss, neighbor or friend. You deserve it as a parent.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        numberfiveminusoneLydia AlexandraThe Scribe My question was for anyone who wanted to give me some insight as to why this suddenly happened. I have read your answer and am amazed by your broad understanding and knowledge. May I ask if you studied psychology at any level or are just incredibly well read and if so where can I get that knowledge too?

        You're right, our kids have secrets, and there's a chance my son was rejected by a woman at some point, although I don't know. When he left home and bought an apartment, I saw him weekly and nothing was said or discussed about relationships. He then sold his apartment and another rental he had rented out and bought the house he now lives in. Had the whole condo rewired, new windows, replastered, and now has additions to the back with builders. He's busy. Now he and his partner live in one room, only 10% of his clothes are at my house.

        I called a while ago when his partner had her wisdom teeth pulled when she was 24. I said that maybe for that reason he could buy her a mouthwash (not the regular mouthwash) because when I got mine done when I was 23 you can't brush your teeth but you have to keep your mouth infection free and clean . I figured with a class he has to drop out of by the end of the year, all the hustle and bustle of his house, long hours and partner moved in, that's the last thing on his mind. I also said that as he is considering renting the upstairs while he and his partner live downstairs once construction is complete, he needs to be aware that having male tenants can be a problem as she works shifts. Imagine that he is away for the day, she sleeps during the day, and a guy decides to create trouble. After all, they are not family, but complete strangers. He went absolutely nuts and yelled at me “stop organizing”, anything that needed to be addressed.

        I was shocked at the anger he poured out on me. That was the first time I saw this behavior and over time he became totally distant. My mother told me on her deathbed that as a mother she was very poor. Aside from the mental, physical, and emotional abuse I endured almost daily from my mother with a father, a pastor, who the other day seemed like I had no warmth, demonstrative affection, kindness - whatever. I once heard my son say to his friend who was staying overnight as my location was an easy link to their destination, my mum is very mothering (as I cooked them breakfast and packed food for their trip) which I find normal. My son's friend had lost his mother when he was young and expressed surprise that I was taking care of it. I always had friends of my sons over for visits or for birthdays etc. and I would take anyone and everyone home as I thought it was a decent thing to do. I would ask my boy to escort her to her front door. That was during the high school years, not when he was working.

        You can see from this that I was very involved in everything that needed to be done concerning my son. He's away from home, that's ok, although sometimes he asked if I could pick them all up from the airport as the flight was late and they had no way of getting home as the public transport had stopped. No problem.

        Maybe I was too involved, although I never pushed, nor was I curious. I would always say - if you want me to help, just say so and leave it like that.

      • number five minus one

        Lydia AlexandranNumber five minus oneThe clerk

        I only studied psychology at the basic level for my job. My mother and sister cutting ties with me (and almost everyone else in the family) prompted me to seek answers. I was fortunate to have access to a university library for research articles. I've poured over thousands of them. I also have friends (doctors and nurses) who work in mental health and addiction medicine. I could bounce ideas off them. The most valuable resource I have found is my husband speaking from his "gut". Uncanny how accurate he was. He is very observant of human nature.

        I am very sorry that your son saw your concern for his partner as "too organized". I believe your suggestions were valid and made with love.

      • Spirited lady

        numberfiveminusoneLydia AlexandraThe Scribe Thank you for your wise and informative posts. I believe my son fits your description that he is struggling to find a suitable partner and is willing to cut us out of his life to accommodate his wife and her lifestyle. We're not particularly judgmental, thoughMoreThey have a countercultural lifestyle that would be difficult for us to approximate. Seeing her at our family reunion every three years is the only thing we're allowed to do, other than sending gifts. I don't think my son and I were involved, but we were struggling to stabilize our adult relationship when he got engaged. I think she thinks she would protect him from me. And isolation is a pattern in her family. She has no contact with her family, which they prefer as they don't accept my son. I think her father expected to control her life. So self-isolating seems like a good solution, at least for them. His knee-jerk reactions to proposed plans were always positive, but then the answer from her was no. He gives us a lot to be with her. But they share the same lifestyle, same friends etc. and now that there are two children he will never leave him. I think accepting the situation is the only way I can bless him. And that's the only way I can avoid hurting my feelings even more. My son is sensitive and we were close hence the difficulty on both ends breaking away. But I'm allowed to send gifts, and that's more than some of my friends are allowed who I know weren't involved with their children. I was told sizes and wishes and occasionally thanked. But I think the harder it becomes for my son to endure this separation, the less communicative he becomes. And I think that happened to my friends' sons too. My son said, "That's all that's going to work with my family." And of course he means his wife, because the children are small children.

      • The writer

        NumberfiveminusoneLydia AlexandraThe scribe I'm sure Lydia addressed her question to you. Thank you for such a comprehensive answer. You seem very aware of this whole complicated subject. My friends used to say that children after 20 are more emotionally and mentally stable and secure. But when I look at/read young adults today, I think they still face all sorts of dangers up until their 30s. That's because there are so many influences around them.

        I find your paragraphs 2-5 so insightful. Thank you very much.

    • Spirited lady

      Lydia AlexandranNumber five minus one The scribbler reading about your son who said his diploma is for you, I think he will come back. He needs some time. This young man was apparently more academic than social and now he will learn hard lessons. Keep praying for him and his life. he ventured outMorewhat is good. Give him some time to figure things out.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        Spirited LadyLydia AlexandranNumber five minus onesThe Scribe Thank you for taking the time to reply, much appreciated. X

The writer

LLWright

• number five minus one

  LLWright I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, it's devastating and emotional. It will take time to process your feelings, so take your time. The loss of your grandson must be particularly hard for you and once again I am so sorry. My loss was fresh, just like yours.MoreToday is the first day that I feel like myself again, albeit a little sad. I wish you a “good day” very soon. I've found that exercise helps and my husband and I have pushed ourselves to get out even though it's hard. You are not alone here as Lydia, Spirited Lady, I and others have experienced your pain. Hold on.

• Spirited lady

  LLWright I understand your devastation, but you are making this more emotionally traumatic than it needs to be. You have not lost your daughter or grandson. You just can't have any contact with them right now. You don't go through all the stages of grief in lessMorethan a month. Yes, you can feel all the emotions, but stages take much longer...years really. You would do well to wait and let things cool down. This young couple needs some time to get a reality check. If it's as bad as you and your parents think it is, your daughter will be home with you soon. When that happens you have to tell her that you were fine without her living with you but it was awful not having contact with her and your grandson. Your feelings are not your responsibility. She has a right to her own life. And she needs to find out what this young man is all about if he doesn't have to compete with her family. Consider this your wise experiment. Because if he doesn't turn out to be the person she hopes to be, she will be able to get on with her life without him. Luckily you were very smart and left the door open. This could very well be the step in the right direction needed to break the impasse. My advice is to pray for a good outcome. God's plans for your daughter are far greater than we can imagine. Make your prayer a prayer of trust in God's providence. And do you know that there are thousands of other moms out there having similar experiences... and worse. Trust your daughter to know she is loved and that help is just a text message away.

  • LLWright

    Spirited LadyLLWright Thank you. I totally agree. It makes my aging parents do this. You just can't stop contacting them. I will continue to discuss with them. I put it in God's hands because it was too much for me to handle. I cried yesterdayMoremost of the day and it was a hard day. Today I wake up with a new strength and power to let it be. Let it take its course and she'll see what we see in time. The hardest thing is not seeing my grandson. I miss him so much. Thank you again for your words. I appreciate it and I needed this more than you can ever imagine!

    • The writer

      LLWrightSpirited Lady

      In fact, it's a good idea to let things take their course. Your body also recovers when you let a cold run its course. Such children do not deserve the fuss of their parents etc. One day she will realize that she needs you and will come back to you of her own accord. She will realize how much her son loses. Good luck and God bless.

  • Lydia Alexandra

    Spirited LadyLLWright How wise and down to earth you are. Your feelings are not your responsibility. I'm stuck there and have to deal with it. Thanks X

    • Spirited lady

      Lydia AlexandraSpirited LadyLLWright Plus, Lydia Alexandra, you have a right to a life of your own. I love the expression, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." This is a time for you to identify things that make you feel good. Healthy things like a walk in oneMorePark, a long bath, a cup of tea, a good book. Even if you cry all the time while walking or bathing. let yourself feel your feelings Know that as a child you were entitled to loving care. Talk to that child in you. Tell her that you are sorry about what happened to her and that you will take care of her now. Be very patient with yourself. Your feelings are YOUR responsibility and you can choose how you will feel. It takes time and work, but you can come out of it a stronger, healthier, and happier person.

• Lydia Alexandra

  LLWright I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could get you an answer, although I think it's better to take a step back than keep trying to contact your daughter. The last thing you want them to say is you're a nuisance. The thing is, even though you (asMorewas my son) and your daughter were close, she was your best friend, you always choose your partner like my son and like you, getting through the day is a real test. There are no easy solutions, but what I've done isn't email or TXT (but I can email every few weeks and just say - hope you're in good health, thinking of you, take care I don't get over the fact that I feel like I've died inside, or that I miss him terribly, or that I just want to sit at the table with him and talk to him or I feel pathetically needy in too independent by nature and a bit of a loner (horrible childhood) so i don't cling to desperate people i just miss my son there was just the two of us - i drove myself to the hospital and gave birth, and drove home. there was Complications and I could only see him through an incubator but I asked God that if he would leave the hospital healthy I would spend the rest of my life taking excellent care of him and I did e maternity leave has been the best and happiest of my life and when you give so much the loss of not seeing that person is just unbearable Few people I have communicated with on this site have delved into volunteering, bless them and their strong characters and give themselves when they feel the way they do. I'm just not strong enough, it's hard for me to get through the day, the emptiness is unbearable.

number five minus one

• I am sorry

  Omg you are so right. My mom was a crackhead who got high and let me sleep in the park until she was done. She never gave me a birthday party or even bothered to talk to me or check my homework or anything like that. she would leave meMoreI was 8 and my brother who was 4 was alone for a week while she was doing her crack binges and we had nothing to eat so we ate a loaf of bread trying to get through it. When I was placed in a group home, she never came to visit or call me or anything. Funny how when I got older I bought a big house and took care of her until she died. My 20 year old son treats me like garbage. When he was growing up I spoiled him and had huge birthday parties and did everything with them. My mother never took me anywhere or did anything to me. But I would have done anything for her if she had asked. I can't even get my son to babysit his little brother when I had to go to the hospital. I am so hurt and just shocked. I am a single mom with 4 boys and I spend every second with them and whatever they want they get. I had 1 pair of shoes and they had holes and I bought him 6 pairs of sneakers for school and a lot more for Christmas and then he told his dad he didn't get much

• Lydia Alexandra

  numberfiveminusone I am stunned by what you said, absolutely stunned because it is so true. My mother despised me passionately, everything was my fault, I was constantly told that she wished I had never been born, she physically hit me, pulled my hair back and spat on me quite often when she was in one of her tantrums , for stealing money which she then found but never apologized for, or being late from school (gym training) she never greeted me with a warm hello, always with mad anger. I took all of my father's heart pills at the age of 12 and ended up in the hospital with a cardiograph. I've had enough of everything. I was tired of spending my lunch breaks at school hiding my belt marks on my legs while we wore tunics and cropped socks. When I finally got home, it was my fault for embarrassing my mother by ending up in the hospital. My father, a pastor, looked away. That's why I don't go to churches - was I raised by Christians?

  My sister told the pastor at my mother's funeral how I was physically and emotionally abused. That's why my sister has nothing to do with me and hasn't spoken to me since my parents died. Her reason is that seeing me again would bring back what she would see as a child (8 years younger). I wanted to give my son the kind of education I would have liked to have had. I always spoke to him, not to him, my mother only spoke to me to criticize me. I never hit him and I gave him my time when I wasn't working. There were no relationships, only friendships, so if invited, I would take my boy too. I didn't spoil him but I gave him a private education and bought a house myself so although bills and dues were paid there wasn't much to spend although he got everything he needed. I gave him my inheritance as I couldn't bring myself to use it and he put it to good use and turned it around a few times with real estate. Now he has a nice house and he's only 32.

  My mother was beautiful and knew it, she destroyed all my photo albums before she died - all 5. The whole house was full of her photos, there wasn't one of me. Long stunning dresses that I looked pretty in were cut up and made into short dresses for my mother. She was blonde, blue eyed and beautiful and my father would do anything to please her and after I left home she turned against him and it was all his fault. She eventually left him, divorced him, and the church fired him. She soon found another man to share her life with while my father was having a complete breakdown.

  A narcissistic mother for sure. I never bring my parents down to my son. I also stayed with him on our visits (every 4 years abroad) and his relationship with them was different. He had a grandmother and a grandfather and often wrote and talked to them on the phone. Now that he has his beautiful house and a woman in his life, I'm totally forgotten. I would honestly like to know why.

  • number five minus one

    Lydia AlexandranZahlfünfminuseins

    I'm sorry Lydia.

  • Spirited lady

    Lydia Alexandrannumber fiveminusone I am so sorry for the way your mother treated you. It's amazing that you survived that kind of trauma. It's also amazing that this story allowed you to be a gentle, accepting mother. Her son is still in a phase of life that is now referred to as "late adolescence". In other words, he's still figuring out who he is and how he fits into the world. Our society has become so complex that acculturation, which was once largely accomplished by the late teens or early 20s, now requires another decade. In these phases, young people are still quite egocentric. That doesn't mean he always will be.

    It sounds like you need to focus on your own life and find friends to do things with. Your son may never be interested in spending much time with you. My son got married and moved far away. His wife doesn't like me and they said I could only be "a name on a map". My son and I are not estranged. He's not angry about anything. But that's far from my idea of ​​family. I grew up with grandparents who I saw most days. My son was very close to my mother, even though we lived in different communities.

    But they can choose. And we might as well come to terms with our own emotions. I do a lot of volunteer work. My favorite part is facilitating a class at the Women's Prison to help young mothers who are incarcerated process their addiction and the childhood abuse that led to it.

    I suggest you think of something that's close to your heart and help out. that's the biggest consolation for me.

    • Lydia Alexandra

      Spirited LadyLydia Alexandranumberfiveminusone Thank you for your wise words and suggestions, I appreciate your input but to be honest I just don't have the drive, enthusiasm and energy to get through what you do so admirably . I wish you all the best.

    • Gena Gaddis

      Spirited LadyLydia Alexandrannumber five minus one

      My daughter and I have always been close. She had a baby a few months ago. I flew 4000 miles to be there. Your boyfriend was a complete idiot. My husband and I had paid their deposit on the apartment, bought furniture etc but we were treated horribly. I've always looked forward to my daughter having a child, it should be wonderful. Instead she was cruel, didn't want me in the hospital, barely let me hold the child, etc. My son and his wife were angry. They, too, had been kept at a distance by the guy. Nevertheless, it was my daughter who allowed all of this to happen! Heartbroken after she said horrible things to me I left after 3 separate breakdowns. I stayed with my son and daughter-in-law for a few days and then flew home. My daughter then said I left her when she needed me! I can't afford to fly back any time soon and can't understand why she made such bad decisions. She dropped out of college, met this guy, and got pregnant almost a year and a half later. I

      I'm so tired! She was my best friend, she said the same thing about me. She feels she needs to stand by this guy and be a couple. Meanwhile, I've been kept away from my only grandchild.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        GenaGaddisSpirited LadyLydia Alexandrannumberfiveminusone Perhaps because she had just had a baby and had been twittering in her ear months before, her reaction was to take his side and desert you and your good intentions. How lucky she was to have you there and how sad and shocked you must beMorefelt when she reacted that way. Then saying you left her when she needed you the most sounds to me like she's in a bad place, all messed up, confused, lonely, scared, wanting to side with him, even though he might be the Reason is why she has changed so much to you. You must have returned devastated and genuinely upset. Something tells me she just needs to be left alone and see how things develop. I found when everyone is with me and giving me all this advice and I'm at my lowest (years ago when I lived with my parents) it made things worse for me. But with time to think on my own and see things for myself, you start to see things as they really are and not as they looked back then. I wish you inner peace soon.

• Spirited lady

  numberfiveminusone What you say makes a lot of sense. Did your daughter's abuse start when you stopped doing what she wants? Did you have trouble standing up to her when she was a kid? I've seen it happen... and heard it from other moms.

  • number five minus one

    Spirited lady number five minus one

    She just got cruel to me recently. As a child and teenager I never had any problems with her. But then again, we gave her everything she wanted as a child and as an adult. All she had to do was say "I want this" and we gave it to her. She always thanked us. Even in our teenage years, we never had arguments or arguments.

    • Spirited lady

      numberfiveminusoneSpirited Lady I don't think you have to blame yourself. I have friends (more than a couple) who have raised 2 or more children who are wonderful people from wonderful families and have been estranged from one child but not the others. It is often the child's spouse who insistsMoreFracture. I think those of us who had unhappy childhoods are much more affected by the loss. It triggers the trauma of our childhood losses. And it's obviously a greater loss for those of us with only one child. And more importantly, if you don't have a spouse, don't have extended family to support you, don't have a faith community that provides a sense of community. In fact, this isolation probably has a lot to do with young adult children's need to escape the pressure of having to fill in all those gaps. There are different patterns I think.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        Spirited Ladynumberfiveminusone I understand why you say what you have and I would do it the same way I/we feel so raw but things were different once. I taught Russian to adult students twice a week, loved the theater, went often, also made a living and went to the theatreMoreGym three times a week. I had a busy life and often enjoyed eating out and cooking and baking at home, especially on the weekends. Now I do absolutely nothing but tend to the house and garden. I just can't be bothered.

Jewel0202

• Gena Gaddis

  Jewel0202

  Yes, money seems to be the factor that ties many parent-child relationships together. I just don't understand my daughter separating me from her and her baby. I did everything I could. Paid 1000 to help. My son and his wife are grateful and appreciative. They never ask for anything. Maybe we're doing too much. It is expected.

  • Royann

    This seems to be a major factor in my eldest son's estrangement and as soon as the money train stopped he stopped speaking to me. Absolutely nothing to do with me totally cut me out of his life just to make the injury worseMoreon mine he claims to be a good Christian and is studying to be a minister! How's that for a cherry on top! My husband says we've been doing too much but it still hurts like hell every day!

• number five minus one

  Jewel0202

  I'm sorry this is happening to you. Thoughts and prayers to you too.

  • Jewel0202

    Thank you for your prayers and I'm sorry you lost your son. Every morning I wake up feeling like things will never get better. but during the day I get busy and can forget for a while. The next morning it startsMoreeverything again. It's only been such a tough few years and one of my daughters had a massive stroke. I had to use some money to pay her bills and support her and her son (she is single). My other children understand, but the 41-year-old doesn't listen to reason. Does everything have to be exactly level??? She should be glad I had the money to help her sister, but she says some of it was hers?!? I told her it's my money to use however I see fit anyway and what if she was the one who had the stroke? ... wouldn't she want me to help her?? She just isn't ready to forgive???? What have I done that she can't forgive me??? Besides helping her disabled sister as much as I can?? It saddens me to think that she is so selfish. I pray that God will open her eyes. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers

    • Lydia Alexandra

      Jewel0202 I am so sorry that things are going so difficult and I am especially sorry that your daughter has suffered a massive stroke. I was wondering if you are the only one helping your disabled daughter and son? Wouldn't you think it appropriate to ask your other children ifMoreYou, in turn, could help her, be it with shopping or a visit. I feel like you are doing it all and yes as mothers we do, but a little help would be greatly appreciated. Take care and thank you for your contribution. It would also mean that everyone would see each other more often - after all, they all belong to the same family.

      • Spirited lady

        Lydia AlexandraJewel0202 Those are very wise words, Lydia Alexandra. You speak of yourself as weak, but I see wisdom, compassion and strength in reaching out to others who are suffering.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        Spirited LadyLydia AlexandraJewel0202 Thank you for your kind words, how much they are appreciated. x

    • Spirited lady

      Jewel0202 You need to stop beating yourself up for your daughter's lack of compassion. There is nothing to forgive in this story, and your acting as if there is adds to this daughter's false sense of injustice. Your responsibility is to do what you think is right. You made the right choice. Now just stick with it. This daughter isn't going to change, so don't count on it for your peace of mind. You can pray all you want...and I believe in prayer...but God works in the world in God's own way, and unfortunately that usually doesn't mean a change of character.

      On the other hand, if possible, this daughter is actually asking if she is loved and if you would do the same for her. Before you write her off, and instead of defending yourself, reassure her that you love her too and that you hope you can be there for her when she really needs you. Identify what is special about her and let her know that you appreciate those things about her.

NL mother

• The writer

  NL Mom Don't try to "buy" her love.

• Brenda Alvarado885

  NL Mom First of all I want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I understand your pain as I too have become estranged from my adult son who is 20 years old. I agree with your advice to back off and not contact her for reconciliation after so many failed attempts. I want to thank you for your inspirational advice and strength. I recently got in touch with my son after 3 years of estrangement, he left home when he was 17 (in bad words of course) and after 3 years of emails (because he changed his number so email was the only one form of contact was) i never got an answer. I met him months after he left home only to be ignored on the street! I was humiliated. I only followed him to be ignored. I had no choice but to walk away in distress and shame. he was recently hired as a photographer for a family of friends, sweet 16, who i tried to contact again. He was formal, but still cold. I asked him for his phone number but he refused to give it to me himself because he had already given it to his little brother, my 13 year old son. He said if I wanted the number I could get it from his little brother. I've texted and called him a few times only to be ignored as usual. He was hired to be a photographer at another event that I knew would be there, so I made it my mission to attend. He said hello but called me Brenda, not mom. I was hurt and him belittling me in front of other people at an event where everyone knows he's my son was another humiliating moment for me. I approached him and told him I didn't like it when he called me by my first name, then he got defensive and said I lost that privilege since I kicked him out. By the time he was 17, his disrespect was at an all-time high. He didn't come home and do whatever he wanted, he didn't even wish me a happy mother's day or a happy birthday, he even refused to take part in family vacations. I was too hurt at that point as I couldn't understand why my son who I love with all my heart would treat me like this. He didn't even invite me to his high school graduation after I paid all of his senior dues, which was my duty as a mother, but no gratitude was shown to me and I was treated like I was a mother beaten to death after years of being one single mom working hard so he doesn't need anything. I got into a serious relationship when he was 12 and we are still together to this day. He got along with my mate at first, but as he got older, my boyfriend's total disregard caused friction for us too. My mate had also helped ensure that we actually lived better when I was able to take multiple vacations as a single mom and financially I was able to give even more lavish gifts and whatever he wanted. I even wasted his girlfriend just so I could be in his good graces. After several episodes of the disrespect he showed, I put my foot down and told him if he didn't follow the rules of my house, he had to leave. He decided to leave and stay with my estranged sister, of course she took advantage of the situation by taking him in instead of trying to mediate and make things right between us. I don't feel like working things out with my sister as I feel like she did the unthinkable thing to drive a wedge between my son and me and I will never forgive her for that. I recently emailed my son to address the issue of calling me by my first name. I wrote him a respectable letter expressing all my feelings of pain and shame. I told him in the letter that I will love nothing more than to make up, but I need to be recognized as a mother, no less. he texts back again, calling me by my first name, wishing me many great years and that one day I must see what I've done as a mother and wishing me the best of luck. That killed me. I quit 2 days in a row because I cried every now and then and can't concentrate on anything. My heart is completely broken but I will not give up and lose my dignity while trying to have a relationship. I feel like as parents we tend to be kicked and manipulated just for being in a relationship with kids who don't even value us. I'm broken, but in time I'll heal. Luckily I have a 13 year old son who loves me and my 9 year old boyfriend has been more than supportive through this ordeal. I really hope both sons come to their senses and see that they are blessed to have mothers who want to be in their lives and offer love and support in life that we both know can be seriously hard. There are many people, myself included, whose mother has passed away who cannot afford the luxury of spending time with their mother. I will include you in my prayers. Thanks again for your enlightening advice, you are a soldier with the heart of an angel! God bless you!

  .

• lcjantzi

  EN-Mama,

  Thank you for sharing. I'm not sure I can put into words what your post meant to me. I'm very sad but I'm not alone is basically what comes to mind. I'm sorry, but I just wish I didn't have this in common with you and others, but I'm grateful that reading your account and others' accounts of the alienation makes the pain of loss seem a little less.

  My three adult children decided to request "no contact" by emailing me after Christmas 2013. We'd been through a lot in the past 15 years: her father's arrest for a sex crime, eventual divorce, her acting as a drug and alcohol abuse teen, an abortion, marriage, birth of three grandchildren, death of a grandchild, etc. I don't want to continue. I did my best and now I understand that they put me under a microscope, so to speak, where whatever good I did for them becomes tiny in the magnification of my mistakes or mistakes. My eldest lied to the other two about something horrible I should have said about my daughter and her late son, my sweet grandson. But she has told lies to others about me and lied to me for years and even believes that I have something to do with her father's sexual deviance.

  I too was told by a therapist that I needed to send cards on special occasions and keep in touch. I've done this until now, even though everything inside me told me not to do it. The small counter message I received from my younger daughter during this time was abusive and revealed someone suffering from a mental illness. My therapist suggested that my adult children needed time to grow up and learn to take responsibility for their own decisions and stop blaming me. She claimed to keep letting them know I love them and would wait to hear from them when they are ready.

  Since reading the current posts on this site, I am reassured not to contact them anymore. The posts confirmed what I had been thinking a lot about lately, which was not to annoy or bother them, to give them the space they asked (required), to hurt myself by waiting for an answer and getting nothing , or worse, becoming more offensive language.

  All to say thank you to you and everyone else who shares the stories of the heartbreak of our adult children's alienation.

  Without my relationship with Almighty God, I would despair. . .

  • Spirited lady

    lcjantzi Unlike Lydia Alexandra, I have a religious community. It is so comforting to be with others every Sunday and pray and sing and hear a message of God's love and care. It also provides me and my husband with a social life and opportunities to serveMoreOther. I am involved in ministry to women in prison. I listen to their stories and offer them a recovery program where I share God's love for them and keep myself going in the face of the neglect and detachment of my only child. I'm still sad but I keep busy knowing that everything is in God's hands. My daily prayers for my son and his family along with the gifts I send (he lets me know which gifts are welcome) give me a sense of connection and comfort. Every Sunday at church I light a candle for him and his little ones, and even for his wife who seems to be the root cause of the problem. I refuse to be bitter, but it helps to acknowledge my sadness.

    • Lydia Alexandra

      Temperamental Ladylcjantzi I don't want to offend you, but I'm surprised that your son accepts gifts, but distances himself from you and your husband. Unlike me, you have managed to actively engage and engage with others. I feel frozen and just can't blend in. I do not communicate with anyone whoMoreis close to me, apart from exchanging pleasantries and a quick hello to the neighbors. I don't feel bitter to be honest, just incredibly empty. I just have nothing to say.

  • Lydia Alexandra

    lcjantzi I've just come from shopping, a lonely nightmare, children are on vacation now and you see them as your children once were, loud and full of life and full of wonder. How different it was once and how little I knew what could happen one day and there is no reason why. I'm sorry for your incredible pain and what you had to go through. I wish I could set it straight for you, or at least say - don't worry, it will get better - or it will go away with time, but it won't, because who knows. I like that you have my faith and believe in the power of prayer although I'm not a churchgoer and hate labels so I don't call myself a Christian but I just hope things get easier someday. What I would do is, to every single person in your life who is difficult to write a letter with. Make one every Sunday, since I don't go to church on Sundays, I write my letters. When you have them all, one day go out and post them all together. The content would be - your side of the story, keep it short and end with - i will always love you if you want to contact me i will be there for you.

    You then said what you wanted to say, maybe not to the person's face, but you said it. Things that aren't said and settled right away eat you up - give them your version.

    And that's all you can do. I wish you all the best, emotionally and with tenderness, I know how empty it feels like a deep emptiness, almost like bereavement, a feeling of incredible loss.

    • Lydia Alexandra

      lcjantzi I know about depression and am grateful that some of these people that I have had the pleasure of communicating with are able to get involved and help others to help themselves get through the day and to survive. I write letters the way I can say itMoreEveryone writes here, but to the outside world I'm a closed book, I don't discuss it with anyone - so we're all different in doing what helps at a time when it's just - difficult. All I can say is that I am very thankful for this website where I can say what it's like and not be expected to put on a happy face when sometimes I feel like I'm dying inside. Stay healthy and thank you.

    • lcjantzi

      Thank you Lydia for your compassion and kind words. I'm not sure if I should write the letter. It sounds good, but I seem to be overcoming a major wave of depression after writing to these people. Still, I think it might give me a sense of completion. Thank you for the suggestion and for worrying enough to reply to me.

      I don't like labels either, Lydia. My husband and I just found a church but are not involved yet. We meet with several groups for recreation and have regular neighbors and friends, but my thoughts are never far from my grown children and my young grandchildren.

      I read your story with regret. You sound like you're dealing with it in a healthy way, even though you still have triggers, e.g. B. Seeing children shopping brings back memories. They are still open and praying, but realistically. That was helpful for me.

      It's a struggle we will continue to have, living with this gaping hole in our lives and the wound that is difficult to heal, but I am comforted to know that good things can come from our suffering, like this website where the Find solace in one another.

Gast 40

• number five minus one

  Gast 40

  I am very sorry that you received this SMS. It was a very nice thing to offer your daughter your car and pay for the CostCo card. I think it would be best to respect your daughter's desire to stay away, even if it feels like a knife in your heart. Not just for her, but for you. You don't need heartbreaking texts at 3am. Take care.

• Lydia Alexandra

  Guest 40 Hello, I am so sorry that your son passed away and now your only other child, your daughter, has behaved like this. You and I are moving forward, and now we'd like to be close to them and be a part of their lives.MoreI feel your pain tremendously, I feel empty and empty and nothing matters anymore, at least you are not alone, you have your partner's understanding and comfort. As awful as that sounds, you need to do what she wants and just leave her alone. She wants to be alone and deal with what's bothering her for some reason, and you "bug" her with YOUR needs. I have not contacted my son either, either by email or phone - and yes I keep checking to see if there is contact, but since he doesn't want to I've had to move on from being a nuisance. I can't tell you, my existence has become hell on earth. x

tc tip

• Lydia Alexandra

  tctiptopnumberfiveminusone Do you mean Phill McGraw - have you seen that on TV or read anything by him?

Lydia Alexandra

• number five minus one

  Lydia Alexandra

  I'm so sorry this happened to you. I, too, feel devastated and mourn the emotional and physical loss of my only child. I've been told I'll go deaf after a while. This time can't come fast enough for me.

  • Lydia Alexandra

    numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra How can we become deaf, we have carried our child, bore and cared for our child through sickness and good times. School days, birthdays, it's burned into our hearts. How nice it would be if the pain would go away. I hope you have someone close byMorethat you are not alone like me. Christmas and birthdays must be hell.

    • number five minus one

      Lydia AlexandranZahlfünfminuseins

      Thanks Lydia I am so sorry your son was upset that he was called while you were ill. I wish you weren't mad at yourself for giving for years because that was a loving thing for you. We should not be angry that we have loved. Please do not feel pathetic about your need for post-operative care. There are rehab facilities to help you prepare to return home. I hope your surgery is helpful and relieves some of your physical pain. Take care.

      • Spirited lady

        numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra I would like to share the wise words of numberfiveminusone with Lydia. Please know Lydia, there are many parents who suffer from this result of their love and card. On the other hand, there are children who never leave home and at the same time are dependent on their parentsMoreabuse them. That would be even worse. Your son is alone and God loves him as much as you do. I hope you receive wonderful medical treatment and recovery care. I am so impressed with how clear your thinking has become and how you are facing these painful challenges. God bless you!

      • Lydia Alexandra

        Spirited LadynumberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra Thank you for your time and effort, much appreciated and appreciated. I need to snap out of this fog I've been living in, what happened to my drive and energy? You have to move on or just die. Thanks X

      • The writer

        Lydia AlexandraSpirited LadyNumber five minus a madame,Spirited Lady is right. It would be worse if the children used to scold you when you were old. Just go ahead and enjoy the good years you have left. It is not worth "dying" for such young people. While you're grieving, these callous children could be having so much fun.

        I was lucky enough to learn something new today. It seems young adults see alienation from their parents as a victim! It seems they have to make "sacrifices" to reach their mark of success. It seems that Steve Jobs also "sacrificed" to arrive at the top of his career. He didn't acknowledge a love child before achieving his spectacular success. What happened to him in the end? He died of cancer. Although he was a phenomenal success in the computing and business worlds, he did not escape human destiny. I don't understand what these young adults are after when they "sacrifice" their parents and families.

        just keep walking Live well and be happy.

      • Spirited lady

        The ScribeLydia AlexandraSpirited LadyNumber five minus one Interesting that we're having this conversation on three continents. What a privilege! I would like to add that the Chinese women we worked with in the Chinese village were very close to their parents. Two of the teachers stayed with their parents while they attended our classes. We've been to both houses, one for dinner. Two others had their mother visiting during the summer holidays. The fifth was the one who took us to her parents' farm to meet her grandmother. Their weddings had been traditional...they were brought to the man's family home. But the women were very loyal and close to their own families. And that will very well be the case with the one-child generation. The young couples have to take care of two sets of parents.

        In the US, most of my friends are very busy with their children and grandchildren. Many take care of them after school. They definitely celebrate birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas together and many other holidays. Grandparents attend performances and sporting events. Even from a distance, my husband's children call him on his birthday, Father's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. And they exchange gifts and cards. Also, there are yearly visits, or almost yearly...even across the continent.

        So that's one of the reasons it's so painful for me and my friends who aren't blessed with any of this. So this blog has been a blessing. I'm just grateful to be able to send cards, notes and gifts. It helps me feel connected, and hopefully it gives the kids at least some of the connection you rightly say is so important to their emotional health. Also, I hope it tells my son that despite his mistreatment of me, the door is still open, which I'm sure he's embarrassed about. But faced with his wife's animosity, he appears to have to make a choice. And I don't want to be a factor in a divorce.

        When we were together at my husband's family reunion which my son is attending as he was only 8 years old when we got married, he was very relaxed with me and excited about all the childhood items I brought him. There was something from every phase of his life and he was glad I kept them. Many were t-shirts and he wore them all. He and I spent most of our time following his 3 year old. I made many videos and photos. But children grow and change quickly.

        Anyway, I help women in our state prison (most are there for drugs) to express the abuse and abandonment they experienced as children and to come in order in their lives. The lack of a deep connection with at least one healthy, loving adult is typically the problem. I am working to provide mentors for the women because as a permanent volunteer going to prison I am not allowed to have a permanent relationship with the women. But my nonprofit is raising money to provide a lay pastor who's in prison every week. There are 800 women, so we only work with a few, but it's very rewarding... most of the time. And we also have other programs that I coordinate. Work keeps me going... distracts me from my losses.

        And every Sunday I light a candle for my son and his babies.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        The ScribeLydia AlexandraSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone Thank you for your well wishes, I don't take that as "sacrifice" but as selfish behavior. I grew up with the experience that families are very much part of the whole family, where grandpa and grandma opened the presents together on Christmas morning and everyone shared each otherMoreBirthday with the whole family, (although not in my family) grandparents came to the schools to see plays performed by their grandchildren and music concerts etc. That kind of distance I see now is strange, isn't it healthy and flawed. It may be the new way of life but it's cruel, selfish and to be honest I can't see who's benefiting from it. Watching a documentary or reading a book about a known criminal always shows some detachment and sometimes abuse. I am not suggesting that our children are under this roof, but distancing is not good for anyone, either the person who instigated it or those suffering from it. I know that even though your heart is breaking and the emptiness is impossible to fill, there is nothing you can do but try to move on and accept it. Yes, I'm slowly moving on.

      • The writer

        Lydia AlexandraThe ScribeSpirited Ladynumberfiveminusone The keyword is DISTANCE. Look at modern living. Even if the houses share two side walls and the neighbors of the backyard wall do not interact. The rich live in single-family homes, which we call bungalows here (the word bungalow actually comes from India).

        Community detachment is bad enough, but when it's from family it's very unhealthy, but like you, I'm seeing this trend in young adults today. It becomes alarming when large numbers of families suffer from this syndrome.

      • Lydia Alexandra

        numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra Thank you for your good wishes. I am now waiting for a letter for an appointment for surgery. It might be a few months who knows, and in a way I'm preparing to take care of myself while I can't walk. It could be worse,MoreImagine if it were cancer and I had to get chemo not knowing where my tomorrow is. And that's the way it is, that's the way things are. Best wishes to all the lovely people I have communicated with, no goodbyes, keep in touch but thanks. It's not that easy to talk about - guess what my son left me. Greetings to all xxx

      • The writer

        Lydia Alexandranumberfiveminusone As parents we can only do our best, then pray and hope for the best. Many young adults are like your son. Parents give them the best education and everything they can afford. Once they've made it, they turn their backs on their elderly parents. Some daughters are like that too. Once they meet someone they obsess over, they will just let their parents down. All she cares about is the man in her life. It's a vicious circle because the same would happen to them when they get old.

        Something is also happening in the East. Today's Chinese young adults have all but forgotten the Confucius/Kung Fu Tzhi concept of filial piety. The best thing is not to expect too much from our children, lest we be too disappointed. How many children you have is no longer relevant. If one child cuts you off, the others might follow suit, believing it will save them from wasting time, energy, and resources on people who have become a nuisance to them. Parents grow old and dependent financially, physically, and emotionally.

        Many young adults today help their parents and then leave them to suffer alone in old age. This is the reality of the 21st century. Things will only get worse over time. That's what the world calls progress LOL. People are getting more and more impersonal, rude, disloyal and indifferent, so just accept it and move on. There's no point in wasting your life. If they need you, they will come back. If they don't need you, they cut you off. Only parents love unconditionally. kids never do that.

  • Lydia Alexandra

    numberfiveminusoneLydia Alexandra Hello, Thank you for taking the time to reply. Just got home from an appointment with the specialist, nothing serious but the MRI scan results say I'm going to have knee surgery now. I was given 4 sheets of paper to fill out, a preoperative assessment,Moreand when it came to next of kin, I deleted my son's data. A couple of times when he was rushed to the ambulance or taken to the hospital (I have degenerative arthritis from neck to toe and sometimes I have a total seizure and can't move, go to the bathroom etc) he was upset about me calling him from his work. I felt pathetic today telling the nurse that when I get back home I won't have anyone to take care of things as I have to be on my feet for some time. Years of working, paying and caring - I'm angry at myself for giving so much of myself.

    • Gena Gaddis

      Lydia AlexandranZahlfünfminuseins

      heartbreaking. I am sorry

Golddarnit123

• number five minus one

  @ Goldendarnit123

  This is a difficult situation. It's important to listen to your kids and I understand why you got angry and frustrated with your parents. Good luck at school.

tc tip

Miss my daughter

• further

  Missmydaughter I am truly sorry for your trauma regarding your daughter's silence. However, I was surprised by your counselor's advice to have a funeral or memorial service for her. Surely these opportunities are for the dead, and your daughter is not. She lives and as long as she existsMoreLife there is hope. I often wonder where these so-called experts stay. Your daughter has gone away for a while, so I think in the meantime it's up to us to move on with our lives so that if and when there is a breakthrough, both parties are in the best position to start a new relationship, which I hope will be much is stronger than the last. If there is no reconciliation, then at least we haven't wasted our precious time yearning for something that's gone.

  • Rune

    carry onMismydaughter

    Perhaps it's more about calming the immediacy and grief - not a funeral, but something kind, gentle, and symbolic to open up the loss and create acceptance, which could then ease the parent toward the ease of letting go and moving on.

Also

• listeners

  So agree that once an adult - adult child or not - has made it clear that he/she doesn't want a relationship, then sad as it is for the parents, it's time to end it. Giving the person space is an act of love. When a loved one asks for space, isn't it an act of love to give that person the requested space? "If there has been gross neglect or general abuse, the child has the right to try to break the ties." I disagree with this comment. I agree that physical abuse, sexual abuse, and certain forms of "emotional abuse" provide reasonable grounds for an adult child to break off their relationship with their parents. Of the 3 categories, 1 and 2 are fairly objective based. #3, Emotional abuse is very subjective. Reasonable opinions may differ on some forms of emotional abuse. What is "gross negligence"? Reasonable minds may disagree. What is generalized abuse? Reasonable minds will differ. I agree that EVERY adult child has "the right" to "disconnect" — for whatever reason. Doesn't do it "right" (as in ethical, moral, compassionate, empathic, kind, considerate, loving, etc.). An adult child can do this for any reason. In my opinion this is wrong. In my opinion, 2 wrongs don't make a right. And I think there is far, far too much clipping going on in our world right now by adult children, especially young adults, who have subjectively viewed their parents as "too toxic," whatever that might be. There is a staggering number of parents in this world right now who have become alienated from their adult children because the adult child has chosen to cut off the parent for that category of perceived "emotional abuse" and when you peel off the layers, it's just not there, objectively. Nothing is worse than a parent who is too strict with the growing child, has rules that the child didn't like and crap like that. These adult children are mostly young adults who are seeking therapy after they reach adulthood and, like most people, are trying to come to terms with their childhood, upbringing, and parenting. These young adults meet cheap, inexperienced therapists who appear to recommend to young adults a course of action to deal with the people in the young adult's life who are "too toxic" for the young adult by cutting that person off. I'm not stupid enough to say that this approach is never appropriate, but given the numbers by which this is done, it's equally foolish to think that in most of these cases, the parents objectively deserve this harsh result. Parents make mistakes. Raising a child is not perfect. I have yet to meet a parent who has set out to be the worst parent ever. ALL parents have children hoping to be great parents - 100% of the time that's the intent. And yet mistakes happen. imperfections happen. Children test the boundaries set by their parents. Some children test boundaries more than others. And sometimes that testing becomes a battle of wills and control issues manifest. And sometimes parents are having bad days, being in a bad mood, feeling impatient, sick, tired, etc. There are endless variables that contribute to conflict. Are we to say that in 100% of these conflicts, the parents are ALWAYS "to blame" and if the parents didn't act with "perfection" (whatever that is), then the parents were "emotionally abusive" and therefore "too toxic, and should it therefore be excluded from the life of the young adult?

  If people don't talk, nothing gets resolved. Someone has to be the bigger person. I suggest that in those instances where the complaint or complaints are nothing more than perceived "emotional abuse" (or as you put it, "gross neglect"), these young adults need to reach out to their parents. Take some time for yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin and circle back with your parents and seek peace and love in your family of origin. These supposedly "toxic" parents changed your diapers. Not just once. Every day.

JHB

• NL mother

  @JHB Loved your comment: "We are on a path that we sometimes don't realize." My son took me out of his life, I struggle with that daily and try my best to move on and be thankful for everything else I do to have. Your words have given me somethingMoreto think about something. I believe everything happens for a reason.

• listeners

  @JHB That's a wonderful story! Good for you. Life has its share of heartaches, but there are rewards in the end. The fact that you can now enjoy a relationship with your granddaughter is so rewarding for everything you've been through. way toMoreHeads up. It seems to me that you are a living, beautiful example to your adult children of how to maintain your dignity and live your life with class. You know, they say the measure of a person isn't who they react to when times are good, it's how they react when things get tough. You have been tested by setbacks in your life, and every moment you spend with your grandchild is a moment of reward for your perseverance. I hope you are happy with how things have turned out.

citizen mm

• listeners

  Citizenmm Considering what you have shared, your decision to distance yourself is reasonable. I especially love that you keep sending your mother cards etc. This shows compassion on your part. I am sorry for your losses. It's clearly not your fault. You were born into a family of a fewMoreProblems, and these are the circumstances that fate has in store for you. You are a wise and beautiful person able to see the circle of your life and understand how you have shared it. I hope that when the time comes, like now, you'll take what's yours and go out and enjoy it.

  • GingerMayor

    AListenercitizenmm My goodness AListener, I am touched by your answer. Having seen a cycle of behavioral patterns play out in my own family, I also think Citizenmm is wise to see a circle in their life and also nice to have such a perspective. I like the comment to take what's yoursMoreand go out and enjoy - that is close to my heart and I work on it every day. It's hard when things aren't the way I want them to be, but I think I have to take the good that's here and enjoy it.

    • citizen mm

      GingerMaynorAListenercitizenmm Thank you for the kind words. The shame of not being loved by mother, father and child can sometimes be unbearable and crush my self-esteem. I'm doing the best I can as I believe we all are.

Jennifer Smith

• listeners

  @Jennifer Smith Thank you for sharing your perspective and views on your individual situation. It is very insightful and I think it provides an appropriate context for this major societal issue. In reviewing your post, I certainly agree that your decision to seek boundaries for yourself is appropriate. Given what you haveMoredivided, I must acknowledge that your situation is a reasonable choice to distance yourself from those who cause you severe emotional harm such as you describe. No rational argument could be made to the contrary that you should remain in these family relationships and put up with them. That being said, I find that most of the estranged parents who visit this site and exchange comments are grieving estrangements and the underlying roots of your story don't seem remotely similar. There are also some young adult children who have chosen to alienate on this site who have shared their choices, and while it's not always possible to fully appreciate what's going on in these family situations, it doesn't seem to either that the underlying roots reflect your situation. I have written elsewhere here that personality disorders lead to alienation and your story is an excellent example. The problem with most alienation happening today is not like that. It seems to be a new psychology for young adults in therapy, speaking to a therapist about their life and themselves, and at this point in their lives, naturally engaging with their family, their upbringing, and yes, their parents. It seems "fashionable" to suggest these young adults distance themselves from "toxic" parents or "toxic relationships." Whatever it is. It's all so very subjective. I suspect that many of these therapists are young and inexpensive and heard about this "theory" in school and are now flocking this recommendation to the young adults who come to them, and it has had explosive effects.

• citizen mm

  @Jennifer Smith - My son was made to disrespect me his whole life by my mother (vicious undercover NPD) but I thought he was stronger. He was not. I've been scapegoated and gassed by my family my entire life. Until I was counseled I just thought it was me, that I was unsympathetic.

  My adult son broke ties with me after marrying a malignant covert narcissist/BPD who, after catching him with a pregnancy, insisted he cut ties with me or lose his child. I did nothing but support this girl, a big mistake

  I too did not have to contact my family as they were all involved in this dysfunctional behavior and now my son is repeating this horrific cycle of dysfunction. I've heard both Lisa Romano and Richard Grannon. Both helped me a lot, along with the therapy. I only wish I had learned more sooner.

mollymolly1

• number five minus one

  mollymolly1

  Molly, I want to thank you for your kind words after posting my story. They comforted me. I really hope things get better with your son soon. You try and that's all you can do. The rest is up to him. God bless.

mollymolly1

mollymolly1

mollymolly1

further

• listeners

  keep going Good for you!

• mollymolly1

  I agree and find the strength to do the same reading your post, your daughter not only has you, but also her father and sister, parental love unconditionally, but as a grown woman, she made a choice , my goodness son is 30, I turn around out of anger at his lackMoreout of compassion, concern that this attitude might affect relationships, he is as attached to his in-laws as you are i have no choice but to move on, i will continue to send him a birth card as the day he was born was that The happiest day of my life, I won't get any cards back but that's his problem, I wish you the best

  • The writer

    mollymolly1 A son or daughter's in-laws could pose a danger to unsuspecting parents who eventually become cut off from their adult children who are under the undue influence of such in-laws.

• Spirited lady

  I understand what you're saying. I wonder if there are grandchildren. If so, do they live with their mother? Are you on your own? do you have a relationship with them I think it's such a loss for kids when they break off emotionally with someoneMorehealthy grandparents. The biggest loss is for the grandchildren.

  • further

    Spirited lady moves on Luckily my daughter doesn't have any children. Breaking off a relationship with parents is one thing; Denying that parent access to their grandchildren is a different matter entirely. If, in my opinion, that decision involves the alienation of a sane grandparent, it is selfishness on the partMoreThe grown child is overwhelming and absolutely unforgivable.

purple lace

schön

• Gena Gaddis

  chokonoko My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry this is happening. I share a similar experience.

• GingerMayor

  chokonoko I, too, have seen members of my extended family who control money. Unfortunately, the one with the money is divisive and mostly interested in how others can benefit them. In fact, when family members are divided, it empowers him. I hoped that as the "kids" grew older (22 and 24 now) they would be able to see through his deception, but I don't think they ever will at this point.

  These adult children show little regard for their grandparents, speaking only to them when the grandparents initiate a conversation and never visiting even though they live only an hour away. I am their aunt and attend their special events and give them gifts, but I have never received a thank you letter. Of course, there is nothing we can do for these "kids" other than love and support them, which they don't seem to appreciate.

  They show support for their father, but show very little respect for their mother and others. These children are even disrespectful to their boyfriends and girlfriends. What they are missing is enormous. Things like developing integrity, knowing how to love and receiving love, and strength of character are lacking. As for me, I cannot stay close to a family that has such unhealthy dynamics. I had to distance myself for my own sanity and peace of mind. Unfortunately, this is a lose-lose-lose situation.

Miss my daughter

don't miss anyone

• Jenny93

  don't miss anyone Thank you for your reply! I, too, was upset when I first read the passage: "You did not cause the relationship to break up; it was not your choice." What a crap!

  As a daughter with a narcissistic, absent-minded father and an emotionally distant mother, it is their fault that I was raised in such a loveless environment. I am the product of an abusive relationship. Don't blame the victim.

  • purple lace

    Jenny93 don't miss anyone

    Jenny I really feel for you, I can tell you it hurts you. Have you ever thought that maybe your mother didn't get a lot of love and attention as a child? We cannot give what we do not have. As a mother, I can't imagine a mother not loving her child. Could it be that she loves you and cares about you but can't show it? Please think before throwing away anything that could be of great value.

• beyond sad paw and not

  don't miss anyone, i'm so sorry you had that childhood growing up. mine liked it too, only it was worse. I was left alone early, but totally alone by the time I was 15. Homeless. I raised my children with love and friendship. So much love. Too much ofMoreFriendship. They were rude and ungrateful. They have now cut off their father and me. The worst is the grandchildren. So, dear children, how you were treated as a child doesn't matter how they will treat you when they are all grown up.

by DebraDee

• needs to be managed

  DebraDeeko I think your daughter feels very hurt and maybe not important in your life even though you most likely were great parents! If it were me, I'd probably send her birthday cards and Christmas cards without demanding her attention (since she's already more than self-absorbed).MoreSometimes less is more and one day she will grow up and see her mistakes as I tell people college is NOT a necessity its a luxury you can afford it or not! All you have to do is admit that you did your best and leave the rest in God's hands!

  • by DebraDee

    mustbeheardDebraDeeko Thank you, that's pretty much what I did and I think you nailed it with that self-centered remark. I finally did what the people here suggested and sent her a short message with no expectations saying nothing more than I love you. She responded with a dialogue that wasMorevery funny, but at least she answered. When I say weird, I mean she wanted to chide me for not being more "global" and "progressive" (we're moderately conservative)... but at least it's dialogue. I have no idea where to go from here. Every text becomes an argument for progressive politics. It's almost like she joined a cult and was brainwashed. I remain neutral and she still wants to argue. If I ask about her job or her boyfriend or anything personal, she directs it back to politics. *sigh* So I guess I'll just try and wait... I just find these "conversations" exhausting, always having to defend my OWN opinion, which is constantly being attacked. Many Thanks.

mollymolly1

• The writer

  mollymolly1 One day they will realize their stubbornness and that they are not that smart after all. Or if they insist, one day their own children will do it to them. In the East we call this karma. It's like what goes around comes around.

schön

Steve Drettler

• The writer

  Steve Drettler Believe me, she's suffering just like you and she'll regret it. I feel for you.

• GingerMayor

  Steve Drettler I am very sorry for the estrangement from your only child. There is so much pain being posted here, but there is some comfort in knowing we are not alone. I like what you're doing with posting birthday wishes on Facebook and little notes, because that's how it isMorelets her know that you hold the door open for her. In addition, I believe that the responsibility lies with her to take the next steps in communication. (At least she didn't ban you from her Facebook account.) Since this apparently happened during a divorce, I wonder if maybe her mother negatively influenced her perception. I hope she changes her mind at some point. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice for you other than do what you are already doing and take care of yourself. The stress of all this emotional upheaval is taking its toll.

  • Miss my daughter

    I haven't heard from my older daughter for 10 years. My husband and I have been married for 45 years and have a very close relationship. We love our two children very much and raised them with love and a lot of attention. Our younger daughter isMoreclose and loving. She is also hurt by this as her sister also cut her off. We try to contact our estranged daughter but she never answers. We even traveled two days to see her twice and were not allowed through her door nor did she want to speak to us. We are heartbroken and confused because we have no idea what we did wrong or what is on her mind. I would like to find a support group. I didn't have any success with that. This makes me feel very alone.

    • GingerMayor

      Missmydaughter It's the feeling of being alone that's hard. There are also no self-help groups in my area. Sometimes I think it would be nice to sit with other people and have coffee and chat, but I don't think there is such a thing. Ten years is longMoreTime. Bless you for your efforts on behalf of your daughter. I'm guessing she's in her 40s. I really wonder if when someone goes out into the world and has their own experiences that begin to shape their reality, those aspects become who they are, regardless of how they were raised. Sometimes memories are short and people don't even think about their upbringing anymore.

sad mother

• The writer

  @Sad mom Let her grow up. Anyone who can be influenced by others in such a serious matter is immature.

• needs to be managed

  @Sad Mom seems college isn't for everyone and maybe the people surrounding her are telling her to treat you the way she does. I would probably talk to her and maybe suggest something she could learn at a trade school, since it's a lot less school, andMoreshe can earn enough to take care of herself! I wouldn't pay for it though, that would be her responsibility, in the meantime I would build her self esteem and let her know she's smart and can do anything she wants! Another thing to try is get a catalog book that includes electronics, appliances, and furniture and pretend she's going to buy something today for her minimum wage (and then say it's being turned down because of the minimum wage is never enough). Now let her pretend to catalog shop for, say, a dental hygienist salary and see how much more dental hygienist salary she can buy! It worked for my daughter, she is now a mechanical engineer! JMO, best wishes

Bob the number bear

• The writer

  Bob the Number Bear That kind of kid doesn't deserve you.

• needs to be managed

  Bob the Number Bear I would still send her cards without begging her so she would know I still love her. Ignoring her will only make it worse as it sends a signal that she doesn't have to be that important or that you don't love her since she might interest you lessMoreis gone!! Send the card with no money and don't beg her, just let her know that she is loved and missed dearly and that she doesn't have to choose sides, she's grown up!

• further

  Bob the Number Bear Hi Bob - I also went through a tough divorce and lost contact with my two daughters at different times. Seventeen years later and my eldest told me she "wanted a break". That was twelve months ago. The first thing I wantMorecommenting from your post is the idea that you are somehow to blame for giving your daughter a roof over her head that is presumably rent free and paying her college tuition. When she didn't keep her side of the bargain, you got frustrated - huh? pretty normal reaction I would say. My reading of your post, and of course that's all I can go by, suggests that you were simply a thoughtful and loving father. The court's actions must hurt, but there's no point in letting them overwhelm you. Pay what you have to, deduct the amount from what she might be owed after you die and make sure you have a court order to prevent your daughter from coming back for more money and drive then get on with your life. I wouldn't blame the court for their decision to alienate you. Your daughter has made up her mind, and any suggestion that supports her decision is welcomed with both hands. My daughter sought the services of a therapist who said our relationship was toxic. That was music to my daughter's ears. It was what she wanted to hear - confirmation of her disrespectful behavior.

  • Bob the number bear

    move onBob the number bear

    Thank you for your comments. It's hard for me not to question the fact that I could have done something differently. I have not blamed the courts, I just feel that if she is not awarded the remainder of her college tuition, she could lose the notion that she is entitled to those payments, regardless of her behavior. In short, the Illinois courts have made the situation far worse.

    I've been feeling the pain for over a year but your answer definitely helped me.

    God bless

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

PAIN777

Frei

• listeners

  @Free As someone who has done much research and study on alienation between parents and adult children, I don't think your observations are the norm. Before I share what I have found to be the norm, I will specifically address your comments. Yes, in individual casesMorewere adult children raised in an overbearing household (the 'seen and not heard' variety) and as the young person progressed into adulthood he/she struggled to find independence from his/her parents. What I saw in these isolated situations was one or more strong-minded parent(s) struggling with control issues and having a hard time allowing the now-adult child to gain the social independence that every human being deserves, inherently desires and naturally seeks. I also found that in many cases this was rooted in deep-seated cultural traditions of the controlling parent who came from families with pre-arranged marriages, and particularly Muslim families who had immigrated to the United States while complying , which was very strict - by Western standards - limits on women's clothing, constant face covering, beatings and other accepted traditions that seem foreign to many US citizens. And in these situations I found that as the adult child became more "Westernized" - and the irreconcilable differences in social mores became more apparent - the adult child led to the extreme tactic of cutting off. I will say that the adult child's decision in these situations is understandable, but it still causes a great deal of heartache, guilt - and I am referring to the emotional responses of both the parent and the adult child. I have also come across situations of drug abusing parents, sexual abuse of children by parents and physical abuse by parents. These unique situations make the adult child's decision to alienate fairly easy for me to understand. But these are the minority. The norm of the alarming increase in alienation between parents and adult children appears to be rooted in various levels of personality disorders, parental alienation due to divorce, and a dramatic shift in parenting styles from the 1960s to the present. The shift I am referring to is the shift away from "Honour your mother and father" to a child-centered approach to parenting. I also see many unhealthy dysfunctions in the parent-child relationships that lead to angry, intractable rifts. One of the most common elements of alienation I hear over and over again is from parents who say the adult child has refused to give a reason for the alienation. That says 2 things - 1) there is obviously a significant communication problem, and 2) a lack of empathy is a common theme in these alienations between parents and adult children - and I relate this to the adult child in most cases. In fact, I notice that your communication seems to lack empathy. Alienation is a profound, grieving event for most parents who are the subject of alienation. Two wrongs generally don't make a right. I find it difficult to promote or encourage the emotionally painful decision to end the parent-child relationship given the life-altering pain it causes in most cases. I believe that better communication is the key to reducing this pervasive societal problem. I believe that parent and child must engage in open, two-way communication. Everyone has a vote. Everyone needs to be heard - even the grown-up child by the parents. Including the parent or parents of the adult child.

  • The writer

    ALListener So many adult children these days are so egotistical and self-serving. For them the parents brought them into the world and are therefore obliged to feed, clothe and educate them. You don't owe your parents anything.

    I agree with empathy in communication. Today, many adult children rarely speak to their parents, and when they do, they don't speak with respect or kindness. They cannot accept the slightest advice from their parents because they take it as criticism. It could end in a misunderstanding, with the adult child threatening alienation.

  • mollymolly1

    Excellent especially your observations on parents who with no training or skills choose to raise their children differently than their upbringing which may have been a controlled environment with strict religious rules at school and at home I believe my son misses him a moral compass, he cut me outMoreof his life I am partly to blame as I let him make decisions from a very young age, asked him for advice as if he were my equal, relaxed boundaries, the complete opposite of my parents and now he is a good independent confident one , a fantastic communicator and leader, but a man with no compassion, living his life the way he wants, so I failed just like my parents...

    • mollymolly1

      Her last sentence, how can a parent communicate with an adult child who refuses all contact?

  • lcjantzi

    Your response to "Free" helped put my own mind at ease because you addressed adult children's lack of empathy. I fought 2+ years. being estranged from my three adult children and only recently understanding that they express very little ifMoreany empathy for me as a person. Thank you for acknowledging this missing piece in communication.

  • Rune

    A listener well expressed and born of experience and study. It's a creeping epidemic, with so much shame and sadness and lack of acceptance or forgiveness

Rachel

hope for peace

• Miss my daughter

  Your story sounds surprisingly familiar to me. However, our estrangement lasted ten years. There is no communication - zero. The only thing that has helped me is anti-anxiety meds, which I don't want to take for the rest of my life. I am afraid that IMoreI won't live long enough to ever see a reconciliation as I'm no longer a spring chicken. I'm not even sure if I'm a grandmother or not!

  • needs to be managed

    Missmydaughter All you can do is pray and ask God to meet the need and bring it back to you! Why don't you send her a card and show her that you still love and miss her, leave the door open for her. But once you mail the cardMoreIt's time you focus on yourself and start putting the love you have for your daughter back into yourself! Make new friends, get new hobby projects, take a trip to a special place, get out and live life, oh it doesn't hurt to surround yourself with people you genuinely love!! Go ahead, you deserve it!!

further

Of

this weird witch

purple lace

stayed

• tc tip

  Bleau You don't build a bridge, you first turn the sand underneath into cement and then start building. One post after the other. My son has more than one "side" to him. Some of them have no memory of his childhood. I had to build a brandMorenew relationship with the brand new person standing in front of me now. All of them. It was a challenge, but he needed me in a very special way. He had to know that I hadn't forgotten the memories. He needed me to tell him who he was so he could build on that. It wasn't my bridge I built! It was and is his!

Domino

• Rune

  @Domino yes - when it comes to mental distress it's different - reality is distorted, it's sad, harsh and generates grief from a different source

• Anitaia

  I think this discussion revolves around a very different cause of alienation. You definitely had a good reason and I don't blame you.

alanhrts16

Joe Hale

• tc tip

  @Jo Hale When I was dating an alcoholic I found Alanon. This doesn't just apply to those living/not living with an alcoholic. So what I learned there is helping me with that alienation factor in my life now.

  Alanon showed me that I had no control over another person's life, whether I loved them or not. The only person I was/am responsible for is myself. The only person I could/can judge was/am myself. I am beyond grateful to Alanon.

  I see now that I enabled the actions of my estranged daughter. As an overprotective mom, the addiction wasn't "alcohol" but "loss of control over another." All of Alanon's mantras apply to my life. Yes, they have MEETINGS! These meetings saved my life in so many ways! No matter what the suffering was, with others around me, I could choose how I responded to each of them.

  These meetings have been a calming sea in the midst of a hurricane for me. My pain disappeared and was replaced with peace. I still have to go to one every now and then as my daughter has disappeared from my life in the last 3 years. With some mental gymnastics, as outlined above, these meetings can be a godsend for you. Hope that helps.

• further

  @Jo Hale I like your suggestion. My idea of ​​support is hearing from those who have developed strategies to help them move on with their lives. I found my own way as I'm not doing well with therapy. My doctor prescribed antidepressants, which play an important roleMoremy going on. I never forget that my problems are insignificant compared to others and that family alienation is rampant. I'm retired and have been using my time to work on an M.Phil at university, which is something I've wanted to do for a long time. Finding interest and being part of the wider community is a surefire way to put life's obstacles aside, ensuring continued personal growth and well-being.

• tc tip

  @Jo Hale Alanon defines what it means to be free from this pain. Pick them out and you will be amazed at the results. Hope that helps.

• crushed

  @Jo Hale Thanks for sharing. My daughter has cut me out of her life and has been for 9 months. She is 23 and this pain is beyond anything imaginable. No confirmation of my birthday or Mother's Day. I feel like a failure and allMoreashamed. I raised with love, I thought, and gave my children tools for life along with love and support. My son and I are very close as he is 26 years old. I don't even really know the reason, I know her father (we are divorced) encourages, empowers and encourages her to stay away. I wasn't insulting, but of course I had to dissapline. My son is not sure why she is like this as he was raised by me in the same household. My ex-husband would become estranged from his mother. I come from a family of 12 and we were all so close and supportive of each other. We had very little, but it didn't matter. I encouraged my daughter to join the LPN program, which she did. I fixed her car and paid her tuition for the first few years, and then she just left, moved in with her dads, and eventually got her own place. I hear she's still at school but refuses to contact me. I assume she will contact me as soon as next year comes around. I'm not sure what I'll do then. I'm glad she's pursuing her career and doing well, but I'm not sure if I should fund her no-contact education. I love her and am proud of her. It is painful. I'm a good person, kind, gentle and generous to a fault I'm told. My childhood friends stayed here most of the time growing up. My daughter is getting anxious and I think her father pulling her in one direction and away from me is not good. He only hurts her and is very selfish. The only thing that helps me now is prayer, it gives me hope. It's so difficult to see that all of my friends and family have these incredibly close relationships with their daughters that sometimes I have to break away from it as it can feel suffocating. You have to know the pain to understand it. I feel so judged and of course I am being judged. I pray that someday there will be relief for all of us. Love and kindness, be kind to yourself, everyone deserves a fresh start regardless of our mistakes... xo Rachel

mollymolly1

Christableinmourning

• Mastic8

  Christableinmourning Leave her alone. She will become an independent adult on her own accord and on her own terms. You can't control this, so let it go. Let her know you are available and love her when she changes her mind and wants to communicate with her.

• listeners

  Christableinmourning I am sorry to hear of your plight. Many of the people who wander these pages are dealing with real life histories of alienation that involve extended periods of no contact. This is not meant to detract from your personal experience, but to give context to things. Without question, the fact that what happened to you is new must be considered a fact in the plus column for you. I say this because research shows that the longer alienation lasts, the harder it is to overcome. The sooner a reconciliation is possible, the better.

  However, the downside of this situation is that young people need space, and sometimes they need time. We all find ourselves in situations where we feel emotionally suffocated, and some of us choose to detach from them in clunky, dysfunctional ways (for whatever reason, including our own immaturity). I don't know your daughter or her beau, of course, and I can't know their reasons for freaking out, but given the planning (including getting friends not to share them with you) I see facts that you've shared this point with someone , who may have thought that if she had done this "up and down," her parents would not have approved, blocked it, or tried to control it in some way, etc. She might have felt that they were taking this liberating step had to say, "I'm a grown up now, not your little girl."

  Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone we love is to make space for that person. Because if someone just wants a thimble of love, isn't it love just to give that thimble of love? Giving someone space can be a profound act of love

  I can't imagine at all that you were careless or abusive. That is clear. I can say right away that you are good parents who have made at most mistakes within the normal range of parenting mistakes ALL PARENTS MAKE.

  I assume you haven't heard the last of your daughter. I'm going to take another leap and predict that one or more of these friends will not approve of what they did, their friend's parents will find out now, they will not approve, they will empathize with you, and pressure is on I will come to these friends to stay clean and not be an "enabler" for your daughter's bad decisions. You will find out where she lives. This is not a static situation. It will change. For sure!

  Good luck and all the best.

• Susan Neson

  Christableinmourning We feel your pain. On a positive note, your daughter is only 20 years old and is growing up fast, which means she will most likely come back to you. Our daughter is in her early 40's - she/he is an adult but very immature and has a husband who isMorea force behind it that makes it much more difficult. We've been going through this for over 7 months now and have learned a lot and gotten a lot stronger. I always need that daughter's validation and approval. For many years I have allowed her to be the one who expects all of us to jump at her bidding. Stop it now. You deserve respect and love. Don't beg, flatter. I did this for the first 4 months and I'm sure it went straight into her power and control. It's the saddest thing I've ever heard when so many parents are thrown out of their children's lives. Something is very wrong in our society, but nobody seems ready, whether it be churches or well-known Christian organizations, to tackle this silent epidemic. Try not to worry about tomorrow, next week, or next month. She is so young and so immature at that age. She loves you, just like our daughter. They just don't know how to approach things in a mature way and I personally find the selfie, the selfishness of our young people amazing. We wish you all the best - be with people who support you and who love you. Count your blessings and know that many parents are praying for you and your daughter!

  • foreign mother

    @Christableinmourning my daughter will be 20 in May and left here last week. Same situation. She left three younger siblings and took the dog with her. She has shut out all members of our family if she suspected they would talk to me. I know it's new, but meMoredon't count it for less. I will pray for both of us.

SadDad61

• Susan Neson

  SadDad61 We understand your pain and wish this hadn't happened to you...or us, but it did. For the first few months I tried too hard to the point of almost begging, pleading. It only gave them more power to rule us. So many people say they learned itMorejust back off - stop trying. I certainly don't know the answers either and will also seek help for my anxiety problems. When something this shocking happens, our adrenal glands go haywire and we have anxiety, depression, etc. It's the most cruel thing a grown child can do to a parent. There are many parents who hardly care about their children, but they are still in the children's lives. We have loved our daughter all her life, without judging her and sometimes in spite of herself. She judged us so harshly, but I'm starting to see that as her problem. I feel more sorry for her some days, but I also need to start taking care of myself and the rest of my family. I hope that you will be able to take a step back and not be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to breathe and, even if it's a struggle, turn your mind to other people who genuinely care about you during this time! My prayers go out to you and all other suffering parents.

  • Susi

    Susan NesonSadDad61 it's hell. I don't know where to go or what to do.

    • Susan Neson

      @SuzySusan NesonSadDad61 It's hell, or as close to hell as I'd ever want to be. Somehow we HAVE to accept it and understand that we didn't choose to reject them. We hope to continue, but my husband has pretty much given up hope. We don't know what to doMoredo - we don't know why this happened. I never knew parents and/or children were expendable. Apparently, if someone wants to, they can throw you out like trash and feel entitled to do so. We don't understand at all. Every day when the mail comes, I hope for a letter... anything. I wish I could help. Prayers continue for all parents suffering from this cruelty.

Joe Hale

• GingerMayor

  @Jo Hale I'm answering as a daughter who has strained relationships

  with both parents now in their mid-70s. It breaks my heart to read these posts, but I

  thought it might help with the pain you are experiencing by providing perspective

  by an adult child. I think of mine

  parents all the time. Maybe your son

  does it too. I think about what a happy

  family we grew up with how easy it was to be around them and how much

  comfort they have given me. We never

  had no large-scale blow-out arguments. I

  I'm in my mid-40s now, but sometime in my mid-20s they have a slow and

  constant stream of negativity and criticism towards me. This is reflected in smaller statements such as

  B. "I haven't heard from you for a while" if several days have passed since mine

  last call criticizing the way I set up my house and not eating the food I have

  cooked for Thanksgiving dinner because it wasn't one of my mom's recipes. They acted hurt when I didn't tell them

  about my decision to paint my house and my dad emails me asking me to do it

  Call if he hasn't heard from me in a week. I feel

  like they're looking for me to validate their lives and when I'm not, they're

  deal with criticism. My mother

  constantly tells me how often her friend visits the children and calls - with the

  unspoken comment that I'm not doing enough for them. When my husband and I were married for 15 years

  Before, instead of a bachelorette party, my husband would take his 4 best friends to one

  baseball game. My father still tells me how

  it hurts him that he wasn't invited to the "bachelor party" and neither was my husband

  even invites his own father. above

  Article stating: “Love still exists, but the ability to break free

  Differences do not” seems very true to me.

  Maybe your son feels the same way.

  I love my parents. However,

  When I asked them to end the negativity against me, they responded

  either by 1) saying I'm too sensitive and they have to walk on eggshells

  around me, or 2) they will stop the negativity if I change. So the same old routine goes on, but over

  Over time, I feel like these little comments are a punch in the pit of my stomach. I know they don't believe they did it

  something wrong - although I told them exactly what they did. It

  would make things better even if they were just being neutral. For example, don't mention the last time

  If you have spoken to me or seen me, just greet me normally. Don't mention they didn't know I did it

  planning to redecorate last month tell me how amazing it looks instead.

  • tc tip

    GingerMaynor I appreciate your contribution so much. The negativity is something I wasn't aware of as a parent as my own mother was so negative towards me.

    It was hard to see my children in a non-sunlit light, living a life I had mentally chosen for them.

    As for me, I became a teenager when my daughter and I had "words."

    I was mom and dad so I figured I had to sound like both sweet and loving and loud and cold. Obviously I didn't have a father to model after, so my misinformed childhood led the way. People who have no contact with good people have so little correct information on which to grow. I always seem to catch up.

    You actually asked for the negativity to stop. If only my daughter had done that. She also has the negativity factor in her, so she would ask me to do things "her way". Big thematic differences! Had I known... .

    Communication has definitely made this phenomenon of alienation seem epidemic since the advent of technology. If I knew what neutrality was, I would have made that my goal long ago. Conflict is “neutral” to parenting means getting run over on the survival highway. I haven't often had the luxury of rethinking every decision I've ever made. The price may have cost us our lives as we knew them.

    By the end of high school, my daughter didn't want me asking her questions about her life, her friends, her goals, and her plans. That was before I arranged, rented, and furnished her a room in a very nice house full of roommates attending the college she was planning to attend in the fall. She didn't even invite me to her high school graduation.

    She took me out of her life a while before she left mine, so I've already learned to let go. I thought I was doing the right thing to help her get started on her own. I love her so much I would do anything to keep her dreams going. I didn't know she didn't see it that way.

    So you see, real communication is key. My problem was I had the wrong door! My key never fit. I'm still looking for it, but only part-time now. I'm learning patience right now. It works.

    What happened to me, well I called it the "switch". In our late teens, a switch is flipped. For me, the person I had been raising for all these years was GONE! Maybe it's because of what I think it is, the pre-programmed "independent gene". I remember doing the same with my parents when they were the same age. “Get out on your own” was the motto. I wonder if we really were that harsh about it, even now. Thank you for your perspective!

  • joanbam

    Thank you for your contribution. A lot of mail from alienated children was very mean. I hope you can work this out with your parents. I just appreciate and understand your thoughts. I hope my son and Dil give me a chance. I miss her terribly. My heartsMorePain, my self-esteem is zero. If I didn't take care of them, I wouldn't care if they even spoke to me. I wish they would tell me what I did wrong. Very heartbroken again. Many Thanks

  • Susan Neson

    GingerMaynor I understand your dilemma. Your parents are unreasonable, I can see that and you can see that. I hope you get professional guidance. Your parents are worth the effort - they gave you many, many years of their lives BUT you have to set boundaries. There is aMoregood book called "Limits". I wish our daughter would have sat down with us and talked to us about her limitations. We moved to be closer to them. We are very private people and not demanding. We weren't allowed to be there when our granddaughter was born - the man probably felt "threatened". I would have stayed far in the background. My husband and I have been married for many, many years and we also enjoy our time together. It hurt my feelings, but because his mother didn't care, I had to be punished. The only other time we got excited and showed it was when our only granddaughter had her 5th birthday. We weren't invited. His brother and wife were in town (we lived several hours away) but they decided it should just be his family. It seemed like a big deal at the time, but we acknowledged they had every right to invite or do whatever they wanted. We never wanted to be in control of her life. On the other hand, our daughter wants to be in control of everything we do. It's her way or the highway. I never noticed or overlooked it because I thought she would outgrow it. Obviously we have some problems, but ones that could have been solved. Instead, she told us that she didn't want us in her life anymore. 7 months have passed - no contact. We were blocked by everything. She lost her best friend because she didn't agree with our son-in-law for kicking us out of her life. We had some difficulties (husband diagnosed with cancer - his hearing went where it almost doesn't exist anymore); We moved from the country to an insane city where people would rather run you over than be nice. It was too much. We moved away to be closer to many other relatives especially for our daughter with special needs. If it had been just the two of us we would have gone back to the country and enjoyed a quiet life of just helping people but enjoying the sanity of beauty rather than madness in the cities. So life goes on. We keep praying. I don't cry as often anymore, although when I really think about it, I'm devastated. My husband is also shocked, but says little. It's a cruel world and I'm thankful that one day it will all end and God will sort it out. I don't understand the cruelty that was inflicted on us or parents who weren't cruel or did their best. Put up with your parents – they put up with you but set boundaries and kindly and lovingly explain why AND tell them you love them. Be thankful... be patient... be kind... bear with one another. God will bless you for this!!

    • GingerMayor

      Susan NesonGingerMayor Thank you Susan. (Thanks also to Jo Hale for the above comment.) I try my parents, but old patterns seem difficult to change and exhausting to manage. Her hurt feelings and anger overwhelm me. Anyhow, I hear you. I pray that God will help me find a wayMorekeeping my parents in my life while keeping my sanity. In your situation, I sometimes wonder if the marriage of adult children to their spouses changes the core dynamics of the family tremendously? Luckily my husband loves my parents but my sister's husband is a different story...he is very controlling and has done some of the things you mentioned such as events that hurt my parents. I agree that it is indeed a cruel world. It's not how I would like it to be and people are flawed. I am sorry to hear that your daughter has not been in contact with you for 7 months. With your husband's illness, you carry a lot on your shoulders. I try to enjoy some things in life like you mentioned, getting outside, planting flowers etc. I think feeling stronger overall helps me manage the stress or think more clearly in times of conflict. Bless you and your husband.

      • Susan Neson

        GingerMayorSusan Neson Thank you Ginger. I appreciate your care. Let's all hope for easier days. I wish you all the best in your fight.

  • Joe Hale

    Thanks Ginger for taking the time to reply to my post. I am truly sorry that you are also dealing with these painful issues and my heart aches for you. I appreciate that you would like to give me another perspective in the hope that it might help me to see things from his point of view, but what is happening to you is not happening in our situation.

    The last time I mentioned to him that we don't hear from him or spend time with him was 3 years ago. He was upset and worried and told me he had priorities in his life and not enough time for us. He suggested that I should make more friends or get a hobby. He said he feels like I've been making him my whole life and don't know how to let go. I sat quietly and listened and told him I would not bring up the subject again. Mind you, we didn't ask him to contact us every day or even every week. I would call him about twice a month and say we'd like to know how you're doing. He usually didn't answer our calls. We would go months without seeing her. I didn't think then and I still don't think we were asking too much of him. But we never got a chance to work out differences, nor were we asked how we were feeling.

    After this discussion, our conversations were always pleasant and respectful whenever we saw them or heard from them. We never criticized them or made even subtle comments. We showed them both mercy over and over again while ignoring the deep pain growing in our hearts. We respected his wishes and lived with the lines he drew, but the lines grew thicker and thicker. Her actions and/or lack of action became blatantly insensitive. How much pain are we supposed to endure without asking for a reason or just letting them know it was hurtful?

    I can really empathize with your situation and how difficult it must be for you. Knowing how to deal with people who are insensitive, self-centered, immature and controlling in their situation is never easy. We do our best to understand, empathize and accept. You find yourself in a place where you realize that you have run out of ways to deal with your parents and their controlling behavior towards you, leaving you with a possible alienation. We too try to live with their insensitive behavior but it's not as controlling as your situation, it's downright cold. We also run the risk of alienating ourselves from our grandchildren. So where do we draw the line? We did what they asked us to do, but their attitude towards us has become unbearable.

    Again, I appreciate you wanting me to understand and see things from a different perspective. I'm trying to believe he still cares about us. I hope he does. I think as the above article states he didn't/didn't know how to make the transition from our son to an adult and a married woman. We would have appreciated the opportunity to have some input. I hope that one day he will see that our relationship can be happy, healthy and balanced. I hope you find that too.

Joe Hale

• Miss my daughter

  I really feel for you @Jo Hale. I haven't seen or heard from my daughter for almost ten years, but I also realize that if she hadn't cut us off, she probably would have treated us badly. She was very difficult to be with and we wereMoretoo revealing and allowed her to walk on us. We suffer because we love them. Maybe time away from your son will soften him. I do not know. I've known some parents who were selfish and neglectful but had great relationships with their adult children. Imagine that! None of this makes sense.

• Susan Neson

  @Jo Hale I hope beyond hope that you are never shut out of your son's life entirely. dr Joshua Coleman has a pretty good book called When Parents Hurt, I think that's the title. There are many insightful books to help with this. I only wish I wouldMoreadmitted there was a problem earlier and could have acted like the adult in the room. We were just so blinded by it. One thing I did wrong is that I never thought I deserved respect - hence I wasn't given the respect I deserved. You say how you treat yourself, you will be treated. Too much begging for our children to just love us. We love them too much I think, and they don't understand the meaning of love - of commitment - of loyalty - of gratitude - of seeing the good and ignoring our flaws like we did with our not-quite-perfect daughter . I'm taking a nap today - I will resolve to treat everyone around me better. If you are on FB I would recommend Lysa Terkeurst, Ann Voskamp. Very uplifting. Think of things that are well and good. Try not to think about what's weighing you down all the time. It took me months to get there AND a few days, not quite there. I love my daughter so much and miss her more than I can think of...I don't want to think about it that much anymore. I just want to live my life with my husband and my other daughter and just keep hoping that eventually she and her husband will soften their hearts and grow up a bit.

  • Jo

    Thank you Susanne for your reassuring answer. I missed it recently. I wholeheartedly agree with you that if we had been a little more insightful perhaps we could have been the 'adults' and addressed this issue sooner. We overlooked so much to make him happy and should have taught him more about honoring his parents. However, we raised him to follow the Lord, simply believing that as he matured he would learn to treat us better. He went to seminary and teaches the Bible to middle school students at a private Christian school. All of this doesn't seem to mean anything because he just "missed". My therapist told me early on that I needed to see him in a different light. He has a flaw and if it were someone else we would accept it or deal with it if need be, but because it's our (only) child we let things go. But the hardest thing to understand is that he wasn't that insensitive until he got married. I don't blame her and I've tried my best to show her love and respect, but I don't think she's matured much either and made no effort to integrate me into her/her life.

    I found out only recently, after receiving his reply to a letter we sent him almost asking for answers, that he blames me for things that have caused him to distance himself from us. I wasn't a good role model when it came to family traditions and connections. I was a hypocrite because I wanted to be close to him and his family but not my husband's family. And the zinger was the only argument we've had in 25 years when he told me he was inviting his father to his wedding. He saw his father about 3 or 4 times in almost 12 years without further contact. It was the only request I made and in hindsight I was wrong but it wasn't. It was my hostile reaction that made him no longer want a real and open relationship with me. He was wounded. That was 6 years ago and after a sincere apology from me. I never knew. He harbored unforgiveness and just let me chase after something he didn't want to offer me. Like everyone else here, I was devastated. That was a week ago and the pain in my heart just hurts.

    He says he plans on keeping us in his life and wants to move forward. I sent a simple reply, apologizing for everything that had hurt him and asking if he would consider meeting to try to restore our relationship. I firmly believe that his increasingly harsh treatment was my fault for doing everything he asked and consistently offering clemency. The ball is in his court because he knows reconciliation is at the core of our beliefs. love always forgives So we'll see. I expect nothing. I'm trying to find my way to acceptance and a life that brings me some form of joy. The hardest thing is finding a new vision for my final years. I never expected it, ever. With only one child, it becomes even more difficult.

    I'm sorry to go on for so long. Sometimes it helps to share your pain with others who understand you. I just wish there was a way for us all to get together and reach out a hand or a shoulder or a big hug. Are you allowed to share your location? Maybe just one state? I don't quite know the rules. If not, that's fine. I will keep you in my prayers and yes I know the women you mentioned. Jennifer Rothschild is good too. Thank you again Susan and may the comfort he offers be more than enough!

Susan Neson

LoriRobbins1

DeniseR_ParentalSupport

child abuse

• NoContactNow

  ChildOfAbuse As others have said, there are many reasons for alienation. It's not always neglect or abuse — sometimes it's a grown child wanting to reinvent themselves with a new story. In my case, I was a single mother who married a man with a son. my daughter leftMorefrom 50% of the family to 25%, which she may now reject. She talks about how I haven't shown a "genuine" interest in what's close to her heart: I've put her on soccer, dance, music, swimming, hiking, tennis, horseback riding, and other classes to help her find her interests — but she now claims it was about me trying to get her to be a certain way. I took her on trips, to live performances, camping, hiking, etc. Long long walks where she could vent her worries to school or friends. She often told me that we had a better relationship with her parents than any of her friends (and she confided in me what her friends' parents were like). he longed for as a child (the lessons, the time with the family). Guess what? When she moved in with him, my relationship with her went from warm and close to cold and distant, until she finally cut ties with everyone in her family just before her wedding. Now she's telling everyone she was emotionally abused by a narcissistic mother, she put labels on us all - labels that just aren't true. Everyone else in the family is close and doing well. The ironic? Her husband's family - with whom she is now closely connected - is clearly dysfunctional (drug abuse, extreme food body image, chronic unemployment and much sharing of loyalties and anger). I suspect she likes being around her because she feels superior to everyone (she has a better job than everyone else, is much more attractive, better educated, etc.). So when you say it's about child abuse, remember that in some cases it's a complex story with many elements creating the situation.

• listeners

  ChildOfAbuse Sure. There's no question that some alienation is rooted in parental abuse. Some. But not all. And I hope you're not saying that every parent-adult child alienation is rooted in "abuse" by the child's parents. Because when you are, it's like saying a thousandMoreand thousands of parents out there who are currently estranged from their adult children and who are filling these webpages with horrific tales of grief and excruciating pain are also completely clueless idiots - and I have more faith in those around me to believe that in the case. We know and cannot assess every individual situation. What we do know is that there are certain types of abuse—sexual abuse, physical abuse, and certain forms of psychological abuse that we can all agree are just plain wrong. Other forms of abuse, and I see this as a much larger issue, are very subjective and controversial. Is it abuse or something else? We do not know it. It can be argued that an adult child's decision to cut off contact with a parent entirely while refusing to provide a reason for this complete cutoff is a form of emotional abuse. And there are many, many parents out there, by the thousands, who are experiencing this abuse right now. Now you can say that the adult child is doing this in response to something the parents did a long time ago, and I'll say that may well be, but that doesn't make the adult child's decision any less abusive. And I have a hard time rationalizing an adult child's decision to respond to a parent's "abuse" with abuse, especially when the parent's "abuse" isn't of the black-and-white-wrong variety but is instead controversial. It turns this grown child into a total, flaming hypocrite. Especially when what the adult child considers “abuse” might be a normal part of the parenting process for many.

  • Mastic8

    AListenerChildOfAbuse Such a complicated topic. Sometimes I believe that severing the parent replicates a way in which a parent can understand a child's feelings when they are being disciplined or neglected - in any way. These pages are filled with grown children saying they often didn't knowMorewhy they were disciplined or disciplined out of proportion to what they were doing, or why they were disciplined too much. The reason they never found out is because they couldn't or didn't want to ask for fear of their parents. These sites are also full of parents saying they don't know what they did and they can't get their kids to tell them, which sounds troubling to me like what the kids are saying about their childhood . Perhaps the child's alienation is an expression of the confusion, anger, and frustration that the child feels. The problem I experienced was that ending the estrangement didn't end the problems it caused, and the resulting relationship was very, very unsatisfactory and uncomfortable. At this point, I can't say for sure that restarting the relationship will work or is actually the best course of action. Sometimes you don't get what you want, you get what you need. Sometimes you need that other person in your life - even if it's your parents or your child. Picking up the phone doesn't end a problem, it starts a new problem. The dilemma of answered prayers.

    • Mastic8

      matik8AListenerChildOfAbuseGood points all. I think the parents don't get the message in the same way that the child didn't get the message from the parents when they were young. There is definitely a communication disorder. I think for any parent you found who said their child refused give a reason you could findMorea child who has said they have given the reasons, sometimes repeatedly, and is equally frustrated that for whatever reason the parents do not understand or are in an understandable denial with as much grace and dignity as they can muster. Time heals almost every wound, but for those who don't, that seems okay considering their very difficult decision.

      • listeners

        matik8AListenerChildOfAbuse Respect. It goes both ways. There is something utterly disrespectful about a grown child's decision to cut ties with their parents while refusing to explain it. They seem to think that feeling neglected or disciplined is intended to show the parent how confused the child was about the parenting process. Here's what I'll be watching about all of this. Parenting is complex, much more so for children to realize when they are just children. Parenting very often involves split-second decisions (like every day!), and they won't always be right. There is no single book or manual on how to raise children. Many parents assume from a "feel" or how they were raised (imperfectly in many cases). All the time, KIDS TEST. It is a fundamental part of childhood that we "test". Children test boundaries. It's part of growing up. And yes, parents make mistakes. We have bad days. Bad mood. We get rushed sometimes. We have flaws - all of us - including character flaws. There are no perfect parents or a perfect childhood. Every parent will make several mistakes when going through the process of raising a child and trying to be a good parent. In addition, every leadership position comes with criticism from the people you lead. Show me a "leader" whose subordinates all think he or she does a perfect job of leadership, and I'll show you someone who isn't a very good leader. We both point to the same person. Simply put, if you do a good job as a parent, you will annoy your children every now and then. Not on purpose (hopefully!), but because parents set boundaries and standards, and because kids are testing!

        With that in mind, I understand that every child that comes out of infancy has some level of issues with the upbringing they received. Every childhood has bumps and imperfections. I understand that many children may not have understood this or that about childhood. Roger that. What I don't understand about all of this is the passive-aggressive decision to cut off contact with the parent as a form of retaliation for perceived deficiencies in the parenting process. And on your point about the adult child believing they have made their reasons clear to the parents, what I'll note there is that I imagine that's true in some cases. Some. I would hazard a guess that in the vast majority of cases the adult child has refused to share, and this is consistent with what I've heard from many, many parents. These well-educated, sophisticated, late-middle-aged parents are not clueless idiots. We are talking about a large sector of alienated parents who are completely confused by the adult child's decisions and the adult child's utter refusal to communicate. Furthermore, it makes logical sense to me, since the issue of "why" is so emotionally difficult that many choose to simply say nothing as a way out. As a personal value, I believe the choice to remain silent is both emotionally insensitive/inhuman and a coward's way out. However, I'm sure there are isolated situations where the adult child has made his or her reasons crystal clear and the parents have refused to "hear" or understand.

      • Mastic8

        AListenermastik8ChildOfAbuse Thanks for sharing. I think we have to agree not to agree. You're stuck on the fact that kids cut off without explanation, I'm stuck on the fact that most kids repeatedly tell their parents why but for some reason aren't heard. I agree that every effort shouldMoreyou need to be made to keep the relationship going, but understand that sometimes it's impossible. As you said, parenting, if done right, will annoy your kids, similar to work and dealing with a difficult boss. As with working for a difficult boss, sometimes you never get over your differences and, although you've learned many new skills, you don't feel like being friends with that boss or even respecting them despite the lessons learned and skills developed. A relationship never exists. je.

    • listeners

      mastik8AListenerChildOfAbuse It should be noted that there are literally thousands of parents who have been cut off from their adult children and the adult child refuses to give any reason. Accordingly, the clipping you're referring to doesn't seem to always be "recreated in a way that a parent can understand...". It can beMorewell what the adult child intends, but like most messages of silence it is ambiguous, speculative and indeed generates endless brooding for most parents suffering from alienation. In my view, if an adult child makes the decision to separate their parent or parents, at least explain the reasons. It is clear to me that a personal conversation in such a situation is emotionally too difficult in many cases. But a letter or email is an excellent platform to express your thoughts without interruption or other confrontation. And I would hope that the adult child who makes the decision to cut contact does so with compassion and not vindictiveness in his/her heart and ultimately seeks reunion in his/her life after gaining independence . Time heals almost every wound...

Lori Cichocki

• citizen mm

  LoriCichocki Unfortunately you had to make a very difficult decision and I think you made the right one. When someone doesn't respect your (appropriate) boundaries, you have no choice but to distance yourself. It sounds like you did this without vengeance or anger. Just self care.

• Spirited lady

  LoriCichocki Good for you! stick to your decision. Your healthy attitude and strong self-care will help you recover from brain cancer. May God continue to bless you with courage and peace of mind.

  • Susi

    Temperamentvolle LadyLoriCichocki

    SadDad61 Me too, it's worse than death. I do not know what to do. I'm tired of praying Surely that is not God's will. I raised him, working the 3rd shift so I could be alone with him during the day and not take him to someone to accompany him during his waking hours. He slept at my mother's house, then I would fetch him. did that for 12 years. then was a full mother stay at home. it's not like he's been neglected. I don't know what to do and even if I got help I could only cry... it would be so embarrassing.

    • hope for peace

      @SuzySpirited LadyLoriCichockiSadDad61 We have been dealing with this sadness in our family for a number of years. Holidays are very hard - the fear of them makes me particularly sad. I saved for Christmas this year. I made it clear to myself that I couldn't cry about itMoreA gift that I had also given myself for the benefit of family members. I came home more peaceful - I had gone for a short time without crying every day and was able to carry that on. I'm still very sad. I also feel bitter. Regardless, I make an effort to send regular messages that I love her or miss her. I try to keep the positive relationships in mind. I'll be honest when people ask deep questions about her - I'll say she chose not to speak to us and we're very sad. Don't underestimate seeking help - therapists wouldn't judge the tears but hopefully could help you find perspective that helps you enjoy the parts of life where you have more control. The point of my post is to offer some encouragement that I'm still very sad, but I don't have the horrible feelings of despair I've felt through all of this.

amandars

• cmc1212

  amandars And parents need to accept their children as individuals with flaws and strengths like you. Parents also have a hard time dealing with differences and hopefully they are mature enough to understand that too.

LOST HEART BROKEN

• listeners

  LOSTANDHEARTBROKEN You might want to consider Googling "parental alienation syndrome." There is a world of information at your fingertips to peruse. You may get some insights into what's going on with your children, and maybe some answers, too, although that may not bring you much comfortMoreAnswers. When we know the root causes of a personal problem, the path out of that problem often becomes clearer and eventually emerges for us to see and act upon. It will be important to understand the root causes of the crack. I will also point out that the problem you describe will not be fixed quickly. It will take time and you have to be patient. I've read and digested a lot on this subject, throwing aside some information that didn't appeal to me while I found other information that really touched me. One such idea that I want to share is the idea of ​​focusing on giving only positive energy to your children. Whenever you communicate with your children, whether it's a card, letter, email, or voice message, make it loving and positive. "I love you". "I miss you." "I hope you are well" and "I look forward to a time when we can reconnect". "I will always love you no matter what". "I'm so proud to be your mother"...etc. Stay away from "problems" - this will not do any good in the short term. You may need to send nothing but positive energy for 5 years (or more!), but have hope that these messages will be received and your love felt. It's one of those things where, if you've done it for an incredibly long time with no response, you'd look back with pride at your decision to treat yourself with class and dignity. No negative energy. You have to accept that there is no good in directing negative energy in your children's direction. What they need from you as their mother at this point in their life may be nothing but pure love!! so give it And believe that good things will ultimately come to you through the positive energy you send out into the universe. love yourself!!! That's so important.

  • mollymolly1

    Thanks for this great advice

  • LOST HEART BROKEN

    AListenerLOSTANDHEARTBROKEN Thank you for your words and recommendation on parental alienation. You have helped me so much, more than you know. Thank you very much!

SharonNumnut

green stockings

• Maryswitzer2

  Thank you for sharing your stories. I found this to be a great support as I knew I was not alone in trying to deal with this

• Maryswitzer2

  I am the mother of an alienated adult and I believe fear plays a role in the alienated parent-child relationship. We all seek happiness and contentment when we surround ourselves with people who share these qualities. For many reasons, children and parents experience fear, anger and cannot find itMorea way to get into a dead end of expressing feelings so the only option is the most hurtful one to get away must not use and abuse her role in the way your mother perceives your right to expect joy and happiness for yourself, if your mother is not on board and scares you. I feel a letter explaining to her about expectations and boundaries if she is not capable of understanding then you will find peace elsewhere good luck x Mary

• Mastic8

  greenstockings After years of growing up neglected, I moved away and got busy with life. I am a middle child and entered my parents' life at the most inopportune moment, for them and consequently for me. There were two older brothers I grew up with watching them get beatenMorethe belt, then a younger sister, the only girl and, as it turned out, the youngest child. I never had a chance, but I don't want to bore you with the list of times I could have used the help that never came. Interesting how emotional neglect manifests itself - the first and in the end only time I was beaten up by my father, after seeing what happened to my brother I just knew that it would never happen to me. I stopped talking to him - completely. He freaked out when he was turned away by his 4/5 year old and that was the end of the caning. But I got his attention. Later I moved across the country and called as often as I could. Within the year, every call started with my dad saying my mom was upset because I didn't call enough. Then my mother would step in and demand better treatment. My mother later admitted that I was basically raising myself, but at the time she was the neglected mother. The irony would be amusing if it weren't so sad. I stopped calling. I didn't give them my phone so they only heard from me when I called. It didn't last too long, but long enough for them to get the message. They got as much as I could give and asked me for something I didn't have to give, causing everyone to be disappointed and upset. A parent experiences childhood through the eyes of an adult, a child through the eyes of a child. Not the same at all. What you have seen and experienced, your child has never seen and experienced in this way. These canings, which you thought would inspire respect and discipline, introduced a level of violence and fear into a young life that would be actionable if it hit an adult. All of these memories and feelings of neglect were carried into adulthood. Eventually I returned to the area I started in, decided it was revenge for not speaking to them, and resumed our broken, sad relationship that we never spoke about for fear of causing further damage . When you say, "I did my best," in an effort to gain some respect and connection, remember that your child feels the same way. One parent is dead, the other lost to Alzheimer's, I'm approaching sixty and I regret I ever picked up the phone again. My presence reminded her of her neglect of me, her presence did the same.

  • listeners

    mastic8greenstockings What you have taken the time to write here is exceptional on several levels. If, as you say, you're approaching 60, then you grew up in the 60's when spanking was a "normal" part of parenting. That went out as "acceptable" some time ago. Today, caning is related to child abuse. Funny, another thing that was there for kids growing up in the 60's was "Honour your father and mother". That went away too. That's when you realize that times have really changed. You'd think fewer spankings would mean less alienation. But the estrangement between parents and adult children is increasing. I contend that it has more to do with the cultural shift in the parenting process that took place in the 1960's and early 1970's when the notion of "honour your father and mother" evaporated into a "child-centric" focus.

    Reading your story makes me think that your parents must have suffered from severe personality disorders, probably borderline personalities. Of course I don't know, but it sounds like it. If you were able to grow up and not be affected by the same disorder, your decision to "educate yourself" would truly prove to be a lifesaver of sorts, allowing you to lead a normal life.

    I find your story unique. I don't think most people who are estranged from their parents even carry similar stories. Nonetheless, I am always an advocate for the adult child re-establishing healthy contact with the parent in a manner that the adult child deems appropriate. It sounds like you did, despite continuing to experience frustration with your parents' difficult personalities. I commend you for finding a path - albeit bumpy at times - that has enabled you to have at least some level of contact with your parents. This is exactly the sign of an emotionally healthy and mature person.

• Alice88wa

  Greenstockings I know exactly what you are saying and I agree that parents can push their children away by being narcissistic abusers. However, I think there might be an advantage in telling them that the alienation isn't something they "caused" because that implies they have some control over it. ThatMoreBest for everyone involved in an alienation scenario is if somehow the narcissistic parent can be persuaded that they have no control over their child's decision to stay away and therefore should not attempt to repair the relationship. Let them complain from afar, it's better for everyone.

• green stockings

  I just want to add that I'm not trying in any way to belittle the experiences of people who have become alienated for reasons unknown. I understand the pain and confusion this causes. I'm just saying that there are two sides to every story. My mom probably tells everyone how horribly I treated her when all I asked for was that my boundaries be respected and that she be honest. She wasn't a terrible mother, but both of my parents neglected my emotional needs and failed to protect me when I needed it. This created a distrust on my part and a distancing from them, both geographically and emotionally. In an attempt to explain this, my mother twisted it into, "You blame me for everything bad that has ever happened to you." That's not the case; she just doesn't listen. The more I tried to explain, the worse it got.

  In my case she was never the mother I needed and she lives thousands of miles away from me. Not having her in my life doesn't really affect me, but it's still sad to think that your mom could wash her hands off you so easily.

• GingerMayor

  greenstockings I am very close to your age and have been estranged from both parents for a few years. I have experienced what you say about partial listening and false apologies. It has contributed to my need for distance because I can't identify with them and I know we areMorenot "on the same page". This is very evident in their repeated behavior of expecting me to accommodate them all the time, blaming me when I can't, interrupting when I explain myself, and walking away from me physically. I spoke but they never heard. If they understood me at all, their behavior would have changed and their guilt towards me would have ended. So I agree that it is the action/omission that can cause alienation. I give you credit for taking your negative feelings to your mother. What she does at this point is her choice. Then you can determine whether it is going in a positive or negative direction. I keep hearing, "You can't change anyone, you can only change the way they act/react." As for me, I feel like things are going in a negative direction, so it's on It's up to me whether I cut them off altogether or continue to endure the negativity while I see them on the few occasions.

• Spirited lady

  Greenstockings You are right. Sometimes it is the parents who exclude the child. And sometimes that's because of the parents' inability or unwillingness to look at themselves and honestly work on the relationship. In fact, flight is her reaction to her own fear and merging. I think mineMoreBrother, sister and I, each in our own way, have worked around our mother's inability to handle criticism. We set our own boundaries and did our best to stay within their areas of a healthy relationship. All of us have been estranged from her at some point, but eventually she would make her peace with us. I think on only one occasion did she apologize (to my brother) for not speaking to him and his family for a year. In most cases, she simply extended an invitation and life went on. Unfortunately, some people are too fragile to tell the truth. We have learned to solve our own problems with her indirectly. Our mother had other qualities that made her worthwhile. Not all. May you be blessed on your journey. It's all growth, regardless of the outcome.

jg69

single parent

• JoStone

  Single Parents I also have an estranged adult daughter and like you said it's a struggle to deal with. Basically, I need to detach my feelings from parent-child love, which we all know is such a strong love. But it's part of accepting thatMoreI have to let go of her in my mind to not think about how much I love her and how much I wish things were different. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard to let go.

  • Spirited lady

    JoStoneLoneparent Yes, of course it's hard to let go. But you shouldn't let go of love, only expectations. My son was very accusatory towards me after he got engaged. They set very strict limits on our (my son, not my stepfather and I) participation in their lives.MoreIt was a few years before it became clear that his wife insisted. It has become clear that he did it to accommodate her. In the meantime I really suffered. But eventually I realized that it was his/her decision, not mine, and I didn't have to beat myself up. I light a candle in church (I'm Lutheran and my church has a candle/prayer room) every Sunday for her and trust God to take care of her. I send gifts and cards. Occasionally I get a photo or advice on sizes or needs. They came to a big family reunion where I had a great time with my son and grandchildren. I'm so thankful for what I have. As long as my son's life isn't on the right track, I'm fine with what he thinks he needs to do. He knows I love him and I'm willing to accommodate his needs. Yes, I am disappointed. yes it is painful But he has to do what he thinks is best for his life. I understand that he prioritizes his marriage. It's undoubtedly sad for him and me. So I trust that God will bless my son and his family. I wouldn't call it "letting go". I would say adapt to the situation and hope for good things.

    • Lily Webster

      my son is also accommodating to his partner and we don't see him or the grandchildren anymore, his partner hates his sister and is unbalanced and jealous

      the pain this has caused us is indescribable, we also love our son who is a very good person and wish him and his family all the best but have to live the last part of our lives with the pain of our loss

• Spirited lady

  Single Parents Pat yourself on the back for making MUCH progress in dealing with these COMPLEX issues. Children have an innate sense of what is fair. Your grandchildren can see through it all. And you may have had contact with them well before 25. It is important that they find a grandmother who has continued her life in a meaningful way and who is doing well, who can be a role model for them. I like your idea with letters they will read later.

  Her love for your daughter and through her for your grandchildren makes it all so painful. You can, as you suggest, love this protective wall and still build it to avoid being used, hurt and humiliated. Recognizing the validity of conflicting feelings is a lot to do with resolution.

  You're doing well. be peaceful

  • further

    Spirited LadyLoneparent I agree. Loneparent writes that maybe she wasn't the perfect mother. I propose that this mood be dropped as well. We are human and we make mistakes. The important thing is that we're doing our best at the time and that's all that matters.MoreRe your daughter and her family. With husband and children you come in 5th if you assume there are two grandchildren. Not only are you last in the immediate family lineup, but as the parent who raised the daughter, you have become an obvious custodian of everything that seems to be going wrong in her life. I applaud the manner in which you have chosen to distance yourself from her behavior. Forbidding you to see your grandchildren is the ultimate cruelty in my eyes. Your letters to your little ones are a great idea that will ease some of the pain of the breakup while also reminding you that you did not cause this situation and that you are impressively moving forward with your life path. All the best.

girls have to say

• Everything Mom

  @Girlsgottasay I don't think the article generally says that there is never a reason for children to cut their parents out of their lives. There are DEFINITELY times when it is appropriate, necessary, and healthy to sever ties with abusive, controlling, etc. parents. The article I thinkMoretries to help parents deal with children who have left them out of their lives for reasons we can't understand, or for small indiscretions or decisions that we feel should be forgiven.

  • Spirited lady

    All mom I totally agree with this statement. Adult children need to protect their children and themselves from manipulative, abusive, or controlling grandparents.

further